(no subject)
Lately, I haven't been in the mood to really hang out with people at all. This is mostly because whenever I try to shift the topic to something mutual (i.e. bands we like, school questions, life, how have you been?, etc), they basically just ~look~ at me like "oh it's that awkward girl. she needs to like, gtfo. and leave.", and so I feel disgusted and awkward and I just want to go off somewhere and cry myself into a panic attack (but apparently, that makes me an attention whore from past experiences). However, I try to tell people this and their exact reaction is just "suck it up and deal with it/hang out with us on Saturday/whatever". That, or I just...don't want to hang out o_o -can't explain it otherwise-. I don't hate them, I just don't want to be around them. Or, as it has been, I've been getting sick (something that NEVER happens); and I don't want to make other people sick. that's rude. ;-;
Suck it up? It's NOT that easy. I go through periods of time where I don't want to be around or with ANYONE at all. As in if I'm with someone, I will snap at them and prettymuch downgrade them and or flaunt the fact that "yes, I DO have to be better than you". The last time I checked, people didn't like that and I don't want to project my bitchy image even further than it's already been shown. In fact, the only people I can even bother to be around irl would probably be my friend Connor/his band, and I'm not even sure why. maybe it's because I don't feel pressured, and they understand that "oh you have RL shit oh man, are you okay?" if I decline something.
I'll put it this way: I saw my best friend for the first time in almost two months (last time was seeing Wonder Girls with her), and at the end of everything (seeing Inception, getting ice-cream), I felt such a huge gap between us it wasn't even funny. Where the fuck did the six years go between us, again? Oh, right, it died when she let some girl who hates my guts move in with her and her boyfriend because said girl threw a temper tantrum about how she hated college and hated Yakima and blah blah blah lip service. And a bit of it died before when she randomly moved out with her boyfriend (ofc taking his word over that of her mom's, as I later found out from her brother).
tl;dr: I can't handle real life. I can't do this shit. I just want to go to college and make myself happy, and then eventually move away somewhere and start over. No, I'm not being irrational or crazy as most would immediately say, I'm not happy in Washington anymore. The only thing I will miss is Seattle, because of all the delicious vegetarian pho dishes & Uwajimaya & Sushi Land & Westlake & Gameworks. But I can always come back to visit.
...
Maybe.
Is it September 4th yet? I could really use a pick-me-up.