(no subject)
it's really funny looking back and realizing how much medicine and chances can really turn a life around.
i started a regiment of seroquel? which in layman's terms, is an antipsychotic often used in the treatment of bipolar disorder or people with schizophrenic tendencies. it's
basically to make sure i don't launch myself off a building or push anyone in front of the buses/light rail
it helps a lot. i've noticed my anxiety drop down to almost nothing, and i enjoy doing things. the downside is it knocks me the fuck out after wiring me out for a while, so... i take it at night instead of during the day. go figure, it's 200mg.
but the major downside of it is i get very annoyed, very fast/quickly. i'm also prone to moodswings and rare panic attacks over small things. and it frustrates me when i have to explain to the same person that "i'm having a moodswing. i don't realize what i'm saying is bitchy to you, why are you taking it seriously."
i started a new job. i work in an adult video store. i make decent bank; paychecks every two weeks totaling around $600 per twoish checks. and in the summer, i'll be making more because of more hours.
after breaking up with my girlfriend back in ... december? i swore off love/relationships. forever. and then i fell back in love with a wonderful girl named hannah, aka @junghee on twitter. it turned from a qt 'i like you' crush into we're in a serious relationship, despite all the factors in our lives. at first, i didn't want to be, but now i realize how amazing it really is. when we came out to twitter, officially (something my ex and i never did), nobody cared.
nobody cared when i left twitter to my new account. nobody cared that i stopped tweeting on @jungheeyah.
and it was then that i realized...perhaps nobody cared about me in the first place. perhaps "tlist" (hah, is it really a family when you hadn't felt loved for months? because of korean groups?) stopped caring about me as a whole?
it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. sometimes being drugged with selective empathy disorder is a blessing. you learn to stop caring about most people, and only care about certain ones. you learn to realize that most stuff in life is small. but you don't know how to grasp some things, and it leaves you socially awkward sometimes.
it's also tiring answering the questions of how do you feel today? i don't know how i feel today, i just. exist. sometimes i'm in a happy mood. and sometimes i have to stop myself from stepping in front of a train or someone pulls me back by my collar or purse. sometimes i'm frustrated with work and the internet. sometimes i'm insecure and i hate the fact i'm irrelevant in ficdom. sometimes i genuinely feel okay and that's all i want to talk about.
and then sometimes i go on long tangents about everything and nothing, and explain how i view the world around me. sometimes i can't look at people directly, i have to stare briefly past them and unfocus my eyes. hence why i hate the question of "how are you feeling today".
existing, i usually say. i'm existing today.