(no subject)
when i look back, even to last month. i see people i'm no longer friends with; either a mutual choice between the both of us or suddenly noticing "...wait a minute what just happened?"
then i start to wonder: did they leave because they changed, and we just don't click anymore? or did i change and offend them, so they want to stop associating with me? if it's the latter, i really don't blame them. i act really bitchy and haughty to cope with things in my life. it's just for my own selfish protection, so i understand.
it's also still hard, especially in the whole ... support department. when we first came out to twitter, we ... had absolutely no support. backlash after backlash. rumor after rumor spread about us. people being completely disgusted with me because i was being myself. because i chose to date someone and change both of our lives. disgusted because people would rather believe what they're told, instead of figuring things out for themselves.
it's still like that, i think. we have a few more people supportive of us, but as a whole...no. then another couple announces they're dating. and they get support, because of their status on twitter/in fandom. they get support because "they're so perfect and meant to be together omgggg"; because they happen to be big names in fandom. they have people supporting them and always cheering them up when one talks about eating disorders or something equally triggering. they're the ones that everyone always rushes to to...cater to their world. and it's fascinating to watch, really, but it's kind of sad at the same time.
it's stupid. what makes their love different from mine and my girlfriend's? oh, right, because it's me she chose to date. because it's me she chose to take a chance on. because it's me that captured her heart. because i'm just some nobody who apparently isn't "good enough" in fandom/friend status for someone like hannah. let's ignore the fact that she's happy and turned her life around for the better, because i'm someone who's a horrible, mean, rotten evil person who "ruins lives" and therefore deserves to be shunned.
it's emotionally draining. everything is. i guess it's really too much to just ask for "even if you don't like me, at least pretend to be happy for us". i guess i give people too much credit, or just ask a little too much of them. i don't want to hate people, because that means staying very bitter for the rest of my life and never associating with anyone, but i really don't know what to do.