Recent scare (a big one)
This is a posting I made in an online community on January 16. It was just before an exam.
"This morning Katie has a medical test to go through. The results of it will give a pretty good indication of which of two paths the rest of our lives will take. One is not so good.
A couple of months ago, in early November, she had a sensation on her left cheek that she just couldn't figure out. She said it wasn't numb, it wasn't tingling, and at times she felt it might be swollen. She mentioned this to her cardiologist, who sent her to a nuerologist, who sent her for a brain MRI to see if she showed signs of lesions or other abnormalities that might suggest M.S. (multiple sclerosis). My own subsequent research tells me that these kinds of sensations can be related to a number of things, including stress, menopause, Bell's Palsy, and others. Yet the doctors seem to be considering only M.S., which both pisses me off and scares me.
The MRI came back good with the exception of one set of features the nuerologist said are common in people with high blood pressure, which she has. The radiologist described these features as non- specific, but potentially suggesting a number of things, including M.S.
The nuerologist then suggested she go through two additional tests which are used to look for M.S. One was a spinal tap, which she scheduled and then canceled because she doesn't think she has M.S. and because she just wasn't ready to take such an invasive procedure which often has bad side effects. The other is a test where they place electrodes near the back of her head and flash visual impulses into her eyes and measure the speed at which these signals travel. The results of this test can be returned right after the test.
So she's having the visual test this morning. In fact, it's
scheduled to have started right about now. I'll be joining her when they give back the results.
I don't mind saying that this has been a horrifically shocking and frightening thing. She continues to simply declare that she doesn't have M.S. I keep maintaining that we can't simply declare that and have it be true.
So in a few hours things will be much different for me, either good or bad. We have no choice but to go forward and play whatever hand is dealt us, but there are some hands I don't want to have to play.
She's such a good person and has had so many disappointments in the last year and a half, starting with our razor thin escape from the collapsing bridge, her crash and broken wrist in the marathon she was expecting to win, her layoff, two missed job opportunities, and on and on. She's really, really due for a victory, but being due it has never guaranteed it. We've already talked about it and agreed
that no matter what happens, we just have to pick up the pieces and continue on together. That's all we can do. If there IS a God, now would be a good time to bless one who so richly deserves it."
----------------------------------
These are some posts I made after the exam.
"Okay - here's the word; there is NO evidence that she has M.S.
So whatever chants you did, prayers you said, favors you called in, or deals you made - it worked.
I'll back off from being pissed off at God for the time being.
Looks like he took care of his own this time.
Thank you all for your caring. Chris, no of course we don't mind Duke and Jeannine knowing what's happened. I haven't said anything to anyone except my dad, sister, and uncle. It's just been too much. I haven't known how to deal with it so I've just kept it to myself for the most part, but it's not a dirty secret or anything.
I'm a happy guy - a very very very happy guy!!!
My biggest stress today is whether or not I can make myself exercise BEFORE I drink!! heheh
Ya'll are pretty awesome, ya know??"
........................
"Thanks, everyone - yeah we're stoked about the test results. I don't mind telling you that dealing with this possibility for the last month or so has been just gut wrenching. M.S. is a cruel and debilitating disease, and attacks older people more suddenly. Young people who are diagnosed with M.S. can sometimes go for decades with a cyclic presence of the disease wherein they have a flare-up, but then the flare-up passes and they fully recover what they'd lost during the flare-up.
At some point, though, it will become Primary Progressive, where the person does not recover from the flare-ups and they lose the ability to move their bodies. People who develop M.S. at an older age (Katie is 51, nearly at the age where Nuerologists wouldn't even diagnose M.S. regardless of symptoms - it's pretty much a younger person's disease) are far more likely to start right in at the Primary Progressive stage. In other words, my worst fear was that when this disease started to affect her in earnest, she would go downhill very quickly and dramatically.
When we went to get test results earlier today, this is what was hanging over me. I don't have enough courage to face this. After this experience, I have a new and profound regard for the people who have to live with this disease. I have a much deeper awe of them than I ever did before.
Usually I'm able to face risk with sobriety and acceptance of all possible outcomes, especially when I realize that it is forced upon me and is non-negotiable, such as dealing with my dying mother. I'm an experienced risk-taker and I know how to face up to it when things go wrong and to take my chances fairly, like a man, and have no regrets about the results. But this was different. I didn't have a plan or preparation for how I would react or what I would do if this test would have not turned out well."
----------------------------------------
I've always supported M.S. as a cause generally. I sponsor friends who ride in the M.S. 150, etc., but now I have discovered this disease in a whole new way, on a whole new level. I was faced with the belief that Katie had M.S. for several weeks and I went through and entire mental process. I researched M.S. incessantly and learned everything I could about it in the few weeks I had to deal with it. A lot of my thoughts were centered around how much she doesn't deserve this, how the disease has the capacity to destroy the little fairy tale we hope we live out, just how utterly wrong it is for her to be afflicted in such a ghoulish way.
Of course, the corollary to that was that NONE of the people afflicted with M.S. deserve it any more than she did. The reasons for my shock, fear, and rage when I believed Katie had M.S. apply to everyone who has it, and those who love them.
So somehow, some way, when I find the opportunity, I'll be contributing to the fight against M.S. in a more personal, dedicated way. I've learned a great new sympathy for those who have to live with it. God Bless them.
"This morning Katie has a medical test to go through. The results of it will give a pretty good indication of which of two paths the rest of our lives will take. One is not so good.
A couple of months ago, in early November, she had a sensation on her left cheek that she just couldn't figure out. She said it wasn't numb, it wasn't tingling, and at times she felt it might be swollen. She mentioned this to her cardiologist, who sent her to a nuerologist, who sent her for a brain MRI to see if she showed signs of lesions or other abnormalities that might suggest M.S. (multiple sclerosis). My own subsequent research tells me that these kinds of sensations can be related to a number of things, including stress, menopause, Bell's Palsy, and others. Yet the doctors seem to be considering only M.S., which both pisses me off and scares me.
The MRI came back good with the exception of one set of features the nuerologist said are common in people with high blood pressure, which she has. The radiologist described these features as non- specific, but potentially suggesting a number of things, including M.S.
The nuerologist then suggested she go through two additional tests which are used to look for M.S. One was a spinal tap, which she scheduled and then canceled because she doesn't think she has M.S. and because she just wasn't ready to take such an invasive procedure which often has bad side effects. The other is a test where they place electrodes near the back of her head and flash visual impulses into her eyes and measure the speed at which these signals travel. The results of this test can be returned right after the test.
So she's having the visual test this morning. In fact, it's
scheduled to have started right about now. I'll be joining her when they give back the results.
I don't mind saying that this has been a horrifically shocking and frightening thing. She continues to simply declare that she doesn't have M.S. I keep maintaining that we can't simply declare that and have it be true.
So in a few hours things will be much different for me, either good or bad. We have no choice but to go forward and play whatever hand is dealt us, but there are some hands I don't want to have to play.
She's such a good person and has had so many disappointments in the last year and a half, starting with our razor thin escape from the collapsing bridge, her crash and broken wrist in the marathon she was expecting to win, her layoff, two missed job opportunities, and on and on. She's really, really due for a victory, but being due it has never guaranteed it. We've already talked about it and agreed
that no matter what happens, we just have to pick up the pieces and continue on together. That's all we can do. If there IS a God, now would be a good time to bless one who so richly deserves it."
----------------------------------
These are some posts I made after the exam.
"Okay - here's the word; there is NO evidence that she has M.S.
So whatever chants you did, prayers you said, favors you called in, or deals you made - it worked.
I'll back off from being pissed off at God for the time being.
Looks like he took care of his own this time.
Thank you all for your caring. Chris, no of course we don't mind Duke and Jeannine knowing what's happened. I haven't said anything to anyone except my dad, sister, and uncle. It's just been too much. I haven't known how to deal with it so I've just kept it to myself for the most part, but it's not a dirty secret or anything.
I'm a happy guy - a very very very happy guy!!!
My biggest stress today is whether or not I can make myself exercise BEFORE I drink!! heheh
Ya'll are pretty awesome, ya know??"
........................
"Thanks, everyone - yeah we're stoked about the test results. I don't mind telling you that dealing with this possibility for the last month or so has been just gut wrenching. M.S. is a cruel and debilitating disease, and attacks older people more suddenly. Young people who are diagnosed with M.S. can sometimes go for decades with a cyclic presence of the disease wherein they have a flare-up, but then the flare-up passes and they fully recover what they'd lost during the flare-up.
At some point, though, it will become Primary Progressive, where the person does not recover from the flare-ups and they lose the ability to move their bodies. People who develop M.S. at an older age (Katie is 51, nearly at the age where Nuerologists wouldn't even diagnose M.S. regardless of symptoms - it's pretty much a younger person's disease) are far more likely to start right in at the Primary Progressive stage. In other words, my worst fear was that when this disease started to affect her in earnest, she would go downhill very quickly and dramatically.
When we went to get test results earlier today, this is what was hanging over me. I don't have enough courage to face this. After this experience, I have a new and profound regard for the people who have to live with this disease. I have a much deeper awe of them than I ever did before.
Usually I'm able to face risk with sobriety and acceptance of all possible outcomes, especially when I realize that it is forced upon me and is non-negotiable, such as dealing with my dying mother. I'm an experienced risk-taker and I know how to face up to it when things go wrong and to take my chances fairly, like a man, and have no regrets about the results. But this was different. I didn't have a plan or preparation for how I would react or what I would do if this test would have not turned out well."
----------------------------------------
I've always supported M.S. as a cause generally. I sponsor friends who ride in the M.S. 150, etc., but now I have discovered this disease in a whole new way, on a whole new level. I was faced with the belief that Katie had M.S. for several weeks and I went through and entire mental process. I researched M.S. incessantly and learned everything I could about it in the few weeks I had to deal with it. A lot of my thoughts were centered around how much she doesn't deserve this, how the disease has the capacity to destroy the little fairy tale we hope we live out, just how utterly wrong it is for her to be afflicted in such a ghoulish way.
Of course, the corollary to that was that NONE of the people afflicted with M.S. deserve it any more than she did. The reasons for my shock, fear, and rage when I believed Katie had M.S. apply to everyone who has it, and those who love them.
So somehow, some way, when I find the opportunity, I'll be contributing to the fight against M.S. in a more personal, dedicated way. I've learned a great new sympathy for those who have to live with it. God Bless them.