my reply to his message
I've been thinking alot, and I guess I should let him know how I feel. Gosh, I didn't expect myself to come up with such a long reply though! Guess all my feelings and thoughts just came pouring out and couldn't stop once I started.
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hey XX,
i've been thinking about ur message, and i guess i should let u know how i feel.
1. it's impossible between us again, because i am not a saint. i cannot be together with u, when i well know that there is a third person in ur heart. i expect 100% from my guy, never any lesser. i need him to be able to give me his all. selfish, u may say, but i give what i expect. i will never decide to get together with a guy if i know for sure i can't give him my all. there has been a very good guy wooing me in the past few months, and i have actually thought of accepting him, but in the end i backed out because i must admit i was still not over u yet and it would be so unfair to him when i was half-hearted. which explains why i need my guy to be able to treat me whole-heartedly too. i give my all and i expect the same in return.
2. it wasn't easy for me to accept u in the beginning. our first relationship was a very tough one, me being not understanding enough, bad-tempered, & u neglected my feelings a lot of times. and the first inevitable break up happened. i was totally heart-broken, because i had put in so much. i felt u just kinda drifted further away from me, and u said it was because i was always initiating break ups and u couldn't take it any longer. fair enough, i know it was probably more my fault.
3. it was even harder to accept u the second time round. just when i had finally picked up the pieces and was moving on, even had a new relationship, u had to come into my life again. and i admit i still had a lot of feelings for u, which explains why i relented eventually. this time round, we were finally making some good progress. sure, i was still bad-tempered and initiating break ups, but i had changed quite a bit for u and we were progressing well, or so i thought. to the extent that i was prepared to settle down with u even. but on that friday night, in the car, imagine how i felt when u asked me if we could still be friends. i knew that u meant it, and no matter what i said wouldn't help. but i still tried, the following sunday, by making a trip to ur place and asking for a second chance. i was so determined, even desperate, but u rejected me so firmly. put urself in my shoes. i loved u so, i put down my pride to beg u, but all i got in return was, "sorry, i don't wanna hurt u further. if u really love me, u would want to see me happy, right?" u mentioned on the phone last week that i didn't try hard enough. tell me what else i could have said then.
4. u insist she was not the main reason for our break up. look, u might not believe this, but women do have extremely strong intuition, especially me. i know she was one of the main reasons. when u started going out with ur colleagues frequently (till today i still don't know if u went out with her alone then, and i don't wish to know now too), when u took pictures with just her, when u called her "dear", when the 2 of you were sms-ing each other almost every day, tell me - how can u still insist that u were just close friends? i'm not dumb; but i still tried to defend u, i tried to convince myself that u and her were just really close friends. imagine how my heart broke when i knew deep down that u had something for her, and when u finally admitted. i never will be able to accept my guy falling for someone else. never ever.
5. if u can do it to me not once, but twice, what's the odds of u doing it to me again? no matter how much i still feel for u (i'm not saying i do or what), i don't think i can bring myself to allow u back into my life again.
6. u told others u couldn't take my strong character. i just wanna say that i've always been this way, and u probably realised it a bit too late. if u couldn't accept it then, u won't be able to take it in the future either. what's the point of a third chance then? it would probably only waste your time, and i would probably end up heart broken all over again.
having said all these, i want u to know that i've never regretted being together with u.
u were my first true love, and u showed me what was love; taught me how to love.
at least i know that everytime u hugged me, it was because u loved me; everytime u kissed me, it was because u loved me, everytime u said "i love u", it really came from the bottom of ur heart, and u meant what u said then. and that's more than enough for me. sure, u have hurt me, but it has made me much stronger.
thank u for making me a much confident woman, and for making me a better person in general. my temper has been subdued quite a bit, and i've learnt to appreciate the people around me more, especially those who have stuck by me through my decisions, and offered me sound advice. i hope i have changed u into a better guy too, or even a better boyfriend for ur next honey! :) because then i know it hasn't been a waste of both our time and love.
a piece of advice for u: treasure the people around u now, and work hard to achieve what u want. fight for ur chances; it's not goin to drop from the sky! i've seen so many sudden deaths and accidents in recent months; it's scary. treasure them and tell them what u feel before it's too late. i know u really like her. so what if she has a boyfriend already? win her over if u really want to be with her! i just hope for ur own sake that u won't look back and regret not doing this or that in the past. as for me, at least i tried to win you back, so i have no regrets whatsoever.
on a side note, i hate her, not because she won ur heart over from me, but because she's made u into such a pathetic guy. i don't mean to sound harsh here, but this is seriously how i feel. u were such a confident guy in the past, all full of urself. but now? if u still think of me as a friend, listen to me. option one, win her over whatever it takes. option two, forget her and move on. it hurts to see a friend, and a close one at that, to be caught in such a situation. i may not know the full story, but i guess the gist of it is she doesn't want to end her current relationship, yet refuses to give u up. pardon me if i'm wrong, because it's purely my guess. but if that's indeed the truth, then it'll be really dumb of u to still like her and hold on to false hope. by saying this i have no intention of making u come back to my side or whatever crap, but this is my most honest opinion for a close friend. think about it.
ok this is quite an intensive email. i hope i don't scare u! haha.. rest assured i don't hate u anymore. and i don't have any evil intentions either. just thought it'll be good to clear things up, as well as let u know my take on all that's happening.
do take good care of urself, and we'll meet up soon for some drinks yeah? :)
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I feel sooooo much better now, after letting all my thoughts out. :)