Living
I graduated. I have a Bachelor's Degree. The past 20-some years of my life have been with one goal in my head: Get a degree. Well, now I have one...now what?
I've always had an idea about what I'd like to do. I've been singing in choirs since I was 7, for heaven's sake - I've always been a performer. Even during my performing hiatus after graduating high school, I found my way back. I've gotten awards and praise about my abilities since the 1st grade and I've always loved it. So I guess I'm ok with the details of the what. Now that I have the degree, I can audition. I know how to read music, I know how to learn a piece for an audition and I have an idea about where to start (well, sort of). As a part of my degree, I had to take conducting classes, which I eventually really enjoyed. I can do the performing thing until my voice gives out or I burn out or until there aren't any jobs left, and then I can go back to school for a Master's degree in choral conducting.
I guess I know the what. Right now I'm lacking the why, or something. I can't help the feeling that I'm unfulfilled right now. And for the time being, I guess that's ok. Kyle and I are really serious about each other, and that feels good. It's nice to have something that's stable and comfortable. I finally have a partner with whom I can work shit out if it arises.
He still has another year of undergrad, and that's only if he works his ass off to finish (49 credits in 3 semesters, including summer). He's then off to law school, preferably in a large city that can support a music scene. So there's the future idea - he'll be in law school while I'm getting my career underway. But what until then?
I had planned on staying in ABQ to wait for him, working full time at Costco and supplementing myself with music here and there - local theater if my schedule would allow, or a choir at the very least. But the further I get from graduation, the stronger the need is to get started with this show thing. I'm working full time at the moment because my department is a little screwy, but I should be able to drop back down to part time in a few weeks. At that point, I need to get started preparing for auditions and researching where I need to go. It's not that I dislike Albuquerque or the life I have here, but I need to get out to not feel like a failure and/or I'm wasting my time.
I'm really feeling the clock ticking now, where two months ago graduation was this foggy, ominous thing off in the distance - I had all the time I needed to do what I wanted to. I realize I'm only 24 (25 in less than a month) but I still feel like time is limited.
So how to I utilize the time I have? What do I need to be enjoying the majority of my time? How do I get to be 80-something and not have a heaping pile of regret about things I should have done?
Really, I guess I'm feeling kind of empty right now and I'm trying to figure out what I need to feel full. I know it involves getting my career started. I know it involved moving elsewhere. I'm daunted by the tremendous scope of choices available. School doesn't do a good job of teaching you how to prioritize from such an immense pool of possibility, or how to tune in to yourself to know exactly what you want. This not knowing is causing some anxiety and depression, but the fact that I'm aware of it helped me get it under control.
Do I really want what I'm planning? What can be better if I change my plans? What can potentially be worse? I know I'd be ok if I lost something for a not-as-good substitute...I'm just scared of regret.
Time will help, I know.
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