As Time Goes By

[kossage]

Dear diary

Comments

[nephemera]

No one will ever know what went through his head that night, of course, but just because he never showed signs of depression, suicidal thoughts or other issues doesn't mean they weren't there. There are a lot of people, myself included, that are very good at hiding those things until everything builds up to the point of no return. When I was at my lowest, I didn't want to burden anyone else with my problems, so I just said nothing. Unfortunately, there's just no rationalizing it. :/ Maybe you would've been able to help, maybe not. At least you can keep his memory alive and hopefully, someday, share some of your memories of him with his daughter.

[kossage]

Yeah, I'm well aware of people suffering from depression not necessarily showing visible signs. It takes amazing perception at times to even notice a mere hint of something being wrong, especially with Finns who either like to keep their privacy or don't want to make others worry so they show the 'brave face' on the outside to keep others in the dark about how they really feel inside.

I doubt I'd be that much wiser even if I learned the full context and story of what he'd been up to lately but the what-ifs will always be there like with any involving death. The last time I talked to him, he was very happy about his baby girl while we exchanged some memories of our time in the army: that's how I'll remember him as: the grinning, beaming fellow who had finally grown from boy into a man.

Thanks for the kind words, though; I appreciate it. Should the time come when his daughter is old enough to want to know more about him, I'll try to lift the shroud of darkness a bit and give her some idea of the determined guy who was her father. :)