#7: make a brand new ground (let the rain remix you) (for strawberrymalt)
Title: Make a brand new ground (Let the rain remix you)
Fandom: 2PM
Pairing(s)/Focus: Taecyeon/Chansung, past!Taecyeon/Minjun
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 4800 words
Work remixed: Let the rain kiss you by strawberrymalt
Summary: Some kinds of pain are not to be avoided.
Notes/Warnings: In case the rating is not a hint, there’s sex. Thank you dear writer for giving me the chance to remix one of your stories! :)
x
His knuckles were white, fingers gripping at the sheets. He was not entirely aware of the sounds he made, but they were there, moans and gasps accompanied by the sounds of his lover. Taecyeon’s voice calling out his name as he yanked at his hair and bit hard at his shoulder was as pleasant as the light shivers caused by the hot breath of air that ghosted over his back.
Chansung’s mouth hung open when he was not digging his teeth in his own arms or hands. He was lost in the moment where he couldn’t ask for Taecyeon to ride him harder or deeper anymore-- only because all his strength was consumed by them both already fucking harder and deeper with each thrust. He wished this could last forever, this building, intense heat that seemed about to spread all over his body from the inside.
His hips were seized by Taecyeon, who pulled them back up one last time as Chansung’s arms seemed to be melting on the mattress. Taecyeon held onto him, skin to skin, flesh to flesh, his erratic breathing going down Chansung’s spine. There were brief pauses in between sharp inhalations that didn’t make any of them calm down. Chansung felt like he couldn’t move, nor did he want to. He wanted Taecyeon to stay right there, just like that, deep inside of him, on top of him, all around him.
And they stayed like that, for a moment that could surely rival what forever might be.
As Taecyeon finally rolled to the side, Chansung clung to all remaining sensations. Especially the brief impression of being afloat even though he had been under the weight of Taecyeon’s body.
“Hey, don’t sleep yet.”
Chansung smiled against the sheets when he heard that, the teasing tone in Taecyeon’s voice followed by a nudging knee against his thigh. He turned to look at Taecyeon with a long sigh of fulfillment that probably matched the expression on his face. “I’m not,” he mumbled, even though he felt like closing his eyes to let himself be welcome in dreamland.
“You will be soon if I let you.” Despite the soft way he said that, Taecyeon didn’t sound like he would be that nice to him. Not that Chansung minded the way the other cradled in, entwining their legs as he pulled Chansung’s thigh over his own thigh and then caressed it, his hand resting on the hipbone. “Stay with me.”
The whisper had an underlain request. Chansung took a deep breath and blinked a few times to fight off the drowsiness. Taecyeon knew of effective ways to help him; he pinched his skin and rubbed his cold feet against Chansung’s ankles. “Not fair,” Chansung complained through a laugh that rose in volume as Taecyeon held his wrists before he could stop the other from tickling him.
Taecyeon had lovely dimples that appeared whenever he grinned mischievously, which was happening right now. That was worth the tickles and tingles which left Chansung breathless for the second time that night, probably way too soon.
He freed himself of Taecyeon’s grasp easily and held his hands up between their bodies. There wasn’t much space to do that considering they were lying face to face on the bed, but that just meant he could take the chance to touch Taecyeon’s chest and push him back. “Stop it,” he demanded, though he was smiling and had no intention of untangling their legs.
Taecyeon hummed as if weighing the pros and cons of complying with that. Chansung punched him lightly to make a point, and they shared a laugh. Taecyeon moved in closer, fingers sliding up his back until they found his neck and hair, stroking it in ways that had Chansung shivering slightly. His eyes went the same way, moving up Chansung’s body like a caress until they found Chansung’s own eyes gazing back at him.
Chansung could fall asleep to the soft touches Taecyeon kept gifting him, but his body could also awaken to that stare, to the warmth between the two of them. Not yet, at least not while they were both still shaken, their bodies spent. It felt good though, to have Taecyeon’s hands on him like this, the gentleness opposed to the roughness of before. They were both welcome.
“Do you remember... do you remember the first time?” Taecyeon’s voice was passionate, almost feverish, as if they were making love still, as if Chansung had just turned him breathless with deep kisses and careful strokes. But they were barely moving now, Taecyeon’s hands just grazing Chansung’s skin as the latter touched his chest, his shoulders, his hair, fingertips pressing lightly into Taecyeon’s flesh.
Of course Chansung remembered. Taecyeon had helped him out of his soaked clothes and made sure the cool dampness of his rain-drenched hair and body was replaced by the hot water of a long shower whose steam came from their fucking as well. It had been intense, almost wild, and good. Chansung couldn’t say it had been unexpected because he knew it would probably happen from the moment he accepted Taecyeon take him to his place instead of home. But the way it happened, the way they seemed to have found each other-- Taecyeon fucked him as if he were riding some frustration out through Chansung’s body, and he seemed to like it when Chansung responded by marking his body in turn. Each scratch, bite and bruise added to the building heat that took them from the shower to the bed, and the kitchen counter in between. Chansung couldn't remember if he had ever forgotten to eat because he was distracted by something as satisfying as that before. All that had been unexpected, as much as but differently from when Taecyeon nearly kicked Chansung out the morning after, only to seek him out again a few days later.
Taecyeon knew him well enough now to pick up the gradual stillness of his movements, the slight furrowing of his brows. "I hurt you... in more ways than one."
Chansung didn’t deny that, didn’t reassure him because it was true. It was also past; they had both overcome that moment of uncertainty where they still knew so little of each other and what little they knew could be so tricky. However, the fact that Taecyeon was bringing this up again, now-- weeks before their first anniversary, when Chansung felt warmth spreading through his body every time he thought of Taecyeon and everything they had gone through-- he sensed there was something else to it. And Chansung trusted his instincts. They had guided him to where he was now, and he wouldn’t regret it, no matter what lay beneath that shadow in Taecyeon’s eyes.
Taecyeon’s fingers reached for Chansung’s until he could squeeze them and then entwine their hands, his eyes never leaving the other’s. “I wasn’t entirely honest with you.”
There was a moment of silence while Chansung digested the words, the strength of his hold on Taecyeon’s hand not reassuring like the other had tried to be. His first thought was to disentangle himself from Taecyeon, who had just admitted to lying to him. But then he recalled that stormy morning that followed their first night together, the pain on Taecyeon’s face when he apologized for that later, and how he had struggled to find the right words back then. Maybe he had struggled all this time. With all that considered, Chansung took a deep breath that reminded him of how nice it would be to fall asleep right now. But his heart would not let him rest until the questions which he could not even put into words yet were assuaged. He had to wait for Taecyeon to speak first.
“I was not... Minjun and I, we had...” Chansung did try to snatch his hand away when he heard that name but Taecyeon held on to his fingers, his eyes pleading for him to listen. The silence stretched between them as Taecyeon opened his mouth and closed it again twice before finding the words he needed, words that might hurt Chansung no matter how he weaved them together. “We had already broken up when I met you. He was not my boyfriend anymore.”
Chansung thought he would forget to breathe for a second or two, maybe look at Taecyeon with his mouth hanging open and eyes wide after hearing what the other had to say. He did neither of those things. After a moment that made his chest burn with the recollection of the guilt he had felt for getting involved with somebody who was supposedly in another relationship-- he decided to voice his thoughts instead of letting them eat him. “You feel bad because you weren’t cheating on anyone with me?” He looked at Taecyeon earnestly, but the other didn’t answer. It seemed they were both struggling with what to say now. Chansung closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to put himself in Taecyeon’s shoes both in the past and now. There was something else. Taecyeon had referred to Minjun as his boyfriend when they were in his car on that rainy day. There had been a reason for that. “I knew what I was getting myself into-- or I thought I did. But I mean... I was okay with being the other. I should be happy that I never was...” his voice quieted down and the words trailed off as he questioned Taecyeon with his eyes.
“Some people cheat on their partners because they’re not in love with them anymore,” Taecyeon mumbled, and Chansung recognized the words. His own words, words he had told Taecyeon when he came to apologize. Chansung didn’t exactly agree with that, but he wanted to understand why Taecyeon had gotten so agitated the next morning, and he thought Taecyeon felt guilty for betraying his boyfriend. He had been wrong about that, but for a detail.
“Some people believe that love and sex are different things. Others simply don’t mind if their partners have sex with somebody else.” Chansung heard himself say that again, words he had told Taecyeon on a day that now seemed a long time ago. He had lost sense of what he could trust as real or not now, and he didn’t like how groundless he felt then. He had been so pleasantly elevated a few moments ago, but the sensation he had now was of floating in mid-air, suspended while waiting to see if he would fall and drown or if there would be a parachute to save him.
“I’m not any of those,” Taecyeon said-- and there they were, finally, the words he hadn’t been able to say before. Not all of them, though. But he had simply shaken his head back then, and now Chansung felt something buzzing at the back of his mind, a realization just waiting for him to gather more information so it could take shape.
“Of course you’re not,” Chansung answered calmly, because Taecyeon’s behavior showed that. They could call it any way they wanted but when they fucked they made love. Chansung wouldn’t want to be with anyone else and the thought didn’t even cross his mind, but he also knew Taecyeon wouldn’t bear it. While he was with Taecyeon, he was Taecyeon’s lover, and his alone. Chansung liked that. He had always liked being free, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy this new experience while it lasted.
“How about you?”
Chansung sighed. It might be fair that Taecyeon asked that since they were having this conversation. He still felt like complaining, because Taecyeon should know by now, but if they were putting the cards on the table it was better to quench any doubts the other had as well. “I think it’s different every time-- to me,” Chansung stressed the last two words while looking into his lover’s eyes. Taecyeon was not the type to adapt so easily or to want to change his mind about things like that, whereas Chansung saw every experience as an opportunity to expand his horizons because every person was different. Moreover, every person could be many different persons in the same lifetime, at the same time, depending on so many different factors. But he had to focus on this one topic now, one that had to deal with how they saw each other and what they expected of one another. He still remembered how he saw his first meeting with Taecyeon. “Even if it’s just sex, if you don’t care at all, it won’t be as good. Some things are meant to happen just once. I thought you’d be one of those-- one of my could-have-been’s. I’d fall for you one night, maybe for a few days, and not expect anything else.” He smiled, because he had been ready for anything-- to fall for Taecyeon, be it a little or too much, to be heartbroken, to pick up the pieces of himself if need be. But he would do it, and he had done it. The more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself he would do it all over again. But there was one thing he might change, one he could still change now. The realization hit him, but just like Taecyeon, he needed to make sure of what he thought he knew. “You ought to tell me.”
Even though Taecyeon was the one to answer, he seemed to be bracing himself for his own words. For Chansung’s reaction to them. “I was still in love with him.”
This time, when Chansung pulled his hand back, Taecyeon let it go. Chansung didn’t turn away or sit up, he just rolled so he would be lying on his back, staring at the ceiling until it blurred along with his jumbled up thoughts. How long? How far into their own relationship had they been while Taecyeon still had feelings for another man? Did Chansung have the right to feel betrayed by that? Did it matter now? Did it change how he himself felt for Taecyeon? Could he trust his gut about this and just let it be?
“That day,” Taecyeon’s voice sounded far away whereas Chansung felt like ignoring his next words because they might make it harder for him to go back to “normal,” to believe what he had believed was still true. “That day I met you, I had just-- called him because I saw him at that mall and I thought that maybe if I just talked to him, we could work things out, but he-- and then you got in the car...”
Chansung heard him turn to lie on his back as well. He watched from the corner of his eye as Taecyeon rubbed at his face and then rested an arm over his forehead. He was not done talking, but he needed some more time. Chansung also needed it. He could see it as if it were a movie in his head: the moment he entered Taecyeon’s car by accident and Taecyeon almost kissed him because he had thought it was his boyfriend-- ex-boyfriend. Maybe, in his heart, Minjun was still Taecyeon’s boyfriend, so he hadn’t exactly lied to Chansung because he was not lying to himself either. Feelings were and would always be much more complicated than whatever words used to explain them.
“I was not ready for you. Sometimes I’m still amazed by you, by what happened, and that-- this might sound ridiculous, Chansung, but it was like you held my heart softly but it turned into a grip that became stronger every time we got together again.”
Chansung’s sigh could be a smile as air leaving his nostrils, and he turned to face Taecyeon again. Taecyeon was speaking like Chansung might, and that made him feel warm again, the words mending pieces of himself he did not know were even waiting to be healed. His voice was soft, nearly hesitant when he uttered the one other thing he needed to know. “I’m just trying to understand what you mean by all this,” he started, as if apologizing. “Are you still in love with him?”
“No.” Taecyeon stated, not too fast or slow, his eyes steady when he looked up at Chansung, who was supporting his head on his hand as his eyes took in every hint of the truth in that one single word on Taecyeon’s face.
Chansung’s face softened, but what he had to say was hard. “What if he showed up here now?” His voice was not accusing at all, but he knew the words were heavy and he saw it in Taecyeon’s eyes. “What if he told you he still loves you, that he wants to try again, that he keeps remembering--”
“He won’t--”
“But that’s how our heart often works. We know what’s reasonable and what’s likely to happen, but we can’t control all our feelings like that.” He surprised Taecyeon by moving closer to straddle him, tugging at his hair as if that might help him hold the answers. The readiness with which Taecyeon’s hands reached for his skin to caress his thighs and hips made Chansung smile in contentment, his own fingers now gentle in their stroking of the other’s hair. “I’m sure you’ve thought about that. If you still loved him, you still hoped.”
Chansung could see Taecyeon wanted to deny that. But he didn’t say anything, perhaps because he didn’t want to lie or conceal anything anymore. Chansung nodded in understanding.
“Do you ever stop loving someone?” His voice was a quiet whisper of doubt and wonder. He might be reciting part of a poem he knew by heart and Taecyeon wouldn't know. His eyes wandered to the room around them but also beyond that, not really looking at anything. That was something he had thought about many times. His voice, somewhat distant but still truthful in the way he delivered each word, only added to that impression. What he said next was something he believed to be true, or at least believed to be possible. “Parts of him are still in you. Parts of you are still in him. We never leave completely... And I wouldn’t wish you to forget me once our time comes. I know I won’t be able to forget you, and I hope I won’t try to.”
“We’re not breaking up--” Taecyeon’s voice had an urgency that made Chansung’s heart soar. That was love, but he still placed one finger over Taecyeon’s lips to shush him. He hoped his eyes showed what he felt, just like the slow-coming smile accompanied by a quiet sigh of amusement.
“No, we’re not.” Not today, he didn’t say.
Taecyeon tried to ask him something else, but Chansung silenced him with a kiss reminiscent of their first one, when neither of them had closed their eyes completely. It was as if the world might collapse around them and they had to make sure that wouldn’t happen, but once the kiss deepened they forgot about the possible consequences and gave in to each other instead. They should know better now-- the world wouldn’t collapse, just continue turning and changing almost imperceptibly, just like them.
Chansung let go of that-- thoughts of first meetings, illusions and uncertainties dissolved. He focused on the taste of Taecyeon’s mouth against his lips, the tongue that savored him when Chansung was not biting or sucking at it, the teeth that grazed at his chin when he gasped because Taecyeon was touching his cock. That was real. He felt it, intensely, and he craved for more. Chansung looked down between their bodies and moved down so he would be sliding against Taecyeon’s length, and the other took the hint.
Taecyeon’s smile was one of pleasure and contentment for Chansung’s reactions to their grinding hips. He grabbed at Chansung’s hair and pulled him in for another kiss, but Chansung broke it to take hold of his hands and move them to his buttocks. He was still rocking down against Taecyeon, who squeezed at his flesh and moved his own hips up against him.
Chansung let out a shaky sound that might have been a moan through smiling lips that brushed over Taecyeon’s. He supported the weight of his body on his hands, one of which clenched around the sheets under Taecyeon’s back as the latter teased at the cleft of his ass. Chansung stopped moving for a moment. He wanted to enjoy the hot sensation that spread within his body and that meant he wouldn’t be able to do much else for now.
Taecyeon didn’t seem to mind; in fact, he grinned against Chansung’s cheek while pressing a finger into him. Chansung’s parted lips let out low sounds and heated air that went down Taecyeon’s neck, which encouraged him to go further. One hand clenched firmly around Chansung’s hipbone only to keep him from either moving back against him or moving away, which would be out of pure reflex anyway-- Chansung had no intentions of going anywhere. He was right where he wanted to be. He just wanted to get even closer to Taecyeon now.
“Wait,” Chansung breathed, and almost regretted it a second later when Taecyeon stopped. The latter looked at him with confused eyes and Chansung kissed him, turning what would have been a laugh into the humming of his lips against Taecyeon’s. He didn’t mean anything by that word, he was just about to do something that would make it easier for them to go on.
Taecyeon’s inquiring eyes wrinkled at the edges as he stared at him, probably wondering what Chansung was thinking. The lines on Taecyeon’s face were a map to his soul, a testimony to his charming mirth and laughing eyes. Chansung traced them with light fingers that went to Taecyeon’s hair as they kept staring at each other. He heaved a slow sigh that came from Taecyeon’s fingers ghosting over his skin, going up his sides near his shoulders and then down to his hips again, ever downer, as if teasing him. Chansung had wanted to say and do something else earlier but now he was lost in the gradual pleasure that came with Taecyeon constantly touching him while still waiting for him to move.
Chansung leaned in till their lips were brushing and he saw Taecyeon’s eyelids droop before he did the same as they kissed leisurely. Lips were tasted and gently nibbled before their tongues found each other. Chansung felt himself moving on top of Taecyeon in response to that heated, continuous encounter that always led to new explorations. Taecyeon held him at the base of the spine and pressed them closer together, moving up against him in turn, without haste. Chansung breathed him in, took in his scent, breathed out pleasure as their unique electricity ran through him. It was like being reconnected again, skin to skin, body to body.
Chansung only broke their kiss to bite at Taecyeon’s chin with the intention to tell him what he wanted. The way Taecyeon exposed his neck made him smile and he just had to take the offer to graze his teeth down the throat and feel at the pulse with his tongue. He heard and felt Taecyeon sighing under him, his hands still caressing Chansung’s back. Chansung shivered; he lifted his hips just enough as he looked down between their bodies to see them moving together. Then Taecyeon reached between them and the added touch had Chansung hissing; he could picture the other’s smile even as he closed his eyes. He wanted to keep looking, but the need to give in to what he felt then was stronger.
“Taec...” It was his turn to sigh, but it turned into a gasp as the pace picked up and Taecyeon made Chansung throb over him. He bit into his own lip to bite back any pleading sounds that might lead Taecyeon to finish him this way, and that was not what he wanted. It was good, it would have been great, but Chansung wanted to save the energy he still had for something even better. He didn’t tell Taecyeon to wait this time, though. He simply moved up to whisper in his ear while Taecyeon still worked him, “I want you to take me. Like the first time.”
An almost inaudible but much appreciated noise came from the back of Taecyeon’s throat. When Chansung met his eyes, he was delighted by the other’s gaze, the dilated pupils, the intense desire they both shared. He felt a shiver run through him that was not only from the way Taecyeon gripped at his hips, but also from the expectation of what was to come.
Chansung bumped their noses gently and the kiss that didn’t happen had his lips tugging up. He touched Taecyeon’s wrists as if to tell him he was not going anywhere and the other loosened the grip, but his hands stayed there, warm on his skin. Chansung’s eyes smiled at Taecyeon’s. He moved his ass down and then up Taecyeon’s cock to make it clear the other was not to change their positions. The flicker in Taecyeon’s eyes told him he understood. That flame spread from one to the other as they kissed again. Chansung kept the friction going on until Taecyeon groaned into his mouth and he savored it. He licked at Taecyeon’s lips and repeated the move one last time before looking for what was between Taecyeon’s pillow and his own, almost hidden underneath. The location was an accidental consequence after they had moved around in bed while making use of those things.
Taecyeon watched as Chansung ripped a condom package open and moved to sit briefly on his thighs, just long enough to put it on him. It might have been a late response to Chansung’s demand, but Taecyeon sat up suddenly to claim him in a searing kiss and hands that yanked at his hair and clenched around his nape. There was a millisecond of surprise before Chansung gave back just as fiercely, clawing at his shoulders for support as they rocked together again, so close yet different from what they both craved right now. When they parted-- Chansung had reached for the lube-- Taecyeon’s touch turned to a gentle stroke of the strands that fell around Chansung’s face, so tender that Chansung closed his eyes lest he break some kind of spell that seemed to have sparked between them. “You’re one rare snowflake, winter child.”
Chansung blinked twice before he gazed steadily at Taecyeon. He had never been called that before, and after a moment of wonderment it dawned on him a possible reason for Taecyeon to have done that-- it was not only the reference to the first time they had been together, something which Taecyeon had also brought up to start their previous conversation. It had more to do with the latter itself-- the revelation and how Chansung had probably reacted differently than Taecyeon had expected. “You’re also a winter child,” Chansung said, the ghost of a smile on his lips.
“But you were born in the middle of winter,” Taecyeon retorted, his lips curving up. Chansung couldn’t help but let the contentment show on his face too when he heard him say that, with that look of adoration on his face. “What I mean is...” Taecyeon trailed off. Chansung was spreading lube on his own hands; he felt the other watching him again, but he pretended not to notice it as he wrapped coated fingers around Taecyeon’s cock. He started off slowly, but Taecyeon was panting soon, mumbling his pleasure while Chansung pumped him, speeding up gradually. Taecyeon never finished that sentence. Chansung didn’t think it was necessary.
What he thought was necessary and he established next was their looking into each other’s eyes as he lowered himself onto Taecyeon, gradually, carefully, finally. They didn’t exactly kiss yet, but their lips were touching when he answered, almost like an afterthought, “You were born just two days after Christmas...” his arms slid around Taecyeon’s neck until they were both so close Chansung was all around him, while Taecyeon was deep inside him. “Like a belated present,” and he moved slowly on Taecyeon’s lap, adjusting until he found the best way for him to actually move, for them to give each other a ride they wouldn’t forget.
Taecyeon looked at him with burning eyes that could often be followed by impatient hands and hips and thrusts, but he was letting Chansung lead this. He did hold Chansung but it was lightly. It would become a firm grip at times to help him up and down, and up again. “You’re my present,” he said as their bodies fit together again and again, till they found their own rhythm.
Chansung still felt like saying one more thing before he gave in to the building pleasure that would render him unable to think about anything other than Taecyeon sending them both to a world of bliss. “Unfold me,” he mumbled. Chansung looked briefly at Taecyeon as he said that, words to wrap things up but that would undo both of them, eventually. The fire which came to life in Taecyeon’s eyes said he was more than glad to comply.
x
Fandom: 2PM
Pairing(s)/Focus: Taecyeon/Chansung, past!Taecyeon/Minjun
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 4800 words
Work remixed: Let the rain kiss you by strawberrymalt
Summary: Some kinds of pain are not to be avoided.
Notes/Warnings: In case the rating is not a hint, there’s sex. Thank you dear writer for giving me the chance to remix one of your stories! :)
x
His knuckles were white, fingers gripping at the sheets. He was not entirely aware of the sounds he made, but they were there, moans and gasps accompanied by the sounds of his lover. Taecyeon’s voice calling out his name as he yanked at his hair and bit hard at his shoulder was as pleasant as the light shivers caused by the hot breath of air that ghosted over his back.
Chansung’s mouth hung open when he was not digging his teeth in his own arms or hands. He was lost in the moment where he couldn’t ask for Taecyeon to ride him harder or deeper anymore-- only because all his strength was consumed by them both already fucking harder and deeper with each thrust. He wished this could last forever, this building, intense heat that seemed about to spread all over his body from the inside.
His hips were seized by Taecyeon, who pulled them back up one last time as Chansung’s arms seemed to be melting on the mattress. Taecyeon held onto him, skin to skin, flesh to flesh, his erratic breathing going down Chansung’s spine. There were brief pauses in between sharp inhalations that didn’t make any of them calm down. Chansung felt like he couldn’t move, nor did he want to. He wanted Taecyeon to stay right there, just like that, deep inside of him, on top of him, all around him.
And they stayed like that, for a moment that could surely rival what forever might be.
As Taecyeon finally rolled to the side, Chansung clung to all remaining sensations. Especially the brief impression of being afloat even though he had been under the weight of Taecyeon’s body.
“Hey, don’t sleep yet.”
Chansung smiled against the sheets when he heard that, the teasing tone in Taecyeon’s voice followed by a nudging knee against his thigh. He turned to look at Taecyeon with a long sigh of fulfillment that probably matched the expression on his face. “I’m not,” he mumbled, even though he felt like closing his eyes to let himself be welcome in dreamland.
“You will be soon if I let you.” Despite the soft way he said that, Taecyeon didn’t sound like he would be that nice to him. Not that Chansung minded the way the other cradled in, entwining their legs as he pulled Chansung’s thigh over his own thigh and then caressed it, his hand resting on the hipbone. “Stay with me.”
The whisper had an underlain request. Chansung took a deep breath and blinked a few times to fight off the drowsiness. Taecyeon knew of effective ways to help him; he pinched his skin and rubbed his cold feet against Chansung’s ankles. “Not fair,” Chansung complained through a laugh that rose in volume as Taecyeon held his wrists before he could stop the other from tickling him.
Taecyeon had lovely dimples that appeared whenever he grinned mischievously, which was happening right now. That was worth the tickles and tingles which left Chansung breathless for the second time that night, probably way too soon.
He freed himself of Taecyeon’s grasp easily and held his hands up between their bodies. There wasn’t much space to do that considering they were lying face to face on the bed, but that just meant he could take the chance to touch Taecyeon’s chest and push him back. “Stop it,” he demanded, though he was smiling and had no intention of untangling their legs.
Taecyeon hummed as if weighing the pros and cons of complying with that. Chansung punched him lightly to make a point, and they shared a laugh. Taecyeon moved in closer, fingers sliding up his back until they found his neck and hair, stroking it in ways that had Chansung shivering slightly. His eyes went the same way, moving up Chansung’s body like a caress until they found Chansung’s own eyes gazing back at him.
Chansung could fall asleep to the soft touches Taecyeon kept gifting him, but his body could also awaken to that stare, to the warmth between the two of them. Not yet, at least not while they were both still shaken, their bodies spent. It felt good though, to have Taecyeon’s hands on him like this, the gentleness opposed to the roughness of before. They were both welcome.
“Do you remember... do you remember the first time?” Taecyeon’s voice was passionate, almost feverish, as if they were making love still, as if Chansung had just turned him breathless with deep kisses and careful strokes. But they were barely moving now, Taecyeon’s hands just grazing Chansung’s skin as the latter touched his chest, his shoulders, his hair, fingertips pressing lightly into Taecyeon’s flesh.
Of course Chansung remembered. Taecyeon had helped him out of his soaked clothes and made sure the cool dampness of his rain-drenched hair and body was replaced by the hot water of a long shower whose steam came from their fucking as well. It had been intense, almost wild, and good. Chansung couldn’t say it had been unexpected because he knew it would probably happen from the moment he accepted Taecyeon take him to his place instead of home. But the way it happened, the way they seemed to have found each other-- Taecyeon fucked him as if he were riding some frustration out through Chansung’s body, and he seemed to like it when Chansung responded by marking his body in turn. Each scratch, bite and bruise added to the building heat that took them from the shower to the bed, and the kitchen counter in between. Chansung couldn't remember if he had ever forgotten to eat because he was distracted by something as satisfying as that before. All that had been unexpected, as much as but differently from when Taecyeon nearly kicked Chansung out the morning after, only to seek him out again a few days later.
Taecyeon knew him well enough now to pick up the gradual stillness of his movements, the slight furrowing of his brows. "I hurt you... in more ways than one."
Chansung didn’t deny that, didn’t reassure him because it was true. It was also past; they had both overcome that moment of uncertainty where they still knew so little of each other and what little they knew could be so tricky. However, the fact that Taecyeon was bringing this up again, now-- weeks before their first anniversary, when Chansung felt warmth spreading through his body every time he thought of Taecyeon and everything they had gone through-- he sensed there was something else to it. And Chansung trusted his instincts. They had guided him to where he was now, and he wouldn’t regret it, no matter what lay beneath that shadow in Taecyeon’s eyes.
Taecyeon’s fingers reached for Chansung’s until he could squeeze them and then entwine their hands, his eyes never leaving the other’s. “I wasn’t entirely honest with you.”
There was a moment of silence while Chansung digested the words, the strength of his hold on Taecyeon’s hand not reassuring like the other had tried to be. His first thought was to disentangle himself from Taecyeon, who had just admitted to lying to him. But then he recalled that stormy morning that followed their first night together, the pain on Taecyeon’s face when he apologized for that later, and how he had struggled to find the right words back then. Maybe he had struggled all this time. With all that considered, Chansung took a deep breath that reminded him of how nice it would be to fall asleep right now. But his heart would not let him rest until the questions which he could not even put into words yet were assuaged. He had to wait for Taecyeon to speak first.
“I was not... Minjun and I, we had...” Chansung did try to snatch his hand away when he heard that name but Taecyeon held on to his fingers, his eyes pleading for him to listen. The silence stretched between them as Taecyeon opened his mouth and closed it again twice before finding the words he needed, words that might hurt Chansung no matter how he weaved them together. “We had already broken up when I met you. He was not my boyfriend anymore.”
Chansung thought he would forget to breathe for a second or two, maybe look at Taecyeon with his mouth hanging open and eyes wide after hearing what the other had to say. He did neither of those things. After a moment that made his chest burn with the recollection of the guilt he had felt for getting involved with somebody who was supposedly in another relationship-- he decided to voice his thoughts instead of letting them eat him. “You feel bad because you weren’t cheating on anyone with me?” He looked at Taecyeon earnestly, but the other didn’t answer. It seemed they were both struggling with what to say now. Chansung closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to put himself in Taecyeon’s shoes both in the past and now. There was something else. Taecyeon had referred to Minjun as his boyfriend when they were in his car on that rainy day. There had been a reason for that. “I knew what I was getting myself into-- or I thought I did. But I mean... I was okay with being the other. I should be happy that I never was...” his voice quieted down and the words trailed off as he questioned Taecyeon with his eyes.
“Some people cheat on their partners because they’re not in love with them anymore,” Taecyeon mumbled, and Chansung recognized the words. His own words, words he had told Taecyeon when he came to apologize. Chansung didn’t exactly agree with that, but he wanted to understand why Taecyeon had gotten so agitated the next morning, and he thought Taecyeon felt guilty for betraying his boyfriend. He had been wrong about that, but for a detail.
“Some people believe that love and sex are different things. Others simply don’t mind if their partners have sex with somebody else.” Chansung heard himself say that again, words he had told Taecyeon on a day that now seemed a long time ago. He had lost sense of what he could trust as real or not now, and he didn’t like how groundless he felt then. He had been so pleasantly elevated a few moments ago, but the sensation he had now was of floating in mid-air, suspended while waiting to see if he would fall and drown or if there would be a parachute to save him.
“I’m not any of those,” Taecyeon said-- and there they were, finally, the words he hadn’t been able to say before. Not all of them, though. But he had simply shaken his head back then, and now Chansung felt something buzzing at the back of his mind, a realization just waiting for him to gather more information so it could take shape.
“Of course you’re not,” Chansung answered calmly, because Taecyeon’s behavior showed that. They could call it any way they wanted but when they fucked they made love. Chansung wouldn’t want to be with anyone else and the thought didn’t even cross his mind, but he also knew Taecyeon wouldn’t bear it. While he was with Taecyeon, he was Taecyeon’s lover, and his alone. Chansung liked that. He had always liked being free, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t enjoy this new experience while it lasted.
“How about you?”
Chansung sighed. It might be fair that Taecyeon asked that since they were having this conversation. He still felt like complaining, because Taecyeon should know by now, but if they were putting the cards on the table it was better to quench any doubts the other had as well. “I think it’s different every time-- to me,” Chansung stressed the last two words while looking into his lover’s eyes. Taecyeon was not the type to adapt so easily or to want to change his mind about things like that, whereas Chansung saw every experience as an opportunity to expand his horizons because every person was different. Moreover, every person could be many different persons in the same lifetime, at the same time, depending on so many different factors. But he had to focus on this one topic now, one that had to deal with how they saw each other and what they expected of one another. He still remembered how he saw his first meeting with Taecyeon. “Even if it’s just sex, if you don’t care at all, it won’t be as good. Some things are meant to happen just once. I thought you’d be one of those-- one of my could-have-been’s. I’d fall for you one night, maybe for a few days, and not expect anything else.” He smiled, because he had been ready for anything-- to fall for Taecyeon, be it a little or too much, to be heartbroken, to pick up the pieces of himself if need be. But he would do it, and he had done it. The more he thought about it, the more he convinced himself he would do it all over again. But there was one thing he might change, one he could still change now. The realization hit him, but just like Taecyeon, he needed to make sure of what he thought he knew. “You ought to tell me.”
Even though Taecyeon was the one to answer, he seemed to be bracing himself for his own words. For Chansung’s reaction to them. “I was still in love with him.”
This time, when Chansung pulled his hand back, Taecyeon let it go. Chansung didn’t turn away or sit up, he just rolled so he would be lying on his back, staring at the ceiling until it blurred along with his jumbled up thoughts. How long? How far into their own relationship had they been while Taecyeon still had feelings for another man? Did Chansung have the right to feel betrayed by that? Did it matter now? Did it change how he himself felt for Taecyeon? Could he trust his gut about this and just let it be?
“That day,” Taecyeon’s voice sounded far away whereas Chansung felt like ignoring his next words because they might make it harder for him to go back to “normal,” to believe what he had believed was still true. “That day I met you, I had just-- called him because I saw him at that mall and I thought that maybe if I just talked to him, we could work things out, but he-- and then you got in the car...”
Chansung heard him turn to lie on his back as well. He watched from the corner of his eye as Taecyeon rubbed at his face and then rested an arm over his forehead. He was not done talking, but he needed some more time. Chansung also needed it. He could see it as if it were a movie in his head: the moment he entered Taecyeon’s car by accident and Taecyeon almost kissed him because he had thought it was his boyfriend-- ex-boyfriend. Maybe, in his heart, Minjun was still Taecyeon’s boyfriend, so he hadn’t exactly lied to Chansung because he was not lying to himself either. Feelings were and would always be much more complicated than whatever words used to explain them.
“I was not ready for you. Sometimes I’m still amazed by you, by what happened, and that-- this might sound ridiculous, Chansung, but it was like you held my heart softly but it turned into a grip that became stronger every time we got together again.”
Chansung’s sigh could be a smile as air leaving his nostrils, and he turned to face Taecyeon again. Taecyeon was speaking like Chansung might, and that made him feel warm again, the words mending pieces of himself he did not know were even waiting to be healed. His voice was soft, nearly hesitant when he uttered the one other thing he needed to know. “I’m just trying to understand what you mean by all this,” he started, as if apologizing. “Are you still in love with him?”
“No.” Taecyeon stated, not too fast or slow, his eyes steady when he looked up at Chansung, who was supporting his head on his hand as his eyes took in every hint of the truth in that one single word on Taecyeon’s face.
Chansung’s face softened, but what he had to say was hard. “What if he showed up here now?” His voice was not accusing at all, but he knew the words were heavy and he saw it in Taecyeon’s eyes. “What if he told you he still loves you, that he wants to try again, that he keeps remembering--”
“He won’t--”
“But that’s how our heart often works. We know what’s reasonable and what’s likely to happen, but we can’t control all our feelings like that.” He surprised Taecyeon by moving closer to straddle him, tugging at his hair as if that might help him hold the answers. The readiness with which Taecyeon’s hands reached for his skin to caress his thighs and hips made Chansung smile in contentment, his own fingers now gentle in their stroking of the other’s hair. “I’m sure you’ve thought about that. If you still loved him, you still hoped.”
Chansung could see Taecyeon wanted to deny that. But he didn’t say anything, perhaps because he didn’t want to lie or conceal anything anymore. Chansung nodded in understanding.
“Do you ever stop loving someone?” His voice was a quiet whisper of doubt and wonder. He might be reciting part of a poem he knew by heart and Taecyeon wouldn't know. His eyes wandered to the room around them but also beyond that, not really looking at anything. That was something he had thought about many times. His voice, somewhat distant but still truthful in the way he delivered each word, only added to that impression. What he said next was something he believed to be true, or at least believed to be possible. “Parts of him are still in you. Parts of you are still in him. We never leave completely... And I wouldn’t wish you to forget me once our time comes. I know I won’t be able to forget you, and I hope I won’t try to.”
“We’re not breaking up--” Taecyeon’s voice had an urgency that made Chansung’s heart soar. That was love, but he still placed one finger over Taecyeon’s lips to shush him. He hoped his eyes showed what he felt, just like the slow-coming smile accompanied by a quiet sigh of amusement.
“No, we’re not.” Not today, he didn’t say.
Taecyeon tried to ask him something else, but Chansung silenced him with a kiss reminiscent of their first one, when neither of them had closed their eyes completely. It was as if the world might collapse around them and they had to make sure that wouldn’t happen, but once the kiss deepened they forgot about the possible consequences and gave in to each other instead. They should know better now-- the world wouldn’t collapse, just continue turning and changing almost imperceptibly, just like them.
Chansung let go of that-- thoughts of first meetings, illusions and uncertainties dissolved. He focused on the taste of Taecyeon’s mouth against his lips, the tongue that savored him when Chansung was not biting or sucking at it, the teeth that grazed at his chin when he gasped because Taecyeon was touching his cock. That was real. He felt it, intensely, and he craved for more. Chansung looked down between their bodies and moved down so he would be sliding against Taecyeon’s length, and the other took the hint.
Taecyeon’s smile was one of pleasure and contentment for Chansung’s reactions to their grinding hips. He grabbed at Chansung’s hair and pulled him in for another kiss, but Chansung broke it to take hold of his hands and move them to his buttocks. He was still rocking down against Taecyeon, who squeezed at his flesh and moved his own hips up against him.
Chansung let out a shaky sound that might have been a moan through smiling lips that brushed over Taecyeon’s. He supported the weight of his body on his hands, one of which clenched around the sheets under Taecyeon’s back as the latter teased at the cleft of his ass. Chansung stopped moving for a moment. He wanted to enjoy the hot sensation that spread within his body and that meant he wouldn’t be able to do much else for now.
Taecyeon didn’t seem to mind; in fact, he grinned against Chansung’s cheek while pressing a finger into him. Chansung’s parted lips let out low sounds and heated air that went down Taecyeon’s neck, which encouraged him to go further. One hand clenched firmly around Chansung’s hipbone only to keep him from either moving back against him or moving away, which would be out of pure reflex anyway-- Chansung had no intentions of going anywhere. He was right where he wanted to be. He just wanted to get even closer to Taecyeon now.
“Wait,” Chansung breathed, and almost regretted it a second later when Taecyeon stopped. The latter looked at him with confused eyes and Chansung kissed him, turning what would have been a laugh into the humming of his lips against Taecyeon’s. He didn’t mean anything by that word, he was just about to do something that would make it easier for them to go on.
Taecyeon’s inquiring eyes wrinkled at the edges as he stared at him, probably wondering what Chansung was thinking. The lines on Taecyeon’s face were a map to his soul, a testimony to his charming mirth and laughing eyes. Chansung traced them with light fingers that went to Taecyeon’s hair as they kept staring at each other. He heaved a slow sigh that came from Taecyeon’s fingers ghosting over his skin, going up his sides near his shoulders and then down to his hips again, ever downer, as if teasing him. Chansung had wanted to say and do something else earlier but now he was lost in the gradual pleasure that came with Taecyeon constantly touching him while still waiting for him to move.
Chansung leaned in till their lips were brushing and he saw Taecyeon’s eyelids droop before he did the same as they kissed leisurely. Lips were tasted and gently nibbled before their tongues found each other. Chansung felt himself moving on top of Taecyeon in response to that heated, continuous encounter that always led to new explorations. Taecyeon held him at the base of the spine and pressed them closer together, moving up against him in turn, without haste. Chansung breathed him in, took in his scent, breathed out pleasure as their unique electricity ran through him. It was like being reconnected again, skin to skin, body to body.
Chansung only broke their kiss to bite at Taecyeon’s chin with the intention to tell him what he wanted. The way Taecyeon exposed his neck made him smile and he just had to take the offer to graze his teeth down the throat and feel at the pulse with his tongue. He heard and felt Taecyeon sighing under him, his hands still caressing Chansung’s back. Chansung shivered; he lifted his hips just enough as he looked down between their bodies to see them moving together. Then Taecyeon reached between them and the added touch had Chansung hissing; he could picture the other’s smile even as he closed his eyes. He wanted to keep looking, but the need to give in to what he felt then was stronger.
“Taec...” It was his turn to sigh, but it turned into a gasp as the pace picked up and Taecyeon made Chansung throb over him. He bit into his own lip to bite back any pleading sounds that might lead Taecyeon to finish him this way, and that was not what he wanted. It was good, it would have been great, but Chansung wanted to save the energy he still had for something even better. He didn’t tell Taecyeon to wait this time, though. He simply moved up to whisper in his ear while Taecyeon still worked him, “I want you to take me. Like the first time.”
An almost inaudible but much appreciated noise came from the back of Taecyeon’s throat. When Chansung met his eyes, he was delighted by the other’s gaze, the dilated pupils, the intense desire they both shared. He felt a shiver run through him that was not only from the way Taecyeon gripped at his hips, but also from the expectation of what was to come.
Chansung bumped their noses gently and the kiss that didn’t happen had his lips tugging up. He touched Taecyeon’s wrists as if to tell him he was not going anywhere and the other loosened the grip, but his hands stayed there, warm on his skin. Chansung’s eyes smiled at Taecyeon’s. He moved his ass down and then up Taecyeon’s cock to make it clear the other was not to change their positions. The flicker in Taecyeon’s eyes told him he understood. That flame spread from one to the other as they kissed again. Chansung kept the friction going on until Taecyeon groaned into his mouth and he savored it. He licked at Taecyeon’s lips and repeated the move one last time before looking for what was between Taecyeon’s pillow and his own, almost hidden underneath. The location was an accidental consequence after they had moved around in bed while making use of those things.
Taecyeon watched as Chansung ripped a condom package open and moved to sit briefly on his thighs, just long enough to put it on him. It might have been a late response to Chansung’s demand, but Taecyeon sat up suddenly to claim him in a searing kiss and hands that yanked at his hair and clenched around his nape. There was a millisecond of surprise before Chansung gave back just as fiercely, clawing at his shoulders for support as they rocked together again, so close yet different from what they both craved right now. When they parted-- Chansung had reached for the lube-- Taecyeon’s touch turned to a gentle stroke of the strands that fell around Chansung’s face, so tender that Chansung closed his eyes lest he break some kind of spell that seemed to have sparked between them. “You’re one rare snowflake, winter child.”
Chansung blinked twice before he gazed steadily at Taecyeon. He had never been called that before, and after a moment of wonderment it dawned on him a possible reason for Taecyeon to have done that-- it was not only the reference to the first time they had been together, something which Taecyeon had also brought up to start their previous conversation. It had more to do with the latter itself-- the revelation and how Chansung had probably reacted differently than Taecyeon had expected. “You’re also a winter child,” Chansung said, the ghost of a smile on his lips.
“But you were born in the middle of winter,” Taecyeon retorted, his lips curving up. Chansung couldn’t help but let the contentment show on his face too when he heard him say that, with that look of adoration on his face. “What I mean is...” Taecyeon trailed off. Chansung was spreading lube on his own hands; he felt the other watching him again, but he pretended not to notice it as he wrapped coated fingers around Taecyeon’s cock. He started off slowly, but Taecyeon was panting soon, mumbling his pleasure while Chansung pumped him, speeding up gradually. Taecyeon never finished that sentence. Chansung didn’t think it was necessary.
What he thought was necessary and he established next was their looking into each other’s eyes as he lowered himself onto Taecyeon, gradually, carefully, finally. They didn’t exactly kiss yet, but their lips were touching when he answered, almost like an afterthought, “You were born just two days after Christmas...” his arms slid around Taecyeon’s neck until they were both so close Chansung was all around him, while Taecyeon was deep inside him. “Like a belated present,” and he moved slowly on Taecyeon’s lap, adjusting until he found the best way for him to actually move, for them to give each other a ride they wouldn’t forget.
Taecyeon looked at him with burning eyes that could often be followed by impatient hands and hips and thrusts, but he was letting Chansung lead this. He did hold Chansung but it was lightly. It would become a firm grip at times to help him up and down, and up again. “You’re my present,” he said as their bodies fit together again and again, till they found their own rhythm.
Chansung still felt like saying one more thing before he gave in to the building pleasure that would render him unable to think about anything other than Taecyeon sending them both to a world of bliss. “Unfold me,” he mumbled. Chansung looked briefly at Taecyeon as he said that, words to wrap things up but that would undo both of them, eventually. The fire which came to life in Taecyeon’s eyes said he was more than glad to comply.
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