Round 12: All I've Got (TEAM FUTURE)

[dashboarding]

Title: All I’ve Got
Team: Future
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: DBSK
Pairing: Yunjae
Summary: Jaejoong's wife files for divorce and he loses everything he has to her. Yunho picks up the pieces and attempts to put back together the friend he secretly loves.
Prompt Used: 2PM; Heartbeat.

Jaejoong-ah. Today you stumbled onto my doorstep with a Gucci bag full of CDs. There was a bruise on your cheek and I could tell that you had been crying because your eyes were red and the awkward silence was punctuated by your habit of sniffling like a two year old.

You haven’t said anything since you arrived, but that’s okay. You don’t have to. I know why you’re here.

I'm a little ashamed by it, but I have to say that inwardly I’m rejoicing, because it means that you’re free.

~

“She kicked me out.”

Yunho watched dubiously as Jaejoong tossed his head back and let the alcohol burn it's way down his throat.

“Did you try to talk to her?” Yunho asked, “Did you grovel?”

“I didn’t grovel,” Jaejoong reached for the bottle and Yunho let him pour another glass, knowing that the more Jaejoong drank, the more he would talk. “But maybe I should have; she’s got a bitch of a cross.”

“I did offer you ice.”

“I don’t want it. Scars are honorable.”

Yunho sighed and didn’t bother to point out that a shiner was not a scar. Personally, he considered it more of an embarrassment, but he wasn’t about to argue. “You’re obviously planning on going back, since all you have with you are CDs.”

“I wanted Junsu’s new album. But I couldn’t find it, so I just threw as many as I could into my bag hoping that I had grabbed it.”

In the quiet pause that followed, Yunho wondered how he could convince Jaejoong to ice his bruise.

“I really like the new album,” Jaejoong finally said, swirling the last few drops of liquid in the glass, “It calms me down.”

“They’re mostly all love ballads.” Yunho pressed his lips together, not sure that it was the best thing for Jaejoong to be listening to at the moment.

“Yoochun wrote them,” Jaejoong said, and Yunho didn't point out that obviously he already knew that.

So he laughed. “Go take a shower. You can drink more when you smell good.”

He meant to say, when you don’t smell like her.

“‘Kay.” Jaejoong stumbled to his feet and Yunho wondered how bad it was and how much Jaejoong wasn’t telling him. “Hey,” Jaejoong paused at the door, “Thanks.”

Yunho smiled.

He waited until he heard the water start and then pulled the bag onto his counter. “God Jae,” he grumbled, beginning to sift through the CDs, “Why couldn’t you have just grabbed at least one of your iPods? Isn’t that why you have so many?”

After a bit of laborious digging, Yunho found the CD underneath a disc from Yoochun that was labeled: “THIS MIX IZ DA BOMB YO”. The leader was relieved, to say the least. He was sure that Jaejoong would have been devastated if he had left his copy at his house.

The second track had just started when Jaejoong came out of the bathroom, toweling his hair.

“I grabbed it?” he asked, a fake smile pasted onto his face.

“Yeah. You did.”

They sat and drank while Junsu’s voice wove it’s way through the condo. Yunho just watched as Jaejoong poured shot after shot, shaking with the effort of keeping his emotions in check.

“Jaejoong,” Yunho finally entreated, his heart breaking a little at the sight of his lead singer succumbing to the heart ache.

“It was so bad,” Jaejoong admitted quietly, “God, Yunho. It was so, so bad.”

Yunho walked around the island and offered his arms because he didn’t know what else to do. Jaejoong pressed his nose into Yunho’s shoulder and sobbed, his breath wracking, every muscle quivering, and Yunho wondered if Jaejoong could feel his heart beating out of his chest.

In the background, Junsu sang about broken relationships and love gone sour. It only made Jaejoong cry harder.

Entry 1,251

Jaejoong-ah. I really don’t understand all of this. She was perfect for you. She was beautiful, she was energetic, she was everything you ever regurgitated in an interview. You were planning to travel the world together. You were attached at the hip and irrevocably in love with her.

I don’t understand how anyone could give you up.

~

The cigarette smoke disappeared before it was able to hit Yunho’s face. “I couldn't face her. I missed the court date because I didn't want to burst into tears while she stared me down."

Jaejoong took another drag, the smoke slipping out of his lips in slow curls. “She took everything. Even my keyboard. I have absolutely nothing, Yunho.”

You have us, Yunho wanted to say. “You have Junsu’s CD.”

Jaejoong barked out a laugh that ended in a cough. Yunho took the opportunity to pluck the the cigarette from Jaejoong’s fingers and extinguish it. He received a glare for it, but Jaejoong didn’t make a move to light another.

“You know you can stay here.”

“I know.”

Jaejoong fell asleep on Yunho’s bed that night and left a space to his side. Yunho allowed Jaejoong to murmur his wife’s name into his neck and the leader didn’t go to sleep, responding to every wishful moan of “Yiseul” with a gentle brush of his hand.

Entry 1,259

Jaejoong-ah. Changmin’s coming to visit today. He made me swear not to tell you and because I can’t refuse him anything, you have no idea and are walking around in your boxers.

I wish you’d get dressed.

~

Yunho was less then pleased when Changmin showed up with his wife and baby in tow.

Jaejoong cooed and sang at the girl who was hiding her face in Changmin’s neck. “She doesn’t remember me,” Jaejoong lamented, “Jinae, do you know who I am?”

Changmin rolled his eyes, “Of course she remembers you. You almost dropped her on her head. That’s hard to forget. Jinae, say hello.”

Yunho tried not to stare as Jaejoong took Jinae into his arms and hugged her fiercely, whispering, “I did not almost drop you.”

Yunho distracted himself from the domestic sight by pulling Changmin into the kitchen. "A happy family is not something a newly divorced man should see,” he hissed.

"I can't just leave them in Japan," Changmin shrugged, "and they wanted to see you both. Especially Jinae."

Yunho didn’t have an answer for that and had to keep his mouth shut as Changmin went to cuddle his wife.

They had a good meal. Jinae sang a squeaky lullaby that had Changmin near tears and Jaejoong screeching, “Yoochun is going to die laughing when I tell him that you cried!”

Yunho chuckled, and then watched, anxiously, as Jaejoong sat at the piano. His hands stretched over the keys and Yunho held his breath, gripping the arm of his chair tight. Jaejoong took a breath, took another, pressed a key down, and then pulled his hands away, looking lost.

Changmin looked ready to break down again and Yunho didn’t blame him. Jaejoong without music was unthinkable.

“I can’t,” he finally whispered, “Yunho, I can’t.”

Yunho was about to reply, but Jinae beat him to it, patting Jaejoong’s arm. “Fine,” she said, and indulged them all with her version of Mirotic.

“Who taught her those lyrics?” Yunho whispered, as she fumbled through the rap.

“I don’t know,” Changmin replied immediately, “I’m torn between going for my camera or telling her to never sing it again. Jinae, baby, who taught you that?”

“Yoochun oppa!” Jinae shrieked and Changmin looked murderous.

“I’m going to kill him.”

“Sing!” Jinae insisted and Changmin was obliged to hit his high note for her. She made a valiant attempt at repeating it and everyone in the room winced.

They finished their impromptu concert with Balloons before Changmin announced that they had to get back to their hotel so Jinae could sleep. She looked less than pleased at this, but allowed herself to be bundled up, saying her farewells properly around her pink scarf.

Changmin whispered several words to Jaejoong as he hugged him goodbye, and the elder man nodded as he listened, squeezing tight before Changmin pulled away, bustling his little family out the door.

“I’ll clean up,” Yunho said.

Jaejoong wandered off and Yunho did his dishes in record time before setting out to find his new housemate. Jaejoong was on the bed, squeezing the feathers from a pillow and trying to muffle the noise of his sobs. Yunho didn’t bother with shushes or meaningless words of comfort, knowing that they would fall on deaf ears.

“Why does it still hurt?” Jaejoong asked, “My heart aches.”

“I know,” Yunho murmured, even though he really didn’t, and ran a hand up and down Jaejoong’s back.

“Everything reminds me of her. Every song, every laugh, every breath. I’m trying to forget, I really am. She’s been horrible. She’s been really horrible about this whole thing. But it’s so hard to let go. It’s so, so hard, Yunho.”

“I know.”

“I suppose that’s what I get for marrying a fan.”

“No,” Yunho whispered, “Oh, Jaejoong, no.”

He kept silent as Jaejoong cried, hoping that his tongue wouldn’t slip and he’d ask what he really wanted to know: does it hurt? Does your heart hurt as much as mine did after I heard that you were getting married?

Entry 1,272

Jaejoong-ah. Junsu gave me tickets for his concert tonight. He said that you didn’t have to come, but I think it’ll be good for you. Especially since Yoochun will be there as well.

~

They traveled as secretly as two members of Dong Bang Shin Ki could. He did notice several people taking pictures of their hunched forms as they settled into the VIP seats and his mouth twitched a little at the speculation it would cause.

His phone beeped with a message just before he went to silence it. “Yoochun’s backstage already.”

A look of longing passed across Jaejoong's face.

"We can go now," Yunho offered.

"No," Jaejoong said, "That's okay. If we go back now, Junsu will drag us on stage to sing and I don't think I can do that."

Yunho fought back a sudden urge to grasp at Jaejoong's fingers. "After," he agreed, and made polite conversation with the people around him as Jaejoong just stared at the stage with an unreadable expression. No one said anything to him, and Yunho didn't blame them.

When the lights finally went out, Yunho felt a surge of pride as there was a instantaneous roar of approval and sea of red. He shut his eyes for a minute to remember what it felt like, to remember that first breath on stage, that moment when he’d open his eyes and wonder do I deserve this? Deciding, quite suddenly, to hell with it, he reached over and slid his palm against Jaejoong's. The squeeze was returned as Junsu appeared and Yunho hoped the moment would go unnoticed in the commotion.

Not that it ever had.

"That's going to be all over the internet tomorrow," Jaejoong groused, when Yunho finally let go.

"Like that's ever stopped you before," Yunho returned.

Jaejoong just smiled, turning his attention to Junsu and singing along.

Bastard, Yunho thought fondly, because Jaejoong had started it. The leader remembered well the hours Jaejoong would spend on the computer cackling over the fangirl theories.

"What should we do today, Yunho-yah?" he'd ask, "you should put your hand on my thigh. They'll love that."

Jaejoong was always right. They always loved it.

Yunho himself basked in the attention, pleased to touch whenever he wanted, happy to answer ambiguously whenever Jaejoong elbowed him, tickled pink whenever Jaejoong traded spots with Changmin.

"Hey," Jaejoong flicked his forehead, "You're staring."

"Sorry," Yunho breathed, "sorry."

Jaejoong just laughed, but Yunho didn't hear it because Junsu hit a high note that had the entire crowd screaming.

"He's gotten better," Jaejoong said, "He's really gotten better."

"Yes," Yunho agreed, though he wasn't looking at Junsu, "much better."

~

Backstage was as crowded as Yunho remembered. Clouds of pressed powder and hairspray still settling, the smell of sweat from over exertion and oil for the stage mechanics lingering in the air, everyone pressing around one another and squeezing through racks of costumes to get where they needed to be. There were some things he didn't miss, that was for sure.

Junsu was stretched out on the floor when Jaejoong exploded into his dressing room. Yunho winced as Junsu tackled them both, shrieking in pure delight.

"I thought I saw you!" he chanted, and Jaejoong hung on tight, laughing breathlessly. Yunho couldn't tear his eyes away.

"Yoochun went to pee," Junsu explained, "God, he is such an idiot. I tried to get him to sing with me but he didn't want to, the bastard. Why didn't you come back before it started? We could have all done something impromptu."

Jaejoong's face fell slightly, and Yunho quickly supplied, "Changmin would kill us if we sang without him."

They all grinned at each other for a moment before there was a commotion in the hallway and Yunho was sure he heard Yoochun yell, "GET OUT OF MY WAY," before he burst into the room.

Jaejoong lit up and flew past Yunho, looking for all the world like a bright lens flare. He hurled himself into Yoochun's arms where they screamed and clung and eventually ended up on the floor, sobbing as they clutched at one another.

An expected reaction, Yunho told himself, and tried to squash the little bug of jealously that was burrowing into his brain.

"We should eat," Junsu said, hopping around on his feet, "Let's go eat. We can call Changmin and make him regret deciding to settle down in Japan with a wife. It's Valentine's Day! We should celebrate being single and--" he faltered, sending an apologetic glance at Jaejoong.

There was an uncomfortable beat in which Yunho contemplated tearing Junsu's intestines out through his nose.

"Or not," Junsu continued, just as quickly, "We can, um."

"Go celebrate," Jaejoong urged, “Really. Get Yoochun drunk. That's always fun."

"Come with us," Yoochun pulled at Jaejoong's sleeve, "You must be sick and tired of Leader-ssi by now."

"I've had enough excitement for one night. And no, I'm not," he turned to grin at Yunho, whose stomach warmed at the affection, “Who could get sick of this face?"

"Me," Junsu said automatically, “Come here, Jaejae. Come see the mess Yoochun’s made of my new song.”

Jaejoong allowed himself to be pulled away, and Yunho watched, unable to dispel the fluttering of his heart--until Yoochun poked him hard in the ribs.

"How is he?"

"Coping," Yunho responded, rubbing the sore spot and sighing.

"And how are you?"

Yunho's mouth went dry at the tone. He suddenly had a flashback of all the times Yoochun had caught him staring at Jaejoong, bending over backwards for him, curling a possessive arm about his shoulders--and then Yunho remembered that one time when he had been in the shower and forgotten to lock the door.

"Coping," Yunho repeated, scrubbing his eyelids in an attempt to erase the memory.

"You look besotted."

"Have I ever not been?" Yunho demanded, voice barely above a whisper.

"Well no," Yoochun allowed, "but I'm worried for him."

"And you think I'm not?"

"Yunho," Yoochun chuckled, "U-know Yunho, always so defensive. I know you care for him. I just--be careful. Please. Or I'll have to kill you."

Entry 1,280

Jaejoong-ah. You told me today that you don’t believe in farewell. You didn’t have to. I know you love her. I know you’re still holding onto her. For a little while, I’ll be okay with that, because you’re not someone to just give up.

You’ve always been so strong, so confident in who you are and what you want.

But Jae. I wish...that maybe just this once you’d let it go. I wish you’d look beside you and see what’s there. As your friend, Jaejae, as your forever leader, as someone who loves you so much, I wish you’d let her go.

~

Jaejoong traced the rim of his wine glass idly. He had been staring out the window for the past few minutes obviously completely out of it, his thoughts not at all on dinner or Yunho or happiness.

Yunho approached carefully, wary that Jaejoong was most likely tipsy and subsequently more emotional. Theoretically, anyway. There was a high possibility that Yunho was referring back to the time one of his pre-queer admittance girlfriends had gone on a red wine rampage. It was a strong and unpleasant memory.

“Jaejoong,” Yunho asked, and he let a hand rest casually on Jaejoong’s shoulder.

“Bed time?” Jaejoong asked wryly.

“Wanted to ask you something,” Yunho mumbled, arms coming around Jaejoong’s middle, “What--what did you fight about.”

He expected the sudden squirming and held on tight.

“Does it really matter?” Jaejoong asked into his glass, after failing to get free. “We fought. It’s over. Time for me to move on with my life. Or at least try to forget. Maybe forgive,” he added softly.

“I just--I don’t understand it,” Yunho said, echoing the thought that had been bouncing around in his brain for awhile.

“Do you need to?”

Yunho let his chin rest on Jaejoong’s shoulder as they looked out the window. “I want to,” he finally said, “You know, you’re not the only one she’s hurt in this mess. When you hurt one of us, you hurt all of us.”

There was no need to voice aloud that “us” was not just Yunho and Jaejoong. There were three other people that were held in Jaejoong’s heart as dearly as Yunho, though he hoped it wasn’t quite in the same way. Regardless, he knew those few words would do the trick and he had to hold back a self-satisfied smirk (most likely learned from Heechul) when Jaejoong sighed resignedly. “She--it started because she had left the stove on.”

Yunho blinked. “What?”

“I jokingly chided her because she left the stove on and the jjigae boiled over. She said that had I not piled my clothes on our bed she wouldn’t have been obligated to move them and therefore wouldn’t have left the pot to itself and then I said that I wouldn’t have piled the clothes on the bed if her clothes didn’t take up the whole closet and then she said that I said that I hadn’t wanted the closet which wasn’t true and I told her this and then she called me a liar and I told her--“

“Jaejoong,” Yunho said softly, and his former lead singer sucked in a much needed breath. His hand was shaking against the windowsill and Yunho linked their fingers, squeezing until Jaejoong had control over his sentences.

“It was like opening the floodgates,” Jaejoong whispered against the glass, “Every argument resurfaced, every little pet peeve until we were screaming and throwing things and then--she started in on the members. Spewing things left and right, stuff from the lawsuit that wasn’t true and that--god, Yunho. Things I didn’t even know about that happened that she learned from my family or the fans or--I don’t even know. I just. I snapped. I looked at her and I wondered how I had missed this side of her. I told her she was being a delusional idiot,” Jaejoong shrugged, “and she punched me.”

“I thought,” Yunho licked his lips, “I thought she ended it, Joongie. You are so hurt but--you’re the one that ended it?”

Jaejoong released a short laugh and the rest of the wine disappeared down his throat. “She did end it. I just didn’t argue because she was right. It fucking hurts because for a little while it was heaven. I wasted a part of my life that I could have spent doing something else. With someone else. And that sucks.”

He turned around and let his arms snake around Yunho’s waist, holding tight. Yunho breathed him in for a moment.

Jaejoong’s body moved a little and Yunho didn’t exactly know if Jaejoong was shivering from the cold or crying. He decided that since Jaejoong wasn’t storming into the bedroom, it didn’t really matter.

Entry 1,282

Jaejoong-ah. I know we always say that our toughest period was the lawsuit. For me, that’s a lie. I can’t admit the moments in my life when I suffered the most because they contradict everything that I’ve ever been brought up to believe.

Yoochun knows. He’s so perceptive, the little demon. He saw me stare at you, noticed how I acquiesced to whatever fan service you wanted to do, noticed how protective I was of you--he walked in on me, once, in the shower, while I had a hand on my cock and your name on my lips. It was more than a little embarrassing.

After I swore him to secrecy, we talked--talked about life and love and what they mean together. We talked about you and how you step into the light and shine something crazy. Didn’t you ever wonder why Yoochunnie and I roomed together?

Jaejoong-ah, I fell in love with you. I fell in love with everything that you are: your voice, your face, your charisma. I love your dorky side, I love the music you write, I love when you wear glasses and look smarter than you actually are, I love when you trip over things, I love your stupid Japanese jokes, and I love that you love TVXQ.

There is not one thing that could make me love you less.

I won’t say that this was easy to admit. It was hard, Jaejoong. My head was telling me that I was being stupid. It was telling me that what I felt was wrong. But my heart...my heart was overflowing, rebelling against everything that I knew. I felt better when I listened to it, I felt fulfilled, I felt happy... I felt like Yunho when I loved you.

And I just want you back.

~

“This is the last of it.”

Yunho looked up from where he was analyzing some dance videos and saw Jaejoong standing in front of him holding a stack of books. While it was true that his wife had gotten most everything in the divorce, she had at least been courteous enough to send him his clothes and favorite possessions.

He nodded towards the bookshelf. “There’s still room.”

Jaejoong shifted on his feet awkwardly. “Are you sure about this?”

“About what?” Yunho asked, years of leader knowledge failing him in his hour of need.

“About. This. My stuff being here. Me being here.”

Yunho paused his video with a tap of his space bar and stared at Jaejoong over the rim of his glasses. “Would I have offered if I wasn’t okay with it?”

“Yes,” Jaejoong said, “You can’t say no and you’ve had a myriad of broken bones and twisted joints and pulled muscles to prove it.”

“While that’s a given,” Yunho allowed, several parts of his body cringing at Jaejoong’s words, “it’s not particularly related. You’re welcome here, Jaejoong. For however long you need or want, even if it’s forever. Okay?”

Jaejoong bit his lip and Yunho swallowed, crossing his legs and thinking very hard about ugly old women who could pass as men. Jaejoong seemed to deliberate for another few moments before walking over the bookshelf and plopping his composition textbooks into an empty space.

The ugly old women raced out of Yunho’s mind when Jaejoong walked over and sat himself down on Yunho’s lap to give him a hug.

“Thanks.”

Yunho could only hang on tight.

Entry 1,293

Jaejoong-ah. I was just about to write a very long rant but it can wait because I hear you pressing keys on my piano.

~

“They’re stuck in my head.”

Yunho sat gingerly beside Jaejoong on the piano bench as he repeatedly tinkered C E F in differing successions.

“They sound very nice.”

Jaejoong’s finger paused on the E. “It’s only three notes,” he scoffed, “not worth a compliment.”

Yunho contemplated saying something very sappy, like “everything you play deserves a compliment,” but he heard Yoochun snarling in his head so he didn’t. “Add another one then, so it’s four notes.”

“Four notes isn’t deserving of a compliment either,” Jaejoong grumbled, but he obliged Yunho by adding a D. The leader wasn’t a prolific composer, but he could harmonize if he wanted. So he did.

“Lame,” Jaejoong complained, and Yunho didn’t even care because his hand was swept away and Jaejoong played something a little more complicated and melancholy.

“There,” Yunho said, trying very hard not to focus on Jaejoong’s arm as it brushed past his stomach on it’s way to higher notes, “Beautiful.”

Jaejoong changed to a minor key and laughed to himself as the pleasant sounding melody became eerie. “I like it.”

“I don’t,” Yunho pouted, “You just ruined the first song we ever wrote together.”

“I didn’t ruin it. It would be perfect for a horror movie.”

Yunho poked him hard in his side. Jaejoong poked back. Before he could stop it, Yunho found himself writhing on the floor due to Jaejoong’s hands digging into his sides. It was more arousing than ticklish, but Yunho played along, swallowing a moan that almost escaped him before wrenching away.

Jaejoong was grinning. Yunho smiled back before directing Jaejoong back to the piano. “Have to get to the studio,” he said, still feeling Jaejoong’s hands on him, “I expect you to have at least half a song when I get back.”

Jaejoong rolled his eyes.

Yunho walked out, his heart swelling as he heard the tinkering of the piano in a major key.

Entry 1,301

Jaejoong-ah. You’re attacking my piano. I’m afraid that soon you will play it into dust. You barely leave it; it’s like Yoochun at his worst except it’s you, so I’m not really used to it. I had to force dinner on you today.

But, it’s a step, at least, and it pleases me. Almost as much as the rest of you does.

~

Yunho had always been a saver, everyone knew that, and so it hadn't been a surprise when he bought a nice one bedroom condo instead of a house. It had served him fine up until the past few weeks, when he had needed an extra bedroom but didn’t have one. In a way, this was a terrible thing. But it was also Very Nice, because it meant that Jaejoong had to sleep in his bed.

He hadn’t offered to sleep on the couch, or made Yunho sleep there. They woke tangled every morning, Jaejoong smiling and stretching, Yunho with a raging hard on. As much as he thought it was completely unfair, because he wasn’t fifteen anymore, he had been dreaming of this for the last half of his life. Or, at least the part about waking up next to Jaejoong; the rest of his fantasies had yet to be fulfilled and he wasn’t sure they ever would be.

Especially not with the way Jaejoong insisted on having conversations while in bed. All the time.

“Changmin called.”

“Mm.”

“Yunhee’s pregnant again.”

Yunho’s thoughts snapped away from the woes of his perpetual teenager state and he rolled over, staring hard. “When did he call?”

“While you were at the studio. He only wanted to talk to you, but I told him to stop being such a lame ass friend and tell me what he was so exited about. So he did. She’s three weeks along. He wants a boy. They’re really, really happy.”

“He deserves triplets. All girls,” Yunho pronounced immediately, “I hope he gets them.”

Jaejoong laughed, shaking the bed, and he slid closer, pulling at Yunho’s arm until the leader reluctantly slung it around Jaejoong’s mid section.

“We had just talked about it,” Jaejoong said and Yunho quirked an eyebrow.

“About triplets?” He asked, confused because he didn’t remember the conversation at all.

“Kids,” Jaejoong corrected, swinging his feet up in the air as he lay on his stomach. “We talked about having kids a few weeks before we fought.”

Oh.

“I guess it’s good that we didn’t have any. Made the split easier.”

“Yeah,” Yunho agreed.

They fell silent for awhile and Yunho zeroed in on how he could feel Jaejoong breathing. He thought that maybe Jaejoong had fallen asleep, and was about to pull his arm away and scoot towards the edge of the bed, when Jaejoong asked, tentatively, “So. Why haven’t you yet?”

“What?”

“Why haven’t you had those twenty-five kids you wanted?”

Oh yes. Those kids. Yunho remembered saying that. That had been his last, final attempt at denial.

“I--guess I haven’t found anyone worth sharing them with,” he answered carefully.

“Hello U-Know Yunho’s Press Answering Voice. You obviously have.”

Yunho winced.

“Because I love you, I won’t make you tell me. Yet.”

The words fried Yunho’s brain and he could only grunt a noncommittal response.

“Tch,” Jaejoong sniffed, and Yunho further lost his ability to think as Jaejoong snuggled nearer.

“Too late for this,” Yunho complained, trying to wiggle towards the edge of the bed, belatedly wondering what he meant by “this” and hoping that Jaejoong wouldn’t ask.

“It’s not late. We’ve filmed later than this, don’t be stupid,” he took a breath, “Am I finally annoying you? Are you sick of me? I can go stay with...with someone else.”

With Yoochun, Yunho’s mind supplied, “No, it’s fine. Just sleep. I’m exhausted.”

“You are sick of me,” Jaejoong accused, “I’m insulted.”

“I’m not,” Yunho groaned, cursing as Jaejoong crawled out from under his arm in order to straddle his back, “Ow.”

“Wimp,” Jaejoong bounced on top of him petulantly and Yunho tried to banish the images that the action brought to mind, “Admit it. You want me to leave.”

“I want you to get off my back and go to sleep.”

“Yunho,” Jaejoong said, and Yunho could feel the pout being directed at the back of his head.

“Jaejoong,” he said, in his best leader voice, “Get off of me. Now.”

There was a beat, and then he felt Jaejoong’s body weight slide off of him slowly. He turned his head to see Jaejoong sitting at the edge of the bed, frowning.

“I don’t want you to go,” Yunho reiterated, staring at Jaejoong’s face, “I love having you here,” he admitted quietly, “I love having you near me, I love hearing you play again, I...” he stopped himself before he went too far, “I don’t mind you staying here.”

“No pity party?” Jaejoong asked.

“Never,” Yunho shook his head, “I already told you that you can stay forever if you want or need. That hasn’t changed.”

“It will when you’re married with those twenty-five kids,” Jaejoong said doubtfully, sliding back underneath the covers.

“Maybe I’ve decided that I don’t want to get married.”

Jaejoong stiffened.

“Maybe I like the idea of just being with you.”

Jaejoong shoved him hard and Yunho didn’t have to worry that maybe he had said too much. “I’m going to sleep now,” Jaejoong pronounced.

“Mmm.”

Yunho waited until Jaejoong had arranged himself comfortably before leaning over and landing a wet smack on his cheek. He laughed as Jaejoong shrieked and whacked him several times with a pillow before settling down as far away as possible, moaning about his innocence.

Yunho hid his smile and dreamt of Jaejoong kissing him back.

Entry 1,315

Jaejoong-ah. Yiseul dropped off a bunch of crap today. You weren’t here, thankfully. I promise that I was courteous to her, even though all I wanted to do was punch her in the face. Now all I have to do is find a way to convince you that you don’t need to look through all the gifts you gave her.

~

There were three of them. Three ominous cardboard boxes in the middle of the room, neatly sealed with packing tape. Jaejoong sat down by one and pried it open. He stared at it a moment before pulling out a photo album, fingers brushing over the sepia photograph of him and Yiseul on the front of it. He turned the pages slowly as Yunho peered over his shoulder.

He flipped past Jinae tottering down the aisle with flowers, the other four members standing beside Jaejoong, Yoochun as his best man, the parents weeping, half of the entertainment world singing, and the kiss dubbed “unnecessarily long.”

Jaejoong slammed it shut. “I might burn this,” he said, laughing, and putting it to the side.

Yunho rested a chin on Jaejoong’s shoulder and squeezed his sides, “Next,” he prompted, “I’m liking the progress so far.”

Jaejoong sorted through expensive gifts that he had given, more pictures, sentimental letters and diaries, “She is such a jerk for giving all of this to you,” Yunho said, “I wish I had hit her. Hard. Right on her mouth.”

“She probably didn’t want to deal with it.”

“Doesn’t mean that she should let you.”

Jaejoong just sighed and opened the second box. More gifts. More letters. More crap. The third box was the same, though Jaejoong did keep one CD of songs that he had written just for her. “I’ll rewrite them, make them better,” he said, pulling out the handmade leaflet and tossing it back into the box, “Maybe let Junsu see if he wants any of them. Someone should profit from this mess.”

He settled back against Yunho, turning the CD in his hands.

“Not as bad as I thought it could be,” Yunho said, wrapping his arms around Jaejoong’s middle, “I am duly impressed.”

“I’ve realized that I have to forget her,” Jaejoong answered, “I still have lots of things I want to do, whether she’s there or not, and moping forever isn’t smart. I may be a blockhead but I at least know that.”

“I don’t think you’re a blockhead,” Yunho said, wondering when he had started rocking from side to side, Jaejoong’s breathing threatening to lull him to sleep.

He felt Jaejoong snort.

“So what are those things you want to do?” He asked, knowing that he shouldn’t press the name calling.

“Travel, obviously,” Jaejoong gusted, “and, I still want kids.”

“You can have some of mine,” Yunho half-joked, “I don’t think I can handle twenty-five.”

They giggled together, before Yunho continued, “We can travel if you want. Wherever you want to go.”

Jaejoong turned slightly and Yunho held himself perfectly still, afraid that if he moved he’d end up brushing their lips together, “Really?”

“Sure.”

“Paris?” Jaejoong asked, and Yunho nodded, “London? New York? Venice?”

“Whatever you want. Even Antarctica.”

Jaejoong laughed, “Penguins!”

“We’ll steal one,” Yunho promised, “Or two, so they can make baby penguins and we’ll have a little penguin family.”

Jaejoong was doubled over; Yunho didn’t know why it was so funny, but he was so pleased to see Jaejoong laughing that he continued the charade, planning out rooms and food and even clothing for the animals to wear.

“What happened to you?” Jaejoong gasped, “You-you were never this funny. You were never this--whatever it is you are.” He smiled and cupped Yunho’s cheeks with his hands.

Yunho just stared, his heart suddenly beating a million times a minute as Jaejoong leaned in to plant a kiss on his cheek. “Hey,” the leader pouted, his brain misfiring several times.

“Payback,” Jaejoong smirked. He dropped the CD back into the box. “Come on. Dishes!”

“I thought you wanted that,” Yunho gestured to the box, clumsily standing, stars still exploding in front of his eyes.

“Nah,” Jaejoong said, already walking out, “I don’t think listening to those would be a good decision. Besides which, they’re all crap anyway.”

Yunho shut the door, a grin suddenly breaking across his features, exuberant as the kiss sunk a little further into his mind. He jogged a bit and pulled Jaejoong into a hug, swinging him around, never more excited to do dishes in his entire life.

Entry 1,319

Jaejoong-ah. You were grinning mischievously when I left for the studio this morning. If I come home and find the apartment burnt down I’m going to be very upset.

Yunho came back from the studio to his condo smelling like dinner. “Jaejoong?”

“Kitchen,” came the answering yell, followed by the sounds of water running and pots banging on the stove.

Yunho danced to the music in his head, pleased with how the rehearsal had gone with his students, and sidled into the kitchen, intent on snagging a hug; Jaejoong had become increasingly touchy lately and it wasn’t something Yunho intended on discouraging. He stopped short when he realized that dinner was not their usual take out.

“Hi,” Jaejoong said brightly, wielding a pair of cooking chopsticks.

Yunho made a strangled sound in the back of his throat.

Jaejoong laughed.

“You cooked,” Yunho finally managed.

“Tired of ramyun,” Jaejoong shrugged, turning back to his pots with a flourish, “Thought I’d make dinner instead. Complaining?” He shot Yunho a look over his shoulder.

“No,” Yunho shook his head vigorously, his nose assailed with aromas he’d missed, “Never. I’m so excited. Oh my God, Jaejoong, you’re cooking.”

He enveloped a squawking Jaejoong in a hug and squeezed, his eyes threatening to brim over with tears. “You’re cooking,” he murmured again, refusing to let go even as Jaejoong yanked at his hair.

“Yes. Crybaby,” Jaejoong accused, “Let me go now or it will all burn.”

Yunho enjoyed another few seconds of Jaejoong pressed up against him before he let go, snagging a piece of meat deftly before making a dash for the bathroom. “Shower!” He yelled around it, his heart near bursting.

“Scrub hard!” Jaejoong yelled, “You stink!”

Entry 1,327

Jaejoong-ah. It’s been days since we’ve ordered take-out. I think my stomach is so happy it will leave me to live with you. Or maybe it’s my heart. I’m not sure which.

I don't know what's come over you, but I'm not going to complain about the immense amounts of snuggling and cooking that have taken over my life. I am in this perpetual state of bliss that is entirely your fault.

~

Yunho had quite honestly never been happier. He wanted to tell Jaejoong that, but he had consumed far too much alcohol to form coherent sentences. Jaejoong cuddling up to him was a definite indicator that he was also completely plastered.

Why haven’t we done this sooner? Yunho wondered thickly, as Jaejoong played with his hand, giggling like a schoolgirl as he traced the veins and lines in it.

“Pretty,” he slurred, “Pretty hands.”

“You’ve always liked hands,” Yunho said pressing his face into Jaejoong’s hair and smelling it, loving how it slid against his cheek.

Jaejoong turned his head to smile and Yunho could see his friend’s eyes trying to focus; a tell tale sign that he wouldn’t remember much of this in the morning. “Your hands,” he whispered, like it was a national secret.

“Yes, those are my hands,” Yunho laughed, taking one and patting Jaejoong’s head, “Well spotted.”

Jaejoong blinked at Yunho like he was stupid, and he wondered if he’d missed something. But then Jaejoong shrugged and turned his attention back to the movie, his fingers still tracing Yunho knuckles, his head falling onto Yunho’s shoulder.

Why do you do this to me? Yunho thought, unable to stop himself from resting his head against Jaejoong’s, to stop his heart from speeding up as he could feel each breath Jaejoong took. And he knew it was only his imagination when he felt Jaejoong press a little closer, squeeze his hand a little harder, and hold onto his arm a little tighter.

Just as he was about to drift off to sleep, because honestly, the movie was horribly dull, he felt something poke his cheek and he cracked an eye open to see Jaejoong reaching out to trace the scar under his eye.

“Jaejoong,” Yunho grumbled, trying to bat the fingers away.

Jaejoong laughed and leaned in, his lips brushing against the scar ever so softly. “Jae?”

It was difficult to breathe. Yunho couldn’t think past Jaejoong’s mouth, assailed with the smell of Jaejoong, the scent of wine thick and heavy around him. “Jaejoong,” Yunho gasped, urgent to pull away because he could feel his body responding and his hands shaking as Jaejoong’s tongue traced the damaged tissue. “Jae,” Yunho pleaded, their noses brushing, their foreheads sticking together, their lips touching, ever so lightly. Yunho couldn't even help himself, his hands slid up Jaejoong's sides and around his back, gripping hard.

“Say something,” Jaejoong mumbled, “Say something other than my name.”

Yunho swallowed as Jaejoong pressed in closer to kiss him again, swiping his tongue across Yunho's lips before pulling away, and Yunho took a moment to catch his breath. “What...what are you doing?”

He kicked himself, immediately thinking of a million other sentences that he could have whispered that would not have resulted in Jaejoong extracting himself to wobble drunkenly at the other end of the couch.

“Yoochun,” Jaejoong started, “Yoochun said...”

Yunho stared.

“He said,” Jaejoong sounded slightly panicked.

“He said what?” Yunho asked, wondering how he could coax Jaejoong back over to him, wondering if he was dreaming, wondering if it was possible to die from happiness. He reached out with his hands to pull

“He said,” Jaejoong whimpered, and stumbled to his feet, “It’s not...important. Just. Bed. I’ll be in bed. Sleeping,” he squeaked out the last word and ran. Very unsteadily.

“Jaejoong,” Yunho croaked, but the door to the bedroom had already shut. “What the hell,” he asked the main character of the movie who was sobbing in front of the Tokyo Tower. “What just happened?”

Predictably, she didn’t answer, her shoulders still heaving suspiciously as the camera dollied away. He rather felt like joining her.

~

Yunho woke with a pounding headache and a vague recollection of Jaejoong's lips. He thought he had dreamt it until he realized that he had passed out on the couch and that the cushion was covered in dried snot and tears where he had lain sobbing.

He sighed.

The DVD menu was still playing and he fumbled for the remote, shutting it off before collapsing back onto the couch. What to do?

He mulled over several options, none of them ending pleasantly, until he heard a bump from the bedroom and feet padding on the floor, finally walking out to where he sat.

"Yunho?" Jaejoong sounded very disoriented. "Did you sleep out here?"

He turned his head, pasting a smile on his face. "I guess so."

Jaejoong nodded and ran a hand through his hair, "You look like shit," he commented, "I guess we drank a little too much." He frowned. "I didn't do anything stupid, did I?"

Yunho swallowed as his memory was flooded with the feel of Jaejoong's lips. "No," he managed, "Not that I recall."

"Good," Jaejoong sounded relieved, “I can't remember much."

"You were fine," Yunho assured him, suddenly feeling sick.

"Coffee?" Jaejoong asked.

"Yes, please," Yunho smiled, standing and heading towards the bathroom, intent on showering away any remnants of the evening.

It's better if he doesn't remember, Yunho told himself as the hot water pounded onto his back, It's so much better.

Entry 1,332

Jaejoong-ah. I thought you were forgetting.

~

There hadn’t been a gourmet meal for a week. Jaejoong wouldn’t explain it, and Yunho had stopped asking. His nose desperately wished to smell something cooking when he walked through the door but it didn’t. “Jae?”

There was no answer, but Yunho found his band mate warming up meat in the kitchen.

“Hi,” Yunho said softly, and Jaejoong raised his head to offer a smile. Yunho reached out to grasp his shoulder, but Jaejoong turned away before they could touch. Yunho rather thought that it was on purpose but he couldn’t be sure. And therefore he couldn’t really be mad.

“Good day?” Jaejoong asked, and he sounded happy, despite all outwards appearances.

“Yeah. What can I do?”

“Rice,” Jaejoong jerked his thumb towards the abandoned cartons and Yunho pulled them over, dumping a little bit on the plates already set out. He shuffled around Jaejoong in search of chopsticks and he did not walk slower as he passed Jaejoong, and was not trying to breathe in his scent just in case he forgot it sometime in the near future.

They ate in almost perfect silence, Yunho cracking a few jokes about the quality of the rice and Jaejoong making fun of his taste. Yunho imagined that for anyone on the outside looking in, it would seem picture perfect. Perhaps it would even seem stereotypical, he mused, as Jaejoong dropped more rice onto his plate, and maybe it was. Honestly, he didn’t care. For a little while, Jaejoong was his, and that was all that mattered to him.

They cleaned monotonously before Yunho waved a DVD case in front of Jaejoong’s face and they sat down to watch it.

Jaejoong didn’t curl up next to Yunho or lace their fingers together. Yunho tried to scoot closer but Jaejoong leaned away subtly and Yunho felt his heart drop into his stomach because this wasn’t supposed to happen.

He had no idea what the movie was about, too intent on Jaejoong’s steady breathing and his attempts at avoiding Yunho’s searching hand. Honestly, he just wanted a little reassurance, a little smile, something to show him that all the progress Jaejoong had made wasn’t disintegrating in front of Yunho’s very eyes.

The credits were rolling and neither of them had moved to shut them off. They stared at the screen, allowing the music to speak the words they were both trying to find.

“Why are you doing this?” Yunho finally asked.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jaejoong stood, shutting off the TV and the DVD player.

“Jaejoong, I’m serious. What happened? Did you see her? Did you listen to that CD? Talk to me.”

“What? I’m not--no, Yunho. No.”

Yunho watched helplessly as Jaejoong stalked from the room, the sounds of tea cups tinkling from the kitchen. Yunho plodded after him, determined.

“She isn’t coming back,” Yunho said from the doorway, folding his arms across his chest.

Jaejoong glared, whamming a cupboard door shut.

“You have to move on, Jaejoong. She doesn’t love you anymore, and you have to stop this. You have got to stop this because you’re killing yourself.” You’re killing me, Yunho added desperately in his head, wishing he could send the words into Jaejoong’s subconscious.

“I’m not,” Jaejoong hissed, tea entirely forgotten.

“Jaejoong, please.”

“I know she’s gone,” Jaejoong yelled. The teacup flew from his hands and neither of them blinked as it shattered against the wall. “You don’t have to tell me! You don’t have to rub it in!”

“Then what is it?” Yunho asked, very near shouting himself, “What is it, Jaejoong? You were fine. You were cooking, you were composing, you were going out...what the fuck happened?”

Jaejoong stared at him, swallowed several times, “It’s nothing. It’s not important. Just forget it.”

“How am I supposed to forget it? How can I, when I can see that you still hurt.”

Jaejoong’s fist slammed into the countertop and this time Yunho did jump.

He walked over and they had a small tussle before Yunho was able to successfully land his hands on Jaejoong’s shoulder. “Cut it out,” he said forcefully, “Whatever the hell it is, put a stop to it because I can’t bear to see you like this anymore.”

Jaejoong twisted away and stalked into Yunho’s bedroom, shutting the door loudly. Yunho took a few shuddering breaths before walking back into the living room.

He fell asleep on the couch, pretending to not hear Jaejoong call Yoochun to cry.

Entry 1,333

Jaejoong-ah. When I woke up this morning, you were gone. I thought that maybe you would come back, but then Yoochun showed up and punched me in the face and I realized that you had left for good. I wonder if this is how you felt. I think I know now why you didn’t want any ice.

God it hurts, Jae. It really fucking hurts.

~

"You're really dumb. You know that, right? I mean, you were pretty awesome as a leader and whatever, but you're really the stupidest person ever."

Yunho twirled his sheets and pouted, even though Changmin couldn't see. "Changmin. Just tell me if he's safe. I know he's with Yoochun."

"Just so you know, because of your idiocy I've been forced to ask Yoochun to be my son's future godfather. If the spawn of my loin turns out to be an emo piano player it is all your fault."

Yunho held the phone away from his face and stuck his tongue out at it. "Changmin. Safe or not?"

There was a long-suffering sigh on the other end of the line, and then Yunho heard Changmin say something to Jinae. "Changmin," Yunho whined.

"Aish. Fine. Yes, he's safe. No, he's not better, he's worse, and that is because you are a horrible person. I have to go, Jinae is trying to make dinner and I'm afraid she's going to burn the house down."

"Bye," Yunho said weakly, and his only response was Changmin's half exasperated: "Jinae, don't touch the-" before the line went dead.

Yunho spent a good five minutes staring up at the ceiling before dialing Junsu.

"You're an asshole."

"Hi Junsu," Yunho pretended that he didn't hear Junsu's greeting, "How's your tour going?"

"It was great up until Jaejoong called me in tears. How could you be such a dick? After everything he's been through?"

"But I didn't do anything," Yunho wailed, and proceeded to kick around on his his bed for a few seconds. There were times that he missed being a toddler. Tantrums always made everything easier.

"Jaejoong does not cry for hours over nothing. You did something, you complete idiot, and you had better figure it out soon."

"Why is this my life?" Yunho moaned.

There was a moment of silence before Junsu said, "Are you eating well?"

"If takeout can be considered well, then yes," Yunho said into his pillow, uncaring that Junsu probably couldn't hear him very well. "I miss him, Junsu. It's been two weeks. I miss his dinners and his smiles and coming home to his singing and piano playing and…god, Junsu, it's killing me."

Junsu didn't say anything.

For lack of anything else to do, and finally having reached his breaking point, Yunho broke down into tears. He cried for a full ten minutes before he heard Junsu begin to sing softly to him. His voice wasn't quite the same via electronic airwaves, but Yunho still found it soothing and fell asleep to it, emotionally and physically drained.

Entry 1,345

I really would have taken you to Paris. You should know that.

~

Three weeks, four days, five hours, and a few minutes since Jaejoong had left, Yunho had an epiphany. He realized that throughout the whole divorce, he had stayed by Jaejoong's side, hugged him, comforted him, allowed him to drink himself into oblivion, all the while wishing that Jaejoong would see him.

Yunho had seen that Jaejoong was single again, that he wasn't married, and that maybe U-know Yunho had a fighting chance. He thought that maybe he could wiggle his way into Jaejoong's heart now that the wife was gone.

Except that she hadn't been gone and he tried to anyway. And now, Jaejoong was gone and Yunho couldn't do anything about it.

He wished that he could take it all back.

He whipped out his phone and sent a lengthy text message to Changmin, Junsu, and Yoochun, explaining that perhaps he had figured out what he had done wrong.

You’re still an asshole, came back immediately from Changmin, along with a picture of Jinae frowning disapprovingly at him. Junsu sent him a :| face, which Yunho found extraordinarily unhelpful. And rude. Paragraphs of text deserved paragraphs of text in return. Yunho had to wait several minutes for Yoochun’s response, and when it did come, Yunho almost cried.

That’s actually not it, dick face. But now that you’ve pointed it out, you’re even more of a loser than before. See if I ever let you near Jaejoong again. Have a nice life.

Yunho threw his phone against the wall in utter despair.

Entry 1,348

Jaejoong-ah. It’s so lonely here. I keep thinking of you. I keep seeing you, wherever I turn, whomever I see. Do you remember how long you slept with a space to your side? That is me now. I haven’t even changed my sheets because I don’t want them to lose your scent.

I keep hoping that you’ll come back. I keep waiting for you, even though you don’t know it. I’m such an idiot because of it, but I can’t help it.

Is this how you feel about her? Knowing that you’re stupid for wishing that she’d step back into your life and yet be unable to stop yourself from wanting it? I think, maybe, I understand you a little better now. I understand more of what you went through.

Because of that, I realize how inadequate I was. And I’m sorry. I wish that you’d give me the chance to apologize. To tell you.

God, Jaejoong, I’m so

~

The pen fell away from Yunho's hand as he heard a key in the lock and heavy footfalls stomping through the kitchen, and then the living area.

He had barely managed to get up from his desk when Jaejoong burst into the room, hands on his hip, blowing hair away from his flushed cheeks. "You," he started.

Yunho blinked.

"You are an idiot," Jaejoong said, stabbing a finger in the air, "A complete and total moron and I hate you."

Yunho swallowed. "I," he started, and then licked his lips and tried to think of a response.

"Also," Jaejoong continued, "You are blind."

But, Yunho wanted to say, I can see you. In front of me. All hot and bothered and so goddamn sexy.

“Do I really have to say it out loud?” Jaejoong demanded, hand back on his hip.

"What are you talking about?" Yunho asked, confused because Jaejoong was mad at him and not supposed to be talking to him. And Yoochun was supposed to keep them apart. That was the bit that Yunho was most confused about.

"That!" Jaejoong practically screeched, "Your cluelessness! Your bullheadedness! You thinking that no one understands how you feel, you complete asshole."

Yunho acknowledged, with a nod of his head, that he was a first class asshole.

"Don't just agree with me because I'm upset!"

"I'm not," Yunho raised his hands defensively, "I'm not at all. You're right. I was a jerk to you. I’m sorry.”

"Oh my God,” Jaejoong ground his teeth. “I came here because Yoochun said you’re stupid and I hoped that maybe seeing me would make you smarter, but here I am and you’re still stupid. Jung Yunho, do I have to do everything?”

Yunho stared.

Jaejoong stomped closer, and Yunho's functioning brain cell count dropped to about three as he was kissed full on the mouth. He thought his heart would speed right out of his chest. Kissing was so much better when you weren't drunk off your ass.

"You're an idiot," Jaejoong reiterated when he let go, except his tone of voice was soft and affectionate. Yunho could only stare. "You're an idiot and I love you so much for it."

"You kissed me." Yunho cupped Jaejoong's cheeks with his palm, amazed that after all these years, his skin was still perfect.

Jaejoong gripped Yunho's arms hard enough to leave marks. "That's what you get."

"Retaliation?" Yunho asked, not understanding in the least how this had happened, but not really caring, "Tell me what I did so I can do it again."

"Penguins. Because you said we could get penguins," Jaejoong explained, "Because you said you'd take me to Paris and Rome. Because we wrote a song and because you-" his voice broke and Yunho swallowed, "because you loved me so much and I didn't see it, because you made me eat food when I wanted to starve myself and you let me drink until I passed out, because you laughed at me and held me and let me use your shirts as tissues for months and months..."

A small bit of hope ignited in Yunho's chest and he held his breath.

"Because when I kissed you, I could see that you wanted it. I could feel it," Jaejoong barely whispered, "and it scared me so much. I didn't--I didn't want to fail again. I didn't want to lose you. I thought that if I just stepped away I'd forget it. I'd..." He paused to gulp in some air, looking anywhere but at Yunho's face.

"You," Yunho began, "You remember that?"

Jaejoong nodded, "I thought--you didn't want it. I thought," he ran a hand through his hair, "I was scared," he finally continued, "So scared. I know you thought I was still despairing over Yiseul,“ He met Yunho's eyes and the guilt started to seep into the pit of Yunho's stomach “But it wasn't about her. It wasn't, Yunho."

Had this been a variety show, or a drama, Yunho was sure an animated lightbulb would have appeared above his head. Jaejoong had left not because he was thinking of his wife but because he was thinking of...

"I'm an asshole," Yunho whispered, horrified with himself.

"As I said," Jaejoong nodded, and punched Yunho’s arm for good measure.

"I am a complete and utter idiot," Yunho groaned.

"You are."

"I'm so sorry," Yunho wondered if he should grovel at Jaejoong's feet. "Tell me what to say. Tell me what to do to make it better."

Jaejoong closed the distance between them to press yet another kiss to his mouth, “You could kiss me back," he murmured, his arms inching up Yunho's torso.

Oh. Right.

This time, Yunho kissed him properly. He felt Jaejoong squeeze him tight and he marveled at how the other man felt against him, so different than all the other times their arms had circled around one another. There were no tears, there was no sadness, no reason to hold Jaejoong other than the fact that they both wanted to be held. And damn it all if it wasn't the best sensation in the entire world.

The tingling started in Yunho's stomach and spread slowly until he shook with his emotion, unable to tear himself away from Jaejoong's lips but unable to fortify his mind against the emotions that overcame him.

"My heart," he finally whispered, "God, Jaejoong, what are you doing to my heart?"

"Good things," Jaejoong insisted, kissing his cheeks, his eyelids, and anything within his reach.

"I must be dreaming,” Yunho whispered, trying to calm his racing pulse, grasping at Jaejoong with his hands, sure he was going to disappear at any second.

"You're not," Jaejoong promised.

The tingling reached his toes before Yunho let out a quiet sob and squeezed back. Every pang of his heart healing, every word he had written finally meaning something, every emotion he had suppressed brimming to the surface of his mind and spilling over. Jaejoong liked him. Maybe even loved. He could have shouted had he not been preoccupied with tears.

Jaejoong just held him tight.

Entry 1,349

Jaejoong-ah. I think I am the happiest man alive.

~

“What are you writing?”

Yunho slammed his journal shut. “Nothing.”

“Liar,” Jaejoong came around the side of the chair to pout, “I saw my name all over the page.”

Yunho hesitated, “I don’t want to tell you right now.”

The pout didn’t disappear and Jaejoong’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. Yunho couldn’t even fathom what Jaejoong might be thinking. “Please?” Jaejoong tried.

“No.”

“But I’m curious.”

Yunho swallowed. “Fine. It’s a journal. Thing. Okay?”

Jaejoong perked up, “You keep a journal?”

Kept, Yunho thought, because now that he could talk to Jaejoong about everything there was no need to write about it, “Sort of, yes. Happy?”

“I want to read it.”

“You’re not going to read my journal, Jaejoong.”

“Please?”

Yunho wondered how many times he was going to have to say no. He shoved the journal into a draw and and grabbed Jaejoong’s hand. “Weren't you cooking dinner?”

"Weren't you supposed to never keep secrets from me again?" Jaejoong shot back.

“It’s not a secret?” Yunho tried, going for innocent.

Jaejoong rolled his eyes and pulled him out the door, “Have it your way,” he complained, and Yunho grinned, grabbing Jaejoong’s ass as he bolted into the kitchen because, oh yes, he liked his way very much.

Entry 1,350

Yunho-yah. First of all, I can’t believe that you wrote all this. Second, you are silly and stupid for never telling me. Third, I love you.

Fourth.

Shit. I’m not a writer. Just come and talk to me.

~

Jaejoong was sleeping when Yunho shuffled into the room after a particularly grueling practice. He went to the bed to absentmindedly kiss the mop of hair peeking out of a mound of pillows before sitting down at his desk. He had no energy, but he wanted to write one more entry.

He shuffled his papers around before remembering that he had stuffed it in a drawer earlier, and he opened it, pulling the diary out and reaching for a pen as he flipped the pages open.

He started to write Entry 1,351 before he realized that the handwriting at the top of the page did not belong to him. He blinked at it, hoping that if he stared long enough it would disappear.

Jaejoong . The name came easily enough. He read the entry five times before it sank into his mind that Jaejoong had read his entire journal. All his doubts, all his frustrations, all his misgivings, all the times he said I love you.

Just come and talk to me.

Yunho sighed. Well. There was no avoiding it.

He stood up while simultaneously shutting off the light. He shucked his clothes in record time and slid under the covers, wrapping an arm around Jaejoong and pressed another kiss to the top his head. "Hey."

Jaejoong didn't move and Yunho suddenly knew that Jaejoong had been awake this entire time. Yunho poked his sides viciously until Jaejoong wiggled uncomfortably. Yunho took a breath to shout his victory but proceeded to accidentally snort a feather up his nose and sneezed until he couldn’t breathe properly.

But it was alright. Somehow, Jaejoong laughing into his mouth, Jaejoong pulling him close for a kiss, Jaejoong breathlessly gasping his name, Jaejoong everywhere that mattered and everywhere that didn't was just right.

It was just the way it was supposed to be.

Poll Round 12: All I've Got (TEAM FUTURE)