Purple 5/5 (Part 2/5)
Title: Purple
Pairing: SasuNaru
Rating: NC17
Chapter Rating: NC17
Warnings: Sexual themes, language
Summary: It's hard learning how to save peoples lives when you're so busy trying to save your own.
Naruto, for the life of him, couldn’t figure out why it had him so upset. Oddly enough, he wasn’t really thinking about his foreign friend at the moment. He wasn’t even thinking about last Friday, like his thoughts had been leading him to do lately. He was thinking of his classmates, and the last conversation he’d had with any of them. Any of them but Sasuke. He couldn’t think of a single one. The weight suddenly disappeared from his stomach; he felt like he had no stomach at all. His eyes were burning, and he didn’t know why, only that the roof was large and empty with two people, but with only one it would be--
“Are you crying?” a confused voice asked. Naruto’s thought process stuttered to a halt, and he knew that he had to leave.
“Thanks for the soda. There’s your homework. I’ll see you--” No I won’t. “Bye.” Short, simple, and quick as a bullet. He barely even felt it as every organ in his body died simultaneously and damnit it all, I don’t know why.
Naruto didn’t know that he’d already turned until he felt Sasuke’s hand, larger than his own, gripping his elbow tightly, pulling it back towards him.
“Hey, man, ever hear of personal space?” Naruto tried to push as much juvenile rudeness into his voice as possible, but it didn’t seem to faze Sasuke at all. In fact, it had the complete opposite of the desired result. Instead of freeing Naruto, he used his free hand to grasp the folder of papers and send them flying across the room, the papers flying and fluttering like the amputated wings of birds.
“Hey!” was Naruto‘s knee-jerk reaction, and a moment later had shoved Sasuke back a foot with his forearm, his arm falling free from Sasuke‘s tight grip. This was it. This was the perfect solution, the perfect excuse not to talk. For even though Sasuke could barely speak in proper English, he, Naruto, was far worse off when it came to a battle of words. His fists clenched before he struck one arm, pointing to hid fallen shoulder bag. “Go and get those.”
Sasuke just stared at him, unfazed by the push or the order. “No. I don’t need those papers.”
“I don‘t give a shit about what you need,” Naruto snarled. “I brought them all the way here so your lazy ass didn‘t have to go and get them from school. You could at least look at them.”
“No,” Sasuke repeated. “I not return to school. I don’t need the homework.”
Naruto worried the inside of his cheek with his canines for a short moment, and then he huffed, shoving his fists into his pockets. As suddenly as it had come, the fight had gone out of him, and all he wanted was to leave.
Who’s the last person I’ve talked to besides him?
Let Sasuke go. Let him leave, to a completely different time zone, at that. Let him go.
Let him go?
Naruto was fine before him. He’d be fine after him. Like a storm, Sasuke had come without any introduction, any warning, and he’d leave just as fast with only a field of wreckage and carnage as proof of his existence.
Let him go?
“Whatever,” Naruto muttered. He kept his voice low, afraid that it would crack. “Do whatever the fuck you want. I’m out.”
Naruto once again attempted to move past the older Asian teen. He shied away from Sasuke, trying to keep a distance between them. It didn’t make a difference. This time, however, instead of holding onto his arm, Sasuke snaked an arm across Naruto’s abdomen--I feel his fingers, should you be able to feel that through two shirts--and encircled his waist. Naruto jerked his body backwards and ended up pressing himself into the divider that separated the kitchen from the rest of the house.
“Stop touching me!” Naruto snapped. “What the fuck is your problem?”
Sasuke eyes narrowed. Unperturbed, or a very good actor, he stepped closer. Naruto didn’t try to avoid him this time. He was too scared to see if Sasuke would chase him, and the implications that would be behind it. “What yours?”
“You’re my problem,” Naruto deadpanned. “Move.”
“No. I upset you.”
“You didn’t. I don’t get upset.”
When Sasuke rose an eyebrow, Naruto amended, “Not over you.” He straightened himself up. Sasuke and he were less than a foot apart, and the shorter the distance became, the miniscule shifts Sasuke made by shuffling his weight from foot to foot, shortening the distance even further in a subtle manner, the harder and faster Naruto’s heart beat in his chest. “Can I go now?”
“No.” Sasuke took a step closer, and Naruto’s head cracked against the wall as he jolted backwards, flattening himself and wishing the barrier to swallow him whole. He recognized this position. The cool plaster felt, for a moment, like the thin, freezing metal of a locker door. The stagnant air smelled like body odor and chlorine. In both situations, they were alone. Just as they were now. Just like they were then. Sasuke’s arm propped itself he wall by Naruto’s head, and he could smell the older boy’s breath.
Like smoke.
“Does it matter for you?” Sasuke hissed. “That I’m gone tomorrow?”
Naruto didn’t even hesitate in saying, “Good riddance,” because, really, what else could he say? ‘Yes’? ‘No’? The first would be unbelievable. The second would sound a lie.
Sasuke stared at him with the first dumb expression ever to be witnessed on his noble face. Then it slid to disapproval, with a small trace of disappointment. Then understanding, and finally, the smug look that Naruto knew so well slid right back over his face like the pointer of a compass to North. It was a surprise to him that he’d very nearly missed this. He hadn’t seen it, not really, for days.
And then, to Naruto‘s surprise, Sasuke began to laugh. It wasn’t a happy sound, nor was it a full-blown laugh. It was a self-depreciating laugher that made Naruto feel like scum for having caused that sound.
Make it stop.
The laughter grew louder, more hysteric, and Naruto recalled the laughter of villains in all the movies he loved to watch. It sounded like Sasuke was slowly building up to that, and as much as he’d love to have reason to hate Sasuke, as much as he’d love to label him the Joker to his Batman, hearing that Sasuke reached, even for a moment, the pinnacle of dark insanity was too much to bear.
His hand had clenched into a fist before he couldn’t even register what it was he was dong. By the time he realized what he was about to do, his fist had already snapped into Sasuke’s cheek.
Sasuke stumbled back several steps, and Naruto was pleased to see that he’d stop laughing. His head was bent, as he wiped the back of his hand against his lip, and then pulled it away to inspect the smear as if he’d never seen blood before. Blatant shock was mirrored in every one of his actions, and yet when he looked up, his gaze was settled and calm as he said, “You hit me.”
“You deserved it. Don’t laugh at me, retard. People are gonna think you’re a psycho… “
“Hn,” he mutter blankly. “Is that what you think me for? That I‘m insanity?”
The automatic ‘yes’ caught in his throat as, upon closer inspection, Naruto noticed something slightly off in Sasuke’s expression. Despite the slightly hysteric look that remained in his black eyes, Naruto couldn’t bring himself to insult him. He was sure he didn’t look too put together himself. Everyone cracked. Unfortunately, Sasuke was choosing now to do so.
Sasuke spit a glob of blood at the ground by Naruto’s feet, and the sympathetic path his mind had begun to consider crippled beneath his feet. He couldn’t tell how he felt, only that he didn’t like it.
“I was going to tell you.”
Slightly shaken from the abrupt change in subject, Naruto asked, “Tell me what?”
Sasuke shook his head slightly, muttering something in rapid Japanese under his breath. Before Naruto could ask him to translate, Sasuke plowed on, “That I’m leaving. I was to tell you.”
“Well, you’re telling me now,” Naruto muttered. He was slowly inching himself away from the divider. When Sasuke had stumbled back, he’d ended up near the opposite wall, giving Naruto a bit more room to maneuver.
Sasuke was losing his understanding look and raised a curious eyebrow, frowning slightly now in confusion. He didn’t understand, but to be fair, neither did Naruto.
Clearing his throat, the blond forced out, “I don‘t really care… that you‘re leaving.”
“You‘re lying,” Sasuke hissed, although a trace of doubt laced his words like arsenic.
“No, I‘m not,” Naruto cut in. “I have no reason to. All we do at school is beat the shit out of each other and talk about how much we hated everyone else. Why would I waste time missing you?” Naruto knew how he’d feel if these kinds of things were said to him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care very much at this point. He wanted to leave before he did more damage that would prevent him from forgetting. Prevent him from leaving. “I have other friends, you know.” Even though he didn’t. “If you don’t have anything else retarded to say, I’m leaving.” He took a deliberate step forward, but paused in the action of taking a second.
Anger.
Fuck, he’d never seen anyone look so angry before.
Sasuke hissed something in Japanese through gritted teeth, and it reminded Naruto strongly of a cobra’s hiss he’d heard before while watching Animal Planet. Then the snake had struck the guy who’d been dangling him from his arm with bared fangs. And as entertaining as it was then, that certainly did not apply now. His feet spread apart slightly, ready for a fight if need be, Naruto asked, “What did you think I was here for, huh?” As soon as the words left Naruto’s lips, the snake struck, and a memory arose in his mind and sunk in like a quick and fatal poison, his heart contracting in pain and surprise.
“Hey, you don’t have gym this period.” Naruto slid his shirt up and over his head before throwing it messily into a pile in his locker. “What’s up? Someone bothering you again?”
Sasuke’s hand gripped his forearm just as he was about to shed his gym shorts. “Naruto?”
“What?”
“I--”
“Are you trying for funny?” Sasuke was growling. “You think I‘m not serious?”
“Well, you’re obviously not laughing,” Naruto breathed.
“I--”
Shut up, go away, get back and let me breathe--
“What? What’s wrong?” He was getting slightly concerned now. Sasuke still hadn’t let go of his arm, and that made him nervous too. “Sasuke?”
Sasuke’s head had been hanging low, but now it snapped up. Assertiveness and stubbornness made his eyes burn in his pale face. Naruto took a step back. He felt the cold locker come in contact with his bare skin.
“W-what are you doing?”
“What is it that you want, Sasuke?” Naruto was afraid and very certain of what it was Sasuke wanted. He was most adverse to giving it to him.
“Don’t go,” Sasuke said, his voice turning it into more of a command than a plea. “Don’t leave.”
There was a long, quiet silence in which neither of them spoke. Sasuke was breathing slightly heavily as if he’d run a few rounds around the apartment, and Naruto could hardly breath at all. What was it Sasuke expected from him now? What was it that he wanted, exactly?
And more importantly, what did he, Naruto, want?
Naruto didn‘t know what Sasuke said next. It was a lowly-spoken hiss of Japanese, a short sentence the blond didn’t have the time to pick apart, couldn’t guess its contents from his rival’s face, before it attacked again.
When Naruto went into a home other than his own, the first thing that struck him was the smell. It was the smell of that person, only many times more potent, and surrounding him in a thick current. That particular, distinctive scent of all those people combined with all of their possessions, their plants, their animals, the laundry detergent they used, the food they cooked, bundled into one that he’d get used after half an hour. But he couldn’t smell his own home, smell his own scent, or taste his own taste. It was as part of him as his own flesh and bone.
Was this what people tasted like? Did all saliva taste the same? Because Naruto would swear on every grave of every person he’d lived long enough to watch die, on every grave he’d ever have to visit, that he would never in his life get used to that taste, that smell of the other‘s boys skin that was abruptly shoved under his nose.
Kissing Sasuke was like swallowing ash.
But it would have been a lie to call it a kiss. It was a pair of cool, chapped lips scraping clumsily along his, sharp canines biting in every now and then. It was a thin, slippery tongue slithering into his mouth and thrusting past his teeth, roaming where it pleased. It was a large hand pinching at the junctures of his jaw with bruising force. It was the blond crying out from the ascending pain of it, and alarm as his mouth was pried and kept open by greedy fingers. It was his fist that had escaped Sasuke’s other hand that beat against the boy’s chest, and when the taller boy pressed closer, it was Naruto pulling at his hair. It was Sasuke hissing in pain before pulling back, releasing Naruto’s jaw before capturing the other hand that was still buried in hair the blond had once marveled as so soft. It was large hands snaking around his wrists before the other pinched his jaw and continued his not-a-kiss. It was Sasuke with an air of trying to do something he’d seen so often, but couldn’t quite pull off, so he tried harder.
The taste was heavy and disturbing. It wasn’t unpleasant, but reminiscent of what Naruto imagined he’d taste if he licked under the grate of a fireplace, or the cinders left from collapsed coals. The pleasant, woodsy smell they gave off. He tasted like that.
Naruto never wanted to see another fire in his life.
The way his head was forced back made it hard to breathe, and his face went lax as his mind swayed to and fro, not processing the present, still stuck in the not-too-distant past when they were glaring, but had a reasonable distance between the two. His mind was stuck at a bump, the present waving itself tantalizingly over his conscious.
Sasuke slipped his tongue back into his own mouth, kissed Naruto’s lower lip, then the top, and drew back. A faint gleam of fear entered his eyes as he gazed into Naruto’s, awaiting a reaction. And a reaction he got.
Whenever they fought, Naruto liked to think he always gave it his all. He hit as hard as he could, he ducked and quickly as was possible. But even he surprised himself by the stinging ache in his knuckles when he punched Sasuke, signaling that he may have hit hard enough to dislocate his jaw.
Sasuke stumbled back, hands already coming up to cradle his face. His eyes were squinted shut so that Naruto could not see what emotion was there in them. The blond stood panting, using the lockers behind him to support his weight. His legs were shaking horrible, and he didn’t trust them to hold him up.
“What… what…” Naruto’s mouth felt swollen, and his voice sounded even more garbled than Sasuke’s when he was trying to learn a new pronunciation. “You fucking… you…”
Don’t
“--You fucking freak.”
Don’t
Sasuke’s eyes finally opened and Naruto had to focus on his forehead. The betrayal, the total shock, was too much to take in. Naruto felt like screaming, like crying, like finding the nearest sharp object to kill either Sasuke or himself or both. He wished he’d skipped gym today. Skipped school. He wanted to go on the roof and eat lunch with his only friend. Without even thinking about it, Naruto knew that wouldn’t ever be possible. Not ever again. And for that, he was angry.
“Stay away from me,” he said, even though Sasuke hadn’t moved or even made to speak. Naruto didn’t want him to, either. Don’t ruin this, don’t ruin this, too, let me be pissed, let me be furious, you’ve taken away one of the few good things in my life how could you, you selfish bastard, it was one thing, one small thing, you took it away, you fucking monster.
Naruto stumbled away to the side. Sasuke’s eyes didn’t even follow him, fixed upon the spot where Naruto had been trapped against the locker. The blond realized then that Sasuke hadn’t been looking at him at all. He was lost, devastated, just like Naruto. And it was his fault. allhisfault
Naruto turned. He wouldn’t see Sasuke again for days after that. He ran.
When Sasuke stepped closer, Naruto thought he’d come all the way. He thought that he’d trap him, again, and kiss him, again, and Naruto would finally lose his mind. Should he be so afraid of a kiss? Logic told him to be disgusted, that the act should have his stomach heaving. His stomach was in turmoil, but in a different way. It was like it had been filled with helium and his whole body was alive, alert, ready to jump out of his skin.
“…do you want to?” Sasuke murmured. “To leave? Truly?”
Naruto couldn’t think of a reply. All he knew was that Sasuke was seconds away form backing down, and that he should say ‘yes’. Yes he wanted to leave. Yes he wanted to go back to his normal life, find a normal girl later in his teens, hang out with normal feelings. Be comfortable.
Naruto’s own standard of logic was screaming that he’d never, ever been normal. Not once in his life, not for a single moment. He’d never had a sleepover, or been invited one. He never had a birthday party thrown for him. He didn’t have a mom or a dad, a brother or sister, or any known living blood relative. He’d always been alone, and it made him an outsider. His whole life had been built around trying to reject that.
Yet here Sasuke stood, just as abnormal, if not more so, than Naruto. No family, in a completely foreign country, only a loose handle on the native language, no friends, no one to really talk to except for Naruto. Kissing a boy, a boy, when he could easily find a girl. And after he kissed that boy, he tried to keep the same boy from leaving his apartment, bearing everything of himself to him, begging him not to leave even when it was so very obvious he could do a million times better.
In reality, Sasuke was an even bigger idiot than Naruto. But he was a brave idiot. Naruto was just a coward. He was trying so hard to be normal and--
“I can’t wait,” Sasuke was saying, and Naruto’s attention was recaptured immediately. “either you want me as I you or---leave.”
Still, Naruto couldn’t say anything. He usually never had a problem running his mouth, so of course, at the most critical moment, he lost his voice.
Sasuke studied Naruto’s face impassively for a long, drawn-out minute. And then…
“Fine.”
As Sasuke brushed past him, a distant memory licked the edges of Naruto’s mind. He was aware of what an idiot he was, and the knowledge gave him confidence. Because for every stupid thing he did, there was usually something smart that came out of it. Touching a flame taught him it was hot, and to not do it again. Telling Iruka he got into another fight caused his guardian to worry, so he learned to hide it better. And fighting with Sasuke led to Naruto garnering the first real friendship of his life. Finally, he was accepted, acknowledged. And now that person, one of the precious few important people in his life, was walking away because of something stupid that Naruto had done. Something Naruto had stupidly denied him.
And he would do anything to keep it from leaving him. Because last Friday had changed everything. Because now Naruto had to risk part of himself to keep hold of something sacred, just had Sasuke had done.
He tastes like smoke.
Sasuke fit. He was the other fucked up half to Naruto’s completely disgraceful life. Two damaged pieces hardly fit together in sync, but it kept them from holding onto something pure and living with the fear of damaging it.
Like holding a fire on the tip of my tongue.
Sasuke just fit.
Naruto felt, therefore, completely free of guilt, of blame, when he walked up to the door, yanked the door from Sasuke’s grip that the taller boy had pulled open, and let it slam back into the doorframe.
But he knew he had to be held responsible when his hand fisted the collar of Sasuke’s shirt and pulled. His lips slammed painfully into the edge of Sasuke’s prominent cheekbone and he winced. He clamped his eyes shut tightly, followed the contours of his face, waited until he felt warm, damp breath against his mouth, and kissed him.
Yes. He had to be held accountable for that.
--
Naruto noticed that Sasuke wasn’t even bothering to act under the pretense that he himself carved those into his cheeks, and a million new thoughts popped into his already crowded mind. Was he that easy to read? Was his guilt so apparent that Sasuke already knew of Naruto’s sudden revelation?
There’s no way to get out of this.
Just do it. Do it fast, quick. Fuck.
“Do you remember those guys in school, the ones who were too old to be in our grade? Older than even you?” When Sasuke frowned, Naruto elaborated, “The big black guy, the leader, the one with scars over his neck?” Sasuke nodded now. “They were hanging around your apartment building that night. I ran into them on my way home.”
Sasuke’s eyes narrowed. “And they did that to you?”
“They’re dicks,” Naruto supplied. “You can’t tell me that you’re surprised--”
“I’m not surprised that they’d try something like this,” Sasuke cut him off. “What I’m surprised at is that you let them. Those scars are straight…” Sasuke’s hand lifted, his index finger extended as if prepared to trace along one of them to prove his point. Although Naruto didn’t flinch back at the moment, Sasuke’s hand dropped back as if he had. “You didn’t put up a fight at all.” It wasn’t a question.
“I did,” Naruto insisted. “There were just so many of them--”
Sasuke snorted. “Stop lying to me. You let them do that to you.”
“No one would let this happen to them, asshole!” Sasuke hissed, rage filtering out the breathy quality his voice had adopted throughout their conversation.
“You didn’t stop them. It’s the same thing.”
“There’s a difference.”
“There isn’t.”
“Shut your fucking mouth! This isn’t--not--it didn’t happen to you, you weren’t there, remember!?”
“Is that what this has all been about?” Sasuke said quickly, eyes flaring up again. “You’ve created this ridiculous story to make me feel guilty over not being there to stop some idiots from carving up your face?”
“No, that’s not it! I didn’t make it up--not really…”
“Well, it certainly wasn’t true.”
“I know that! Just give me five seconds to fucking explain…!”
“Yeah,” Sasuke snorted. “Like what you gave me to explain, right?”
“Yes! I-I mean no!”
“I didn’t force you out of that apartment, Naruto,” Sasuke hissed. He was sitting up straight now, body tenses as if he were getting ready to stand. “You left on your own. You left me, not the other way around.”
“God, you’re so full of shit, Uchiha!” Naruto snapped. “What the fuck is wrong with your head!? You left me, you retard!”
“I did no such thing.”
Naruto snapped. ”California!” he shouted. He was on his knees now. While sitting down, even in a hunched position, Sasuke he was still a few inched taller. Now Naruto towered over him. It didn’t help anything. “Fucking California! I may have walked a few blocks from your fucking front door, but you flew across the God-damned country!”
Sasuke looked less angry as he replied, “That wasn’t my choice, Naruto. I had no choice.”
“I know that!” Naruto snapped. “Don’t be stupid.”
“I’m being stupid?” Sasuke said incredulously. “I’m not the one blaming someone for something beyond their control.”
Naruto could already feel his anger quaking under the burdensome weight of guilt, again. The look on Sasuke’s face was devastating. He could barely look the older man in the eye as he said, “I’m not… blaming you. I was just mad.”
“Just mad?” Sasuke repeated disbelievingly. “For eight years, you were ‘just mad’?”
“I was really mad,” Naruto elaborated. “I was… furious. You left me alone right after you--” Naruto shook his head. Sasuke looked suspicious, like he was expecting Naruto to fling wild accusations at him again, so he plowed on, “I didn’t mean to--accuse you of that stuff. I didn’t.”
“Yes,” Sasuke sneered. “Calling me a rapist was just a cute petname. Avoiding me like the bubonic plague was your way of saying you wanted me back.”
“I couldn’t want you back because were never together!” Naruto wasn’t nearly as angry as his words were making him sound. For once, his voice was louder than his mind.
“Oh? My memory tells me otherwise. And apparently, so does yours.”
“Shut up, shut up, I didn’t mean it!”
“You didn’t mean to make it up? Your mind just developed its own agenda?”
“Yes! It sounds crazy, but it’s true!”
“I don’t buy it.”
“Sasuke, please.” This is backwards, ass-backwards, when did we switch sides, is this how he’s felt, every day, every hour, every minute, every second of every week of every month? Have I been doing this to him for years? “You have to trust me…”
Sasuke snorted, but it was a weak sound. “Why should I?” he asked. “You don’t trust me.”
“I--” I do. You’re the only one I can trust. You proved that to me on the floor of your apartment where you threw me down, tore me apart, and showed me each and every sickening inch of my personality, stitched me up and left me there to bleed.
…no.
But that’s not true, right?
Right?
You never did any of that, did you?
You helped me. You gave me someone, something precious, and I was too stupid to realize it had to go away. I was too stupid to put the blame on the wrong person.
I’m sorry.
Sasuke blinked at him, stunned. Naruto had heard someone apologize, their voice weak and nearly unrecognizable. But Sasuke’s lips hadn’t moved, which could only mean that--
“What?” Sasuke murmured, voice disbelieving.
“I’m sorry,” Naruto whispered again. “I’m so…” Naruto sank back from on his knees. “So…” He sunk back, his head hitting the wall. Fuck. “So sorry.” Damn it.
God damn it.
For a long while, both were quiet, neither of them looking at the other. They stared at the wall, the ceiling, the floor, the window, the door. Naruto wondered if it was over now. Sasuke knew the truth, and he didn’t look happy about it. In fact, he looked more upset now than their explosive reunion back in August.
“It was my fault.”
The blond man looked up, mildly surprised to hear a voice after sitting in the quiet, sharing a bed in a moment far more intimate than sex. Naruto hadn’t known what to expect from Sasuke, but the older man taking blame hadn’t once crossed his mind. “What?” Naruto asked dully. “How is any of this your fault?”
Sasuke sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration, leaning back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. Naruto’s fingers twitched at the memory, remembering when he had once done that. The clear, bright light floating in through the window was dimming the longer there not-much-of-a-conversation grew. The walls burned the color of Day-Glo, and combined with the color of Sasuke’s hair, Naruto was reminded amusingly of late October.
“I don’t mean the past few months,” Sasuke finally said, seeming to chew on his words a bit before throwing them out. It sounded rehearsed that way, even though Naruto knew it couldn’t be. “I mean that night.” When Naruto didn’t say anything to that, he went on, “I pushed too hard.”
“You didn’t,” Naruto denied. “I remember… you offered to let me out. I stayed. How’s that your fault?”
Sasuke shook his head. “I pressured you to stay.”
“There’s only so much pressure you can put on a guy,” Naruto snorted. “I wasn’t that weak.”
Sasuke ‘hmm’ed, still not looking into the other man’s eyes. His eyes drifted from the ceiling and out to the window, studying the landscape instead. An acidic taste arose in Naruto’s throat again, and he desperately wished for a glass of water, or a bottle of mouthwash, anything to chase that taste away. Was this what guilt tastes like, Naruto wondered. Have I fucked it all up so badly that this is all I can feel?
Meanwhile, it seemed that Sasuke wanted to talk about this even less than Naruto did. He wasn’t asking the other any questions of his own, just offering quiet and clipped responses as if he’d heard them all already, and was now pulling answers from a memory bank.
In a brazen attempt to catch Sasuke off his guard, Naruto blurted, “Why did you move to Japan?” In his mind, the question had been, “What happened to your family?” but he edited it at last second. What plausible excuse would Naruto have for knowing even an inkling of Sasuke’s past? The blond couldn’t remember ever asking Sasuke about his life before coming to the United States while they were in middle school.
Still, Sasuke didn’t seem all that surprised by the question. “I had to get away,” he answered as if it were the most common thing in the world. “There were more opportunities for me in the States than there were in Japan.”
“Oh,” Naruto said. Cautiously, he asked, “Do you still have family there?”
There was a slight pause before Sasuke replied, “Yes. An older brother.”
A flashback of the old newspaper clipping, of the Sasuke-esque man being dragged by officers.
“Do you ever visit him?”
It was a normal enough questions, but there was definitely a break in conversation at that. Sasuke turned to look him in the eye now, suspicion apparent in every feature of his face. “How much do you know?”
“Know what?” Naruto replied stupidly. He knew he was caught, but his lips seemed to be refusing to acknowledge that fact.
“Don’t play dumb,” Sasuke snapped. “What is it you know about my family?”
Naruto bit his lip, reluctant to admit that he’d been snooping around in Sasuke’s past, however unintentional it had been. He was also weary of dropping Shino’s name. If someone had kept a clip of something in his personal life that he’d obviously wanted hidden, he’d be pissed as hell. And Sasuke didn’t seem the type to let things go.
“I’ve never lied to you,” Sasuke said suddenly, frowning slightly. Naruto was relieved to find that the older man’s words had lost their dullness. “It would be nice if you would return the favor.”
Naruto scowled. He wasn’t lying. That is, if one didn’t count omission as a lie. Apparently Sasuke did, and unfortunately, he was the one person who mattered. So Naruto told him.
“I really couldn’t understand much, it was all in Japanese,” Naruto muttered. “I saw a picture of you as a kid, and the police dragging some guy who looked like--”
“Shino,” Sasuke said shortly. Hesitantly, Naruto nodded. Sasuke’s eyes snapped away as he snarled to the bed sheets, “I told Shino to burn those.”
“It wasn’t his fault!” Naruto said quickly. “It was just sort of… sitting there. He told me not to look through it, but--”
“Yeah, and I bet he made a real effort to hide it, too.” Naruto didn’t know what to say to that, so he kept quiet. A minute or so passed by before Sasuke started speaking again. “Did Shino tell you the story behind it?”
Naruto shook his head because, technically, it was true. It wasn’t Shino that told him, so… I’m doing it again, aren’t I? I’m lying. Lying by omission. Here he is, practically spilling his guts, and I’m lying to save my own sorry ass, what kind of idiot, what kind of asshole, what kind of monster….
“Do you want to know?”
Naruto figured that Sasuke would tell him, but he hadn’t expected to be asked first. “I want to hear it,” Naruto agreed, although he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to. From the sound of his companion’s voice, the tale was worse than the one Sakura had whispered over the café table barely hours ago. Was it that bad? Would this do even more damage to their already irreparable relationship, more so than Naruto himself had caused?
Sasuke still wasn’t looking at him as he began…
Pairing: SasuNaru
Rating: NC17
Chapter Rating: NC17
Warnings: Sexual themes, language
Summary: It's hard learning how to save peoples lives when you're so busy trying to save your own.
Naruto, for the life of him, couldn’t figure out why it had him so upset. Oddly enough, he wasn’t really thinking about his foreign friend at the moment. He wasn’t even thinking about last Friday, like his thoughts had been leading him to do lately. He was thinking of his classmates, and the last conversation he’d had with any of them. Any of them but Sasuke. He couldn’t think of a single one. The weight suddenly disappeared from his stomach; he felt like he had no stomach at all. His eyes were burning, and he didn’t know why, only that the roof was large and empty with two people, but with only one it would be--
“Are you crying?” a confused voice asked. Naruto’s thought process stuttered to a halt, and he knew that he had to leave.
“Thanks for the soda. There’s your homework. I’ll see you--” No I won’t. “Bye.” Short, simple, and quick as a bullet. He barely even felt it as every organ in his body died simultaneously and damnit it all, I don’t know why.
Naruto didn’t know that he’d already turned until he felt Sasuke’s hand, larger than his own, gripping his elbow tightly, pulling it back towards him.
“Hey, man, ever hear of personal space?” Naruto tried to push as much juvenile rudeness into his voice as possible, but it didn’t seem to faze Sasuke at all. In fact, it had the complete opposite of the desired result. Instead of freeing Naruto, he used his free hand to grasp the folder of papers and send them flying across the room, the papers flying and fluttering like the amputated wings of birds.
“Hey!” was Naruto‘s knee-jerk reaction, and a moment later had shoved Sasuke back a foot with his forearm, his arm falling free from Sasuke‘s tight grip. This was it. This was the perfect solution, the perfect excuse not to talk. For even though Sasuke could barely speak in proper English, he, Naruto, was far worse off when it came to a battle of words. His fists clenched before he struck one arm, pointing to hid fallen shoulder bag. “Go and get those.”
Sasuke just stared at him, unfazed by the push or the order. “No. I don’t need those papers.”
“I don‘t give a shit about what you need,” Naruto snarled. “I brought them all the way here so your lazy ass didn‘t have to go and get them from school. You could at least look at them.”
“No,” Sasuke repeated. “I not return to school. I don’t need the homework.”
Naruto worried the inside of his cheek with his canines for a short moment, and then he huffed, shoving his fists into his pockets. As suddenly as it had come, the fight had gone out of him, and all he wanted was to leave.
Who’s the last person I’ve talked to besides him?
Let Sasuke go. Let him leave, to a completely different time zone, at that. Let him go.
Let him go?
Naruto was fine before him. He’d be fine after him. Like a storm, Sasuke had come without any introduction, any warning, and he’d leave just as fast with only a field of wreckage and carnage as proof of his existence.
Let him go?
“Whatever,” Naruto muttered. He kept his voice low, afraid that it would crack. “Do whatever the fuck you want. I’m out.”
Naruto once again attempted to move past the older Asian teen. He shied away from Sasuke, trying to keep a distance between them. It didn’t make a difference. This time, however, instead of holding onto his arm, Sasuke snaked an arm across Naruto’s abdomen--I feel his fingers, should you be able to feel that through two shirts--and encircled his waist. Naruto jerked his body backwards and ended up pressing himself into the divider that separated the kitchen from the rest of the house.
“Stop touching me!” Naruto snapped. “What the fuck is your problem?”
Sasuke eyes narrowed. Unperturbed, or a very good actor, he stepped closer. Naruto didn’t try to avoid him this time. He was too scared to see if Sasuke would chase him, and the implications that would be behind it. “What yours?”
“You’re my problem,” Naruto deadpanned. “Move.”
“No. I upset you.”
“You didn’t. I don’t get upset.”
When Sasuke rose an eyebrow, Naruto amended, “Not over you.” He straightened himself up. Sasuke and he were less than a foot apart, and the shorter the distance became, the miniscule shifts Sasuke made by shuffling his weight from foot to foot, shortening the distance even further in a subtle manner, the harder and faster Naruto’s heart beat in his chest. “Can I go now?”
“No.” Sasuke took a step closer, and Naruto’s head cracked against the wall as he jolted backwards, flattening himself and wishing the barrier to swallow him whole. He recognized this position. The cool plaster felt, for a moment, like the thin, freezing metal of a locker door. The stagnant air smelled like body odor and chlorine. In both situations, they were alone. Just as they were now. Just like they were then. Sasuke’s arm propped itself he wall by Naruto’s head, and he could smell the older boy’s breath.
Like smoke.
“Does it matter for you?” Sasuke hissed. “That I’m gone tomorrow?”
Naruto didn’t even hesitate in saying, “Good riddance,” because, really, what else could he say? ‘Yes’? ‘No’? The first would be unbelievable. The second would sound a lie.
Sasuke stared at him with the first dumb expression ever to be witnessed on his noble face. Then it slid to disapproval, with a small trace of disappointment. Then understanding, and finally, the smug look that Naruto knew so well slid right back over his face like the pointer of a compass to North. It was a surprise to him that he’d very nearly missed this. He hadn’t seen it, not really, for days.
And then, to Naruto‘s surprise, Sasuke began to laugh. It wasn’t a happy sound, nor was it a full-blown laugh. It was a self-depreciating laugher that made Naruto feel like scum for having caused that sound.
Make it stop.
The laughter grew louder, more hysteric, and Naruto recalled the laughter of villains in all the movies he loved to watch. It sounded like Sasuke was slowly building up to that, and as much as he’d love to have reason to hate Sasuke, as much as he’d love to label him the Joker to his Batman, hearing that Sasuke reached, even for a moment, the pinnacle of dark insanity was too much to bear.
His hand had clenched into a fist before he couldn’t even register what it was he was dong. By the time he realized what he was about to do, his fist had already snapped into Sasuke’s cheek.
Sasuke stumbled back several steps, and Naruto was pleased to see that he’d stop laughing. His head was bent, as he wiped the back of his hand against his lip, and then pulled it away to inspect the smear as if he’d never seen blood before. Blatant shock was mirrored in every one of his actions, and yet when he looked up, his gaze was settled and calm as he said, “You hit me.”
“You deserved it. Don’t laugh at me, retard. People are gonna think you’re a psycho… “
“Hn,” he mutter blankly. “Is that what you think me for? That I‘m insanity?”
The automatic ‘yes’ caught in his throat as, upon closer inspection, Naruto noticed something slightly off in Sasuke’s expression. Despite the slightly hysteric look that remained in his black eyes, Naruto couldn’t bring himself to insult him. He was sure he didn’t look too put together himself. Everyone cracked. Unfortunately, Sasuke was choosing now to do so.
Sasuke spit a glob of blood at the ground by Naruto’s feet, and the sympathetic path his mind had begun to consider crippled beneath his feet. He couldn’t tell how he felt, only that he didn’t like it.
“I was going to tell you.”
Slightly shaken from the abrupt change in subject, Naruto asked, “Tell me what?”
Sasuke shook his head slightly, muttering something in rapid Japanese under his breath. Before Naruto could ask him to translate, Sasuke plowed on, “That I’m leaving. I was to tell you.”
“Well, you’re telling me now,” Naruto muttered. He was slowly inching himself away from the divider. When Sasuke had stumbled back, he’d ended up near the opposite wall, giving Naruto a bit more room to maneuver.
Sasuke was losing his understanding look and raised a curious eyebrow, frowning slightly now in confusion. He didn’t understand, but to be fair, neither did Naruto.
Clearing his throat, the blond forced out, “I don‘t really care… that you‘re leaving.”
“You‘re lying,” Sasuke hissed, although a trace of doubt laced his words like arsenic.
“No, I‘m not,” Naruto cut in. “I have no reason to. All we do at school is beat the shit out of each other and talk about how much we hated everyone else. Why would I waste time missing you?” Naruto knew how he’d feel if these kinds of things were said to him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care very much at this point. He wanted to leave before he did more damage that would prevent him from forgetting. Prevent him from leaving. “I have other friends, you know.” Even though he didn’t. “If you don’t have anything else retarded to say, I’m leaving.” He took a deliberate step forward, but paused in the action of taking a second.
Anger.
Fuck, he’d never seen anyone look so angry before.
Sasuke hissed something in Japanese through gritted teeth, and it reminded Naruto strongly of a cobra’s hiss he’d heard before while watching Animal Planet. Then the snake had struck the guy who’d been dangling him from his arm with bared fangs. And as entertaining as it was then, that certainly did not apply now. His feet spread apart slightly, ready for a fight if need be, Naruto asked, “What did you think I was here for, huh?” As soon as the words left Naruto’s lips, the snake struck, and a memory arose in his mind and sunk in like a quick and fatal poison, his heart contracting in pain and surprise.
“Hey, you don’t have gym this period.” Naruto slid his shirt up and over his head before throwing it messily into a pile in his locker. “What’s up? Someone bothering you again?”
Sasuke’s hand gripped his forearm just as he was about to shed his gym shorts. “Naruto?”
“What?”
“I--”
“Are you trying for funny?” Sasuke was growling. “You think I‘m not serious?”
“Well, you’re obviously not laughing,” Naruto breathed.
“I--”
Shut up, go away, get back and let me breathe--
“What? What’s wrong?” He was getting slightly concerned now. Sasuke still hadn’t let go of his arm, and that made him nervous too. “Sasuke?”
Sasuke’s head had been hanging low, but now it snapped up. Assertiveness and stubbornness made his eyes burn in his pale face. Naruto took a step back. He felt the cold locker come in contact with his bare skin.
“W-what are you doing?”
“What is it that you want, Sasuke?” Naruto was afraid and very certain of what it was Sasuke wanted. He was most adverse to giving it to him.
“Don’t go,” Sasuke said, his voice turning it into more of a command than a plea. “Don’t leave.”
There was a long, quiet silence in which neither of them spoke. Sasuke was breathing slightly heavily as if he’d run a few rounds around the apartment, and Naruto could hardly breath at all. What was it Sasuke expected from him now? What was it that he wanted, exactly?
And more importantly, what did he, Naruto, want?
Naruto didn‘t know what Sasuke said next. It was a lowly-spoken hiss of Japanese, a short sentence the blond didn’t have the time to pick apart, couldn’t guess its contents from his rival’s face, before it attacked again.
When Naruto went into a home other than his own, the first thing that struck him was the smell. It was the smell of that person, only many times more potent, and surrounding him in a thick current. That particular, distinctive scent of all those people combined with all of their possessions, their plants, their animals, the laundry detergent they used, the food they cooked, bundled into one that he’d get used after half an hour. But he couldn’t smell his own home, smell his own scent, or taste his own taste. It was as part of him as his own flesh and bone.
Was this what people tasted like? Did all saliva taste the same? Because Naruto would swear on every grave of every person he’d lived long enough to watch die, on every grave he’d ever have to visit, that he would never in his life get used to that taste, that smell of the other‘s boys skin that was abruptly shoved under his nose.
Kissing Sasuke was like swallowing ash.
But it would have been a lie to call it a kiss. It was a pair of cool, chapped lips scraping clumsily along his, sharp canines biting in every now and then. It was a thin, slippery tongue slithering into his mouth and thrusting past his teeth, roaming where it pleased. It was a large hand pinching at the junctures of his jaw with bruising force. It was the blond crying out from the ascending pain of it, and alarm as his mouth was pried and kept open by greedy fingers. It was his fist that had escaped Sasuke’s other hand that beat against the boy’s chest, and when the taller boy pressed closer, it was Naruto pulling at his hair. It was Sasuke hissing in pain before pulling back, releasing Naruto’s jaw before capturing the other hand that was still buried in hair the blond had once marveled as so soft. It was large hands snaking around his wrists before the other pinched his jaw and continued his not-a-kiss. It was Sasuke with an air of trying to do something he’d seen so often, but couldn’t quite pull off, so he tried harder.
The taste was heavy and disturbing. It wasn’t unpleasant, but reminiscent of what Naruto imagined he’d taste if he licked under the grate of a fireplace, or the cinders left from collapsed coals. The pleasant, woodsy smell they gave off. He tasted like that.
Naruto never wanted to see another fire in his life.
The way his head was forced back made it hard to breathe, and his face went lax as his mind swayed to and fro, not processing the present, still stuck in the not-too-distant past when they were glaring, but had a reasonable distance between the two. His mind was stuck at a bump, the present waving itself tantalizingly over his conscious.
Sasuke slipped his tongue back into his own mouth, kissed Naruto’s lower lip, then the top, and drew back. A faint gleam of fear entered his eyes as he gazed into Naruto’s, awaiting a reaction. And a reaction he got.
Whenever they fought, Naruto liked to think he always gave it his all. He hit as hard as he could, he ducked and quickly as was possible. But even he surprised himself by the stinging ache in his knuckles when he punched Sasuke, signaling that he may have hit hard enough to dislocate his jaw.
Sasuke stumbled back, hands already coming up to cradle his face. His eyes were squinted shut so that Naruto could not see what emotion was there in them. The blond stood panting, using the lockers behind him to support his weight. His legs were shaking horrible, and he didn’t trust them to hold him up.
“What… what…” Naruto’s mouth felt swollen, and his voice sounded even more garbled than Sasuke’s when he was trying to learn a new pronunciation. “You fucking… you…”
Don’t
“--You fucking freak.”
Don’t
Sasuke’s eyes finally opened and Naruto had to focus on his forehead. The betrayal, the total shock, was too much to take in. Naruto felt like screaming, like crying, like finding the nearest sharp object to kill either Sasuke or himself or both. He wished he’d skipped gym today. Skipped school. He wanted to go on the roof and eat lunch with his only friend. Without even thinking about it, Naruto knew that wouldn’t ever be possible. Not ever again. And for that, he was angry.
“Stay away from me,” he said, even though Sasuke hadn’t moved or even made to speak. Naruto didn’t want him to, either. Don’t ruin this, don’t ruin this, too, let me be pissed, let me be furious, you’ve taken away one of the few good things in my life how could you, you selfish bastard, it was one thing, one small thing, you took it away, you fucking monster.
Naruto stumbled away to the side. Sasuke’s eyes didn’t even follow him, fixed upon the spot where Naruto had been trapped against the locker. The blond realized then that Sasuke hadn’t been looking at him at all. He was lost, devastated, just like Naruto. And it was his fault. allhisfault
Naruto turned. He wouldn’t see Sasuke again for days after that. He ran.
When Sasuke stepped closer, Naruto thought he’d come all the way. He thought that he’d trap him, again, and kiss him, again, and Naruto would finally lose his mind. Should he be so afraid of a kiss? Logic told him to be disgusted, that the act should have his stomach heaving. His stomach was in turmoil, but in a different way. It was like it had been filled with helium and his whole body was alive, alert, ready to jump out of his skin.
“…do you want to?” Sasuke murmured. “To leave? Truly?”
Naruto couldn’t think of a reply. All he knew was that Sasuke was seconds away form backing down, and that he should say ‘yes’. Yes he wanted to leave. Yes he wanted to go back to his normal life, find a normal girl later in his teens, hang out with normal feelings. Be comfortable.
Naruto’s own standard of logic was screaming that he’d never, ever been normal. Not once in his life, not for a single moment. He’d never had a sleepover, or been invited one. He never had a birthday party thrown for him. He didn’t have a mom or a dad, a brother or sister, or any known living blood relative. He’d always been alone, and it made him an outsider. His whole life had been built around trying to reject that.
Yet here Sasuke stood, just as abnormal, if not more so, than Naruto. No family, in a completely foreign country, only a loose handle on the native language, no friends, no one to really talk to except for Naruto. Kissing a boy, a boy, when he could easily find a girl. And after he kissed that boy, he tried to keep the same boy from leaving his apartment, bearing everything of himself to him, begging him not to leave even when it was so very obvious he could do a million times better.
In reality, Sasuke was an even bigger idiot than Naruto. But he was a brave idiot. Naruto was just a coward. He was trying so hard to be normal and--
“I can’t wait,” Sasuke was saying, and Naruto’s attention was recaptured immediately. “either you want me as I you or---leave.”
Still, Naruto couldn’t say anything. He usually never had a problem running his mouth, so of course, at the most critical moment, he lost his voice.
Sasuke studied Naruto’s face impassively for a long, drawn-out minute. And then…
“Fine.”
As Sasuke brushed past him, a distant memory licked the edges of Naruto’s mind. He was aware of what an idiot he was, and the knowledge gave him confidence. Because for every stupid thing he did, there was usually something smart that came out of it. Touching a flame taught him it was hot, and to not do it again. Telling Iruka he got into another fight caused his guardian to worry, so he learned to hide it better. And fighting with Sasuke led to Naruto garnering the first real friendship of his life. Finally, he was accepted, acknowledged. And now that person, one of the precious few important people in his life, was walking away because of something stupid that Naruto had done. Something Naruto had stupidly denied him.
And he would do anything to keep it from leaving him. Because last Friday had changed everything. Because now Naruto had to risk part of himself to keep hold of something sacred, just had Sasuke had done.
He tastes like smoke.
Sasuke fit. He was the other fucked up half to Naruto’s completely disgraceful life. Two damaged pieces hardly fit together in sync, but it kept them from holding onto something pure and living with the fear of damaging it.
Like holding a fire on the tip of my tongue.
Sasuke just fit.
Naruto felt, therefore, completely free of guilt, of blame, when he walked up to the door, yanked the door from Sasuke’s grip that the taller boy had pulled open, and let it slam back into the doorframe.
But he knew he had to be held responsible when his hand fisted the collar of Sasuke’s shirt and pulled. His lips slammed painfully into the edge of Sasuke’s prominent cheekbone and he winced. He clamped his eyes shut tightly, followed the contours of his face, waited until he felt warm, damp breath against his mouth, and kissed him.
Yes. He had to be held accountable for that.
--
Naruto noticed that Sasuke wasn’t even bothering to act under the pretense that he himself carved those into his cheeks, and a million new thoughts popped into his already crowded mind. Was he that easy to read? Was his guilt so apparent that Sasuke already knew of Naruto’s sudden revelation?
There’s no way to get out of this.
Just do it. Do it fast, quick. Fuck.
“Do you remember those guys in school, the ones who were too old to be in our grade? Older than even you?” When Sasuke frowned, Naruto elaborated, “The big black guy, the leader, the one with scars over his neck?” Sasuke nodded now. “They were hanging around your apartment building that night. I ran into them on my way home.”
Sasuke’s eyes narrowed. “And they did that to you?”
“They’re dicks,” Naruto supplied. “You can’t tell me that you’re surprised--”
“I’m not surprised that they’d try something like this,” Sasuke cut him off. “What I’m surprised at is that you let them. Those scars are straight…” Sasuke’s hand lifted, his index finger extended as if prepared to trace along one of them to prove his point. Although Naruto didn’t flinch back at the moment, Sasuke’s hand dropped back as if he had. “You didn’t put up a fight at all.” It wasn’t a question.
“I did,” Naruto insisted. “There were just so many of them--”
Sasuke snorted. “Stop lying to me. You let them do that to you.”
“No one would let this happen to them, asshole!” Sasuke hissed, rage filtering out the breathy quality his voice had adopted throughout their conversation.
“You didn’t stop them. It’s the same thing.”
“There’s a difference.”
“There isn’t.”
“Shut your fucking mouth! This isn’t--not--it didn’t happen to you, you weren’t there, remember!?”
“Is that what this has all been about?” Sasuke said quickly, eyes flaring up again. “You’ve created this ridiculous story to make me feel guilty over not being there to stop some idiots from carving up your face?”
“No, that’s not it! I didn’t make it up--not really…”
“Well, it certainly wasn’t true.”
“I know that! Just give me five seconds to fucking explain…!”
“Yeah,” Sasuke snorted. “Like what you gave me to explain, right?”
“Yes! I-I mean no!”
“I didn’t force you out of that apartment, Naruto,” Sasuke hissed. He was sitting up straight now, body tenses as if he were getting ready to stand. “You left on your own. You left me, not the other way around.”
“God, you’re so full of shit, Uchiha!” Naruto snapped. “What the fuck is wrong with your head!? You left me, you retard!”
“I did no such thing.”
Naruto snapped. ”California!” he shouted. He was on his knees now. While sitting down, even in a hunched position, Sasuke he was still a few inched taller. Now Naruto towered over him. It didn’t help anything. “Fucking California! I may have walked a few blocks from your fucking front door, but you flew across the God-damned country!”
Sasuke looked less angry as he replied, “That wasn’t my choice, Naruto. I had no choice.”
“I know that!” Naruto snapped. “Don’t be stupid.”
“I’m being stupid?” Sasuke said incredulously. “I’m not the one blaming someone for something beyond their control.”
Naruto could already feel his anger quaking under the burdensome weight of guilt, again. The look on Sasuke’s face was devastating. He could barely look the older man in the eye as he said, “I’m not… blaming you. I was just mad.”
“Just mad?” Sasuke repeated disbelievingly. “For eight years, you were ‘just mad’?”
“I was really mad,” Naruto elaborated. “I was… furious. You left me alone right after you--” Naruto shook his head. Sasuke looked suspicious, like he was expecting Naruto to fling wild accusations at him again, so he plowed on, “I didn’t mean to--accuse you of that stuff. I didn’t.”
“Yes,” Sasuke sneered. “Calling me a rapist was just a cute petname. Avoiding me like the bubonic plague was your way of saying you wanted me back.”
“I couldn’t want you back because were never together!” Naruto wasn’t nearly as angry as his words were making him sound. For once, his voice was louder than his mind.
“Oh? My memory tells me otherwise. And apparently, so does yours.”
“Shut up, shut up, I didn’t mean it!”
“You didn’t mean to make it up? Your mind just developed its own agenda?”
“Yes! It sounds crazy, but it’s true!”
“I don’t buy it.”
“Sasuke, please.” This is backwards, ass-backwards, when did we switch sides, is this how he’s felt, every day, every hour, every minute, every second of every week of every month? Have I been doing this to him for years? “You have to trust me…”
Sasuke snorted, but it was a weak sound. “Why should I?” he asked. “You don’t trust me.”
“I--” I do. You’re the only one I can trust. You proved that to me on the floor of your apartment where you threw me down, tore me apart, and showed me each and every sickening inch of my personality, stitched me up and left me there to bleed.
…no.
But that’s not true, right?
Right?
You never did any of that, did you?
You helped me. You gave me someone, something precious, and I was too stupid to realize it had to go away. I was too stupid to put the blame on the wrong person.
I’m sorry.
Sasuke blinked at him, stunned. Naruto had heard someone apologize, their voice weak and nearly unrecognizable. But Sasuke’s lips hadn’t moved, which could only mean that--
“What?” Sasuke murmured, voice disbelieving.
“I’m sorry,” Naruto whispered again. “I’m so…” Naruto sank back from on his knees. “So…” He sunk back, his head hitting the wall. Fuck. “So sorry.” Damn it.
God damn it.
For a long while, both were quiet, neither of them looking at the other. They stared at the wall, the ceiling, the floor, the window, the door. Naruto wondered if it was over now. Sasuke knew the truth, and he didn’t look happy about it. In fact, he looked more upset now than their explosive reunion back in August.
“It was my fault.”
The blond man looked up, mildly surprised to hear a voice after sitting in the quiet, sharing a bed in a moment far more intimate than sex. Naruto hadn’t known what to expect from Sasuke, but the older man taking blame hadn’t once crossed his mind. “What?” Naruto asked dully. “How is any of this your fault?”
Sasuke sighed, running a hand through his hair in frustration, leaning back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. Naruto’s fingers twitched at the memory, remembering when he had once done that. The clear, bright light floating in through the window was dimming the longer there not-much-of-a-conversation grew. The walls burned the color of Day-Glo, and combined with the color of Sasuke’s hair, Naruto was reminded amusingly of late October.
“I don’t mean the past few months,” Sasuke finally said, seeming to chew on his words a bit before throwing them out. It sounded rehearsed that way, even though Naruto knew it couldn’t be. “I mean that night.” When Naruto didn’t say anything to that, he went on, “I pushed too hard.”
“You didn’t,” Naruto denied. “I remember… you offered to let me out. I stayed. How’s that your fault?”
Sasuke shook his head. “I pressured you to stay.”
“There’s only so much pressure you can put on a guy,” Naruto snorted. “I wasn’t that weak.”
Sasuke ‘hmm’ed, still not looking into the other man’s eyes. His eyes drifted from the ceiling and out to the window, studying the landscape instead. An acidic taste arose in Naruto’s throat again, and he desperately wished for a glass of water, or a bottle of mouthwash, anything to chase that taste away. Was this what guilt tastes like, Naruto wondered. Have I fucked it all up so badly that this is all I can feel?
Meanwhile, it seemed that Sasuke wanted to talk about this even less than Naruto did. He wasn’t asking the other any questions of his own, just offering quiet and clipped responses as if he’d heard them all already, and was now pulling answers from a memory bank.
In a brazen attempt to catch Sasuke off his guard, Naruto blurted, “Why did you move to Japan?” In his mind, the question had been, “What happened to your family?” but he edited it at last second. What plausible excuse would Naruto have for knowing even an inkling of Sasuke’s past? The blond couldn’t remember ever asking Sasuke about his life before coming to the United States while they were in middle school.
Still, Sasuke didn’t seem all that surprised by the question. “I had to get away,” he answered as if it were the most common thing in the world. “There were more opportunities for me in the States than there were in Japan.”
“Oh,” Naruto said. Cautiously, he asked, “Do you still have family there?”
There was a slight pause before Sasuke replied, “Yes. An older brother.”
A flashback of the old newspaper clipping, of the Sasuke-esque man being dragged by officers.
“Do you ever visit him?”
It was a normal enough questions, but there was definitely a break in conversation at that. Sasuke turned to look him in the eye now, suspicion apparent in every feature of his face. “How much do you know?”
“Know what?” Naruto replied stupidly. He knew he was caught, but his lips seemed to be refusing to acknowledge that fact.
“Don’t play dumb,” Sasuke snapped. “What is it you know about my family?”
Naruto bit his lip, reluctant to admit that he’d been snooping around in Sasuke’s past, however unintentional it had been. He was also weary of dropping Shino’s name. If someone had kept a clip of something in his personal life that he’d obviously wanted hidden, he’d be pissed as hell. And Sasuke didn’t seem the type to let things go.
“I’ve never lied to you,” Sasuke said suddenly, frowning slightly. Naruto was relieved to find that the older man’s words had lost their dullness. “It would be nice if you would return the favor.”
Naruto scowled. He wasn’t lying. That is, if one didn’t count omission as a lie. Apparently Sasuke did, and unfortunately, he was the one person who mattered. So Naruto told him.
“I really couldn’t understand much, it was all in Japanese,” Naruto muttered. “I saw a picture of you as a kid, and the police dragging some guy who looked like--”
“Shino,” Sasuke said shortly. Hesitantly, Naruto nodded. Sasuke’s eyes snapped away as he snarled to the bed sheets, “I told Shino to burn those.”
“It wasn’t his fault!” Naruto said quickly. “It was just sort of… sitting there. He told me not to look through it, but--”
“Yeah, and I bet he made a real effort to hide it, too.” Naruto didn’t know what to say to that, so he kept quiet. A minute or so passed by before Sasuke started speaking again. “Did Shino tell you the story behind it?”
Naruto shook his head because, technically, it was true. It wasn’t Shino that told him, so… I’m doing it again, aren’t I? I’m lying. Lying by omission. Here he is, practically spilling his guts, and I’m lying to save my own sorry ass, what kind of idiot, what kind of asshole, what kind of monster….
“Do you want to know?”
Naruto figured that Sasuke would tell him, but he hadn’t expected to be asked first. “I want to hear it,” Naruto agreed, although he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to. From the sound of his companion’s voice, the tale was worse than the one Sakura had whispered over the café table barely hours ago. Was it that bad? Would this do even more damage to their already irreparable relationship, more so than Naruto himself had caused?
Sasuke still wasn’t looking at him as he began…