Finding the center...letting go of that which does not matter
Note: For those that desire brevity, look away for this is not an entry you will be interested in. It's long, the longest ever by me.
This past week has been rather interesting in a dangerous sort of way. It was a peculiar combination carelessness and prudence (if there is such a thing). But for the most part, I found myself alive and in good health at the end of the infamous weekly social gauntlet of Gainesville...of my life.
This past Monday marked the last night of Martini Monday. I thoroughly enjoyed all the great times, interactions, and non-stop drink making. I got a great sense of satisfaction being apart of my friends' fun and laughter. Its been a great run, but most all good things must eventually come to an end. I wanted to end it on a joyous note...and it did. About 75 kids showed up. Aside from the regulars, I was pleasantly surprised by the new faces that came through. After we cleaned up for the last time, we headed off to UC to dance. I was happy and content, just as I felt my friends were. We danced our sweet sweet asses off (hehe). It's nice how happiness has a way of helping you let go and indulge in shameless fun. I couldn't have asked for more that night.
Tuesday night bought about some unusual madness my way. There was a lot going on that night. I had friends DJ-ing at faces for 80's/indie night, I wanted to support my friends in the beat buttons who were playing early at the UC, I wanted to support Steve at UC for 80's/90's night, and I wanted to hang out with my visiting friend from Germany, Lena. I planned perhaps too much to do. Any ways, after getting coffee at Maude's, I went to pick up Diane and Greg. We had a couple of drinks and went to Faces. Craziness was abundant in faces that night for some reason. I knew drama was going to be hard to evade that night. Diane tends to get rowdy when she drinks and started putting chokeholds on Greg and I. Later she bit me on the face ready hard...ahh! I saw my friend Alison and jumped head first into her drama. Some socially inept guy she barely knew was angry and pressing her really hard for backing out on hanging out. I couldn't stand aside as I he harassed my shy friend. I got in the middle, said a few words, and backed him off. Alison was really relieved and grateful. I was ready for the worst and I think he could feel that.
Shortly, after that, I went to UC. I had just missed my friends’ band, but I ran into Lena and Brandon. We laughed and danced. We then went to Lena's rental and drank the real Jagermister and some Absinthe. It put me in the best mood. Everything felt so nice and beautiful. We danced till close, and then I took everyone home. When I was dropping Diane off, I hug her good night; she kissed me on the cheek, and open the door to leave. Suddenly, she closed the door and attacked me. I wished I had turned away, but I didn’t. I was tipsy but that’s no excuse for being careless. This was going to complicate things. Although it was just kissing, kissing is very significant and sacred to me, not something I take lightly and do for simple/frizzles fun. She’s the 8th person I’ve ever kissed, and the second person I’ve kissed that I wasn’t in some way in love with. I felt bad but what occurred that night but what’s done is done. The next day I talked to her and told her I deeply valued her friendship but that I couldn’t be what she wanted me to be. She was disappointed and hurt but she knows I’m a good person trying to be fair and honest to her. I apologized again. We talked some more and she promised to still be my friend.
Thursday night was the opening night for the Atlantic. My friends and I got together in my office before hand for some pre dancing cocktails. I gave Karin a bottle of jack and we took a shot of absinthe together in celebration of her birthday. Tears of joy…silence of contentment. What a great evening. Even Jackie came out (*trice in one week + 1*), and was yet again fantastic to dance with ;)
Friday involved a lot of absinthe and bourbon. I went to Atlantic once again for their first show. My friends sounded good. The last band, hollopa, sounded all right but they were putting me to sleep in a bad way. The place in general looked great though. I didn’t quite have an opportunity to check things out the night before. They have the arcade game “joust”, which consumed $3 from my knee-highs. By closing, I had to make it a priority to try to get some rest before my 8 am/3 hour kung-fu seminar on the wonders of horse stance. For those unfamiliar with the horse stance, you place your feet about 2 shoulder widths apart and swat down till your thighs are parallel to the ground. The average person cannot hold it for longer than a minute. It requires tremendous mental strength. I must eventually be able to hold it for an hour. Yikes!
Saturday. After an hour and a half of sleep (I know I know), I went to my kung-fu school for the 8 am horse stance seminar. I really don’t know how to describe the experience. In a long state of constant and increasing pain, one goes through pretty much the entire emotional spectrum. While people around me were collapsing and moaning in agony, I focused as far way from myself as I could and I did well and stayed on my feet. I held up to the pain and constantly embraced the tornado of emotions within. In the dark, staring at a burning candle and hearing chains swing in the background, I thought upon the past & present. I thought about the decisions I’ve made through out my life the lead me here. I thought about the fullness and emptiness within. I thought about the people I once knew and what they meant. I reminisced on the bittersweet taste of love. I thought about you.
These thoughts carried me through. These thoughts always carry me through.
Later that day, niki came down from Tallahassee to see me. She was being really sweet. There were some moments she would just stare at me perhaps hoping to hear me say something sweet and tender to her once again. There was subtle touching as well through out the day. I know she wants to get back together. I know she feels it’s still possible. Like I’ve said before, a part of my heart will always belong to her, but I can’t be with her again. Despite this, we had a really nice time together. We walked through the duck pond area and played on the swing set at Ropers (?) Park for hours it seemed. It was good quality time. No sadness. No regrets. She left shortly after sun down.
That night I drank a lot of absinthe with Phil and went to Atlantic again to meet up with friends and visiting friends for booty night. Sarah P’s mom was in town and I dirty it up with her for a while. After an hour or so, I couldn’t get myself to continue dancing. The music just wasn’t hitting home for me. Go figure. Afterwards, I went over to Greg’s B-day party at Gabrielle’s. There was some intention in the air. Diane was there. She knew I spent the afternoon with niki, and I know she still harvesting feelings for me I don’t think I’ll ever able to requite. We talked for a while. She was quite tipsy and told me in detail how much she enjoyed what occurred the other night. It kind of embarrassed me but it was intended to be a compliment I assume. She then proceeded to make her rounds, as did I. I saw Alis there as well. She used to be very sweet and warm to me but after an incident that occurred a month ago similar (but milder) to the situation with Diane if you can believe (I know I know…it’s crazy), she’s been very distant and cold to me. In that situation I pulled away quickly, but in the nicest way I could manage. I didn’t want to make her feel rejected, but I can’t requite feelings with someone who’s “involved”. It clearly wouldn’t be right. I saw Carrie there too. There has been something different about her I can’t quite put my finger on. There’s this hyper volatile feeling I get from her. She’s always been very unpredictable, but…I don’t know what’s going on. I want to believe she is doing well like she says, but intuition tells me otherwise. We can’t even have a passing conversation that can last more than 10 seconds before her mind gets distracted by a tangent. She called me last night and there was an uncomfortable silence for most of the conversation. That’s how it’s been. It’s like she wants to get something off her chest but stays in silence instead. I’ll call her today. Regardless, Carrie has a heart of gold, which still absolutely amazes me.
On a funny note: The b-day boy, Greg, call this girl he like and wanted to leave a mysterious message or something. The answer machine clicked on and he chickened out and gave me the phone. I then said into the receiver, “Greg…are these your panties or mine?” Well, apparently I wasn’t supposed to mention his name. He buried his head into the couch afterwards. Oops...my bad holms. I spent the rest of the evening on the rooftop having good conversations with my little grasshoppers, Kyle & Phil.
Sunday. My day of rest. I worked on my stone sculpture piece, BBQ with my brother, Kristy, and Phil, then took a nice motor cycle ride to Maude’s and relaxed among the company of friends.
Monday. Press rewind, right? It was DJ Eric’s last night. He wasn’t very pleased with the night though. It was fun nonetheless. Good times as always. There were interesting energies about that night. hmmm…
