come back when you can
come back when you can
~ 1630 w, g, (taemin/sulli)
By now, Jinri’s used to reaching his voicemail. In a way, it makes it easier for her to call.
■ inspired by onceuponataem's sad-as-fuck oneshot and this song.
i.
The first person Jinri thinks to say ‘sorry’ to is Taemin. She knows it matters most to him of all people.
To a certain extent, it is a goodbye but it is not a permanent one. Soojung packs Jinri’s bag for her, Qian makes her snacks to take on the drive, Amber tries her best to lighten the mood with her jokes and Luna reminds her that ‘it’s okay’ when it’s really not and closes the car’s door.
Jinri thinks he’ll find out tomorrow if not today. She doesn’t know if she can ever make it alright between them after this but if there’s going to be even the slightest chance then he has to find out from her and not through the vines of gossips; the very same one that ruined her.
She calls and hangs up before Taemin can pick up.
When Seoul city turns into speckle of bright lights in the rear view mirror and Jinri’s constructed something that resembles a comprehensible apology in her head, she calls again to reach his voice mail.
“It’s me…um…I - I don’t know…I - I’m sorry.”
ii.
Nobody recognizes her around here. The days pass by quickly and the night, slowly. Jinri spends her time walking along the seaside and kicking down sand castles she’s built. It’s less of a vacation, more of a prison for self-reflection but the more time she spends going over the origin, the motion and the aftermath of her problems, the more she wants to stay locked up in here and never go back ever again.
She contacts no one and vice versa.
One early morning when it’s so quiet that she thinks the silence is suffocating rather than calming, Jinri turns on her phone for the first time she’s got here and trembles when she dials his number.
“Hey, this is Taemin! I’m not here so leave a message after the *beep*”
The first five seconds is solely dedicated to opening and closing of her mouth, then, “It’s me - Jinri. I - I hope you’re doing well and try - try not to overwork yourself for the debut. I know you’ll do it anyway but I…I guess it doesn’t hurt to say it, right? Um…yeah, good luck. You’ll be great, like always.”
Jinri knows Taemin doesn’t need to hear all of this to know that she still cares.
iii.
“It’s me, I’m doing good...I’ve been here for nearly a week now. It’s me, Jinri, again.”
Taemin’s the past and the future but he is not her present.
They’ve grown up together - smiled at the most insignificant of things, celebrate the hardest of times and whisper white lies in the dark to get through the years. Jinri can’t say she’s always known how she felt about him; he’s been a friend for most part, a lover when the light’s out and the only constant family. She never had a chance to stop for a second and just think; if Jinri did then she thinks she might have figured it out years ago.
iv.
‘f(x)’s Sulli is on a holiday with her alleged boyfriend…’
Because the tabloids would know best; the press knows when she’s having a bad day, knows why she’s been running, knows the name of the boy scrawled across the pages of her journal. Taemin used to joke that they might even know her better than he does. A complete lie because even if this disconnection between them lasts forever; no one else will ever know what her laughter that died down at sixteen sounds like.
Jinri supposed what’s been keeping her up at night is the thought that he’ll never know the truth and spend months buying into the lies they’ve made into money-making news. She could have told him; except she never did. It’s the fear that he might not care; that he might say ‘I see’ in the most disinterested voice and waves off - it would mean that she’s too late now.
“Hi…um…I don’t know if this will matter to you at all, if you don’t then I guess…I guess I’m being selfish and I’m telling you anyway - there wasn’t anyone else after you, still isn’t - I - I’m not dating him, Taemin, I swear.”
v.
By now, Jinri’s used to reaching his voicemail. In a way, it makes it easier for her to call.
“I didn’t forget to catch your debut, even if it’s only on the TV. You always tell me that you hate looking nervous when you performance….you did great, it didn’t even look like your first solo stage. I told you, you would be great, didn’t I?”
vi.
Soojung warned her once that if she keeps pretending like nothing’s there, one of these days Taemin will learn to do the same and walks away un-scattered. She’d laughed it off because nothing and no one can ever take away the forever that’s waiting for the pair of them.
Jinri should have known better and trust the instinct of a girl who’s broken more hearts than one can count with two hands. Because today when Jinri’s standing alone in the kitchen and buttering her piece of burnt toast, she can almost feel him sitting at the table behind her, drinking a cup of bitter coffee she’s made him and telling her about his week.
She thinks what she’s missed the most about him is his friendship: the way he held her hands after a long day to remind her that he's here, the arm he wrapped around her shoulder when they walk along the street on a winter morning, how he danced around the studio room like an idiot to force a smile out of her.
“Hi…um…I know that you don’t want to talk - well, either that or you really are overworking yourself. I - uh - I’ve just made myself some breakfast and it made me think about that summer at your grandma’s house in the country side…and I miss you.”
vii.
She barely leaves her room and sit still in one place for hours trying to remember when and why they stopped talking in the first place. The blames been put on the tight schedule and oversea activities but that’s never stopped them before. Time pulls people apart; that must be it.
(The truth is Jinri never knows how to stay after they kiss or how to admit to herself, to him, to everyone that he’s always been the one.)
Jinri turns her room over at four in the morning because she’d hid the phone two days ago so she would stop leaving unanswered voicemails. She is sobbing, gasping and choking when she finds her cell under the mattress and fumbles for his name on her contact list.
The ‘beep’ tells her to speak but she cries instead. “I - It’s you, Taemin. I know I’m too late but I love you. I’m sorry, I - I never said it back.”
(It takes her four years to say those three words.)
viii.
The next day, she wakes up from the best sleep she’s had in months and a broken clock that says it’s six when it’s one in the afternoon. While cleaning her room, she cuts her feet on the pieces of the vase she’s knocked over and tripped over the cord of the night lamp. Neither of that hurts as much as finding a Polaroid of Taemin and her from their last trip to Lotte World. That was two years ago.
“Hey, when I get back let’s go out for lunch sometimes - or dinner. Whatever you want, I’ll pay.”
ix.
Outside her window, the sun is beginning to set when she gets the call from the lobby that someone’s waiting for her at in the lobby. She paces back and forth in her room for ten minutes, contemplating whether it’s time to pack her bags already.
Jinri doubts she’ll ever be ready to go back to face everyone. That place on the stage, alongside four other girls is not home anymore; it hasn’t been for a while now. She’ll have to return eventually but it won’t be for herself - it will be because she owes it to the rest of them and him, if he’ll have her back.
She guts herself up for the frowning face of her manager and goes down anyway.
The resort is empty; just ringing phones and passing faces with their sun hats but as Jinri turns to leave, it’s staring back at her and she couldn’t believe she didn’t see it the moment she got here - it’s his car parked out at the front.
And when he awkwardly smooths down his hair and takes off his sunglasses, she forgets to breathe altogether. Then he comes closer and Jinri wants to scream at him to not look at her like he used to when they were kids. It's only going to give her false hope.
“Y - You’re here,” She says dumbly when it’s less of a statement and more a question, “What a - are you doing here? You should be catching up on sleep, y - you look exhausted.”
“So do you,” Taemin murmurs softly, as if he couldn’t believe that she’s standing this close to him, “You called me.”
“Yeah,” Jinri nods stiffly, “I did - many times but you didn’t call back. I - it’s okay though, I was being stupid anyway so -“
“It’s not too late.”
“W - what?”
“You’re not too late, Jinri,” He unravels her clenched fists with his fingers, whispers all she needs to hear, “I love you too.”
It’s like staring into the face of a light house; Jinri feels so exposed but never more secure. Taemin’s always made her feel like it’s all going to be okay and even years of unspoken words of disdain, apologies and confessions, he hasn’t changed.
“Come back with me, please?”
Jinri’s been so wrong; Taemin has never left her to begin with.
~ 1630 w, g, (taemin/sulli)
By now, Jinri’s used to reaching his voicemail. In a way, it makes it easier for her to call.
■ inspired by onceuponataem's sad-as-fuck oneshot and this song.
i.
The first person Jinri thinks to say ‘sorry’ to is Taemin. She knows it matters most to him of all people.
To a certain extent, it is a goodbye but it is not a permanent one. Soojung packs Jinri’s bag for her, Qian makes her snacks to take on the drive, Amber tries her best to lighten the mood with her jokes and Luna reminds her that ‘it’s okay’ when it’s really not and closes the car’s door.
Jinri thinks he’ll find out tomorrow if not today. She doesn’t know if she can ever make it alright between them after this but if there’s going to be even the slightest chance then he has to find out from her and not through the vines of gossips; the very same one that ruined her.
She calls and hangs up before Taemin can pick up.
When Seoul city turns into speckle of bright lights in the rear view mirror and Jinri’s constructed something that resembles a comprehensible apology in her head, she calls again to reach his voice mail.
“It’s me…um…I - I don’t know…I - I’m sorry.”
ii.
Nobody recognizes her around here. The days pass by quickly and the night, slowly. Jinri spends her time walking along the seaside and kicking down sand castles she’s built. It’s less of a vacation, more of a prison for self-reflection but the more time she spends going over the origin, the motion and the aftermath of her problems, the more she wants to stay locked up in here and never go back ever again.
She contacts no one and vice versa.
One early morning when it’s so quiet that she thinks the silence is suffocating rather than calming, Jinri turns on her phone for the first time she’s got here and trembles when she dials his number.
“Hey, this is Taemin! I’m not here so leave a message after the *beep*”
The first five seconds is solely dedicated to opening and closing of her mouth, then, “It’s me - Jinri. I - I hope you’re doing well and try - try not to overwork yourself for the debut. I know you’ll do it anyway but I…I guess it doesn’t hurt to say it, right? Um…yeah, good luck. You’ll be great, like always.”
Jinri knows Taemin doesn’t need to hear all of this to know that she still cares.
iii.
“It’s me, I’m doing good...I’ve been here for nearly a week now. It’s me, Jinri, again.”
Taemin’s the past and the future but he is not her present.
They’ve grown up together - smiled at the most insignificant of things, celebrate the hardest of times and whisper white lies in the dark to get through the years. Jinri can’t say she’s always known how she felt about him; he’s been a friend for most part, a lover when the light’s out and the only constant family. She never had a chance to stop for a second and just think; if Jinri did then she thinks she might have figured it out years ago.
iv.
‘f(x)’s Sulli is on a holiday with her alleged boyfriend…’
Because the tabloids would know best; the press knows when she’s having a bad day, knows why she’s been running, knows the name of the boy scrawled across the pages of her journal. Taemin used to joke that they might even know her better than he does. A complete lie because even if this disconnection between them lasts forever; no one else will ever know what her laughter that died down at sixteen sounds like.
Jinri supposed what’s been keeping her up at night is the thought that he’ll never know the truth and spend months buying into the lies they’ve made into money-making news. She could have told him; except she never did. It’s the fear that he might not care; that he might say ‘I see’ in the most disinterested voice and waves off - it would mean that she’s too late now.
“Hi…um…I don’t know if this will matter to you at all, if you don’t then I guess…I guess I’m being selfish and I’m telling you anyway - there wasn’t anyone else after you, still isn’t - I - I’m not dating him, Taemin, I swear.”
v.
By now, Jinri’s used to reaching his voicemail. In a way, it makes it easier for her to call.
“I didn’t forget to catch your debut, even if it’s only on the TV. You always tell me that you hate looking nervous when you performance….you did great, it didn’t even look like your first solo stage. I told you, you would be great, didn’t I?”
vi.
Soojung warned her once that if she keeps pretending like nothing’s there, one of these days Taemin will learn to do the same and walks away un-scattered. She’d laughed it off because nothing and no one can ever take away the forever that’s waiting for the pair of them.
Jinri should have known better and trust the instinct of a girl who’s broken more hearts than one can count with two hands. Because today when Jinri’s standing alone in the kitchen and buttering her piece of burnt toast, she can almost feel him sitting at the table behind her, drinking a cup of bitter coffee she’s made him and telling her about his week.
She thinks what she’s missed the most about him is his friendship: the way he held her hands after a long day to remind her that he's here, the arm he wrapped around her shoulder when they walk along the street on a winter morning, how he danced around the studio room like an idiot to force a smile out of her.
“Hi…um…I know that you don’t want to talk - well, either that or you really are overworking yourself. I - uh - I’ve just made myself some breakfast and it made me think about that summer at your grandma’s house in the country side…and I miss you.”
vii.
She barely leaves her room and sit still in one place for hours trying to remember when and why they stopped talking in the first place. The blames been put on the tight schedule and oversea activities but that’s never stopped them before. Time pulls people apart; that must be it.
(The truth is Jinri never knows how to stay after they kiss or how to admit to herself, to him, to everyone that he’s always been the one.)
Jinri turns her room over at four in the morning because she’d hid the phone two days ago so she would stop leaving unanswered voicemails. She is sobbing, gasping and choking when she finds her cell under the mattress and fumbles for his name on her contact list.
The ‘beep’ tells her to speak but she cries instead. “I - It’s you, Taemin. I know I’m too late but I love you. I’m sorry, I - I never said it back.”
(It takes her four years to say those three words.)
viii.
The next day, she wakes up from the best sleep she’s had in months and a broken clock that says it’s six when it’s one in the afternoon. While cleaning her room, she cuts her feet on the pieces of the vase she’s knocked over and tripped over the cord of the night lamp. Neither of that hurts as much as finding a Polaroid of Taemin and her from their last trip to Lotte World. That was two years ago.
“Hey, when I get back let’s go out for lunch sometimes - or dinner. Whatever you want, I’ll pay.”
ix.
Outside her window, the sun is beginning to set when she gets the call from the lobby that someone’s waiting for her at in the lobby. She paces back and forth in her room for ten minutes, contemplating whether it’s time to pack her bags already.
Jinri doubts she’ll ever be ready to go back to face everyone. That place on the stage, alongside four other girls is not home anymore; it hasn’t been for a while now. She’ll have to return eventually but it won’t be for herself - it will be because she owes it to the rest of them and him, if he’ll have her back.
She guts herself up for the frowning face of her manager and goes down anyway.
The resort is empty; just ringing phones and passing faces with their sun hats but as Jinri turns to leave, it’s staring back at her and she couldn’t believe she didn’t see it the moment she got here - it’s his car parked out at the front.
And when he awkwardly smooths down his hair and takes off his sunglasses, she forgets to breathe altogether. Then he comes closer and Jinri wants to scream at him to not look at her like he used to when they were kids. It's only going to give her false hope.
“Y - You’re here,” She says dumbly when it’s less of a statement and more a question, “What a - are you doing here? You should be catching up on sleep, y - you look exhausted.”
“So do you,” Taemin murmurs softly, as if he couldn’t believe that she’s standing this close to him, “You called me.”
“Yeah,” Jinri nods stiffly, “I did - many times but you didn’t call back. I - it’s okay though, I was being stupid anyway so -“
“It’s not too late.”
“W - what?”
“You’re not too late, Jinri,” He unravels her clenched fists with his fingers, whispers all she needs to hear, “I love you too.”
It’s like staring into the face of a light house; Jinri feels so exposed but never more secure. Taemin’s always made her feel like it’s all going to be okay and even years of unspoken words of disdain, apologies and confessions, he hasn’t changed.
“Come back with me, please?”
Jinri’s been so wrong; Taemin has never left her to begin with.