Round 15: when the flowers fall (1/3)
Title: when the flowers fall
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: EXO/VIXX
Pairing: D.O/Leo
Summary: He loves me, he loves me not.
Warnings: slurs, brief sexual references
Author's Note: Special thanks to KS for everything- you're a sweetheart. ❤ Thanks to the mods for putting up with me. #Teamqtpies
Prompt Used: Blossom Tears by LYn X LEO; both supplementary prompts
Kyungsoo can’t breathe. Something squeezes down on his chest, on his throat, and threatens to drown him. His ears are filled with a deafening buzz. Pained gasps wrack at his chest. It hurts. It’s suffocating and he can’t breathe. It hurts so much. He’s choking. He’s fighting for air when the world is collapsing on him.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
The words didn’t make sense. The syllables, the movement of those lips and the sounds that came out of them- they all didn’t make sense. Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut. Liar. Liar. Liar.
“Let’s never meet again.”
Kyungsoo can’t look up- he can’t. Not if there’s even the slightest chance that there is any truth in those eyes. It hurts.
“We’re done.”
He loves me not.
✿
Four years ago
The restaurant had promised a private room. Kyungsoo would have preferred eating at the company cafeteria but Yixing had whined about boring jajangmyeon and uptight sunbaes so here he was, stuck at an empty table next to a very open window- not his idea of private. He could make out the furious clicks of camera shutters over the light piano music; if he turned his head thirty degrees to the right, he would see nearly ten girls pressed up against the window. Someone screamed his name and he tried not to flinch. Years in this industry but he could never get used to those voices.
Kyungsoo looked down at his phone, tapping his foot impatiently when he saw how late Yixing was. As if on cue, his phone vibrated.
A little late! A friend is joining us so be nice until I get there.
Kyungsoo snorted. He didn’t know if he should be offended because Yixing thought he wasn’t cordial or because he had invited someone without letting Kyungsoo know first. It wasn’t that big of a deal. They were making friends in the industry now- actors, other idols, sunbaes, hoobaes. The faces all merged together after a while, an endless stream of polite smiles and hurried bows, and it was getting easier to blend in with it all.
“Excuse me.”
He jumped in his seat. Heart pounding, he gave an apologetic nod when the waiter bowed.
“We have prepared another seat for you.”
Kyungsoo blinked. He didn’t recall asking to move. In fact, he didn’t remember talking to the waiter since he had arrived. But different seats meant distance from the window, which meant breathing space from sasaengs, so Kyungsoo quickly followed the waiter to the back of the restaurant. He could hear the squeals and pounding fists against the window as he left, and only when he was in an empty room did he feel safe.
“Hello.” A hushed whisper. If the room weren’t so empty, if it wasn’t just him, Kyungsoo might not have even heard it.
He turned to see wide shoulders and narrowed eyes. Blinking slowly, Kyungsoo tried to come up with a name. An animal. Something to do with an animal, was it a cat? No, it was a zodiac sign. Or something like that? Kyungsoo licked his lips, ready to give an apologetic smile, when the man bowed first.
“It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you, Kyungsoo-shi,” he said. Kyungsoo immediately recognized that voice- high, soft, yet strong and focused, like the high C on the violin. He remembered hearing it around one of his friends, maybe it was Jaehwan, or was it Hongbin? That voice had left an impression on him. It was so different from what Kyungsoo had anticipated, so different from his name-
“Leo.” He let out a small breath when the man nodded. “It’s Leo, isn’t it?”
“You remembered.”
“Of course. I always remember EXO’s friends.” Kyungsoo gave a practiced smile, eyes curved and lips spread. Leo stared blankly at him before motioning to the table.
“Would you like to sit?”
Kyungsoo nodded, desperately wishing Yixing would arrive on time for once. He was always thirty minutes late for everything. Maybe Kyungsoo should just plan to show up late as well; it would save him awkward meetings with unexpected guests. He snuck a glance up to see Leo staring stoically back at him. Coughing, Kyungsoo reached for a menu.
“Oh, did you wait long?” Yixing walked in. He looked positively radiant, so cheerful and relaxed for someone who had just walked in late to his own lunch appointment. Kyungsoo would have punched his smiling face but that was socially unacceptable.
“We just sat down,” he responded through a gritted smile. Yixing must have recognized the smile (“The serial-killer-Shining smile” as Chanyeol had coined it) as he chose the furthest seat away from him. That was fine. Kyungsoo could always kick him under the table. That was socially acceptable.
“Did you have a good time in China?” Leo asked. “You filmed that cooking show again, right?”
It appeared Leo could hold a normal conversation. In fact, he was smiling. It was a slight turn of the lips, thin and barely noticeable if not for the sudden glow in his cheeks. It was subtle yet purposeful- a very nice smile. Shaking his head, Kyungsoo looked back down at his menu. Yixing had that effect on others, the ability to bring out their cheerful side while exuding a calming aura. They didn’t hang out much but he had always appreciated that about Yixing.
Halfway through his salad, Kyungsoo paused. When was the last time he and Yixing hyung had even talked? Last month? Before the six-month tour? He snuck a glance up to see Yixing and Leo still chatting happily. Had he missed out on so much that he was now a third wheel? Frustrated, Kyungsoo stabbed his fork into the plate.
“... Kyungsoo-shi?”
Leo was staring at him again, the heavy frown back on his face. With his back hunched over and dark hair nearly covering his eyes, he looked like something out of a horror movie. And they said Kyungsoo the spawn of Satan. “I’m sorry, did you say something?”
“I asked if you had any acting plans this year.”
“I’m not sure.” Kyungsoo shifted his gaze to the side and noticed Yixing had left the table.
“You didn’t speak much during the meal,” Leo pressed on. “Is something wrong?”
Kyungsoo wrinkled his nose. He faintly recalled Jaehwan saying Leo didn’t talk that much. Maybe this was another more annoying Leo. “I was hungry.” Kyungsoo hoped Yixing didn’t get lost. He really didn’t feel like rescuing him from a horde of fangirls today.
"Are you not feeling well?"
Kyungsoo offered Leo a small smile- the tilted one he often gave to Baekhyun when the idiot went too far with his jokes. "I feel great actually. Just a little tired, I suppose."
Leo narrowed his eyes, disbelief evident on his face even as he slowly nodded. "Oh. You just seem very unhappy."
Kyungsoo could think of a few reasons why he might seem unhappy, one being this overpriced meal and the other being a certain uninvited someone who wouldn’t leave him alone. He just wanted to ignore Leo and eat his bland, overly healthy quinoa salad in peace. But it wouldn't do to insult Yixing’s friend like that. They were idols, after all. "I’m just fine.
"The bathroom has chocolates," Yixing announced as he slid back into his seat. "Please explain to me why anybody would want to eat chocolates while taking a dump."
"There's always time for food," Leo offered. He was smiling again, a full spread of the lips this time, and for a moment, Kyungsoo was taken aback by how gentle he looked. Kyungsoo bit his lip and glared down at his quinoa.
Yixing rolled his eyes, his dimple showing when he smirked. “You’re a glutton so you don’t count. Kyungsoo, don’t ever treat this guy to food because he will run you dry.” He turned to him and paused, concern lining his forehead. "Are you okay? You don't look too good."
That goddamn Leo had gotten him riled up over nothing. There was a slight pain in Kyungsoo's side, and he could feel a headache starting behind his eyes. He was sure his cheeks were burning as well. But he wouldn't say anything. Not here, not in this restaurant, not in front of Leo.
"Everything's fine," he replied, turning away from Leo's gaze.
✿
“Sorry if you were uncomfortable.” Yixing dropped a water bottle into Kyungsoo’s lap. Lying next to him, he winced when his back met the hard practice room floor.
“With what?” Kyungsoo motioned for him to turn around and gently pressed the cold bottle against his back.
“Lunch. Thought it would be fun with more people.”
Kyungsoo didn’t respond. After all, what could he even say without sounding like an asshole? It wasn’t fun. The restaurant smelled bad. Your friend is weird. A few minutes passed, Kyungsoo rolling the bottle around Yixing’s back while the latter breathed softly in the stilted silence.
“I lied.” Yixing’s voice was muffled against the floor. When he turned his head, his gaze was directed at the wall behind Kyungsoo’s head. “I actually invited him because I was too scared to see you alone.”
Kyungsoo hummed as he continued his motions. He had never been that close to Yixing so this wasn’t so unexpected. Yixing was too honest, too open and sincere, for comfort, and Kyungsoo never knew how to correctly respond to him.
“When was the last time it was just us two?”
“Not sure,” Kyungsoo replied, motioning at Yixing to sit up. “Maybe a few months?”
“Maybe too long,” Yixing softly laughed. “Funny, huh, how it gets more awkward as time goes by?”
Kyungsoo didn’t think so. He had learned to bask in the pauses between sentences, to find comfort in silent drives and equally quiet meals. Those moments required less concentration. He didn’t have to figure out what words or motions were appropriate, like right now as Yixing’s gaze moved to his face. Kyungsoo offered his soft smile and an understanding, “Exactly.”
Yixing continued to stare at him, eyes slightly narrowed and worry ridden in the wrinkles around his mouth. Kyungsoo briefly glanced at the time, wondering when the others would arrive to rehearsal.
“Can you do me a favor?”
Kyungsoo quickly looked back at Yixing. Favors were easy. He could do that. Pleasing people was a speciality of his. “Anything.”
“The others are thinking of moving out. Chanyeol, Baek, Joonmyun…” Yixing trailed off, blinking slowly before he continued. “I need you to talk to Sehun.”
“Why?”
“Because he won’t take the news well. Jongin and Zitao also want out so-”
“But why me?” Kyungsoo kept his voice calm, shoulders relaxed even as he felt his insides twist. “Why can’t Joonmyun talk to him?”
“I think Sehun’s more comfortable around you.” Yixing gave a sheepish smile. “Plus, you’re the only one he’s scared of so he’ll listen to you.”
Kyungsoo snorted. Just then, the practice room door flung open and Jongdae chased a screeching Baekhyun and a laughing Sehun into the room. The other members slowly walked in after them, a few cheers every now and then as they watched Jongdae kick Baekhyun onto the floor.
“Sehun wants things to be the same,” Yixing muttered, grinning fondly as he watched them all. “Sometimes, I think he believes we’re still rookies.”
“Minseok hyung is almost thirty. Does Sehun realize that?”
“Does anyone realize that?”
Across the room, Minseok laughed loudly, eyes curved and teeth fully showing, at some joke Baekhyun made. Kyungsoo chuckled under his breath. The man looked younger than when he had debuted. Yet, there was no denying the slight hitch in his steps or the heavy lean of his body as he tried to keep up with his younger members. Whereas Minseok relied on multiple vitamins and weekly massages to keep going, Sehun still thrived on banana milk and peppero sticks.
“I just don’t want him to get hurt,” Yixing sighed. He leaned against Kyungsoo, looping their arms together. “We already have enough members that are unhappy.”
Kyungsoo stiffened when he was reminded of a soft voice and unrelenting eyes.
✿
After nearly four years in this industry, Kyungsoo had learned that it was all a cycle. Bow, smile, be good, be thankful- a slight deviation and the entire idol illusion could be shattered. So Kyungsoo pushed aside Leo’s words, neatly packed away Yixing’s worries, and continued to be D.O because that was necessary. He needed a steady rhythm to follow in the chaos that was the entertainment business. Keep the cycle and everything would be fine.
“Everything’s fine,” Kyungsoo muttered under his breath.
Next to him, his manager grunted. “Nervous?” He let out a muffled yawn as he flipped through his phone. “After all this time, I would’ve expected you to be used to it.”
They were sitting outside a music hall, waiting for Kyungsoo’s number to be called. His manager had suggested this audition, some new musical that was supposed to be “unconventional” and “beyond the scope of traditional performances.” No one knew what it was about, only that it was written and directed by a new guy with an impressive resume. Kyungsoo looked down at the audition piece in his lap. It was simple song, an uninteresting melody in an incredibly easy key, about robes. There was nothing “unconventional” about it.
“I’m fine,” he responded. Hearing his number called out, he walked into the audition room. It was a large hall, only a single light beaming down on the stage; one man sat in the front row.
“Kyungsoo, right?” He waved Kyungsoo in, flipping through a stack of papers before him. “Impressive resume. You’re no stranger to musicals.”
“Neither are you. They say you’re doing something great with the music here in Korea.”
“Is that what they say?” the man said. Sung Chanho, that was his name. Kyungsoo recalled seeing his face on Daum’s main page. He had been surprisingly young for all his accomplishments. “Did you memorize the audition piece?”
“Of course.”
Chanho grinned, tossing aside the paperwork and leaning back in his chair. “Good. Let me tell you a story.”
This wasn’t right. Kyungsoo didn’t like this audition. He was supposed to be singing, supposed to be bowing and buttering up the director. He wasn’t supposed to be listening to some story. As if he could see Kyungsoo’s displeasure, Chanho beamed wider.
“Once upon a time, there was a man, an emperor, who had the world’s biggest closet. People from all over would come to see this closet, and legends were told about the endless racks of beautiful robes. The emperor would put on a show every time he went out, stunning the people with his dazzling clothes. But then, one day, he didn’t know what to wear.” Chanho motioned to Kyungsoo. “Now, pretend you’re this emperor and sing.”
Kyungsoo stared blankly at him. Surely he was joking. No sane man randomly told a fairy tale and then asked him to sing. He carefully looked around the room. This could be one of those prank shows.
“Are you not going to sing?” Chanho crossed his arms, a knowing smirk on his lips. Kyungsoo could feel his temper rise; this man knew nothing about him yet he smiled as though he could see right into him, down to the layers he had so carefully covered. It was infuriating.
If some hotshot director wanted him to sing, then Kyungsoo would sing. He had done far more demeaning things to get where he was today; he was not going to be looked down by some wannabe-drama-queen-fairy-tale-my-ass director. So he sang. Kyungsoo easily flew through the melody, hitting all the notes and reciting the lines perfectly. Keep the cycle and everything would be fine.
My robes are murals, more divine than the heavens, see the majesty of what I wear. Kyungsoo thought the song was stupid. The story was stupid. The birds have one coat while I have a thousand, yet why do I feel as though I am the one trapped in cage. Clearly the magistrate was a vain idiot who wanted to show off his clothes- If I am stripped of these colors, am I still worthy, am I still me?- it’s not like he had anything to hide behind those elaborate robes.
Kyungsoo paused, voice trailing off. It’s not like he had anything to hide.
“Perfect.” Loud claps startled him and he gave a hurried bow as Chanho approached the stage. “You’re an interesting person, Kyungsoo. Just like this character.”
Kyungsoo clenched his teeth. Bow and smile. Keep the cycle. Be good and be thankful. “Thank you.” When he lifted his head, Chanho handed him a thick packet with The Emperor’s Robe scrawled roughly across the front.
“I look forward to working with you, Do Kyungsoo.”
✿
It began with Kyungsoo standing in a field. Like most things in a dream, there wasn’t much detail. It was him, an empty field, and a misty sky. Then there were the flowers. Red flowers that sprouted around him, glowing faintly from the slivers of sunlight that passed through the fog. When he tugged on one, it gave rise to countless more. Eventually, Kyungsoo would allow the flowers to cover him, filling his arms and spilling all around until all he could see was a haze of red, red, red.
That was usually when Kyungsoo woke. With the faint tingling of petals still lingering on his skin, he would carry through another day.
✿
Late night rehearsals deserved a special circle in hell, Kyungsoo reasoned as he collapsed on the floor. Lack of sleep and missed meals were bad enough, but surely all the extra practice was just pure evil. One would think that it would get easier after all these years but the burn in his feet and rush of blood in his ears made him realize that the only thing going downhill was their bodies.
“I need chicken,” Jongin groaned out. He flopped over on his back, nudging Joonmyun with a foot. “Hyung. I need chicken.”
“Too tired.” Joonmyun gave a heavy sigh before rummaging in his pockets. Muttering a soft, “I’m getting too old for this shit,” he threw his credit card at Jongin’s face.
“Don’t forget the hot sauce!” Zitao called out as Jongin scrambled to the door. Sehun trailed after him, his steps a bit too bouncy for Kyungsoo’s tastes. How in the world that boy still had any energy after a five hour practice was beyond his comprehension.
“So did Yixing hyung tell you?” Chanyeol nudged him over to occupy the small amount of space between him and the wall. Kyungsoo wanted to punch him in the ears but that would require extra energy so he just rolled over and grunted, “Hurgh.”
“I’m going to guess that’s a yes.” Chanyeol fiddled with Kyungsoo’s hair, letting out a pained yelp when he got kicked in the legs. He opted to poke Kyungsoo instead, lowering his voice as he murmured, “Are you going to move out?”
“It’s about time.” I don’t want to.
Poke. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought. Everyone would have more space if we lived separately.”
“That’s good.” It’s not like we don’t have space right now.
Poke. “And then we could have awesome parties at each other’s pads.”
Kyungsoo sat up, eloquently hitting Chanyeol’s face in the process. “Don’t ever call it a pad. You sound ridiculous.” We would never visit each other.
Chanyeol wriggled around until his head was in Kyungsoo’s lap. “You’re going to tell Sehun, right?”
“Don’t dump this on me,” Kyungsoo grumbled. He wondered if Chanyeol could hear the underlying whine in his voice.
“Oh come on, Kyungsoo. Do us this one favor.” Chanyeol’s eyes were huge as he stared up at Kyungsoo. He looked like one of those goddamn elves from Harry Potter and Kyungsoo had always had a weakness for those little, adorable fuckers; Chanyeol knew this.
“Fine,” Kyungsoo relented. No.
“You’re the greatest best friend!” As Chanyeol tugged him into a hug, as Jongin and Sehun bounded back in with boxes of chicken- as Kyungsoo sat in the circle of ten and laughed and ate and indulged Baekhyun’s stupid jokes and massaged Jongin’s tired aches- Kyungsoo had to agree. He played one hell of a great friend.
✿
“I heard you got the lead part in that new musical- congrats!”
Kyungsoo clutched his phone tightly as he strode out of EXO’s waiting room. Waving away Jongin’s “We’re on in five,” he looked for a quiet place to talk to his brother. “Thanks, hyung. How’d you find out?”
Seungsoo chuckled. “Your fansites know everything. It’s really creepy but I won’t deny that it keeps me updated better than you do.”
“Sorry about that. I was busy with stuff and-”
“I didn’t call to hear an apology, Kyung. But if you really want to make it up to me, call mum and dad sometime, will you?”
Shame flooded his cheeks. He hadn’t spoken to them since Chuseok and here he was now at a KBS Christmas special rehearsal. “I’ll make sure to call them soon,” he promised.
“Good.” The line was silent after that, only Seungsoo’s soft breaths filling the static between them. It hadn’t always been this awkward, but sometime after Seungsoo had left for the army and Kyungsoo had stood on the stage, they had drifted apart. Maybe it was because Seungsoo had come back after Kyungsoo had formed his image, after he had become D.O, and Kyungsoo had added “dedicated younger brother” to his list of performances. Maybe it was because Seungsoo achieved a fulfilling, simple life at thirty while Kyungsoo’s life didn’t include the word “simple.”
“Thanks again, hyung. I really appreciate you calling me.”
“Of course, that’s what brothers do.” Seungsoo’s voice reminded Kyungsoo of sticky ice pops and car rides next to the river. They felt like a lifetime ago. “We should hang out sometime. “
“Um….” Kyungsoo glanced out the window to see a horde of fangirls staring at him from five floors below. He stepped back, circling the hall to return to the waiting room. “Maybe.”
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun! You can introduce me to your famous friends.”
“... sure. Anytime, hyung.”
He felt terrible lying to his brother but he had to keep him from this world. Seungsoo was much too trusting, too open and caring, to survive in an industry that thrived on scrutinizing his each and every move. Even now, as he stood backstage and listened to the shrieks and cries of oppa oppa oppa, Kyungsoo felt the stares of the world. His beloved brother deserved better than this.
“Kyungie!” Someone tackled him from behind, arms wound tightly around his waist. Kyungsoo turned his head to see a long nose and a blinding smile.
“Jaehwan,” he grinned. “How did you sneak in here?”
“We’re performing before EXO.” Jaehwan jerked his head to the other side of the stage. “I came over to say congratulations! I heard you’re the lead in Director Park’s new musical.”
Apparently everyone had heard the news. Kyungsoo shouldn’t have been surprised; nothing was private. “It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal? I heard it’s supposed to be spectacular.” Jaehwan dramatically wiggled his eyebrows, eliciting a small chuckle from Kyungsoo. “Speaking of which, did you know? Our pinkeu pinkeu is also in the musical!”
“Pinkeu… pinkeu?”
He was about to ask why Sehun’s beloved Rilakkuma plushie would be in a musical when Jaehwan shouted as a hand slapped his neck. Rubbing the sore spot, Jaehwan gave a sheepish laugh. “I mean, Taekwoon hyung.”
Leo stepped out from behind him, raising his hand in warning when Jaehwan started to giggle again. His hair was cut shorter than before, allowing Kyungsoo to see a slight curve in his eyes as Leo shoved Jaehwan to the side. “Good to see you again, Kyungsoo-shi.”
Kyungsoo couldn’t say the same. He hadn’t been able to get Leo’s piercing stare and his stupid words out of his mind since that lunch two weeks ago, and now he was going to star in a musical with this pain in the ass. Gritting his teeth, he gave a small bow. “Good to see you too.”
“Taekwoon hyung is so excited to work with you,” Jaehwan cut in. “He only talks about when he ate with you.”
“Shut up,” Leo warned him, raising his hand again. But Jaehwan wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t go one step further.
“How come you didn’t invite me, Kyungie?” he pouted. “I’m so much more interesting than a rock.”
Kyungsoo couldn’t help his laughter when Jaehwan smirked, jumping away from Leo’s furious kicks before running back to his members. “That idiot,” Leo muttered, ducking his head. “I’m sorry about him, Kyungsoo-shi.”
"I think we can drop the formalities. We’re working together now, so let’s be friends," Kyungsoo half-smiled. His grin grew wider when he caught the light flush that spread across Leo's neck. So even the devil could blush. "Besides, you're older than me, so all this jondaemal* is just awkward."
"I’m taller too," Leo quietly mumbled.
Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes, fingers unconsciously clenching into fists. "Be careful, Leo. I’m still your sunbae."
"Taekwoon."
"What?"
"Taekwoon." His grip was surprisingly firm, almost painfully tight, in Kyungsoo's hand, but Kyungsoo was more surprised by the thin smile on his lips. “Please, call me Taekwoon.”
✿
Poppies. Kyungsoo realized the flowers were poppies. Four years of this dream and he just figured out what they were. He plucked a few- the red petals staining his pale skin- and he watched as they filled his arms. Suddenly, he looked up to see a man in the distance. The man was too far away for Kyungsoo to make out a face, and he considered calling out to him, but the poppies were already covering him. The red haze set in as he strained to see who the man was.
Kyungsoo woke up to see Sehun shuffling around the room. Blinking slowly, he sat up and rubbed his face. What was that. No one ever appeared in that dream.
“Morning,” Sehun grunted in a raspy voice. He raised an eyebrow when he turned to face Kyungsoo. “You don’t look so hot. Nightmare?”
Kyungsoo fiddled with the bed covers, watching as Sehun rubbed BB cream onto his face. “I don’t know.”
✿
Musicals were like world tours. They both consisted of the same things: singing, dancing, running backstage, bouncing around sets and swapping one costume for another- playing a character everyone expected and wanted him to be. Kyungsoo had become conditioned to excel at musicals so The Emperor’s Robe shouldn't have been any different. Except that dream had kept him up the past two nights and there was also the issue of Taekwoon.
“Kyungsoo,” Chanho called out, stopping the rehearsal. “Did you forget that you don’t sing this song? I know you’re the main character but not everything is about you.”
Kyungsoo hurriedly bowed, face turning bright as he dashed off the stage. Chanho might have been joking- Kyungsoo learned that Chanho’s irritating smirk usually meant so- but the director wasn’t wrong to scold him. He had been distracted all day, partly due to lack of sleep but mostly because Taekwoon wouldn’t stop staring at him. He had first thought he was making it up but Kyungsoo was now certain of it.
Taekwoon was supposed to be playing the part of a smartass tailor- how appropriate- and he was most definitely supposed to be tailoring, or whatever the hell tailors do, but no, he insisted on singing his parts to Kyungsoo. Literally, the man was singing to Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo’s read the entire script. Twice. He’s been through everyone’s lines. Twice. The tailor was definitely supposed to be singing to the female lead, or the other cast members, or to the audience. He was definitely not supposed to be singing to Kyungsoo. It was nerve-wracking to be watched as intensely and obviously as Taekwoon had been doing the entire rehearsal. Kyungsoo didn’t know what he was singing or saying half of the time.
“Kyungsoo! That was your cue.” Chanho motioned at him, voice more tired than amused now. Kyungsoo mentally slapped himself in the face. Come on, D.O. Get it together. He shouldn’t be so distracted; he was a professional. He was better than this. Everything’s fine.
“It’s not right,” Chanho sighed during their private meeting afterwards. Kyungsoo had strained his voice, made his motions bigger, caught all his cues, but Chanho still wasn’t satisfied. “This musical is a little different from other ones. It’s about the performer, not the character. You write the character. You motivate him, make him love and hate. You drive him.”
Kyungsoo nodded. Maybe he could call Changmin later. That hyung always gave good vocal tips. Kyuhyun too. “I apologize for being so distracted with-”
“No, that’s not it.” Chanho waved him off. They sat in silence for a while, Kyungsoo carefully counting his breaths as the director stared at the script between them. “What do you want?”
Kyungsoo blinked. “Excuse me?”
“Think about it.” Chanho motioned to the door, offering him a soft pat on the back as he showed him out. “What does Do Kyungsoo want?”
It wasn’t until later that night, standing in the shower, counting down the seconds until Chanyeol would holler at him to get out, that he would have time to think about those words. What did he want? Grabbing the soap, Kyungsoo scrubbed the makeup off his face.
It didn’t matter what he wanted. That had been very clear from the beginning, when Joonmyun had sat him down three weeks before debut and laid it all out for him. Kyungsoo, the truth is they don’t care. You could be the sweetest person out there or the world’s biggest asshole but they don’t care because they see who they want to see. The bubble tea Joonmyun bought him had tasted sour on his tongue and Kyungsoo had the sudden urge to hurl. They have this idea of you, this supposed understanding of who you are, and they get into your head. They make you- and that’s who you are. You are what they want you to be.
And Kyungsoo had quickly found out that Joonmyun was right. They all had. So he took away little pieces, chipped off blocks of his reactions, his emotions, his desires- of Do Kyungsoo- until he had hidden himself well. Like an old shirt stuffed behind a line of stage costumes or his favorite novel hidden behind a stack of dictionaries and how-to guides, Kyungsoo had neatly tucked himself away from the world. Like a caterpillar, he had cocooned himself behind all these layers and masks and characters, and he had kept the cycle.
He was fine.
Shutting off the water, he stepped out of the shower. After a brief glance in the mirror, he turned to let Chanyeol inside. What did he want? Kyungsoo didn’t have the luxury of asking such a selfish question.
✿
“We should consider alternative living spaces,” Joonmyun began at dinner. It was a rare occasion to have all ten members sitting at one table, and Kyungsoo had hoped this meal would be somewhat peaceful. Sighing softly, he put his spoon down.
“Like a new dorm?” Sehun asked. Kyungsoo noticed how all the other members shifted uncomfortably. Even Zitao had set aside his chopsticks.
“... kind of,” Joonmyun tried. “But it’s a little difficult to find an apartment for all of us so-”
“A house!” Sehun laughed. “Great idea, hyung!”
Idiot. Kyungsoo gritted his teeth. How naive could Sehun be. Then again, with how well they were all pretending, Sehun could have never seen this coming. Glancing around, he saw Chanyeol’s exasperated face as he meaningfully nodded to him. Cowards.
“Not exactly a house,” Jongdae jumped in. “We were thinking of something different…”
“We’re living separately,” Jongin spoke up, gaze fixed on his plate as he stabbed a piece of meat. “Moving out.”
Moving on. Kyungsoo saw how Sehun’s hands tensed, his eyes shifting around like he did when he was anxious. Yixing had been right; Sehun was not handling this well. Only the sound of grilling meat filled the room and no one made a move. It was suffocating.
“And everyone’s okay with this?” Sehun quietly said, face tight. “You all get together, go behind my back, and suddenly decide you’re done with this shit?!”
“Oh Sehun, watch your tone,” Minseok demanded. A thud shook the table when the eldest slammed down his cup. Sehun visibly shrunk from his stare, uneven breaths escaping him.
“But then,” he whispered, choking a bit as he looked desperately to each one of them. He finally stared down at his plate, fingers trembling as he nudged it away. “Where do we… where do I go?”
“You and I can move in together,” Kyungsoo spoke up. Ignoring Joonmyun’s stare and Chanyeol’s alarmed face, he gave Sehun a tilted smile. “I’ll cook and you can wash your own laundry. It’ll be fun.”
✿
“Cut.” Chanho rubbed his forehead, voice laced with fatigue. “Let’s finish here today.”
Kyungsoo lowered his head, determinedly staring at his feet as people murmured around him. Rehearsal had been terrible, and it wasn’t even because of Taekwoon this time. With everything else going on, he’d been too distracted to practice, much less consider what Chanho had said before.
“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo bowed a full ninety degrees, holding the position even as Chanho tugged him up. “I take full responsibility for holding back practice today.”
“Everyone has their off day, right?” For the first time, Chanho’s smile was missing its usual haughty smirk. “Just don’t make it a habit.”
He wouldn’t. Everything would be fine. Offering a final bow, Kyungsoo turned to see Taekwoon walking towards him. “Latte?” Taekwoon gently pushed the cup into Kyungsoo’s hand when he refused. “It helps me feel better after a rough rehearsal.”
“That bad, huh?” Kyungsoo weakly grinned. “I’m a disappointing lead, aren’t I?”
Taekwoon didn’t immediately respond. Swishing his cup around, he licked his lips before hesitantly speaking. “You have an amazing voice.”
“That’s nice but-”
“And you’re great at acting.” Taekwoon looked over at him, meeting his eyes in a gaze so strong Kyungsoo wanted nothing more than to look away. “Sometimes too good. I think that’s what is holding you back.”
“You know so much about me,” Kyungsoo scoffed. Smirking, he tilted his head in mock interest. “So, tell me. How should I better portray this character?”
“You’re the Emperor. You do what you want,” Taekwoon shrugged. “You’re vain and pretentious. I mean, the entire musical is named after your clothes. Oh, and you’re stubborn to a fault.” He raised an eyebrow at which Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “But maybe that’s not all there’s to you. Why do you have so many robes?”
“The robes are all I’m known for.” Kyungsoo gripped his cup, fingernails digging into the styrofoam. “If I don’t have them, then who am I?”
Who is Do Kyungsoo?
Taekwoon carefully took the cup from Kyungsoo’s clenched hands. “The Emperor is more than his robes. Maybe that’s all he was trying to say the entire time.”
✿
Miles and miles around, the red flowers stretched across his vision. Surrounding him, covering the misty sky and the sun, and Kyungsoo would eventually let them embrace him. As the petals brushed over his skin and Kyungsoo closed his eyes, he could feel a warm hand slip into his.
✿
“This place has too many rooms,” Sehun muttered when the realtor left them to inspect the apartment. “Why do two guys need four bedrooms?”
“Privacy,” Kyungsoo replied. He looked out the window, noting the apartment’s distance from the main road. “Sasaengs will have trouble getting into this neighborhood so that’s good.”
“How far away will the others live?”
Kyungsoo turned back to him. “Sehun. That’s not the point.”
“Then what is, hyung? What’s the point of all this-” Sehun wildly waved around the empty room- “if we’re just going to disband in a few years anyways?”
Kyungsoo bit his lip. “I don’t know.”
Sehun scoffed. It was quiet for a few minutes before he finally sighed. “Well, I guess this place isn’t so bad. It has enough room for that big TV I wanted so that’s good. What do you think?”
“It’s quaint.”
“Oh come on, hyung. What do you want?”
What does Do Kyungsoo want? “...I ..."
“Don’t know,” Sehun finished for him. Sighing, he looked around the empty apartment. “Yeah. I figured you would say that.”
✿
“It’s Kyungsoo hyung!” Hongbin ran towards him, shortly followed by Jaehwan and Hakyeon. Kyungsoo braced himself for the inevitable group hug that would follow. “What are you doing at our studio?”
What was he doing indeed. Kyungsoo must have been pretty desperate to take up Taekwoon’s offer of rehearsing for the musical. But with the mess back at his company- the members had discovered that Sehun was the most passive-aggressive person in existence- he didn’t want any more distractions.
“Are you joining VIXX?” Jaehwan asked, eyes glinting mischievously. “You know there’s a height requirement, right?”
Hongbin groaned loudly and wrapped his arms around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “Stop teasing him. At least Kyungsoo hyung is cute.”
Kyungsoo smiled when Jaehwan started pouting (“Take that back, Bean face!”) and lively banter echoed in his ears. It was a nice change from the current attitude of his own members. This atmosphere was something Kyungsoo was more familiar with.
“Get out,” Taekwoon muttered as he stepped in. Reaching for Kyungsoo’s arm, he jerked his head at the door. “Soo and I have to practice.”
“Soo? You already gave him a nickname?” Hakyeon laughed.
“No fair! Kyungie is my friend!” Jaehwan loudly complained as he turned to Kyungsoo. “Kyungie is a much cuter name than Soo, right?”
Kyungsoo was still reeling from the fact that Taekwoon had given him a nickname. This seemed a bit fast. But, Kyungsoo lowered his eyes, a grin tugging at his lips, Soo is maybe kind of cute.
“Sorry about them,” Taekwoon mumbled after Hakyeon had dragged Hongbin and Jaehwan out. Shutting the door behind them, he gave a long sigh. “They have way too much energy.”
“It’s fine.” Kyungsoo joined Taekwoon next to the piano. “It’s a nice change from my members.” He bit his tongue after the words left his mouth. It was unnecessary to mention such things; he should have kept quiet.
“It can’t be easy having nine other members,” Taekwoon quietly said. “I can barely keep sane around five.”
Kyungsoo hummed in response, not trusting himself with words. As if he could read Kyungsoo’s mind, Taekwoon nodded at the piano. “How about we start rehearsal? It’s time to give the Emperor a voice.”
Right, rehearsal. Kyungsoo had almost forgotten why he was here in the first place. Taking a deep breath, he started the song. My robes are murals, more divine than the heavens, see the majesty of what I wear. The robes were beautiful, so many different colours and patterns- the Emperor had one for every occasion. The birds have one coat while I have a thousand, yet why do I feel as though I am the one trapped in cage. Was he vain, or was he actually the most self-conscious of them all? What was the point of having so many robes when no one cared about him? The people only saw what they wanted to see, so maybe that was it. Maybe the Emperor stripped himself to make a point. If I am stripped of these colors, am I still worthy, am I still me? The Emperor was worth more than this.
Kyungsoo paused, voice trailing off. He was worth more than this.
“You do have a voice,” Taekwoon quietly spoke up. Catching Kyungsoo’s eye, he smiled. It was a slow grin, a slight pull of the lips paired with a soft hand on Kyungsoo’s arm, before he reached for the piano keys. “Let me hear it again.”
✿
For a brief moment, in a small practice room with no air conditioning and just him, Taekwoon, and a piano, Kyungsoo had let go. He had let go of the cycle and trusted his own voice for a few moments. And it wasn’t so bad.
“There’s the Kyungsoo I was looking for,” Chanho cheekily smiled at the next practice. “We’re finally making progress!” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, grinning when he met Taekwoon’s gaze. Rehearsals were finally coming together and Kyungsoo had found that he could understand, maybe he even relate, to this ridiculous musical.
“I still don’t think it’s anything spectacular,” Kyungsoo grumbled six months later. It was opening night and everyone was crowded in the dressing rooms. “We’re still singing about robes for three hours.”
“Wardrobe malfunction is a very serious issue,” Taekwoon replied from the chair next to him.
His makeup artist frowned when Kyungsoo snickered. “Your face is going to be a malfunction if you don’t hold still,” she muttered.
“You can’t threaten Kyungsoo’s face. He’s a national treasure,” Yixing called out as he walked in. Throwing him a cheeky smile, Yixing handed him a bouquet. “Good luck tonight.”
“Thanks, hyung.” Kyungsoo hugged him before noticing the second bouquet behind his back. “Are those…?”
“Oh, these are for the other star of the show.” Yixing turned to Taekwoon, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “This handsome man right here.”
Kyungsoo felt something cold sink in his chest when he saw Taekwoon smile. The feeling was weird, irrational even, seeing as how Yixing would logically be closer to Taekwoon than Kyungsoo was; they were good friends after all. But Kyungsoo couldn’t suppress the irritation that grew inside of him.
“Don’t sulk,” Yixing chided when he caught Kyungsoo’s eyes. “You still have more fans.”
Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Joonmyun entered, each attempting to tackle Kyungsoo in a hug as he furiously fought to get away. From the corner of his eyes, he saw the makeup artist throw her hands up in defeat. But before he could say anything- or kick Baekhyun out the door- someone shyly stepped inside.
“Hyung.” Kyungsoo’s eyes widened as Seungsoo made his way over. “How did you…”
“Yixing invited me,” Seungsoo grinned, tugging him into a tight embrace. “And of course, Joonmyun payed for my ticket.”
Seeing Seungsoo standing there beside his members- two halves of Kyungsoo’s life that were never supposed to meet- was surreal. It was wrong- the light in Seungsoo’s eyes clashed painfully against Joonmyun’s blinding smile- and he wanted to stop this. Go back home.
“Alright, let’s get a picture taken before my eyeliner smudges,” Baekhyun said, causing everyone to laugh. Chanyeol cackled before straightening when he saw the camera. Joonmyun followed suit, motioning to his brother. “Seungsoo, join us!”
No. Run. Kyungsoo wanted to say- scream. But it was too late, the camera already clicking as Seungsoo squeezed in between Joonmyun and Kyungsoo. “I’m so proud of you, Kyung,” he whispered, giving his arm a gentle squeeze. Kyungsoo clutched his bouquet and widened his smile.
Keep the cycle.
✿
“This is to a great run of The Emperor’s Robe,” Chanho said, lifting his soju glass. Winking at Kyungsoo, he continued. “You were a pain in the ass but you pulled it off. To Kyungsoo!”
The clank of glass and shouts of congratulations filled Kyungsoo’s ears as he swallowed the liquor. The season had been hugely successful with raving reviews and twenty sold-out shows. The last performance had received a ten-minute standing ovation, and the cast and crew had gone out for a much deserved celebration. As meat sizzled on the grills and more orders of soju were called out, Kyungsoo allowed the compliments and applause surround him for a little bit longer.
“Congratulations.” Taekwoon sat next to him. “You were great out there.”
“Thanks. That really means a lot.” Kyungsoo raised his glass at him. “You weren’t so bad either.”
Taekwoon smiled brightly at him, eyes curved and cheeks full, and for a moment, Kyungsoo wondered if he was drunk because he swore there were flowers floating around Taekwoon’s head. He looked down at his drink; he really needed a higher alcohol tolerance.
“Did your brother enjoy the show?”
“Oh. Yeah, he did.” Kyungsoo pushed away his soju glass. “He really did.”
Taekwoon nodded, handing him a glass of water. “He seemed nice,” he said. “But I wouldn’t want to bring my family into this either.”
“You noticed, huh?”
“Only that you cared about him.” Taekwoon glanced at him. “You’re a good little brother.”
There was no way someone could be as kind as Taekwoon. Kyungsoo was sure he had seen a character like him in a shoujo manga. Not that Kyungsoo actively read shoujo, but he may have flipped through one or two during his obsession with Prince of Tennis. Coughing, Kyungsoo looked away. “Thank you. And thanks for all your help with this musical. It was nice working with you these past three months.”
Three months and it was all over. It would be difficult to return to hurried bows at concerts and polite nods in passing, but this industry didn’t allow time for anything more. And yet, Kyungsoo had grown fond of Taekwoon (and his staring habits); he had come to anticipate the small touches of encouragement, the subtle grins and daily coffee chat about certain band members that needed to be punched. Perhaps Kyungsoo had gotten too close to him. Offering Taekwoon a final smile, Kyungsoo poured another shot of soju. He needed something strong to drown out the bittersweet feeling in his mouth.
✿
“I think we have a problem,” Sehun muttered. He pointed at the pile of boxes stacked in the living room. “Ten of those boxes are filled with manga.”
“I don’t see the issue.” Kyungsoo rifled through a box containing kitchenware. They wouldn’t have many opportunities to cook but he still wanted a fully functional kitchen- which was why he stole nearly all of the cutlery from their previous dorm. Kyungsoo smirked. He could practically see Joonmyun’s distressed face.
“There’s an issue when ten out of fifteen boxes are filled with comics,” Sehun said, exasperated. “Is that all we are? Manga hoarders?”
“Sports manga is a very serious form of literature,” Kyungsoo replied. Sehun looked as though he wanted to cry.
“Hyung, where are we even going to keep all of them?”
Kyungsoo crouched down to inspect the boxes. They looked strong enough to turn into shelves, which was good because he did not have time to buy furniture. “Well, you asked what we were doing with all these rooms so I thought we could turn one into a reading room.”
“A… reading room.”
“Yes. A room for reading. Manga.” Kyungsoo waved his arms. “Think of it. We could keep entire series in there, and all your little plushies and collectables could be kept in pristine condition.”
Sehun furiously nodded, excitement growing on his face. “You’re a genius.”
“It’s a gift and a burden,” Kyungsoo shrugged. “Also, if you ever need to jerk off to some ridiculously proportioned manga tits, you could do so in the privacy of the that room-”
“Hyung! I do not!” Sehun shouted, the red on his face spreading to his neck. “I can’t believe you would even imply that I’d do such a thing.”
“Oh Sehun,” Kyungsoo sighed, reaching up to pat Sehun’s shoulder. “You’re a twenty-three year old man. You’ve jerked off before. This is science.”
Sehun let out a wail and ran back into the living room. “You’re such a pervert!”
Kyungsoo chuckled and turned back to the kitchenware. Moving was better than what he had anticipated; Sehun had done a good job of transitioning over, with only a few tears and fewer complaints. If anything, he seemed a little too excited about the entire ordeal, already lining the foyer’s walls with pictures and awards. Kyungsoo hadn’t cared much about the move, but now, as he looked around the spacious apartment, he felt the finality of what they’d done. So this is how the end starts.
“Hyung!” Sehun called out. Kyungsoo walked into the foyer to see Sehun struggling with the new TV. “It came!”
Kyungsoo didn’t understand why they needed a sixty-inch TV. Curved screen or not, they could always go to the movies if they wanted to see something in “ultra-high-definition-blow-your-socks-off quality,” as Sehun had put it. But he had looked so excited about it so of course Kyungsoo had to give in. Grunting, he helped tug the box into the living room.
“This better be some high quality shit,” Kyungsoo grumbled.
Sehun laughed, eagerly tearing at the wrapping. “It’s going to be the best thing you’ve ever seen. Promise!”
Kyungsoo smiled fondly at him before reaching for the instruction manual. They would probably end up asking Minseok hyung to set it up but Kyungsoo could indulge Sehun’s excitement for a while.
“Hey hyung,” Sehun softly spoke up. His head was still down, eyes focused on the TV. “I saw your musical. I forgot to tell you, but congratulations.”
It was news to Kyungsoo that Sehun had even gone to see it. The younger had been caught up in a drama (not to mention, it was after the news of moving out so he had refused to speak to his members), so Kyungsoo hadn’t expected him to go. “Oh. Did you like it?”
“Yeah, it was really good.” Sehun finally looked up and smiled. “I saw a different side of you on that stage, hyung. It was… nice.”
✿
Things returned to normal within the next few months. Kyungsoo went to more auditions, hosted some radio shows, filmed some commercials- like slipping into a worn sweater, he settled back comfortably into the cycle. But then he received an email and suddenly the emotions he had hidden away came rushing back to him.
He was sitting in the same restaurant as before, but this time he had gone ahead and made sure they got a private room. Looking down at his phone, Kyungsoo ran his fingers over the message.
Would you like to get dinner? I miss talking with you
Kyungsoo shouldn’t be this excited. He tapped his feet anxiously, peering out the door to see if anyone was coming. Who was he kidding- he was practically bouncing with anticipation. Taking a deep breath, Kyungsoo closed his eyes. He needed to calm down, keep his cool. There was no point to getting worked up since Yixing would probably be here so it wouldn’t mean anything other than a small reunion between friends.
“Sleeping already?” Taekwoon grinned as he sat across from Kyungsoo. “I’m not even that late.”
His hair was dyed to a soft brown, bringing out the faint color in his cheeks. Kyungsoo really liked it. “Fifteen minutes,” he mumbled. “Why am I always the only person on time?”
“Well, at least I’m not like Yixing hyung. You could’ve waited thirty minutes.”
Kyungsoo weakly smiled. Yixing hyung. Of course Taekwoon would invite him. “Did you hear from him?”
“What?” Taekwoon flipped through the menu.
“About how late he’s going to be. Did he say when he’s getting here?”
Taekwoon looked up at him. “I didn’t invite Yixing. I just wanted to see you, Soo.”
Oh god. Kyungsoo quickly reached for his water, willing each swallow to stuff down the disgusting amount of giddiness that threatened to pour out of him. Stay calm, Kyungsoo.
“Besides, isn’t Yixing hyung in China?” Taekwoon teased. “How could you forget that your own member is in another country?”
Taekwoon laughed loudly and that was it. Happiness burst out of Kyungsoo, little giggles and the mad flushing of his cheeks tumbled out uncontrollably until he could only manage a soft, “Shut up.”
Next
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: EXO/VIXX
Pairing: D.O/Leo
Summary: He loves me, he loves me not.
Warnings: slurs, brief sexual references
Author's Note: Special thanks to KS for everything- you're a sweetheart. ❤ Thanks to the mods for putting up with me. #Teamqtpies
Prompt Used: Blossom Tears by LYn X LEO; both supplementary prompts
Kyungsoo can’t breathe. Something squeezes down on his chest, on his throat, and threatens to drown him. His ears are filled with a deafening buzz. Pained gasps wrack at his chest. It hurts. It’s suffocating and he can’t breathe. It hurts so much. He’s choking. He’s fighting for air when the world is collapsing on him.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
The words didn’t make sense. The syllables, the movement of those lips and the sounds that came out of them- they all didn’t make sense. Kyungsoo squeezes his eyes shut. Liar. Liar. Liar.
“Let’s never meet again.”
Kyungsoo can’t look up- he can’t. Not if there’s even the slightest chance that there is any truth in those eyes. It hurts.
“We’re done.”
He loves me not.
✿
Four years ago
The restaurant had promised a private room. Kyungsoo would have preferred eating at the company cafeteria but Yixing had whined about boring jajangmyeon and uptight sunbaes so here he was, stuck at an empty table next to a very open window- not his idea of private. He could make out the furious clicks of camera shutters over the light piano music; if he turned his head thirty degrees to the right, he would see nearly ten girls pressed up against the window. Someone screamed his name and he tried not to flinch. Years in this industry but he could never get used to those voices.
Kyungsoo looked down at his phone, tapping his foot impatiently when he saw how late Yixing was. As if on cue, his phone vibrated.
A little late! A friend is joining us so be nice until I get there.
Kyungsoo snorted. He didn’t know if he should be offended because Yixing thought he wasn’t cordial or because he had invited someone without letting Kyungsoo know first. It wasn’t that big of a deal. They were making friends in the industry now- actors, other idols, sunbaes, hoobaes. The faces all merged together after a while, an endless stream of polite smiles and hurried bows, and it was getting easier to blend in with it all.
“Excuse me.”
He jumped in his seat. Heart pounding, he gave an apologetic nod when the waiter bowed.
“We have prepared another seat for you.”
Kyungsoo blinked. He didn’t recall asking to move. In fact, he didn’t remember talking to the waiter since he had arrived. But different seats meant distance from the window, which meant breathing space from sasaengs, so Kyungsoo quickly followed the waiter to the back of the restaurant. He could hear the squeals and pounding fists against the window as he left, and only when he was in an empty room did he feel safe.
“Hello.” A hushed whisper. If the room weren’t so empty, if it wasn’t just him, Kyungsoo might not have even heard it.
He turned to see wide shoulders and narrowed eyes. Blinking slowly, Kyungsoo tried to come up with a name. An animal. Something to do with an animal, was it a cat? No, it was a zodiac sign. Or something like that? Kyungsoo licked his lips, ready to give an apologetic smile, when the man bowed first.
“It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you, Kyungsoo-shi,” he said. Kyungsoo immediately recognized that voice- high, soft, yet strong and focused, like the high C on the violin. He remembered hearing it around one of his friends, maybe it was Jaehwan, or was it Hongbin? That voice had left an impression on him. It was so different from what Kyungsoo had anticipated, so different from his name-
“Leo.” He let out a small breath when the man nodded. “It’s Leo, isn’t it?”
“You remembered.”
“Of course. I always remember EXO’s friends.” Kyungsoo gave a practiced smile, eyes curved and lips spread. Leo stared blankly at him before motioning to the table.
“Would you like to sit?”
Kyungsoo nodded, desperately wishing Yixing would arrive on time for once. He was always thirty minutes late for everything. Maybe Kyungsoo should just plan to show up late as well; it would save him awkward meetings with unexpected guests. He snuck a glance up to see Leo staring stoically back at him. Coughing, Kyungsoo reached for a menu.
“Oh, did you wait long?” Yixing walked in. He looked positively radiant, so cheerful and relaxed for someone who had just walked in late to his own lunch appointment. Kyungsoo would have punched his smiling face but that was socially unacceptable.
“We just sat down,” he responded through a gritted smile. Yixing must have recognized the smile (“The serial-killer-Shining smile” as Chanyeol had coined it) as he chose the furthest seat away from him. That was fine. Kyungsoo could always kick him under the table. That was socially acceptable.
“Did you have a good time in China?” Leo asked. “You filmed that cooking show again, right?”
It appeared Leo could hold a normal conversation. In fact, he was smiling. It was a slight turn of the lips, thin and barely noticeable if not for the sudden glow in his cheeks. It was subtle yet purposeful- a very nice smile. Shaking his head, Kyungsoo looked back down at his menu. Yixing had that effect on others, the ability to bring out their cheerful side while exuding a calming aura. They didn’t hang out much but he had always appreciated that about Yixing.
Halfway through his salad, Kyungsoo paused. When was the last time he and Yixing hyung had even talked? Last month? Before the six-month tour? He snuck a glance up to see Yixing and Leo still chatting happily. Had he missed out on so much that he was now a third wheel? Frustrated, Kyungsoo stabbed his fork into the plate.
“... Kyungsoo-shi?”
Leo was staring at him again, the heavy frown back on his face. With his back hunched over and dark hair nearly covering his eyes, he looked like something out of a horror movie. And they said Kyungsoo the spawn of Satan. “I’m sorry, did you say something?”
“I asked if you had any acting plans this year.”
“I’m not sure.” Kyungsoo shifted his gaze to the side and noticed Yixing had left the table.
“You didn’t speak much during the meal,” Leo pressed on. “Is something wrong?”
Kyungsoo wrinkled his nose. He faintly recalled Jaehwan saying Leo didn’t talk that much. Maybe this was another more annoying Leo. “I was hungry.” Kyungsoo hoped Yixing didn’t get lost. He really didn’t feel like rescuing him from a horde of fangirls today.
"Are you not feeling well?"
Kyungsoo offered Leo a small smile- the tilted one he often gave to Baekhyun when the idiot went too far with his jokes. "I feel great actually. Just a little tired, I suppose."
Leo narrowed his eyes, disbelief evident on his face even as he slowly nodded. "Oh. You just seem very unhappy."
Kyungsoo could think of a few reasons why he might seem unhappy, one being this overpriced meal and the other being a certain uninvited someone who wouldn’t leave him alone. He just wanted to ignore Leo and eat his bland, overly healthy quinoa salad in peace. But it wouldn't do to insult Yixing’s friend like that. They were idols, after all. "I’m just fine.
"The bathroom has chocolates," Yixing announced as he slid back into his seat. "Please explain to me why anybody would want to eat chocolates while taking a dump."
"There's always time for food," Leo offered. He was smiling again, a full spread of the lips this time, and for a moment, Kyungsoo was taken aback by how gentle he looked. Kyungsoo bit his lip and glared down at his quinoa.
Yixing rolled his eyes, his dimple showing when he smirked. “You’re a glutton so you don’t count. Kyungsoo, don’t ever treat this guy to food because he will run you dry.” He turned to him and paused, concern lining his forehead. "Are you okay? You don't look too good."
That goddamn Leo had gotten him riled up over nothing. There was a slight pain in Kyungsoo's side, and he could feel a headache starting behind his eyes. He was sure his cheeks were burning as well. But he wouldn't say anything. Not here, not in this restaurant, not in front of Leo.
"Everything's fine," he replied, turning away from Leo's gaze.
✿
“Sorry if you were uncomfortable.” Yixing dropped a water bottle into Kyungsoo’s lap. Lying next to him, he winced when his back met the hard practice room floor.
“With what?” Kyungsoo motioned for him to turn around and gently pressed the cold bottle against his back.
“Lunch. Thought it would be fun with more people.”
Kyungsoo didn’t respond. After all, what could he even say without sounding like an asshole? It wasn’t fun. The restaurant smelled bad. Your friend is weird. A few minutes passed, Kyungsoo rolling the bottle around Yixing’s back while the latter breathed softly in the stilted silence.
“I lied.” Yixing’s voice was muffled against the floor. When he turned his head, his gaze was directed at the wall behind Kyungsoo’s head. “I actually invited him because I was too scared to see you alone.”
Kyungsoo hummed as he continued his motions. He had never been that close to Yixing so this wasn’t so unexpected. Yixing was too honest, too open and sincere, for comfort, and Kyungsoo never knew how to correctly respond to him.
“When was the last time it was just us two?”
“Not sure,” Kyungsoo replied, motioning at Yixing to sit up. “Maybe a few months?”
“Maybe too long,” Yixing softly laughed. “Funny, huh, how it gets more awkward as time goes by?”
Kyungsoo didn’t think so. He had learned to bask in the pauses between sentences, to find comfort in silent drives and equally quiet meals. Those moments required less concentration. He didn’t have to figure out what words or motions were appropriate, like right now as Yixing’s gaze moved to his face. Kyungsoo offered his soft smile and an understanding, “Exactly.”
Yixing continued to stare at him, eyes slightly narrowed and worry ridden in the wrinkles around his mouth. Kyungsoo briefly glanced at the time, wondering when the others would arrive to rehearsal.
“Can you do me a favor?”
Kyungsoo quickly looked back at Yixing. Favors were easy. He could do that. Pleasing people was a speciality of his. “Anything.”
“The others are thinking of moving out. Chanyeol, Baek, Joonmyun…” Yixing trailed off, blinking slowly before he continued. “I need you to talk to Sehun.”
“Why?”
“Because he won’t take the news well. Jongin and Zitao also want out so-”
“But why me?” Kyungsoo kept his voice calm, shoulders relaxed even as he felt his insides twist. “Why can’t Joonmyun talk to him?”
“I think Sehun’s more comfortable around you.” Yixing gave a sheepish smile. “Plus, you’re the only one he’s scared of so he’ll listen to you.”
Kyungsoo snorted. Just then, the practice room door flung open and Jongdae chased a screeching Baekhyun and a laughing Sehun into the room. The other members slowly walked in after them, a few cheers every now and then as they watched Jongdae kick Baekhyun onto the floor.
“Sehun wants things to be the same,” Yixing muttered, grinning fondly as he watched them all. “Sometimes, I think he believes we’re still rookies.”
“Minseok hyung is almost thirty. Does Sehun realize that?”
“Does anyone realize that?”
Across the room, Minseok laughed loudly, eyes curved and teeth fully showing, at some joke Baekhyun made. Kyungsoo chuckled under his breath. The man looked younger than when he had debuted. Yet, there was no denying the slight hitch in his steps or the heavy lean of his body as he tried to keep up with his younger members. Whereas Minseok relied on multiple vitamins and weekly massages to keep going, Sehun still thrived on banana milk and peppero sticks.
“I just don’t want him to get hurt,” Yixing sighed. He leaned against Kyungsoo, looping their arms together. “We already have enough members that are unhappy.”
Kyungsoo stiffened when he was reminded of a soft voice and unrelenting eyes.
✿
After nearly four years in this industry, Kyungsoo had learned that it was all a cycle. Bow, smile, be good, be thankful- a slight deviation and the entire idol illusion could be shattered. So Kyungsoo pushed aside Leo’s words, neatly packed away Yixing’s worries, and continued to be D.O because that was necessary. He needed a steady rhythm to follow in the chaos that was the entertainment business. Keep the cycle and everything would be fine.
“Everything’s fine,” Kyungsoo muttered under his breath.
Next to him, his manager grunted. “Nervous?” He let out a muffled yawn as he flipped through his phone. “After all this time, I would’ve expected you to be used to it.”
They were sitting outside a music hall, waiting for Kyungsoo’s number to be called. His manager had suggested this audition, some new musical that was supposed to be “unconventional” and “beyond the scope of traditional performances.” No one knew what it was about, only that it was written and directed by a new guy with an impressive resume. Kyungsoo looked down at the audition piece in his lap. It was simple song, an uninteresting melody in an incredibly easy key, about robes. There was nothing “unconventional” about it.
“I’m fine,” he responded. Hearing his number called out, he walked into the audition room. It was a large hall, only a single light beaming down on the stage; one man sat in the front row.
“Kyungsoo, right?” He waved Kyungsoo in, flipping through a stack of papers before him. “Impressive resume. You’re no stranger to musicals.”
“Neither are you. They say you’re doing something great with the music here in Korea.”
“Is that what they say?” the man said. Sung Chanho, that was his name. Kyungsoo recalled seeing his face on Daum’s main page. He had been surprisingly young for all his accomplishments. “Did you memorize the audition piece?”
“Of course.”
Chanho grinned, tossing aside the paperwork and leaning back in his chair. “Good. Let me tell you a story.”
This wasn’t right. Kyungsoo didn’t like this audition. He was supposed to be singing, supposed to be bowing and buttering up the director. He wasn’t supposed to be listening to some story. As if he could see Kyungsoo’s displeasure, Chanho beamed wider.
“Once upon a time, there was a man, an emperor, who had the world’s biggest closet. People from all over would come to see this closet, and legends were told about the endless racks of beautiful robes. The emperor would put on a show every time he went out, stunning the people with his dazzling clothes. But then, one day, he didn’t know what to wear.” Chanho motioned to Kyungsoo. “Now, pretend you’re this emperor and sing.”
Kyungsoo stared blankly at him. Surely he was joking. No sane man randomly told a fairy tale and then asked him to sing. He carefully looked around the room. This could be one of those prank shows.
“Are you not going to sing?” Chanho crossed his arms, a knowing smirk on his lips. Kyungsoo could feel his temper rise; this man knew nothing about him yet he smiled as though he could see right into him, down to the layers he had so carefully covered. It was infuriating.
If some hotshot director wanted him to sing, then Kyungsoo would sing. He had done far more demeaning things to get where he was today; he was not going to be looked down by some wannabe-drama-queen-fairy-tale-my-ass director. So he sang. Kyungsoo easily flew through the melody, hitting all the notes and reciting the lines perfectly. Keep the cycle and everything would be fine.
My robes are murals, more divine than the heavens, see the majesty of what I wear. Kyungsoo thought the song was stupid. The story was stupid. The birds have one coat while I have a thousand, yet why do I feel as though I am the one trapped in cage. Clearly the magistrate was a vain idiot who wanted to show off his clothes- If I am stripped of these colors, am I still worthy, am I still me?- it’s not like he had anything to hide behind those elaborate robes.
Kyungsoo paused, voice trailing off. It’s not like he had anything to hide.
“Perfect.” Loud claps startled him and he gave a hurried bow as Chanho approached the stage. “You’re an interesting person, Kyungsoo. Just like this character.”
Kyungsoo clenched his teeth. Bow and smile. Keep the cycle. Be good and be thankful. “Thank you.” When he lifted his head, Chanho handed him a thick packet with The Emperor’s Robe scrawled roughly across the front.
“I look forward to working with you, Do Kyungsoo.”
✿
It began with Kyungsoo standing in a field. Like most things in a dream, there wasn’t much detail. It was him, an empty field, and a misty sky. Then there were the flowers. Red flowers that sprouted around him, glowing faintly from the slivers of sunlight that passed through the fog. When he tugged on one, it gave rise to countless more. Eventually, Kyungsoo would allow the flowers to cover him, filling his arms and spilling all around until all he could see was a haze of red, red, red.
That was usually when Kyungsoo woke. With the faint tingling of petals still lingering on his skin, he would carry through another day.
✿
Late night rehearsals deserved a special circle in hell, Kyungsoo reasoned as he collapsed on the floor. Lack of sleep and missed meals were bad enough, but surely all the extra practice was just pure evil. One would think that it would get easier after all these years but the burn in his feet and rush of blood in his ears made him realize that the only thing going downhill was their bodies.
“I need chicken,” Jongin groaned out. He flopped over on his back, nudging Joonmyun with a foot. “Hyung. I need chicken.”
“Too tired.” Joonmyun gave a heavy sigh before rummaging in his pockets. Muttering a soft, “I’m getting too old for this shit,” he threw his credit card at Jongin’s face.
“Don’t forget the hot sauce!” Zitao called out as Jongin scrambled to the door. Sehun trailed after him, his steps a bit too bouncy for Kyungsoo’s tastes. How in the world that boy still had any energy after a five hour practice was beyond his comprehension.
“So did Yixing hyung tell you?” Chanyeol nudged him over to occupy the small amount of space between him and the wall. Kyungsoo wanted to punch him in the ears but that would require extra energy so he just rolled over and grunted, “Hurgh.”
“I’m going to guess that’s a yes.” Chanyeol fiddled with Kyungsoo’s hair, letting out a pained yelp when he got kicked in the legs. He opted to poke Kyungsoo instead, lowering his voice as he murmured, “Are you going to move out?”
“It’s about time.” I don’t want to.
Poke. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I thought. Everyone would have more space if we lived separately.”
“That’s good.” It’s not like we don’t have space right now.
Poke. “And then we could have awesome parties at each other’s pads.”
Kyungsoo sat up, eloquently hitting Chanyeol’s face in the process. “Don’t ever call it a pad. You sound ridiculous.” We would never visit each other.
Chanyeol wriggled around until his head was in Kyungsoo’s lap. “You’re going to tell Sehun, right?”
“Don’t dump this on me,” Kyungsoo grumbled. He wondered if Chanyeol could hear the underlying whine in his voice.
“Oh come on, Kyungsoo. Do us this one favor.” Chanyeol’s eyes were huge as he stared up at Kyungsoo. He looked like one of those goddamn elves from Harry Potter and Kyungsoo had always had a weakness for those little, adorable fuckers; Chanyeol knew this.
“Fine,” Kyungsoo relented. No.
“You’re the greatest best friend!” As Chanyeol tugged him into a hug, as Jongin and Sehun bounded back in with boxes of chicken- as Kyungsoo sat in the circle of ten and laughed and ate and indulged Baekhyun’s stupid jokes and massaged Jongin’s tired aches- Kyungsoo had to agree. He played one hell of a great friend.
✿
“I heard you got the lead part in that new musical- congrats!”
Kyungsoo clutched his phone tightly as he strode out of EXO’s waiting room. Waving away Jongin’s “We’re on in five,” he looked for a quiet place to talk to his brother. “Thanks, hyung. How’d you find out?”
Seungsoo chuckled. “Your fansites know everything. It’s really creepy but I won’t deny that it keeps me updated better than you do.”
“Sorry about that. I was busy with stuff and-”
“I didn’t call to hear an apology, Kyung. But if you really want to make it up to me, call mum and dad sometime, will you?”
Shame flooded his cheeks. He hadn’t spoken to them since Chuseok and here he was now at a KBS Christmas special rehearsal. “I’ll make sure to call them soon,” he promised.
“Good.” The line was silent after that, only Seungsoo’s soft breaths filling the static between them. It hadn’t always been this awkward, but sometime after Seungsoo had left for the army and Kyungsoo had stood on the stage, they had drifted apart. Maybe it was because Seungsoo had come back after Kyungsoo had formed his image, after he had become D.O, and Kyungsoo had added “dedicated younger brother” to his list of performances. Maybe it was because Seungsoo achieved a fulfilling, simple life at thirty while Kyungsoo’s life didn’t include the word “simple.”
“Thanks again, hyung. I really appreciate you calling me.”
“Of course, that’s what brothers do.” Seungsoo’s voice reminded Kyungsoo of sticky ice pops and car rides next to the river. They felt like a lifetime ago. “We should hang out sometime. “
“Um….” Kyungsoo glanced out the window to see a horde of fangirls staring at him from five floors below. He stepped back, circling the hall to return to the waiting room. “Maybe.”
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun! You can introduce me to your famous friends.”
“... sure. Anytime, hyung.”
He felt terrible lying to his brother but he had to keep him from this world. Seungsoo was much too trusting, too open and caring, to survive in an industry that thrived on scrutinizing his each and every move. Even now, as he stood backstage and listened to the shrieks and cries of oppa oppa oppa, Kyungsoo felt the stares of the world. His beloved brother deserved better than this.
“Kyungie!” Someone tackled him from behind, arms wound tightly around his waist. Kyungsoo turned his head to see a long nose and a blinding smile.
“Jaehwan,” he grinned. “How did you sneak in here?”
“We’re performing before EXO.” Jaehwan jerked his head to the other side of the stage. “I came over to say congratulations! I heard you’re the lead in Director Park’s new musical.”
Apparently everyone had heard the news. Kyungsoo shouldn’t have been surprised; nothing was private. “It’s no big deal.”
“No big deal? I heard it’s supposed to be spectacular.” Jaehwan dramatically wiggled his eyebrows, eliciting a small chuckle from Kyungsoo. “Speaking of which, did you know? Our pinkeu pinkeu is also in the musical!”
“Pinkeu… pinkeu?”
He was about to ask why Sehun’s beloved Rilakkuma plushie would be in a musical when Jaehwan shouted as a hand slapped his neck. Rubbing the sore spot, Jaehwan gave a sheepish laugh. “I mean, Taekwoon hyung.”
Leo stepped out from behind him, raising his hand in warning when Jaehwan started to giggle again. His hair was cut shorter than before, allowing Kyungsoo to see a slight curve in his eyes as Leo shoved Jaehwan to the side. “Good to see you again, Kyungsoo-shi.”
Kyungsoo couldn’t say the same. He hadn’t been able to get Leo’s piercing stare and his stupid words out of his mind since that lunch two weeks ago, and now he was going to star in a musical with this pain in the ass. Gritting his teeth, he gave a small bow. “Good to see you too.”
“Taekwoon hyung is so excited to work with you,” Jaehwan cut in. “He only talks about when he ate with you.”
“Shut up,” Leo warned him, raising his hand again. But Jaehwan wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t go one step further.
“How come you didn’t invite me, Kyungie?” he pouted. “I’m so much more interesting than a rock.”
Kyungsoo couldn’t help his laughter when Jaehwan smirked, jumping away from Leo’s furious kicks before running back to his members. “That idiot,” Leo muttered, ducking his head. “I’m sorry about him, Kyungsoo-shi.”
"I think we can drop the formalities. We’re working together now, so let’s be friends," Kyungsoo half-smiled. His grin grew wider when he caught the light flush that spread across Leo's neck. So even the devil could blush. "Besides, you're older than me, so all this jondaemal* is just awkward."
"I’m taller too," Leo quietly mumbled.
Kyungsoo narrowed his eyes, fingers unconsciously clenching into fists. "Be careful, Leo. I’m still your sunbae."
"Taekwoon."
"What?"
"Taekwoon." His grip was surprisingly firm, almost painfully tight, in Kyungsoo's hand, but Kyungsoo was more surprised by the thin smile on his lips. “Please, call me Taekwoon.”
✿
Poppies. Kyungsoo realized the flowers were poppies. Four years of this dream and he just figured out what they were. He plucked a few- the red petals staining his pale skin- and he watched as they filled his arms. Suddenly, he looked up to see a man in the distance. The man was too far away for Kyungsoo to make out a face, and he considered calling out to him, but the poppies were already covering him. The red haze set in as he strained to see who the man was.
Kyungsoo woke up to see Sehun shuffling around the room. Blinking slowly, he sat up and rubbed his face. What was that. No one ever appeared in that dream.
“Morning,” Sehun grunted in a raspy voice. He raised an eyebrow when he turned to face Kyungsoo. “You don’t look so hot. Nightmare?”
Kyungsoo fiddled with the bed covers, watching as Sehun rubbed BB cream onto his face. “I don’t know.”
✿
Musicals were like world tours. They both consisted of the same things: singing, dancing, running backstage, bouncing around sets and swapping one costume for another- playing a character everyone expected and wanted him to be. Kyungsoo had become conditioned to excel at musicals so The Emperor’s Robe shouldn't have been any different. Except that dream had kept him up the past two nights and there was also the issue of Taekwoon.
“Kyungsoo,” Chanho called out, stopping the rehearsal. “Did you forget that you don’t sing this song? I know you’re the main character but not everything is about you.”
Kyungsoo hurriedly bowed, face turning bright as he dashed off the stage. Chanho might have been joking- Kyungsoo learned that Chanho’s irritating smirk usually meant so- but the director wasn’t wrong to scold him. He had been distracted all day, partly due to lack of sleep but mostly because Taekwoon wouldn’t stop staring at him. He had first thought he was making it up but Kyungsoo was now certain of it.
Taekwoon was supposed to be playing the part of a smartass tailor- how appropriate- and he was most definitely supposed to be tailoring, or whatever the hell tailors do, but no, he insisted on singing his parts to Kyungsoo. Literally, the man was singing to Kyungsoo.
Kyungsoo’s read the entire script. Twice. He’s been through everyone’s lines. Twice. The tailor was definitely supposed to be singing to the female lead, or the other cast members, or to the audience. He was definitely not supposed to be singing to Kyungsoo. It was nerve-wracking to be watched as intensely and obviously as Taekwoon had been doing the entire rehearsal. Kyungsoo didn’t know what he was singing or saying half of the time.
“Kyungsoo! That was your cue.” Chanho motioned at him, voice more tired than amused now. Kyungsoo mentally slapped himself in the face. Come on, D.O. Get it together. He shouldn’t be so distracted; he was a professional. He was better than this. Everything’s fine.
“It’s not right,” Chanho sighed during their private meeting afterwards. Kyungsoo had strained his voice, made his motions bigger, caught all his cues, but Chanho still wasn’t satisfied. “This musical is a little different from other ones. It’s about the performer, not the character. You write the character. You motivate him, make him love and hate. You drive him.”
Kyungsoo nodded. Maybe he could call Changmin later. That hyung always gave good vocal tips. Kyuhyun too. “I apologize for being so distracted with-”
“No, that’s not it.” Chanho waved him off. They sat in silence for a while, Kyungsoo carefully counting his breaths as the director stared at the script between them. “What do you want?”
Kyungsoo blinked. “Excuse me?”
“Think about it.” Chanho motioned to the door, offering him a soft pat on the back as he showed him out. “What does Do Kyungsoo want?”
It wasn’t until later that night, standing in the shower, counting down the seconds until Chanyeol would holler at him to get out, that he would have time to think about those words. What did he want? Grabbing the soap, Kyungsoo scrubbed the makeup off his face.
It didn’t matter what he wanted. That had been very clear from the beginning, when Joonmyun had sat him down three weeks before debut and laid it all out for him. Kyungsoo, the truth is they don’t care. You could be the sweetest person out there or the world’s biggest asshole but they don’t care because they see who they want to see. The bubble tea Joonmyun bought him had tasted sour on his tongue and Kyungsoo had the sudden urge to hurl. They have this idea of you, this supposed understanding of who you are, and they get into your head. They make you- and that’s who you are. You are what they want you to be.
And Kyungsoo had quickly found out that Joonmyun was right. They all had. So he took away little pieces, chipped off blocks of his reactions, his emotions, his desires- of Do Kyungsoo- until he had hidden himself well. Like an old shirt stuffed behind a line of stage costumes or his favorite novel hidden behind a stack of dictionaries and how-to guides, Kyungsoo had neatly tucked himself away from the world. Like a caterpillar, he had cocooned himself behind all these layers and masks and characters, and he had kept the cycle.
He was fine.
Shutting off the water, he stepped out of the shower. After a brief glance in the mirror, he turned to let Chanyeol inside. What did he want? Kyungsoo didn’t have the luxury of asking such a selfish question.
✿
“We should consider alternative living spaces,” Joonmyun began at dinner. It was a rare occasion to have all ten members sitting at one table, and Kyungsoo had hoped this meal would be somewhat peaceful. Sighing softly, he put his spoon down.
“Like a new dorm?” Sehun asked. Kyungsoo noticed how all the other members shifted uncomfortably. Even Zitao had set aside his chopsticks.
“... kind of,” Joonmyun tried. “But it’s a little difficult to find an apartment for all of us so-”
“A house!” Sehun laughed. “Great idea, hyung!”
Idiot. Kyungsoo gritted his teeth. How naive could Sehun be. Then again, with how well they were all pretending, Sehun could have never seen this coming. Glancing around, he saw Chanyeol’s exasperated face as he meaningfully nodded to him. Cowards.
“Not exactly a house,” Jongdae jumped in. “We were thinking of something different…”
“We’re living separately,” Jongin spoke up, gaze fixed on his plate as he stabbed a piece of meat. “Moving out.”
Moving on. Kyungsoo saw how Sehun’s hands tensed, his eyes shifting around like he did when he was anxious. Yixing had been right; Sehun was not handling this well. Only the sound of grilling meat filled the room and no one made a move. It was suffocating.
“And everyone’s okay with this?” Sehun quietly said, face tight. “You all get together, go behind my back, and suddenly decide you’re done with this shit?!”
“Oh Sehun, watch your tone,” Minseok demanded. A thud shook the table when the eldest slammed down his cup. Sehun visibly shrunk from his stare, uneven breaths escaping him.
“But then,” he whispered, choking a bit as he looked desperately to each one of them. He finally stared down at his plate, fingers trembling as he nudged it away. “Where do we… where do I go?”
“You and I can move in together,” Kyungsoo spoke up. Ignoring Joonmyun’s stare and Chanyeol’s alarmed face, he gave Sehun a tilted smile. “I’ll cook and you can wash your own laundry. It’ll be fun.”
✿
“Cut.” Chanho rubbed his forehead, voice laced with fatigue. “Let’s finish here today.”
Kyungsoo lowered his head, determinedly staring at his feet as people murmured around him. Rehearsal had been terrible, and it wasn’t even because of Taekwoon this time. With everything else going on, he’d been too distracted to practice, much less consider what Chanho had said before.
“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo bowed a full ninety degrees, holding the position even as Chanho tugged him up. “I take full responsibility for holding back practice today.”
“Everyone has their off day, right?” For the first time, Chanho’s smile was missing its usual haughty smirk. “Just don’t make it a habit.”
He wouldn’t. Everything would be fine. Offering a final bow, Kyungsoo turned to see Taekwoon walking towards him. “Latte?” Taekwoon gently pushed the cup into Kyungsoo’s hand when he refused. “It helps me feel better after a rough rehearsal.”
“That bad, huh?” Kyungsoo weakly grinned. “I’m a disappointing lead, aren’t I?”
Taekwoon didn’t immediately respond. Swishing his cup around, he licked his lips before hesitantly speaking. “You have an amazing voice.”
“That’s nice but-”
“And you’re great at acting.” Taekwoon looked over at him, meeting his eyes in a gaze so strong Kyungsoo wanted nothing more than to look away. “Sometimes too good. I think that’s what is holding you back.”
“You know so much about me,” Kyungsoo scoffed. Smirking, he tilted his head in mock interest. “So, tell me. How should I better portray this character?”
“You’re the Emperor. You do what you want,” Taekwoon shrugged. “You’re vain and pretentious. I mean, the entire musical is named after your clothes. Oh, and you’re stubborn to a fault.” He raised an eyebrow at which Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “But maybe that’s not all there’s to you. Why do you have so many robes?”
“The robes are all I’m known for.” Kyungsoo gripped his cup, fingernails digging into the styrofoam. “If I don’t have them, then who am I?”
Who is Do Kyungsoo?
Taekwoon carefully took the cup from Kyungsoo’s clenched hands. “The Emperor is more than his robes. Maybe that’s all he was trying to say the entire time.”
✿
Miles and miles around, the red flowers stretched across his vision. Surrounding him, covering the misty sky and the sun, and Kyungsoo would eventually let them embrace him. As the petals brushed over his skin and Kyungsoo closed his eyes, he could feel a warm hand slip into his.
✿
“This place has too many rooms,” Sehun muttered when the realtor left them to inspect the apartment. “Why do two guys need four bedrooms?”
“Privacy,” Kyungsoo replied. He looked out the window, noting the apartment’s distance from the main road. “Sasaengs will have trouble getting into this neighborhood so that’s good.”
“How far away will the others live?”
Kyungsoo turned back to him. “Sehun. That’s not the point.”
“Then what is, hyung? What’s the point of all this-” Sehun wildly waved around the empty room- “if we’re just going to disband in a few years anyways?”
Kyungsoo bit his lip. “I don’t know.”
Sehun scoffed. It was quiet for a few minutes before he finally sighed. “Well, I guess this place isn’t so bad. It has enough room for that big TV I wanted so that’s good. What do you think?”
“It’s quaint.”
“Oh come on, hyung. What do you want?”
What does Do Kyungsoo want? “...I ..."
“Don’t know,” Sehun finished for him. Sighing, he looked around the empty apartment. “Yeah. I figured you would say that.”
✿
“It’s Kyungsoo hyung!” Hongbin ran towards him, shortly followed by Jaehwan and Hakyeon. Kyungsoo braced himself for the inevitable group hug that would follow. “What are you doing at our studio?”
What was he doing indeed. Kyungsoo must have been pretty desperate to take up Taekwoon’s offer of rehearsing for the musical. But with the mess back at his company- the members had discovered that Sehun was the most passive-aggressive person in existence- he didn’t want any more distractions.
“Are you joining VIXX?” Jaehwan asked, eyes glinting mischievously. “You know there’s a height requirement, right?”
Hongbin groaned loudly and wrapped his arms around Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “Stop teasing him. At least Kyungsoo hyung is cute.”
Kyungsoo smiled when Jaehwan started pouting (“Take that back, Bean face!”) and lively banter echoed in his ears. It was a nice change from the current attitude of his own members. This atmosphere was something Kyungsoo was more familiar with.
“Get out,” Taekwoon muttered as he stepped in. Reaching for Kyungsoo’s arm, he jerked his head at the door. “Soo and I have to practice.”
“Soo? You already gave him a nickname?” Hakyeon laughed.
“No fair! Kyungie is my friend!” Jaehwan loudly complained as he turned to Kyungsoo. “Kyungie is a much cuter name than Soo, right?”
Kyungsoo was still reeling from the fact that Taekwoon had given him a nickname. This seemed a bit fast. But, Kyungsoo lowered his eyes, a grin tugging at his lips, Soo is maybe kind of cute.
“Sorry about them,” Taekwoon mumbled after Hakyeon had dragged Hongbin and Jaehwan out. Shutting the door behind them, he gave a long sigh. “They have way too much energy.”
“It’s fine.” Kyungsoo joined Taekwoon next to the piano. “It’s a nice change from my members.” He bit his tongue after the words left his mouth. It was unnecessary to mention such things; he should have kept quiet.
“It can’t be easy having nine other members,” Taekwoon quietly said. “I can barely keep sane around five.”
Kyungsoo hummed in response, not trusting himself with words. As if he could read Kyungsoo’s mind, Taekwoon nodded at the piano. “How about we start rehearsal? It’s time to give the Emperor a voice.”
Right, rehearsal. Kyungsoo had almost forgotten why he was here in the first place. Taking a deep breath, he started the song. My robes are murals, more divine than the heavens, see the majesty of what I wear. The robes were beautiful, so many different colours and patterns- the Emperor had one for every occasion. The birds have one coat while I have a thousand, yet why do I feel as though I am the one trapped in cage. Was he vain, or was he actually the most self-conscious of them all? What was the point of having so many robes when no one cared about him? The people only saw what they wanted to see, so maybe that was it. Maybe the Emperor stripped himself to make a point. If I am stripped of these colors, am I still worthy, am I still me? The Emperor was worth more than this.
Kyungsoo paused, voice trailing off. He was worth more than this.
“You do have a voice,” Taekwoon quietly spoke up. Catching Kyungsoo’s eye, he smiled. It was a slow grin, a slight pull of the lips paired with a soft hand on Kyungsoo’s arm, before he reached for the piano keys. “Let me hear it again.”
✿
For a brief moment, in a small practice room with no air conditioning and just him, Taekwoon, and a piano, Kyungsoo had let go. He had let go of the cycle and trusted his own voice for a few moments. And it wasn’t so bad.
“There’s the Kyungsoo I was looking for,” Chanho cheekily smiled at the next practice. “We’re finally making progress!” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, grinning when he met Taekwoon’s gaze. Rehearsals were finally coming together and Kyungsoo had found that he could understand, maybe he even relate, to this ridiculous musical.
“I still don’t think it’s anything spectacular,” Kyungsoo grumbled six months later. It was opening night and everyone was crowded in the dressing rooms. “We’re still singing about robes for three hours.”
“Wardrobe malfunction is a very serious issue,” Taekwoon replied from the chair next to him.
His makeup artist frowned when Kyungsoo snickered. “Your face is going to be a malfunction if you don’t hold still,” she muttered.
“You can’t threaten Kyungsoo’s face. He’s a national treasure,” Yixing called out as he walked in. Throwing him a cheeky smile, Yixing handed him a bouquet. “Good luck tonight.”
“Thanks, hyung.” Kyungsoo hugged him before noticing the second bouquet behind his back. “Are those…?”
“Oh, these are for the other star of the show.” Yixing turned to Taekwoon, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “This handsome man right here.”
Kyungsoo felt something cold sink in his chest when he saw Taekwoon smile. The feeling was weird, irrational even, seeing as how Yixing would logically be closer to Taekwoon than Kyungsoo was; they were good friends after all. But Kyungsoo couldn’t suppress the irritation that grew inside of him.
“Don’t sulk,” Yixing chided when he caught Kyungsoo’s eyes. “You still have more fans.”
Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Joonmyun entered, each attempting to tackle Kyungsoo in a hug as he furiously fought to get away. From the corner of his eyes, he saw the makeup artist throw her hands up in defeat. But before he could say anything- or kick Baekhyun out the door- someone shyly stepped inside.
“Hyung.” Kyungsoo’s eyes widened as Seungsoo made his way over. “How did you…”
“Yixing invited me,” Seungsoo grinned, tugging him into a tight embrace. “And of course, Joonmyun payed for my ticket.”
Seeing Seungsoo standing there beside his members- two halves of Kyungsoo’s life that were never supposed to meet- was surreal. It was wrong- the light in Seungsoo’s eyes clashed painfully against Joonmyun’s blinding smile- and he wanted to stop this. Go back home.
“Alright, let’s get a picture taken before my eyeliner smudges,” Baekhyun said, causing everyone to laugh. Chanyeol cackled before straightening when he saw the camera. Joonmyun followed suit, motioning to his brother. “Seungsoo, join us!”
No. Run. Kyungsoo wanted to say- scream. But it was too late, the camera already clicking as Seungsoo squeezed in between Joonmyun and Kyungsoo. “I’m so proud of you, Kyung,” he whispered, giving his arm a gentle squeeze. Kyungsoo clutched his bouquet and widened his smile.
Keep the cycle.
✿
“This is to a great run of The Emperor’s Robe,” Chanho said, lifting his soju glass. Winking at Kyungsoo, he continued. “You were a pain in the ass but you pulled it off. To Kyungsoo!”
The clank of glass and shouts of congratulations filled Kyungsoo’s ears as he swallowed the liquor. The season had been hugely successful with raving reviews and twenty sold-out shows. The last performance had received a ten-minute standing ovation, and the cast and crew had gone out for a much deserved celebration. As meat sizzled on the grills and more orders of soju were called out, Kyungsoo allowed the compliments and applause surround him for a little bit longer.
“Congratulations.” Taekwoon sat next to him. “You were great out there.”
“Thanks. That really means a lot.” Kyungsoo raised his glass at him. “You weren’t so bad either.”
Taekwoon smiled brightly at him, eyes curved and cheeks full, and for a moment, Kyungsoo wondered if he was drunk because he swore there were flowers floating around Taekwoon’s head. He looked down at his drink; he really needed a higher alcohol tolerance.
“Did your brother enjoy the show?”
“Oh. Yeah, he did.” Kyungsoo pushed away his soju glass. “He really did.”
Taekwoon nodded, handing him a glass of water. “He seemed nice,” he said. “But I wouldn’t want to bring my family into this either.”
“You noticed, huh?”
“Only that you cared about him.” Taekwoon glanced at him. “You’re a good little brother.”
There was no way someone could be as kind as Taekwoon. Kyungsoo was sure he had seen a character like him in a shoujo manga. Not that Kyungsoo actively read shoujo, but he may have flipped through one or two during his obsession with Prince of Tennis. Coughing, Kyungsoo looked away. “Thank you. And thanks for all your help with this musical. It was nice working with you these past three months.”
Three months and it was all over. It would be difficult to return to hurried bows at concerts and polite nods in passing, but this industry didn’t allow time for anything more. And yet, Kyungsoo had grown fond of Taekwoon (and his staring habits); he had come to anticipate the small touches of encouragement, the subtle grins and daily coffee chat about certain band members that needed to be punched. Perhaps Kyungsoo had gotten too close to him. Offering Taekwoon a final smile, Kyungsoo poured another shot of soju. He needed something strong to drown out the bittersweet feeling in his mouth.
✿
“I think we have a problem,” Sehun muttered. He pointed at the pile of boxes stacked in the living room. “Ten of those boxes are filled with manga.”
“I don’t see the issue.” Kyungsoo rifled through a box containing kitchenware. They wouldn’t have many opportunities to cook but he still wanted a fully functional kitchen- which was why he stole nearly all of the cutlery from their previous dorm. Kyungsoo smirked. He could practically see Joonmyun’s distressed face.
“There’s an issue when ten out of fifteen boxes are filled with comics,” Sehun said, exasperated. “Is that all we are? Manga hoarders?”
“Sports manga is a very serious form of literature,” Kyungsoo replied. Sehun looked as though he wanted to cry.
“Hyung, where are we even going to keep all of them?”
Kyungsoo crouched down to inspect the boxes. They looked strong enough to turn into shelves, which was good because he did not have time to buy furniture. “Well, you asked what we were doing with all these rooms so I thought we could turn one into a reading room.”
“A… reading room.”
“Yes. A room for reading. Manga.” Kyungsoo waved his arms. “Think of it. We could keep entire series in there, and all your little plushies and collectables could be kept in pristine condition.”
Sehun furiously nodded, excitement growing on his face. “You’re a genius.”
“It’s a gift and a burden,” Kyungsoo shrugged. “Also, if you ever need to jerk off to some ridiculously proportioned manga tits, you could do so in the privacy of the that room-”
“Hyung! I do not!” Sehun shouted, the red on his face spreading to his neck. “I can’t believe you would even imply that I’d do such a thing.”
“Oh Sehun,” Kyungsoo sighed, reaching up to pat Sehun’s shoulder. “You’re a twenty-three year old man. You’ve jerked off before. This is science.”
Sehun let out a wail and ran back into the living room. “You’re such a pervert!”
Kyungsoo chuckled and turned back to the kitchenware. Moving was better than what he had anticipated; Sehun had done a good job of transitioning over, with only a few tears and fewer complaints. If anything, he seemed a little too excited about the entire ordeal, already lining the foyer’s walls with pictures and awards. Kyungsoo hadn’t cared much about the move, but now, as he looked around the spacious apartment, he felt the finality of what they’d done. So this is how the end starts.
“Hyung!” Sehun called out. Kyungsoo walked into the foyer to see Sehun struggling with the new TV. “It came!”
Kyungsoo didn’t understand why they needed a sixty-inch TV. Curved screen or not, they could always go to the movies if they wanted to see something in “ultra-high-definition-blow-your-socks-off quality,” as Sehun had put it. But he had looked so excited about it so of course Kyungsoo had to give in. Grunting, he helped tug the box into the living room.
“This better be some high quality shit,” Kyungsoo grumbled.
Sehun laughed, eagerly tearing at the wrapping. “It’s going to be the best thing you’ve ever seen. Promise!”
Kyungsoo smiled fondly at him before reaching for the instruction manual. They would probably end up asking Minseok hyung to set it up but Kyungsoo could indulge Sehun’s excitement for a while.
“Hey hyung,” Sehun softly spoke up. His head was still down, eyes focused on the TV. “I saw your musical. I forgot to tell you, but congratulations.”
It was news to Kyungsoo that Sehun had even gone to see it. The younger had been caught up in a drama (not to mention, it was after the news of moving out so he had refused to speak to his members), so Kyungsoo hadn’t expected him to go. “Oh. Did you like it?”
“Yeah, it was really good.” Sehun finally looked up and smiled. “I saw a different side of you on that stage, hyung. It was… nice.”
✿
Things returned to normal within the next few months. Kyungsoo went to more auditions, hosted some radio shows, filmed some commercials- like slipping into a worn sweater, he settled back comfortably into the cycle. But then he received an email and suddenly the emotions he had hidden away came rushing back to him.
He was sitting in the same restaurant as before, but this time he had gone ahead and made sure they got a private room. Looking down at his phone, Kyungsoo ran his fingers over the message.
Would you like to get dinner? I miss talking with you
Kyungsoo shouldn’t be this excited. He tapped his feet anxiously, peering out the door to see if anyone was coming. Who was he kidding- he was practically bouncing with anticipation. Taking a deep breath, Kyungsoo closed his eyes. He needed to calm down, keep his cool. There was no point to getting worked up since Yixing would probably be here so it wouldn’t mean anything other than a small reunion between friends.
“Sleeping already?” Taekwoon grinned as he sat across from Kyungsoo. “I’m not even that late.”
His hair was dyed to a soft brown, bringing out the faint color in his cheeks. Kyungsoo really liked it. “Fifteen minutes,” he mumbled. “Why am I always the only person on time?”
“Well, at least I’m not like Yixing hyung. You could’ve waited thirty minutes.”
Kyungsoo weakly smiled. Yixing hyung. Of course Taekwoon would invite him. “Did you hear from him?”
“What?” Taekwoon flipped through the menu.
“About how late he’s going to be. Did he say when he’s getting here?”
Taekwoon looked up at him. “I didn’t invite Yixing. I just wanted to see you, Soo.”
Oh god. Kyungsoo quickly reached for his water, willing each swallow to stuff down the disgusting amount of giddiness that threatened to pour out of him. Stay calm, Kyungsoo.
“Besides, isn’t Yixing hyung in China?” Taekwoon teased. “How could you forget that your own member is in another country?”
Taekwoon laughed loudly and that was it. Happiness burst out of Kyungsoo, little giggles and the mad flushing of his cheeks tumbled out uncontrollably until he could only manage a soft, “Shut up.”
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