Breakeven (One-shot)
Title: Breakeven
Chapters: N/A
Authors: konicoffee and ronnieshade
Genre: Romance, Drama
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.
Warnings: Language
Rating: PG
Pairings/Characters: Miyavi/Kai
Band/s: Solo, the GazettE
Synopsis: There was a lack in his bed, in his apartment and in his life that he didn’t seem capable of having control over. There was something in the second toothbrush, the favoured coffee mug and the collection of car magazines that told Kai he could hope for the lack to turn into something worthwhile, but he would be wasting his time.
Comments: Roleplaying goodness and proof that I am, in fact, alive. Enjoy!
It was early in the morning, the clock on the wall spoke of six a.m and times when he would wake up this early just because he wanted to watch the sun rise or make pancakes with his better half. It was all shot to hell though.
Kai was only up for a reason and one reason only. He couldn’t sleep. There was a lack in his bed, in his apartment and in his life that he didn’t seem capable of having control over. There was something in the second toothbrush, the favoured coffee mug and the collection of car magazines that told Kai he could hope for the lack to turn into something worthwhile, but he would be wasting his time. All he knew now was that he didn’t want to be alone and he could think of only one thing to do. Go for a walk. Go to that nice cafe down the road, the one with the coffee that seemed more like syrup sometimes.
Decision made, Kai grabbed his coat and put on his shoes before opening the door only to backtrack and swipe his keys and wallet off the kitchen counter. He left the apartment and the shadows behind. Only the gloom followed him, out into the fog of an early winter morning.
Miyavi had been staring at his ceiling for a good half hour now. The sunrise greeted him in little splashes of soft light on the drywall. Not that his day was just starting; yesterday just hadn’t ended. Not even after he and Kai parted ways last night. They left each other alone for the night, both of them feeling short of broken - Kai with his shattered heart, and Miyavi having to witness the whole thing.
He picked up his phone, pressed a few buttons, and called his friend, intending to leave a voice message. Kai was most likely still asleep, still dreaming of what was and what could have been. And he didn’t even know what to tell Kai, specifically. Something. Anything. It was all the same, anyway. All he had were words. To a person who had his world falling apart, words didn’t really matter anymore.
That wouldn’t stop Miyavi from trying, though. From trying to remind Kai that he was there. Like he had always been.
Kai was halfway through spilling his coffee on his jeans when his cell rang, vibrating solemnly on the small, wooden table. Cursing under his breath, he set down the mug of coffee and looked at the name flashing on the screen, the image of his friend grinning at him.
He closed his eyes for a moment; he didn’t know what to say to the other after having them witness his breakdown. It was humiliating and most likely Miyavi was calling him out of pity just like the last three texts he had gotten from other friends. But after the comfort the other had bestowed on him the night before, Kai figured the concern was somewhat sincere.
Placing the phone to his ear, he sighed.
“Hello?”
There was a voice on the other line, but it wasn’t an automated recording. Miyavi sat up at the surprise. “Oh, um, hey. I hope I didn’t wake you up.” All he prepared was a short message, something along the lines of ‘you okay?’ or ‘call me when you wake up.’ A conversation wasn’t part of the plan. Then again all he had were words. It didn’t matter, did it?
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything more.”
He smiled albeit it was somewhat strained. Miyavi sounded rather taken by surprise at hearing Kai answer the phone.
“No, it’s okay. I’m already up; actually I’m out having coffee...” Care to join me? Kai thought as he looked down meekly at his half empty mug. For a moment Miyavi sounded just as upset as he was, but unlike Miyavi, Kai had to be strong, he had to forget what had happened though it was a hard task what with all the memories flying up to central focus. He couldn’t concentrate, let alone breathe.
Miyavi wondered how the world was to Kai now. Strange, a broken heart was, indeed. However fragile, its effects on a person - or at least, his sense of color and volume and sweetness and warmth - were more severe when nothing protected it.
He knew of a broken heart’s powers well; he battled with it everyday.
Kai. He wanted to protect Kai. He really did. It was just a question of whether or not he could, and whether or not Kai would let him. “Do you need me there?”
“I...” Kai looked out the window where it rained and clouds blocked out the sun. Couples and families and friends walked by, sharing umbrellas and good feelings. He was alone in an almost empty cafe with his almost empty mug and his almost empty heart. The urge to run and never look back was becoming stronger with each second passing, but Kai had to stay put. How could he move on and be happy if he couldn’t stay put? He had to stay.
“Yes please,” he whispered into the phone. “I’m at that cafe you and I found six weeks back.” Yes, he and Miyavi had memories, they were always good ones. Last night though was... not and it was a first.
“On my way,” was what Miyavi said as he got on his feet. He ended the call and went on a frenzy to make himself look decent. Sure, looking like shit might make Kai laugh, but he had other methods to cheer the guy up. Or at least try to.
A few minutes, three blocks, and some light rain later, Miyavi arrived at the café. The smell of coffee and tea and scones instantly reminded him of how he walked in here for the first time, Kai’s hand in his, both of them feeling victorious about their discovery. Ambient light wrapped this little world, and it didn’t take Miyavi long to find Kai, wrapped in the light’s embrace, but never looking as abandoned.
No greetings, no formalities. He pulled a chair and sat beside his friend, doubting if he could catch the pieces that were crumbling before him.
It seemed like he had spaced out for quite some time as Miyavi suddenly appeared before him, the warm light shining from behind him almost as if he was the one producing that light. Instinctively, Kai leant as close as he could get to the other, absorbing the warmth almost greedily.
“You’re fast,” he mumbled, closing his eyes. If only it had been someone else who had trekked through the rain to sit beside him on this sad day. Kai then remembered his manners. “Coffee? Tea?” For a moment he couldn’t remember what Miyavi liked to drink, for a moment Kai couldn’t even remember what he was doing there in the first place. But that sympathetic look with dark understanding eyes dragged him down to his little corner again.
Miyavi wasn’t tired, but normal breathing seemed difficult as he sat beside Kai. The comfort that circulated through the café in the form of low lights and coffee steam wasn’t enough to make the man feel secure. Odd, really, the way humans had a strange fear for things within their reach. Things were easier when Kai was taken; it was easier for Miyavi to guarantee that he wouldn’t break Kai’s heart.
The tall man smiled at the remark, tasting the bitterness and knowing it wasn’t just from the smell of dark roasted coffee. “Not fast enough,” Miyavi said out loud while the filter between his brain and his mouth continued thawing. If he had made his move faster, if he had done something sooner, maybe…“Tea, please.”
Kai frowned slightly, giving his friend a curious look before turning away and calling a waitress over and placing Miyavi’s order, suddenly remembering just how the other liked his tea. He then turned back to take a closer look. Miyavi looked like shit. Kai could see the faint shadow of sleeplessness and the unhealthy glow to his skin. Even if he was the one agonizing over recent events, he couldn’t help but think that Miyavi seemed just as affected as he was.
Chocolate eyes narrowed and Kai contemplated the past few months when everything was rainbows and loving kisses. Miyavi had never said whether he liked Kai’s now ex or not, in fact his friend had avoided those types of conversations and Kai guessed it was because he didn’t have someone, but now he wasn’t so sure.
“What’s wrong?” He asked in hopes of figuring things out.
Silverware and porcelain collided, and Miyavi found a serving of tea placed before him. Bringing the teacup close to his mouth, he inhaled the scent - blossomy, fruity, and melancholy. The jazz music, oh the jumpy, happy, fucking annoying music, only but highlighted his uneasiness. So obviously, Kai would catch it. The guy understood him with a depth beyond the reach of anyone else; that included Miyavi himself.
He took a sip of tea. For comfort, for courage, he wasn’t sure. “I just wish I could have done more for you.”
A bitter sigh escaped in the small space between them as Kai averted his gaze to the window. What was it like to not have your heart broken? Kai couldn’t remember. But he could remember the fights, the accusations, the lies and the betrayal that burned deep into his skin. It was a part of him now, there was nothing he could do but wait for it to get better. But how would it get better?
“There’s nothing you could have done, Miya.” Kai’s voice was soft and monotone. What was the point of putting colour in your tone if love was no longer a part of you? “I fucked up, bad. And I’m dealing with it.” Probably not in the best of ways and carefully, Kai pulled the sleeves of his dark blue sweater down over his hands, partly hiding them from view.
Beethoven played from someone’s mobile phone while white noise stabbed Miyavi’s ears. He hadn’t scrubbed his exhaustion off, and the tea couldn’t wash his stress down. But what ate him up faster was regret. Regret he didn’t do a thing to prevent certain events or stop them when it happened or fix things when the damage was done. The sin of omittance and its gravity, Miyavi now saw in fragments of what used to be his happy friend.
“I could have stopped it,” he said, lips just slightly touching the rim of the teacup. “Then you wouldn’t have to deal with anything.”
Completely forgetting his coffee, Kai turned to fully face Miyavi, questions running through his eyes. Confusion and slight frustration were probably the only things Kai could convey without breaking down into a bout of tears.
“What could you have done?” He asked the other. “I’m not a princess; I don’t need anyone to ‘deal’ with things for me.” With Miyavi around, Kai felt a sense of helplessness, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t even finish his damn coffee without feeling slightly out of it. Nothing made sense with his friend around, mainly because the man had always been like this, full of secrecy and mystery with that sad glint in his eyes that made Kai want to know every little thing.
“I…” Miyavi hesitated. Even if he did try, he wouldn’t have been able to keep Kai away from that fucker who broke his heart. Kai wouldn’t let him, and he just wasn’t strong enough. There were those cool folks who didn’t mind giving up their bonds for as long as the other was happy; no, Miyavi wasn’t one of these people. At least not during the time Kai was blissful with that son of a bitch. Now if only he knew it would turn out like this.
Fuck that. Of course he knew. He was just giving the guy what Kai asked from him. What was it again? Right. Benefit of the doubt.
“You’re right.” There really wasn’t anything he could have done, but Miyavi wished that he at least tried.
Kai nodded in agreement, of course he was right. But he was also very, very wrong. If only he had seen it coming, it would have saved everyone the trouble. Now it was too late, he guessed. Looking up at Miyavi, Kai wondered if he done the right thing in burdening his friend with all this drama. It wasn’t fair on the other man; he didn’t need all these problems unlike Kai who seemed to attract them like a magnet.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was so quiet it was barely an audible whisper.
“Don’t,” came the reply and a smile that had a bitterness the tea couldn’t overpower. “Don’t be.” The burden of guilt was even heavier with the knowledge that he could have done something. None of this had to happen, and Kai didn’t need to be sorry. Kai didn’t need to be broken like this. Not to this extent, where he was beyond Miyavi’s ability to put back together.
“Were you happy with him?” Miyavi asked, seeking for even the smallest consolation, the most miniscule excuse for his failure.
Coffee gone cold and the music becoming a strain on his ears, Kai shifted in his seat as if motioning to leave and avoid Miyavi’s question. Had he been happy? Yes, he had been for the first couple of months, his other half had been everything to him and now he was gone with nothing but a ‘this isn’t worth it’ to haunt Kai at every possible moment. He had been happy, but there had always been something missing. Something that Kai couldn’t quite place but became more obvious whenever he was away from the other.
“Maybe... I don’t know...” Kai took a deep breath and looked right into Miyavi’s dark, warm eyes. “Yes, I was.” Now that was gone, that happiness was drained from him and he didn’t know what to do, where to go or who to blame, and he needed someone to blame.
The declaration was a stab too shallow to kill but too deep not to feel. Miyavi felt the envy poisoning his beverage. The only reason why Miyavi never said anything was because he actually saw the motherfucker make Kai happy, even just for a while. All while he did nothing but watch and wait for the guy to make a mistake. Yes, at Kai’s expense.
But no, this wasn’t about him. He wasn’t the one in distress here. Gathering himself, he sipped the last drops of his tea. “Then, don’t be miserable because it’s over,” he said as he set his teacup on the table. “Be glad because it happened.”
A twitch of lips but Kai didn’t smile, he couldn’t remember how to at that moment. All that he could remember was seeing those dark eyes of his ex, burning into him with affection and desire, but not love. Never love. People were fools if they believed love truly existed, and even if it did it just crippled you until all you could do was lie on the floor and stare unblinking at the wall. He wondered if Miyavi had ever been in that situation, would he have told Kai if he had.
“Have you ever been in love, Miya?” It was a horrible point in life and Kai hoped Miyavi had never been exposed to such a stupid emotion. Why love when you’ll just get burned?
In all these years of their friendship, this question had always been asked but never voiced out. The spoken words came to Miyavi like a flash grenade of unease. Saying yes would mean he was going to be chased into a corner, and would have to tell the truth when Kai was not in the best shape for more emotional attachment and, how Kai would see it at least, potential heartbreak. But what was he going to do? Dishonesty was the last thing Kai needed at the moment where he just got out of a world where everything was a lie.
“I don’t know if what I feel everyday is love,” he whispered against the background noise of jazz music and a coffee grinder. “If it is love, I want it to be the purest, strongest love I could ever give.”
Kai’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly as he assessed Miyavi and his somewhat strained answer. There was something about that answer that gave a jolt in Kai’s stomach and he felt heat rise faintly to his cheeks. He looked back out the window, the rain having become a little heavier. The day wasn’t off to a good start, when did he ever think it would be?
If he looked into himself far enough Kai would be able to detect relief and a strong sense of joy because even if he wasn’t happy, Miyavi was in some way. If Kai suffered all this pain, Miyavi would no doubt be the one who never had to go through that, because he was simply special and Kai couldn’t fathom anyone wanting to hurt his friend.
Miyavi knew he had Kai’s attention, and at the moment, no one else did. “Whatever it is, it breaks me, Kai. Everyday.” The sound of the door opening and the footsteps that came afterwards masked the crack in Miyavi’s voice as he kept talking. He didn’t care anymore; letting his heart out felt just as painful as keeping it in. “But whenever I piece myself together afterwards, I become a stronger person.”
He put in a sugar cube in Kai’s coffee cup. “So I will hold on to it and believe in it.” The man stirred in the sugar and the creamer, in the exact amounts Kai wanted. He then braced for another heartbreak, potentially a worse one than usual. “I want to be strong enough for you.”
The cold from outside swept in and Kai shivered upon hearing Miyavi speak. Al the words that hovered in the space between them had his eyes roaming everywhere but his friend’s face. He didn’t want to see the look in those eyes just yet. ‘This isn’t worth it... you aren’t worth it, I’m done, Kai’. Tears burned his eyes and he screwed them shut not wanting to see what was right in front of him. A chance to make another stupid mistake, a chance to lose all control and fall further into the abyss that had opened up within him.
Why? Just why did Miyavi have to say that? What possessed him to think Kai deserved that kind of treatment? He didn’t - he wasn’t worth it. He needed a drink and not coffee either.
“I...” I want to get drunk; I want to forget all of this. I want to regret what I’ve done to you, the two of you. I want to admit that I’m not good enough. He didn’t realize that cold warmth slid down his cheeks in the form of two crystal drops. Kai was too busy looking at his coffee mug, with the sugar and cream Miyavi had so carefully put in for him. Miyavi took care of his coffee, he took care of him.
Miyavi smiled at himself, softly chuckling to keep the shards of his heart intact. Both he and Kai were shattered; was it too much to ask to be put back together as one? He didn’t know, but he prayed hard anyway. With his finger, he caught the tears that ran down Kai’s cheeks. Tears he brought out, yes. He really couldn’t do anything right, could he?
“I will break down as many times as it takes,” he choked, struggling to keep his voice and his composure steady. “So you will never have to feel sorry again.”
“This is...” Kai paused as he looked across the street. There right there in between a clothing store and a bookstore he stood, holding hands with someone else, smiling for someone else, someone that wasn’t him. Blinking, the image was gone and Kai turned back to Miyavi.
“It’s a little stuffy in here, isn’t it?” He asked as he glanced around feeling claustrophobic. His breathing became erratic with each sweep of his gaze, the world started spinning and Kai could no longer hold back the small cry of pain as everything suddenly came crashing down on him. This was all too much.
“Kai.” The world felt unsafe all of a sudden, though it wasn’t because the walls seemed to be closing in. From where Miyavi was, it was the opposite - the distance between him and Kai seemed so large, and Kai was getting harder and harder to reach. Gathering his courage, Miyavi set his hands on Kai’s cheeks and gently pressed his forehead against the other man’s. “Look at me, please.”
Even though the space between him and Miyavi had been closed, Kai couldn’t help but look around in hope and in fear of his ex coming into the cafe, ruining his little sanctuary. Good memories were engraved in these walls, memories only he and Miyavi knew about and cherished so lovingly.
Kai looked at his friend, really looked at him. They were so close he could feel Miyavi’s warm breath brush along his cheeks that were being held so carefully in the other’s slender fingers. “I...” And once again Kai found himself speechless, mind blank and body unresponsive.
Miyavi couldn’t hear the industrial blender, nor could he decipher the lyrics of the bossa nova song playing. He couldn’t see the gold light blanketing the place. Only Kai was there, his nervous breaths, and the even more nervous look in his eyes. The syncopated downbeat from the music played slower than his pulse. This signaled a heartbreak; Kai’s or his own or both, he was afraid to know. “What part do you need me to play for you to see me?”
The part that allowed Kai to breathe, the part that never let Kai go... the part that Kai could feel safe with and not fear the consequences like he did when his ex was still around. Closing his eyes, Kai leaned closer, pressing his cheek against Miyavi’s warm hand.
“I always see you,” he whispered in reply. He ignored the scent of coffee and noise of people talking and laughing and the music in the background. Instead he focused on Miyavi only, because he was here, always had been here front and centre by Kai’s side throughout all of it. He didn’t need to know the real reason behind Kai’s ended relationship, it was enough that he was there for Kai. “Take me home and stay...for a while, please.”
“Alright.” They were two people, still trying to find their way out of their emotional wreckage, but found each other instead. All sounds went on mute and all feelings were hushed as Miyavi gently pressed his lips on Kai’s forehead. Everything will be alright, he wasn’t sure if he had the right to say it, so he didn’t. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try to make it happen, however, and he wasn’t going to wait for another breakdown to find the courage to fight.
“Let’s go.” Leaving crumpled bills on the table, he took the other’s hand and walked out of their coffee-scented sanctuary. He held on, and the fragments of his being stayed in place. The world had started having color again, and for the first time in a long while, Miyavi felt truly complete.
A/N: ronnieshade plays Kai, and konicoffee plays Miyavi.
Chapters: N/A
Authors: konicoffee and ronnieshade
Genre: Romance, Drama
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the story.
Warnings: Language
Rating: PG
Pairings/Characters: Miyavi/Kai
Band/s: Solo, the GazettE
Synopsis: There was a lack in his bed, in his apartment and in his life that he didn’t seem capable of having control over. There was something in the second toothbrush, the favoured coffee mug and the collection of car magazines that told Kai he could hope for the lack to turn into something worthwhile, but he would be wasting his time.
Comments: Roleplaying goodness and proof that I am, in fact, alive. Enjoy!
It was early in the morning, the clock on the wall spoke of six a.m and times when he would wake up this early just because he wanted to watch the sun rise or make pancakes with his better half. It was all shot to hell though.
Kai was only up for a reason and one reason only. He couldn’t sleep. There was a lack in his bed, in his apartment and in his life that he didn’t seem capable of having control over. There was something in the second toothbrush, the favoured coffee mug and the collection of car magazines that told Kai he could hope for the lack to turn into something worthwhile, but he would be wasting his time. All he knew now was that he didn’t want to be alone and he could think of only one thing to do. Go for a walk. Go to that nice cafe down the road, the one with the coffee that seemed more like syrup sometimes.
Decision made, Kai grabbed his coat and put on his shoes before opening the door only to backtrack and swipe his keys and wallet off the kitchen counter. He left the apartment and the shadows behind. Only the gloom followed him, out into the fog of an early winter morning.
Miyavi had been staring at his ceiling for a good half hour now. The sunrise greeted him in little splashes of soft light on the drywall. Not that his day was just starting; yesterday just hadn’t ended. Not even after he and Kai parted ways last night. They left each other alone for the night, both of them feeling short of broken - Kai with his shattered heart, and Miyavi having to witness the whole thing.
He picked up his phone, pressed a few buttons, and called his friend, intending to leave a voice message. Kai was most likely still asleep, still dreaming of what was and what could have been. And he didn’t even know what to tell Kai, specifically. Something. Anything. It was all the same, anyway. All he had were words. To a person who had his world falling apart, words didn’t really matter anymore.
That wouldn’t stop Miyavi from trying, though. From trying to remind Kai that he was there. Like he had always been.
Kai was halfway through spilling his coffee on his jeans when his cell rang, vibrating solemnly on the small, wooden table. Cursing under his breath, he set down the mug of coffee and looked at the name flashing on the screen, the image of his friend grinning at him.
He closed his eyes for a moment; he didn’t know what to say to the other after having them witness his breakdown. It was humiliating and most likely Miyavi was calling him out of pity just like the last three texts he had gotten from other friends. But after the comfort the other had bestowed on him the night before, Kai figured the concern was somewhat sincere.
Placing the phone to his ear, he sighed.
“Hello?”
There was a voice on the other line, but it wasn’t an automated recording. Miyavi sat up at the surprise. “Oh, um, hey. I hope I didn’t wake you up.” All he prepared was a short message, something along the lines of ‘you okay?’ or ‘call me when you wake up.’ A conversation wasn’t part of the plan. Then again all he had were words. It didn’t matter, did it?
“I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything more.”
He smiled albeit it was somewhat strained. Miyavi sounded rather taken by surprise at hearing Kai answer the phone.
“No, it’s okay. I’m already up; actually I’m out having coffee...” Care to join me? Kai thought as he looked down meekly at his half empty mug. For a moment Miyavi sounded just as upset as he was, but unlike Miyavi, Kai had to be strong, he had to forget what had happened though it was a hard task what with all the memories flying up to central focus. He couldn’t concentrate, let alone breathe.
Miyavi wondered how the world was to Kai now. Strange, a broken heart was, indeed. However fragile, its effects on a person - or at least, his sense of color and volume and sweetness and warmth - were more severe when nothing protected it.
He knew of a broken heart’s powers well; he battled with it everyday.
Kai. He wanted to protect Kai. He really did. It was just a question of whether or not he could, and whether or not Kai would let him. “Do you need me there?”
“I...” Kai looked out the window where it rained and clouds blocked out the sun. Couples and families and friends walked by, sharing umbrellas and good feelings. He was alone in an almost empty cafe with his almost empty mug and his almost empty heart. The urge to run and never look back was becoming stronger with each second passing, but Kai had to stay put. How could he move on and be happy if he couldn’t stay put? He had to stay.
“Yes please,” he whispered into the phone. “I’m at that cafe you and I found six weeks back.” Yes, he and Miyavi had memories, they were always good ones. Last night though was... not and it was a first.
“On my way,” was what Miyavi said as he got on his feet. He ended the call and went on a frenzy to make himself look decent. Sure, looking like shit might make Kai laugh, but he had other methods to cheer the guy up. Or at least try to.
A few minutes, three blocks, and some light rain later, Miyavi arrived at the café. The smell of coffee and tea and scones instantly reminded him of how he walked in here for the first time, Kai’s hand in his, both of them feeling victorious about their discovery. Ambient light wrapped this little world, and it didn’t take Miyavi long to find Kai, wrapped in the light’s embrace, but never looking as abandoned.
No greetings, no formalities. He pulled a chair and sat beside his friend, doubting if he could catch the pieces that were crumbling before him.
It seemed like he had spaced out for quite some time as Miyavi suddenly appeared before him, the warm light shining from behind him almost as if he was the one producing that light. Instinctively, Kai leant as close as he could get to the other, absorbing the warmth almost greedily.
“You’re fast,” he mumbled, closing his eyes. If only it had been someone else who had trekked through the rain to sit beside him on this sad day. Kai then remembered his manners. “Coffee? Tea?” For a moment he couldn’t remember what Miyavi liked to drink, for a moment Kai couldn’t even remember what he was doing there in the first place. But that sympathetic look with dark understanding eyes dragged him down to his little corner again.
Miyavi wasn’t tired, but normal breathing seemed difficult as he sat beside Kai. The comfort that circulated through the café in the form of low lights and coffee steam wasn’t enough to make the man feel secure. Odd, really, the way humans had a strange fear for things within their reach. Things were easier when Kai was taken; it was easier for Miyavi to guarantee that he wouldn’t break Kai’s heart.
The tall man smiled at the remark, tasting the bitterness and knowing it wasn’t just from the smell of dark roasted coffee. “Not fast enough,” Miyavi said out loud while the filter between his brain and his mouth continued thawing. If he had made his move faster, if he had done something sooner, maybe…“Tea, please.”
Kai frowned slightly, giving his friend a curious look before turning away and calling a waitress over and placing Miyavi’s order, suddenly remembering just how the other liked his tea. He then turned back to take a closer look. Miyavi looked like shit. Kai could see the faint shadow of sleeplessness and the unhealthy glow to his skin. Even if he was the one agonizing over recent events, he couldn’t help but think that Miyavi seemed just as affected as he was.
Chocolate eyes narrowed and Kai contemplated the past few months when everything was rainbows and loving kisses. Miyavi had never said whether he liked Kai’s now ex or not, in fact his friend had avoided those types of conversations and Kai guessed it was because he didn’t have someone, but now he wasn’t so sure.
“What’s wrong?” He asked in hopes of figuring things out.
Silverware and porcelain collided, and Miyavi found a serving of tea placed before him. Bringing the teacup close to his mouth, he inhaled the scent - blossomy, fruity, and melancholy. The jazz music, oh the jumpy, happy, fucking annoying music, only but highlighted his uneasiness. So obviously, Kai would catch it. The guy understood him with a depth beyond the reach of anyone else; that included Miyavi himself.
He took a sip of tea. For comfort, for courage, he wasn’t sure. “I just wish I could have done more for you.”
A bitter sigh escaped in the small space between them as Kai averted his gaze to the window. What was it like to not have your heart broken? Kai couldn’t remember. But he could remember the fights, the accusations, the lies and the betrayal that burned deep into his skin. It was a part of him now, there was nothing he could do but wait for it to get better. But how would it get better?
“There’s nothing you could have done, Miya.” Kai’s voice was soft and monotone. What was the point of putting colour in your tone if love was no longer a part of you? “I fucked up, bad. And I’m dealing with it.” Probably not in the best of ways and carefully, Kai pulled the sleeves of his dark blue sweater down over his hands, partly hiding them from view.
Beethoven played from someone’s mobile phone while white noise stabbed Miyavi’s ears. He hadn’t scrubbed his exhaustion off, and the tea couldn’t wash his stress down. But what ate him up faster was regret. Regret he didn’t do a thing to prevent certain events or stop them when it happened or fix things when the damage was done. The sin of omittance and its gravity, Miyavi now saw in fragments of what used to be his happy friend.
“I could have stopped it,” he said, lips just slightly touching the rim of the teacup. “Then you wouldn’t have to deal with anything.”
Completely forgetting his coffee, Kai turned to fully face Miyavi, questions running through his eyes. Confusion and slight frustration were probably the only things Kai could convey without breaking down into a bout of tears.
“What could you have done?” He asked the other. “I’m not a princess; I don’t need anyone to ‘deal’ with things for me.” With Miyavi around, Kai felt a sense of helplessness, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t even finish his damn coffee without feeling slightly out of it. Nothing made sense with his friend around, mainly because the man had always been like this, full of secrecy and mystery with that sad glint in his eyes that made Kai want to know every little thing.
“I…” Miyavi hesitated. Even if he did try, he wouldn’t have been able to keep Kai away from that fucker who broke his heart. Kai wouldn’t let him, and he just wasn’t strong enough. There were those cool folks who didn’t mind giving up their bonds for as long as the other was happy; no, Miyavi wasn’t one of these people. At least not during the time Kai was blissful with that son of a bitch. Now if only he knew it would turn out like this.
Fuck that. Of course he knew. He was just giving the guy what Kai asked from him. What was it again? Right. Benefit of the doubt.
“You’re right.” There really wasn’t anything he could have done, but Miyavi wished that he at least tried.
Kai nodded in agreement, of course he was right. But he was also very, very wrong. If only he had seen it coming, it would have saved everyone the trouble. Now it was too late, he guessed. Looking up at Miyavi, Kai wondered if he done the right thing in burdening his friend with all this drama. It wasn’t fair on the other man; he didn’t need all these problems unlike Kai who seemed to attract them like a magnet.
“I’m sorry.” His voice was so quiet it was barely an audible whisper.
“Don’t,” came the reply and a smile that had a bitterness the tea couldn’t overpower. “Don’t be.” The burden of guilt was even heavier with the knowledge that he could have done something. None of this had to happen, and Kai didn’t need to be sorry. Kai didn’t need to be broken like this. Not to this extent, where he was beyond Miyavi’s ability to put back together.
“Were you happy with him?” Miyavi asked, seeking for even the smallest consolation, the most miniscule excuse for his failure.
Coffee gone cold and the music becoming a strain on his ears, Kai shifted in his seat as if motioning to leave and avoid Miyavi’s question. Had he been happy? Yes, he had been for the first couple of months, his other half had been everything to him and now he was gone with nothing but a ‘this isn’t worth it’ to haunt Kai at every possible moment. He had been happy, but there had always been something missing. Something that Kai couldn’t quite place but became more obvious whenever he was away from the other.
“Maybe... I don’t know...” Kai took a deep breath and looked right into Miyavi’s dark, warm eyes. “Yes, I was.” Now that was gone, that happiness was drained from him and he didn’t know what to do, where to go or who to blame, and he needed someone to blame.
The declaration was a stab too shallow to kill but too deep not to feel. Miyavi felt the envy poisoning his beverage. The only reason why Miyavi never said anything was because he actually saw the motherfucker make Kai happy, even just for a while. All while he did nothing but watch and wait for the guy to make a mistake. Yes, at Kai’s expense.
But no, this wasn’t about him. He wasn’t the one in distress here. Gathering himself, he sipped the last drops of his tea. “Then, don’t be miserable because it’s over,” he said as he set his teacup on the table. “Be glad because it happened.”
A twitch of lips but Kai didn’t smile, he couldn’t remember how to at that moment. All that he could remember was seeing those dark eyes of his ex, burning into him with affection and desire, but not love. Never love. People were fools if they believed love truly existed, and even if it did it just crippled you until all you could do was lie on the floor and stare unblinking at the wall. He wondered if Miyavi had ever been in that situation, would he have told Kai if he had.
“Have you ever been in love, Miya?” It was a horrible point in life and Kai hoped Miyavi had never been exposed to such a stupid emotion. Why love when you’ll just get burned?
In all these years of their friendship, this question had always been asked but never voiced out. The spoken words came to Miyavi like a flash grenade of unease. Saying yes would mean he was going to be chased into a corner, and would have to tell the truth when Kai was not in the best shape for more emotional attachment and, how Kai would see it at least, potential heartbreak. But what was he going to do? Dishonesty was the last thing Kai needed at the moment where he just got out of a world where everything was a lie.
“I don’t know if what I feel everyday is love,” he whispered against the background noise of jazz music and a coffee grinder. “If it is love, I want it to be the purest, strongest love I could ever give.”
Kai’s eyes narrowed ever so slightly as he assessed Miyavi and his somewhat strained answer. There was something about that answer that gave a jolt in Kai’s stomach and he felt heat rise faintly to his cheeks. He looked back out the window, the rain having become a little heavier. The day wasn’t off to a good start, when did he ever think it would be?
If he looked into himself far enough Kai would be able to detect relief and a strong sense of joy because even if he wasn’t happy, Miyavi was in some way. If Kai suffered all this pain, Miyavi would no doubt be the one who never had to go through that, because he was simply special and Kai couldn’t fathom anyone wanting to hurt his friend.
Miyavi knew he had Kai’s attention, and at the moment, no one else did. “Whatever it is, it breaks me, Kai. Everyday.” The sound of the door opening and the footsteps that came afterwards masked the crack in Miyavi’s voice as he kept talking. He didn’t care anymore; letting his heart out felt just as painful as keeping it in. “But whenever I piece myself together afterwards, I become a stronger person.”
He put in a sugar cube in Kai’s coffee cup. “So I will hold on to it and believe in it.” The man stirred in the sugar and the creamer, in the exact amounts Kai wanted. He then braced for another heartbreak, potentially a worse one than usual. “I want to be strong enough for you.”
The cold from outside swept in and Kai shivered upon hearing Miyavi speak. Al the words that hovered in the space between them had his eyes roaming everywhere but his friend’s face. He didn’t want to see the look in those eyes just yet. ‘This isn’t worth it... you aren’t worth it, I’m done, Kai’. Tears burned his eyes and he screwed them shut not wanting to see what was right in front of him. A chance to make another stupid mistake, a chance to lose all control and fall further into the abyss that had opened up within him.
Why? Just why did Miyavi have to say that? What possessed him to think Kai deserved that kind of treatment? He didn’t - he wasn’t worth it. He needed a drink and not coffee either.
“I...” I want to get drunk; I want to forget all of this. I want to regret what I’ve done to you, the two of you. I want to admit that I’m not good enough. He didn’t realize that cold warmth slid down his cheeks in the form of two crystal drops. Kai was too busy looking at his coffee mug, with the sugar and cream Miyavi had so carefully put in for him. Miyavi took care of his coffee, he took care of him.
Miyavi smiled at himself, softly chuckling to keep the shards of his heart intact. Both he and Kai were shattered; was it too much to ask to be put back together as one? He didn’t know, but he prayed hard anyway. With his finger, he caught the tears that ran down Kai’s cheeks. Tears he brought out, yes. He really couldn’t do anything right, could he?
“I will break down as many times as it takes,” he choked, struggling to keep his voice and his composure steady. “So you will never have to feel sorry again.”
“This is...” Kai paused as he looked across the street. There right there in between a clothing store and a bookstore he stood, holding hands with someone else, smiling for someone else, someone that wasn’t him. Blinking, the image was gone and Kai turned back to Miyavi.
“It’s a little stuffy in here, isn’t it?” He asked as he glanced around feeling claustrophobic. His breathing became erratic with each sweep of his gaze, the world started spinning and Kai could no longer hold back the small cry of pain as everything suddenly came crashing down on him. This was all too much.
“Kai.” The world felt unsafe all of a sudden, though it wasn’t because the walls seemed to be closing in. From where Miyavi was, it was the opposite - the distance between him and Kai seemed so large, and Kai was getting harder and harder to reach. Gathering his courage, Miyavi set his hands on Kai’s cheeks and gently pressed his forehead against the other man’s. “Look at me, please.”
Even though the space between him and Miyavi had been closed, Kai couldn’t help but look around in hope and in fear of his ex coming into the cafe, ruining his little sanctuary. Good memories were engraved in these walls, memories only he and Miyavi knew about and cherished so lovingly.
Kai looked at his friend, really looked at him. They were so close he could feel Miyavi’s warm breath brush along his cheeks that were being held so carefully in the other’s slender fingers. “I...” And once again Kai found himself speechless, mind blank and body unresponsive.
Miyavi couldn’t hear the industrial blender, nor could he decipher the lyrics of the bossa nova song playing. He couldn’t see the gold light blanketing the place. Only Kai was there, his nervous breaths, and the even more nervous look in his eyes. The syncopated downbeat from the music played slower than his pulse. This signaled a heartbreak; Kai’s or his own or both, he was afraid to know. “What part do you need me to play for you to see me?”
The part that allowed Kai to breathe, the part that never let Kai go... the part that Kai could feel safe with and not fear the consequences like he did when his ex was still around. Closing his eyes, Kai leaned closer, pressing his cheek against Miyavi’s warm hand.
“I always see you,” he whispered in reply. He ignored the scent of coffee and noise of people talking and laughing and the music in the background. Instead he focused on Miyavi only, because he was here, always had been here front and centre by Kai’s side throughout all of it. He didn’t need to know the real reason behind Kai’s ended relationship, it was enough that he was there for Kai. “Take me home and stay...for a while, please.”
“Alright.” They were two people, still trying to find their way out of their emotional wreckage, but found each other instead. All sounds went on mute and all feelings were hushed as Miyavi gently pressed his lips on Kai’s forehead. Everything will be alright, he wasn’t sure if he had the right to say it, so he didn’t. That didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try to make it happen, however, and he wasn’t going to wait for another breakdown to find the courage to fight.
“Let’s go.” Leaving crumpled bills on the table, he took the other’s hand and walked out of their coffee-scented sanctuary. He held on, and the fragments of his being stayed in place. The world had started having color again, and for the first time in a long while, Miyavi felt truly complete.
A/N: ronnieshade plays Kai, and konicoffee plays Miyavi.