"There's nothing you can do to help me, so leave me alone."

[knkfics]

A/N: It would be totally awesome if I had any idea where I was going with this fic. =D

Chapter Three

Masaomi looked at the stack of homework in front of him and wondered exactly how Saki had convinced him to start school again. He had never particularly cared for it in the first place. It had always disappointed him somewhat that Mikado wasn’t in his class, so he couldn’t copy his homework . . . not that that would help him now.

It didn’t help that he had never been very good at concentrating while he was at home. Somehow, the silence always bothered him, no matter how loud he turned his stereo.

With a sigh, he packed up his books and left the apartment. Saki would be able to get him to do his schoolwork with one of those disapproving looks of hers. He texted her to let her know he was on his way over, and she replied with an affirmative.

By now it was well into evening, so the subway was crowded, and keeping his balance was a full-time occupation. Once over at Saki’s, he let himself in with the key she had given him, then dumped his bag on the floor by the foot of her futon and flopped onto it. “My first day back, and already they’re trying to kill me,” he said dramatically.

Saki looked up from where she was sitting at the kitchen table and said, “I re-enrolled too, you know.”

“Online classes don’t count,” Masaomi said, feeling grumpy. On the whole, he had felt better after his date with Anri, but from the way Saki was looking at him, he had a feeling that his good mood was about to be ruined. “What’s up?”

“I spoke with Izaya-san today,” Saki said.

“Ah ha!” Masaomi said. “Now you see what I mean about being able to avoid him.”

Saki couldn’t help but laugh and shake her head. “Yes. He is something of a plague on humanity. He was curious about what happened between you and Ryuugamine-kun.”

“Figures,” Masaomi said, feeling quite put out about this. That was all he needed along with everything else: Izaya sticking his snaky nose into things. He paused to wonder whether or not snakes had noses, then saw the look on Saki’s face. “Exactly how much trouble am I in here? Are we beyond ‘sleep on the floor’ and into ‘get out of my apartment’?”

“I think we’re still currently on ‘I would like an explanation’,” Saki said. “Izaya-san didn’t say anything about an argument. He said you went there to apologize.”

Masaomi ducked his head. He knew there was no way out of this discussion, and his mind was already racing, trying to figure out how to explain the unexplainable. “And?”

“I need you to tell me the truth, Masaomi,” Saki said. Her voice was gentle, but there was a note of steel underneath it. “Things are hard enough without you lying to me. There aren’t words for how much I don’t like it when I know someone’s lying and I have the feeling it isn’t Izaya-san.”

“I don’t want to tell you,” Masaomi said. He didn’t think he could tell her. It was bad enough that he had told Kadota. He didn’t think he should tell anybody else. If the news of it spread, it could be disastrous, presuming it didn’t result in everyone thinking that he was a lunatic. “I don’t want anybody to know.”

“I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Masaomi rested his forehead against one hand. “Saki . . . you tell people things. It’s what you do. You said you wouldn’t tell Izaya anything, ever, but you already told him things today, didn’t you, about why I might have gone to apologize to Mikado-kun.”

Saki shook her head. “You haven’t grown up enough to realize that it is always less dangerous to tell Izaya-san something than it is to tell him nothing.”

“I guess.” Masaomi sighed.

“But if it will make you more comfortable, I promise that this conversation, at least, I will not repeat to anyone.”

“Okay.” Masaomi stared at his school books to avoid looking at Saki. “Yes, I went there to apologize.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me that?”

“It just . . . it’s a little embarrassing, okay? And saying we’d had an argument seemed like a better way to explain it. I didn’t think Izaya would come ask you about it.”

“He said you seemed to think Ryuugamine-kun would know you.”

“I thought he would,” Masaomi said, and stopped there.

“He said you seemed very upset that he didn’t.”

Masaomi couldn’t tell the complete truth, but there was something else, in all honesty, that had been bothering him. “Well, I was,” he said, almost snapping. “For the last six months, I’ve been feeling awful about what happened. I came back here and finally scraped up the balls to apologize to him - and why should I really owe him an apology, I don’t even know him, but it seemed like the right thing to do - and he didn’t even know who I am. He moved on. He forgot all about it. Tell me that wouldn’t upset you.”

Saki sighed and reached out to him, wrapping her arms around him from behind. “I wish you would move on. Why is it so hard for you to forgive yourself?”

Masaomi leaned into her embrace and closed his eyes. “Because I haven’t earned it yet.”

She held him for several long minutes. Then she let him go and sat down on the futon beside him. “What was your impression of him?”

“I . . . don’t know,” Masaomi said, not sure how to answer this question. “He doesn’t seem like the type to be drawn to Izaya.”

“It bothers me as well,” Saki said, and Masaomi looked at her, surprised. She arched her eyebrows at him. “I would know better than most, don’t you think? From what I know of him, he doesn’t exactly seem the type. He’s obviously capable of being devious when the occasion calls for it, but I don’t see him enjoying it the way Izaya-san does. What happened six months ago was awful, primarily for you, but it could have been much worse. Izaya-san stirred everything up and then Ryuugamine-kun came in and shut it down cold. I can’t figure why he would have done that, or why Izaya-san allowed it, and it bothers me. Either he and Izaya-san are working at cross purposes, or there was some purpose to it that we’re not seeing.”

Masaomi said nothing. He had a feeling that the answer might lie somewhere in his own dilemma. How much magic or spiritual mojo or whatever had been involved in creating this new universe? Things would have stayed the same as much as possible, which meant that some people might have acted out of character in order to keep events on basically the same track. He shook his head slightly. The metaphysics were making his head hurt.

He realized that Saki was expecting a response and said, “Ah, well, you may have a point. Anri-chan likes him. She said they went out a few times while we were gone, and I can’t picture her having done that if she didn’t think his heart had basically been in the right place. Anri-chan has a pretty good sense about people.”

“Which would make sense,” Saki said. “Are they still dating?”

“Not really. She said his heart didn’t really seem to be in it.” Masaomi realized he had better explain his plan. “Uh, she seemed a little upset about it? In her own, Anri-chan sort of way. So I told her that I would take her out on a date to see if it made him jealous. Unless you minded.”

“I don’t mind,” Saki said, but she looked less amused than he had thought she would. Saki normally enjoyed his crazy schemes. “But I don’t think it will make any difference.”

“Why not?” Masaomi asked, puzzled.

Saki tapped her fingers against the table. “One of the people who would have gotten hurt most if things had gotten worse six months ago would have been Sonohara-san, yes? So as far as I can see, the most likely explanation for why Ryuugamine-kun intervened is because he was trying to protect her.”

// I tried when I could, I tried to protect Sonohara-san, which I didn’t see you doing - ” //

Masaomi shook off the echoes of the argument. “But then why wouldn’t he want to go out with her?”

“Because he’s still protecting her.” Saki’s eyes were full of sorrow. “Masaomi . . . Ryuugamine-kun works for Izaya-san. He knows what Izaya-san did to you . . . using me. And then to me, using you.” She reached out and gripped his hand. “He tried to tear us apart, and use us against each other. We were too strong for him. But if it suits him, he will try again. The best way for Ryuugamine-kun to protect Sonohara-san is to pretend that he’s lost interest in her.”

Masaomi stared at her, feeling sick rage start to twist and coil in his stomach. “He wouldn’t,” he said, knowing even as he said it that it was untrue. Saki didn’t even bother to reply. “Saki . . . I want to . . . I need to help him. To get him free from Izaya. For Anri-chan’s sake.”

Saki sighed and sat down next to Masaomi on the futon. “Masaomi, I’m not sure he needs your help. If he was willing to go against Izaya-san like that, I think he can take care of himself.”

“Just because he can doesn’t mean that he should,” Masaomi argued. “I need to make it up to him. The trouble I caused. I need to take responsibility.”

“It’s not your fault that Ryuugamine-kun chose to work for Izaya-san,” Saki pointed out.

Masaomi knew there was no way he could explain that in a way, it was. “Will you help me?”

“You know I will,” she said. “Let’s start with your grand plan to date Sonohara-san and make him jealous. Because the first thing we need to know is whether or not we’re right about why Ryuugamine-kun crossed Izaya-san.”

“Excellent,” Masaomi said, feeling better about everything.

~ ~ ~ ~

“And that’s it,” Izaya said. “Beginning, middle, end.”

Mikado considered everything Izaya had just told him and decided that it fit in pretty well with what Masaomi had told him earlier that day. To have confirmation from a separate source was somewhat reassuring. So why couldn’t he shake the feeling that there was far more to this than what he was seeing?

“Okay,” he finally said. “Now, what are you leaving out?”

Izaya laughed. “Mikado-kun, you wound me! You just assume I haven’t told you everything!”

“Well,” Mikado said reasonably, “you haven’t. Right?”

“Right,” Izaya said, spinning around in his chair. “Saki seemed pretty interested in what happened six months ago. How you came in behind my back and shut down my beautiful setup.” He sighed dramatically. “You’re so mean, Mikado-kun. That was going to be so epic. You and Kadota ruined all my fun.”

Mikado continued to look at Izaya with a level gaze. “Don’t pout,” he finally said. “You’re too old for it to be cute.”

“I’m only twenty-four.”

“That’s about twenty years too old for it to be cute.”

“I have every right to pout.”

Mikado shook his head. “I didn’t break any of your rules,” he reminded Izaya. “We agreed after Yagiri Pharmaceuticals that if I could get behind your back and outmaneuver you, that was not only my right but my job. Because if I could do it, so could somebody else.”

“Not likely,” Izaya said with a snort. “Oh, you were sneaky, I’ll give you that. Smuggling all those Dollars into the Scarves or Squares or whatever you call it.”

“You can pretend you saw it coming all you want,” Mikado said, “but I know you didn’t, because if you had, you would have stopped me.”

“Ah! You want to see something interesting?” Izaya asked, changing the subject abruptly with a somewhat wicked smile. He punched buttons on his phone rapidly and then held it up to display a picture that somebody had taken of Anri and Masaomi having tea. “Looks like they’re pretty cozy together.”

Mikado looked at the picture with a blank expression that he hoped adequately hid the twist of jealousy that wrenched through his stomach. “Okay. So?”

Izaya smirked at him, and Mikado wondered uneasily if the information broker was buying his nonchalance. “Just putting it out there. Filing it away. Who knows? It might come in handy later, ne?”

“Consider it filed,” Mikado said. He wanted to get out of the office before he punched Izaya in the face. “Do you have work for me to do today? Because if not, I should get home. I have a physics test tomorrow that I need to cram for.”

“Nah,” Izaya said. “Go be the responsible member of society that I know’s in there somewhere. Have fun.”

Mikado nodded, shouldered his bag, and left the building. He walked home slowly, thinking things over. Obviously, his attempts to convince Izaya that he was no longer interested in Anri weren’t working. That was something he would have to keep in mind, although if she were going to date Masaomi, he supposed it wouldn’t matter. He tried to convince himself that he was completely okay with that, and sighed. Self-deception didn’t fit him very well anymore.

Worse was the feeling that now that Masaomi was back in town, Izaya was scheming something else. Of course, Izaya was always scheming things. Mikado just wished he would stop scheming things that involved him personally. He knew it would never happen. Izaya had too much fun seeing how he reacted.

He wished that there was someone he could talk to about this, but there was no one. He had never been good at making friends to begin with, and since coming to Ikebukuro, he had felt increasingly isolated. He had acquaintances. Anri had started to become a friend, but then he had been forced to back away from her. There was no one he trusted. Izaya had drilled that into him from his first day in Ikebukuro.

“Remember,” the broker had said, “don’t trust anybody. Don’t believe in anybody.”

“Not even you?” a much more innocent Mikado had asked.

Izaya had laughed. “Especially not me.”

Good advice, which Mikado had learned Izaya had honestly meant far later than he should have. He still remembered the anguish that had accompanied learning his employer had been the one driving the Yellow Scarves and the Dollars against each other. People had been hurt then. People he knew. People in the Dollars, that he was responsible for protecting.

He didn’t think Izaya understood that part at all.

Mikado remembered somewhat wistfully the time back home when he had created the Dollars. He had wanted a family, a place to belong. He had encouraged them to do good things. For the first time in his life, he hadn’t felt alone. Had he really changed that much?

He let out a sigh and let himself into his apartment. There were people he could talk to now - he was friendly with Kadota and Celty, somewhat friendlier than he thought Izaya might have preferred, as Celty now refused to talk to the broker at all but always insisted on using Mikado as an intermediary - but he didn’t think he could burden any of them with his teenaged angst. He shook his head at himself and sat down with his trigonometry.

He didn’t trust anybody.

He didn’t believe in anybody.

So why was it that when he thought about Masaomi, for the first time in years, he wanted to believe?

~ ~ ~ ~

Masaomi realized quickly that one flaw in his plan to figure out what was up with Mikado by dating Anri was that he didn’t know this universe’s Mikado. How was he going to find out how he felt about things? He could observe him, true, but even that would be difficult; they didn’t have any classes together, so they rarely saw each other. Maybe Anri would be able to tell.

With this in mind, he waited until Sunday and then took her on a grand tour of Ikebukuro. Unlike Mikado, she had lived there all her life, but one of the best things about Ikebukuro was that there were always new things to do, new places to go. They saw the sights, ate some ice cream despite the chilly weather, and in general had a good time.

Monday night, Masaomi was trying to do his homework, and signed into the chat room to see if anyone was there. It was the usual crowd of three, and he was greeted cordially. Nobody seemed to have figured out who he was yet. They were talking about some gang activity in Shinjuku, which didn’t really interest him beyond the fact that nothing seemed to be going on in Ikebukuro currently. For once, everything was quiet. This had the effect of making him extremely nervous. He knew that Izaya hated quiet. Whenever things settled down, Izaya was always thinking up ways to liven them up again.

‘Tanaka Taro’ seemed short and snappish, which was very unlike him, and Masaomi wondered if it had anything to do with his date with Anri. Since Mikado and Anri were in the same class, she might have mentioned it. Or, given Mikado’s extensive information network through Izaya, it was fully possible he had found out about it on his own.

He wasn’t the only one who noticed. Setton - who was Setton? Masaomi wondered; he had theorized in his own world that it was Celty but had never been able to confirm - asked him if something was wrong. Tanaka Taro replied that it was nothing; he just had a big test the next day.

Grinning, Masaomi texted Anri. ‘Do you have a test tomorrow?’

A few moments later, she responded ‘No, why?’

His grin widened. ‘I think our plan is working.’

Tanaka Taro quickly changed the subject to something else. Kanra said nothing about it, and that too struck Masaomi as very interesting. It didn’t seem like Izaya to keep his nose out of something like that little discussion. Did Izaya already know why Mikado was in a bad mood? Or did he have reasons of his own for keeping quiet?

Masaomi let things stay quiet for the next day, took Anri out for tea again after school on Wednesday, and said to her, “I think you should have lunch with Mikado on the roof tomorrow.”

Anri eyed him solemnly over the edge of her mug. “Okay,” she said, not asking why. “I’ll ask him, but I don’t know that he’ll agree.”

“Tell him it’s about school stuff. Is he still the class rep?” he asked.

Anri nodded, and then frowned faintly. “Shouldn’t you know that?” she asked.

Masaomi cursed. He was growing so comfortable with Anri that he had forgotten she didn’t know the full extent of the circumstances. He couldn’t always get away with asking questions like that. “Yeah, well, I’ve been gone six months. You’ve moved up a year. It could have changed.”

“I suppose,” Anri said, although she sounded somewhat dubious. Fortunately for him, she let it go. Masaomi made a mental note to guard his tongue more carefully in the future.

The next day, he waited until the lunch hour, then went up to the roof about halfway through. Mikado had accepted Anri’s invitation; they were sitting side-by-side on one of the benches. Masaomi was very gratified to see the faint blush on Mikado’s cheeks. Apparently some things hadn’t changed, which was a relief so strong that it somewhat surprised him.

He bounced across the roof and went to one dramatic knee in front of Anri. “Anri-chan! How I’ve missed you since yesterday!”

Anri blushed and giggled, hiding it behind one hand. Masaomi did not miss the way Mikado suddenly stiffened at his entrance, the smile and the blush falling from his face as he fixed his gaze steadfastly in the distance. “Kida-kun, you’re being ridiculous,” she said.

“Ah, well, that is my specialty,” he said. “Come out with me again on Sunday! I found a place with amazing desserts! And we can see that new creature feature.”

“Okay,” Anri said, her blush deepening.

Mikado cleared his throat. “Sonohara-san, if you - ”

“Sheesh!” Masaomi said, before he could help it. “Still with the Sonohara-san? Her name is Anri. Say it with me, Mikado-kun. An-ri-chan.”

Mikado gave him a look that was almost Mikado’s old look of half-exasperation, half-amusement, but this time had a healthy dosage of jealousy and irritation heaped in it as well. He ignored Masaomi’s words and continued, “Sonohara-san, if you don’t mind, I have some work I need to get done, so I - ”

Masaomi wasn’t having any of that. “Ah, no, I’m intruding,” he said. “You stay right here. I’ll go. See you Sunday, Anri-chan?”

“Okay,” she said.

Masaomi leaned over and kissed her cheek, darted a gaze at Mikado and saw something very like bitter rage on his face, didn’t miss the way one of Mikado’s fists clenched. Then he took off before they could actually get in an argument. It seemed that it would be somewhat dangerous to push Mikado this way, but at least he had his answer now. Mikado was still, in this universe, so enamored of Anri that he could barely see straight.

He was whistling as he changed his shoes after school, and jumped when he realized that Mikado was at his elbow. “Mikado-kun,” he said, startled.

For a moment, it looked like Mikado might protest the familiarity, but then he just said abruptly, “Why are you dating Sonohara-san?”

“Do I need an ulterior motive to date such a stunning young lady?” Masaomi asked, closing his locker. “Not everyone is like you, Mikado-kun.”

Mikado looked like he had bit down on a lemon. “Why do you need Sonohara-san when you have Mikajima-san?”

Masaomi bit back a curse. That was something he hadn’t thought of. Mikado would, of course, know the extent of his relationship with Saki through Izaya. He would know that Masaomi taking Anri out couldn’t possibly be as simple as it seemed. He chewed on his lower lip in frustration. He wasn’t made for this intrigue bullshit.

That left being straightforward as his best option. He looked at Mikado and said, “You know better than anyone that information isn’t free. I’ll tell you why I’m dating Anri-chan if you’ll answer a question of mine.”

Mikado’s eyes narrowed, but then he nodded. “This isn’t the place,” he said, and turned abruptly, walking away. Masaomi hastened after him, and hoped that he knew what he was doing. An information exchange with Mikado had the possibility of being very useful, but it was also a dangerous game.

They walked a little while, to the familiar playground where they always got ice cream. Then Mikado sat down on a bench and said, “Well?”

“You don’t like me dating Anri-chan,” Masaomi said, almost smiling. “It’s so obvious. It’s written all over your face. And if I know, then Izaya knows.”

Mikado’s gaze slid away. “You still haven’t answered the question.”

“Anri-chan was upset that you lost interest in her. She didn’t know if your heart wasn’t in it, or if something else was going on. Something related to Saika, or the Dollars. I told her I would go on a few dates with her to see if it would make you jealous. If it did, then the problem wasn’t her or your interest in her. That means something else is going on. And now I know what.”

“You don’t - ”

“I do,” Masaomi overrode him sharply. “If you know about me and Saki, then you know that I know exactly why you might decide not to show any further interest in Anri-chan.”

Mikado said nothing for a long moment. Then he said, “What’s your question?”

“Why do you work for Izaya when you obviously despise him?”

There was a pause. Mikado let out a breath. “It’s complicated.”

“Explain it to me. I’m a little slow, but if you use one-syllable words and short sentences, I’ll try to keep up.”

At this, Mikado smiled, an expression that was much more familiar to Masaomi. “When I moved to Ikebukuro, I didn’t have anyone else. Izaya had talked me into it. Well, and I truly wanted to go to Raira and move to the city. Izaya was my friend. He helped me out. Then a bunch of stuff happened with Yagiri Pharmaceuticals - I don’t know how much you know about that - but it taught me how dangerous ignorance could be in this city. So I started working for him. I don’t despise him. But I do understand him. He is exactly who he is, and nobody and nothing will ever change that.”

“If you understand that, wouldn’t it be better to get away from him?” Masaomi asked.

Mikado was quiet for a moment. Then he shook his head. “It’s better to be the devil’s right hand than in his path.” He stood. “That’s why I work for Izaya. Go home and think about that.”

He turned to walk away. Masaomi grabbed his wrist. “Let me help you,” he said.

“You? Help me?” Mikado laughed. “Kida-kun, last time I got involved with anything regarding you, it nearly destroyed the Dollars. I don’t tolerate that. I know it wasn’t entirely your fault - ”

“Damn right it wasn’t. Izaya sold your name to Horada.”

“No, he didn’t. Yagiri Namie did.”

Masaomi recovered quickly. “He knew that she would do it, though, and he didn’t stop her. Damn it, Mikado, you know that Izaya was the one behind all that, fanning the flames, pushing the different groups together. You have to know that. That’s why you talked to Kadota and came in and shut it all down before Anri-chan could get hurt.” Masaomi realized too late that he hadn’t used the honorific with his friend, but Mikado didn’t seem to notice. “She’s going to be hurt again if someone doesn’t stop him. You know somebody has to stop him. Together we could do it!”

“Are you completely naïve?” Mikado asked, a question which seemed altogether strange, coming from him. “Do you think he wouldn’t see that coming? Do you think he won’t know about this exact conversation by the end of the day?”

Masaomi hesitated. “I - ”

“You’re not built for this,” Mikado said. “You’re too obvious about everything you say and do. That’s exactly why he was able to manipulate you so easily the first time and he’ll do it again this time. There is nothing you can do to help me, so leave me alone.”

“I won’t. I can’t!”

“Why not?”

Masaomi’s gaze dropped. “I can’t.”

“You - ”

“Don’t you realize I would be dead if it weren’t for you?” Masaomi shouted suddenly. “What do you think would have happened six months ago if Kadota hadn’t showed up? Me and Anri-chan, dead, both of us! I was already halfway there for more reasons than I can begin to list. Horada and his cronies would have beaten me to death and then done God knows what to Anri-chan.”

Mikado said nothing.

“If it’s better to be the devil’s right hand than in his path,” Masaomi challenged, “then wouldn’t it be even better to be the devil himself? You go home and think about that, Mikado-kun, because together we could get rid of Izaya and put you in his place. Let me know what you want to do. But I’m not going to go away. I will never go away. That’s something you’ll just have to live with.”

Their gazes met, and held for a long moment. Then Masaomi abruptly looked away, turned, and ran as fast as he could before he could say anything else that he would never be able to take back.

~~//~~\\~~