Woes of the Unwanted
Title: Woes of the Unwanted
Pairing: YooMin; HoMin; YunJae
Length: One Shot
Genre: Angst; Romance; Drama
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Oh, please.
Summary: When Changmin wakes up in Yoochun's bed after the night of his confession, it is only the beginning of his troubles. Yoochun, he soon finds, is completely straight, confusing the poor maknae as to how they ended up in bed together. Not only is Yoochun straight, however, but he was also thinking of someone who was not Changmin while they were doing the deed. This information bothers Changmin a great deal, especially after he goes to Yunho for comfort--"Am I unwanted?"--and Yoochun begins to call him horrible names that he can't help but believe are true. But what takes the cake, if things weren't bad enough already, is that Changmin is beginning to remember things about that night. Things that aren't so pleasant. Aren't so consensual. Was he... Was he raped?
-Woes of the Unwanted-
Changmin woke up to an empty bed. That wasn't unusual, of course, given that he had been single for most of his life, and the two or three girlfriends he'd had were never invited to spend the night in TVXQ's apartment. His bed was open to him and him alone on most nights; Yunho was the only one of the members that he allowed to crawl under his covers at all hours of the morning, because Yunho always went to Jaejoong, and the choice to spend the night with the maknae instead of the lead singer wasn't made often. He let Yunho spoon him because Yunho only chose him when the situation was dire and Jaejoong would only make it worse.
However, that wasn't the problem. This wasn't his bed. The room was reversed, with the door on the opposite side of the room from where his own door was. The bed was also smaller, though not by a large margin, the pillows fluffier and the comforter softer. It took only a moment longer for him to recognize the alien room as Yoochun's. The bed, too.
The reality of the situation dawned on him, then, and he buried himself deeper into the covers with a tired sigh. It wasn't an astonished and regretful affair. He didn't regret what happened, and he was far from surprised. Perhaps he should have been, because it took two to wrinkle the sheets, and while Changmin had been wanting to wake up in Yoochun's bed for quite some time, Yoochun was a different story.
Changmin could remember that he confessed only because it led to the sex, but he couldn't remember much of confessing. All that he could recall was that he wasn't drunk (spending more time with Yunho meant less time at the bottle), and that he had let it slip rather willingly. He was never one to give into impulse, and with Yoochun it was no different. He had decided to tell him about his mounting affections not in the hope that they'd be returned, but in the hope that he'd be rejected. If he heard to his face that Yoochun was straight and saw no future with him, moving on would be made easier. Changmin wasn't necessarily in love with the man, but he was definitely smitten.
The sex was unexpected, but it was crystal clear in Changmin's sleep-fogged memory. Well, most of it. He could recite the beginning and the end as intricately as a writer telling a story, but the middle had chunks missing from the timeline. It wasn't a minute after Changmin had announced the words, “I kind of like you,” unblushingly over the rim of his coffee mug that Yoochun was kissing him. He had been startled but kissed back, giving as much as he was being given, and it was only when Yoochun yanked Changmin out of his seat and forced him against a wall that the maknae broke away and asked what was happening. Yoochun, however, would hear no questions.
A part of Changmin-the one that knew that laying naked in Yoochun's bed wasn't the wisest place for him to be-wondered if Yoochun would have heard any refusal, either. It was almost scary, the way the older man had handled him. So uncharacteristic.
Primal was the best definition for it; he was claiming what was his with a ferociousness that Changmin had never seen in him. Clothing had been shed the moment Yoochun's door shut and locked. Changmin was the first to be completely naked, he remembered, and Yoochun wouldn't let him touch.
Anger. There was anger, too.
Changmin blinked at the ceiling above him, lifting one of his outstretched arms into his line of sight. Bruises colored the skin of his wrist with pretty handprints. They were pretty because they were small, but they were ugly because he could remember struggling when Yoochun pinned him down. It wasn't like the books. It was Changmin's first time to be taken, and Yoochun was not gentle. At that thought, Changmin's eyes widened.
Sitting up solidified his worries: he was in pain. What a nuisance. The pain in his ass was almost unbearable, and he was hardly able to think past the agony in order to wonder just how rough Yoochun had been with him. He could remember there being some preparation, but it was quick. Minimal. Didn't they have training today?
It took some time, but Changmin was eventually able to untangle himself from Yoochun's many blankets and climb to his feet. He needed to speak with the man who had so ungraciously taken his virginity, or at least ask Yunho if he could take it easy today. Explaining why would be embarrassing, no doubt, but Yunho was going to know by the end of the day, anyway. Yunho didn't talk about his feelings, but Changmin did. He knew he'd tell his best friend about it (albeit in vague detail) as soon as they were alone.
Finding Yoochun was priority. It was very strange that he wasn't there, actually. Yoochun was a late riser, whereas Changmin was a light sleeper. Changmin should have known Yoochun's sleeping schedule-he'd spent many a morning denying that he was waiting for him at the breakfast table. The fact that Yoochun had been able to shuffle around him and leave the room without waking him was a little spectacular. Changmin made a note to congratulate him.
Now, however, he was naked. He needed a robe at the very least. Glancing around him, he took in his surroundings. His eyes lingered on Yoochun's open closet for all of two seconds before he rolled his eyes and decided against going through it. He had had sex with Yoochun, but that hardly rationalized wearing the older man's clothing. He and Yoochun needed to discuss the dynamics of their relationship-if there was a relationship, for example-before such affectionate liberties were taken. A second look at Yoochun's closet did make Changmin consider organizing it, though. Again, he let the thought go.
He settled with his own clothing. The pieces littered the floor in the exact places they'd been dropped the night before, proof that Yoochun hadn't bothered cleaning up at all. Given that Yoochun was barely even aware of his own existence when he woke up, Changmin chose to forgive him for that.
He had to wiggle into his jeans very carefully because he was all too tender, and shuffling into the hallway meant waddling into the hallway. He met Junsu first, the older man tying his shoe outside of his bedroom, and Changmin exchanged smiles with him before moving on. He only faintly heard Junsu inquire about his awkward limping. He didn't see either Yunho or Jaejoong on his way to the kitchen, which usually meant that Jaejoong was out getting coffee and Yunho was busy working out somewhere. That was comforting, because Junsu didn't interrupt private conversations unless invited to do so; when he saw Changmin talking to Yoochun with hushed tones, he'd probably step out of the apartment to wait for the others on the stairwell.
At least Yoochun was in the apartment. Considering what was to become of their pending conversation, Changmin had to be thankful that the baritone singer hadn't packed his things and disappeared from the face of the planet.
Changmin found him in the kitchen. Maybe it was only a lingering sense of lovesickness, but Changmin couldn't help a small smile when he spotted Yoochun leaning heavily over a cup of hot chocolate. “Hey,” Changmin called softly, mussing his hair. Yoochun visibly tensed at the sound of his voice, not bothering to glance behind him, and the reaction worried the maknae. It was almost enough to make him pause, but he had never been one to back down from a challenge or run away from his problems, so he merely stepped further into the kitchen, giving a nervous chuckle. “You weren't there when I woke up. Did you have something you needed to do?”
Yoochun's refusal to look at him for minutes after that should have tipped Changmin off on what was going through Yoochun's mind, but the younger man was still glowing with the thought that he'd slept with his crush. Who could blame him for that, really? Besides himself, which he would. He knew even then that he would.
“We... Changmin-ah, we need to talk.” The first sentence Yoochun spoke since falling asleep with Changmin's head against his chest. Foreboding, even ominous, but for whatever reason, the words didn't hurt. If Yoochun wanted to break up with Changmin before they even started dating, so be it.
Changmin beat him to the punch. “You don't want to take this any further?” he asked as Yoochun turned to face him finally. Yoochun grimaced, but Changmin shrugged. His smile had already faded over a minute ago, when it became more than obvious that his wishes were to go unfulfilled. He cocked his head to the side. “You want this to be a `fuck and run' type deal?”
The obscene language brought a flinch to Yoochun's features, but Changmin didn't mean it maliciously. He was only asking about the nature of Yoochun's actions. Changmin couldn't really be blamed for what happened; he'd hardly participated. Hell, he hadn't needed to. Yoochun had practically raped him. Yoochun cleared his throat. “I, um...” He ran a hand through his hair. “I think what happened last night... should be forgotten.” At that, Changmin quirked an eyebrow. “We're band mates, and if anything should happen like a fight or something, the band would split right down the middle.”
He had a point. Jaejoong would always be at Yoochun's side, Yunho was impossible to detach from Changmin's, and Junsu would gladly declare himself Switzerland and become a solo artist just so he wouldn't have to pick sides. It was a situation that Changmin, as well as Yoochun, didn't want to see arise. It was comforting, though. Not the situation, but the fact that Yoochun was only protecting the band. Changmin hadn't done anything wrong. Nothing to scare away the man of his dreams.
What a relief. “Okay,” said Changmin, licking his lips. It was a little disappointing, but understandable. “I get it. Yeah, I don't want the others fighting because of us, either.”
With all due respect, Yoochun should have let the conversation drop there. It would have saved himself a whole lot of anger and Changmin a year's worth of grief. But it continued, as all horrendous things do. “And I'm not,” Yoochun went on, looking away, and Changmin saw the first traces of forced arrogance that Yoochun had ever shown him, “like that. Like you. It's just not, you know, my thing.”
He was talking like a teenager aching for attention, but Changmin couldn't find the will within himself to find it amusing. His thing? he thought. What the hell is that supposed to mean? He nearly had to strangle himself to keep from voicing his thoughts, but since Yoochun had yet to see how proud Changmin could be, he managed to cage the impulse just in time. Instead, he took a deep breath, crossed his arms, and considered what Yoochun had actually said.
So Yoochun was straight. That was... also understandable. It took some effort, but Changmin could see how sleeping with him could be some sort of test. It was the ultimate test, at that. “Okay,” he repeated. Yoochun hadn't seemed at all put off by the penis the previous night. He had skipped over it at first, Changmin noted, but in the end, he had jerked Changmin off. He hadn't let Changmin do it himself, so it was only polite.
“I mean, yeah, I slept with you,” Yoochun continued, unintentionally digging his grave even deeper, “but it was only to check to see if I could really do this. Be in a relationship with you.” As he spoke, he kept his eyes on the tile next to Changmin's right foot. Changmin was tempted to step either forward or backward to hinder the older man's thought process. “I thought that it might be possible. I mean, you're kind of cute, but after I slept with you, I realized that you weren't what I was looking for.”
That only confused Changmin further. Yoochun had come. Inside of him. Yoochun had... jerked him off. And Yoochun had watched him. He had watched Changmin's face when he climaxed. So what did “you weren't what I was looking for” mean? Under the circumstances, what could it mean? He wasn't sexy enough? Was that it? “O-Okay,” he murmured, eyebrows furrowing.
Yoochun nodded stiffly. “And, um, I wanted to explain why I was so... er...”
“Violent?” Changmin supplied, stepping toward Yoochun, and Yoochun met his eyes for the span of a second before dropping his gaze back to where it had been before.
“Uh, yeah,” he replied with a cough. “That was... I was angry. Really angry.”
That single statement changed everything that Changmin thought he understood about this situation. His head immediately began spinning. The fact that Yoochun was angry during the rough sex made perfect sense-he had predicted it, even-but that could mean so many other things. Things that Changmin really didn't want to think about. “At... You were angry at me?” he asked, squeaking slightly.
Changmin didn't feel any despair, but apparently Yoochun could see some of it on his face, because Yoochun looked almost apologetic. Almost panicked. Almost. Only almost. “No! Not at... you, at someone else. There's this girl, and, well-”
“Wait,” Changmin whispered, eyes narrowing as the world around him cracked. Oh, now everything made sense. It made perfect, disgusting sense. “Are you saying that there was someone else? While you were fucking me so thoroughly?”
Yoochun turned beet red. “I didn't-Well, yeah, I guess, but I didn't-”
Changmin would be damned if he let Yoochun try to explain this one away. “No, you... What, did the girl reject you? Is that it?” It had to be, hadn't it? Changmin was going to be sick.
Yoochun wasn't slow. Changmin wasn't surprised in the slightest when the older man pieced together the maknae's intentions. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “Well, no, I mean-she has a boyfriend, but-Changmin-ah, you're assuming too many things.”
Changmin snorted. “The hell I am!” He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to calm himself. He continued only after a minute of practiced breathing. “I was... You were only sleeping with me because you needed to fuck out your frustration?”
Yoochun looked almost angry at that, but he struggled to contain it. Smart move. Yoochun had no right to be angry at this point. None at all. “I wasn't trying to-”
“You were using me?” Changmin interrupted incredulously.
“No!” Yoochun yelled, looking horrified, and Changmin almost apologized. It was an annoying reflex. “I didn't-” Yoochun sighed. “Using is a strong word.”
Changmin scoffed. “Oh, hell no. I confessed at the most convenient time for you, didn't I? She had just started dating someone else, and you were so angry that you needed a quick fuck, and I was there all bright eyed and innocent. Does that sum it up?”
Yoochun shook his head. “No,” he replied, eyes hardening. “No, Changmin-ah. You make it sound so... so horrible,” he whispered, running a hand through his hair.
Changmin was far from amused, but he laughed anyway. “How else do you want me to describe it, hyung?” he asked, and it was then that the venom began to drop from his voice and the despondency began to creep in. “You... you were fucking me just because I was the only one willing to sleep with you last night. You were desperate, and-”
“I thought that if I slept with you,” Yoochun cut in, looking away, “that I would, I don't know, realize something. That's the way it's supposed to happen.” The only reply Changmin had to that was a confused blink, and Yoochun looked at the ceiling. “If I could like you at all, sleeping with you would have made me realize it. Like an epiphany.”
Ah, hell, Yunho had better get home quick, because Changmin was about to beat the love of his life to a bloody pulp. Yoochun's attempt at explanation could only be understood by the romantic. To the realist, however, it was utter bullshit. “Oh, fuck you,” Changmin whispered, and he barely twitched when Yoochun gaped. “That's not... oh, fuck you.” He turned away, fully intending to storm out of the room, but something pulled him back. A need to make Yoochun see, a final urge to claim for himself what would only belong to females, took hold of him, and he slapped Yoochun across the face. Yoochun brought his hand to his stinging cheek before he saw the tears in Changmin's eyes. “That's not how love works,” Changmin hissed, trying desperately to get his tears under control, but they wouldn't be blinked away. They continued to slip down his cheeks in slow, elegant drops like the single strokes of a bow on a violin string. “Love is slow. It starts with compatibility. Grows with friendship. And yeah, it smacks you in the face when you least expect it, but you can't be looking for it. You can't just expect it.” He wiped at his eyes. “Do you think I was looking for love in you? Hell, I'd think of Yunho before I'd think of you, and considering the circumstances, that's pretty damn bad.”
At this point, Yoochun tried to touch him, but even then Changmin could tell that it was a brotherly move. There was no romance behind it. Suddenly, Changmin wanted to hide away. Hide away and live as someone else until the end of time.
“I'm such an idiot,” Changmin whispered to himself, but Yoochun caught it. He caught it, and now he didn't know what to do with it. Changmin paid him little attention as he continued his monologue. “I seriously only wanted you to reject me so I could move on with my life, but instead you gave me false hope by going on some wild goose chase that I knew nothing about, and I...” He shook his head, leaning back against the dining table. “My god, I'm an idiot.” He lifted his eyes to catch Yoochun's. The older man gulped when their gazes met. “Did you know that it was my first time?”
At that, Yoochun nearly choked. “What?”
Changmin nodded. “You were my first. I was a virgin, and you took me so roughly.” He laughed again, the laugh of the damned.* “I wanted my first time to be special. Gentle, and with someone that loved me just as much as I loved him. But I guess not.”
In truth, Yoochun had nothing to say to that, and for that, Changmin was thankful. He did look confused, though. “I thought...” Yoochun began, eyebrows furrowing. “I-I just thought that-”
“If you dare say anything that would confirm that you are one of those ignorant assholes that assumes all gay men have been sexually active since they could ejaculate, I will not hesitate to hit you again,” Changmin muttered to the floor. “And I can't guarantee that I'll stop this time.” Yoochun was quick to obey the command for silence, and it was another few moments before Changmin spoke again. The tears were back, as was the anger, and there was an inner struggle as Changmin fought to keep his body from doing anything he didn't want it to. He met Yoochun's eyes once last time. “I respected you, hyung,” he told him, voice thick with pain. “I thought you were this... noble gentleman that put others before yourself. Sure, it was pretty annoying that you had such low self-respect, but you were worlds better at the self-respecting part than Yunho, so it was bearable. But then you did this, and...” He shook his head. “Did you even consider how I might feel if things turned out like this?”
Yoochun didn't know how to answer that at first, so Changmin waited. For minutes, he waited, eyes softening by the second as he took in each of Yoochun's tensed muscles and worried features. He couldn't hold back the natural urge to just forgive him. Yoochun hadn't meant any harm, had he? Of course not. He was Yoochun, for Christ's sake, the sensitive Casanova of TVXQ. He would learn from this mistake. It wouldn't happen again.
As time ticked on, it became apparent that Yoochun simply hadn't thought of Changmin's feelings, and that was almost alright. It was almost okay, and Changmin almost forgave him, and they almost became friends again. But there was a voice, a tiny little voice screaming that this was not him. This was not who he had aspired to be, and the time for forgiveness was not now. Later, but not now.
And Changmin did the only thing that he knew he'd respect later and he wouldn't regret doing. He said the words that he would have urged anyone else to say in this situation. His eyes narrowed as he glared into Yoochun's eyes, using every ounce of determination in his shaking body to ignore the tears now forming in Yoochun's eyes. Because now the beast had realized its sin. “Well, I hope you enjoyed taking my virginity, Yoochun-ah,” he said, as cool as he could pretend to be, “because you've lost whatever else you had of me before last night. My friendship included.” It was with those last three words that Yoochun's tears fell, but Changmin forced himself to turn away.
Changmin left him, then, left Yoochun standing and crying in the kitchen like he'd lost his purpose. The angry side of Changmin truly hoped he had. He hoped he was regretting the previous night just as much as Changmin was regretting confessing. The other part of him, the part that still cared for Yoochun more than a brother should have, was whispering something else, but given that over eighty percent of himself was the angry side, what little of him that cared for the older man went ignored.
He was nearly slamming his door closed when he backtracked. Unless he wanted the entire apartment to know about his exploits, he had better return to Yoochun's room and strip the sheets from Yoochun's bed so he could wash them before Jaejoong did-or else burn them before Yoochun did. Either way, Jaejoong asked too many questions, and Yunho was terrifying when angry (Changmin had seen him lose his cool once in all the years he'd known him; Yunho's notorious patience hid some serious anger-management issues).
The hinderance was annoying, but Changmin tucked his agitation behind his calm facade and retraced his steps to Yoochun's door. Upon opening it, however, he found that he was too late. Jaejoong had slipped into the apartment while Changmin was “discussing” their nightly activities with Yoochun. Now Jaejoong stood at Yoochun's bedside, sheets in his hands. He was staring at them with embarrassed confusion, eyebrows knit thoughtfully, and he only became aware of Changmin's presence when the maknae closed the door.
“Ch-Changmin-ah,” Jaejoong stuttered, fumbling momentarily as he he forgot for two seconds that Changmin was a grown man with an immense knowledge of sexual intercourse and everything that came with it. He relaxed when Changmin cocked his head to the side, but only slightly. He coughed. “Um, do you know if-”
Changmin had been staring at the sheets with mild anxiety. Oh, how fun. A round of explaining himself to the oldest was just what he needed; and explain, he would. He had no intension of glossing over Yoochun's misdeeds. If anything, he was aching to broadcast them. Jaejoong's abrupt silence brought Changmin's eyes to the older man's face, though. Jaejoong was staring at his bare chest, and it was only then that Changmin realized that he was covered from clavicle to navel in love-bites.
He was almost amazed. For a straight man, Yoochun certainly enjoyed marking him.
He cleared his throat, distracting Jaejoong and himself from the map of possession marring his skin. “Do I know if what?” he asked, fighting off the blush that was slowly rising to his cheeks.
The question startled Jaejoong into the present, and he looked away. “Uh, yeah, do you know if Yoochun had a girl over last night?”
Changmin decided to play innocent, quirking an eyebrow. “A girl?”
“Yeah, a girl,” Jaejoong repeated, opening the sheets to show Changmin what was on them. Changmin nearly left the room. There was cum, yes, and a lot of it, but what was even more shocking was the amount of blood that stained the cloth in the oddest places. Good lord, he remembered that Yoochun was rough, but he definitely didn't remember being forced into like an animal raping a virginal school girl. Maybe his mind had repressed the more painful parts of the previous night. It happened to rape victims all the time. Jaejoong's voice brought him back to the conversation. “There's... well, blood, as you can see, and other stuff, and...” He trailed off as he examined the mess, shaking his head, and he was suddenly talking to himself, forgetting briefly that Changmin was there. “But, my god, this is a lot of blood. I've been with virgins before, but damn...”
Changmin coughed, coloring in embarrassment. Jaejoong was the most sexually active of all five of them, with Yoochun and Junsu tying for second and Yunho barely coming in for third. That was, of course, because he was gay, though Changmin was the only one who knew. Yunho very rarely took women to hotel rooms, not trusting himself to manage a man well enough to get him to keep his mouth shut. Yunho might not look it, but he was a top, through and through. Sexual frustration came randomly and intensely. One time, he had even propositioned Changmin, an invitation that the maknae had found hilarious.
To think that Changmin had become another of Yoochun's conquests was just short of humiliating. “Yeah, he's kind of ignorant in certain departments,” said Changmin, shifting his weight, and Jaejoong glanced up a him in confusion. Changmin couldn't meet his gaze this time. “He failed to realize that men need a lot more preparation than women do. I mean, women make heir own lubricant, but men... don't.”
All the while that he kept talking, Jaejoong continued to stare at him, slowly piecing together what Changmin was trying to get him to realize. Once he connected the dots, however, he appeared to doubt it. Changmin could hardly blame him. Yoochun was straight, after all.
Before Jaejoong could even open his mouth, Changmin rushed to finish his rounded explanation. All he could think of was the jocks in high school, high-fiving one another after hearing that they had gotten laid the previous night. Would that be Jaejoong's reaction, assuming that he didn't give a damn about the gay half of things? Would he hurry to congratulate Yoochun on getting some ass? Because, oh, Yoochun had gotten Changmin's ass last night. At least, he had taken it. Not a drop of the blood on those sheets was Yoochun's. “It was me,” he murmured, face on fire. Jaejoong's eyes widened to their full capacity. “He took my virginity last night.”
Good god, Yoochun had deflowered him. It was a realization that nearly had Changmin loosing his footing, much like it had Jaejoong dropping the sheets in a dirty heap at his feet. They remained in their places for all of three seconds before Changmin dove for the sheets.
“I'll go wash these,” he said hoarsely, brushing a nervous strand of hair behind his ear. “I mean, it's my blood, and some of my... stuff, and I-”
He was barely on his feet again when Jaejoong interrupted. “Wait, are you and Yoochun-”
Changmin gathered the sheets to his chest, inching backwards as he did so. “No, no, of course not,” he assured him, shaking his head. “Yoochun-hyung is... is straight.” Saying it out loud was doing nothing to help his self control. He needed to leave the room as quickly as possible.
Jaejoong didn't move from where he had been standing when Changmin walked in, and he appeared to have no problem with letting Changmin leave. He was still full of questions, though, just as Changmin had expected him to be. “But you... Last night, he-”
Changmin was in the doorway now, and he shrugged with forced nonchalance. “A lapse in judgement on his part,” he replied, smiling a smile that hurt his cheeks. “It won't happen again, and-”
“So, you're okay?” Jaejoong cut in once again, finally taking a step forward. Changmin wanted to laugh at the question. He wanted to find it funny. “You and him are okay now, right?”
I'm not sure if okay is even in my vocabulary at the moment, Changmin thought, but he merely stretched his smile painfully wider. “Of course, we're okay,” he chirped, and he chose that moment to escape Jaejoong's presence. Jaejoong called something after him, but Changmin ignored it. He couldn't face Yoochun right now, and along with him came Yoochun's best friend.
It was as Yoochun had said. There was no question of who Jaejoong would choose if a choice had to be made.
*
Okay was the last word on Changmin's mind, as much as he wished that it was at its forefront. He had decided even before leaving the warmth of Yoochun's bed that he wouldn't make a big deal out of it if Yoochun didn't want to date him, but acting on the decision was proving more difficult than he'd previously anticipated.
Okay, Yoochun didn't want him. Okay, Yoochun was straight. Okay, Yoochun was only experimenting.
But was it really okay? He hadn't said anything about the sex being a trial run. He hadn't said anything at all, actually. Changmin hadn't been warned. He hadn't been prepared. Sure, while they were making out, he'd suspected that Yoochun's heart wasn't really in it, but Yoochun wasn't sweet. Yoochun wasn't uncertain in his actions. Changmin was willing to bet that Yoochun enjoyed it. He had come inside of Changmin and jacked Changmin off until he came as well.
That wasn't altogether unusual for straight men, though. Changmin knew several who had had sex with other men just for the sake of having sex, not because they were necessarily attracted to one another. Changmin could understand if that was Yoochun's mindset, but he had to admit that it was pretty shitty to take advantage of someone who is two dates away from falling in love with you. Changmin had thought that Yoochun was giving him a chance. Instead, he was only using him to settle his building frustration.
In many ways, it was similar to when Yunho had asked him for a roll in the hay. Yunho hadn't ever actually had sex with a man-and he still hadn't-and he really just wanted to hone his skills for when TVXQ was over and he could finally find a man with whom to live happily ever after. Changmin had never been a candidate for that roll, not even when Changmin had come out to him, and Changmin really couldn't be more grateful for that. He loved Yunho, he truly did, but falling in love with the man was damn near impossible. Maybe if Yunho was the last man on earth, but certainly not any time soon.
The differences between then and now were nearly as obvious as the similarities. For one, Yunho had explained to Changmin why he wanted to have sex with him before attacking him. At the time, Changmin had been terrified that Yunho liked him. He would have definitely given Yunho a chance, but he couldn't see them lasting long, and thankfully Yunho knew him well enough to recognize the panic growing in his eyes. Changmin had turned him down, though he himself was beginning to become sexually frustrated, because he didn't want Yunho to settle with having sex with a friend as his first time with a man. Changmin might have been a realist, but he still thought the magical moments were supposed to be magical.
Another thing was that Changmin would have turned Yoochun down if Yoochun explained his reasons for wanting to have sex. He would have turned Yoochun down even if Yoochun hadn't mentioned that there was someone else he liked. “Let's have sex so I can see if I like you,” wasn't at all appealing to Changmin, and he would have suggested that they go to dinner and a movie and see if they had any chemistry before taking such drastic measures.
Yoochun hadn't said anything at all, and Changmin had had no idea what he was getting himself into. Not a one. Yoochun had just... attacked him, rough from the very beginning. Anything Changmin had said fell on deaf ears, and he was completely at Yoochun's mercy until the older man had had his fill.
Changmin paused in his thinking at that moment, eyebrows furrowing. Had... he been raped?
“Changmin-ah.”
Speaking of Yunho. Changmin smiled up at the leader from where he sat on the floor, back against the wall of the dance studio where they were practicing for their upcoming album. The words of the song were still being written, but the beat and choreography were almost finished, and they had yet to learn what they needed to know by the next practice. They had been in the studio for nearly an hour now, Yoochun and Junsu both dancing their tails off with Jaejoong struggling beside them.
As soon as he had entered the room, Changmin had sat down in order to relieve some of the pain that had come from bouncing along on a bumpy road. Yunho hadn't asked why he was limping, though he soon would, and had spent the majority of the hour helping the others. That meant helping Jaejoong, mostly. Without the burden of practice, Changmin was free to observe the others to his content.
Yoochun wouldn't look at him, Changmin first noted. That was predictable, and Changmin stared because he knew Yoochun was well aware of him, even if he pretended not to be, and the longer Changmin stared, the stiffer Yoochun's movements became.
Jaejoong kept glancing in Changmin's direction. His blatant interest in Changmin's and Yoochun's drama was almost as obvious as Yoochun's determination to ignore it. It was apparent that Jaejoong hadn't discussed the matter with Yoochun yet-how could he, what with Yunho flying into the apartment the instant Changmin left Yoochun's room, panicking that they were late for five million things-but Changmin could tell that Jaejoong was about to explode with curiosity. He wasn't disgusted by what happened, which was terrific, but it seemed that he couldn't decide whether he wanted to be sympathetic to Yoochun and remain glued to his side or question Changmin about his sexuality and everything that came with being homosexual. This all led, of course, to another round of Changmin questioning whether Jaejoong was as straight as Yoochun or as straight as Yunho-or somewhere in between.
Yunho's sexuality, at least, wasn't a mystery at all, and Changmin watched him much longer than he watched the others. The others were completely oblivious to Yunho's attractions, and Changmin knew that they would have had something to say about how Yunho was touching Jaejoong if they did. Although they were the closest of friends, Yunho hadn't mentioned any serious crushes, and Changmin hadn't asked about any. It went the other way around, as well, with Yunho knowing little to nothing of Changmin's feelings for Yoochun. But Changmin was sure that he didn't need any conformations from Yunho to see this.
There was little doubt in his mind that Yunho had an enormous crush on Jaejoong. If in the odd chance that he was wrong, Yunho at least wanted to fuck the lead singer until he could barely walk, flip him over, and do it again. As Changmin was making this observation, Yunho's hands were pulling Jaejoong's hips against his own and twirling the older man with him. He was demonstrating a dance step, of course, but not even the naïve Jaejoong was completely fooled by the gesture. Changmin guessed that Yunho wasn't controlling his sexual urges as well as he thought he was (it had been nearly six months since his last one night stand), because while Jaejoong was compliant with Yunho's directions, his face turned redder with every inch of his body that came in contact with Yunho's. Particularly Yunho's crotch.
Again, Jaejoong wan't disgusted at all by it. From what Changmin could tell, Jaejoong was simply embarrassed and confused by Yunho's reaction to their close proximity. Changmin was hardly surprised by that. For all Jaejoong knew, Yunho was a straight man getting a hard on from dancing with another straight man. That would raise the eyebrows of even the most chaste men.
Now Yunho stood above him, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. Changmin's smile widened. “Hey, hyung,” he greeted, leaning back against the wall. “How is the dancing going?” How is your self control coming? was what was truly on his mind.
Yunho didn't catch the silent implication, so Changmin was allowed to remain amused by it. “It's going pretty well, thanks for asking,” Yunho replied dismissively, blinking. He shifted his weight to his right leg. “But I'm curious as to why you're here and not on the dance floor.”
Changmin's eyes widened. Oh, that was right. He hadn't asked Yunho for the day off, not having the chance to speak to him privately. Changmin had also been more than distracted by Jaejoong's shock at realizing Changmin's sexuality to think properly. He hadn't wasted one second considering the possibility that Jaejoong would stop loving him. It wasn't in Jaejoong's list of capabilities to stop loving anyone as close to him as Changmin was. But Jaejoong's reaction was daunting at best.
Yunho fell to his haunches, startling Changmin out of his thoughts, and for the longest three moments of Changmin's life, Yunho studied his face, his eyes in particular. It came to the point where Changmin smacked the leader's arm, because he was beginning to be severely bothered by the attention. Yunho swayed on his heels but remained upright, wincing.
“What the hell are you-” Changmin began, but Yunho cut through his words as if he'd never opened his mouth.
“What happened?” Yunho asked, voice a low base that Changmin easily deemed unrecognizable by canines and the other three men in the room. When Changmin simply stared at him, Yunho elaborated. “You were limping earlier, but you didn't say anything. You would have if you just hurt yourself.”
That only had Changmin hitting him again, and unlike the first time, this hit had Yunho losing his balance. “Stop it, you psychic freak,” he whispered, glancing cautiously over Yunho's shoulder to catch Jaejoong's eyes. The raven paused in his conversation with Junsu at the eye contact, smile slipping from his face like it had only been pasted there, and his eyes dropped to the back of Yunho's head for the quickest moment of realization Changmin had ever seen.
Ah, Jesus Christ. Jaejoong might have been an airhead, but he was sure connecting the dots rather quickly. Changmin was gay; Yunho was his best friend; Yunho was hard enough to cut glass. It was inevitable that he'd come to the wrong conclusion.
Yunho continued after resting himself on his knees, either not noticing or not bothering with Jaejoong's gaze on him. Changmin's problems, whatever they were, were far more important to Yunho than his sizable feelings for the lead singer. “What is it?” he whispered, eyes filling with concern. At Changmin's hesitation, he placed a hand on Changmin's knee. “What?”
“I...” Changmin replied, licking his lips. He lifted his eyes to meet Yunho's. “I had sex last night.”
Yunho blinked. “With a man?” he guessed.
“I can barely walk,” Changmin reminded him. “What do you think?”
Yunho's smile was so radiant, Changmin was forced to roll his eyes. “That's great,” Yunho told him, bouncing on his knees. “How was it? Who was it?” He was excited, which Changmin found partly amusing and partly confusing given that Yunho was an exclusive top. It could easily be explained away with Yunho wanting to know the proper way to treat his bottom, but Changmin was all too distraught to think that far.
He merely shook his head, cutting off Yunho's blinding enthusiasm. “Don't congratulate me,” he whispered, suddenly needing to cry, and he cursed himself inwardly. Fuck, he'd slept with Yoochun, but he had been unaware that “crybaby” was a sexually transmitted disease. Yunho saw the despair, saw that Changmin was only just proud enough to keep from crying out for help, and his other hand squeezed Changmin's other knee. Changmin knew that not only Jaejoong was misinterpreting the situation, but Yoochun as well. He could see the baritone singer out of the corner of his eye, watching them with hardening eyes.
Served him right, the straight bastard.
“Changmin-ah?” Yunho called, leaning into Changmin's personal space in an attempt to catch the maknae's eyes. The attempt was successful, and Changmin let him lean closer to examine his face. “You look exhausted. What happened? Were you hurt?”
Changmin laughed humorlessly, eyes flicking up to meet Jaejoong's momentarily before snapping back to Yunho's. “Jaejoong saw the blood.”
Yunho immediately tensed, but whether it was at Jaejoong's name or the word blood wasn't clear. Either way, he shifted even closer, and if Changmin spread his legs a little further, they would be reenacting exactly what he had been doing twelve hours ago. The thought made him blush. “`The blood?'” Yunho parroted.
Changmin nodded. “On the sheets. Jaejoong saw them,” he whispered.
At that, Yunho glanced behind them, catching Jaejoong off guard, and the raven instantly continued his conversation with a bewildered Junsu. Yunho didn't dwell on the fact that Jaejoong had been watching them. He didn't even seem to realize it. “He saw it?” Yunho asked, turning back to Changmin. “Jaejoong did?”
Changmin nodded again, eyes welling with tears again, because wow, he had never known that coming out could be this terrifying. “Yeah, he saw it, and... Yunho, it was so much blood. I can hardly believe that it was all mine.”
Yunho's eyebrows furrowed. “What idiot doesn't know that you can't just slip into a guy without some preparation? And a virgin, at that?”
Changmin dropped his eyes. Oh god, this was embarrassing, and this was only Yunho. “Well, he...” He trailed off for a few moments before coughing. “He didn't know.”
Now Yunho looked even more confused, something that Changmin wasn't really surprised by in the least. “You didn't tell him?” he asked, leaning closer in his incredulity. He wasn't distracted when his and Changmin's foreheads touched, though it startled Changmin into a blush (of embarrassment, only; there were no secret desires here). “Changmin-ah, what were you thinking?” he hissed, but that was as far as the conversation went.
Jaejoong, from all that Changmin could understand in the short time it took to get Yunho from his lap to stumbling back onto the dance floor, was apparently more affected by Changmin's sexuality and Yunho's aroused state than Changmin had originally calculated. The older man was the one who interrupted them. Changmin had been waiting for Yoochun to step in, either in a fit of anxious uncertainty that Changmin would tell Yunho what had transpired between them, or in a bout of lingering possessiveness that came with a serial monogamist having sex with someone else. (Love, for the most part, didn't see gender; jealousy was something that came whether there was attraction or not.)
So, Changmin was almost as surprised as Yunho when the lead singer moved forward with a sudden boost of testosterone, grabbed the nape of Yunho's shirt, and yanked the man to his feet. Yunho stumbled into his attacker but caught Jaejoong before he could loose his footing and raised a questioning eyebrow as he waited for an explanation. Jaejoong failed to provide one for all of three seconds-within which he appeared absolutely stunned at his own actions-before he began to babble in a way that only Jaejoong could.
“I have no idea how to do this move, and you're supposed to be helping me,” he scolded, glaring, and Yunho blinked. “Stop wasting time. I can't go on until I get this.”
Yunho, god bless him, was extremely lucky that Jaejoong wasn't ready for anything as serious as admitting his feelings, because any hint at jealousy or adoration went right over his head. He simply looked back at Changmin with affectionate concern, biting his lip. Changmin was glad to announce, however, that Yunho's erection had completely disappeared. He was glad, of course, because he was now eye level with Yunho's crotch, and while he might let Yunho fuck him once or twice, they were not that type of friends. “But,” the leader argued, gesturing in Changmin's general direction, “Changmin is-”
That had Jaejoong thinking clearly, finally, but when he glanced at Changmin as if remembering for the first time that the maknae had been fucked within an inch of his life the previous night, Changmin rushed to wave Yunho away. “Tonight,” he said, nodding when Yunho met his eyes. “I'll come to your room tonight.”
He meant “to talk,” but it wasn't at all extraordinary when the tense silence was sliced through by the clattering of a CD case on the wooden floor, dropped by Yoochun. Jaejoong's darkened gaze was a definite sign that he was reading further into it, as well, but neither Yunho nor Changmin thought to correct them, nor did they care to.
Maybe they should have. Again, so much could have been spared.
*
Changmin did come to Yunho's room that night, and the first three words of their conversation were said before Changmin was even invited inside. “It was Yoochun,” he whispered, dried tears leaving shining stripes on his cheeks.
Yunho moved aside the instant the words processed, opening his door as wide as it could go to let an exhausted Changmin shuffle into the room (his limping had subsided sometime around lunch). It appeared that Yunho had been waiting for him; the room was clean, the bed arranged with the blankets and pillows in the precise positions Changmin preferred them. Yunho didn't say anything, knowing that Changmin needed no encouragement at this point, and led Changmin to the bed.
Changmin wasted no time, crawling under the covers and resting against the headboard. “I don't know how it happened, it just... I confessed. I told him that I liked him, and then he was kissing me, then he was undressing me, and-”
“Shh...” Yunho soothed, sitting on the edge of the mattress. He rubbed Changmin's leg through the covers. “Slow down, Changmin-ah. Breathe.”
Changmin did, taking two deep breaths before returning to his explanation. “It... It was rough. Hard. Violent.”
Yunho held up a hand, pausing Changmin once again. “Wait. This was Yoochun?” he asked incredulously, a question that Changmin deemed more than appropriate.
He'd been surprised himself. “Yeah,” Changmin replied, fiddling with the sheets. “It was so... unlike him. Like he wasn't even seeing me.” He paused again, focusing on the warmth of Yunho's hand seeping through the cloth, because it was comforting in more ways than one. “He just... No matter what I said, he just kept on...”
The fact that Changmin trailed off, that he couldn't finish the sentence, spoke volumes. Changmin had seen Yunho murderous only once before, but it had been awhile. The look in Yunho's eyes had every horrifying memory returning, crystal clear. “Changmin-ah,” Yunho began, voice far lower than it had been three seconds prior. “Did he rape you?”
Changmin sniffed. He hadn't known he could cry this much in one day. “I don't know,” he murmured, shrugging exasperatedly. “I reciprocated at least seventy percent of the time. Can it be called rape then?”
Yunho nodded, shifting closer. “It can if you said no. Did you? Even once?”
Yunho most likely just wanted a reason to punch Yoochun in the face-an act that would be a bit surreal, given that it was Yunho punching Yoochun-but Changmin couldn't give it to him. He was trying, Jesus knew. “Maybe?” was the best answer he could give, and Yunho could only react to it with frustration. “I'm sorry, I just can't... remember.” And he couldn't. It was a little odd: he could remember the sex as if it had just been played back for him on the television, but he couldn't remember the blood. He couldn't remember what was said, though he remembered something being said and that he was the one to say it. But most importantly, he didn't remember the blood. God, you'd think he'd remember the pain. “I don't remember what I said to him. I don't remember him forcing himself inside-”
“For fuck's sake,” Yunho interrupted with a snort, “we aren't women. We aren't naturally lubricated.”
Changmin laughed a small but genuine laugh, eyes brightening slightly. “Yeah, straight men are stupid, aren't they?” he asked, voice weak.
Yunho returned his smile, squeezing Changmin's thigh. “Yeah,” he replied softly. “It totally sucks that they're usually the hottest guys on the market.”
Changmin nodded, sniffing. “And the girls say we get all the hot ones. What planet do they live on?”
Their banter ended there, with Yunho smiling at the maknae's efforts and the maknae wringing the sheets in his hands while contemplating Yunho's epic capability to bring him down to earth whenever he ventured too far into the rarely visited depths of his subconscious. The difference between Yunho and himself, among others, was that while Yunho wore his inferiority complex on his sleeve, Changmin did his best to hide his own away. On his good days, he even dared to deny it existed.
After all, Max didn't have a problem with his image. He only cared about food and video games. Hell, he wasn't even gay. And the fans just ate it up, unintentionally unsympathetic to his silent screams for them to love him for him. But, hey, Jaejoong had taken the role of the insecure attention whore before Changmin was old enough to realize that he was perfect for it.
Suddenly, Yunho lifted his hand from Changmin's thigh to his hands, stilling them in their attempts to strangle the sheets of his bed. “Maybe the girls get the men of our dreams six days out of the week,” he said, thumb smoothing gentle circles into the back of Changmin's hand that sent pleasant ripples down Changmin's forearm. “But sometimes we luck out. We got you, didn't we?” he asked, and Changmin's breath hitched when Yunho leaned forward to kiss his forehead.
Changmin was going to cry again. He did his best to stifle the urge, blinking back the water behind his eyes. He hesitated only momentarily before leaning forward and lowering his voice. It wasn't as if they weren't alone, but Changmin was feeling quite metaphorically castrated. “Can... Can I ask you something?” he asked, examining Yunho's reaction with stiff concentration. Yunho was used to the scrutiny, what with being Changmin's best friend for going on four years, and didn't blink an eye before nodding. Changmin relaxed, but not by much. “Just for the record, this was never asked,” he began, eyes narrowing in warning. “I... I never think this way, and it only became an issue today, because, well, Yoochun, and...” He licked his lips. “We'll never talk about this again, okay? Everything else, okay, but what I want to ask you-”
Yunho squeezed Changmin's hands again, silencing him. “Okay, Changmin-ah, I get it. Never speak of this again. Check.”
It was said amusedly, but Changmin still felt ridiculous. He dropped his eyes. “Do you think I'm ugly?”
If Yunho was expecting anything, Changmin was certain it wasn't that. Yunho was downright astounded. “What? You never-”
Changmin shook his head, snatching his hands out of Yunho's as he buried them in his hair. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, looking the picture of adolescent desolation with his long hair shadowing his features. “No, I know I don't, and I sound creepily like Jaejoong-hyung right now, but hyung, I... I feel so... lost. That maybe if I was better looking, I could... I don't know.”
Yunho moved closer, and Changmin brought his knees to his chest. “What brought this on?” he asked curiously.
Changmin generally hated jumping to conclusions, but this time around, he was already acting out of character, so what the hell. “Does you avoiding the topic translate to my assumptions being correct?” he whispered, staring at his knees.
“No!” Yunho replied, and now he was on all fours, hands on either side of Changmin's feet. Yunho rested his chin on Changmin's knee, something that Changmin found kind of cute but definitely something that he would find annoying in a partner. “You're stunning, Changmin-ah, but why-”
“There was someone else.” The reply was quiet, reluctant, and Yunho seemed to die just a little with each word. It pained Changmin, that he could make some of Yunho's signature spark fade that way. He continued, anyway. “There was a girl. He was thinking of a girl while we were-Even with the cock and the abs, he wanted me to be someone else. Someone specific.”
The words were bringing tears to Changmin's eyes and fire to Yunho's, but Changmin found that there was no need to talk Yunho down from a fight this time. The leader simply shook his head, leaned forward, and pecked Changmin on the lips. The gesture wasn't foreign to them, so Changmin wasn't caught off guard by it. “No. Changmin, you are a supremely sculpted man,” he informed the younger man. “You are one of the most handsome men I have ever met in my life. You're even pretty when you hit the light just right.”
Changmin laughed again at that, and he met Yunho halfway when the older man leaned in for another peck. His next question fell out of its own accord, brought on by the tenderness of the moment and startling them both. “Does your proposition from however many months ago still stand?”
Changmin didn't regret asking it once he realized what he'd asked, but Yunho's eyes widened. “`My proposition?'”
Changmin sniffed once more. “Yeah,” he replied. “I don't really like you like a liked Yoochun, but I... I feel...” He dropped his eyes. “Vulnerable, I guess.” He knew Yunho was understanding him the moment he met Yunho's gaze, but he went on, despite that. “He took my virginity, hyung,” he whispered. “He took it, and now I'll never have it back.”
Yunho nodded as soon as Changmin's lips fell silent, and he sat back on his heels as he pulled his shirt over his head. Changmin blushed slightly at the sight of his friend's rippling muscles. Good lord, they were really doing this. Yunho fell back onto his hands briefly before wrapping his fingers around Changmin's ankles. “I'll take it. You still have it, and I'll take it the way it's supposed to be taken.”
* This was taken from some work of literature mentioned in the sitcom Frasier. I hold no rights to these five words: the laugh of the damned. Just so you know.
*
Please comment on Part 3: Part 2
Pairing: YooMin; HoMin; YunJae
Length: One Shot
Genre: Angst; Romance; Drama
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Oh, please.
Summary: When Changmin wakes up in Yoochun's bed after the night of his confession, it is only the beginning of his troubles. Yoochun, he soon finds, is completely straight, confusing the poor maknae as to how they ended up in bed together. Not only is Yoochun straight, however, but he was also thinking of someone who was not Changmin while they were doing the deed. This information bothers Changmin a great deal, especially after he goes to Yunho for comfort--"Am I unwanted?"--and Yoochun begins to call him horrible names that he can't help but believe are true. But what takes the cake, if things weren't bad enough already, is that Changmin is beginning to remember things about that night. Things that aren't so pleasant. Aren't so consensual. Was he... Was he raped?
-Woes of the Unwanted-
Changmin woke up to an empty bed. That wasn't unusual, of course, given that he had been single for most of his life, and the two or three girlfriends he'd had were never invited to spend the night in TVXQ's apartment. His bed was open to him and him alone on most nights; Yunho was the only one of the members that he allowed to crawl under his covers at all hours of the morning, because Yunho always went to Jaejoong, and the choice to spend the night with the maknae instead of the lead singer wasn't made often. He let Yunho spoon him because Yunho only chose him when the situation was dire and Jaejoong would only make it worse.
However, that wasn't the problem. This wasn't his bed. The room was reversed, with the door on the opposite side of the room from where his own door was. The bed was also smaller, though not by a large margin, the pillows fluffier and the comforter softer. It took only a moment longer for him to recognize the alien room as Yoochun's. The bed, too.
The reality of the situation dawned on him, then, and he buried himself deeper into the covers with a tired sigh. It wasn't an astonished and regretful affair. He didn't regret what happened, and he was far from surprised. Perhaps he should have been, because it took two to wrinkle the sheets, and while Changmin had been wanting to wake up in Yoochun's bed for quite some time, Yoochun was a different story.
Changmin could remember that he confessed only because it led to the sex, but he couldn't remember much of confessing. All that he could recall was that he wasn't drunk (spending more time with Yunho meant less time at the bottle), and that he had let it slip rather willingly. He was never one to give into impulse, and with Yoochun it was no different. He had decided to tell him about his mounting affections not in the hope that they'd be returned, but in the hope that he'd be rejected. If he heard to his face that Yoochun was straight and saw no future with him, moving on would be made easier. Changmin wasn't necessarily in love with the man, but he was definitely smitten.
The sex was unexpected, but it was crystal clear in Changmin's sleep-fogged memory. Well, most of it. He could recite the beginning and the end as intricately as a writer telling a story, but the middle had chunks missing from the timeline. It wasn't a minute after Changmin had announced the words, “I kind of like you,” unblushingly over the rim of his coffee mug that Yoochun was kissing him. He had been startled but kissed back, giving as much as he was being given, and it was only when Yoochun yanked Changmin out of his seat and forced him against a wall that the maknae broke away and asked what was happening. Yoochun, however, would hear no questions.
A part of Changmin-the one that knew that laying naked in Yoochun's bed wasn't the wisest place for him to be-wondered if Yoochun would have heard any refusal, either. It was almost scary, the way the older man had handled him. So uncharacteristic.
Primal was the best definition for it; he was claiming what was his with a ferociousness that Changmin had never seen in him. Clothing had been shed the moment Yoochun's door shut and locked. Changmin was the first to be completely naked, he remembered, and Yoochun wouldn't let him touch.
Anger. There was anger, too.
Changmin blinked at the ceiling above him, lifting one of his outstretched arms into his line of sight. Bruises colored the skin of his wrist with pretty handprints. They were pretty because they were small, but they were ugly because he could remember struggling when Yoochun pinned him down. It wasn't like the books. It was Changmin's first time to be taken, and Yoochun was not gentle. At that thought, Changmin's eyes widened.
Sitting up solidified his worries: he was in pain. What a nuisance. The pain in his ass was almost unbearable, and he was hardly able to think past the agony in order to wonder just how rough Yoochun had been with him. He could remember there being some preparation, but it was quick. Minimal. Didn't they have training today?
It took some time, but Changmin was eventually able to untangle himself from Yoochun's many blankets and climb to his feet. He needed to speak with the man who had so ungraciously taken his virginity, or at least ask Yunho if he could take it easy today. Explaining why would be embarrassing, no doubt, but Yunho was going to know by the end of the day, anyway. Yunho didn't talk about his feelings, but Changmin did. He knew he'd tell his best friend about it (albeit in vague detail) as soon as they were alone.
Finding Yoochun was priority. It was very strange that he wasn't there, actually. Yoochun was a late riser, whereas Changmin was a light sleeper. Changmin should have known Yoochun's sleeping schedule-he'd spent many a morning denying that he was waiting for him at the breakfast table. The fact that Yoochun had been able to shuffle around him and leave the room without waking him was a little spectacular. Changmin made a note to congratulate him.
Now, however, he was naked. He needed a robe at the very least. Glancing around him, he took in his surroundings. His eyes lingered on Yoochun's open closet for all of two seconds before he rolled his eyes and decided against going through it. He had had sex with Yoochun, but that hardly rationalized wearing the older man's clothing. He and Yoochun needed to discuss the dynamics of their relationship-if there was a relationship, for example-before such affectionate liberties were taken. A second look at Yoochun's closet did make Changmin consider organizing it, though. Again, he let the thought go.
He settled with his own clothing. The pieces littered the floor in the exact places they'd been dropped the night before, proof that Yoochun hadn't bothered cleaning up at all. Given that Yoochun was barely even aware of his own existence when he woke up, Changmin chose to forgive him for that.
He had to wiggle into his jeans very carefully because he was all too tender, and shuffling into the hallway meant waddling into the hallway. He met Junsu first, the older man tying his shoe outside of his bedroom, and Changmin exchanged smiles with him before moving on. He only faintly heard Junsu inquire about his awkward limping. He didn't see either Yunho or Jaejoong on his way to the kitchen, which usually meant that Jaejoong was out getting coffee and Yunho was busy working out somewhere. That was comforting, because Junsu didn't interrupt private conversations unless invited to do so; when he saw Changmin talking to Yoochun with hushed tones, he'd probably step out of the apartment to wait for the others on the stairwell.
At least Yoochun was in the apartment. Considering what was to become of their pending conversation, Changmin had to be thankful that the baritone singer hadn't packed his things and disappeared from the face of the planet.
Changmin found him in the kitchen. Maybe it was only a lingering sense of lovesickness, but Changmin couldn't help a small smile when he spotted Yoochun leaning heavily over a cup of hot chocolate. “Hey,” Changmin called softly, mussing his hair. Yoochun visibly tensed at the sound of his voice, not bothering to glance behind him, and the reaction worried the maknae. It was almost enough to make him pause, but he had never been one to back down from a challenge or run away from his problems, so he merely stepped further into the kitchen, giving a nervous chuckle. “You weren't there when I woke up. Did you have something you needed to do?”
Yoochun's refusal to look at him for minutes after that should have tipped Changmin off on what was going through Yoochun's mind, but the younger man was still glowing with the thought that he'd slept with his crush. Who could blame him for that, really? Besides himself, which he would. He knew even then that he would.
“We... Changmin-ah, we need to talk.” The first sentence Yoochun spoke since falling asleep with Changmin's head against his chest. Foreboding, even ominous, but for whatever reason, the words didn't hurt. If Yoochun wanted to break up with Changmin before they even started dating, so be it.
Changmin beat him to the punch. “You don't want to take this any further?” he asked as Yoochun turned to face him finally. Yoochun grimaced, but Changmin shrugged. His smile had already faded over a minute ago, when it became more than obvious that his wishes were to go unfulfilled. He cocked his head to the side. “You want this to be a `fuck and run' type deal?”
The obscene language brought a flinch to Yoochun's features, but Changmin didn't mean it maliciously. He was only asking about the nature of Yoochun's actions. Changmin couldn't really be blamed for what happened; he'd hardly participated. Hell, he hadn't needed to. Yoochun had practically raped him. Yoochun cleared his throat. “I, um...” He ran a hand through his hair. “I think what happened last night... should be forgotten.” At that, Changmin quirked an eyebrow. “We're band mates, and if anything should happen like a fight or something, the band would split right down the middle.”
He had a point. Jaejoong would always be at Yoochun's side, Yunho was impossible to detach from Changmin's, and Junsu would gladly declare himself Switzerland and become a solo artist just so he wouldn't have to pick sides. It was a situation that Changmin, as well as Yoochun, didn't want to see arise. It was comforting, though. Not the situation, but the fact that Yoochun was only protecting the band. Changmin hadn't done anything wrong. Nothing to scare away the man of his dreams.
What a relief. “Okay,” said Changmin, licking his lips. It was a little disappointing, but understandable. “I get it. Yeah, I don't want the others fighting because of us, either.”
With all due respect, Yoochun should have let the conversation drop there. It would have saved himself a whole lot of anger and Changmin a year's worth of grief. But it continued, as all horrendous things do. “And I'm not,” Yoochun went on, looking away, and Changmin saw the first traces of forced arrogance that Yoochun had ever shown him, “like that. Like you. It's just not, you know, my thing.”
He was talking like a teenager aching for attention, but Changmin couldn't find the will within himself to find it amusing. His thing? he thought. What the hell is that supposed to mean? He nearly had to strangle himself to keep from voicing his thoughts, but since Yoochun had yet to see how proud Changmin could be, he managed to cage the impulse just in time. Instead, he took a deep breath, crossed his arms, and considered what Yoochun had actually said.
So Yoochun was straight. That was... also understandable. It took some effort, but Changmin could see how sleeping with him could be some sort of test. It was the ultimate test, at that. “Okay,” he repeated. Yoochun hadn't seemed at all put off by the penis the previous night. He had skipped over it at first, Changmin noted, but in the end, he had jerked Changmin off. He hadn't let Changmin do it himself, so it was only polite.
“I mean, yeah, I slept with you,” Yoochun continued, unintentionally digging his grave even deeper, “but it was only to check to see if I could really do this. Be in a relationship with you.” As he spoke, he kept his eyes on the tile next to Changmin's right foot. Changmin was tempted to step either forward or backward to hinder the older man's thought process. “I thought that it might be possible. I mean, you're kind of cute, but after I slept with you, I realized that you weren't what I was looking for.”
That only confused Changmin further. Yoochun had come. Inside of him. Yoochun had... jerked him off. And Yoochun had watched him. He had watched Changmin's face when he climaxed. So what did “you weren't what I was looking for” mean? Under the circumstances, what could it mean? He wasn't sexy enough? Was that it? “O-Okay,” he murmured, eyebrows furrowing.
Yoochun nodded stiffly. “And, um, I wanted to explain why I was so... er...”
“Violent?” Changmin supplied, stepping toward Yoochun, and Yoochun met his eyes for the span of a second before dropping his gaze back to where it had been before.
“Uh, yeah,” he replied with a cough. “That was... I was angry. Really angry.”
That single statement changed everything that Changmin thought he understood about this situation. His head immediately began spinning. The fact that Yoochun was angry during the rough sex made perfect sense-he had predicted it, even-but that could mean so many other things. Things that Changmin really didn't want to think about. “At... You were angry at me?” he asked, squeaking slightly.
Changmin didn't feel any despair, but apparently Yoochun could see some of it on his face, because Yoochun looked almost apologetic. Almost panicked. Almost. Only almost. “No! Not at... you, at someone else. There's this girl, and, well-”
“Wait,” Changmin whispered, eyes narrowing as the world around him cracked. Oh, now everything made sense. It made perfect, disgusting sense. “Are you saying that there was someone else? While you were fucking me so thoroughly?”
Yoochun turned beet red. “I didn't-Well, yeah, I guess, but I didn't-”
Changmin would be damned if he let Yoochun try to explain this one away. “No, you... What, did the girl reject you? Is that it?” It had to be, hadn't it? Changmin was going to be sick.
Yoochun wasn't slow. Changmin wasn't surprised in the slightest when the older man pieced together the maknae's intentions. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head. “Well, no, I mean-she has a boyfriend, but-Changmin-ah, you're assuming too many things.”
Changmin snorted. “The hell I am!” He pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to calm himself. He continued only after a minute of practiced breathing. “I was... You were only sleeping with me because you needed to fuck out your frustration?”
Yoochun looked almost angry at that, but he struggled to contain it. Smart move. Yoochun had no right to be angry at this point. None at all. “I wasn't trying to-”
“You were using me?” Changmin interrupted incredulously.
“No!” Yoochun yelled, looking horrified, and Changmin almost apologized. It was an annoying reflex. “I didn't-” Yoochun sighed. “Using is a strong word.”
Changmin scoffed. “Oh, hell no. I confessed at the most convenient time for you, didn't I? She had just started dating someone else, and you were so angry that you needed a quick fuck, and I was there all bright eyed and innocent. Does that sum it up?”
Yoochun shook his head. “No,” he replied, eyes hardening. “No, Changmin-ah. You make it sound so... so horrible,” he whispered, running a hand through his hair.
Changmin was far from amused, but he laughed anyway. “How else do you want me to describe it, hyung?” he asked, and it was then that the venom began to drop from his voice and the despondency began to creep in. “You... you were fucking me just because I was the only one willing to sleep with you last night. You were desperate, and-”
“I thought that if I slept with you,” Yoochun cut in, looking away, “that I would, I don't know, realize something. That's the way it's supposed to happen.” The only reply Changmin had to that was a confused blink, and Yoochun looked at the ceiling. “If I could like you at all, sleeping with you would have made me realize it. Like an epiphany.”
Ah, hell, Yunho had better get home quick, because Changmin was about to beat the love of his life to a bloody pulp. Yoochun's attempt at explanation could only be understood by the romantic. To the realist, however, it was utter bullshit. “Oh, fuck you,” Changmin whispered, and he barely twitched when Yoochun gaped. “That's not... oh, fuck you.” He turned away, fully intending to storm out of the room, but something pulled him back. A need to make Yoochun see, a final urge to claim for himself what would only belong to females, took hold of him, and he slapped Yoochun across the face. Yoochun brought his hand to his stinging cheek before he saw the tears in Changmin's eyes. “That's not how love works,” Changmin hissed, trying desperately to get his tears under control, but they wouldn't be blinked away. They continued to slip down his cheeks in slow, elegant drops like the single strokes of a bow on a violin string. “Love is slow. It starts with compatibility. Grows with friendship. And yeah, it smacks you in the face when you least expect it, but you can't be looking for it. You can't just expect it.” He wiped at his eyes. “Do you think I was looking for love in you? Hell, I'd think of Yunho before I'd think of you, and considering the circumstances, that's pretty damn bad.”
At this point, Yoochun tried to touch him, but even then Changmin could tell that it was a brotherly move. There was no romance behind it. Suddenly, Changmin wanted to hide away. Hide away and live as someone else until the end of time.
“I'm such an idiot,” Changmin whispered to himself, but Yoochun caught it. He caught it, and now he didn't know what to do with it. Changmin paid him little attention as he continued his monologue. “I seriously only wanted you to reject me so I could move on with my life, but instead you gave me false hope by going on some wild goose chase that I knew nothing about, and I...” He shook his head, leaning back against the dining table. “My god, I'm an idiot.” He lifted his eyes to catch Yoochun's. The older man gulped when their gazes met. “Did you know that it was my first time?”
At that, Yoochun nearly choked. “What?”
Changmin nodded. “You were my first. I was a virgin, and you took me so roughly.” He laughed again, the laugh of the damned.* “I wanted my first time to be special. Gentle, and with someone that loved me just as much as I loved him. But I guess not.”
In truth, Yoochun had nothing to say to that, and for that, Changmin was thankful. He did look confused, though. “I thought...” Yoochun began, eyebrows furrowing. “I-I just thought that-”
“If you dare say anything that would confirm that you are one of those ignorant assholes that assumes all gay men have been sexually active since they could ejaculate, I will not hesitate to hit you again,” Changmin muttered to the floor. “And I can't guarantee that I'll stop this time.” Yoochun was quick to obey the command for silence, and it was another few moments before Changmin spoke again. The tears were back, as was the anger, and there was an inner struggle as Changmin fought to keep his body from doing anything he didn't want it to. He met Yoochun's eyes once last time. “I respected you, hyung,” he told him, voice thick with pain. “I thought you were this... noble gentleman that put others before yourself. Sure, it was pretty annoying that you had such low self-respect, but you were worlds better at the self-respecting part than Yunho, so it was bearable. But then you did this, and...” He shook his head. “Did you even consider how I might feel if things turned out like this?”
Yoochun didn't know how to answer that at first, so Changmin waited. For minutes, he waited, eyes softening by the second as he took in each of Yoochun's tensed muscles and worried features. He couldn't hold back the natural urge to just forgive him. Yoochun hadn't meant any harm, had he? Of course not. He was Yoochun, for Christ's sake, the sensitive Casanova of TVXQ. He would learn from this mistake. It wouldn't happen again.
As time ticked on, it became apparent that Yoochun simply hadn't thought of Changmin's feelings, and that was almost alright. It was almost okay, and Changmin almost forgave him, and they almost became friends again. But there was a voice, a tiny little voice screaming that this was not him. This was not who he had aspired to be, and the time for forgiveness was not now. Later, but not now.
And Changmin did the only thing that he knew he'd respect later and he wouldn't regret doing. He said the words that he would have urged anyone else to say in this situation. His eyes narrowed as he glared into Yoochun's eyes, using every ounce of determination in his shaking body to ignore the tears now forming in Yoochun's eyes. Because now the beast had realized its sin. “Well, I hope you enjoyed taking my virginity, Yoochun-ah,” he said, as cool as he could pretend to be, “because you've lost whatever else you had of me before last night. My friendship included.” It was with those last three words that Yoochun's tears fell, but Changmin forced himself to turn away.
Changmin left him, then, left Yoochun standing and crying in the kitchen like he'd lost his purpose. The angry side of Changmin truly hoped he had. He hoped he was regretting the previous night just as much as Changmin was regretting confessing. The other part of him, the part that still cared for Yoochun more than a brother should have, was whispering something else, but given that over eighty percent of himself was the angry side, what little of him that cared for the older man went ignored.
He was nearly slamming his door closed when he backtracked. Unless he wanted the entire apartment to know about his exploits, he had better return to Yoochun's room and strip the sheets from Yoochun's bed so he could wash them before Jaejoong did-or else burn them before Yoochun did. Either way, Jaejoong asked too many questions, and Yunho was terrifying when angry (Changmin had seen him lose his cool once in all the years he'd known him; Yunho's notorious patience hid some serious anger-management issues).
The hinderance was annoying, but Changmin tucked his agitation behind his calm facade and retraced his steps to Yoochun's door. Upon opening it, however, he found that he was too late. Jaejoong had slipped into the apartment while Changmin was “discussing” their nightly activities with Yoochun. Now Jaejoong stood at Yoochun's bedside, sheets in his hands. He was staring at them with embarrassed confusion, eyebrows knit thoughtfully, and he only became aware of Changmin's presence when the maknae closed the door.
“Ch-Changmin-ah,” Jaejoong stuttered, fumbling momentarily as he he forgot for two seconds that Changmin was a grown man with an immense knowledge of sexual intercourse and everything that came with it. He relaxed when Changmin cocked his head to the side, but only slightly. He coughed. “Um, do you know if-”
Changmin had been staring at the sheets with mild anxiety. Oh, how fun. A round of explaining himself to the oldest was just what he needed; and explain, he would. He had no intension of glossing over Yoochun's misdeeds. If anything, he was aching to broadcast them. Jaejoong's abrupt silence brought Changmin's eyes to the older man's face, though. Jaejoong was staring at his bare chest, and it was only then that Changmin realized that he was covered from clavicle to navel in love-bites.
He was almost amazed. For a straight man, Yoochun certainly enjoyed marking him.
He cleared his throat, distracting Jaejoong and himself from the map of possession marring his skin. “Do I know if what?” he asked, fighting off the blush that was slowly rising to his cheeks.
The question startled Jaejoong into the present, and he looked away. “Uh, yeah, do you know if Yoochun had a girl over last night?”
Changmin decided to play innocent, quirking an eyebrow. “A girl?”
“Yeah, a girl,” Jaejoong repeated, opening the sheets to show Changmin what was on them. Changmin nearly left the room. There was cum, yes, and a lot of it, but what was even more shocking was the amount of blood that stained the cloth in the oddest places. Good lord, he remembered that Yoochun was rough, but he definitely didn't remember being forced into like an animal raping a virginal school girl. Maybe his mind had repressed the more painful parts of the previous night. It happened to rape victims all the time. Jaejoong's voice brought him back to the conversation. “There's... well, blood, as you can see, and other stuff, and...” He trailed off as he examined the mess, shaking his head, and he was suddenly talking to himself, forgetting briefly that Changmin was there. “But, my god, this is a lot of blood. I've been with virgins before, but damn...”
Changmin coughed, coloring in embarrassment. Jaejoong was the most sexually active of all five of them, with Yoochun and Junsu tying for second and Yunho barely coming in for third. That was, of course, because he was gay, though Changmin was the only one who knew. Yunho very rarely took women to hotel rooms, not trusting himself to manage a man well enough to get him to keep his mouth shut. Yunho might not look it, but he was a top, through and through. Sexual frustration came randomly and intensely. One time, he had even propositioned Changmin, an invitation that the maknae had found hilarious.
To think that Changmin had become another of Yoochun's conquests was just short of humiliating. “Yeah, he's kind of ignorant in certain departments,” said Changmin, shifting his weight, and Jaejoong glanced up a him in confusion. Changmin couldn't meet his gaze this time. “He failed to realize that men need a lot more preparation than women do. I mean, women make heir own lubricant, but men... don't.”
All the while that he kept talking, Jaejoong continued to stare at him, slowly piecing together what Changmin was trying to get him to realize. Once he connected the dots, however, he appeared to doubt it. Changmin could hardly blame him. Yoochun was straight, after all.
Before Jaejoong could even open his mouth, Changmin rushed to finish his rounded explanation. All he could think of was the jocks in high school, high-fiving one another after hearing that they had gotten laid the previous night. Would that be Jaejoong's reaction, assuming that he didn't give a damn about the gay half of things? Would he hurry to congratulate Yoochun on getting some ass? Because, oh, Yoochun had gotten Changmin's ass last night. At least, he had taken it. Not a drop of the blood on those sheets was Yoochun's. “It was me,” he murmured, face on fire. Jaejoong's eyes widened to their full capacity. “He took my virginity last night.”
Good god, Yoochun had deflowered him. It was a realization that nearly had Changmin loosing his footing, much like it had Jaejoong dropping the sheets in a dirty heap at his feet. They remained in their places for all of three seconds before Changmin dove for the sheets.
“I'll go wash these,” he said hoarsely, brushing a nervous strand of hair behind his ear. “I mean, it's my blood, and some of my... stuff, and I-”
He was barely on his feet again when Jaejoong interrupted. “Wait, are you and Yoochun-”
Changmin gathered the sheets to his chest, inching backwards as he did so. “No, no, of course not,” he assured him, shaking his head. “Yoochun-hyung is... is straight.” Saying it out loud was doing nothing to help his self control. He needed to leave the room as quickly as possible.
Jaejoong didn't move from where he had been standing when Changmin walked in, and he appeared to have no problem with letting Changmin leave. He was still full of questions, though, just as Changmin had expected him to be. “But you... Last night, he-”
Changmin was in the doorway now, and he shrugged with forced nonchalance. “A lapse in judgement on his part,” he replied, smiling a smile that hurt his cheeks. “It won't happen again, and-”
“So, you're okay?” Jaejoong cut in once again, finally taking a step forward. Changmin wanted to laugh at the question. He wanted to find it funny. “You and him are okay now, right?”
I'm not sure if okay is even in my vocabulary at the moment, Changmin thought, but he merely stretched his smile painfully wider. “Of course, we're okay,” he chirped, and he chose that moment to escape Jaejoong's presence. Jaejoong called something after him, but Changmin ignored it. He couldn't face Yoochun right now, and along with him came Yoochun's best friend.
It was as Yoochun had said. There was no question of who Jaejoong would choose if a choice had to be made.
*
Okay was the last word on Changmin's mind, as much as he wished that it was at its forefront. He had decided even before leaving the warmth of Yoochun's bed that he wouldn't make a big deal out of it if Yoochun didn't want to date him, but acting on the decision was proving more difficult than he'd previously anticipated.
Okay, Yoochun didn't want him. Okay, Yoochun was straight. Okay, Yoochun was only experimenting.
But was it really okay? He hadn't said anything about the sex being a trial run. He hadn't said anything at all, actually. Changmin hadn't been warned. He hadn't been prepared. Sure, while they were making out, he'd suspected that Yoochun's heart wasn't really in it, but Yoochun wasn't sweet. Yoochun wasn't uncertain in his actions. Changmin was willing to bet that Yoochun enjoyed it. He had come inside of Changmin and jacked Changmin off until he came as well.
That wasn't altogether unusual for straight men, though. Changmin knew several who had had sex with other men just for the sake of having sex, not because they were necessarily attracted to one another. Changmin could understand if that was Yoochun's mindset, but he had to admit that it was pretty shitty to take advantage of someone who is two dates away from falling in love with you. Changmin had thought that Yoochun was giving him a chance. Instead, he was only using him to settle his building frustration.
In many ways, it was similar to when Yunho had asked him for a roll in the hay. Yunho hadn't ever actually had sex with a man-and he still hadn't-and he really just wanted to hone his skills for when TVXQ was over and he could finally find a man with whom to live happily ever after. Changmin had never been a candidate for that roll, not even when Changmin had come out to him, and Changmin really couldn't be more grateful for that. He loved Yunho, he truly did, but falling in love with the man was damn near impossible. Maybe if Yunho was the last man on earth, but certainly not any time soon.
The differences between then and now were nearly as obvious as the similarities. For one, Yunho had explained to Changmin why he wanted to have sex with him before attacking him. At the time, Changmin had been terrified that Yunho liked him. He would have definitely given Yunho a chance, but he couldn't see them lasting long, and thankfully Yunho knew him well enough to recognize the panic growing in his eyes. Changmin had turned him down, though he himself was beginning to become sexually frustrated, because he didn't want Yunho to settle with having sex with a friend as his first time with a man. Changmin might have been a realist, but he still thought the magical moments were supposed to be magical.
Another thing was that Changmin would have turned Yoochun down if Yoochun explained his reasons for wanting to have sex. He would have turned Yoochun down even if Yoochun hadn't mentioned that there was someone else he liked. “Let's have sex so I can see if I like you,” wasn't at all appealing to Changmin, and he would have suggested that they go to dinner and a movie and see if they had any chemistry before taking such drastic measures.
Yoochun hadn't said anything at all, and Changmin had had no idea what he was getting himself into. Not a one. Yoochun had just... attacked him, rough from the very beginning. Anything Changmin had said fell on deaf ears, and he was completely at Yoochun's mercy until the older man had had his fill.
Changmin paused in his thinking at that moment, eyebrows furrowing. Had... he been raped?
“Changmin-ah.”
Speaking of Yunho. Changmin smiled up at the leader from where he sat on the floor, back against the wall of the dance studio where they were practicing for their upcoming album. The words of the song were still being written, but the beat and choreography were almost finished, and they had yet to learn what they needed to know by the next practice. They had been in the studio for nearly an hour now, Yoochun and Junsu both dancing their tails off with Jaejoong struggling beside them.
As soon as he had entered the room, Changmin had sat down in order to relieve some of the pain that had come from bouncing along on a bumpy road. Yunho hadn't asked why he was limping, though he soon would, and had spent the majority of the hour helping the others. That meant helping Jaejoong, mostly. Without the burden of practice, Changmin was free to observe the others to his content.
Yoochun wouldn't look at him, Changmin first noted. That was predictable, and Changmin stared because he knew Yoochun was well aware of him, even if he pretended not to be, and the longer Changmin stared, the stiffer Yoochun's movements became.
Jaejoong kept glancing in Changmin's direction. His blatant interest in Changmin's and Yoochun's drama was almost as obvious as Yoochun's determination to ignore it. It was apparent that Jaejoong hadn't discussed the matter with Yoochun yet-how could he, what with Yunho flying into the apartment the instant Changmin left Yoochun's room, panicking that they were late for five million things-but Changmin could tell that Jaejoong was about to explode with curiosity. He wasn't disgusted by what happened, which was terrific, but it seemed that he couldn't decide whether he wanted to be sympathetic to Yoochun and remain glued to his side or question Changmin about his sexuality and everything that came with being homosexual. This all led, of course, to another round of Changmin questioning whether Jaejoong was as straight as Yoochun or as straight as Yunho-or somewhere in between.
Yunho's sexuality, at least, wasn't a mystery at all, and Changmin watched him much longer than he watched the others. The others were completely oblivious to Yunho's attractions, and Changmin knew that they would have had something to say about how Yunho was touching Jaejoong if they did. Although they were the closest of friends, Yunho hadn't mentioned any serious crushes, and Changmin hadn't asked about any. It went the other way around, as well, with Yunho knowing little to nothing of Changmin's feelings for Yoochun. But Changmin was sure that he didn't need any conformations from Yunho to see this.
There was little doubt in his mind that Yunho had an enormous crush on Jaejoong. If in the odd chance that he was wrong, Yunho at least wanted to fuck the lead singer until he could barely walk, flip him over, and do it again. As Changmin was making this observation, Yunho's hands were pulling Jaejoong's hips against his own and twirling the older man with him. He was demonstrating a dance step, of course, but not even the naïve Jaejoong was completely fooled by the gesture. Changmin guessed that Yunho wasn't controlling his sexual urges as well as he thought he was (it had been nearly six months since his last one night stand), because while Jaejoong was compliant with Yunho's directions, his face turned redder with every inch of his body that came in contact with Yunho's. Particularly Yunho's crotch.
Again, Jaejoong wan't disgusted at all by it. From what Changmin could tell, Jaejoong was simply embarrassed and confused by Yunho's reaction to their close proximity. Changmin was hardly surprised by that. For all Jaejoong knew, Yunho was a straight man getting a hard on from dancing with another straight man. That would raise the eyebrows of even the most chaste men.
Now Yunho stood above him, arms crossed and eyebrows furrowed. Changmin's smile widened. “Hey, hyung,” he greeted, leaning back against the wall. “How is the dancing going?” How is your self control coming? was what was truly on his mind.
Yunho didn't catch the silent implication, so Changmin was allowed to remain amused by it. “It's going pretty well, thanks for asking,” Yunho replied dismissively, blinking. He shifted his weight to his right leg. “But I'm curious as to why you're here and not on the dance floor.”
Changmin's eyes widened. Oh, that was right. He hadn't asked Yunho for the day off, not having the chance to speak to him privately. Changmin had also been more than distracted by Jaejoong's shock at realizing Changmin's sexuality to think properly. He hadn't wasted one second considering the possibility that Jaejoong would stop loving him. It wasn't in Jaejoong's list of capabilities to stop loving anyone as close to him as Changmin was. But Jaejoong's reaction was daunting at best.
Yunho fell to his haunches, startling Changmin out of his thoughts, and for the longest three moments of Changmin's life, Yunho studied his face, his eyes in particular. It came to the point where Changmin smacked the leader's arm, because he was beginning to be severely bothered by the attention. Yunho swayed on his heels but remained upright, wincing.
“What the hell are you-” Changmin began, but Yunho cut through his words as if he'd never opened his mouth.
“What happened?” Yunho asked, voice a low base that Changmin easily deemed unrecognizable by canines and the other three men in the room. When Changmin simply stared at him, Yunho elaborated. “You were limping earlier, but you didn't say anything. You would have if you just hurt yourself.”
That only had Changmin hitting him again, and unlike the first time, this hit had Yunho losing his balance. “Stop it, you psychic freak,” he whispered, glancing cautiously over Yunho's shoulder to catch Jaejoong's eyes. The raven paused in his conversation with Junsu at the eye contact, smile slipping from his face like it had only been pasted there, and his eyes dropped to the back of Yunho's head for the quickest moment of realization Changmin had ever seen.
Ah, Jesus Christ. Jaejoong might have been an airhead, but he was sure connecting the dots rather quickly. Changmin was gay; Yunho was his best friend; Yunho was hard enough to cut glass. It was inevitable that he'd come to the wrong conclusion.
Yunho continued after resting himself on his knees, either not noticing or not bothering with Jaejoong's gaze on him. Changmin's problems, whatever they were, were far more important to Yunho than his sizable feelings for the lead singer. “What is it?” he whispered, eyes filling with concern. At Changmin's hesitation, he placed a hand on Changmin's knee. “What?”
“I...” Changmin replied, licking his lips. He lifted his eyes to meet Yunho's. “I had sex last night.”
Yunho blinked. “With a man?” he guessed.
“I can barely walk,” Changmin reminded him. “What do you think?”
Yunho's smile was so radiant, Changmin was forced to roll his eyes. “That's great,” Yunho told him, bouncing on his knees. “How was it? Who was it?” He was excited, which Changmin found partly amusing and partly confusing given that Yunho was an exclusive top. It could easily be explained away with Yunho wanting to know the proper way to treat his bottom, but Changmin was all too distraught to think that far.
He merely shook his head, cutting off Yunho's blinding enthusiasm. “Don't congratulate me,” he whispered, suddenly needing to cry, and he cursed himself inwardly. Fuck, he'd slept with Yoochun, but he had been unaware that “crybaby” was a sexually transmitted disease. Yunho saw the despair, saw that Changmin was only just proud enough to keep from crying out for help, and his other hand squeezed Changmin's other knee. Changmin knew that not only Jaejoong was misinterpreting the situation, but Yoochun as well. He could see the baritone singer out of the corner of his eye, watching them with hardening eyes.
Served him right, the straight bastard.
“Changmin-ah?” Yunho called, leaning into Changmin's personal space in an attempt to catch the maknae's eyes. The attempt was successful, and Changmin let him lean closer to examine his face. “You look exhausted. What happened? Were you hurt?”
Changmin laughed humorlessly, eyes flicking up to meet Jaejoong's momentarily before snapping back to Yunho's. “Jaejoong saw the blood.”
Yunho immediately tensed, but whether it was at Jaejoong's name or the word blood wasn't clear. Either way, he shifted even closer, and if Changmin spread his legs a little further, they would be reenacting exactly what he had been doing twelve hours ago. The thought made him blush. “`The blood?'” Yunho parroted.
Changmin nodded. “On the sheets. Jaejoong saw them,” he whispered.
At that, Yunho glanced behind them, catching Jaejoong off guard, and the raven instantly continued his conversation with a bewildered Junsu. Yunho didn't dwell on the fact that Jaejoong had been watching them. He didn't even seem to realize it. “He saw it?” Yunho asked, turning back to Changmin. “Jaejoong did?”
Changmin nodded again, eyes welling with tears again, because wow, he had never known that coming out could be this terrifying. “Yeah, he saw it, and... Yunho, it was so much blood. I can hardly believe that it was all mine.”
Yunho's eyebrows furrowed. “What idiot doesn't know that you can't just slip into a guy without some preparation? And a virgin, at that?”
Changmin dropped his eyes. Oh god, this was embarrassing, and this was only Yunho. “Well, he...” He trailed off for a few moments before coughing. “He didn't know.”
Now Yunho looked even more confused, something that Changmin wasn't really surprised by in the least. “You didn't tell him?” he asked, leaning closer in his incredulity. He wasn't distracted when his and Changmin's foreheads touched, though it startled Changmin into a blush (of embarrassment, only; there were no secret desires here). “Changmin-ah, what were you thinking?” he hissed, but that was as far as the conversation went.
Jaejoong, from all that Changmin could understand in the short time it took to get Yunho from his lap to stumbling back onto the dance floor, was apparently more affected by Changmin's sexuality and Yunho's aroused state than Changmin had originally calculated. The older man was the one who interrupted them. Changmin had been waiting for Yoochun to step in, either in a fit of anxious uncertainty that Changmin would tell Yunho what had transpired between them, or in a bout of lingering possessiveness that came with a serial monogamist having sex with someone else. (Love, for the most part, didn't see gender; jealousy was something that came whether there was attraction or not.)
So, Changmin was almost as surprised as Yunho when the lead singer moved forward with a sudden boost of testosterone, grabbed the nape of Yunho's shirt, and yanked the man to his feet. Yunho stumbled into his attacker but caught Jaejoong before he could loose his footing and raised a questioning eyebrow as he waited for an explanation. Jaejoong failed to provide one for all of three seconds-within which he appeared absolutely stunned at his own actions-before he began to babble in a way that only Jaejoong could.
“I have no idea how to do this move, and you're supposed to be helping me,” he scolded, glaring, and Yunho blinked. “Stop wasting time. I can't go on until I get this.”
Yunho, god bless him, was extremely lucky that Jaejoong wasn't ready for anything as serious as admitting his feelings, because any hint at jealousy or adoration went right over his head. He simply looked back at Changmin with affectionate concern, biting his lip. Changmin was glad to announce, however, that Yunho's erection had completely disappeared. He was glad, of course, because he was now eye level with Yunho's crotch, and while he might let Yunho fuck him once or twice, they were not that type of friends. “But,” the leader argued, gesturing in Changmin's general direction, “Changmin is-”
That had Jaejoong thinking clearly, finally, but when he glanced at Changmin as if remembering for the first time that the maknae had been fucked within an inch of his life the previous night, Changmin rushed to wave Yunho away. “Tonight,” he said, nodding when Yunho met his eyes. “I'll come to your room tonight.”
He meant “to talk,” but it wasn't at all extraordinary when the tense silence was sliced through by the clattering of a CD case on the wooden floor, dropped by Yoochun. Jaejoong's darkened gaze was a definite sign that he was reading further into it, as well, but neither Yunho nor Changmin thought to correct them, nor did they care to.
Maybe they should have. Again, so much could have been spared.
*
Changmin did come to Yunho's room that night, and the first three words of their conversation were said before Changmin was even invited inside. “It was Yoochun,” he whispered, dried tears leaving shining stripes on his cheeks.
Yunho moved aside the instant the words processed, opening his door as wide as it could go to let an exhausted Changmin shuffle into the room (his limping had subsided sometime around lunch). It appeared that Yunho had been waiting for him; the room was clean, the bed arranged with the blankets and pillows in the precise positions Changmin preferred them. Yunho didn't say anything, knowing that Changmin needed no encouragement at this point, and led Changmin to the bed.
Changmin wasted no time, crawling under the covers and resting against the headboard. “I don't know how it happened, it just... I confessed. I told him that I liked him, and then he was kissing me, then he was undressing me, and-”
“Shh...” Yunho soothed, sitting on the edge of the mattress. He rubbed Changmin's leg through the covers. “Slow down, Changmin-ah. Breathe.”
Changmin did, taking two deep breaths before returning to his explanation. “It... It was rough. Hard. Violent.”
Yunho held up a hand, pausing Changmin once again. “Wait. This was Yoochun?” he asked incredulously, a question that Changmin deemed more than appropriate.
He'd been surprised himself. “Yeah,” Changmin replied, fiddling with the sheets. “It was so... unlike him. Like he wasn't even seeing me.” He paused again, focusing on the warmth of Yunho's hand seeping through the cloth, because it was comforting in more ways than one. “He just... No matter what I said, he just kept on...”
The fact that Changmin trailed off, that he couldn't finish the sentence, spoke volumes. Changmin had seen Yunho murderous only once before, but it had been awhile. The look in Yunho's eyes had every horrifying memory returning, crystal clear. “Changmin-ah,” Yunho began, voice far lower than it had been three seconds prior. “Did he rape you?”
Changmin sniffed. He hadn't known he could cry this much in one day. “I don't know,” he murmured, shrugging exasperatedly. “I reciprocated at least seventy percent of the time. Can it be called rape then?”
Yunho nodded, shifting closer. “It can if you said no. Did you? Even once?”
Yunho most likely just wanted a reason to punch Yoochun in the face-an act that would be a bit surreal, given that it was Yunho punching Yoochun-but Changmin couldn't give it to him. He was trying, Jesus knew. “Maybe?” was the best answer he could give, and Yunho could only react to it with frustration. “I'm sorry, I just can't... remember.” And he couldn't. It was a little odd: he could remember the sex as if it had just been played back for him on the television, but he couldn't remember the blood. He couldn't remember what was said, though he remembered something being said and that he was the one to say it. But most importantly, he didn't remember the blood. God, you'd think he'd remember the pain. “I don't remember what I said to him. I don't remember him forcing himself inside-”
“For fuck's sake,” Yunho interrupted with a snort, “we aren't women. We aren't naturally lubricated.”
Changmin laughed a small but genuine laugh, eyes brightening slightly. “Yeah, straight men are stupid, aren't they?” he asked, voice weak.
Yunho returned his smile, squeezing Changmin's thigh. “Yeah,” he replied softly. “It totally sucks that they're usually the hottest guys on the market.”
Changmin nodded, sniffing. “And the girls say we get all the hot ones. What planet do they live on?”
Their banter ended there, with Yunho smiling at the maknae's efforts and the maknae wringing the sheets in his hands while contemplating Yunho's epic capability to bring him down to earth whenever he ventured too far into the rarely visited depths of his subconscious. The difference between Yunho and himself, among others, was that while Yunho wore his inferiority complex on his sleeve, Changmin did his best to hide his own away. On his good days, he even dared to deny it existed.
After all, Max didn't have a problem with his image. He only cared about food and video games. Hell, he wasn't even gay. And the fans just ate it up, unintentionally unsympathetic to his silent screams for them to love him for him. But, hey, Jaejoong had taken the role of the insecure attention whore before Changmin was old enough to realize that he was perfect for it.
Suddenly, Yunho lifted his hand from Changmin's thigh to his hands, stilling them in their attempts to strangle the sheets of his bed. “Maybe the girls get the men of our dreams six days out of the week,” he said, thumb smoothing gentle circles into the back of Changmin's hand that sent pleasant ripples down Changmin's forearm. “But sometimes we luck out. We got you, didn't we?” he asked, and Changmin's breath hitched when Yunho leaned forward to kiss his forehead.
Changmin was going to cry again. He did his best to stifle the urge, blinking back the water behind his eyes. He hesitated only momentarily before leaning forward and lowering his voice. It wasn't as if they weren't alone, but Changmin was feeling quite metaphorically castrated. “Can... Can I ask you something?” he asked, examining Yunho's reaction with stiff concentration. Yunho was used to the scrutiny, what with being Changmin's best friend for going on four years, and didn't blink an eye before nodding. Changmin relaxed, but not by much. “Just for the record, this was never asked,” he began, eyes narrowing in warning. “I... I never think this way, and it only became an issue today, because, well, Yoochun, and...” He licked his lips. “We'll never talk about this again, okay? Everything else, okay, but what I want to ask you-”
Yunho squeezed Changmin's hands again, silencing him. “Okay, Changmin-ah, I get it. Never speak of this again. Check.”
It was said amusedly, but Changmin still felt ridiculous. He dropped his eyes. “Do you think I'm ugly?”
If Yunho was expecting anything, Changmin was certain it wasn't that. Yunho was downright astounded. “What? You never-”
Changmin shook his head, snatching his hands out of Yunho's as he buried them in his hair. He closed his eyes and lowered his head, looking the picture of adolescent desolation with his long hair shadowing his features. “No, I know I don't, and I sound creepily like Jaejoong-hyung right now, but hyung, I... I feel so... lost. That maybe if I was better looking, I could... I don't know.”
Yunho moved closer, and Changmin brought his knees to his chest. “What brought this on?” he asked curiously.
Changmin generally hated jumping to conclusions, but this time around, he was already acting out of character, so what the hell. “Does you avoiding the topic translate to my assumptions being correct?” he whispered, staring at his knees.
“No!” Yunho replied, and now he was on all fours, hands on either side of Changmin's feet. Yunho rested his chin on Changmin's knee, something that Changmin found kind of cute but definitely something that he would find annoying in a partner. “You're stunning, Changmin-ah, but why-”
“There was someone else.” The reply was quiet, reluctant, and Yunho seemed to die just a little with each word. It pained Changmin, that he could make some of Yunho's signature spark fade that way. He continued, anyway. “There was a girl. He was thinking of a girl while we were-Even with the cock and the abs, he wanted me to be someone else. Someone specific.”
The words were bringing tears to Changmin's eyes and fire to Yunho's, but Changmin found that there was no need to talk Yunho down from a fight this time. The leader simply shook his head, leaned forward, and pecked Changmin on the lips. The gesture wasn't foreign to them, so Changmin wasn't caught off guard by it. “No. Changmin, you are a supremely sculpted man,” he informed the younger man. “You are one of the most handsome men I have ever met in my life. You're even pretty when you hit the light just right.”
Changmin laughed again at that, and he met Yunho halfway when the older man leaned in for another peck. His next question fell out of its own accord, brought on by the tenderness of the moment and startling them both. “Does your proposition from however many months ago still stand?”
Changmin didn't regret asking it once he realized what he'd asked, but Yunho's eyes widened. “`My proposition?'”
Changmin sniffed once more. “Yeah,” he replied. “I don't really like you like a liked Yoochun, but I... I feel...” He dropped his eyes. “Vulnerable, I guess.” He knew Yunho was understanding him the moment he met Yunho's gaze, but he went on, despite that. “He took my virginity, hyung,” he whispered. “He took it, and now I'll never have it back.”
Yunho nodded as soon as Changmin's lips fell silent, and he sat back on his heels as he pulled his shirt over his head. Changmin blushed slightly at the sight of his friend's rippling muscles. Good lord, they were really doing this. Yunho fell back onto his hands briefly before wrapping his fingers around Changmin's ankles. “I'll take it. You still have it, and I'll take it the way it's supposed to be taken.”
* This was taken from some work of literature mentioned in the sitcom Frasier. I hold no rights to these five words: the laugh of the damned. Just so you know.
*
Please comment on Part 3: Part 2