Growing Gracefully- Adult (6/7)
Title: Growing Gracefully
Pairings: USUK
Rating: T
Warnings: Mentions of sexual situations and an OC
Summary: Alfred and Arthur tackle parenthood, and so much more. (Hospital Flowers sequel.)
This chapter: They try to fix everything.
It had been three months, but it felt longer. I wandered to and from work in a haze. Counseling had begun and it hadn't been fun. I yelled a lot and Alfred cried often. The stress was heavy on him. I always left never feeling satisfied with anything that had transpired during our sessions. I hated making Alfred cry. It was never fair because if he cried, I felt I had no right to do the same. So, I waited until I got to the hotel at night to collapse and cry, even if we didn't have counseling that day. It felt like the only way to relieve myself.
Our counselor asked to see us at one-on-one session as well. Those were almost harder on me. Ellie, our counselor, was a kind woman, but she was stern and had a fierce inability to approve of selfishness in a marriage. There was a hardly a time I didn't leave her office thinking I was selfish. However, she made me realize quite a few things about myself; things that I knew would greatly help in my relationship with Alfred. But I was still so wounded that I never got up the courage to talk to him about it outside of counseling.
Three months was important. That was when Alfred left me flowers at the hotel front desk. It was when I realized we were both still in love, and yet we were both in such pain.I had been in the hotel for six months now. Alfred's birthday had passed and fall was trying to push through the scorching summer with little success. I had agreed to join Alfred and Grace at the fire station for a birthday party. I had even bought Alfred a gift. Grace seemed happy to see us together, but it was hard on me. I watched from the sidelines as Alfred talked with his friends, but never smiled and never laughed. It was as if I were watching a robot that only had the face of Alfred.
Shortly after that, I tried to be happier, and to improve on the things Ellie had pointed out to me that would help ease the complications in our relationships. She suggested that I take more time to be by myself so that I could reminisce about my past actions without outside influence. It helped me come to some conclusions that I knew would help in the long run.
However, progress was slow. Alfred was willing to change, that much I could see, but he was tired. Every time I saw him I could clearly see his spirit breaking. Unlike me, he didn't have much free time to contemplate the situation. It was comforting to know that because he was captain now he didn't have to go into fires, but that wasn't always easy on his nerves. During a session he admitted that he was under great stress because his decisions determined if a man lived or died. With his annual mourning for Matthew, I could only imagine how scared he was of such a thing happening to another firefighter.
That was when the guilt began to weigh heavily on me. Alfred had lost his father shortly before my departure, and now controlled an entire fire house as well as care for our daughter and come to counseling once or twice a week. In comparison, I had it easy. That, in turn, made me resentful and angry towards myself. My happiness was short lived.
One night in mid-September I stumbled to the hotel emotionally drained from a one-on-one session with Ellie. Today's had been about my revelation about the guilt I had about my leaving Alfred during such a harsh time in his life. Needless to say, I was burnt out. I wondered how much longer I could endure.
Suddenly, there was a knocking at my door. I ignored it and curled my knees to my chest. If I closed my eyes, maybe it would go away. My head pounded until it was all I could focus on. The soft bed slipped away, and along with it went the little hope of happiness I could cling to. It started as a soft sob, but then became hysterics, and I covered my mouth as I cried into the pillow. A gnawing pain in the side ate away at reason, spreading guilt, regret, foolishness, and utter loneliness through-out my being. It seized me on all sides until I couldn't breathe. What felt like hours were only seconds as there came another knock on my door.
I moved the pillow from my face and shouted, "Go away! The sign says do not disturb!"
There was another knock. I jumped out of bed as rage boiled up at the intrusion. My solitude was being threatened. My self-deprecation would have to wait until I had privacy.
I flung open the door, ready to yell, but stopped when I saw Alfred. He was holding a bouquet of roses and dressed awfully nice. He'd even combed his hair and worn cologne. But he smiled nervously and fidgeted in a way that showed he was scared. I simmered instantly.
"A-Alfred?" I stammered.
"…Hi," he said softly.
"Hello… What are you doing here?" I glanced at the roses and his suit. "You look like you're ready to go on a date."
"Y-yeah… Hopefully… Um, but I bought you some flowers."
I took them and felt the first twitches of a smile lift the corners of my lips. "Oh… They are quite lovely, but I don't have a vase…"
Alfred pulled a glass vase from behind his back and smiled at me. He truly smiled. I saw a flicker of a light in his blue eyes that affected my heart. It fluttered.
"Oh…you clever boy." I smiled in return and took the vase. I moved to the bathroom just off of the door to get some water for the roses. Alfred hovered by the door, unsure if he should come in or not. "Well, who are you going to go on a date with?"
In truth, I knew it was me. Alfred was never good at surprises, but I liked to pretend he was. I enjoyed when he was playful and when I could slip into the same mindset. He wouldn't come to me with roses and then announce he was dating someone else. He wouldn't go to the trouble of couple's counseling only to give up when we'd made such progress. And yet, I still had that moment of horror at what could happen if he really was dating someone new.
I don't think I'd like that.
Alfred's happiness was of great value to me. If he was ready to move on from me to find someone who could handle his heart better, then who was I to be in the way? But, I learned these past months that I was done making my own happiness suffer so. I wanted to be happy too, and I knew with just one split-second thought of Alfred dating another that I would not let him go.
I still loved him, and he was still my husband in my heart.
"Um…you…if you'll have me, that is." I turned off the faucet and looked at Alfred seriously. He was pulling at his tie and watching me nervously. "I thought, maybe, ya know, dinner and a walk…"
I came over to help fix his tie. He had moved it out of place. He looked so handsome that I had to be closer, know for a fact he was right here and asking me out on a date again after fifteen years of there not being a date.
"Wait for me in the lobby so that I may shower and dress for the occasion. I shall be down shortly."
I will never forget how relieved and elated Alfred looked that night. For the first time in over a year I felt that I had actually done something of value.
We kept it light. We never talked about things concerning our relationship. Alfred asked about my speeches, but seeing as how I was a headliner activist for the anti-Prop 13 protests and for the pro-Prop 20 speeches, it wasn't anything he hadn't read or heard before. Still, he wanted to know. I asked about the firemen and about Grace. Her new school was much better for her. Ever since she had joined a club, she had found much more honest friends that were not disgusted by her parents and did not think their sexuality reflected on Grace.
I even heard she had a boyfriend.
"How did you take it?" I asked Alfred with a teasing tone. "Did you pull the shotgun on him?"
Alfred laughed. It was the first time that night, and my heart fluttered again. "I haven't met him yet. I plan on doing it and scaring the shit out of him. He ain't gettin' my little girl so easily."
I chuckled as I sipped at my wine. "Yes, well, I would like to meet this boy as well. He must pass the papa test."
Alfred smiled, and then put a hand on mine. I looked at the hand and then to him. He lowered his voice, "I'd like you to be there when she introduces him to us."
I could only nod. Suddenly my entire body had warmed to the very tip of my head. Alfred smiled more. I'm sure he noticed my blush.
He took me home after a brisk walk in the park. It was a crisp night and I had an early morning the next day. Also, I never liked Alfred being out late in case he didn't have a restful sleep from emergencies during the night. He escorted me all the way up to my room, and I was struck by how similar this ending was to our first real date. Back then, he looked at me in such a pathetic way that begged for a kiss, I gave in easily. Where was my gentlemanly hold on myself? I do not kiss on the first date.
But…
"This was good," Alfred commented. He kissed my knuckles and flashed a smile up at me. "Can we do it again…?"
"May we, it's may we, Alfred," I said automatically, effectively killing the romantic mood he was trying to drop on us.
Alfred chuckled. He straightened up and, instead of saying anything, he leaned in and kissed my cheek. He whispered by my ear, "You're still so cute…"
I stepped back, hitting my back against the door, as I put a hand to my chest. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I began to cry. Alfred was startled and took a few steps back as well.
"I-I'm sorry! Did I scare you?! I didn't mean to!"
I shook my head, unable to speak once more. Oh, to hell with this, I thought. I want my happiness. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want all of this to be over. He's been making all of the first moves in trying to repair us, and now I need to show him he's doing a stand up job.
I flung myself onto Alfred and held him tightly. It was what I needed more than anything then. I just wanted to feel Alfred hold me and for me to hold him. I needed to be so close to him I could feel his heart racing and hear him breathing near my ear. But, more than anything, I want him to feel it too. His body language had suggested all night long that he wanted to be close to me and to be reminded that I was still here. I was fighting for us too.
He sighed loudly and deflated. It was as if a small weight of the pain he shouldered had finally lifted. It wasn't much, but it was something, and I was glad I was able to give what he wanted. He shook as he held me tightly to his chest. There was a small hiccup of him crying, but I made no mention of it. He needed a quiet release here.
"I…I still love you," I whispered. His breath hitched. I gripped his suit tightly. "I do… I… I'm so sorry for…what I did to you… You did not deserve it…"
Alfred pulled away, shaking his head, and I could see his glasses were askew and he was crying, but he was still smiling. I don't think even he realized he was smiling so widely. "No. Let's not talk about this here. It's been a great night and I just… It's been perfect."
"Then…may we go on another date together?" I asked. "Tomorrow…?"
Alfred nodded vigorously. He wiped at my face. I must have cried a little too, but I did not care. Something finally felt good in this slum of a grey world.
We parted a short moment later. I fell against the door and clutched at my chest. I was smiling unabashedly. A tidal wave of ecstasy and elation overtook my body. My legs began to shake and I was even laughing. Outside of my door, however, I heard someone jumping and making soft yelps of joy. I peered through my peephole.
Alfred was dancing in the hallway. I laughed loudly, and he jumped, looking back at my door. He blushed, but I kept laughing.
"Go home, you git!"
Alfred stuck his tongue out at me, and then left. We deserved those precious moments to be so open together. It wasn't better just like that and I didn't feel we had made any significant headway, but we had moved forward. Now, Alfred knew he wasn't in this alone.It had been a month after that when I invited Alfred back to the hotel room. Ellie saw an improvement in our sessions, much to her relief and our happiness. We were communicating better and left in higher spirits. When Alfred confessed to her that we'd begun dating again, she praised us for our efforts. It was truly uplifting to know that we weren't rushing into anything, but that we were making smart decisions to be adults and grow together.
Our sessions had decreased in number, but our dates had increased. Alfred began texting me during the day and I started back up my old tradition of visiting him at his job. The firefighters were pleased to see me again, even if a few were new faces or were still quite standoffish with me after our separation. Alfred now had an office. I complimented him on his accomplishments. When he was out to get me some water I noticed he had a picture of me on his desk next to a family photograph. I touched the photo of our family. Dad was still alive then.
The night Alfred came home with me, I fell onto the bed and opened myself to him. He was everywhere on me, his tongue and hands and teeth marking their territory once more and rediscovering those hidden places that made me gasp and moan. I kissed him hotly, gripping at his shoulders as he prepared me with a frenzied pace. There was no finesse in our sex. It had been almost two years since we had made love.
That is a sin.
He thrust into me like he was twenty again and this was our first time. I was loud, uncaring if anyone could hear my pleasure. We watched each other, keeping the light on as we moved together, and I fell in love all over again. He was so beautiful that night. It was like we had been reborn.
"I…love you…," he panted. He leaned down to kiss my lips sweetly.
I gave him another short kiss and whispered, "I love you too…"
After we had climaxed, Alfred rolled to the side and pulled me to his chest. I molded myself to his side. My orgasm pulsated around my entire being. How different it had been a month ago when I was overcome with such depression I couldn't stop crying. Now, I was filled with Alfred and he was here and we were together and things looked bright in our future.
But there were still things to fix.
"I should have told you more how much I loved you," I said after a time. "I took you for granted… If I had been less demanding of your attention and more…loving towards you and Grace, perhaps this could have been avoided. It's no wonder you suspected I had left you by my mistreatment of you. I should have told you… Should have been better…"
Alfred sat up in bed with a furrowed brow. "Hey now, what did Ellie say about blaming?"
I shook my head as a sob bubbled up in my throat. "But…it's true… You go to work and save lives and put your own in danger, and then go home and take care of our daughter and deal with your father's death and my abandonment alone, and then go to counseling to try and fix all of this."
Alfred pulled me to sitting. I thought he might slap me, and briefly I felt I needed it. I was bordering pathetic by this point.
"Listen, I can handle it," he said sternly. I looked up at him with watery eyes, knowing full well I looked a right mess. He was smiling reassuringly. He had color back in that face of his and seemed like a strong man again. He had aged, yes, but he was still so beautiful and wonderful. "I really can. I'm a tough guy. I've got thick skin. Am I sad about you and dad? Yeah, of course. I love you two. But your leaving is so different from dad's death. And don't worry about Grace. She's strong too. We support each other. I at least have her. You're here alone. It's you I worry about."
I looked down at the bed sheets as I contemplated what I would say next. I recalled a time Ellie and I had talked during a session about when I stopped loving Alfred. It hadn't occurred to me that I had before I left, but Ellie was the one to point it out.
"I stopped loving you…," I admitted. "I…was in love with the idea of loving you. I…didn't want to say anything because I wanted to keep the status quo. I was scared of losing that. So I let it continue, I let you keep quiet and I let myself stay out of this because of that… I think…you were the same way… That's why you were convinced you were still in love with me when it all came to a head…"
Alfred dropped his hands to mine. I watched as his hands played with mine until I turned them over so we could entwine our fingers. I chuckled pitifully.
"Why do you love me…? I'm just…"
"Stop it," Alfred said sternly again. "I mean it. That isn't healthy. And don't compare. Ellie said it's detrimental to change. You can't compare how you're dealing with this situation to how I'm dealing. I know you feel regret over leaving and think you should have stayed for me and Grace, but you did what you felt was best. You had to leave. I don't blame you. It probably would have been worse had you stayed. You'd be in more pain and we'd argue more if you did. We couldn't have done that to our daughter, or each other. But…"
Alfred sighed. He pressed his face to my forehead. I could feel him breathing harder as he spoke. I think he was rattled by all I was saying. It was hard for us to take, but I knew we were making progress again.
"It was also my fault. I should have known… All that time I pushed you away…you never once thought I was cheating on you… You're better than me there… I jumped to conclusions and never just asked you. I guess I was like you said…just in love with the idea of loving you…because if I did love you, I'd trust you and I would have talked to you.
"That night when I came home and…all of your clothes were gone from the closet… That's when I knew I'd fight for you. That's when I told myself that I did love you… because I would work my ass off to get all of those clothes back in the closet. I did take you for granted, Arthur. I expected you to be like…like my little wife… No, like a maid. To take care of us… And then I forced you out into situations you were uncomfortable with for my own satisfaction. So I could tell myself you were doing something, when you were doing something for us all along…"
I lifted my head and put our foreheads together. Alfred's face was twisted in such remorse and pain. He had his eyes closed and his brow furrowed. I closed my own eyes. In a way, I was trying to absorb some of that pain. Trying to suck it from his head right there, get those horrible ideas out of his head, and to meld them with my own destructive thoughts in an attempt to have them zap each other right out of existence.
"We have to change. This can't stay the same," I said. "We're different…better… Now we must think that way… I cannot take another day thinking I am ugly and worthless… I love you…"
Alfred opened his eyes. He cupped my face with his hands and looked into my eyes when I opened them. "You're as beautiful as the first day I saw you."
I frowned at this. "Alfred, that's horrible. I was in the hospital with two fractured legs and burns and bruises. How could you think that's beautiful?"
"What? Oh no!" Alfred chuckled. He kissed my nose quickly before continuing. "Not that day. That's the first day I met you. The first day I saw you was the first day I knew who you were as a person. That you were kind and wonderful and smart and so beautiful, and I told myself there's no one else I want to be with. That's the first day I saw you…"
I didn't know what to say to that. I began to cry, but it was in happiness.
We would be okay.
"Come home," Alfred whispered as he kissed away my tears.
It took only a few more weeks to make sure everything was set in place. We said our farewells to Ellie and thanked her for all she had done. I paid off my huge hotel bill and made sure it was clean before leaving. We didn't tell Grace, but we did tell Nancy, my PR agent, and the fire station. Alfred came by the hotel one last night before I left to make love to me however I wanted, but it was me who pleasured him that night.
I came home the next morning before Grace woke up. Alfred made me tea while I put my clothes back in the closet.
Grace came out of her bedroom a short while later to see me and Alfred having tea at the kitchen table. We were talking casually with each other. She stopped short and burst into tears.
"Papa's home," Alfred said happily.
Grace rushed into my arms and I held her. Alfred joined us and put his arms around me and Grace in a tight squeeze. It had all changed. The pain was gone, replaced with a tentative hope that this would continue to stay wonderful. That we could stay a family. That love was really all we needed.It was November now, and my birthday was only a few days away. Alfred had treated me like a Queen upon my return home, and I in turn treated him like my King. We were gentler towards one another and continued our dates every week. We resumed Taco Tuesdays with our daughter and tried to bring back board game nights, but sometimes we also played video games.
We were all closer in general. Alfred and Grace accompanied me to the final speech protest about Prop 13. It had come down to the wire, and yesterday was the final decision on whether or not it would go through. If it passed, same-sex marriage would be illegal. If it didn't pass, then there was a chance Prop 20 could pass and make same-sex legal. It was a late proposition that came into play in direct retaliation of Prop 13's arrival. I was more involved with Prop 13 protests that I hardly noticed anything about Prop 20 for the most part.
It was a quarter to five in the morning when my mobile rang. We jumped awake, thinking it was another emergency. It was Alfred's mother. Neither of us knew why she had called my phone, so I let Alfred answer. Perhaps we just hadn't heard her ring on his phone.
"Hello, mom?! Mom, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Alfred looked surprised after a moment. "Huh? The T.V.? Um, no. It's not even five here yet. Um, okay. I'll call you back then."
Alfred hung up and looked at my phone oddly. "She wants us to turn on CNN. I think something happened."
"Oh dear, I hope it's nothing horrible."
We both got out of bed quickly and rushed to the living room. I turned on the television and quickly changed the channel to CNN. Scenes of people celebrating in the streets of San Francisco and Los Angeles flashed on the screen, people waving the rainbow flag and same-sex couples kissing. Words at the bottom of the screen read that not only had Prop 13 been defeated, but that Prop 20 had passed. Same-sex marriage was now legal in California.
I had to sit. It was real. This was truly happening. We could be a legally recognized married couple now.
Alfred ran from the room. I continued to watch the screen, barely paying attention as the announcer's discussed the prop passing. I remember feeling numb that morning, as if everything we had endured had come to a head to this very moment.
Alfred came back into the room holding a box. He muted the T.V. and took my hand as he dropped to a knee before me. I was crying and he could barely speak, but he was persistent.
"I want to propose," he said. "So that you know it's real this time and there's nothing spontaneous. I really mean this. Arthur Kirkland, we have worked so hard to be together and I just… I… I forgot what I was going to say."
I started laughing. I wiped my tears and hugged Alfred to my chest. "Yes…just yes… I will marry you."
He climbed up onto the couch to hug me. We kept the television on mute as we lay on the couch. I wanted to just feel this moment last forever. I couldn't help but enjoy my life settling into place. Alfred was my husband, legally.
"We needed this…," Alfred murmured.
I could only nod. I couldn't wait to tell Grace. The first thing I did was take a picture of my ring and post it on twitter with the caption, "It's real this time. No one can take this away from us.Hoshiko2's cents: There is one chapter left. I hope you guys like what's to come. I apologize for not updating yesterday. I was at the Renaissance Faire a lot longer than I thought I'd be, and was unable to update. Better late than never, right? And thank you for all of the amazing reviews I've been getting. I appreciate it, even if I'm slow to reply.
Pairings: USUK
Rating: T
Warnings: Mentions of sexual situations and an OC
Summary: Alfred and Arthur tackle parenthood, and so much more. (Hospital Flowers sequel.)
This chapter: They try to fix everything.
It had been three months, but it felt longer. I wandered to and from work in a haze. Counseling had begun and it hadn't been fun. I yelled a lot and Alfred cried often. The stress was heavy on him. I always left never feeling satisfied with anything that had transpired during our sessions. I hated making Alfred cry. It was never fair because if he cried, I felt I had no right to do the same. So, I waited until I got to the hotel at night to collapse and cry, even if we didn't have counseling that day. It felt like the only way to relieve myself.
Our counselor asked to see us at one-on-one session as well. Those were almost harder on me. Ellie, our counselor, was a kind woman, but she was stern and had a fierce inability to approve of selfishness in a marriage. There was a hardly a time I didn't leave her office thinking I was selfish. However, she made me realize quite a few things about myself; things that I knew would greatly help in my relationship with Alfred. But I was still so wounded that I never got up the courage to talk to him about it outside of counseling.
Three months was important. That was when Alfred left me flowers at the hotel front desk. It was when I realized we were both still in love, and yet we were both in such pain.I had been in the hotel for six months now. Alfred's birthday had passed and fall was trying to push through the scorching summer with little success. I had agreed to join Alfred and Grace at the fire station for a birthday party. I had even bought Alfred a gift. Grace seemed happy to see us together, but it was hard on me. I watched from the sidelines as Alfred talked with his friends, but never smiled and never laughed. It was as if I were watching a robot that only had the face of Alfred.
Shortly after that, I tried to be happier, and to improve on the things Ellie had pointed out to me that would help ease the complications in our relationships. She suggested that I take more time to be by myself so that I could reminisce about my past actions without outside influence. It helped me come to some conclusions that I knew would help in the long run.
However, progress was slow. Alfred was willing to change, that much I could see, but he was tired. Every time I saw him I could clearly see his spirit breaking. Unlike me, he didn't have much free time to contemplate the situation. It was comforting to know that because he was captain now he didn't have to go into fires, but that wasn't always easy on his nerves. During a session he admitted that he was under great stress because his decisions determined if a man lived or died. With his annual mourning for Matthew, I could only imagine how scared he was of such a thing happening to another firefighter.
That was when the guilt began to weigh heavily on me. Alfred had lost his father shortly before my departure, and now controlled an entire fire house as well as care for our daughter and come to counseling once or twice a week. In comparison, I had it easy. That, in turn, made me resentful and angry towards myself. My happiness was short lived.
One night in mid-September I stumbled to the hotel emotionally drained from a one-on-one session with Ellie. Today's had been about my revelation about the guilt I had about my leaving Alfred during such a harsh time in his life. Needless to say, I was burnt out. I wondered how much longer I could endure.
Suddenly, there was a knocking at my door. I ignored it and curled my knees to my chest. If I closed my eyes, maybe it would go away. My head pounded until it was all I could focus on. The soft bed slipped away, and along with it went the little hope of happiness I could cling to. It started as a soft sob, but then became hysterics, and I covered my mouth as I cried into the pillow. A gnawing pain in the side ate away at reason, spreading guilt, regret, foolishness, and utter loneliness through-out my being. It seized me on all sides until I couldn't breathe. What felt like hours were only seconds as there came another knock on my door.
I moved the pillow from my face and shouted, "Go away! The sign says do not disturb!"
There was another knock. I jumped out of bed as rage boiled up at the intrusion. My solitude was being threatened. My self-deprecation would have to wait until I had privacy.
I flung open the door, ready to yell, but stopped when I saw Alfred. He was holding a bouquet of roses and dressed awfully nice. He'd even combed his hair and worn cologne. But he smiled nervously and fidgeted in a way that showed he was scared. I simmered instantly.
"A-Alfred?" I stammered.
"…Hi," he said softly.
"Hello… What are you doing here?" I glanced at the roses and his suit. "You look like you're ready to go on a date."
"Y-yeah… Hopefully… Um, but I bought you some flowers."
I took them and felt the first twitches of a smile lift the corners of my lips. "Oh… They are quite lovely, but I don't have a vase…"
Alfred pulled a glass vase from behind his back and smiled at me. He truly smiled. I saw a flicker of a light in his blue eyes that affected my heart. It fluttered.
"Oh…you clever boy." I smiled in return and took the vase. I moved to the bathroom just off of the door to get some water for the roses. Alfred hovered by the door, unsure if he should come in or not. "Well, who are you going to go on a date with?"
In truth, I knew it was me. Alfred was never good at surprises, but I liked to pretend he was. I enjoyed when he was playful and when I could slip into the same mindset. He wouldn't come to me with roses and then announce he was dating someone else. He wouldn't go to the trouble of couple's counseling only to give up when we'd made such progress. And yet, I still had that moment of horror at what could happen if he really was dating someone new.
I don't think I'd like that.
Alfred's happiness was of great value to me. If he was ready to move on from me to find someone who could handle his heart better, then who was I to be in the way? But, I learned these past months that I was done making my own happiness suffer so. I wanted to be happy too, and I knew with just one split-second thought of Alfred dating another that I would not let him go.
I still loved him, and he was still my husband in my heart.
"Um…you…if you'll have me, that is." I turned off the faucet and looked at Alfred seriously. He was pulling at his tie and watching me nervously. "I thought, maybe, ya know, dinner and a walk…"
I came over to help fix his tie. He had moved it out of place. He looked so handsome that I had to be closer, know for a fact he was right here and asking me out on a date again after fifteen years of there not being a date.
"Wait for me in the lobby so that I may shower and dress for the occasion. I shall be down shortly."
I will never forget how relieved and elated Alfred looked that night. For the first time in over a year I felt that I had actually done something of value.
We kept it light. We never talked about things concerning our relationship. Alfred asked about my speeches, but seeing as how I was a headliner activist for the anti-Prop 13 protests and for the pro-Prop 20 speeches, it wasn't anything he hadn't read or heard before. Still, he wanted to know. I asked about the firemen and about Grace. Her new school was much better for her. Ever since she had joined a club, she had found much more honest friends that were not disgusted by her parents and did not think their sexuality reflected on Grace.
I even heard she had a boyfriend.
"How did you take it?" I asked Alfred with a teasing tone. "Did you pull the shotgun on him?"
Alfred laughed. It was the first time that night, and my heart fluttered again. "I haven't met him yet. I plan on doing it and scaring the shit out of him. He ain't gettin' my little girl so easily."
I chuckled as I sipped at my wine. "Yes, well, I would like to meet this boy as well. He must pass the papa test."
Alfred smiled, and then put a hand on mine. I looked at the hand and then to him. He lowered his voice, "I'd like you to be there when she introduces him to us."
I could only nod. Suddenly my entire body had warmed to the very tip of my head. Alfred smiled more. I'm sure he noticed my blush.
He took me home after a brisk walk in the park. It was a crisp night and I had an early morning the next day. Also, I never liked Alfred being out late in case he didn't have a restful sleep from emergencies during the night. He escorted me all the way up to my room, and I was struck by how similar this ending was to our first real date. Back then, he looked at me in such a pathetic way that begged for a kiss, I gave in easily. Where was my gentlemanly hold on myself? I do not kiss on the first date.
But…
"This was good," Alfred commented. He kissed my knuckles and flashed a smile up at me. "Can we do it again…?"
"May we, it's may we, Alfred," I said automatically, effectively killing the romantic mood he was trying to drop on us.
Alfred chuckled. He straightened up and, instead of saying anything, he leaned in and kissed my cheek. He whispered by my ear, "You're still so cute…"
I stepped back, hitting my back against the door, as I put a hand to my chest. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. I began to cry. Alfred was startled and took a few steps back as well.
"I-I'm sorry! Did I scare you?! I didn't mean to!"
I shook my head, unable to speak once more. Oh, to hell with this, I thought. I want my happiness. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want all of this to be over. He's been making all of the first moves in trying to repair us, and now I need to show him he's doing a stand up job.
I flung myself onto Alfred and held him tightly. It was what I needed more than anything then. I just wanted to feel Alfred hold me and for me to hold him. I needed to be so close to him I could feel his heart racing and hear him breathing near my ear. But, more than anything, I want him to feel it too. His body language had suggested all night long that he wanted to be close to me and to be reminded that I was still here. I was fighting for us too.
He sighed loudly and deflated. It was as if a small weight of the pain he shouldered had finally lifted. It wasn't much, but it was something, and I was glad I was able to give what he wanted. He shook as he held me tightly to his chest. There was a small hiccup of him crying, but I made no mention of it. He needed a quiet release here.
"I…I still love you," I whispered. His breath hitched. I gripped his suit tightly. "I do… I… I'm so sorry for…what I did to you… You did not deserve it…"
Alfred pulled away, shaking his head, and I could see his glasses were askew and he was crying, but he was still smiling. I don't think even he realized he was smiling so widely. "No. Let's not talk about this here. It's been a great night and I just… It's been perfect."
"Then…may we go on another date together?" I asked. "Tomorrow…?"
Alfred nodded vigorously. He wiped at my face. I must have cried a little too, but I did not care. Something finally felt good in this slum of a grey world.
We parted a short moment later. I fell against the door and clutched at my chest. I was smiling unabashedly. A tidal wave of ecstasy and elation overtook my body. My legs began to shake and I was even laughing. Outside of my door, however, I heard someone jumping and making soft yelps of joy. I peered through my peephole.
Alfred was dancing in the hallway. I laughed loudly, and he jumped, looking back at my door. He blushed, but I kept laughing.
"Go home, you git!"
Alfred stuck his tongue out at me, and then left. We deserved those precious moments to be so open together. It wasn't better just like that and I didn't feel we had made any significant headway, but we had moved forward. Now, Alfred knew he wasn't in this alone.It had been a month after that when I invited Alfred back to the hotel room. Ellie saw an improvement in our sessions, much to her relief and our happiness. We were communicating better and left in higher spirits. When Alfred confessed to her that we'd begun dating again, she praised us for our efforts. It was truly uplifting to know that we weren't rushing into anything, but that we were making smart decisions to be adults and grow together.
Our sessions had decreased in number, but our dates had increased. Alfred began texting me during the day and I started back up my old tradition of visiting him at his job. The firefighters were pleased to see me again, even if a few were new faces or were still quite standoffish with me after our separation. Alfred now had an office. I complimented him on his accomplishments. When he was out to get me some water I noticed he had a picture of me on his desk next to a family photograph. I touched the photo of our family. Dad was still alive then.
The night Alfred came home with me, I fell onto the bed and opened myself to him. He was everywhere on me, his tongue and hands and teeth marking their territory once more and rediscovering those hidden places that made me gasp and moan. I kissed him hotly, gripping at his shoulders as he prepared me with a frenzied pace. There was no finesse in our sex. It had been almost two years since we had made love.
That is a sin.
He thrust into me like he was twenty again and this was our first time. I was loud, uncaring if anyone could hear my pleasure. We watched each other, keeping the light on as we moved together, and I fell in love all over again. He was so beautiful that night. It was like we had been reborn.
"I…love you…," he panted. He leaned down to kiss my lips sweetly.
I gave him another short kiss and whispered, "I love you too…"
After we had climaxed, Alfred rolled to the side and pulled me to his chest. I molded myself to his side. My orgasm pulsated around my entire being. How different it had been a month ago when I was overcome with such depression I couldn't stop crying. Now, I was filled with Alfred and he was here and we were together and things looked bright in our future.
But there were still things to fix.
"I should have told you more how much I loved you," I said after a time. "I took you for granted… If I had been less demanding of your attention and more…loving towards you and Grace, perhaps this could have been avoided. It's no wonder you suspected I had left you by my mistreatment of you. I should have told you… Should have been better…"
Alfred sat up in bed with a furrowed brow. "Hey now, what did Ellie say about blaming?"
I shook my head as a sob bubbled up in my throat. "But…it's true… You go to work and save lives and put your own in danger, and then go home and take care of our daughter and deal with your father's death and my abandonment alone, and then go to counseling to try and fix all of this."
Alfred pulled me to sitting. I thought he might slap me, and briefly I felt I needed it. I was bordering pathetic by this point.
"Listen, I can handle it," he said sternly. I looked up at him with watery eyes, knowing full well I looked a right mess. He was smiling reassuringly. He had color back in that face of his and seemed like a strong man again. He had aged, yes, but he was still so beautiful and wonderful. "I really can. I'm a tough guy. I've got thick skin. Am I sad about you and dad? Yeah, of course. I love you two. But your leaving is so different from dad's death. And don't worry about Grace. She's strong too. We support each other. I at least have her. You're here alone. It's you I worry about."
I looked down at the bed sheets as I contemplated what I would say next. I recalled a time Ellie and I had talked during a session about when I stopped loving Alfred. It hadn't occurred to me that I had before I left, but Ellie was the one to point it out.
"I stopped loving you…," I admitted. "I…was in love with the idea of loving you. I…didn't want to say anything because I wanted to keep the status quo. I was scared of losing that. So I let it continue, I let you keep quiet and I let myself stay out of this because of that… I think…you were the same way… That's why you were convinced you were still in love with me when it all came to a head…"
Alfred dropped his hands to mine. I watched as his hands played with mine until I turned them over so we could entwine our fingers. I chuckled pitifully.
"Why do you love me…? I'm just…"
"Stop it," Alfred said sternly again. "I mean it. That isn't healthy. And don't compare. Ellie said it's detrimental to change. You can't compare how you're dealing with this situation to how I'm dealing. I know you feel regret over leaving and think you should have stayed for me and Grace, but you did what you felt was best. You had to leave. I don't blame you. It probably would have been worse had you stayed. You'd be in more pain and we'd argue more if you did. We couldn't have done that to our daughter, or each other. But…"
Alfred sighed. He pressed his face to my forehead. I could feel him breathing harder as he spoke. I think he was rattled by all I was saying. It was hard for us to take, but I knew we were making progress again.
"It was also my fault. I should have known… All that time I pushed you away…you never once thought I was cheating on you… You're better than me there… I jumped to conclusions and never just asked you. I guess I was like you said…just in love with the idea of loving you…because if I did love you, I'd trust you and I would have talked to you.
"That night when I came home and…all of your clothes were gone from the closet… That's when I knew I'd fight for you. That's when I told myself that I did love you… because I would work my ass off to get all of those clothes back in the closet. I did take you for granted, Arthur. I expected you to be like…like my little wife… No, like a maid. To take care of us… And then I forced you out into situations you were uncomfortable with for my own satisfaction. So I could tell myself you were doing something, when you were doing something for us all along…"
I lifted my head and put our foreheads together. Alfred's face was twisted in such remorse and pain. He had his eyes closed and his brow furrowed. I closed my own eyes. In a way, I was trying to absorb some of that pain. Trying to suck it from his head right there, get those horrible ideas out of his head, and to meld them with my own destructive thoughts in an attempt to have them zap each other right out of existence.
"We have to change. This can't stay the same," I said. "We're different…better… Now we must think that way… I cannot take another day thinking I am ugly and worthless… I love you…"
Alfred opened his eyes. He cupped my face with his hands and looked into my eyes when I opened them. "You're as beautiful as the first day I saw you."
I frowned at this. "Alfred, that's horrible. I was in the hospital with two fractured legs and burns and bruises. How could you think that's beautiful?"
"What? Oh no!" Alfred chuckled. He kissed my nose quickly before continuing. "Not that day. That's the first day I met you. The first day I saw you was the first day I knew who you were as a person. That you were kind and wonderful and smart and so beautiful, and I told myself there's no one else I want to be with. That's the first day I saw you…"
I didn't know what to say to that. I began to cry, but it was in happiness.
We would be okay.
"Come home," Alfred whispered as he kissed away my tears.
It took only a few more weeks to make sure everything was set in place. We said our farewells to Ellie and thanked her for all she had done. I paid off my huge hotel bill and made sure it was clean before leaving. We didn't tell Grace, but we did tell Nancy, my PR agent, and the fire station. Alfred came by the hotel one last night before I left to make love to me however I wanted, but it was me who pleasured him that night.
I came home the next morning before Grace woke up. Alfred made me tea while I put my clothes back in the closet.
Grace came out of her bedroom a short while later to see me and Alfred having tea at the kitchen table. We were talking casually with each other. She stopped short and burst into tears.
"Papa's home," Alfred said happily.
Grace rushed into my arms and I held her. Alfred joined us and put his arms around me and Grace in a tight squeeze. It had all changed. The pain was gone, replaced with a tentative hope that this would continue to stay wonderful. That we could stay a family. That love was really all we needed.It was November now, and my birthday was only a few days away. Alfred had treated me like a Queen upon my return home, and I in turn treated him like my King. We were gentler towards one another and continued our dates every week. We resumed Taco Tuesdays with our daughter and tried to bring back board game nights, but sometimes we also played video games.
We were all closer in general. Alfred and Grace accompanied me to the final speech protest about Prop 13. It had come down to the wire, and yesterday was the final decision on whether or not it would go through. If it passed, same-sex marriage would be illegal. If it didn't pass, then there was a chance Prop 20 could pass and make same-sex legal. It was a late proposition that came into play in direct retaliation of Prop 13's arrival. I was more involved with Prop 13 protests that I hardly noticed anything about Prop 20 for the most part.
It was a quarter to five in the morning when my mobile rang. We jumped awake, thinking it was another emergency. It was Alfred's mother. Neither of us knew why she had called my phone, so I let Alfred answer. Perhaps we just hadn't heard her ring on his phone.
"Hello, mom?! Mom, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Alfred looked surprised after a moment. "Huh? The T.V.? Um, no. It's not even five here yet. Um, okay. I'll call you back then."
Alfred hung up and looked at my phone oddly. "She wants us to turn on CNN. I think something happened."
"Oh dear, I hope it's nothing horrible."
We both got out of bed quickly and rushed to the living room. I turned on the television and quickly changed the channel to CNN. Scenes of people celebrating in the streets of San Francisco and Los Angeles flashed on the screen, people waving the rainbow flag and same-sex couples kissing. Words at the bottom of the screen read that not only had Prop 13 been defeated, but that Prop 20 had passed. Same-sex marriage was now legal in California.
I had to sit. It was real. This was truly happening. We could be a legally recognized married couple now.
Alfred ran from the room. I continued to watch the screen, barely paying attention as the announcer's discussed the prop passing. I remember feeling numb that morning, as if everything we had endured had come to a head to this very moment.
Alfred came back into the room holding a box. He muted the T.V. and took my hand as he dropped to a knee before me. I was crying and he could barely speak, but he was persistent.
"I want to propose," he said. "So that you know it's real this time and there's nothing spontaneous. I really mean this. Arthur Kirkland, we have worked so hard to be together and I just… I… I forgot what I was going to say."
I started laughing. I wiped my tears and hugged Alfred to my chest. "Yes…just yes… I will marry you."
He climbed up onto the couch to hug me. We kept the television on mute as we lay on the couch. I wanted to just feel this moment last forever. I couldn't help but enjoy my life settling into place. Alfred was my husband, legally.
"We needed this…," Alfred murmured.
I could only nod. I couldn't wait to tell Grace. The first thing I did was take a picture of my ring and post it on twitter with the caption, "It's real this time. No one can take this away from us.Hoshiko2's cents: There is one chapter left. I hope you guys like what's to come. I apologize for not updating yesterday. I was at the Renaissance Faire a lot longer than I thought I'd be, and was unable to update. Better late than never, right? And thank you for all of the amazing reviews I've been getting. I appreciate it, even if I'm slow to reply.