Let's Return To The Good Times (Chapter 2)
The pain that he felt, the longing he felt, the sadness he felt. Did they feel it too? Will they be 13 again? Wil they be the brothers they once were?
Listen to Fairy Tales by Yiruma while reading
Warning: There’s cursing.
The members clustered together a few meters outside the dreaded room. Leeteuk sitting down with his head hidden in his hands, slouched over, shoulders shaking with sobs. Kangin had his arm around the umma of the group, whispering nonsensical stuff into his ear as he drew circles on the leader’s back, trying to calm the depressed leader. Yet, his own eyes brimmed with tears that threatened to overflow. Donghae sat on the floor, leaning against Leeteuk’s legs, his eyes closed, with Eunhyuk lying on his lap, arms over his eyes as the tired boy (i refuse to call them men here. makes them sound like 40 plus) drowned himself in his own thoughts. Hankyung and Heechul sat next to them, the Cinderella leaning against the Chinese man’s chest, eyes drooping slowly, as sleep threatened to overcome him. He had been tired out from the excitement of seeing Hankyung again and seeing Kyuhyun attempt suicide. Siwon sat on Heechul’s left. one hand on his back. while another hand clutching Leeteuk’s own hand. Across them, Sungmin tried to console the sniffling Ryeowook, pulling him into a hug occasionally and murmuring encouragement to him. Kibum just went around handing out tissues, before taking his place besides Yesung, who had sat next to Ryeowook, and leaned his head on his hyung’s shoulders, who had been staring into space all this while. Shindong just stood next to the window, sighing every now and then.
Whenever a doctor walked past them, they would all look up in expectation, expecting to see the familiar yet kinda unwelcome face, heads drooping back down as their hopes were crushed.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. That’s all they were doing. That 8 hours of waiting were the hardest moments in their life.
~ Flashback ~
“KYUHYUN!!!!!!!!”
All the members could do is to freeze in fear as they watched their beloved maknae disappear from their sight of view, over the roof. Thoughts of guilty, thoughts of fear, thoughts of self-berating flew around each of their heads, as their eyes struggled to process what was happening in front of them. Processing, yet denying.
Their maknae had jumped off the roof.
~ Flashback ~
Leeteuk shook head in an attempt to clear his head of the very scene. The scene which kept replaying itself in his head. The scene which he had seen his very own beloved maknae committing suicide. The scene which has convinced him that he has failed yet again. Failed as the leader.
I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I actually notice all the pain he had been carrying? Why didn’t I notice that he was breaking? Why didn’t I play my part of being a leader properly? I had failed when Hankyung left SM. Now I have failed yet again when my maknae had tried to commit suicide.
Am I no longer suited for this job? Leeteuk, you stupid, idiotic, moronic, bastard of a leader. You were supposed to be a leader, supposed to protect your dongsaengs, supposed to be there for them. Yet why are you so useless? Why am I so useless? I can’t do anything except to sit here and cry.
Kangin noticing his leader’s emotional struggle with himself, pulled the latter closer to him, whispering encouraging words or nonsensical sentences, no one knows, to Leeteuk, in an attempt to try and distract his hyung from his depressing thought. Leeteuk looked up into Kangin’s eyes, before turning away in disgust, not wanting to see the guilt of his own eyes that was mirrored in his dongsaeng’s eyes. But what he did not know was that, Kangin’s own eyes were carrying the guilt also. In fact, all 12 of the Super Junior members were too. He pulled the umma closer to him, urging him to sleep. Leeteuk complied, tired out by his mental berating, but not before telling Kangin to do the same thing, as he fell asleep with the thought that he would become a better leader for Kyuhyun, for Super Junior.
Noticing the shift in the position of the boy that he had been leaning on, Donghae shifted along with it, disturbing the usually hyperactive monkey that had been resting his head on his lap. Eunhyuk sat up slowly, dragged away from his thoughts by the sudden movement. He murmured an apology under his breath for borrowing his best friend’s lap, as he adjusted himself into an more comfortable position. Donghae looked at his friend and shook his head, smiling wearily, before resuming his position - leaning against Leeteuk’s leg, and closing his eyes.
Donghae never really liked the hospital. He didn’t like ANYTHING related to the hospital in fact. He didn’t like the ambulance, whose noisy whining sound he had come to hate, yet appreciated grudgingly a few hours ago.
The white walls. The smell of sanitizers. The faceless figures walking around in white. The smell of death lingering in the ICU. The red light of the operation room that showed it was in use. The squeaking sound of the trolley as a nurse wheeled it down the corridor. The clicking sounds of the heels of the doctors. They were all getting to him, unnerving him, making him feel like he wanted to dig a hole somewhere and bury himself in it.
But what he always hated the most, no matter which hospital, no matter when it was, no matter the situation, was the face that the doctor wore when he came out of the operation room or a patient’s room. The face that showed that the doctor had failed to do his job properly. The face that the doctor wore when he delivered the most heartbreaking news to the family members and friends. The face which he had seen once, which brought his whole world crushing down. The face which he never wanted to see again. (To those who didn’t get it, it’s the face the doctor has when he tells people somebody they cared for has died).
Donghae didn’t like the hospital any further than did he welcome the idea of being denied the role of a dancer. It reminded him of his dad. His dad who he couldn’t see again. His dad who he couldn’t perform in front again. His dad who he couldn’t call whenever he was in a dilemma. So being here, AGAIN in the hospital, in a helpless position, disgusted himself.
~ Flashback ~
“What the shit? Why did you change the channel? I was watching it!” Heechul’s scream could be heard from there all the way to the first floor.
“But hyung... I don’t like the channel. It’ all about fashion and stuff.” Donghae pouted, attempting to use his aegyo to ease the raging diva in front of him, as he scurried to the end of the room, along with the remote control in his hand.
Apparently, it failed. “And you think that I would LIKE to watch Care Bears????!!!!!!” Another shriek echoed throughout the dorm, as if with the intention of breaking anyone’s ear drum within a 5m radius.
“It’s not Care Bears hyung... It’s called the Invasion of Planet- “
“I don’t care!!!!!!!!!! You’ll pay for this, Lee Donghae.”
“Kyuhyun ah! Save me!” Donghae yelled as he dashed behind the group’s maknae, who had just finished recording a song for SM’s The Ballad, using him like a shield.
“Lee Donghae. Get back here this instant else I’ll personally skin you alive!”
Donghae gulped. “Kyuhyun ah!!! Please help me.”
“Hmph. I doubt Kyu can even save himself from Heechul’s wrath.” Kangin smirked as he walked past the living room, taking in the scene.
“Heechul hyung. Please stop chasing Donghae hyung.” Kyuhyun said wearily as Heechul came into his line of vision.
He didn’t want to deal with this. He was tired, with no energy to even retort back to Kangin as usual. All he wanted to do was to go to his room, lock the damn door and lie down on the bed. It had been a bad day for him. He had been screamed at by the director (i have no idea what the person in charged of recording the music is called) for not “putting in his best effort and stop treating this like a game.” He hadn’t been able to sing his lines properly today, often having coughs breaking in between. The truth was, Kyuhyun was down with a terrible cough and a sore throat today. But being the hardworking person he is, he didn’t want to delay the release of the new song but calling in sick and then, disappointing the eager fans.
Heechul, Donghae and Kangin frowned at Kyuhyun’s sudden use of formalities and lack or retort, but they labeled it as the maknae being tired. They watched as Kyuhyun climbed the stairs and went into his room, shutting the door before all three returned to their own activities, the initial fight between Donghae and Heechul forgotten.
~ Flashback~
Why? Why am I so useless? I should have noticed it. I should have noticed it since Hankyung left, his breakdown since Hankyung left. No. I should have noticed Kyuhyun breaking down way before that. From the time when he started wearing long sleeves to cover up his scars, from the time when he had started to become quiet, never even bothering to retort with a snarky remark, from the time when he started playing Starcraft more. Why? I promised myself that I didn’t want to lose somebody close to me. That I will do anything to prevent that. It hasn’t even been 2 years and I’m breaking that promise already.
Eunhyuk looked up in surprise, as he felt tremors from the boy next to him. The fishy had drawn his knees up to his chest, head burrowed in between, entire body shaking as sobs ran through his body. Eunhyuk knew of the mental struggle that his best friend. He knew that Donghae was feeling guilty, all of them are, but the death of his father being in a hospital had added onto that stress. He knew, without words being spoken. That’s why they were called Eunhae.
Eunhyk shifted slightly over. Taking the boy into his arms, he whispered soothingly, “Shh... It’s ok Hae. Just let it out all out. All of it.”
That did it. Donghae’s dam broke and he sobbed into his best friend’s arms, wetting his shirt. But at that moment, neither of them cared.
~ Flashback ~
Crash!
The loud sound has jerked all of them out of their daze, and they hurried over the railing, that was just separating them from the empty space below, leaning over as far as they dared too.
Upon seeing the sight below, they breathed a sigh of relief, which was ironic given the situation that they were in now. But the sight below them showed that they still had a chance to make things right.
Well actually, not really. But it was better than seeing Kyuhyun’s corpse. He had fallen onto an extending roof, two floors down. not dead yet, but will soon be if help doesn’t arrive soon. But still, the red liquid that was pooling around his head was NOT a pretty side. It reminded Donghae of a scene in a zombie movie which he had watched not long ago. The scene where the hero crushed the zombie’s head and blood splatter all around, like a blood red flower that was desperately blooming.
~ Flashback ~
Ryeowook shuddered as the scene replayed itself like a cassette tape in his mind, unconsciously clinging onto Sungmin even more. His shoulders were shaking badly, at this point of time, if some one gave him a cup to hold, he probably would have just dropped it within a minute. That was how bad he was shaking. Sungmin took a deep breath and sighed, attempting to calm his frantic thumping heart down. Oh, how he long to break down and cry along with Ryeowook, but no. He had reached this conclusion a long time ago. Ok, Not really a long time ago, but a few hours back, when they had found Kyuhyun on the roof. He had to be strong, for Wookie, for the rest of his members, but most of all, for Kyuhyun.
“Shh....... Wookie. It’s not your fault. It’s not....” Sungmin whispered into Ryeowook’s ear as he embraced the younger boy in an even tighter hug. He ran a reassuring hand up and down the eternal maknae’s back, hushing him every now and then.
“But hyung... I couldn’t even figure out that Kyuhyun was breaking. We are so close in age.... But I still couldn’t figure it out.... Hyung... I’m such a bad hyung. I didn’t even make time for Kyuhyun!” Ryeowook hiccuped as he poured out his guilt. He felt bad.
Why didn’t I notice it? I should have spend more time with him! I should have make him go out and play instead of shutting himself in the dance practice room. He’s too young to shoulder so much stress... and yet....
“No, Wookie. It’s my fault as much as yours. In fact it was our fault. Our fault for being too selfish. For not having time for one another.” Sungmin croaked out, his voice finally breaking under the stress that he had placed on himself to control his emotions.
Kyuhyun... I’m such a selfish hyung... I didn’t even bother to make time to eat dinner with you. To even quarrel with you... I’m sorry. I have failed as a best friend and a hyung.
~ Flashback ~
Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........ Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........
The phone ran insistently in the dorm.
“Teukie hyung! Can you get the phone!” Kangin yelled from the living room.
“I’m trying to sort out our schedules for tomorrow! Why can’t you get the phone!” Leeteuk yelled from where he was sitting in the kitchen, a bunch of papers spread out of in front of him.
“Can’t! I’m watching television.” Came back the retort. Kangin and Heechul was sprawled out on the sofa as they flipped through channel trying to find something nice to watch.
“I’m cooking food!” Ryeowook shouted from the kitchen before anyone could shout for him. “Yesung is helping me!” He added as an afterthought, thanks to a glare from the older man.
“Shindong and Sungmin went out for goodness knows what. And Siwon that gym freak went out to the gym. So don’t bother calling for them.” Kangin shouted. “Oh, and don’t bother to call Heechul. He locked himself up in the room.”
Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........ Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........
“Fine! I’ll get the damn phone.” Kibum finally said as he reluctantly detached himself from the cozy armchair that he was sitting on and his book.
“Hello?... Um.... No, he’s not home..... What? You don’t know?.... DBSK? ..... Not?!...... You can’t?..... Ok. We’ll try....”
Kibum hanged up the phone as he took a deep breath in to calm himself. The hyungs in the dorm turned to look at their youngest (at that moment in the dorm) who’s voice had risen up in an octave subconsciously nearing the end of the phone call.
“Kyuhyun has disappeared. The manager can’t call him since 3 hours ago. It’s 4pm. His recording should have ended at 1pm. He’s not at DBSK’s dorm or anywhere else.” Kibum answered in return to his hyungs’ questioning gazes.
“What? He’s not anywhere? We’ll go look for him!” Leeteuk’s umma mode kicked in, as he received 9 glares saying “Of course. Do you even have to stop and think that?” All of them rushed to get their jackets and valuables before heading out.
“Oi. Teukie. Isn’t that Kyuhyun?” The sudden mention of the real maknae’s name froze everyone in their footsteps. They hurriedly turned to the television.
“Now. We’re outside SM’s building. Isn’t it a wonderful place? This is where their idols.....” The newscaster’s live report was drowned out by them as they stared at the screen. True. Kyuhyun was there. In the back ground of the scene. It wasn’t that clear but the members could still that it was their beloved maknae. What surprised them was that Kyuhyun was standing startlingly near the edge, wearing a tired look on his face as he gazed into the horizon.
“Don’t tell me he’s planning to .....” Yesung murmured out the thoughts in everyone’s mind. There was a creepy 5 seconds silence, before everyone scrambled for the door, determined to get to their maknae as fast as possible, while Leeteuk phoned their missing five members.
~ Flashback ~
Kibum leaned back in the seat, arms over his eyes as he tried his best to forget about the reality. About the fact that Kyuhyun almost died. About the fact that Kyuhyun had attempted suicide. About that Kyuhyun was in a critical condition while the rest of them could only helplessly sit outside the operation room and wait.
How he wished that he never answered that phone call. But yet, he was still thankful though. It was because he answered that phone call, that Kyuhyun was still here with them, although not conscious. So near yet so far.
“Oh god.. I wish that we could go back to the time when we first debut.” The moment the sentence came out of Yesung’s mouth, Kibum froze, his mind wandering back to the times when they first had their taste of fame.
They were so happy then. Everything was alright. Everything. They loved each other as brothers, and made time for each other, no matter what. But now... Things were so different.
“Kibum ah....” The soft voice of Yesung had penetrated into his train of thoughts. “Do you think there’s still a chance of things going back to how they were when Kyuhyun wakes up?”
When. Kibum was glad that Yesung had used the word ‘When’, not ‘If’, as that would break his heart even more.
“I don’t know hyung...” He replied honestly. “I don’t know.”
“But trying doesn’t hurt does it.” Kibum looked at Yesung in surprise, surprised by the amount of hope that that single sentence contained. Yesung’s eyes, sparkled with hope and confidence, but also tinted with specks of guilt.
Kibum had never felt this grossed out before. On how they had neglected their maknae for the sake of work and fame. He promise himself to never do that again, and he was sure that Yesung felt that way too.
“No hyung. It doesn’t hurt to try.”
~ Flashback ~
Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-oo! Wee-oo!
Heechul, like Donghae, had originally hated the ambulance siren, but now it was like music to his ears. He stepped back from the railing quickly, not wanting to see Kyuhyun in that state. Helpless. Weak. Breaking. He swore that he would never want to see Kyuhyun like that, after the 2007 car accident. But like Dong Hae, he was breaking his promise.
He watched silently as the paramedics quickly loaded Kyuhyun into the ambulance, his mind to numb to fully process what his eyes were seeing
“Hmm.. Excuse me. But only one of you can come and accompany your friend in the ambulance.” The paramedic stuttered hesitantly. Heechul wanted to punch her. ‘Your friend’ has a name damn it. He’s called Kyuhyun. And he’s more than a friend. He’s our beloved maknae. Our younger brother whom we all cherished. Or did we?
But Heechul knew that venting out the anger on the paramedic wouldn’t wake Kyuhyun up. In fact, it MIGHT cause the situtation to worsen and Heechul wasn’t taking a risk like that.
“I’ll go. The rest can follow in the vans. Kangin, Leeteuk, Yesung, Kibum, Shindong, in one van. The rest of them in the other.” Heechul ordered, seeing that the crying leader was in no state to give orders, and as being the second eldest, it was only his right to do it.
The members nodded before they left to board the vans as quickly as possible. Heechul himself went into the ambulance, sat down, and looked towards the sight, refusing to see Kyuhyun’s bloodied figure.
Hankyung watched as the ambulance drove away with his best friend and the maknae.
“Ok guys. You heard him. We have to get going as soon possible.” Hankyung took charge. Like the natural leader he was, he guided Kangin and his group into their van before boarding his own.
He had to say that he was impressed by Heechul. Heechul went with Kyuhyun as he was the only one who could maintain a calm figure without crying. So could Sungmin and Kibum, but they have to be there to provide support for their hyungs.”
~ Flashback ~
Hankyung took a deep breath in to calm himself as he held Heechul protectively. He knew that the toll had taken on Heechul much more than it had on any other member. Heechul had to deal with losing a best friend and a brother, the same as the rest of the members. But what Heechul had to face further was coming back to an empty dorm. Coming back with no one to greet him happily. No one to argue with. No one to wake him up in the morning with the aromatic smell of Beijing fried rice. The list could go on forever. Basically, when Hankyung left, a part of Heechul’s heart left along with him. Seeing Kyuhyun jump had broke him.
Hankyung had no choice. He didn’t wanted to leave Super Junior but SM was driving him nuts. He hasn’t been given a break in 2 whole years straight. If that goes on, he might die thanks to stress. The decision took him a long time to make and it almost broke his heart.
Kyuhyun.... Hyung is so sorry for being so weak. Hyung should have stayed...... Hyung should have... Ge hen dui bu qi! Ru guo zhi dao le ni ze me xin ku. Ge bu hui zou de. Ge zhen de hen zi bei. Hen dui bu qi! (Hyung is so sorry! If I had known that you were going through so much stress, I shouldn’t have left. Hyung is so *self-blaming? i don’t know how to translate zi bei*. I am so sorry!) (哥很对不起。如果知道了你这么辛苦，哥不会走的。哥很自卑。很对不起！）
Siwon looked at the tired man on his right. He sighed and started to sing softly, hoping to ease the tense diva into a light slumber for him to rest, all the while never removing his hand from the back.
Kyuhyun.. Why didn’t you come and find me? Why didn’t you come and find anyone of us? We could have make time and listen to you. Wait.... Could we? Oh Kyuhyun.. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that it took such a heartwrenching incident for us to realize our mistakes. Oh god.... I am so sorry. Dear god, pls let Kyuhyun survive. I promise that I’ll be a better hyung next time. All of us will. So pls dear god, let Kyuhyun live. Don’t drag him off yet.
Shindong stared outside the window. His body there but his mind else where. Oh Kyuhyun? Why did you have to bottle it all up? I would have gladly sacrificed my lunch time to talk to you... On second thoughts. maybe not. But Kyuhyun..... Why? You know first hand that bottling up emotions isn’t good, so why? I’ll give anything for you to survive the operation. Even my most treasured beef stock in the fridge. Heck, I’ll even go on a 2 month diet for you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leeteuk started twisting in Kangin’s hold, struggling violently as he was being haunted by the scene again. But not just the scene when Kyuhyun jumped, but the entire incident, from the phonec all to when the ambulance arrived, as if mocking him yet again and again on how he had failed his duty.
“Oi. Leeteuk. Wake up! Wake up!” Kangin’s desperate voice had attracted the attention of the remaining 10 members. They stared in shock at their struggling leader before running over, all abandoning their seats to calm their frantic umma down.
Leeteuk’s eyes flew open with a gasp, the surroundings still blurry to him, but nonetheless, he was able to make out figures of his members, staring down at him concernedly. He grabbed Kangin’s shirt before burying himself into the younger’s chest, taking in deep breaths to calm himself now.
“Teukie hyung. What happened?’ Donghae asked concernedly.
Leeteuk shook his head, not wanting to talk about the nightmare. No. It wasn’t a nightmare. It was a memory. A memory that it had happened for real.
“Hyung.. Its not your fault. It’s not. It’s our fault too. So stop blaming yourself.” Kibum said, knowing what his leader would be thinking.
“No. I should have noticed him breaking. I should have sacrificed more time to be with him. I should have helped him. I should have been a better leader....”
“Park Jungsoo.” Heechul said firmly, as he grabbed Leeteuk’s chin, forcing the latter to look up at him. “You have been a good leader. You’re the best we could ever ask for. So stop blaming yourself. We still can make this better when Kyuhyun wakes up. So stop. Pls.” He continued in a soft voice, warmth underlying in the tone, as he leaned towards Leeteuk and their foreheads touched.
When. No body said If, because they believe that their maknae would survive. Kyuhyun was strong. And he will always be to them.
Leeteuk closed his eyes, and leaned in into the touch. Just then, the door opened and the doctor walked out towards them.
“Excuse me. But are you here for Cho Kyuhyun?” He asked.
“Yes we are.” Leeteuk said standing up, quickly replacing his initial frantic expression with a calm one. (I want to know how he does it!)
“We have news about Kyuhyun sshi.” The doctor continued.
Everyone gulped nervously. They hoped that it was good new. They wanted it to be good new. Because if it wasn’t, then they had no idea how they will cope.
“Kyuhyun is.....”
A/N.
Please don’t kill me for leaving this as a cliffhanger. I will be going on hiatus for about a week, so this is my present before i leave! I hope that you’ll like this chapter!
Ok.. i didn’t know if i wanted to call them boy or man. Man makes them sound like.... 40 years old! *Shudders* but boys make them sound like... 10? 12? years old? but oh well, better younger than older haha! I apologize to all Yewook shippers coz i kinda like split them up..... Well, I find Sungmin a better support at times like than Yesung.. Kibum too... But he’s the kind who doesn’t interact much, i guess... Sorry.. I don’t really know Kibum that well....
Shindong was the hardest to write about.... huh........ WHY? coz writing bout him makes me feel hungry. haha. i decided to smash siwon’s and shindong’s and hankyung’s and hanchul’s one all into one flashback. coz y brain is dying and i can’t think of any other flashback.
My friend complains that i do too much apologizing. Do I? Well, i apologize for apologizing too much. :P
Zhou Mi and Henry MIGHT appear in the next chapter. I apologize for this suckish chapter, coz i kept getting interrupted half way through. So it took like 4 days to write this (plus getting the inspiration which was from DBSK’s mini drama. I cried seeing them together again.)
AHHH!!!!! Just realized i didn’t write Siwon anywhere. Shall go write it now and update the first chapter with his part at the same time. And imma out of ideas. anyone who has any ideas on what to write in the next chapter, pls PM me.
P.S. is putting the flashbacks in a different color a good idea?Does it make it more clearer or confusing?
Listen to Fairy Tales by Yiruma while reading
Warning: There’s cursing.
The members clustered together a few meters outside the dreaded room. Leeteuk sitting down with his head hidden in his hands, slouched over, shoulders shaking with sobs. Kangin had his arm around the umma of the group, whispering nonsensical stuff into his ear as he drew circles on the leader’s back, trying to calm the depressed leader. Yet, his own eyes brimmed with tears that threatened to overflow. Donghae sat on the floor, leaning against Leeteuk’s legs, his eyes closed, with Eunhyuk lying on his lap, arms over his eyes as the tired boy (i refuse to call them men here. makes them sound like 40 plus) drowned himself in his own thoughts. Hankyung and Heechul sat next to them, the Cinderella leaning against the Chinese man’s chest, eyes drooping slowly, as sleep threatened to overcome him. He had been tired out from the excitement of seeing Hankyung again and seeing Kyuhyun attempt suicide. Siwon sat on Heechul’s left. one hand on his back. while another hand clutching Leeteuk’s own hand. Across them, Sungmin tried to console the sniffling Ryeowook, pulling him into a hug occasionally and murmuring encouragement to him. Kibum just went around handing out tissues, before taking his place besides Yesung, who had sat next to Ryeowook, and leaned his head on his hyung’s shoulders, who had been staring into space all this while. Shindong just stood next to the window, sighing every now and then.
Whenever a doctor walked past them, they would all look up in expectation, expecting to see the familiar yet kinda unwelcome face, heads drooping back down as their hopes were crushed.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. That’s all they were doing. That 8 hours of waiting were the hardest moments in their life.
~ Flashback ~
“KYUHYUN!!!!!!!!”
All the members could do is to freeze in fear as they watched their beloved maknae disappear from their sight of view, over the roof. Thoughts of guilty, thoughts of fear, thoughts of self-berating flew around each of their heads, as their eyes struggled to process what was happening in front of them. Processing, yet denying.
Their maknae had jumped off the roof.
~ Flashback ~
Leeteuk shook head in an attempt to clear his head of the very scene. The scene which kept replaying itself in his head. The scene which he had seen his very own beloved maknae committing suicide. The scene which has convinced him that he has failed yet again. Failed as the leader.
I’m such an idiot. Why didn’t I actually notice all the pain he had been carrying? Why didn’t I notice that he was breaking? Why didn’t I play my part of being a leader properly? I had failed when Hankyung left SM. Now I have failed yet again when my maknae had tried to commit suicide.
Am I no longer suited for this job? Leeteuk, you stupid, idiotic, moronic, bastard of a leader. You were supposed to be a leader, supposed to protect your dongsaengs, supposed to be there for them. Yet why are you so useless? Why am I so useless? I can’t do anything except to sit here and cry.
Kangin noticing his leader’s emotional struggle with himself, pulled the latter closer to him, whispering encouraging words or nonsensical sentences, no one knows, to Leeteuk, in an attempt to try and distract his hyung from his depressing thought. Leeteuk looked up into Kangin’s eyes, before turning away in disgust, not wanting to see the guilt of his own eyes that was mirrored in his dongsaeng’s eyes. But what he did not know was that, Kangin’s own eyes were carrying the guilt also. In fact, all 12 of the Super Junior members were too. He pulled the umma closer to him, urging him to sleep. Leeteuk complied, tired out by his mental berating, but not before telling Kangin to do the same thing, as he fell asleep with the thought that he would become a better leader for Kyuhyun, for Super Junior.
Noticing the shift in the position of the boy that he had been leaning on, Donghae shifted along with it, disturbing the usually hyperactive monkey that had been resting his head on his lap. Eunhyuk sat up slowly, dragged away from his thoughts by the sudden movement. He murmured an apology under his breath for borrowing his best friend’s lap, as he adjusted himself into an more comfortable position. Donghae looked at his friend and shook his head, smiling wearily, before resuming his position - leaning against Leeteuk’s leg, and closing his eyes.
Donghae never really liked the hospital. He didn’t like ANYTHING related to the hospital in fact. He didn’t like the ambulance, whose noisy whining sound he had come to hate, yet appreciated grudgingly a few hours ago.
The white walls. The smell of sanitizers. The faceless figures walking around in white. The smell of death lingering in the ICU. The red light of the operation room that showed it was in use. The squeaking sound of the trolley as a nurse wheeled it down the corridor. The clicking sounds of the heels of the doctors. They were all getting to him, unnerving him, making him feel like he wanted to dig a hole somewhere and bury himself in it.
But what he always hated the most, no matter which hospital, no matter when it was, no matter the situation, was the face that the doctor wore when he came out of the operation room or a patient’s room. The face that showed that the doctor had failed to do his job properly. The face that the doctor wore when he delivered the most heartbreaking news to the family members and friends. The face which he had seen once, which brought his whole world crushing down. The face which he never wanted to see again. (To those who didn’t get it, it’s the face the doctor has when he tells people somebody they cared for has died).
Donghae didn’t like the hospital any further than did he welcome the idea of being denied the role of a dancer. It reminded him of his dad. His dad who he couldn’t see again. His dad who he couldn’t perform in front again. His dad who he couldn’t call whenever he was in a dilemma. So being here, AGAIN in the hospital, in a helpless position, disgusted himself.
~ Flashback ~
“What the shit? Why did you change the channel? I was watching it!” Heechul’s scream could be heard from there all the way to the first floor.
“But hyung... I don’t like the channel. It’ all about fashion and stuff.” Donghae pouted, attempting to use his aegyo to ease the raging diva in front of him, as he scurried to the end of the room, along with the remote control in his hand.
Apparently, it failed. “And you think that I would LIKE to watch Care Bears????!!!!!!” Another shriek echoed throughout the dorm, as if with the intention of breaking anyone’s ear drum within a 5m radius.
“It’s not Care Bears hyung... It’s called the Invasion of Planet- “
“I don’t care!!!!!!!!!! You’ll pay for this, Lee Donghae.”
“Kyuhyun ah! Save me!” Donghae yelled as he dashed behind the group’s maknae, who had just finished recording a song for SM’s The Ballad, using him like a shield.
“Lee Donghae. Get back here this instant else I’ll personally skin you alive!”
Donghae gulped. “Kyuhyun ah!!! Please help me.”
“Hmph. I doubt Kyu can even save himself from Heechul’s wrath.” Kangin smirked as he walked past the living room, taking in the scene.
“Heechul hyung. Please stop chasing Donghae hyung.” Kyuhyun said wearily as Heechul came into his line of vision.
He didn’t want to deal with this. He was tired, with no energy to even retort back to Kangin as usual. All he wanted to do was to go to his room, lock the damn door and lie down on the bed. It had been a bad day for him. He had been screamed at by the director (i have no idea what the person in charged of recording the music is called) for not “putting in his best effort and stop treating this like a game.” He hadn’t been able to sing his lines properly today, often having coughs breaking in between. The truth was, Kyuhyun was down with a terrible cough and a sore throat today. But being the hardworking person he is, he didn’t want to delay the release of the new song but calling in sick and then, disappointing the eager fans.
Heechul, Donghae and Kangin frowned at Kyuhyun’s sudden use of formalities and lack or retort, but they labeled it as the maknae being tired. They watched as Kyuhyun climbed the stairs and went into his room, shutting the door before all three returned to their own activities, the initial fight between Donghae and Heechul forgotten.
~ Flashback~
Why? Why am I so useless? I should have noticed it. I should have noticed it since Hankyung left, his breakdown since Hankyung left. No. I should have noticed Kyuhyun breaking down way before that. From the time when he started wearing long sleeves to cover up his scars, from the time when he had started to become quiet, never even bothering to retort with a snarky remark, from the time when he started playing Starcraft more. Why? I promised myself that I didn’t want to lose somebody close to me. That I will do anything to prevent that. It hasn’t even been 2 years and I’m breaking that promise already.
Eunhyuk looked up in surprise, as he felt tremors from the boy next to him. The fishy had drawn his knees up to his chest, head burrowed in between, entire body shaking as sobs ran through his body. Eunhyuk knew of the mental struggle that his best friend. He knew that Donghae was feeling guilty, all of them are, but the death of his father being in a hospital had added onto that stress. He knew, without words being spoken. That’s why they were called Eunhae.
Eunhyk shifted slightly over. Taking the boy into his arms, he whispered soothingly, “Shh... It’s ok Hae. Just let it out all out. All of it.”
That did it. Donghae’s dam broke and he sobbed into his best friend’s arms, wetting his shirt. But at that moment, neither of them cared.
~ Flashback ~
Crash!
The loud sound has jerked all of them out of their daze, and they hurried over the railing, that was just separating them from the empty space below, leaning over as far as they dared too.
Upon seeing the sight below, they breathed a sigh of relief, which was ironic given the situation that they were in now. But the sight below them showed that they still had a chance to make things right.
Well actually, not really. But it was better than seeing Kyuhyun’s corpse. He had fallen onto an extending roof, two floors down. not dead yet, but will soon be if help doesn’t arrive soon. But still, the red liquid that was pooling around his head was NOT a pretty side. It reminded Donghae of a scene in a zombie movie which he had watched not long ago. The scene where the hero crushed the zombie’s head and blood splatter all around, like a blood red flower that was desperately blooming.
~ Flashback ~
Ryeowook shuddered as the scene replayed itself like a cassette tape in his mind, unconsciously clinging onto Sungmin even more. His shoulders were shaking badly, at this point of time, if some one gave him a cup to hold, he probably would have just dropped it within a minute. That was how bad he was shaking. Sungmin took a deep breath and sighed, attempting to calm his frantic thumping heart down. Oh, how he long to break down and cry along with Ryeowook, but no. He had reached this conclusion a long time ago. Ok, Not really a long time ago, but a few hours back, when they had found Kyuhyun on the roof. He had to be strong, for Wookie, for the rest of his members, but most of all, for Kyuhyun.
“Shh....... Wookie. It’s not your fault. It’s not....” Sungmin whispered into Ryeowook’s ear as he embraced the younger boy in an even tighter hug. He ran a reassuring hand up and down the eternal maknae’s back, hushing him every now and then.
“But hyung... I couldn’t even figure out that Kyuhyun was breaking. We are so close in age.... But I still couldn’t figure it out.... Hyung... I’m such a bad hyung. I didn’t even make time for Kyuhyun!” Ryeowook hiccuped as he poured out his guilt. He felt bad.
Why didn’t I notice it? I should have spend more time with him! I should have make him go out and play instead of shutting himself in the dance practice room. He’s too young to shoulder so much stress... and yet....
“No, Wookie. It’s my fault as much as yours. In fact it was our fault. Our fault for being too selfish. For not having time for one another.” Sungmin croaked out, his voice finally breaking under the stress that he had placed on himself to control his emotions.
Kyuhyun... I’m such a selfish hyung... I didn’t even bother to make time to eat dinner with you. To even quarrel with you... I’m sorry. I have failed as a best friend and a hyung.
~ Flashback ~
Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........ Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........
The phone ran insistently in the dorm.
“Teukie hyung! Can you get the phone!” Kangin yelled from the living room.
“I’m trying to sort out our schedules for tomorrow! Why can’t you get the phone!” Leeteuk yelled from where he was sitting in the kitchen, a bunch of papers spread out of in front of him.
“Can’t! I’m watching television.” Came back the retort. Kangin and Heechul was sprawled out on the sofa as they flipped through channel trying to find something nice to watch.
“I’m cooking food!” Ryeowook shouted from the kitchen before anyone could shout for him. “Yesung is helping me!” He added as an afterthought, thanks to a glare from the older man.
“Shindong and Sungmin went out for goodness knows what. And Siwon that gym freak went out to the gym. So don’t bother calling for them.” Kangin shouted. “Oh, and don’t bother to call Heechul. He locked himself up in the room.”
Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........ Riiiiiiiinnnnngggg........
“Fine! I’ll get the damn phone.” Kibum finally said as he reluctantly detached himself from the cozy armchair that he was sitting on and his book.
“Hello?... Um.... No, he’s not home..... What? You don’t know?.... DBSK? ..... Not?!...... You can’t?..... Ok. We’ll try....”
Kibum hanged up the phone as he took a deep breath in to calm himself. The hyungs in the dorm turned to look at their youngest (at that moment in the dorm) who’s voice had risen up in an octave subconsciously nearing the end of the phone call.
“Kyuhyun has disappeared. The manager can’t call him since 3 hours ago. It’s 4pm. His recording should have ended at 1pm. He’s not at DBSK’s dorm or anywhere else.” Kibum answered in return to his hyungs’ questioning gazes.
“What? He’s not anywhere? We’ll go look for him!” Leeteuk’s umma mode kicked in, as he received 9 glares saying “Of course. Do you even have to stop and think that?” All of them rushed to get their jackets and valuables before heading out.
“Oi. Teukie. Isn’t that Kyuhyun?” The sudden mention of the real maknae’s name froze everyone in their footsteps. They hurriedly turned to the television.
“Now. We’re outside SM’s building. Isn’t it a wonderful place? This is where their idols.....” The newscaster’s live report was drowned out by them as they stared at the screen. True. Kyuhyun was there. In the back ground of the scene. It wasn’t that clear but the members could still that it was their beloved maknae. What surprised them was that Kyuhyun was standing startlingly near the edge, wearing a tired look on his face as he gazed into the horizon.
“Don’t tell me he’s planning to .....” Yesung murmured out the thoughts in everyone’s mind. There was a creepy 5 seconds silence, before everyone scrambled for the door, determined to get to their maknae as fast as possible, while Leeteuk phoned their missing five members.
~ Flashback ~
Kibum leaned back in the seat, arms over his eyes as he tried his best to forget about the reality. About the fact that Kyuhyun almost died. About the fact that Kyuhyun had attempted suicide. About that Kyuhyun was in a critical condition while the rest of them could only helplessly sit outside the operation room and wait.
How he wished that he never answered that phone call. But yet, he was still thankful though. It was because he answered that phone call, that Kyuhyun was still here with them, although not conscious. So near yet so far.
“Oh god.. I wish that we could go back to the time when we first debut.” The moment the sentence came out of Yesung’s mouth, Kibum froze, his mind wandering back to the times when they first had their taste of fame.
They were so happy then. Everything was alright. Everything. They loved each other as brothers, and made time for each other, no matter what. But now... Things were so different.
“Kibum ah....” The soft voice of Yesung had penetrated into his train of thoughts. “Do you think there’s still a chance of things going back to how they were when Kyuhyun wakes up?”
When. Kibum was glad that Yesung had used the word ‘When’, not ‘If’, as that would break his heart even more.
“I don’t know hyung...” He replied honestly. “I don’t know.”
“But trying doesn’t hurt does it.” Kibum looked at Yesung in surprise, surprised by the amount of hope that that single sentence contained. Yesung’s eyes, sparkled with hope and confidence, but also tinted with specks of guilt.
Kibum had never felt this grossed out before. On how they had neglected their maknae for the sake of work and fame. He promise himself to never do that again, and he was sure that Yesung felt that way too.
“No hyung. It doesn’t hurt to try.”
~ Flashback ~
Wee-woo! Wee-woo! Wee-oo! Wee-oo!
Heechul, like Donghae, had originally hated the ambulance siren, but now it was like music to his ears. He stepped back from the railing quickly, not wanting to see Kyuhyun in that state. Helpless. Weak. Breaking. He swore that he would never want to see Kyuhyun like that, after the 2007 car accident. But like Dong Hae, he was breaking his promise.
He watched silently as the paramedics quickly loaded Kyuhyun into the ambulance, his mind to numb to fully process what his eyes were seeing
“Hmm.. Excuse me. But only one of you can come and accompany your friend in the ambulance.” The paramedic stuttered hesitantly. Heechul wanted to punch her. ‘Your friend’ has a name damn it. He’s called Kyuhyun. And he’s more than a friend. He’s our beloved maknae. Our younger brother whom we all cherished. Or did we?
But Heechul knew that venting out the anger on the paramedic wouldn’t wake Kyuhyun up. In fact, it MIGHT cause the situtation to worsen and Heechul wasn’t taking a risk like that.
“I’ll go. The rest can follow in the vans. Kangin, Leeteuk, Yesung, Kibum, Shindong, in one van. The rest of them in the other.” Heechul ordered, seeing that the crying leader was in no state to give orders, and as being the second eldest, it was only his right to do it.
The members nodded before they left to board the vans as quickly as possible. Heechul himself went into the ambulance, sat down, and looked towards the sight, refusing to see Kyuhyun’s bloodied figure.
Hankyung watched as the ambulance drove away with his best friend and the maknae.
“Ok guys. You heard him. We have to get going as soon possible.” Hankyung took charge. Like the natural leader he was, he guided Kangin and his group into their van before boarding his own.
He had to say that he was impressed by Heechul. Heechul went with Kyuhyun as he was the only one who could maintain a calm figure without crying. So could Sungmin and Kibum, but they have to be there to provide support for their hyungs.”
~ Flashback ~
Hankyung took a deep breath in to calm himself as he held Heechul protectively. He knew that the toll had taken on Heechul much more than it had on any other member. Heechul had to deal with losing a best friend and a brother, the same as the rest of the members. But what Heechul had to face further was coming back to an empty dorm. Coming back with no one to greet him happily. No one to argue with. No one to wake him up in the morning with the aromatic smell of Beijing fried rice. The list could go on forever. Basically, when Hankyung left, a part of Heechul’s heart left along with him. Seeing Kyuhyun jump had broke him.
Hankyung had no choice. He didn’t wanted to leave Super Junior but SM was driving him nuts. He hasn’t been given a break in 2 whole years straight. If that goes on, he might die thanks to stress. The decision took him a long time to make and it almost broke his heart.
Kyuhyun.... Hyung is so sorry for being so weak. Hyung should have stayed...... Hyung should have... Ge hen dui bu qi! Ru guo zhi dao le ni ze me xin ku. Ge bu hui zou de. Ge zhen de hen zi bei. Hen dui bu qi! (Hyung is so sorry! If I had known that you were going through so much stress, I shouldn’t have left. Hyung is so *self-blaming? i don’t know how to translate zi bei*. I am so sorry!) (哥很对不起。如果知道了你这么辛苦，哥不会走的。哥很自卑。很对不起！）
Siwon looked at the tired man on his right. He sighed and started to sing softly, hoping to ease the tense diva into a light slumber for him to rest, all the while never removing his hand from the back.
Kyuhyun.. Why didn’t you come and find me? Why didn’t you come and find anyone of us? We could have make time and listen to you. Wait.... Could we? Oh Kyuhyun.. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that it took such a heartwrenching incident for us to realize our mistakes. Oh god.... I am so sorry. Dear god, pls let Kyuhyun survive. I promise that I’ll be a better hyung next time. All of us will. So pls dear god, let Kyuhyun live. Don’t drag him off yet.
Shindong stared outside the window. His body there but his mind else where. Oh Kyuhyun? Why did you have to bottle it all up? I would have gladly sacrificed my lunch time to talk to you... On second thoughts. maybe not. But Kyuhyun..... Why? You know first hand that bottling up emotions isn’t good, so why? I’ll give anything for you to survive the operation. Even my most treasured beef stock in the fridge. Heck, I’ll even go on a 2 month diet for you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leeteuk started twisting in Kangin’s hold, struggling violently as he was being haunted by the scene again. But not just the scene when Kyuhyun jumped, but the entire incident, from the phonec all to when the ambulance arrived, as if mocking him yet again and again on how he had failed his duty.
“Oi. Leeteuk. Wake up! Wake up!” Kangin’s desperate voice had attracted the attention of the remaining 10 members. They stared in shock at their struggling leader before running over, all abandoning their seats to calm their frantic umma down.
Leeteuk’s eyes flew open with a gasp, the surroundings still blurry to him, but nonetheless, he was able to make out figures of his members, staring down at him concernedly. He grabbed Kangin’s shirt before burying himself into the younger’s chest, taking in deep breaths to calm himself now.
“Teukie hyung. What happened?’ Donghae asked concernedly.
Leeteuk shook his head, not wanting to talk about the nightmare. No. It wasn’t a nightmare. It was a memory. A memory that it had happened for real.
“Hyung.. Its not your fault. It’s not. It’s our fault too. So stop blaming yourself.” Kibum said, knowing what his leader would be thinking.
“No. I should have noticed him breaking. I should have sacrificed more time to be with him. I should have helped him. I should have been a better leader....”
“Park Jungsoo.” Heechul said firmly, as he grabbed Leeteuk’s chin, forcing the latter to look up at him. “You have been a good leader. You’re the best we could ever ask for. So stop blaming yourself. We still can make this better when Kyuhyun wakes up. So stop. Pls.” He continued in a soft voice, warmth underlying in the tone, as he leaned towards Leeteuk and their foreheads touched.
When. No body said If, because they believe that their maknae would survive. Kyuhyun was strong. And he will always be to them.
Leeteuk closed his eyes, and leaned in into the touch. Just then, the door opened and the doctor walked out towards them.
“Excuse me. But are you here for Cho Kyuhyun?” He asked.
“Yes we are.” Leeteuk said standing up, quickly replacing his initial frantic expression with a calm one. (I want to know how he does it!)
“We have news about Kyuhyun sshi.” The doctor continued.
Everyone gulped nervously. They hoped that it was good new. They wanted it to be good new. Because if it wasn’t, then they had no idea how they will cope.
“Kyuhyun is.....”
A/N.
Please don’t kill me for leaving this as a cliffhanger. I will be going on hiatus for about a week, so this is my present before i leave! I hope that you’ll like this chapter!
Ok.. i didn’t know if i wanted to call them boy or man. Man makes them sound like.... 40 years old! *Shudders* but boys make them sound like... 10? 12? years old? but oh well, better younger than older haha! I apologize to all Yewook shippers coz i kinda like split them up..... Well, I find Sungmin a better support at times like than Yesung.. Kibum too... But he’s the kind who doesn’t interact much, i guess... Sorry.. I don’t really know Kibum that well....
Shindong was the hardest to write about.... huh........ WHY? coz writing bout him makes me feel hungry. haha. i decided to smash siwon’s and shindong’s and hankyung’s and hanchul’s one all into one flashback. coz y brain is dying and i can’t think of any other flashback.
My friend complains that i do too much apologizing. Do I? Well, i apologize for apologizing too much. :P
Zhou Mi and Henry MIGHT appear in the next chapter. I apologize for this suckish chapter, coz i kept getting interrupted half way through. So it took like 4 days to write this (plus getting the inspiration which was from DBSK’s mini drama. I cried seeing them together again.)
AHHH!!!!! Just realized i didn’t write Siwon anywhere. Shall go write it now and update the first chapter with his part at the same time. And imma out of ideas. anyone who has any ideas on what to write in the next chapter, pls PM me.
P.S. is putting the flashbacks in a different color a good idea?Does it make it more clearer or confusing?