It's not Okay
Pairing: Steve/Danny
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4353
Summary:He’s been thinking that since he arrived on the island, but it had never been of much importance because he only got Grace two times a month.
Now he’s got her twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
The thing of it is, Steve has asked. He’s asked a thousand times again if this is okay, if he needs more help, and Danny has said no, he’s fine, he’s managing okay, thanks ever so. He’ll be just fine; he doesn’t need anybody’s help. But Danny’s always been a rather excellent liar, okay, and sometimes that hurts more than helps; he knows that.
He thinks about it as he watches Grace playing in the park, thinks about how they got to this point, how he is slowly sinking into deeper and deeper trouble and he just doesn’t know how to get out of it. He thought about going back to New Jersey but Steve begged him not to and honestly, Danny didn’t really want to go back and face his parent’s pitiful looks.
He watches Grace carefully - even more careful than he would’ve a month ago - and then calls out for her because he’s tired and ready to go home. She comes back to him quieter than she would’ve a month ago and they go back to Danny’s apartment in silence. The apartment is suffocating and overflowing with all of Grace’s things. There’s hardly any room for them to move and Danny isn’t sure of what to do with everything.
It’s in the back of his mind that he should probably move somewhere else, some place where Grace can have a larger room and they can fit all of their things and live comfortably and Danny isn’t sleeping on a pullout in the living room anymore. He’s been thinking that since he arrived on the island, but it had never been of much importance because he only got Grace two times a month.
Now he’s got her twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
Two years ago, he would have sold his kidney on the black market for that. Now, he’s walking around with a permanent lump in his throat and gripping his daughter’s hand tighter than he should. Now, Grace has got shadows in her eyes and wakes up with nightmares. Now, he’s completely unsure of what to tell her and neither of them know what to do with themselves.
Rachel is dead. Rachel has died.
And Danny doesn’t even know how to process that, not really, because it wasn’t like he saw it coming. One minute he was arguing with his ex-wife on the phone about who needed to pick Gracie up from school and the next she was screaming about intruders and thirty seconds after that, there were gunshots. It didn’t make sense and it certainly wasn’t fair and Danny was left with a hell of a mess to clean up after that.
He remembers he’d had to go pick Gracie up from school after the ME had packed everything away at Rachel’s. He remembers stooping down and picking her up and holding her so tightly that she’d squirmed and said “Danno, Danno, you’re hurting me. What’s wrong, Danno?” And she’d looked at him with her gorgeous brown eyes - Rachel’s eyes, Danny had dully noted in the back of his mind.
“M-Monkey,” he’d said, but his voice had cracked, and that’s when Steve had showed up, lain a hand on Danny’s shoulder and squeezed lightly.
“Danny,” he’d murmured.
“Steve, I can’t,” Danny choked, and Grace had pulled back a little in his arms to look back and forth in their arms searchingly.
“Danno?” She’d asked in a small voice.
“Munchkin,” Steve said in a soothing voice. “Something’s happened.” That’s when it had hit Danny and a rushing in his ears started as he blurrily listened to Steve calmly and slowly telling Gracie about Rachel as Danny held her tighter and tighter. He remembers that Grace had started shouting and screaming and shaking her head, beating her fists against his chests and telling him that it couldn’t be true.
Now they’re standing in the middle of Danny’s apartment, looking at his mint green walls - Danny with burning contempt and Grace with slight curiosity - until Grace tugs on his hand. “Danno?” She asks lowly. “What are we doing?”
Danny snaps out of it. “Nothing,” he says hurriedly, “We’re - um - nothing, Monkey. Do you want mac and cheese for dinner? We could probably have that, I think there’s some in the cupboard I could make.” He pulls away from her and she follows him into the tiny kitchen.
He’s halfway through stirring the noodles into the boiling water when the door swings open after a tiny knock - Steve’s signal - and the man himself steps through. He steps over a box and then navigates over a few more before standing in the middle of the floor and glaring at them all in disgust. “Danny,” he says. “You need -“
“Please,” Danny sighs, taking a deep breath. “Please do not tell me what I need.” Steve cocks his head to the side and stares at him for a moment with searching hazel eyes before he bites his lip and nods.
“Hey Gracie,” he says, turning to Grace, who is sitting and watching her father patiently at the island table. She’s got her arms folded primly across the table and her eyes are searching, like she’s investigating the both of them. Danny remembers Steve once telling him that she takes after him in more ways than Danny thought. Danny had laughed and shaken him off, but Danny thinks now that maybe she’s got a cop’s eye without ever even having been a cop. She’s got it just by being a cop’s daughter.
He doesn’t know whether it’s a blessing or a burden.
“Uncle Steve,” she smiles up at him and he kisses her on the forehead, tugging on her crooked ponytail.
“What did you do today, Grace Face?” He asks her, pulling the other chair out. Danny bites back a tiny smile at how simply amazing Steve can just be with his daughter and strains the macaroni noodles.
“We went to the park,” he hears Grace telling him. “Danno watched me on the swings and then we came back here and I colored and then Danno started making macaroni and cheese.” It’s simple and leaves no room for anymore questions, because Grace doesn’t want to be asked questions. She doesn’t want to be asked for details anymore, she doesn’t want to have to sound falsely cheery anymore. Danny knows this because he feels the same way.
“That sounds… very productive,” Steve says, and makes the noise in the back of his throat that sounds like judgment he’s trying to hold back. Danny grips the wooden spoon tightly and turns around and points it at him.
“You,” he says, “Don’t.”
“Danny - I didn’t say any -“
“You made a noise,” Danny tells him, eyeing him warily. Steve stares back at him for long moments until he sighs and shakes his head.
“Didn’t make a noise,” he tells him. “And don’t argue. Your fake cheese and noodles will get cold.”
“Fake cheese,” Danny scoffs, “Macaroni and cheese, I’ll have you know, is a work of art - a classic dinner, okay. It’s just - I do macaroni very well, Steven and who cares what you think? Fake cheese,” he scoffs again, and stirs in the milk and butter.
“Right,” Steve says, and makes the i sound long and drawn out which, adorable, Danny thinks. Danny turns his head a little and offers him a tiny smile. Steve smiles back and little and steps up to the stove, placing his hand on Danny’s back. “You okay?” he murmurs in his ear, and Danny’s stirs falter for a moment before they pick back up at a slightly higher speed.
“Fine,” he says, fighting not to grind his teeth, “I’m great, Steve, really. You don’t have to ask me that a million times a day, okay. I’m fine. I’m more worried about little monkeys rather than myself.” With that, he flicks the burner completely off and turns around, setting the pan down on the tabletop. Steve reaches up and pulls two bowls down.
“You should eat something, too,” Grace frowns at Steve.
Steve grimaces before trying to cover it up with a smile, “I already ate. Before I came, Grace Face. A salad. I’m not hungry, or I would love to have some of your… macaroni and cheese.” Danny pokes a finger out and jabs him in the side, hard. “Bastard,” Steve hisses, before pulling out two spoons and glasses, and then the milk, as well.
“Thank you,” Danny says.
“Sit down,” Steve says, “I can get your food for you; you should relax.”
“I don’t need to -“
“Danny,” he cuts in, giving him a pleading look, like he just needs to do this for him. And Danny understands, the desperate feeling of wanting to be needed, because he has the same feeling right now, for Gracie. He understands completely, so he plops down in the chair and watches as Steve putters around the tiny kitchen, pouring two full glasses of milk for the two of them, then scooping out mac n’ cheese into bowls and setting them down in front of the both of them. He steps back and practically glares them into beginning their meals.
“Really,” he says after a few minutes of the only noise in the apartment being the clinking of spoons against bowls and the sound of glasses being set against Formica. “There is no protein in your meal,” he looks disgusted.
“Um,” Danny shrugs, “I have some macadamia nuts in the cupboard.”
Grace wrinkles her nose at that. “Ew,” she says in a flat tone, and takes a giant bite of cheesy macaroni noodles.
Steve’s eyes widen in disgust and he crosses his arms and locks his jaw for an entire minute, taking on his SEAL-defense stance, as Danny likes to think of it. The one where he thinks he can intimidate the entire world. Finally, he stares down at them eating their noodles and drinking their milk and says, “I’ve had it. You’re moving out.”
“What?” Both Grace and Danny say in identical, shocked tones. Danny thinks he sees the twitch of a grin at Steve’s lips because when he looks out the corner of his eye, like himself, Grace is holding her spoon halfway to her mouth and staring open-mouthed at Steve.
“You’re moving out of this terrible apartment,” Steve tells them in his No-Nonsense tone, Intimidator Face painted on. “And you’re moving in with me. I’ve had it. You aren’t eating well, you’re not getting around well, you can’t move with all these boxes in your apartment. Your lease is almost up and until it is, you can live with me. When it is up, well - then we can discuss you looking for a new place,” he finishes and takes a deep breath. Then he walks into the living room and starts stacking all of Grace’s boxes.
“If we haul Grace’s boxes out to my truck tonight, we can get a head start on yours tomorrow morning,” he continues as he stacks. Danny and Grace turn to look at him, still in shocked silence. Vaguely, Danny tries to recall the last time he was shocked into silence.
It was sometime around the 1996 puking incident.
“Steve,” he manages, swallowing around the lump in his throat.
“Grace Face can have Mary’s old room,” he says, completely ignoring Danny. “It’s pink but if you don’t like the color, we could probably repaint it once everything is moved in. Danny - you obviously - well, you know,” he stutters a little, blushing. “If you want. Anyways, you already have a lot of things at my house, so by tomorrow night, you should be able to -“
“ - Steven,” Danny finally gains his voice, and Steve snaps his attention away from shifting and stacking boxes. Grace snaps out of her shock and stares up at Danny for a moment before flinging her spoon a little in a questionable movement and turning back around and going back to eating her dinner.
“Danny,” he says helplessly. “Just - let me do this.”
Danny is silent for a moment before he says, “I wasn’t going to say no. I was just… going to ask if you were sure.”
Grace’s spoon clatters against her bowl and she makes what Danny is sure is a gleeful noise. Steve blinks at Danny. “Am I sure?” He asks. “Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t have told you you’re moving in otherwise.”
“Right,” Danny nods. “You didn’t even ask, you Neanderthal.”
Steve grins, “Eat your processed foods, Danno. I’ll move these boxes out to the truck.” He kisses Danny and heads out the door.
“Whatever you say, babe.”
--
So they spend all the next day moving boxes and then packing and unpacking boxes, Steve and Danny and Gracie. Eventually Danny’s entire apartment is nearly empty and Grace has a bedroom that is larger than the one at “Danno’s terrible apartment,” Danny has his shirts hanging in Steve’s - and his - closet, not in the window, and the boxes are being emptied slowly but surely.
Danny and Grace are setting a picture of Rachel and Grace on her nightstand when Danny sits down on her still unmade bed. “Monkey,” he says. “Are you - you’re okay with this, right?”
She looks up from tracing her fingers over Rachel’s smiling face and stares searchingly at him. “You and Uncle Steve,” she says slowly, softly. “You love each other, don’t you, Danno?” She says it in her small, innocent child-like voice, and Danny’s heart breaks just a little more that she’s lost so much at just eight years old.
“Yeah, Gracie,” he whispers, reaching out and wrapping his arms around her. “We love each other.”
“I know,” she murmurs back. “And I don’t mind that we’re living here. I love it here. I love Uncle Steve. And it makes you happy, too, Danno. That he wants you and me to live here.”
“You think?” Danny asks, kissing the top of her head, and she nods. Danny holds her tight and strokes her head for a long time, so long that Grace eventually drifts off to sleep holding the picture of her and her mom, with Danny still stroking her hair and staring off into space.
Steve comes in a while later and leans against the doorjamb, staring at the two of them. “Danno,” he says quietly.
“No,” Danny says shakily, swallowing several times, “No, I am okay, Steven. We are okay. We’re just - okay.”
Steve chews on his lip from a long moment, keeping his arms crossed and just staring at them, Grace sleeping, curled around her father, her tiny hands clutching the picture frame and Danny holding his daughter. Finally he nods like he’s come to some conclusion and looks up again. “Okay,” he says, and it’s like the word of the day, or something. “I just came up to tell you that dinner is done. And that we’re having something healthy. Chicken,” he says, grinning. “With salad, Danno. Salad,” and he says it so gleefully that Danny sort of really wants to punch him.
He settles for throwing Grace’s pillow at him.
--
Danny goes back to work the next week. If he’s truthful, he was bored sitting around the house once Grace went back to school, but Steve insisted that he took all of his bereavement leave, and Danny hadn’t really minded when Grace was home, but once she was back in school, there was too much time in the house to himself to think. He hated it and begged Steve to let him go back until he gave in.
He walks into HQ with a cup of coffee and a bag of malasadas, Steve trailing behind him grumbling unhappily about the malasadas because he’d made eggs that morning for protein, and they didn’t have any carbs, unlike malasadas. Danny didn’t really care, because eggs didn’t taste sweet or give him half the pleasure the donuts did. He takes a long drink of his coffee and steps into his office. Steve follows.
“Are you sure you’re ready?” he asks, frowning.
“God, Steve,” Danny huffs. “I’m fine. I wish everybody would just quit asking me if I’m okay. I’m great - okay. Just peachy. I’m - just stop.” He waves a hand of dismissal and Steve frowns again, but turns and leaves anyways.
He thinks Steve would probably scrape more at his emotions if he were given the chance but they catch a heavy duty case twenty minutes later that leaves them running all over Oahu for the rest of the day. It’s only because Kono reminds him that he even manages to pick Grace up on time and what kind of father does that make him, really? That he forgets to pick up his own daughter?
“Danny would you relax?” Steve says as he speeds up a little to get to the school. “You cannot be blaming yourself for this. Number one, we were chasing criminals all over the island today. Number two, it’s not exactly as if you’re used to picking her up every day from school. It’s going to take some time to get used to.”
“She is my daughter, Steven,” he grits out, clenching his fists, “I should not have to be reminded to pick her up from fucking school - I should just know! It’s not like it’s a hard job, okay! Nothing should preoccupy me so much that I forget about my daughter.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Steve says, glancing over.
“Just - shut up!” Danny flings a hand up. “Shut up, I can’t deal with you right now. Shut up.” They pull up to the school just then so Steve doesn’t have a chance to respond, and Danny jumps out of the car. Grace is waiting on the steps. “Monkey,” he says breathlessly. “Sorry I’m late!”
“You’re not late, Danno,” she says, reaching up for a hug and so Danny can pick her up. Danny notes how in some ways she’s reverted back to toddler-like ways. She wants picked up a lot more, she wants cuddled a lot more, and for right now, he’s completely okay with it, because he needs it as much as she does.
“Well I’m not on time, either,” he says, kissing her forehead. She smiles up at him a little and the wriggles in a signal to be put down. He sets her down and the walk to the car where she climbs in the back. She kisses Steve on the cheek before she buckles in.
“How was your day, Grace Face?” Steve asks her. Danny glances in his mirror for her reaction and notices her face cloud over, but Grace shakes her head.
“Fine,” she says, and that’s when it hits Danny. They’re both lying, so much. Neither of them are okay and it’s breaking them piece by piece and he’s not sure how much longer they’ve got left in them. He bites his lip and clenches his fists, willing himself to pick at this because he knows he needs to.
“Are you sure, Monkey?” he asks slowly. “You look like it was a rough day.”
“It was fine,” she says lightly, shrugging her shoulders. “We had a spelling test.”
“Is that all,” he asks, still digging. He sees his daughter’s shoulders tense and he knows he’s hitting a nerve. Steve glances over nervously like he’s unsure of what’s going on.
“Yes daddy,” Grace says.
“Grace if you’re having problems -“
“I said I was fine!” She screams and Steve slams on the brakes in surprise and the all lurch forward. “Just leave me alone, I’m fine!” She covers her ears and looks out the window then, and Danny squeezes his eyes shut to block out the tears. Steve keeps his foot on the brake and the car is idling in the middle of a road and there’s just complete silence.
“What -“
“Just drive us home,” Danny whispers. “Please, Steve.”
Steve puts the car in drive.
--
They get home and Gracie tumbles out of the car and runs into her room the second Steve unlocks the door. “Grace!” Danny calls, but gets the echo of her bedroom door slamming shut. He stumbles to the couch and falls down into it. “Fuck,” he groans, and scrubs at his face.
“Danny,” Steve sits down next to him and puts his arm on his shoulder.
“Steve, I - it’s not - I don’t -“ he breaks off.
Steve rubs his shoulder soothingly and Danny takes a deep breath, leaning into Steve’s touch. “We’re not okay, he says, voice breaking. “We’re not okay, and it hit me today, in the car. We’re not okay. Grace goes to school and comes home and does her homework and then she watches television or colors, but she’s so quiet. And I am just stressed beyond stressed and I have no idea what to do with myself because for whatever Rachel and I were at whatever point in time, there was always co-parenting - we always had that. And now I’m just on my own with my baby girl and we’re grieving and trying to cope and move on and neither of us have any idea of how to do it and -“ he takes a deep breath, “We’re not okay.”
“I know,” Steve smiles sadly. Danny jumps up.
“I know you know!” He shouts. “So tell me what to do!” He flings his arms up. Steve smiles at him again and Danny wants to slap the stupid smile right off his face.
“You take it one day at a time,” Steve says with patience. Danny didn’t even know he had patience before now, he thinks. “You love each other and you make sure you’re there for one another. You talk. You make sure she understands that even though Rachel is gone, she’s never going to forget her,” he leans forward, “Danny, can I - can I be there? When you talk. I want to tell her something.”
Danny stutters for a moment and then nods. “Steve, of course you can,” he says.
So they’re all sitting in the living room, Grace with her arms clutched miserably around her mom’s photo-frame, Danny with his hands clenched at his sides and Steve looking as relaxed as someone in this situation humanly shouldn’t. “Grace,” Steve says, leaning forward like he had when he was trying to calm Danny. “Can I see your picture?” He asks kindly. Grace looks up, face tear-streaked, and Danny’s heart just cracks even more, and fuck if he isn’t just tired. Slowly, Grace’s arms unfurl and she holds the picture out to Steve. He smiles and traces his fingers across it. “You’re both very beautiful,” he tells her. “When was it taken?”
“This past summer,” Grace whispers, sniffing. “We spent the whole day at the beach. Mommy took the day off work. She called it a girl’s day.”
“That sounds like a lot of fun, Gracie,” Steve says, and gets up off the couch and goes over and kneels next to her chair. “My mom used to do a lot of spontaneous stuff like that, too. I remember one time, when I was in first grade, she let me skip school and we spent the whole day baking cookies. Just me and her in the kitchen all day. The whole house smelled like chocolate chip cookies whenever we were finished, and there was flour everywhere. But my dad and my sister loved the cookies.” Danny watches how Grace’s shoulders loosen a little when Steve reaches out for her hand, how she watches him when he tells her story. Danny himself relaxes a little more.
“Gracie,” Steve clears his throat and then sits Indian style on the floor. He reaches up and tugs her down until she’s sitting on his lap. She stares up at him, still crying quietly. “Grace Face, here’s what you have to understand. This is so hard on all of us. I know you miss your mom. I know Danno misses your mom - I miss your mom. What you have to understand,” he says carefully, “Is that it’s not goodbye forever, Gracie. It’s goodbye for now. Someday - a long time from now - you’re going to see your mom again. But for right now? Your mom is watching over you, forever and always, and she is going to be so proud of the things that you do, Gracie.”
Grace lets out a sob and clutches at Steve. “I miss her. I didn’t want her to go!”
“I know,” he murmurs into her hair, “It’s not fair, baby, I know. But sometimes, there are plans already set in motion for us, and we just have to… follow them. It isn’t fair that bad men took your mommy away from you, but the important thing you need to know is that Danno and I found them and took care of them. You will never have to worry about them. The important thing to know is that your mommy loved you so much and even though she’s not here now, Danno - and I - are here still. And we will be. For a long time, okay?” Grace sobs against his chest for a good five minutes and Danny moves to take her from Steve but Steve shakes his head.
Finally she pulls off and looks up at Steve, “Uncle Steve?” She asks. “Do you think - do you think your mommy is proud of you?” She asks quietly, tracing patterns into his chest. That’s when Danny can’t take it and moves down next to Steve, clutching at his shoulder. Grace reaches out and grasps Danny’s other hand.
Steve is quiet for a long moment before he says, “I’m sure she is. I have a wonderful job, I live in a beautiful home, I swim every day and eat my vegetables, and most of all? I have a gorgeous family that I love, who loves me back.” Grace smiles at him and he presses his forehead against hers for a long moment before she giggles and snuggles her head back into his chest, still holding onto Danny’s hand.
“I love you,” Grace says to both of them.
And they’re not okay, Danny knows that - they’re still healing - but they’re getting there.