Round 23: Stay, Like An Endless Promise (3/3)

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Yoona hears her own breathing as she takes whatever comfort the hard wooden floor gives her back. She has opted to stay behind to work on the steps over and over again, in order for them to burn in her muscles’ memory. For now, it’s the only way to forget about everything-Jessica’s “official” statement, the things coming out on the Internet, the whispers behind her back, and most of all, this queasy feeling in her stomach that refuses to go away. She knows what it is. She just refuses to give it a name for fear of it growing even more than necessary. She doesn’t need-doesn’t want-to deal with it.

She turns over to her side as though it will make the feeling in her stomach stop. The door to the practice room opens and someone steps inside. Yoona stands up, ready to defend herself if necessary. While she knows there are strict security measures before one can enter the building, it pays to be extra cautious these days. Especially with the situation they were in, and every news outlet and their mother was out to get them.

“Try anything and I can smash your head against the wall,” she says. Her hands are balled into fists and she’s taken on a fighting stance.

“Calm down, it’s just me. I’ve no intentions of hurting anyone,” Ryeowook’s soft voice says as he steps into her line of vision and Yoona relaxes her stance before she sits on the floor. “I saw the others go ahead, why are you still here?”

“Extra practice,” she replies, not bothering to get up even if he is her senior. The two of them get along well enough to do without these formalities in private. “What’s your excuse? Shouldn’t you be at Sukira though? Or at your dorm? Or the music room?”

“It’s been done hours ago. Besides, I left my earphones and a flash drive containing one of my compositions in one of the practice rooms. I can’t remember which practice room though, so I’ve been checking every room since then,” Ryeowook chuckles, pushing aside mountains of flash drives containing different songs. “Extra practice? Since when did you need it? Did you suddenly replace Tiffany as the worst dancer?”

Yoona feels the tears come out of her eyes. She hasn’t laughed this hard in weeks. There’s nothing particularly funny about that comment, and on some other day, she’d probably say “She’s improving!” Tonight, Yoona finds herself rolling on the floor, trying to rein in her laughter. She hasn’t had any reason to laugh like that in a long time, and she wonders when’s the next time she can laugh like that without getting judged.

“No, but I just needed room to breathe,” she says once her breathing is back to normal and she’s no longer reduced to a giggling fit. She looks over to where Ryeowook is making a mess out of the things on the stereo. “Found them? We can’t have Super Junior’s comeback single get compromised now, can we?” In response, Ryeowook holds up a giraffe-shaped flash disk and a long, purple string that Yoona can presume are his earphones.

Yoona just sighs as she rolls over to her side once again. She opens her mouth, but she forgets what she planned to say. She knows there’s something she has to say, but she isn’t sure how to express it. If she can’t talk, the very least she needs is someone to distract her from the chaos in her head. These flashbacks and decisions haunting her every waking hour of her life, and it doesn’t help that everyone she comes in contact with is a direct reminder of what happened-whether it was one of the other girls, their managers, and their labelmates. She settles for a groan as she struggles to find the words she wants to say. She doesn’t want to be left alone with her thoughts, but how does she tell him that without raising suspicion?

Ryeowook stops in his tracks as he looks at her. The excuse Yoona has come up with is forgotten as he puts down the tumbler she suddenly noticed he was holding in front of her. She can only watch as Ryeowook locks the door and dims the lights.

“Have some,” Ryeowook offers the cover of his tumbler to her. Yoona smells some green tea in it as she accepts the makeshift cup. “It was supposed to be for Henry, but looks like you need it more than he does.”

Yoona chuckles as she takes a sip. She lets the tea get into her system and she feels herself relaxing. She’s not sure whether it’s the warmth of the tea, or the thought of finally unloading some of the things burdening her mind that stops the butterflies in her stomach. The words come out before she can stop herself and she’s not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

“Can I trust you?”

Yoona has no idea who to talk to about all her feelings. She has considered talking to Seunggi about this, but he won’t understand. He’s an actor, not a member of a many-membered boy group. She doesn’t exactly want to bring this up at the next group meeting, as they’ll all probably just fight again. If there is anyone who might understand how she feels, it is most likely anyone from Super Junior. One member filed a lawsuit against their company, while the other just quietly left the group to do his own thing. Maybe, Ryeowook just might be that person she’s been looking for.

“I didn’t keep the friends I have by judging them or selling them out, so I don’t intend to start now. Especially not someone important to me,” Ryeowook says, filling the cup before returning it to her.

Of course. Ryeowook wasn’t as loud as some of the other members, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t treacherous. Then again, Ryeowook has always treated everyone well-especially the rookies. Although they are friends, they never exactly had a heart-to-heart conversation. They both have other people to talk to about these things. She’s always wanted to change that, since how can they call themselves friends if they can’t even trust each other? She lets out the breath she hasn’t realized she’s been holding in as she takes that leap of faith.

“Do people stop being sisters once one of them goes away for good?”

Ryeowook momentarily freezes at her words. Everyone’s been dying to know what they really think-face it, who the hell believes what comes out of their CEO’s mouth these days? Yoona’s rebuffed both Heechul’s and Leeteuk’s attempts to get her to talk about the incident, and she can barely look at Krystal whenever they run into each other in the building. She’s almost sure that the reason the trainees who used to approach her have been running away from her these days is because they’re both mystified and horrified with what happened. And now she’s about to give Ryeowook a glimpse of what’s been going on behind the scenes. He may show a naive persona on stage, but both of them know that Ryeowook’s not stupid-he knows where she’s coming from with this line of thought.

“You can still leave if you don’t want to hear anything about it,” Yoona sighs, wondering if she’s scared him off.

Ryeowook shakes his head. “No, you need someone to listen, and I’m willing to be that person… If you’ll let me?”

Yoona makes a sound that she thinks is a mix of a laugh and a sigh. Of course everyone is willing to listen to what she has to say, especially with an issue as juicy as this. It’s excellent gossip fodder. But there’s just something about Ryeowook that convinces Yoona that he’s willing to hear her out and not make any judgments. She isn’t sure if it’s that patient smile, the cup of tea he just poured for her, or his contemplative eyes that convince her to unload everything she has been feeling for the last few months.

“It’s been months since we forced Jessica out of the group, but why can’t we all seem to leave it in the past? Why do I feel like she’s still out to get us for something she asked for in the first place?” Yoona rambles, not caring if she’s making any sense. “I mean, she said she wanted her life back and she has so many plans outside the group. Besides, she kept promoting those sunglasses without thinking about the rest of us. And most of all, why do I even still care what she’s up to or what she’s doing? ”

Besides nodding, Ryeowook says nothing. Yoona takes it as a sign to continue. “I mean, she’s gone. She’s no longer one of us, as far as management is concerned. The others have learned to live with it, I’m learning to live with it too, so why can’t fans leave us alone about it, saying they want her back? As far as I’m concerned, SNSD is now an eight-member girl group. We’ll still be as strong as ever, without her, right?”

The feeling in her chest gets lighter as she continues talking. Yoona’s never felt this free in months, so she continues. “And I don’t know if you’ve seen the comments, but Jessica’s acting like she’s a saint in all this? Can you believe it? She’s painting herself to be the victim and the rest of us just betrayed her behind her back. She had her faults too! She missed practice a lot. She was always gone. She even thought it was a good idea to go out clubbing the night before a concert!” Yoona can feel the frustration rising and falling as she listed each of Jessica’s faults against the rest of them. “How could she be so careless? Worst of all, she and Tyler Kwon’s cousin were mistaken for Taeyeon unni and me. Can you believe it? Who the hell goes clubbing before a concert?” Swearing isn’t something she normally does in public, but she is just too angry to care at this point and her brain-to-mouth filter has already disappeared the moment she felt Ryeowook wasn’t going to judge her.

“We did what we thought was best for the rest of us,” she continues. “Now Jessica’s one step closer to her dreams, and she’s happy. We did that for her… so why does it feel like we’re being punished for it?”

Ryeowook remains silent for a few minutes, as though thinking hard about what he wants to tell her. Yoona appreciates how he’s taken in all that she said, regardless of how petty or senseless it was, and still make something out of it.

“I think the reason you’re feeling that way is because you haven’t forgiven yourself,” he says, pouring her another cup of tea. “Maybe you haven’t done that because you’re still in denial that you did it.”

“Do you think it was an easy choice for me to make?” she asks. She feels attacked with what he said. She knows what she did. Ryeowook doesn’t need to spell it out for her.

Ryeowook chuckles. “You didn’t let me finish,” he says. “I was going to say that for your conscience, I guess it's just a matter of conviction. If you know you're right, then where's this doubt coming from?"

“But that’s the thing!” Yoona practically shouts as she throws her hands in the air. “I don’t know if I made the right choice!” She should have known Ryeowook is just going to make her feel bad about it. Now she wonders whether talking to him is the right decision. She opens her mouth to argue some more, but Ryeowook beats her to it.

“You’re not the only group who lost members,” he says. Of course. Super Junior has dealt with Han Geng’s lawsuit and Kibum’s disappearance, but they’re still standing as one of the greatest groups there ever was.

“It wasn’t easy for us to accept their departure, especially Han Geng hyung’s,” he says. Yoona can see that the topic still hurts him sometimes. “But he felt like he could no longer handle the conditions here, and he had his own dreams and plans in China. Who were we to stop him? Same thing goes for Kibum. He never wanted to be an idol. Acting was always his plan. We just let him go, because we know that’s what will make him happy.”

“But they left, you didn’t force them out,” Yoona says, pouring a cup of tea for Ryeowook this time. “I can’t help but wonder, what if things were different? How would things be today if we didn’t kick Jessica out of the group. There I said it.”

“It hurts to lose a member in favor of their own ambitions,” he says, as he accepts the cup of tea. “It doesn’t matter, whether you kicked out the person in question, or the person left freely. In the end, things will work out. It will be a long time, but they will. Maybe one day, you’ll just miss each other.”

Yoona chuckles at that one. “Well, Jessica hasn’t had friendly things to say about us, and I don’t think we’ll be allowed to say nice things about her, if we wanted to. So I don’t know if we’re allowed to miss each other.”

“Say what you want, but trust me on this one,” Ryeowook says. “Been there, done that.”

“Fine. You’re the expert after all,” Yoona says, smirking. She doesn’t really believe him just yet, but she hopes that he’s right. “Maybe one day, we can all just joke about this.”

“Losing members is never a joking matter,” Ryeowook whispers. “The memories will always hurt. But it’s up to you to decide which memories are worth keeping and which ones are worth forgetting. Rather than focusing on the things that make me want to be angry with Han Geng hyung and Kibum, I choose to remember the happier times with them. After all, dwelling on bad thoughts isn’t good for anyone.”

Yoona sighs. She’s still not fully convinced just yet, and it looks like Ryeowook knows it too. “I…” she whispers. She wants to say something, but the words escape her the minute she speaks. “I don’t know…”

“Listen to me, Yoona,” he says, taking her hands gently. “I get where you're coming from. It hurts-the guilt, the anger, the confusion, the what-ifs-and it’s not something you easily forget. But we have to live with our choices.”

Yoona wonders how Ryeowook has come across his advice. She almost wants to ask if this is another one of his should-have-dones, or if this is the way he copes with everything. “Live with our decisions, huh?” she whispers, more to herself than to him.

Ryeowook nods. “It’s either you do that, or live in denial, which isn’t going to do you any favors.”

Yoona has to admit that talking with Ryeowook and listening to what he has to say somewhat makes her feel a little better. She’s let out all that she’s been feeling, and Ryeowook is the only person not to punish her for feeling the way she does. She isn’t sure if she wants to live with her decisions, but she’s tired of lying to herself. Maybe she can start with finally naming that feeling in her stomach. “Guilt,” she whispers. “This feeling… It’s guilt.” She sighs, feeling a load get off her chest. Admission of guilt means she’s done something wrong and she’s doing it. One step, closer to acceptance, if Ryeowook is right.

“I can do this,” Yoona says, despite the uncertainty in her words. “I can do this living with my own decisions thing. Thank you, Ryeowook oppa.”

Ryeowook smiles as he listens to her convincing herself. “You’re welcome. You know that my door’s always open for you, or at least, you can reach me by KakaoTalk if you want to talk,” he says, standing up. “It’s getting late. I’ll call our managers to pick us up.”

“I’m free from this guilt,” Yoona whispers to herself. “I’m living with my decisions…”

She still has doubts whether admitting what she did, apologizing for it, and then living with the consequences is the best way to go. And from the smile on his face, Ryeowook knows it too.

“I believe in you,” he says, smiling as he opens the door for them both.

“Phew,” Yoona mutters. Looks like her acting skills are improving. If she can convince Ryeowook that she’s accepted everything already, then maybe she can convince herself of it too.

“You do know it’s not the same as believing you, right?” Ryeowook asks.

Yoona frowns. Now she’s confused. He just said he believes in her, right? She isn’t sure what the difference is, so she can’t help but ask, “What do you mean?”

“I said I believe in you,” Ryeowook says, smiling at her. “It doesn’t mean I believe what you’re saying."

Yoona isn’t sure if she understands what he means, but she nods anyway, prompting him to continue.

“You’re still on the road to acceptance. I believe IN your ability to do the right thing, at your own pace. When that day comes, that’s when I’ll also believe what you say,” Ryeowook continues.

Oh. He can see right through that mask she’s putting on. The mask that she’s alright, especially now that she’s acknowledging her guilt over her decisions.

“But for your peace of mind, I’ll pretend I believe you’re fine too,” Ryeowook chuckles as if he managed to hear her thoughts.

Yoona laughs along as she embraces him. “Thank you,” she whispers as she lets him go.

“You’ll be OK, Yoona,” he says, as he sees their managers arrive. “I know you can do it. Don’t force yourself to accept things right away. Do it at your own capacity. You’ll know when it comes.”

Yoona nods as they exchange another hug. She watches as Ryeowook waves goodbye, and she can’t help but smile as she recalls what he’s been telling her.

She wants to do it, if not for herself, then for Ryeowook. He’s a good person, and he doesn’t just blindly have faith in people. Yoona wants to be deserving of that trust. If Ryeowook can believe in her, that’s enough for now. Maybe one day, she’ll achieve the closure and acceptance she seeks.

✮✮✮

Management, through Taeyeon, approached them with a document that would formalize Jessica’s ouster from SNSD. In order to make it official, all it needed were the signatures of the other eight members. Apparently, Jessica had known of this document before the rest of them, which was probably why she went to visit a lawyer the day they had that meeting without her. Yoona wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone any more than necessary, especially now that management was using the other members to pressure her into making a decision.

“Yoona, you need to make a choice,” Taeyeon had said earlier when they were alone in the practice room. Yoona heard the desperation in her voice, yet she refused to acknowledge it. “Most of us have already signed the papers, and honestly, you’re one of the few management’s waiting for.”

Yoona scowled as she looked away. She wasn’t in the mood to make that decision.

“I know you don’t want to make the decision, and I don’t like pestering you…” Taeyeon whispered. “But the bosses are nagging me every waking second of my life.”

“I’m sorry, Taeyeon unni,” Yoona sighed. “But I just can’t do it.”

Taeyeon pinched the bridge of her nose and let out a noise that Yoona wasn’t sure was a sigh or a scream before she nodded. “I understand. Just… let Manager Minjin know when you’re ready.”

Apparently, it was her signature they were all waiting for before Jessica was officially dismissed from the group. She wondered what made at least the others decide they could no longer work with Jessica, who’s been their friend for more than 10 years.

“I signed it two days ago… She doesn’t want to be here, anymore, Yoona,” Tiffany said when Yoona asked her about it. “You heard her. She has a life outside SNSD and she doesn’t care about the rest of us.”

“But didn’t she just say that she still wanted to be part of the group?”

“That’s what she said, but her actions are proving otherwise. As her friend, I’m just setting her free,” Tiffany sighed. “Besides, I’m sick of playing referee between her and Taeyeon. I’m going to miss her a lot though.”

“You’re so sure that she’ll be gone,” Yoona said, keeping her face as impassive as possible.

Tiffany sighed again. “There were at least four signatures by the time I decided to sign it,” she said. “It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make, but I had to do it for the sake of my, no, our futures.”

Yoona blinked as Tiffany was called over to fit her costumes. She didn’t want to know who had already signed the document and who hadn’t yet. She next approached Yuri, who was stretching on the floor.

“You already signed the thing?” Yoona asked as she sat on the floor and held onto Yuri’s feet as the latter bent over. She was grasping for straws at this point, wondering if Yuri was one of the four people Tiffany was talking about.

“How did you know?” Yuri groaned once she sat up straight. “Just before I came in here… That was why I stayed behind a bit… I was hoping you wouldn’t find out until after dinner…”

“What?” Yoona frowned. She was only speculating, but Yuri’s answer was all the confirmation she needed. “I didn’t! I was only wondering what you thought about this whole thing… but I guess I got my answer… and why until after dinner?”

“Well, Seohyun already told me to tell you not to make any dinner plans with anyone,” Yuri replied, looking around to make sure no one was listening. “She didn’t say what for.. but yeah…”

As Yuri had mentioned earlier, once practice was done for the day, Seohyun had invited Yoona and Yuri for dinner at a noodle place near their homes. This was bizarre in itself, as the maknae rarely offered to pay, and TaeTiSeo had promotions for “Holler” so she was supposed to be under a strict diet.

“I am. But it’s still healthier than fast food.” Seohyun grinned when Yoona asked her about it. “Besides, I have to talk to you two… Alone.”

Yoona offered to drive them all to the noodle place, as she was the only one who brought a car among them that day. None of them said anything, save for Seohyun instructing her where to go. Yoona wondered if this was because of hunger or were they all just avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. Things didn’t change even after they arrived and ordered their noodles. All three of them ate in silence, avoiding each other’s gaze.

Seohyun put down her chopsticks and cleared her throat to get their attention.

“The thing is… I asked you out to dinner… since I wanted to talk about… the papers,” she said, looking straight at them.

Yoona put down her spoon and sighed. She knew it was going to come to this, and wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk about this in a semi-public place. Although it was a hidden hole-in-the-wall kind of place that not many people frequented and the three of them were practically the only customers there now that it was close to midnight, she still had her reservations about talking about something so private outside their dorm.

“I… I saw you, Yuri unni. I saw that you signed the papers this morning,” Seohyun said.

Yuri frowned. “How? I thought it was only Manager Minijn and I who were left at the lobby.”

“I thought I left my bag in the van, remember?” Seohyun said. “I went out to get it, and I saw you two. I was about to ask it from you, since you were holding it… but… I heard what you two were saying. So there.”

Yoona sighed. She knew Yuri and Jessica were pretty close as well, but she didn’t have Tiffany’s excuse of playing referee between Jessica and Taeyeon to use. In fact, Yuri almost always took Jessica’s side in fights, unless they were the ones fighting. “Why though? Weren’t you the one who said that we’re best when we’re complete?”

Yuri’s face looked sad as she looked out the window. “It was something she told me last night that made me do it.”

Yoona and Seohyun exchanged glances. They both hadn’t been able to talk to Jessica recently because of their busy schedules, while Yuri was the least busy among the three of them, so it was more likely that she had heard stuff they didn’t know.

“What did she say?” Yoona asked.

“It was something about renewing her contract,” Yuri said, sighing.

“You know, I wondered about that too, but I wasn’t complaining,” Seohyun said. “Since I thought we’d all be together as nine for at least three more years and that she was going to postpone her hiatus.”

“Same here. It was a shock, but I wasn’t upset either,” Yoona said, as she put down her chopsticks. “I never asked her why she renewed her contract, but now that you mention it…”

“If you thought she renewed because she missed us, then you’re wrong. That’s what I thought until we talked last night,” Yuri spat out. “You were still in Chinese class, Yoona, while Seohyun, you were rehearsing for for TaeTiSeo’s comeback showcase. That’s why you missed it.”

Yoona had never seen Yuri this upset, save for the time Jessica thought she was putting moves on Taecyeon and how they didn’t talk for months. But that looked like childish tantrums compared to Yuri’s current mood.

“What did she say?” Yoona prompted.

“Apparently her renewing of her contract wasn’t her idea. She didn’t really want to renew her contract, but Tyler convinced her to do so for the sake of the brand,” Yuri muttered, stabbing her ramen in between words. “She knew being an SNSD member meant that we were going to be there for her while she waited to get her brand out there… So yeah… I feel like she didn’t renew because she loves us, but for the sake of Blanc… which just...”

Yoona and Seohyun took turns in consoling Yuri as they rubbed her arms and put an arm around her. No wonder Yuri was upset and decided to sign the contract, especially if she felt betrayed like this. Part of Yoona wanted to believe that it was all just a misunderstanding. She couldn’t very well impose her own thoughts, especially now that Yuri was distraught and angry.

“Call me a bad friend, but if I look at it that way, I kind of feel betrayed,” Yuri rambled, looking at her half-empty ramen bowl. “I don’t know… I feel bad, but… Yeah. If I could explain my jumbled up feelings, I would.”

Yoona resumed eating her noodles as she thought of what to say to Yuri. She was at a loss for words, which she hid by keeping her mouth full. It turned out that she didn’t need to say something since Seohyun decided to speak up.

“Now you that mentioned that, it reminded me of why I asked you both out to dinner,” she said, pushing her bowl aside. “Honestly, do you think Sica unni’s being selfish with what she’s doing? Wanting to do everything at once-her brand, her studies, and well us?”

Yoona shook her head. “I don’t think so. At least… Not really,” she said. “I know that we’re not getting any younger and that eventually, we as a group will be nothing. I get that she’s just preparing for a life after that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with preparing for a life after us,” Seohyun nodded. “But lately, I’ve been feeling like Jessica doesn’t care about how her actions will impact the rest of us. Maybe I’ve been listening to Taeyeon unni and Tiffany unni too much… I don’t know. But Blanc seems to be her priority and we seem to be a side job to her… and I just… wonder if it’s OK if we decide to be selfish too.”

“What do you mean by that?” Yoona asked. Seohyun rarely talked about wanting to be selfish as she was one of the most generous people Yoona had ever met.

“I mean, going into this venture, Jessica unni has every right to protect and secure a future for herself, but what about the rest of us?” Seohyun whispered as she played with her chopsticks. “Hasn’t she ever thought of the consequences of what she’s doing? Having to learn her parts besides our own? And how our attending of events relies on whether she can make it or not?”

“What?” Yoona and Yuri chorus at the same time.

Seohyun let out a long-suffering sigh which was unlike anything they’ve heard from her before. “Apparently, there are some appearances which we had to cancel because Sica unni couldn’t make it at the last minute. Or at least, they had to make us go as TaeTiSeo. And the reason for our practice time changes? It was all for Sica unni… When we had stuff to do, the schedules weren’t adjusted for us… So… I didn’t know what to make of all this…”

Yoona blinked. Now that Seohyun had raised those points, she now saw what Seohyun meant about how the rest of them were adjusting for Jessica, and how in return, Jessica still managed to cancel on them last minute.

“But you know her schedule isn’t dictated by management right?” Yuri asked.

“Exactly why this whole thing makes me feel like she’s being selfish. There she is with her own schedule, which she’s free to change at will, and we suffer the consequences.” Seohyun said. “I was planning to ask how you’d have felt about me signing the papers from management. And with what Yuri unni said, I think… I think it’s time I’m selfish too...”

Yoona had a feeling what Seohyun intended to do, but that didn’t mean that she liked it. She knew that no matter what amount of persuasion would convince their intelligent and headstrong maknae from going about her plans.

“I’m going to sign that contract tomorrow…” the maknae said. “I… I know I said it’s not wrong for Jessica unni to want a future, but I need to protect my present and possible future as well. As much as I love her, I have to fight for what is best for me too. I’m sorry…”

Despite the hugs all three of them exchanged, Yoona knew she was now all alone in wanting Jessica to stay.

They had just finished another costume fitting for their Tokyo Dome concert, as Jessica was flying to New York the following day. Instead of wanting to go home and sleep, as her usual habit, Jessica had invited Yoona to have coffee at the nearby coffee shop.

“How long will you be in New York?” Yoona asked, in an attempt to make conversation. The last few days had been stressful for all of them, and by now everyone knew Yoona was the only one who refused to sign that document. It was like walking on eggshells whenever someone would mention Jessica’s name these days.

“I’ll be back in time for the Shenzhen fanmeet, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Jessica replied as she stirred some sugar into her coffee.

“What will you be doing over there? Wedding plans?” Yoona joked, trying to lighten the mood. That wasn’t the best joke to make at the moment, but she knew it was one of the few that would elicit a reaction out of Jessica.

“Not wedding plans yet, though I wish that was the case,” Jessica said, suddenly sounding more excited than she had been all day. “I’m actually starting to apply for design schools there. This is it, one step closer to my dream of being a designer and the world will wear my creations.”

Yoona nodded. This wasn’t new to her, but at the same time, she felt as though she was left behind with Jessica’s plans. “When do you start studying though? I mean, with the group’s activities and the business, how will you find time?”

“Next year I will study abroad,” Jessica answered. “If I quit Girls’ Generation, I will become a designer. I’ve already mentioned this. And then, I also want to get married.”

“About marriage… There were a lot of marriage rumors surrounding you and Tyler, and it doesn’t help that you have that ring,” Yoona muttered, pointing at the Tiffany and Co. band Jessica had on her ring finger. “I know this is stupid to ask, but yeah… Are you planning to get married soon?”

Jessica laughed louder than what Yoona expected. “I mean, I want to get married but there’s just too much that’s in the way,” she said, waving a hand as if she was brushing off the rumors. “But if anything, I think we’ll have to get married in either Hong Kong or the US.”

“Of course there’s a lot to do.. There’s fanmeets, SMTown concerts, and then the Tokyo Dome concert this December! And that new album we’re working on… the one that’s supposed to be your last before your hiatus,” Yoona chuckled dryly. “How will you find time to sit down and plan a wedding?”

Jessica shook her head. “I wasn’t talking about that stuff, silly,” she said. Yoona frowned at this. Jessica was still an SNSD member and she will be going on hiatus after the next album, so of course Jessica had to give her time to these schedules.

“I was actually talking about having a lot to do for Blanc,” Jessica said. “After sunglasses, the next we’ll be putting out is fragrances, and then we’ll be going into accessories, like bags and scarves. And the most exciting part of it is that by next year, there will be ready-to-wear items under my label. Oh it’s a lot, but we’re also selling to other parts of Asia… China, Hong Kong, Korea, Malaysia, Japan… I can see it now!”

Yoona couldn’t bring herself to be the party-pooper as Jessica talked about her plans for her brand. After all, the fruits of Jessica’s labor have materialized. “I don’t think I’ve been this excited for anything!” Jessica squealed. “I really don’t know if you can understand how I’m feeling right now, Yoona. No performance has excited me this much!”

Yoona blinked at those words. “Not even getting to perform at Tokyo Dome? Or even our first solo concert back then?”

“Not even those. I mean, it’s amazing to perform a solo concert at Tokyo Dome, but it’s that. Another concert among the many we’ve done,” Jessica said.

“Another concert?” Yoona asked, raising an eyebrow at Jessica.

Even some of Japan’s most-established singers have yet to perform at Tokyo Dome, so this honor being bestowed on them is something Yoona can’t even imagine. To her, performing there means, that as a group, SNSD has made it. Meanwhile, Jessica merely dismissed this opportunity as another ordinary concert? All those nights of endless practices, recordings, and brainstorming didn’t mean as much to Jessica as they did to Yoona?

Jessica sighed. “Not that I’m judging your being excited to get to perform there. I mean it IS Tokyo Dome. But really, Yoona… Aren’t you sick of it yet? The stress, the fatigue, the dieting, everything?”

Yoona shrugged, not really knowing what Jessica was trying to tell her. She couldn’t help but feel judged for still being passionate about being on stage. Despite the negative things about being a performer, there were a lot of positive things too. This was something she had always dreamed of since she was a child, and although it wasn’t exactly like her fantasies, Yoona didn’t want to trade the experience for anything else. After all, how many parents in the world get to tell their children that they were once on top of the world?

“I can’t wait to get out of here. This idol life is rather limiting, and I feel so trapped,” Jessica said, decisively. She put down her teaspoon as though to emphasize her point. “Frankly, I’m so done with this whole idol business. I should have gotten out when I had the chance.”

Yoona froze in her tracks. She knew that all of them had said the same words out of frustration and fatigue before. But this was the first time that she actually felt like someone meant it. Sure, they were all burned out and the feeling that they were slowly being replaced was getting to them, but if anything, Yoona wanted to go down with her head held high and with beautiful memories.

“If you wanted out so badly, why’d you renew your contract?” Yoona asked. This had bothered her ever since Yuri told them about it. “We all thought you were already going to leave back then… but why’d you renew it? If you hadn’t… you’d be… as you wanted, free.”

Jessica sighed. “I didn’t want to leave things hanging with you, and mostly… it was a business decision. I had to safeguard my future…”

So Yuri was right after all. She didn’t renew because she wanted to spend more time with them. How could she have been so blind and naive? All this time, she thought Jessica was willing to put her plans on hold for the sake of the group. Turns out, she was only thinking of herself as she renewed her contract AND started her business plans.

“Yoona, are you OK?” Jessica asked, her brow furrowing in concern. “Are you-Sorry, Tyler’s here!”

Yoona looked outside the window to see Tyler waving at them. She groaned as Jessica’s face broke into a smile. “Oh no! I need to go,” Jessica gasped. “That reminds me, I have an early flight to New York. Wish me luck with my applications, Yoong! See you when I do!”

Yoona could only manage a half-hearted smile as she exchanged hugs with Jessica. She watched as the other woman rushed out of the coffee shop. She played around with her iced coffee’s straw, as though she was stirring her thoughts and trying to melt them all away.

How could Jessica be so willing to drop everything the moment Tyler appeared? Whatever happened to prioritizing your friends over your love life? Yoona sighed as she watched the brown liquid swirl some more. She wasn’t sure if she was being petty about this, but didn’t Jessica care about how she felt any more? Had the roles been reversed, that’s not what she would have done. If anything, she would have made Seunggi wait for her inside (she wasn’t that heartless to make him wait in the cold) until Jessica was fine. It wasn’t anything major, but a small part of her felt a little betrayed, if she was going to be honest with herself. It didn’t help that the reason for Yoona’s prior distress was also caused by Jessica.

Yoona looked up only to cringe as she saw herself on the coffee shop’s television screen. Apparently, they were airing re-runs of Prime Minister and I. As much as she enjoyed filming the drama, the stress of filming that and preparing for their “Mr. Mr.” comeback suddenly haunted her. Her bones suddenly ached as the memories of juggling filming and learning choreography came back. She could suddenly feel the pain in her vocal chords, which she strained in between reciting her lines for the drama and recording her parts. That was the only time she didn’t mourn her lack of singing lines in most of their songs. What she lacked in singing, she had to compensate for in dancing and being the face of the group.

“She is our center Yoong!” The members have said this thousands of times, and that was a role Yoona took to heart, even if she didn’t show it. As the so-called “face” of the group, it was up to her to maintain a good image. She knew that one step out of line, and she was done for. Not only was her career on the line, but the entire group’s. If anything, she felt as though she was somehow carrying the rest of them. This was more prevalent during their debut days.

Back when she was filming You Are My Destiny, and even today, she always referred to herself as “SNSD’s Yoona,” unless it wasn’t necessary. Although Yoona wasn’t with any of the other members when she filmed all her dramas, she always had the rest of them in mind. In the end, she always found herself happiest when she promoted with the rest. That was why she couldn’t wait to catch up on what she missed despite her fatigue from filming. Although she had been hailed as a promising actress, she was first and foremost a member of SNSD. Everything she had right now-endorsements, drama offers, movies, variety show appearances, magazine covers, and opportunities-was thanks to being with SNSD.

Yoona cringed at her own acting some more, before she turned her attention to her ringing mobile. It had a message from her manager about her film’s screen test in two days. Yoona still wondered what the casting directors saw in her and offered her the roles. Then again, it could be management just trying to make things happen, because in the end, whatever she did, was money for them. Yoona sighed as she suddenly understood what Sunny meant when they all talked in the dorm before.

Whenever she had a schedule different from everyone else, it wasn’t something she chose, but management did for her. Fine, maybe she had some input on which drama roles she preferred based on what management presented to her. In the end, her solo activities were sanctioned by the higher-ups. Whatever she did was still to keep herself (and by extension the rest of her group) relevant to the public eye. More than being a possible post-SNSD career, these dramas were management’s subtle way of keeping the group in the limelight. After all, the roles they had been choosing for Yoona (and the rest of them) were those that were aligned with the entire group’s image-the sweet, wholesome, and lovable girls next door. And who was a better candidate to embody that image than the group’s visual herself?

On the other hand, there was Jessica. Her business served no one but herself. Yoona personally didn’t have any problem with that, but if it got in the way of her commitment as a member of SNSD, then it wasn’t fair to the rest of them. There was also how Jessica seemed to be incredibly out of it lately. She wasn’t focused during the few rehearsals she was actually present for, and how she didn’t seem interested in any of the things planned for their latest solo concert. They were all tired of the hectic life being in the group brought, but whether they liked it or not, SNSD was their bread and butter. They all made a commitment for at least three more years. That was a decision they all agreed to live by, before they all made plans for the next phases of their lives. But somehow, that wasn’t what Jessica was thinking, with how she quickly and willingly dropped any of their schedules for Blanc. Yoona herself never dropped a group schedule in favor of her drama schedules, unless it was something they had agreed upon months or weeks ago. She never sprung any surprises like those Jessica had been giving them the last few months.

Jessica herself said it. She was done with being an idol. The only things keeping her in the industry are her need for a backup plan and maybe Yoona’s reluctance to let her go. Yoona sighed as she watched herself on TV again. While it wasn’t wrong to plan a future outside the group, it was only now that she understood what the rest were thinking. If one was obsessed with preparing for the future, the present ended up getting neglected. SNSD was the only constant in her life for the last decade, and she wasn’t just going to allow anyone to ruin it all for her before it was due. Jessica had chosen to live in a future away from the rest of them. Maybe Yoona had known this all along, but it took some time for her heart to accept it. It was a difficult decision to make, but she knew what she had to do. She dialled a familiar number, wondering if this was really the best thing to do.

“Manager Minjin, I think I’m ready…”

✮✮✮

The day they’ve all been waiting for is finally here. This Tokyo Dome concert is what most people believe is the start of a new era for SNSD. Whether Yoona likes to admit it or not, this is their first solo concert without Jessica. Despite what Jessica says about things being rather repetitive as an idol, the lights and sounds on stage still give Yoona an adrenaline rush like no other. They can see the way the fans react to whatever they’re doing at once. It isn’t like in acting, wherein it takes time before the fans get to see the result of the cast and crew’s hard work. That feeling of being on stage and knowing she has the ability to touch other people’s lives never gets old.

Originally, this concert is supposed to celebrate the four years they have spent as Shojou Jidai, as Jpop artists. As they step on stage for their opening number, “Flower Power,” she can barely contain her delight at the sight of the sea of pink lights still shining for them. Taeyeon had once begged for their fans to trust in them as a group just one more time, and Yoona isn’t certain if they deserve that faith. But judging by the amount of fans at the venue, somehow her heart is at ease as she continues to sing and dance on stage.

Yoona isn’t sure whether to be bothered or not by the way they’re trying to cope with Jessica’s departure. They’re acting like nothing’s changed, but at the same time, they’re hinting at a new era. She can't help but wonder if the fans feel the same way. Everything is the same, yet at the same time everything has changed. They're singing the same songs, dancing the same steps, but they've lost a member. Nothing lasts forever, no matter how many times they try to promise that. They've already broken their promise to their fans to stay together forever because of what they did to Jessica. No amount of apologies will be enough to earn the fan's forgiveness, but Yoona knows the rest of them have to work to earn that trust back. They all have to move forward, as it wouldn't do for them to dwell on the past.

There's only one more song left before this concert is over. Months of rehearsals, fights, tears, vocal strain, and other sacrifices have come to this moment. The moment where they put it all out there for their fans. They let out all their pent up insecurities, fears, and reservations as they sing and dance on stage. Whether Yoona likes to admit it or not, it is when they perform that they are at their most vulnerable. The fans can see every move they make, whether rehearsed or not. This is also when they are at their most honest.

As they walk back on stage for their last song, Yoona goes back to memory lane as she sees her younger self on the giant screens, introducing herself for the first time. She remembers how that was the start of an entirely new journey for her. She can't help but ask herself if the fans can understand the message they want to convey.

As Taeyeon starts singing, Yoona can't help but feel how the song's meaning and context can change in the span of a few months.

"You're waiting for a special miracle," Yoona sings Jessica's former line. "There's a rough road ahead of us."

How ironic that she gets this line. It’s exactly how she’s been feeling since Jessica left. She’s been waiting for a miracle that would wash away all her sins and guilt. The ballad version of "Into the New World" was Tiffany's idea when they were coming up with ideas for the concert as early as last year. After all, what is a better way to mark the start of a new era than a more mature version of the song that started it all for them? Now, it still signals the start of new beginnings, but unlike the simpler idea of just growing up, Yoona can't help but feel that it's also a way of saying this is their beginning without Jessica.

Soon, they’re all joining hands as they form a circle, holding hands as they look into each other’s eyes. Yoona wonders if the others can see the joy, sadness, regret, and forgiveness in hers. This moment is a transition between holding on to past memories and the beginning of something new. She sees it in the eyes of the others. There is a little prickle in her heart as she wills herself to move forward. They all look at Seohyun, who is about to break their circle and face the audience again. She doesn’t need to say a word, it is written on her face-“It hurts, but I’m ready.”

“Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae,” Seohyun sings.

Yoona feels the pain in Seohyun’s voice. It hurts to be betrayed and to be left behind. People have come and go in their lives. It took a long time to build connections, yet it only took a single word for all that to be reduced to nothing. All the memories involved in that relationship becomes a thing of the past, and it’s up to you whether you want to hold on to them or not. No matter what you choose, it’s a painful decision to make.

“Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae,” Sunny joins in. She’s crying so hard that she can barely get the words out.

This time, it’s an apology. They betrayed Jessica. There. Yoona finally admits it to herself. They tried to protect SNSD as a group, yet somehow, they have failed their fans. Now, this is the moment wherein they ask for SONE’s forgiveness and ask for one more chance. The fact that the fans weren’t saying a single word, as they usually would during these times of silence, is enough for Yoona to know that they understand the message she and the other girls are sending.

“Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae,” Tiffany belts out, as the rest of them join in, singing the same words.

This time, it’s for themselves, who’ve been through so much, yet they’re still here. They’re complete, but at the same time, they’re not. This is in a way, their way of forgiveness. As much as Yoona can’t believe it, the sight of the shining pink lights is enough to convince her to accept the pardon she and the other members have been exchanging. They’ve forgiven each other for the decisions they’ve made, the things they’ve done, and the words they’ve said.

Some of those declarations of love are for Jessica. She is no longer a part of SNSD, but in Yoona’s heart-and probably the other members-Jessica Jung will always be one of them. They may be able to take over in terms of singing her lines and dancing her steps, but the memories they made with her are things no one can replace.

Yoona’s held on to the past long enough, and she knows she needs to move on toward an uncertain future. She looks up as she silently sets Jessica free from her memories. They both have new lives now. Yoona looks at the other members with her onstage and the fans whose shining lights are a symbol that they’ve forgiven what she’s done. They are the present she has to cherish. The living, breathing reality in front of her. There’s no use clinging to the ghost of the past.

“Thank you for being a part of my life, Sica unni. I’m sorry things had to be this way…” Yoona thought to herself as she and the other members held hands for their final bow. There are people willing to support her as she accepts the consequences of what she’s done. She feels the grip of Tiffany’s hand on hers saying, “We’re here for you. We will help each other out.”

“It’s something we will do together until the end, into our new world”

END

Notes:

• The title was taken from the song “Stay” by SNSD-TaeTiSeo.

• This is the Into the New World performance at Tokyo Dome that reduced probably every Sone to tears. CRY WITH ME. I would like to thank Red Panda for letting me know this exists. For without it, I never would have known how to end this fic.

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