Saturday moring, eight-forty-five, Light shines off the white walls into your eyes
A different way of thinking about things. I just have conflicting desires. I don't really want to kill myself, as I am fully cognizant of the wide-spread effects that would have on those around me. I am well aware of the problems and grief that suicide would cause.
Concurrently, I do very much want to be dead. Sudden tragic illness, horrible accident, heart attack, shot by muggers, whatever.
And while I will eventually get the latter, the exact "when" is unknown. So I choose not to kill myself, and I mean that. Not downing 3 bottles of sleep aids is something I have had to consciously choose several times this past month.
As time goes on, it seems that the desire to die becomes ever stronger. And for every bit of will I spend to stave off that desire, it wears away at any zeal I have for life, making me ever more miserable.
Of course, I'm typing this in a fit of depression and suicidal ideation.
In other news, I've been considering what to do if I crash and burn on opportunities here in the PDX. I mean, the inability to pay my rent has been a hovering threat since I got my own place, and I've had to get substantial loans from friends to cover my own ass on more than one occasion. I still haven't paid anyone back. I don't know how or when I'll be able to.
So what do I do? Well, the first thought was pack it in and head back to Texas. I just really don't know about that, though. I cannot even being to describe what a failure I'd feel like doing that, though. Please, spare your time in leaving a detailed comment explaining how that's Just Not So. What I intellectually know and what I feel are not connected.
So if I'm gonna crash and burn here, then maybe I should trailblaze somewhere else to crash and burn. Hey, thellano, that invite still open? If I can't pay my May rent, I may have to do something drastic. Maybe move away again. Maybe start drinking Mad Dog and panhandling.
Concurrently, I do very much want to be dead. Sudden tragic illness, horrible accident, heart attack, shot by muggers, whatever.
And while I will eventually get the latter, the exact "when" is unknown. So I choose not to kill myself, and I mean that. Not downing 3 bottles of sleep aids is something I have had to consciously choose several times this past month.
As time goes on, it seems that the desire to die becomes ever stronger. And for every bit of will I spend to stave off that desire, it wears away at any zeal I have for life, making me ever more miserable.
Of course, I'm typing this in a fit of depression and suicidal ideation.
In other news, I've been considering what to do if I crash and burn on opportunities here in the PDX. I mean, the inability to pay my rent has been a hovering threat since I got my own place, and I've had to get substantial loans from friends to cover my own ass on more than one occasion. I still haven't paid anyone back. I don't know how or when I'll be able to.
So what do I do? Well, the first thought was pack it in and head back to Texas. I just really don't know about that, though. I cannot even being to describe what a failure I'd feel like doing that, though. Please, spare your time in leaving a detailed comment explaining how that's Just Not So. What I intellectually know and what I feel are not connected.
So if I'm gonna crash and burn here, then maybe I should trailblaze somewhere else to crash and burn. Hey, thellano, that invite still open? If I can't pay my May rent, I may have to do something drastic. Maybe move away again. Maybe start drinking Mad Dog and panhandling.