What I've Come To Learn About Disney
After much playing of Kingdom Hearts II, I have to share how I now feel about our beloved Disney characters.
Mickey Mouse - You're not the king for nothing. Seriously, if you have to, PURPOSELY LOSE IN BOSS BATTLES. Mickey is like fucking Yoda from AotC. Sadly, I only got to play as him once, and that was when I lost to Cerberus.
Donald Duck - Your fucking voice is annoying. And you make cool names sound like crap. Seriously, don't ever call Riku or Sephiroth by name again.
Goofy - You almost fucking die, then come back because you're too stupid to die. THAT'S MY MAN! Goofy is one of my favorite Disney characters and I'm glad he didn't die. What would we tell Max?
Minnie Mouse - You're the queen, and with good right. She kicked more Heartless ass than Sora did. Too bad she only gets to fight for that one part.
Daisy Duck - Fuck you. Go suck a dick. Donald risks his ass to save the universe from fucking oblivion, and you bitch that he didn't take you out on a date. Go stuff it, cuntbag.
Master Yen Sid - You're still fucking awesome, after all these years.
Pluto - He wasn't a big role then, not a big role now. But he did save Kairi, so that's gotta count for something.
Chip n' Dale - WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO TALK WHILE I'M FLYING THE GUMMI?!?!?!??! I love you guys, but fucking CHRIST!!!
Pete - Oh, Pete. You lovable dumb bastard. I would have loved to see P.J. come out of nowhere with Max to break up the fighting, thus adding more yaoi undertones to the game.
Maleficent - You just had no point coming back. Blegh, I'm gonna kick your ass Sora. Blah, blah, I need a castle.... Fuck you. You were cool in the first game, but you suck now.
Mulan - Thank you for being in this game. You're just the coolest bitch ever.
Shang - You still suck
Mushu - You were kinda cool still. Not as cool, but yeah.
The Emperor - Pat Morita got in on this before he died. Fucking yes, that rocks ass. Rest in peace, Mr. Miyagi.
Beast - You're still an angry emo bitch. Get over it.
Belle - Eh.... yeah, whatever.
Hercules - You're still a fag.
Phil - You're Hercules' butt-buddy, goat fag.
Meg - You were just a bitch. (What can I say? I don't like Hercules)
Hades - You're the only reason this world was cool. That and you fucking bring back Auron.
Pain and Panic - You don't talk. Good. I could not handle Bobcat Goldwaith's voice.
Aladdin - Still a mad pimp.
Jasmine - Still fucking hot.
Jafar - Why?
Iago - You were only here so that Gilbert Gottfried could make some money.
Genie - You were a bad-ass Summon then. You fucking own now.
Peter Pan - You helped a lot for the Titan cups. You're an okay guy.
Chicken Little - You're fucking annoying, you're kinda useless, but you helped level up my Summon Level a lot, so you're allowed to live.
Stitch - He's fucking Stitch. He's automatically cool. I just wish there was a Lilo and Stitch world.
Ariel - Finny fun? Jesus Christ......
Sebastian - Couldn't you get some Heartless instead of making me sing?
Ursula - Just like the Atlantica level, you were useless and had no point.
Capt. Jack Sparrow - He's Jack Sparrow. He's not Johnny Depp, but he's still Jack Sparrow, and that's fine with me. He's also still a bad-ass
Will Turner - How the fuck did Freeman get to sound so much like Orlando Bloom? He hit that voice dead on.
Elizabeth Swann - You didn't help too much, but you're still hot.
Barbossa - He's cool. Everything about that world was cool.
Tron - YES! This game was an automatic must have because of Tron.
Sark - You're still a pussy-ass old bitch, and you still got owned.
MCP - Heh... I kicked Moses' ass.
Simba - You're the king, but you're an emo king. Seriously, you got some emo mane goin' on there.
Timon and Pumbaa - They're always gonna rock.
Banzai, Shenzi and Ed - They got all their voices back, and they still rock.
Scar - You're just not cool. Not to me, anyways.
Jack - The Nightmare Before Christmas is always gonna own your ass. So will the Pumpkin King. I love Jack, and he's the better replacement for Donald in that game.
Lock, Shock, and Barrel - You three are still pains in my ass.
Oogie Boogie - I don't know if it felt right beating up a fat, braindead retard. Then again, I did fight Pete.....
Winnie the Pooh - I could never hate Pooh. He even gives me a Keyblade this time around. Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood is cool.
Rabbit - Except you. You still suck.
Owl - You're only cool because you have a cousin named Alphonse. And the FMA geek inside loves that.
and last, and certainly least......
Jiminy Cricket - You're a fucking sadistic bastard, a slave driver, and you're soul has been sold to the devil. No amount of Raid could kill you, because you wouldn't die; you're already dead inside. I'd take that journal of yours and cram it right up your ass along with the Moogles.
Mickey Mouse - You're not the king for nothing. Seriously, if you have to, PURPOSELY LOSE IN BOSS BATTLES. Mickey is like fucking Yoda from AotC. Sadly, I only got to play as him once, and that was when I lost to Cerberus.
Donald Duck - Your fucking voice is annoying. And you make cool names sound like crap. Seriously, don't ever call Riku or Sephiroth by name again.
Goofy - You almost fucking die, then come back because you're too stupid to die. THAT'S MY MAN! Goofy is one of my favorite Disney characters and I'm glad he didn't die. What would we tell Max?
Minnie Mouse - You're the queen, and with good right. She kicked more Heartless ass than Sora did. Too bad she only gets to fight for that one part.
Daisy Duck - Fuck you. Go suck a dick. Donald risks his ass to save the universe from fucking oblivion, and you bitch that he didn't take you out on a date. Go stuff it, cuntbag.
Master Yen Sid - You're still fucking awesome, after all these years.
Pluto - He wasn't a big role then, not a big role now. But he did save Kairi, so that's gotta count for something.
Chip n' Dale - WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE TO TALK WHILE I'M FLYING THE GUMMI?!?!?!??! I love you guys, but fucking CHRIST!!!
Pete - Oh, Pete. You lovable dumb bastard. I would have loved to see P.J. come out of nowhere with Max to break up the fighting, thus adding more yaoi undertones to the game.
Maleficent - You just had no point coming back. Blegh, I'm gonna kick your ass Sora. Blah, blah, I need a castle.... Fuck you. You were cool in the first game, but you suck now.
Mulan - Thank you for being in this game. You're just the coolest bitch ever.
Shang - You still suck
Mushu - You were kinda cool still. Not as cool, but yeah.
The Emperor - Pat Morita got in on this before he died. Fucking yes, that rocks ass. Rest in peace, Mr. Miyagi.
Beast - You're still an angry emo bitch. Get over it.
Belle - Eh.... yeah, whatever.
Hercules - You're still a fag.
Phil - You're Hercules' butt-buddy, goat fag.
Meg - You were just a bitch. (What can I say? I don't like Hercules)
Hades - You're the only reason this world was cool. That and you fucking bring back Auron.
Pain and Panic - You don't talk. Good. I could not handle Bobcat Goldwaith's voice.
Aladdin - Still a mad pimp.
Jasmine - Still fucking hot.
Jafar - Why?
Iago - You were only here so that Gilbert Gottfried could make some money.
Genie - You were a bad-ass Summon then. You fucking own now.
Peter Pan - You helped a lot for the Titan cups. You're an okay guy.
Chicken Little - You're fucking annoying, you're kinda useless, but you helped level up my Summon Level a lot, so you're allowed to live.
Stitch - He's fucking Stitch. He's automatically cool. I just wish there was a Lilo and Stitch world.
Ariel - Finny fun? Jesus Christ......
Sebastian - Couldn't you get some Heartless instead of making me sing?
Ursula - Just like the Atlantica level, you were useless and had no point.
Capt. Jack Sparrow - He's Jack Sparrow. He's not Johnny Depp, but he's still Jack Sparrow, and that's fine with me. He's also still a bad-ass
Will Turner - How the fuck did Freeman get to sound so much like Orlando Bloom? He hit that voice dead on.
Elizabeth Swann - You didn't help too much, but you're still hot.
Barbossa - He's cool. Everything about that world was cool.
Tron - YES! This game was an automatic must have because of Tron.
Sark - You're still a pussy-ass old bitch, and you still got owned.
MCP - Heh... I kicked Moses' ass.
Simba - You're the king, but you're an emo king. Seriously, you got some emo mane goin' on there.
Timon and Pumbaa - They're always gonna rock.
Banzai, Shenzi and Ed - They got all their voices back, and they still rock.
Scar - You're just not cool. Not to me, anyways.
Jack - The Nightmare Before Christmas is always gonna own your ass. So will the Pumpkin King. I love Jack, and he's the better replacement for Donald in that game.
Lock, Shock, and Barrel - You three are still pains in my ass.
Oogie Boogie - I don't know if it felt right beating up a fat, braindead retard. Then again, I did fight Pete.....
Winnie the Pooh - I could never hate Pooh. He even gives me a Keyblade this time around. Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood is cool.
Rabbit - Except you. You still suck.
Owl - You're only cool because you have a cousin named Alphonse. And the FMA geek inside loves that.
and last, and certainly least......
Jiminy Cricket - You're a fucking sadistic bastard, a slave driver, and you're soul has been sold to the devil. No amount of Raid could kill you, because you wouldn't die; you're already dead inside. I'd take that journal of yours and cram it right up your ass along with the Moogles.