Fic: Summertime Blues, 1/1
Title: Summertime Blues, 1/1
Author: knittycat99
Rating: R for language and boy-on-boy making out
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt/Karofsky, with appearances from Burt and Carole and the rest of the Glee kids
Genre: friendship, angst. sort-of romance
Spoilers: seasons 1 and 2, but we're moving into future-fic territory
Disclaimer: I don't own anythng related to Glee
Author Notes: the ninth installment of my Seasons Change Verse. This will likely be my only update for the next week, due to work stuff and my partner's birthday and Father's Day and PrideFest.
Summary: Kurt and Dave give each other the summer.
Word Count: 3,223
Dave invites his mother to graduation, and he’s a little surprised when she accepts. But it makes them both happy, and that’s a good start to this thing they’re working on, this being parent and child when Dave is almost too old to need a parent. After the ceremony, when she meets Kurt and hugs him, she mentions casually that Hey, you boys should come down to Chicago for the Pride parade.
Kurt smiles awkwardly, shuffles his feet and looks away. Dave isn’t sure if it’s the idea of being that far out or the fact that Dave’s mom is just that accepting that’s freaking Kurt out. But then he looks closer and sees something else in Kurt’s eyes entirely. Something wistful. And Dave can’t help but wonder if all of Kurt’s bravado about leaving Lima and never coming back is crashing down around him.
*****
The only thing that’s really different about dating Dave is that Kurt’s dad starts enforcing the door-open-all-the-time rule, which is a giant bucket of nonsense because Kurt and Finn look out for each other; they hatch a plan whereby Dave and Kurt get Kurt’s room on Tuesdays from 4-6, and Finn has Rachel over on Wednesdays between noon and 2. Kurt doesn’t feel exactly classy, sneaking around in his own house behind his dad’s back, but they don’t really have a lot of options. Kurt isn’t allowed over to Dave’s house because Mr. Karofsky is never home to enforce an open-door rule, and he refuses to make out in either of their cars. Dave questions him about that one Friday night when they’re both a little flushed and more than a little disheveled, and seriously pushing the boundaries of how far Kurt’s door actually has to be open. Kurt brushes his hair out of his eyes and pulls ineffectually at his shirt where it’s twisted around his torso before he answers.
“I mean, it’s not like we’re going to get pregnant or anything, but something about the cars smacks of the prom queen giving it up to the football star on prom night.”
Dave just laughs at him. “Dude. Your memory isn’t that short. You were the prom queen and I was a football star.”
Kurt throws a pillow at him, and then leans over and kisses him some more.
*****
Dave can tell that Kurt would really like to spend the summer just sort of wrapped up in each other, especially as July turns to August and they each start receiving thick packets of forms and roommate matches and details about optional early orientation trips from their respective schools. Dave tears into his right away, reading and re-reading late into the night and leaving the assorted brochures and guidebooks scattered around his room. Kurt stacks his neatly in the corner of his desk. Dave isn’t sure if he even looks at them until they’re out with Tina and Mike one night talking about their roommates. Kurt joins in then, saying that he’s emailed with them both, and how it might be awkward for him because both of the other guys went to prep school together. “Andover,” he says around a bite of pizza, trying to be casual but Dave can hear the concern in the edges of his voice.
Later, when they’re back at Dave’s empty house even though they told Kurt’s dad that they were going to a really late movie, Kurt’s hands are fast and forward, grabbing at the boundaries of Dave’s clothes and leaving tracks of electricity against Dave’s skin. Dave pulls away because, shit, it feels really good but he’s not ready for any of what Kurt’s fierceness is implying, and he knows that if Kurt really thought about it he wouldn’t be so eager either. He stops Kurt first with his voice, and he sees Kurt shut down. That hurts, because once they became friends, Kurt has never given Dave the Stare of Death. So Dave lets his guard down, feels his face flush and his eyes fill, and when he looks at Kurt he’s showing him you’re scaring me and I’m not ready for this and please, just talk to me. He almost sighs with relief when Kurt crumples to sit on the edge of Dave’s bed. Dave sits next to him and pulls Kurt into his chest. “You’re freaking out about school.”
“I’m freaking out about leaving home. There’s a difference.”
“But I thought . . .”
“The whole situation is rich with irony, isn’t it? I mean, I’ve dreamt about nothing but leaving Lima but now that it’s almost time I’m terrified.”
“Of what?”
“Of leaving. My dad, my friends. You.”
“But we’re all leaving. Except for your dad. And you’ll be really close to Artie and Quinn, and even closer to Lauren and Tina. It’s a bus ride, or a train trip. Or a couple of hours in the car if you get to take the Navigator.” At Kurt’s nod, Dave continues. “Look, you’re going to make your own kinds of friends there, but you can keep those old connections. Your dad and Carole are always a phone call away. And you won’t be able to get rid of me that easily.”
“But it’s safe here. I know what to expect, even if it’s slushies and hate. I don’t know what it’s going to be like out there.”
Dave feels funny, being on the giving side of the advice thing. But he’s learned a lot from Kurt, and about Kurt, and he suddenly realizes that he’s the best person to be giving the advice right now. “We never know what it’s going to be like out there. I mean, yeah, Lima has been our reality. But there are thousands of realities out there. Some of them are like Lima, and some of them are like San Francisco, but most of them are somewhere in the middle. Think of Yale like a tiny little United States. Sure, there will be pockets that are like Lima. But there will also be pockets that are like San Francisco, and most of the rest will be somewhere in the middle. You’ll find your place there, Kurt. You will. Just give it a chance. Don’t hide yourself because you’re scared.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“That’s my line.”
Kurt laughs then, but Dave can hear how forced it is. He lets it go, then, because if he tells Kurt that it will be easy, he’ll be lying.
*****
The calendar by Kurt’s desk is covered with writing for the last two weeks of August. Finn and Sam are going to be the first to leave, then Puck, Brittany and Santana, and Mike. Mercedes, then Rachel. Tina is going out early for some minority student orientation, which she thinks is stupid but her parents are making her do. Quinn and Lauren are also going early because their schools offer small-group freshman trips in the week before Orientation. Dave thinks that Kurt should go on the one Yale offers, but Kurt doesn’t like camping so he passes on it. Instead, he and his dad are going to take their time on the drive out and spend some time together. Carole claimed she couldn’t get the time off of work, but Kurt knows that she’s really just giving Kurt and his dad what neither of them can find the words to ask for. Dave will be the last to leave, alone, on a flight from Columbus to San Francisco the Saturday before Labor Day. Kurt knows that Mr. Karofsky wants to go too, but Dave is adamant. He wants to take that step on his own.
Kurt’s proud of him, and a little sad. And he thinks that maybe he’s not as strong as he always thought he was, because he really wants his dad with him on this journey.
Or maybe, he realizes as an afterthought, it’s just that Dave is stronger than either of them ever imagined.
He and Dave have spent the summer floating into and out of the orbits of the other Glee kids as circumstances allow; sometimes it’s the whole crowd of them at the Dairy Queen or in a public park, but more often it’s whoever is free on a given night when it’s too hot and too crowded at Kurt’s house and they’re both a little afraid to be alone together. But this last night before Finn and Sam head off to Columbus is for all of them. Quinn’s mom is letting them have a cookout, and Rachel even convinced them to let her invite Mr. Schue. Kurt tried to talk her out of it. They all did really, because hello? Teacher? Awkward. It turns out fine, though, because Mr. Schue just stops by to say goodbye to everyone, and he’s gone before the burgers are even off the grill. And then it’s just their Glee family and food and music, and the fourteen of them in a pile in the grass looking up at the stars after it gets dark. It’s late and they’re all a little teary-eyed from memories when Mrs. Fabray calls out to tell them that it’s time to clear out, but Rachel stops them and starts handing out tissue-wrapped bundles.
“Take these with you. Don’t open them. Not until you’re feeling lonely or sad or overwhelmed. Because we all will at some point. These will help you remember where you came from and that you have a little family that loves you.”
It’s typical Rachel, but it’s a really nice gesture all the same. There are more hugs and more tears, and then Kurt drives home because he didn’t have any of the illegal beer Puck brought, and also so Finn and Rachel can sit close in the backseat. He lets Dave hold his hand across the gearshift, and they kiss goodnight on the sidewalk. Kurt can feel Dave’s eyes on him as he crosses the yard and slips into the house. Only after he turns the deadbolt on the front door does he hear Dave’s Jeep start up and pull away from the curb.
This night, the summer doesn’t feel anywhere near long enough.
*****
Kurt’s room has deteriorated into chaos. Dave’s watched him pack and re-pack clothes, books, music and memorabilia nearly every day for the past week, and it’s starting to freak him out. Finally, the day before Kurt leaves, Dave takes his hand and sits him down on the floor in the middle of boxes and bags and hangers. He can feel the rapid-fire of Kurt’s pulse as he whispers “calm down” just before kissing him.
“Like that’s supposed to make me calm?” Kurt finally pulls away after what turns out to be a much longer kiss than Dave had anticipated.
“No. It was supposed to be a distraction. You’re going crazy and it’s starting to make me crazy. Just . . . I dunno. Just slow down. Please.”
“I just. I don’t know what to take with me.”
“Okay. Start at the beginning. Are you coming home for fall break?”
Kurt shakes his head, and Dave knows there are about 50 reasons why not. “Not till Thanksgiving.”
“So. You’ll need winter clothes before Thanksgiving, but you don’t need to bring everything with you now. Take things you can layer. Pack a box with your winter coat and heavy boots and things like that, and then have your dad or Carole mail it out at the beginning of October.” Dave waits while Kurt mulls that over and nods before he continues. “Do you really need all of those books?”
“I like to read.”
“Duh. But. You don’t need all of them. Pick the ones you like the best, the ones that make you feel a certain way. Happy, right? That’s what you’re looking for? Something you can pick up when you’re feeling down?”
“You know me too well.” Kurt looks away, and Dave feels bad for picking out Kurt’s vulnerabilities like that. He gives Kurt a moment, lets his hands float over the mess of books on the floor. He picks out 4, a series by an author Kurt turned him on to, and sets them aside. “These are a must. How many times have you read them?”
“Too many. You’re really good at this. What else?”
Dave pulls out a few more. “These. Then, take the rest and put them in piles. Number them as to how important they are to you, and if you really need them or want them, all you have to do is call home and say ‘send me the books in the stack numbered 1’ and your dad will know exactly.”
“Okay. Now, what about my DVDs?”
Kurt’s already told Dave that his two roommates want to share the double room of their suite, so Kurt will get the single. They’ll have a common room area and bathroom, too, which makes Dave jealous. Even though he’ll also be in a suite, he’s in a double and there’s just a giant floor bathroom. That’s going to suck. But whatever. He’ll be able to move off campus after freshman year, while Kurt will be living in his dorm (“Residential College”, Kurt keeps correcting him) for all four years.
“Bang for your space. Boxed sets are good. So you’ll want QAF and Grey’s Anatomy and Criminal Minds. Take a few comedies, because they’re good for watching with a group, and then a couple of things you can cry to when you’re sad.” At Kurt’s surprised look, Dave just laughs. “Seriously, Kurt. How can you even think after all of this that I don’t know you?”
“Because I feel like I don’t know me anymore.”
And there it is. It’s what Dave’s been waiting for all summer, what he knows Kurt has been picking around the edges of with all of his fears about leaving home and not knowing how to fit himself into his new world. But knowing it’s been coming and knowing what to say are two completely different things. He wants to just pull Kurt over to the bed so they can lose themselves in each other for a while, but that wouldn’t help anything. Instead, he just starts talking.
“I don’t know who I am, either. That’s the whole point. We’re not supposed to know anymore. We’re supposed to go to college and start to figure it out.”
“You’re not scared, though.”
“I am. But I think that we’re having really different experiences with this whole thing. Do you remember how scared I was to come out?”
“Yeah.”
“Compared to that, compared to the potential of losing my friends and my family, leaving home is nothing. Compared to baring my soul in front of the entire school? I’m not going to say that any of this is easy, because it’s not. But I’m not terrified. I’m . . . nervously excited.”
“And what about me?”
Dave takes Kurt’s hand, and feels tenderness and sadness and love, and he wonders if he really screwed things up by asking Kurt for the summer because watching him leave tomorrow is going to hurt worse than anything. His words, when he finds them, are soft. “You’re scared. You’re scared of not fitting in, not being good enough, of being too much. Am I right?”
“Yeah.”
“Just be you. Be the best Kurt Hummel you can be at any moment. Be honest. But don’t hide away because you’re scared. Because then you lose out, and so will everyone else.”
“It feels weird.”
“What does?”
“Being sad about leaving.”
“Why is that weird?” Because really, Dave doesn’t get it at all.
“I just never thought I’d feel this way. I thought I’d be so happy to be leaving that I’d drive off and never look back.”
“Funny, that. You’re sad because you’re leaving the people you love. It’s normal.”
“Are you sad? That I’m leaving.”
“Devastated.” Dave half means it as a joke to lighten the seriousness of their talk, but the teasing in his voice falls flat and when Kurt looks at him, all Dave can do is cry. It’s Kurt’s turn to hold him, then, and when Mr. Hummel peeks around the door to call them to dinner he finds them leaning shoulder to shoulder in the silence and the mess, with tearstained cheeks and a box of tissues between them.
*****
Kurt loads the last box into the back of the Navigator and swallows around the butterflies having a party in his stomach. Dave came for breakfast, which was sweet, and Kurt is glad that his dad and Carole are at the front of the car saying their own goodbyes so that Kurt can have a few minutes with Dave. He isn’t sure what to say, so he leans back against the bumper and just looks at this boy, this unlikely friend and even more unlikely boyfriend. The summer’s over. They’re both leaving. And he doesn’t know what to do with any of it.
“Don’t wait.” Dave’s voice is hoarse.
“What?”
“I asked you to give me the summer, and you did. And I love you. I’ll always love you. But we can’t go into this year being attached. We just can’t.”
“I don’t understand.” Maybe it’s the early hour. Kurt feels like he’s only party to half a conversation.
“Don’t wait for me, and I won’t wait for you. If this is going to work, we have to go. We have to be in the world and live it. And if we’re meant to be together, we’ll find our way back.”
“You’re breaking up with me.” Kurt knew this was coming. He knew in Boston when they started this. It was the deal, the concession Dave made because Kurt hadn’t wanted to start this at all. But he’d given in, and he’d fallen hard, and now he was going to be wrecked. Which was exactly why he’d fought against it in the first place.
“No.”
“Yes. You are.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” More than you’ll ever know.
“But it’s not fair to tie each other down. We’re 18. If we’re still meant to be together, it will happen. But we have to live our lives first. So please, Kurt. Don’t wait for me. And I won’t wait for you.”
Kurt leans his head back against the cool glass of the rear window. He could fight this, but he knows Dave is crazy-stubborn and he doesn’t stand a chance. He feels like his heart is breaking, but also like maybe that’s okay, like this is the way things are supposed to be. He sighs in not-quite-acceptance before he stands up and kisses Dave soft and slow, like a gift and a goodbye all at the same time. When he pulls away, he squeezes Dave’s hand and tells him “Just because we’re not dating doesn’t mean you can get away without calling and texting. Because I know where you live, Dave Karofsky.”
“And I know where you live, Kurt Hummel.”
Kurt turns and walks around to the passenger door, climbs up next to his dad, and leans out the open window for an awkward wave. He watches Carole console Dave. When his dad asks if everything is all right, Kurt nods silently. He doesn’t cry until they cross the state line into Pennsylvania.