on rainy days
"no matter what I do to improve myself, I don't think I will ever be entirely happy. I should be happy now."
and it's right. they're right. i should be happy now. i should be happy because i have absolutely nothing in life to be unhappy about. i just suddenly feel tired all the time, despite having slept well. maybe it's because i started going out more and i want to get out of my 'shell' that's on me. and maybe i should go back to school and be a psychologist, and not a chef like i wanted to be. maybe i should put myself through years of schooling and never land a job because of how finicky everything is.
i shouldn't be depressed at all, but i feel really sad. not depressive or anything, just.....sad. kind of empty. i'm upset for no reason. it's hard for me to cry unless i'm upset or over emotional, but when i cry it hurts. like i shouldn't even be crying. i have nothing to be upset about, so why can't i be happy?
in other news, i realized how terrified i am to buy jewelry for my girlfriend. what if it offends her because it's not as expensive as she's used to? what if she's allergic to it? what if she doesn't want to wear it because people will ask questions? people will say "oh she'll love it because it's from your heart, but not if they've been raised in a country where extravagant weddings and planning and prep is the norm. it's sort of like, looking forward to a huge thanksgiving feast and then finding out you have to go to mcdonalds. and part of it makes me so sad, because she's really the only one i've actually thought about buying a ring or necklace for. part of me is telling myself "you should just get used to this feeling". and part of me is terrified. and some leftover part is telling me how i can never be the one that's a fresh, new leaf.
i'm not sure which part hurts the most.