Round 22: C.H.In.A Line Does China: A Journey of Healing
Title: C.H.In.A Line Does China: A Journey of Healing
Team: Canon/AR
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 5712 words
Fandom: EXO, China-line; ensemble
Pairing: gen, mostly, except for running jokes and past relationships
Warnings: It’s a crack fic, like a sitcom set in a canon ‘verse. Everyone is the butt of some kind of joke. Nothing is meant to offend. Also, uh, warning for Kris and the Krisis?
Summary: Tao can’t get over Kris, and it’s up to the rest of China Line-or, well, C.H.In.A Line-to help him.
Author's Note: ***This was written long before any of the recent Tao news***
Also, dear readers, please remember that we are Team Canon/AR.
Agent Porcupine, you enabled this. J.D Vector Slice, Biscuit 007, & Agent A, you encouraged this. Extra thanks to Biscuit 007 for reading over this at the last second. Team Spy, after this mission I must promptly disappear and you will have to take responsibility for whatever havoc this crackfic wreaks. Good luck.
Prompt Used: Troy - Green Light
All Tao said over the phone was “I need your help with something.” Then he hung up, leaving Jia staring at his name on the screen until it went black.
“He sounded pretty upset,” Jia says to Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi sips on his coffee, his ankle resting on his knee as he tries very hard to make his model-in-a-coffee-shop pose seem natural, and his expression remains blank.
“And?”
“And maybe we should go help him?” Jia taps her fingers against the edge of her phone and gives Zhou Mi a look, trying to glare her way to convincing him that this situation is a lot more serious than he’s willing to admit.
“You know he’s an adult, right?” Zhou Mi pries the phone from Jia’s hand and pockets it. “Sometimes little birds have to learn to fly all on their own.”
Jia has a pretty good idea of what happens when Tao gets to “fly all on his own.”
“What if he’s burning stuff again?” she asks.
Zhou Mi groans. “Okay, fine, let’s go.”
Tao is burning stuff again. Jia walks up to the pile and, ignoring Zhou Mi’s eye roll, picks up a shirt and walks over to the fire that she’s not entirely sure Tao can legally be burning on the roof of his apartment building, but he hasn’t gotten caught yet. She moves to drop the shirt on the fire, but Tao clamps onto her wrist.
“Not that one!” He shakes it out and smoothes the fabric lovingly as Jia’s eyebrow arches involuntarily. “I like this one.”
“Does it smell like him?” Jia deadpans. Tao’s lip curls.
“Does it smell like him?” he mimics. “No. I asked you for help, okay, not your sarcasm. I look really good in this shirt.”
Jia holds her hands up in surrender. “Whatever.”
Tao takes his current shirt off and replaces it with the rescued one. Jia has the distinct impression that he does so to simultaneously flash her and Zhou Mi with his abs and also to display his deep sorrow. But, well, he’s right. He does look good in the shirt.
“Remind me what the point of this is?” Zhou Mi asks. He drops a pair of light-wash jeans onto the pile and Jia thinks, good riddance.
“Fire symbolizes rebirth,” Tao informs him as an unfortunately patterned jersey catches flame. “And to cleanse oneself of past pain, one must put to death all objects of that past to move freely into that new life.”
“You know Jongdae makes that stuff up just to screw with you, right?” Zhou Mi says.
Jia holds up a sweatshirt. “You’d move a lot more freely into that new life if you just anonymously sold all this stuff to his fans.”
Tao and Jia stare at each other for a moment. Then Tao lets out a stream of expletives, and starts gathering the remaining clothing into his arms. Jia grabs the rest and they head for the stairs.
“Where are you going?” Zhou Mi calls after them.
“We’re going to go pose as Kris stalkers and make a shitload of money!” Jia yells back.
Tao starts laughing as they rush into the stairwell. “Man, you’re right, this is going to be way better than burning stuff. It’s too bad about the rest.”
Jia thinks about the acid-wash jeans curling into ashes and shakes her head. “It’s really not.”
Tao has been distraught for months, now, sinking into a dark mood anytime someone says a word that so much as rhymes with “Kris.” Burning stuff was the first phase, followed by selling stuff. (The fans pretty quickly realized who was selling it, but they were so excited to have stuff Wu Yifan had actually touched/sweated in/etc that they didn’t mind. Jia tries not to think about it too much.) This, then, was followed by the expensive car phase.
“I like the expensive car phase,” Jackson says as Jia explains Tao’s depression one day while they wait in a dressing room for their concert rehearsals. “The expensive car phase is really fun.”
“It’s not fun if he’s wallowing in pain and darkness,” Jia points out. Fei comes into the dressing room then. She apparently caught the end of Jia’s sentence, because one of her eyebrows lifts into a high arch.
“Are you talking about Tao again?” she demands. Jia nods while Jackson looks between the two of them, worried. “Oh my god,” Fei cries out. “They weren’t even dating!”
“Wait, dating?” Jackson asks.
Jia ignores him. “You can’t downplay his very real hurt just because it doesn’t meet some standard you have set up-”
“I used to date Kris and do you see me crying? No!” Fei’s eyes get wide to punctuate her point.
“Wait-you, dating?” Jackson asks.
“Tao’s relationship with him was much more emotionally involved than your relationship with him, and-”
“Tao doesn’t need you to baby him, okay, Zhou Mi is right and you completely do enable his immaturity-”
“Who all did Kris date?” Jackson yells.
Fei rolls her eyes and puts her hands on her hips as she tilts her head in Jackson’s direction. “You want a list?”
“Yes,” Jackson says.
Fei ignores him and turns back to Jia. “The point is, whenever you indulge him, you only make things worse. If he’s going to get over it-”
“Heal from it!” Jia interrupts.
Fei holds out a hand. “Whatever. You can’t keep coddling him!” Fei turns on her heel and stalks out of the dressing room.
Jackson and Jia sit silently for a moment. “Yeah, why do you put up with him?” Jackson asks. “I just say, hey man, you’re being dramatic and he snaps right out of it.”
Jia shrugs. “He’s like a younger, male manifestation of myself. Or, I don’t know, my pet cat. I have to take care of him, or no one else will.”
Jackson blinks at her, his brow furrowing just slightly. “Is all of China-Line this screwy, or just you?”
“No one’s screwy! I just happen to be the only one who cares for Tao’s emotional health.”
Three days later Zhou Mi attempts to hold an intervention after Tao enters his “Fanfiction Phase.” They only know about it because Suho called Zhou Mi, whispering into the phone and asking sheepishly for help, then sending a video of Tao typing away furiously at a keyboard. Somehow Suho managed to surreptitiously find and send them the links. Tao has written eight Korean fanfics, fifteen Chinese ones, and one incomprehensible English one which Tao had apparently produced by running one of his Chinese stories through Google Translate and not even glancing at the result. All of the stories feature Kris dying at the end in increasingly creative ways.
“We have to hold an intervention now,” Zhou Mi announces to Fei and Jia the same night he gets the call for help.
Fei shrugs. “I dunno, this one is pretty good. It’s called ‘Five years of LIES’ and Kris gets a mysterious illness and calls everyone he’s ever hurt, and then after apologizing they discover that he actually has a parasite in his intestines and-well, the rest is really gross, but Tao has a really nice grasp of descriptive language.”
“Yeah, I like this one,” Jia says. “I think it’s his Korean version of that one, actually, but it’s just called ‘LIES’ and I don’t think he knows the word for parasite because this one has Kris dying from an octopus living in his stomach.”
“Yes. INTERVENTION. Now!” Zhou Mi cries.
Jia tries not to pout. “But he promised to update ‘Beautiful Face, UGLY SOUL’ tomorrow.”
Zhou Mi gapes, then leaves the room, muttering under his breath.
Somehow the intervention, which Zhou Mi carefully scripted beforehand, ends up with Tao stretched out across Zhou Mi’s couch, his head in Jia’s lap while she listens to him vent his woes. Tao is wearing Kris’s shirt, again, and Zhou Mi keeps gesturing to Jia to bring it up, but she just ignores him and carefully smoothes down Tao’s hair.
Not trusting Jia (to stick to her guns) or Fei (to stick around for the whole thing), Zhou Mi had called the rest of China-Line for backup. The twins showed up early with booze and are now watching the intervention spiral out of Zhou Mi’s hands with identical amused grins. Amber and Jackson are sitting on the other end of the room, Amber looking skeptical and Jackson trying every few minutes to stick his head in her lap, because as he said, “I want someone to indulge me, too.” Fei started filing her nails twenty minutes ago and now has pulled out a bottle of polish. Cao Lu mostly looks confused, as does Hyerim, and they have started edging their way toward the door. Tao’s bandmates all refused to come, except for Jongdae, who suddenly changed his mind when he found out Zhang Liyin would be there. Jongdae is now totally oblivious to any intervention that is not happening, far more concerned with chatting up Liyin. Victoria also refused to come, not even giving a reason, just laughing loudly when Zhou Mi called her.
Zhou Mi looks defeated. His normal bright smile is fading in the corners, held up only by sheer resolve.
“No one understands what I’m going through,” Tao sighs. Jia threads her fingers through his hair.
“I know, but you have to be strong,” she tells him. He nods solemnly.
“Stop it!” Zhou Mi yells. Tao’s lip curls in irritation, but he doesn’t open his eyes. “Everyone understands what you’re going through, Tao, oh my god, this has gone too far!” He rakes a hand back through his hair. “Stay positive, Zhou Mi, just stay positive,” he mutters. Jia feels bad for him. He takes way too much responsibility onto himself.
Tao opens his mouth to say something, but then Jackson pipes up.
“You know what you need?” Jackson says. He grins broadly at everyone, holding out the silence until Fei glares at him and gestures for him to continue. “Road trip!”
Tao’s eyes flick open. Zhou Mi stands in the middle of the room, speechless.
Jackson gestures to the TV. “Can I use this?”
Zhou Mi shrugs, and Jackson starts cueing something up. “I’ve been thinking about what Tao really needs in his life,” he says, “And I think the best thing would be to get away from all these schedules-get away from the routine of kpop-get away from everything that reminds him of the past-and start a TRAVEL SHOW!” Jackson turns back around at all of them and grins as a video starts playing. “China-Line Does China: A Travel Adventure. I have funding for it and everything!”
Cao Lu stops trying to sneakily exit the room and stands in the doorway, gaping. Even the twins seem intrigued, although they’re fairly intoxicated at this point. Jia looks over to see Fei’s eyebrow twitching upward.
“Is this real?” Fei asks.
Jackson grins and points his thumb at the television. “Just watch my pilot and you won’t be able to turn it down.”
They all turn to look at the television, Jackson humming along to the tune.
--------------
FADE IN.
A series of wide shots: The Great Wall, The Forbidden City, The Temple of Heaven, The Terracotta Warriors. Traditional Chinese music plays a soothing tune in the background.
TITLE SCREEN:
JACKSON WANG enters in front of the green screen still cycling through pictures of famous Chinese landmarks. He is wearing large-frame glasses and a bow tie.
JACKSON
Hello. I’m Jackson Wang. And this-is China.
A land of adventure, magnificent history, and awe-inspiring stories. Together, we will explore the great nation, the cradle of civilization, the true Middle Kingdom-if you’ll join me and my friends on this magnificent journey.
A movie soundtrack begins playing. Jackson starts running in place as the shots behind him speed up, so that he appears to be running through the famous landmarks of China. Occasionally a hand appears in the bottom of the frame, and several times Bambam’s head, Mark’s butt, and Yugyeom’s foot. Jackson stops running in place and the clips continue playing at full speed. Jackson spreads out his arms so that he appears to be flying through China.
JACKSON
So join me, every weekday, in a ten minute adventure through China. Just ten minutes to encounter one of the richest civilizations in history, all from the comfort of your laptop screen.
FADE OUT.
--------------
Everyone sits silently for a long moment.
Fei speaks up first. “You have funding for us all to go be travel vloggers?”
Jackson nods. “Yeah, I dunno. Kind of funny what people will go for when kpop’s next big variety star pitches it.” He winks at Fei after his last comment, and she just rolls her eyes.
But Tao has sat up at the edge of his seat, staring intently at the screen.
“This is what I need,” he says. “This is the answer I’ve been looking for! This is the light at the end of the tunnel!”
He looks around at the rest of them. Jia can see Zhou Mi shaking his head frantically in her peripheral vision, but then Tao turns wide, pitiful, cat-like eyes her way.
She sighs. “I’m in.”
Tao launches himself toward Jackson, grinning maniacally. “Road trip!” he cries.
“Road trip!” Jackson echoes. This goes on for a while.
Jia looks at Zhou Mi, who looks at Fei, who shrugs.
“Okay, fine,” Zhou Mi sighs. “China Line Does China, here we come.”
More whooping from Jackson and Tao until Jackson stops suddenly, his expression changing as a thought dawns on him.
“There’s kind of a problem with the name though,” he says.
“Sorry,” Zhou Mi amends. “China Line Does China: A Travel Adventure.”
Jackson shakes his head. “No, not that. The thing is-technically, if we bring Hyerim along too, she and I are really Hong Kong line.” His eyes dart around the room. “I mean, I’m not here to talk politics, or anything, but the two entertainment industries are pretty distinct, anyway, so maybe we should call it the China and Hong Kong Line.”
Zhou Mi closes his eyes, as though he can see his future spread out in front of him and he is not terribly fond of what comes next. “China and Hong Kong Line Does China is a little-long of a name, don’t you think?”
“Are we bringing Henry too?” Amber pipes up. “I guess technically me and Henry are ‘China Line’ but we know we’re pretty damn Westernized.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” Jackson says. He pulls a pen out of his pocket and starts taking notes on his hand. “We need to work on the name.”
Fei gets up and finds a pad of paper on one of Zhou Mi’s end tables and slides it into Jackson’s hand. “What kind of name change are you thinking, Amber?” she asks, like she’s trying to take control of the situation before it gets completely out of hand. Jia can see it starting to spiral.
“Just something like, I dunno-China, Hong Kong, and the greater Chinese diaspora Line.”
Fei blinks a few times, one of her eyebrows threatening to raise into a high arch before she smooths out her expression and smiles. “China, Hong Kong, and the greater Chinese diaspora Line Does China: A Travel Adventure.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jackson says.
Hyerim raises her hand. “I’m Korean, and so is Jongdae-Jongdae?” Hyerim turns around to look at him. Jongdae is nowhere to be found, and neither is Zhang Liyin. Hyerim turns back around. “Anyway, you could add something like ‘anyone immersed in Chinese culture.’”
Fei is really doing an admirable job of keeping her facial expression blank. “So, you all want to call this show,” she closes her eyes briefly, “China, Hong Kong, Chinese diaspora, and immersed in Chinese culture Line Does China: A Travel Adventure?”
“It seems very-accurate,” Jia says as she watches Jackson scribble furiously across the pad of paper. His expression changes again and he jumps up gleefully.
“Hey, let’s make it an acronym!” he cries. “I think we can do it, in English.”
He holds up the pad of paper so they can all see what he’s writing. He writes CHINA across it. Below the C he writes China again, then below the H, Hong Kong. He pauses at the I.
“Uh, we’ll have to smash these two together,” he explains. He erases the capital N and replaces it with a lowercase n next to the I, below which he fills in International Diaspora. Then he pauses, tapping the marker against his chin, and finally writes below the A, And etc.
He turns to the group, grinning. “It’s C.H.In.A Line!”
“C.H.In.A Line,” Fei repeats.
Jia surveys Jackson’s hard work and shrugs. “It looks like your average Kpop group name, so it should work.”
“C.H.In.A Line Does China: A Travel Adventure.” Tao looks at them all his eyes gleaming. “This is perfect. This is our chance to escape and cleanse ourselves of past pain.”
“You weren’t even dating him,” Fei sighs. “I was. You weren’t.” Tao looks at her.
“We should be allies, Fei, not enemies. Only we can truly understand the depth of pain the other has experienced at the hands of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
Fei just manages to resist rolling her eyes. “How long are you going to keep this pseudo-spiritual thing going?”
Tao closes his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t want to be here,” is the first thing Yixing says when all of C.H.In.A Line arrives at the airport for the launch of their show.
They gather in front of the terminal. Jackson and Zhou Mi stand off to one side with the camera crew, Jackson narrating in English and Zhou Mi in Mandarin, with switches to Korean and Cantonese occasionally. The rest of them stand around with their luggage, waiting to film their own introductions. They’d cut a few cast members along the way-well, more accurately, a few cast members had dropped out, but Jackson insisted that he’d fired them first.
“Why?” Jia asks.
Yixing frowns as Tao steps in front of the cameras to film his bit. “I think it’s dangerous. Do you know how much money and time has been invested in making sure Tao’s nude selfies don’t leak? This is only going to make his social media addiction worse. Next thing you know, he’s posting those selfies himself.”
Jia doesn’t really know what to do with that string of information. “I-I don’t think joining a travel show is going to make that happen.”
Yixing shakes his head. “It’s a slippery slope,” he says, his voice world-weary and wise with the weight of lived experience.
Tao finishes filming his bit and comes over to join them. “This is going to be great,” he announces. “Getting away from all this stress, flying off to-” He stops and looks at the schedule Jackson shoved into their hands when they arrived. “Wait, Hong Kong? Why are we going to Hong Kong first?”
“It’s Jackson’s show,” Jia shrugs. Tao goes off to find Jackson, and Jia gets pushed in front of the cameras.
--------------------
FADE IN.
INT. INCHEON AIRPORT - DAY
JIA (INTERVIEW)
Well, we’re headed to Hong Kong first, because Jackson wants to start on his “home turf.” I think he just wants to show off to his old friends.
JACKSON jumps into the shot, jostling Jia to the left-hand side of the frame and grinning widely at the camera.
JACKSON
Show off? Have I ever done such a thing?
Jackson flexes his bicep and winks at the camera. Jia rolls her eyes.
JIA
I thought we were doing this for Tao, not for you to have your own variety show.
JACKSON
What does Tao have to do with this?
They stare at each other for a moment. Jia raises her eyebrows and Jackson throws up his hands in confusion.
JIA
You know-emotional distress, getting away from everything that reminds him of-everyone.
JACKSON
OH, right. Tao, getting some time off, becoming emotionally stable. What’s that?
Jackson looks at someone off-screen and tilts his head to hear them better.
JACKSON
Did I say Tao was emotionally unstable? I totally did not mean that. Tao definitely is not suffering the emotional weight of a break-up with someone he wasn’t actually dating but no one will tell me the real story of who this person was actually dating and how I never knew about it-definitely not.
Jia sighs and covers her eyes, clearly giving up on the situation. Jackson flashes a peace sign at the camera.
MONTAGE: C.H.In.A Line departs for Hong Kong. Intercut scenes of boarding, sleeping on the plane, and landing.
INT. HONG KONG AIRPORT - DAY
C.H.In.A Line deplanes and enters the Hong Kong airport. TAO immediately speeds off toward a duty-free designer store with ZHOU MI.
FEI
Hello, Hong Kong! We’re finally here! Zhou Mi is too tall and I never want to sit next to him on a plane again.
Zhou Mi appears in the shot, grinning broadly.
FEI
Yes, I was just talking about you.
ZHOU MI
I don’t blame you. Did Tao come back?
FEI
No, why?
Zhou Mi and Fei look at each other for a moment, then start looking around. The camera pans around a busy airport, but Tao is nowhere in sight.
ZHOU MI (to the camera)
I think I just lost Tao.
Cut to:
C.H.In.A Line stands around in a circle in front of a map of the Hong Kong airport. Zhou Mi points to each terminal.
ZHOU MI
Okay, we need to split up and find him, fast. If he’s gone missing there’s a reason-
AMBER
He probably just saw a dog wander by or something. Chill.
JIA
Uh-maybe not?
She shows her cell phone to Zhou Mi, who blanches at whatever is on her screen, which Jia is carefully hiding from the cameras. Jia covers her microphone with her hand and whispers something to Zhou Mi, who nods solemnly.
JIA
Right, so this is code red. There are certain-people, currently in this airport, whom Tao might have a certain-reason, to track down and possibly create really awful news about him and-people. Do you guys understand me?
JACKSON
Not really, no.
JIA
People, Jackson. Tao and people. One particular person.
JACKSON
OH, you mean Kr-
Amber slaps her hand across Jackson’s mouth before he has a chance to finish. The camera swings to the left and Yixing is staring up at the ceiling. He sighs heavily.
Cut to:
YIXING (interview)
I did not endorse this show. Tao bribed me into doing it. He said C.H.In.A Line would be a good angle to endear ourselves to the public, but I knew everything was going to go downhill quickly. Honestly, it’s better if we just find Tao quickly and get on with everything. I wanted to do something meaningful with this show, like go show our hometowns and make a documentary or something, but no, we’ve got to track down-
JIA (off-camera)
Zhang Yixing! Don’t say it!
YIXING
This show was a terrible idea.
Cut to:
Jackson and Fei wander through the terminal. Jackson is excited, darting from place to place. Fei looks at the camera and rolls her eyes.
JACKSON
This show was a great idea! A break from work, an adventure-
FEI
You lost an EXO member ten minutes after we landed.
JACKSON
I didn’t lose him. He’s an adult. We’ll find him.
FEI
Next thing you know a bunch of EXO fans are trying to get us brought up on criminal charges for losing Tao, and we’re in jail for negligence-Wait, I mean (flashes a smile at the camera) EXO fans are the best!
JACKSON
Wow. Convincing.
FEI
Is that Tao?
Camera swings around for a shot of the airport crowd. In the distance, a blonde head rises above the sea of people.
JACKSON
No, I don’t think that’s-
The camera swings back around. Fei’s face has flushed red and she stares at the distant blonde head with her fists clenched. After a moment she takes a deep breath and smiles.
FEI
I need a drink.
Cut to:
C.H.In.A Line reconvenes outside an elevator. Jia pulls her phone away from her ear and shakes her head.
JIA
He’s not answering. Are you sure you saw-someone-here? In this airport?
Fei nods her head and rolls her eyes.
JIA
Damn it. I was hoping he’d left by now.
JACKSON
You can’t swear on my show! This is a family-friendly event.
Jia rolls her eyes over and opens her mouth to respond. Then the elevator doors ding, and slide open. Tao stands inside the elevator, and grins when he sees his cast mates assembled.
TAO
Oh, hey! I’ve been looking everywhere for you guys!
He holds up two arms laden with shopping bags.
TAO
Best vacation ever!
Looking very irritated, the rest of C.H.In.A Line shuffles into the elevator with the camera crew. Crammed in, Tao cannot ignore that everyone is glaring at him. The elevator starts going down.
JACKSON
Dude, we thought you were stalking-
The elevator doors ding again and open. Everyone inside turns to look. WU YIFAN stands outside of the elevator. A legion of fans stands behind him, their cameras flashing. No one moves or speaks. Wu Yifan’s manager, not paying attention, pushes him to get on. Wu Yifan stumbles into the elevator and the doors close behind him and his manager, who then looks up. His face goes pale.
The camera turns to capture Tao’s face. He has no expression. Jia stands next to him, her hand gripped around his arm.
AMBER (whispering in English)
This is awkward.
JACKSON (whispering in English)
What do we do?
WU YIFAN (whispering in English)
Hope this fucking elevator opens in the next ten seconds.
JACKSON (whispering in English)
Dude! Don’t swear on my show!
The camera turns back around to capture Tao. He now has his eyes closed. He opens them, and nods solemnly, then brushes Jia’s hand off his arm. He pushes his way through the crowd of people on the elevator, stands in front of Wu Yifan, and with a small smile, gives him a hug.
TAO
The past is the past. Let us move now into this new life. Go and do well, Wu Yifan.
With another solemn nod, Tao steps back to his place. Wu Yifan blinks, frozen in his spot. The elevator doors ding, and with an uncomfortable glance around the elevator, Wu Yifan gets off. His fans stand outside these elevator doors too, and start screaming when they see him.
FEI
Hey!
The camera swings back around. Fei’s face is flushed and she pushes her way out of the crowd.
FEI
I have some things to say to you, you miserable little fucking dickhead piece of shit-
Fei dashes off the elevator and the doors shut behind her before anyone can react. The elevator starts moving down.
JIA
Shit.
JACKSON
Would you STOP SWEARING ON MY SHOW?
FADE OUT.
--------------------
A week later, back in Seoul, Jia, Fei, and Jackson are called to a meeting at JYPE. Jia has a feeling it’s going to be bad, but she didn’t expect half the upper level staff, the CEO, and Park Jinyoung to be there. The three of them sit sheepishly at one of the tables. A nervous staff member clears his throat and presses play on a video, and the fancam Jia has gotten entirely too familiar with starts playing.
It’s fifteen minutes of Fei yelling at Wu Yifan for all the things he did wrong while they were dating, including a number of interesting things she’d never mentioned to Jia. The first five minutes are just Fei’s warm-up, a long list of “everything he did wrong,” followed by more detailed support for her anger. At least two full minutes are devoted to her detailing his lackluster efforts in the bedroom, with a full minute response from him. While this plays Jackson puts his head on the table, covering his ears and muttering, “Why did I ever want to know?” Three minutes are devoted to her explicating Wu Yifan’s “personality deficiencies.”
One of the Chinese-speaking staff members turns to Fei towards the end of this section and says, “You have quite a way with words.”
“Thank you,” Fei sniffs.
The following two minutes are Wu Yifan’s response to Fei’s “personality deficiencies,” a fairly impressive effort to rally in the face of Fei’s rage. This then is followed by Fei going fully into depth about the major points of Wu Yifan’s failings in their relationships, including “not bothering to tell me before you left Korea for good,” at which point the video ends. Everyone sits in silence for a moment.
“Fei,” Park Jinyoung says calmly. “I can understand the personal outrage here but-well, you revealed 83 industry secrets in this 15 minute video.”
Fei looks up. “You counted?”
He sighs. “No. SM sent over an itemized list.”
More silence.
The CEO sighs. “What’s the status of this right now?”
The same nervous staff member coughs and picks up a piece of paper. “Right now the EXO fans can’t decide if they’re on Fei’s side or not. On the one hand, they feel betrayed by Wu Yifan leaving. On the other hand, knowing that an EXO member was dating is kind of earth-shattering to them. On the other other hand, Fei gave them a kind of catharsis. On the other other other hand, Fei is Chinese, too, so they can’t decide what to do. And this is just the Korean fans.”
Jackson raises his hand. Everyone turns to look at him, and he smiles awkwardly.
“Yes, Jackson?” Park Jinyoung sighs.
“So, I’m just wondering-I know this is a really big disaster and all but-does this mean my show isn’t going to air?”
Park Jinyoung covers his face with his hands.
When the meeting ends a full five hours later, Jia, Jackson, and Fei go to their favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant to try to recoup.
Fei sighs. “Jackson,” she says, staring at her bowl of noodles.
Jackson looks up.
“Never, ever, ever get ideas. Ever. Ever again.”
Jackson holds up his hands in self-defense. “Hey, I’m not responsible for your dating choices, okay?”
Fei gives him a look and as they start bickering, Jia’s phone buzzes. She picks it up and opens a text message from Tao.
That was the best getaway ever! When do we film the next episode?
Epilogue: Tao’s one English fan fiction, translated from his Chinese original by Tao himself using only Google Translate
The devil is beautiful, but still DEVIL
By exoisbest10
Author's Note: I do not speak English, but I think I can speak English fans let me share this with Google Translate, I hope this makes sense Thanks
Once upon a time, a very tall young man came to the beautiful Seoul concert music, learning to dance, to join a team of other awesome young people so that they can sing along, and awesome to pursue their dreams. But really this dream is a lie. The tall young man, who we will call "Chris," In fact, do not care about anyone but has his heart should be a hole.
But he made a friend, who does not know any better, but I think who pretend to be his friend, he let the young people feel that there is an eternal friendship. Another lie. The Chris keep lying, when they become famous, looking super cool to fly around the world lying together evenly.
One day, our hero who we call "Tao" decision, he must ensure that the Chris I know how great he is awesome up. So Tao went and told him: "Hey, you Chris is great, awesome, I love you." Please note that our hero, then how sincere and heartfelt.
The Chris said: "Oh Tao Thank you, I feel insecure, your words make me feel better, I'm glad we're friends.".
But of course, these are more lies Tao was found one day when Chris revealed that he is the devil! His eyes turned red and he flew away giggling, he said, you will not see me again! We never friends! I never loved you!
Of course, this is very sad Tao.
But! One day, years later, when Tao is an action movie star, wearing super-cool clothes, expensive cars when he was 10 a drive around, Chris to call him, said: "Tao I'm sorry, but I Tomorrow is going to die, I want to tell you only once, I can lie, because I was so insecure, I do not know how to do! "
And because Tao is a really great guy, he was in his private jet to fly Chris lying on his deathbed, he asked the doctor, "There's nothing we can do to save him?"
The doctor said, "Oh, no, no, you see an octopus living in his belly."
So Tao Chris sat together and held his head and Chris begged his forgiveness, then broke out his stomach octopus AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
End.
Poll
Team: Canon/AR
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 5712 words
Fandom: EXO, China-line; ensemble
Pairing: gen, mostly, except for running jokes and past relationships
Warnings: It’s a crack fic, like a sitcom set in a canon ‘verse. Everyone is the butt of some kind of joke. Nothing is meant to offend. Also, uh, warning for Kris and the Krisis?
Summary: Tao can’t get over Kris, and it’s up to the rest of China Line-or, well, C.H.In.A Line-to help him.
Author's Note: ***This was written long before any of the recent Tao news***
Also, dear readers, please remember that we are Team Canon/AR.
Agent Porcupine, you enabled this. J.D Vector Slice, Biscuit 007, & Agent A, you encouraged this. Extra thanks to Biscuit 007 for reading over this at the last second. Team Spy, after this mission I must promptly disappear and you will have to take responsibility for whatever havoc this crackfic wreaks. Good luck.
Prompt Used: Troy - Green Light
All Tao said over the phone was “I need your help with something.” Then he hung up, leaving Jia staring at his name on the screen until it went black.
“He sounded pretty upset,” Jia says to Zhou Mi. Zhou Mi sips on his coffee, his ankle resting on his knee as he tries very hard to make his model-in-a-coffee-shop pose seem natural, and his expression remains blank.
“And?”
“And maybe we should go help him?” Jia taps her fingers against the edge of her phone and gives Zhou Mi a look, trying to glare her way to convincing him that this situation is a lot more serious than he’s willing to admit.
“You know he’s an adult, right?” Zhou Mi pries the phone from Jia’s hand and pockets it. “Sometimes little birds have to learn to fly all on their own.”
Jia has a pretty good idea of what happens when Tao gets to “fly all on his own.”
“What if he’s burning stuff again?” she asks.
Zhou Mi groans. “Okay, fine, let’s go.”
Tao is burning stuff again. Jia walks up to the pile and, ignoring Zhou Mi’s eye roll, picks up a shirt and walks over to the fire that she’s not entirely sure Tao can legally be burning on the roof of his apartment building, but he hasn’t gotten caught yet. She moves to drop the shirt on the fire, but Tao clamps onto her wrist.
“Not that one!” He shakes it out and smoothes the fabric lovingly as Jia’s eyebrow arches involuntarily. “I like this one.”
“Does it smell like him?” Jia deadpans. Tao’s lip curls.
“Does it smell like him?” he mimics. “No. I asked you for help, okay, not your sarcasm. I look really good in this shirt.”
Jia holds her hands up in surrender. “Whatever.”
Tao takes his current shirt off and replaces it with the rescued one. Jia has the distinct impression that he does so to simultaneously flash her and Zhou Mi with his abs and also to display his deep sorrow. But, well, he’s right. He does look good in the shirt.
“Remind me what the point of this is?” Zhou Mi asks. He drops a pair of light-wash jeans onto the pile and Jia thinks, good riddance.
“Fire symbolizes rebirth,” Tao informs him as an unfortunately patterned jersey catches flame. “And to cleanse oneself of past pain, one must put to death all objects of that past to move freely into that new life.”
“You know Jongdae makes that stuff up just to screw with you, right?” Zhou Mi says.
Jia holds up a sweatshirt. “You’d move a lot more freely into that new life if you just anonymously sold all this stuff to his fans.”
Tao and Jia stare at each other for a moment. Then Tao lets out a stream of expletives, and starts gathering the remaining clothing into his arms. Jia grabs the rest and they head for the stairs.
“Where are you going?” Zhou Mi calls after them.
“We’re going to go pose as Kris stalkers and make a shitload of money!” Jia yells back.
Tao starts laughing as they rush into the stairwell. “Man, you’re right, this is going to be way better than burning stuff. It’s too bad about the rest.”
Jia thinks about the acid-wash jeans curling into ashes and shakes her head. “It’s really not.”
Tao has been distraught for months, now, sinking into a dark mood anytime someone says a word that so much as rhymes with “Kris.” Burning stuff was the first phase, followed by selling stuff. (The fans pretty quickly realized who was selling it, but they were so excited to have stuff Wu Yifan had actually touched/sweated in/etc that they didn’t mind. Jia tries not to think about it too much.) This, then, was followed by the expensive car phase.
“I like the expensive car phase,” Jackson says as Jia explains Tao’s depression one day while they wait in a dressing room for their concert rehearsals. “The expensive car phase is really fun.”
“It’s not fun if he’s wallowing in pain and darkness,” Jia points out. Fei comes into the dressing room then. She apparently caught the end of Jia’s sentence, because one of her eyebrows lifts into a high arch.
“Are you talking about Tao again?” she demands. Jia nods while Jackson looks between the two of them, worried. “Oh my god,” Fei cries out. “They weren’t even dating!”
“Wait, dating?” Jackson asks.
Jia ignores him. “You can’t downplay his very real hurt just because it doesn’t meet some standard you have set up-”
“I used to date Kris and do you see me crying? No!” Fei’s eyes get wide to punctuate her point.
“Wait-you, dating?” Jackson asks.
“Tao’s relationship with him was much more emotionally involved than your relationship with him, and-”
“Tao doesn’t need you to baby him, okay, Zhou Mi is right and you completely do enable his immaturity-”
“Who all did Kris date?” Jackson yells.
Fei rolls her eyes and puts her hands on her hips as she tilts her head in Jackson’s direction. “You want a list?”
“Yes,” Jackson says.
Fei ignores him and turns back to Jia. “The point is, whenever you indulge him, you only make things worse. If he’s going to get over it-”
“Heal from it!” Jia interrupts.
Fei holds out a hand. “Whatever. You can’t keep coddling him!” Fei turns on her heel and stalks out of the dressing room.
Jackson and Jia sit silently for a moment. “Yeah, why do you put up with him?” Jackson asks. “I just say, hey man, you’re being dramatic and he snaps right out of it.”
Jia shrugs. “He’s like a younger, male manifestation of myself. Or, I don’t know, my pet cat. I have to take care of him, or no one else will.”
Jackson blinks at her, his brow furrowing just slightly. “Is all of China-Line this screwy, or just you?”
“No one’s screwy! I just happen to be the only one who cares for Tao’s emotional health.”
Three days later Zhou Mi attempts to hold an intervention after Tao enters his “Fanfiction Phase.” They only know about it because Suho called Zhou Mi, whispering into the phone and asking sheepishly for help, then sending a video of Tao typing away furiously at a keyboard. Somehow Suho managed to surreptitiously find and send them the links. Tao has written eight Korean fanfics, fifteen Chinese ones, and one incomprehensible English one which Tao had apparently produced by running one of his Chinese stories through Google Translate and not even glancing at the result. All of the stories feature Kris dying at the end in increasingly creative ways.
“We have to hold an intervention now,” Zhou Mi announces to Fei and Jia the same night he gets the call for help.
Fei shrugs. “I dunno, this one is pretty good. It’s called ‘Five years of LIES’ and Kris gets a mysterious illness and calls everyone he’s ever hurt, and then after apologizing they discover that he actually has a parasite in his intestines and-well, the rest is really gross, but Tao has a really nice grasp of descriptive language.”
“Yeah, I like this one,” Jia says. “I think it’s his Korean version of that one, actually, but it’s just called ‘LIES’ and I don’t think he knows the word for parasite because this one has Kris dying from an octopus living in his stomach.”
“Yes. INTERVENTION. Now!” Zhou Mi cries.
Jia tries not to pout. “But he promised to update ‘Beautiful Face, UGLY SOUL’ tomorrow.”
Zhou Mi gapes, then leaves the room, muttering under his breath.
Somehow the intervention, which Zhou Mi carefully scripted beforehand, ends up with Tao stretched out across Zhou Mi’s couch, his head in Jia’s lap while she listens to him vent his woes. Tao is wearing Kris’s shirt, again, and Zhou Mi keeps gesturing to Jia to bring it up, but she just ignores him and carefully smoothes down Tao’s hair.
Not trusting Jia (to stick to her guns) or Fei (to stick around for the whole thing), Zhou Mi had called the rest of China-Line for backup. The twins showed up early with booze and are now watching the intervention spiral out of Zhou Mi’s hands with identical amused grins. Amber and Jackson are sitting on the other end of the room, Amber looking skeptical and Jackson trying every few minutes to stick his head in her lap, because as he said, “I want someone to indulge me, too.” Fei started filing her nails twenty minutes ago and now has pulled out a bottle of polish. Cao Lu mostly looks confused, as does Hyerim, and they have started edging their way toward the door. Tao’s bandmates all refused to come, except for Jongdae, who suddenly changed his mind when he found out Zhang Liyin would be there. Jongdae is now totally oblivious to any intervention that is not happening, far more concerned with chatting up Liyin. Victoria also refused to come, not even giving a reason, just laughing loudly when Zhou Mi called her.
Zhou Mi looks defeated. His normal bright smile is fading in the corners, held up only by sheer resolve.
“No one understands what I’m going through,” Tao sighs. Jia threads her fingers through his hair.
“I know, but you have to be strong,” she tells him. He nods solemnly.
“Stop it!” Zhou Mi yells. Tao’s lip curls in irritation, but he doesn’t open his eyes. “Everyone understands what you’re going through, Tao, oh my god, this has gone too far!” He rakes a hand back through his hair. “Stay positive, Zhou Mi, just stay positive,” he mutters. Jia feels bad for him. He takes way too much responsibility onto himself.
Tao opens his mouth to say something, but then Jackson pipes up.
“You know what you need?” Jackson says. He grins broadly at everyone, holding out the silence until Fei glares at him and gestures for him to continue. “Road trip!”
Tao’s eyes flick open. Zhou Mi stands in the middle of the room, speechless.
Jackson gestures to the TV. “Can I use this?”
Zhou Mi shrugs, and Jackson starts cueing something up. “I’ve been thinking about what Tao really needs in his life,” he says, “And I think the best thing would be to get away from all these schedules-get away from the routine of kpop-get away from everything that reminds him of the past-and start a TRAVEL SHOW!” Jackson turns back around at all of them and grins as a video starts playing. “China-Line Does China: A Travel Adventure. I have funding for it and everything!”
Cao Lu stops trying to sneakily exit the room and stands in the doorway, gaping. Even the twins seem intrigued, although they’re fairly intoxicated at this point. Jia looks over to see Fei’s eyebrow twitching upward.
“Is this real?” Fei asks.
Jackson grins and points his thumb at the television. “Just watch my pilot and you won’t be able to turn it down.”
They all turn to look at the television, Jackson humming along to the tune.
--------------
FADE IN.
A series of wide shots: The Great Wall, The Forbidden City, The Temple of Heaven, The Terracotta Warriors. Traditional Chinese music plays a soothing tune in the background.
TITLE SCREEN:
JACKSON WANG enters in front of the green screen still cycling through pictures of famous Chinese landmarks. He is wearing large-frame glasses and a bow tie.
JACKSON
Hello. I’m Jackson Wang. And this-is China.
A land of adventure, magnificent history, and awe-inspiring stories. Together, we will explore the great nation, the cradle of civilization, the true Middle Kingdom-if you’ll join me and my friends on this magnificent journey.
A movie soundtrack begins playing. Jackson starts running in place as the shots behind him speed up, so that he appears to be running through the famous landmarks of China. Occasionally a hand appears in the bottom of the frame, and several times Bambam’s head, Mark’s butt, and Yugyeom’s foot. Jackson stops running in place and the clips continue playing at full speed. Jackson spreads out his arms so that he appears to be flying through China.
JACKSON
So join me, every weekday, in a ten minute adventure through China. Just ten minutes to encounter one of the richest civilizations in history, all from the comfort of your laptop screen.
FADE OUT.
--------------
Everyone sits silently for a long moment.
Fei speaks up first. “You have funding for us all to go be travel vloggers?”
Jackson nods. “Yeah, I dunno. Kind of funny what people will go for when kpop’s next big variety star pitches it.” He winks at Fei after his last comment, and she just rolls her eyes.
But Tao has sat up at the edge of his seat, staring intently at the screen.
“This is what I need,” he says. “This is the answer I’ve been looking for! This is the light at the end of the tunnel!”
He looks around at the rest of them. Jia can see Zhou Mi shaking his head frantically in her peripheral vision, but then Tao turns wide, pitiful, cat-like eyes her way.
She sighs. “I’m in.”
Tao launches himself toward Jackson, grinning maniacally. “Road trip!” he cries.
“Road trip!” Jackson echoes. This goes on for a while.
Jia looks at Zhou Mi, who looks at Fei, who shrugs.
“Okay, fine,” Zhou Mi sighs. “China Line Does China, here we come.”
More whooping from Jackson and Tao until Jackson stops suddenly, his expression changing as a thought dawns on him.
“There’s kind of a problem with the name though,” he says.
“Sorry,” Zhou Mi amends. “China Line Does China: A Travel Adventure.”
Jackson shakes his head. “No, not that. The thing is-technically, if we bring Hyerim along too, she and I are really Hong Kong line.” His eyes dart around the room. “I mean, I’m not here to talk politics, or anything, but the two entertainment industries are pretty distinct, anyway, so maybe we should call it the China and Hong Kong Line.”
Zhou Mi closes his eyes, as though he can see his future spread out in front of him and he is not terribly fond of what comes next. “China and Hong Kong Line Does China is a little-long of a name, don’t you think?”
“Are we bringing Henry too?” Amber pipes up. “I guess technically me and Henry are ‘China Line’ but we know we’re pretty damn Westernized.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” Jackson says. He pulls a pen out of his pocket and starts taking notes on his hand. “We need to work on the name.”
Fei gets up and finds a pad of paper on one of Zhou Mi’s end tables and slides it into Jackson’s hand. “What kind of name change are you thinking, Amber?” she asks, like she’s trying to take control of the situation before it gets completely out of hand. Jia can see it starting to spiral.
“Just something like, I dunno-China, Hong Kong, and the greater Chinese diaspora Line.”
Fei blinks a few times, one of her eyebrows threatening to raise into a high arch before she smooths out her expression and smiles. “China, Hong Kong, and the greater Chinese diaspora Line Does China: A Travel Adventure.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jackson says.
Hyerim raises her hand. “I’m Korean, and so is Jongdae-Jongdae?” Hyerim turns around to look at him. Jongdae is nowhere to be found, and neither is Zhang Liyin. Hyerim turns back around. “Anyway, you could add something like ‘anyone immersed in Chinese culture.’”
Fei is really doing an admirable job of keeping her facial expression blank. “So, you all want to call this show,” she closes her eyes briefly, “China, Hong Kong, Chinese diaspora, and immersed in Chinese culture Line Does China: A Travel Adventure?”
“It seems very-accurate,” Jia says as she watches Jackson scribble furiously across the pad of paper. His expression changes again and he jumps up gleefully.
“Hey, let’s make it an acronym!” he cries. “I think we can do it, in English.”
He holds up the pad of paper so they can all see what he’s writing. He writes CHINA across it. Below the C he writes China again, then below the H, Hong Kong. He pauses at the I.
“Uh, we’ll have to smash these two together,” he explains. He erases the capital N and replaces it with a lowercase n next to the I, below which he fills in International Diaspora. Then he pauses, tapping the marker against his chin, and finally writes below the A, And etc.
He turns to the group, grinning. “It’s C.H.In.A Line!”
“C.H.In.A Line,” Fei repeats.
Jia surveys Jackson’s hard work and shrugs. “It looks like your average Kpop group name, so it should work.”
“C.H.In.A Line Does China: A Travel Adventure.” Tao looks at them all his eyes gleaming. “This is perfect. This is our chance to escape and cleanse ourselves of past pain.”
“You weren’t even dating him,” Fei sighs. “I was. You weren’t.” Tao looks at her.
“We should be allies, Fei, not enemies. Only we can truly understand the depth of pain the other has experienced at the hands of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”
Fei just manages to resist rolling her eyes. “How long are you going to keep this pseudo-spiritual thing going?”
Tao closes his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t want to be here,” is the first thing Yixing says when all of C.H.In.A Line arrives at the airport for the launch of their show.
They gather in front of the terminal. Jackson and Zhou Mi stand off to one side with the camera crew, Jackson narrating in English and Zhou Mi in Mandarin, with switches to Korean and Cantonese occasionally. The rest of them stand around with their luggage, waiting to film their own introductions. They’d cut a few cast members along the way-well, more accurately, a few cast members had dropped out, but Jackson insisted that he’d fired them first.
“Why?” Jia asks.
Yixing frowns as Tao steps in front of the cameras to film his bit. “I think it’s dangerous. Do you know how much money and time has been invested in making sure Tao’s nude selfies don’t leak? This is only going to make his social media addiction worse. Next thing you know, he’s posting those selfies himself.”
Jia doesn’t really know what to do with that string of information. “I-I don’t think joining a travel show is going to make that happen.”
Yixing shakes his head. “It’s a slippery slope,” he says, his voice world-weary and wise with the weight of lived experience.
Tao finishes filming his bit and comes over to join them. “This is going to be great,” he announces. “Getting away from all this stress, flying off to-” He stops and looks at the schedule Jackson shoved into their hands when they arrived. “Wait, Hong Kong? Why are we going to Hong Kong first?”
“It’s Jackson’s show,” Jia shrugs. Tao goes off to find Jackson, and Jia gets pushed in front of the cameras.
--------------------
FADE IN.
INT. INCHEON AIRPORT - DAY
JIA (INTERVIEW)
Well, we’re headed to Hong Kong first, because Jackson wants to start on his “home turf.” I think he just wants to show off to his old friends.
JACKSON jumps into the shot, jostling Jia to the left-hand side of the frame and grinning widely at the camera.
JACKSON
Show off? Have I ever done such a thing?
Jackson flexes his bicep and winks at the camera. Jia rolls her eyes.
JIA
I thought we were doing this for Tao, not for you to have your own variety show.
JACKSON
What does Tao have to do with this?
They stare at each other for a moment. Jia raises her eyebrows and Jackson throws up his hands in confusion.
JIA
You know-emotional distress, getting away from everything that reminds him of-everyone.
JACKSON
OH, right. Tao, getting some time off, becoming emotionally stable. What’s that?
Jackson looks at someone off-screen and tilts his head to hear them better.
JACKSON
Did I say Tao was emotionally unstable? I totally did not mean that. Tao definitely is not suffering the emotional weight of a break-up with someone he wasn’t actually dating but no one will tell me the real story of who this person was actually dating and how I never knew about it-definitely not.
Jia sighs and covers her eyes, clearly giving up on the situation. Jackson flashes a peace sign at the camera.
MONTAGE: C.H.In.A Line departs for Hong Kong. Intercut scenes of boarding, sleeping on the plane, and landing.
INT. HONG KONG AIRPORT - DAY
C.H.In.A Line deplanes and enters the Hong Kong airport. TAO immediately speeds off toward a duty-free designer store with ZHOU MI.
FEI
Hello, Hong Kong! We’re finally here! Zhou Mi is too tall and I never want to sit next to him on a plane again.
Zhou Mi appears in the shot, grinning broadly.
FEI
Yes, I was just talking about you.
ZHOU MI
I don’t blame you. Did Tao come back?
FEI
No, why?
Zhou Mi and Fei look at each other for a moment, then start looking around. The camera pans around a busy airport, but Tao is nowhere in sight.
ZHOU MI (to the camera)
I think I just lost Tao.
Cut to:
C.H.In.A Line stands around in a circle in front of a map of the Hong Kong airport. Zhou Mi points to each terminal.
ZHOU MI
Okay, we need to split up and find him, fast. If he’s gone missing there’s a reason-
AMBER
He probably just saw a dog wander by or something. Chill.
JIA
Uh-maybe not?
She shows her cell phone to Zhou Mi, who blanches at whatever is on her screen, which Jia is carefully hiding from the cameras. Jia covers her microphone with her hand and whispers something to Zhou Mi, who nods solemnly.
JIA
Right, so this is code red. There are certain-people, currently in this airport, whom Tao might have a certain-reason, to track down and possibly create really awful news about him and-people. Do you guys understand me?
JACKSON
Not really, no.
JIA
People, Jackson. Tao and people. One particular person.
JACKSON
OH, you mean Kr-
Amber slaps her hand across Jackson’s mouth before he has a chance to finish. The camera swings to the left and Yixing is staring up at the ceiling. He sighs heavily.
Cut to:
YIXING (interview)
I did not endorse this show. Tao bribed me into doing it. He said C.H.In.A Line would be a good angle to endear ourselves to the public, but I knew everything was going to go downhill quickly. Honestly, it’s better if we just find Tao quickly and get on with everything. I wanted to do something meaningful with this show, like go show our hometowns and make a documentary or something, but no, we’ve got to track down-
JIA (off-camera)
Zhang Yixing! Don’t say it!
YIXING
This show was a terrible idea.
Cut to:
Jackson and Fei wander through the terminal. Jackson is excited, darting from place to place. Fei looks at the camera and rolls her eyes.
JACKSON
This show was a great idea! A break from work, an adventure-
FEI
You lost an EXO member ten minutes after we landed.
JACKSON
I didn’t lose him. He’s an adult. We’ll find him.
FEI
Next thing you know a bunch of EXO fans are trying to get us brought up on criminal charges for losing Tao, and we’re in jail for negligence-Wait, I mean (flashes a smile at the camera) EXO fans are the best!
JACKSON
Wow. Convincing.
FEI
Is that Tao?
Camera swings around for a shot of the airport crowd. In the distance, a blonde head rises above the sea of people.
JACKSON
No, I don’t think that’s-
The camera swings back around. Fei’s face has flushed red and she stares at the distant blonde head with her fists clenched. After a moment she takes a deep breath and smiles.
FEI
I need a drink.
Cut to:
C.H.In.A Line reconvenes outside an elevator. Jia pulls her phone away from her ear and shakes her head.
JIA
He’s not answering. Are you sure you saw-someone-here? In this airport?
Fei nods her head and rolls her eyes.
JIA
Damn it. I was hoping he’d left by now.
JACKSON
You can’t swear on my show! This is a family-friendly event.
Jia rolls her eyes over and opens her mouth to respond. Then the elevator doors ding, and slide open. Tao stands inside the elevator, and grins when he sees his cast mates assembled.
TAO
Oh, hey! I’ve been looking everywhere for you guys!
He holds up two arms laden with shopping bags.
TAO
Best vacation ever!
Looking very irritated, the rest of C.H.In.A Line shuffles into the elevator with the camera crew. Crammed in, Tao cannot ignore that everyone is glaring at him. The elevator starts going down.
JACKSON
Dude, we thought you were stalking-
The elevator doors ding again and open. Everyone inside turns to look. WU YIFAN stands outside of the elevator. A legion of fans stands behind him, their cameras flashing. No one moves or speaks. Wu Yifan’s manager, not paying attention, pushes him to get on. Wu Yifan stumbles into the elevator and the doors close behind him and his manager, who then looks up. His face goes pale.
The camera turns to capture Tao’s face. He has no expression. Jia stands next to him, her hand gripped around his arm.
AMBER (whispering in English)
This is awkward.
JACKSON (whispering in English)
What do we do?
WU YIFAN (whispering in English)
Hope this fucking elevator opens in the next ten seconds.
JACKSON (whispering in English)
Dude! Don’t swear on my show!
The camera turns back around to capture Tao. He now has his eyes closed. He opens them, and nods solemnly, then brushes Jia’s hand off his arm. He pushes his way through the crowd of people on the elevator, stands in front of Wu Yifan, and with a small smile, gives him a hug.
TAO
The past is the past. Let us move now into this new life. Go and do well, Wu Yifan.
With another solemn nod, Tao steps back to his place. Wu Yifan blinks, frozen in his spot. The elevator doors ding, and with an uncomfortable glance around the elevator, Wu Yifan gets off. His fans stand outside these elevator doors too, and start screaming when they see him.
FEI
Hey!
The camera swings back around. Fei’s face is flushed and she pushes her way out of the crowd.
FEI
I have some things to say to you, you miserable little fucking dickhead piece of shit-
Fei dashes off the elevator and the doors shut behind her before anyone can react. The elevator starts moving down.
JIA
Shit.
JACKSON
Would you STOP SWEARING ON MY SHOW?
FADE OUT.
--------------------
A week later, back in Seoul, Jia, Fei, and Jackson are called to a meeting at JYPE. Jia has a feeling it’s going to be bad, but she didn’t expect half the upper level staff, the CEO, and Park Jinyoung to be there. The three of them sit sheepishly at one of the tables. A nervous staff member clears his throat and presses play on a video, and the fancam Jia has gotten entirely too familiar with starts playing.
It’s fifteen minutes of Fei yelling at Wu Yifan for all the things he did wrong while they were dating, including a number of interesting things she’d never mentioned to Jia. The first five minutes are just Fei’s warm-up, a long list of “everything he did wrong,” followed by more detailed support for her anger. At least two full minutes are devoted to her detailing his lackluster efforts in the bedroom, with a full minute response from him. While this plays Jackson puts his head on the table, covering his ears and muttering, “Why did I ever want to know?” Three minutes are devoted to her explicating Wu Yifan’s “personality deficiencies.”
One of the Chinese-speaking staff members turns to Fei towards the end of this section and says, “You have quite a way with words.”
“Thank you,” Fei sniffs.
The following two minutes are Wu Yifan’s response to Fei’s “personality deficiencies,” a fairly impressive effort to rally in the face of Fei’s rage. This then is followed by Fei going fully into depth about the major points of Wu Yifan’s failings in their relationships, including “not bothering to tell me before you left Korea for good,” at which point the video ends. Everyone sits in silence for a moment.
“Fei,” Park Jinyoung says calmly. “I can understand the personal outrage here but-well, you revealed 83 industry secrets in this 15 minute video.”
Fei looks up. “You counted?”
He sighs. “No. SM sent over an itemized list.”
More silence.
The CEO sighs. “What’s the status of this right now?”
The same nervous staff member coughs and picks up a piece of paper. “Right now the EXO fans can’t decide if they’re on Fei’s side or not. On the one hand, they feel betrayed by Wu Yifan leaving. On the other hand, knowing that an EXO member was dating is kind of earth-shattering to them. On the other other hand, Fei gave them a kind of catharsis. On the other other other hand, Fei is Chinese, too, so they can’t decide what to do. And this is just the Korean fans.”
Jackson raises his hand. Everyone turns to look at him, and he smiles awkwardly.
“Yes, Jackson?” Park Jinyoung sighs.
“So, I’m just wondering-I know this is a really big disaster and all but-does this mean my show isn’t going to air?”
Park Jinyoung covers his face with his hands.
When the meeting ends a full five hours later, Jia, Jackson, and Fei go to their favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant to try to recoup.
Fei sighs. “Jackson,” she says, staring at her bowl of noodles.
Jackson looks up.
“Never, ever, ever get ideas. Ever. Ever again.”
Jackson holds up his hands in self-defense. “Hey, I’m not responsible for your dating choices, okay?”
Fei gives him a look and as they start bickering, Jia’s phone buzzes. She picks it up and opens a text message from Tao.
That was the best getaway ever! When do we film the next episode?
Epilogue: Tao’s one English fan fiction, translated from his Chinese original by Tao himself using only Google Translate
The devil is beautiful, but still DEVIL
By exoisbest10
Author's Note: I do not speak English, but I think I can speak English fans let me share this with Google Translate, I hope this makes sense Thanks
Once upon a time, a very tall young man came to the beautiful Seoul concert music, learning to dance, to join a team of other awesome young people so that they can sing along, and awesome to pursue their dreams. But really this dream is a lie. The tall young man, who we will call "Chris," In fact, do not care about anyone but has his heart should be a hole.
But he made a friend, who does not know any better, but I think who pretend to be his friend, he let the young people feel that there is an eternal friendship. Another lie. The Chris keep lying, when they become famous, looking super cool to fly around the world lying together evenly.
One day, our hero who we call "Tao" decision, he must ensure that the Chris I know how great he is awesome up. So Tao went and told him: "Hey, you Chris is great, awesome, I love you." Please note that our hero, then how sincere and heartfelt.
The Chris said: "Oh Tao Thank you, I feel insecure, your words make me feel better, I'm glad we're friends.".
But of course, these are more lies Tao was found one day when Chris revealed that he is the devil! His eyes turned red and he flew away giggling, he said, you will not see me again! We never friends! I never loved you!
Of course, this is very sad Tao.
But! One day, years later, when Tao is an action movie star, wearing super-cool clothes, expensive cars when he was 10 a drive around, Chris to call him, said: "Tao I'm sorry, but I Tomorrow is going to die, I want to tell you only once, I can lie, because I was so insecure, I do not know how to do! "
And because Tao is a really great guy, he was in his private jet to fly Chris lying on his deathbed, he asked the doctor, "There's nothing we can do to save him?"
The doctor said, "Oh, no, no, you see an octopus living in his belly."
So Tao Chris sat together and held his head and Chris begged his forgiveness, then broke out his stomach octopus AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
End.
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