(no subject)
i feel guilty for all the grief i caused people. i feel terribly guilty for the grief i caused people. but i can't...stop. i can't stop feeling guilty or causing grief for people. and sometimes i wonder, when can i put myself first and stop making others happy? when can i stop worrying about others and start focusing on myself?
maybe it's cabin fever? i haven't gone anywhere in three weeks. i tried to go outside once. it was scary, so i went back inside and went to bed. i sleep, a lot but not enough. i eat, a lot but not enough. never enough. i cry, sometimes too much but sometimes not enough. there's a funny balance.
maybe i'm losing ability to function as a human? the most i spoke was today. i talked to one of the ladies down in our apartment's office about a package. i talked to a neighbour. i talked to my salonist when i got a pedicure in a rare impulse moment. and it was scary. i forgot how much i really don't like talking.
maybe i'm terrified now in life? i've postponed my SAT test six times already. because i keep telling myself, 'why spend the money and not eat for several months when you can't even pass it, when you can't pass basic classes? why spend money if you're not going to try in college?' and that voice is right. i'd...only be going to try to do something with my life? because it's what i think i want? i can't explain it. i was happier working than i have been, but i can't...tell myself things'll be okay and perfect to get out of the house.
maybe i have problems letting things go? maybe i regret too much about important things, and don't see important things as regrettable? maybe i still hold onto the delusional hope that i can see my first girlfriend again and we'll be back together and happy? maybe i still love her and i can't let that go? no. i need to accept and face the fact she's gone, that that chapter of my life is over. has been over.
i worry too much about other people. i broke up with my girlfriend today. and i'm still worried if she'll be okay, because she's just so busy right now. but because she's busy, i didn't feel right being demanding and wanting to paw at her or smile or text her even though it'd cost me money (hahaha. i remember racking up $150 texting her...ah. ♥) or just have a deep talk that she couldn't do. and like...i know i'll be okay. i know i'll recover and i have people to talk to. but i wonder if she'll be okay, if she can find someone to make her happ(ierthanidid)y. and then i start to wonder if i made her happy. or what someone did differently than me. or how someone could hold her and kiss her and i get frustrated/angry because i couldn't do that.
i really don't know. there's nothing wrong going on in my life right now. i mean we're okay financially. i think. my mom might lose her job soon, but we'll be okay, i think? sometimes i just...crumble. and i don't know what to do. and i don't know how to ask for help. but i really genuinely want help. i want to feel better. i want to leave my house. i want to go back to work and or to college. i want to. i don't feel i have to, but i want to. but i don't know where to start, and i need help.
i don't know how to ask for help. and i don't know how to explain it to people other than i am sad please help me. i feel like i'm seven again and trying to figure out how the other side of the world works. like...i feel that because i have nice things in my life (parent who loves me, parent who tries the best he can, a roof), that i don't...deserve to be sad. or maybe i do deserve to be sad for having a good life. i don't know.
i'm tired. i want to sleep.