Fic: Much Too High A Cost
Title: Much Too High A Cost
Author: knittycat99
Rating: PG
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Karofsky/Kurt
Genre: Angst
Warning: none
Spoilers: Set during 2x20, Prom Queen
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Glee-related. It all belongs to FOX.
Author Notes: A little prom drabble
Summary: What goes on in Karofsky's head on prom night
Word Count: 567
Dave’s heart breaks just a little bit as he looks at Kurt, who’s standing defiantly in the spotlight. He’s not proud; Dave can read hurt and anger in both Kurt’s face and stiff posture, but he’s standing tall just the same. Dave secretly wishes he could be like that. He admires it. If he were forced to admit it, he’s actually grown to like Kurt these past few weeks. The kid is smart, talented as hell, and has about twenty million reasons to never want to even look at Dave, but he still accepted Dave’s protection and his apology. He also gets bonus points for not doing a double take when he found out Dave was taking senior level calculus. But Dave isn’t attracted to him, not really. The kiss in the locker room had more to do with Kurt being open and angry and there and Dave just needing to know what it would feel like.
That day was the first time in his life that he hadn’t felt sick to his stomach after a kiss.
These days, he feels dread and sadness and suffocating pain. Every day under Santana’s thumb is another day of knowing that one false word or move will leave him exposed. He wonders all the time if that’s how Kurt felt back in the fall when Dave was so angry that he couldn’t walk down a hall without lashing out at the only person in the world who had a vague chance at understanding.
He hates how easy it seems for Kurt. He knows that it’s not; that’s the one thing he has learned since Kurt came back to McKinley. But he makes it look like nothing fazes him. Even letting Figgins put that stupid crown on his head, which had to tear him up like crazy. And there’s the crux of Dave’s problem. He could take what Kurt is offering him, the chance to be open and let go of the pain, and then he’d need to learn to be like Kurt and make it look like everyone else’s hatred doesn’t hurt. Or he can just keep going, hating himself instead of letting other people do it for him. Gut it out. Be a man. Bide his time until he can go someplace where nobody knows him and he can reinvent Dave Karofsky.
If he doesn’t take the chance now, it might be gone forever. If he does, his life will never be the same. There’s no good solution. His breath catches in his throat. He looks again at Kurt, at his open face and bright blue eyes and a steely strength that is newly visible since he came home. In this moment, Kurt is the only person in the room. Kurt knows Dave’s truth, has kept his secret. If he could only get the words out, Kurt would understand everything. But he can’t. He chokes on them, chokes on wanting to say “Dance with me.” Stumbles over wanting to hold Kurt close, to dance with him, to use actions to show the assembled crowd who and what the real Dave Karofsky is. Instead of doing what his heart so desperately wants, his brain betrays him. Before he can stop it, he is saying “I can’t,” and turning away to run from the gym, leaving Kurt standing defiantly in the spotlight.
And Dave dies inside just a little bit more.