Baby Steps
Title: Baby Steps
Author: kpopforlife
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun
Rating: PG-13 for language
Warnings: N/A
Word Count: 3742
Summary: Babysitting is hard work. So are relationships.
My entry of the Shinee Shorts & Jongyu Duets <3
Jonghyun had been thrilled when his sister asked him to babysit Eunji while her and her husband went on a romantic vacation. A second honeymoon of sorts. Jonghyun adored his niece and he loved to spend time with her so of course he had said yes. He simply loved children and he was already planning out activities to do and fun places to take her to in her short stay.
Jonghyun had always dreamed of having kids of his own but his indifference to the opposite sex made him question if that would ever happen. He was still much too young to worry about it now, but he wasn’t opposed to a surrogate or maybe even adoption once he was settled down with someone he really loved. He just really wanted a house full of kids, but right now, he was happy.
He and Jinki had been together going on four years, two of which had been a slow process of moving all his belongings into Jinki’s apartment without the older man noticing. By the time Jinki broached the subject of moving in together, Jonghyun had already been subletting his apartment for three months. Jinki could be a little oblivious sometimes but it was part of what made him so lovable.
Jinki had never actually met his three-year-old niece though. Jonghyun’s family lived a bit far and Jinki always avoided such meetings somehow, claiming he didn’t want to intrude or having some kind of emergency at work conveniently on the weekend they planned to go visit.
Jonghyun prided himself on how well he and Jinki were able to read each other, their ability to communicate without words. Over the years they had perfected this ability and he liked to think it was evidence of how good they were together.
So he knew better than to ignore that sinking feeling in his gut when he first told Jinki the news about his sister’s trip. Jonghyun had been practically bouncing with excitement the whole day at the prospect of taking care of his niece, resisting the urge to call Jinki in favor of getting to tell him in person. Jinki however, had that smile that looked like it hurt his face and it was making Jonghyun’s enthusiasm plummet. The corners of Jinki’s mouth were pulled tight and his eyes turned emotionless and cold rather than sparkling with happiness like they do when he is truly excited about something. His body language screamed ‘no’ and for the first time in ages Jonghyun is questioning his ability to read Jinki because there was no way he was opposed to this, right? His boyfriend is very much a people-pleaser but he was also honest and was never practiced at hiding his true feelings, so the way the subject was changed so quickly, without any follow-up questions left Jonghyun with a sour taste in his mouth.
~~~
“Hyung, you aren’t being honest with me,” Jonghyun finally blurts out in the middle of breakfast. He’s been holding it in, mulling over it in his mind for the past three days and he just couldn’t take it anymore. Any time he’s brought up the subject Jinki finds some way to steer the conversation away for Eunji. It is actually infuriating how good Jinki is at manipulating him but Jonghyun is done with the subtleties.
“What are you talking about Hyunnie? I said I want orange juice because I want orange juice,” Jinki feigns confusion but the way his shoulders stiffen and the robotic movements of his arms clue that he knows exactly where this conversation is going.
“I’m not talking about the damn juice, Jinki. You aren’t happy about us taking Eunji next week and you don’t want to tell me,” Jonghyun is tired of dancing around the elephant in the room. This week is important to him for so many reasons and Jinki’s nonchalance right now is not making Jonghyun’s temper any better.
“It’s not that I’m unhappy about it, I just…” Jinki trails off, studying the chipped strawberry pattern on his plate with newfound interest rather than meeting Jonghyun’s eyes.
“You just what?” Jonghyun prompts, venom poisoning his tone despite his attempt to remain calm.
“I just wish we had talked about it before,” Jinki mumbles, his head bowed and his whole demeanor screams ‘uncomfortable’ and that just makes Jonghyun more irrationally angry. They have never had issues with communication before. They are both so good about being open and honest with each other the Jonghyun legitimately has no idea what to do in this situation.
“Because you don’t want to do it,” Jonghyun responds pointedly, accusatory and bitter as his annoyance at the situation gets the better of him once again.
“That’s not it,” Jinki argues back, visibly frustrated with the way this conversation is going.
“Then what is it hyung? You’ve never even met my niece before and I’m starting to think that it isn’t on accident. It’s almost like you have avoided it on purpose,” Jonghyun fires back.
“That’s not- fuck. You don’t understand. Quit making it out like I hate Eunji,” Jinki responds, his voice angry as he rises to Jonghyun’s goading.
“How could you hate someone you’ve never met?” Jonghyun responds bitterly.
“Stop it,” Jinki warns.
“Stop what? Caring that my boyfriend apparently hates my baby niece?” Jonghyun says it so flippantly but it’s obvious how angry and hurt he is by the whole situation. “And really, what’s not to hate? She’s only three after all and insists on wearing a princess tiara whenever they leave the house. What’s not to hate? How could I never see it before? She’s absolutely evil, you are so right,” his sarcasm dripping like honey and thickening the tension between the two.
“I don’t hate her; stop being such an ass,” Jinki commands.
“Then what the hell is your problem?” Jonghyun finally asks, completely exasperated.
“You wouldn’t understand,” Jinki mutters.
“Try me.”
“I- kids make me nervous.”
“What does that even mean?” Jonghyun asks, his words clipped as he all but bites back a premature rebuttal.
“It means kids scare the shit out of me because they are tiny and fragile and I just- I don’t have the best track record with delicate things, breathing or otherwise,” For the first time since their little tiff started, Jinki lets his walls down, the core of his insecurities shining through and suddenly Jonghyun feels like a dick for pushing the subject rather than talking it out like the adults they are. He’s been acting like a child this whole time, making assumptions and getting angry without knowing the full story. Ever since this argument began he’s been more focused on cutting into his boyfriend rather than finding answers and his mean words are coming back to bite him in the ass because it’s so clear now, Jinki is hurt and Jonghyun is officially the worst human being on the planet.
“Hyung-“ Jonghyun starts but Jinki isn’t done, his face resolute as he cuts Jonghyun off before he can even decided what to say.
“I had a puppy when I was a child. It was a birthday gift. My fourth. I- I dropped it on accident and it died. It’s my only memory from that day and- I can still remember it, I can still hear it, the way it was whimpering in pain and- god that is just really traumatic and scarring for anyone but for a four year old… ever since I’ve just kind of kept my distance from baby anything.”
“Oh hyung,” Jonghyun breathes out, all anger bleeding out of him at the sight of his boyfriend so broken over an event that happened decades ago. He’s once again hit with that familiar urge to protect Jinki from all the evils in the world, even if right now he is including himself in that category. He would do everything in his power to make Jinki smile and to forgive himself for something that happened so long ago.
“It’s not really something I like to talk about, and I know you adore children and I think that’s great and I know how much you love your niece and it’s not like I would ask you to not take her while they are away and I would love to get to know her because she’s your niece and that pretty much makes her my niece but I just… I’m just fucked up. I guess I was just blindsided. I didn’t really get a chance to work it all out in my head first.”
Jonghyun suddenly feels like he kicked a bunny because Jinki looks so upset and it’s obvious he is trying so hard to keep it together and get over this mental block that makes him shy away from kids. Jonghyun doesn’t really think, he simply finds himself at the other end of the table, pulling Jinki up and out of his chair into a suffocating hug, the older returning the gesture without a second thought.
“I don’t hate Eunji,” Jinki whispers, his voice sounding thick and Jonghyun’s heart is about to shatter because he hears tears and it’s all his fault.
“Jinki, baby, I’m so sorry. God, I feel like such an asshole right now. I should have talked to you first I just… it never even crossed my mind that you didn’t like kids and I just feel awful right now, fuck.”
“It’s not that I don’t like kids. I like kids, just… from a distance,” Jinki says, a half-smile pulling at his lips.
“Baby, I’ve always wanted you to meet Eunji because all I can think about is how much she will love you and how much you will love her. You would be so great with kids. Like, the actual best. She would probably like you more than me actually. You are so fun and silly and really just perfect all around. She would love you and you don’t even understand how great you would be with her,” Jonghyun’s arms are still loosely wrapped around Jinki’s waist but he pulls back enough to look the elder in the eye in hopes that Jinki will realize how serious his words are.
“Do you really think so?” Jinki is really smiling for the first time as if the idea that he would be good with children never even crossed his mind.
“God yes. You would build blanket forts and make play dough sculptures and she would worship the ground you walk on because you’re Uncle Jinki,” Jonghyun smiles softly, in awe at how blindly Jinki sees himself sometimes.
“I know it’s irrational but I’m still just scared. There are just so many things that can go wrong. I just can’t live with myself if she gets hurt and it’s my fault.”
“Well guess what? You aren’t alone. We are in this together, remember?”
“You really think she will like me? You really think I can do this?”
“I never doubted it for a second.”
~~~
After their little breakthrough of sorts Jonghyun had such high hopes for their week with Eunji. He was so excited about Jinki meeting his niece despite everything and he was positive that Jinki would do great. They had talked everything out and Jinki seemed so calm about the whole situation that Jonghyun was sure everything would be great.
Jonghyun was wrong.
Jinki has been nothing more than a breathing statue for most of the week. Jonghyun was running himself exhausted keeping up Eunji and Jinki was focused solely on keeping a three foot buffer between himself and the toddler at all times. Jonghyun had gone as far as to force Jinki to interact with her but the awkward tension was tangible and Eunji, like any child, would eventually get bored with how non-responsive Jinki was towards her and it makes her lose interest quickly. All Jonghyun’s attempts at bringing them all together have been effectively evaded and he is frustrated. Jinki is obviously trying but failing to overcome his issues. Jonghyun isn’t really sure what to do but something has to change.
~~~
“Jonghyun-ah, I’m sorry, I’m really trying. I am! I just-“
“Hyung, close your eyes,” Jonghyun says firmly, cutting him off before he can finish. Jonghyun is fighting his temper back because he can see how upset Jinki is over the whole situation. Jonghyun is frustrated but Jinki is more important right now. Jinki sigh in defeat as he complies, his eyes slipping shut.
His brain is still running a mile a minute, despair and dread all mingled with ever-growing guilt fogging all of his sense and the overwhelming sensation only intensifies as he succumbs to the darkness and seclusion his eyelids provide. Jinki feels like he is going to drown in his own thoughts until he suddenly Jonghyun’s strong arms wrap around his waist and instantly some of the weight that has been burying him the past few days melt away as he instinctively reciprocates the hug, looping his arms around Jonghyun’s broad shoulders, one hand getting lost in his dark brown locks.
“Jinki, relax. It’s okay,” Jonghyun whispers.
Jinki smiles a bit sadly to himself; not bother to respond as he buries his face into Jonghyun’s neck, letting his familiar scent wash away all the negative emotions inside himself until it is just the two of them once again.
“Hyung, I know you are scared. It’s okay. It’s okay to be scared. But I know you are beating yourself up right now and that isn’t okay,” Jonghyun’s words are gentle, the soothing tone melting into Jinki’s bones but those doubts are still lingering.
“I- I don’t know if I can,” Jinki finally breathes out, his voice shaky and weak.
Jonghyun pulls back slowly, staying nose to nose, his hand gently sliding up Jinki’s chest, cupping his face as if Jinki were made of the most delicate and fragile glass. Jonghyun’s thumb flitting tenderly across his cheek while his eyes search out Jinki’s.
Jinki musters up all his strength to meet his eyes and he is taken aback by the tenderness and love he finds staring back at him. Here they are, discussing what a terrible uncle Jinki is turning out to be and still Jonghyun is looking at him like he is the most perfect being in existence. It only serves as another knife deep in his heart because while he has never deserved such affection, today of all days he deserves it even less.
“Hyung, stop thinking about what could go wrong. Stop worrying. She adores you already; you just have to let her in. Just- let yourself,” Jonghyun sounds so confident to Jinki’s tired ears.
Jinki nods even though he isn’t entirely convinced, giving a weak smile in response.
“Eunji’s show is almost over. Why don’t you put her to bed?” Jonghyun suggests, they both know that it isn’t something he is allowed to refuse right now, not that he really wants to. It kills him that his anxiety is keeping him from embracing this precious little girl who looks up at him with joy in her eyes despite how awkward he is around her.
Jinki pulls Jonghyun in for a soft, reassuring kiss, hoping to maybe absorb some of Jonghyun’s self-confidence in the process before breaking away to head into the living room.
Jonghyun stays behind, trying to give Jinki some space and privacy with her; taking away his safety blanket in a sense because Jinki will try to bolt if he knows there is someone else to take the child, he’s been doing it all week after all. Jonghyun is willing to do just about anything to help his boyfriend get over this irrational fear of his niece at this point. Jonghyun knows Jinki can do this, but he can’t help feeling uneasy about it. He had always dreamed of being a father one day, having a son that hopefully inherits the height gene that skipped over himself or maybe a daughter that gets his big brown eyes. In short, he wants a family and he really wants it with Jinki. He wants to be called ‘dad’ and that isn’t going to be possible if Jinki can’t even be in the same room as their child without having a panic attack. He knows that it isn’t fair to put that kind of pressure on Jinki right now. He shouldn’t be judging his parental abilities based on one week of babysitting but he can’t seem to stop using this whole experience as a marker for how they could be in the future. He won’t lie, the picture of them with a little girl makes his heart alight with happiness but it all comes crashing down every time Jinki sidesteps Eunji in an attempt to avoid any kind of physical contact.
He listens at the door, hearing the distinctive sound of the television shutting off and the shuffling of socked feet against carpet. He waits a few minutes until there is nothing but silence before he creeps down the hallway to the spare bedroom where Eunji is sleeping. He isn’t spying, definitely not spying; he just wants to make sure everything is going smoothly.
Thankfully Jinki has left the door cracked, enough that Jonghyun can see inside and what he sees is slowly making his heart melt inside his chest. Eunji is tucked under the blue plaid comforter of their guest bed clutching her stuffed bunny rabbit tightly and Jinki is sitting in the desk chair that he has pulled up beside her; a book propped open on his lap. He’s still in the beginning of the story but already his hands are waving wildly; switching fluidly between his deep narrator voice and his high-pitched squeak of a princess voice. Jonghyun can hear the shakiness of his tone, the note of uncertainty is still very much present but Jinki is pushing through. Judging by the wide-eyed stare from Eunji, she doesn’t notice a thing and is completely enthralled by the story, hanging on his every word. Jinki weaving this elaborate story; a magical new world constructed entirely of words and it’s just perfect. A smile creeps onto Jonghyun’s face and a warm drop of happiness slips into his heart as he watches silently from the doorway. Jinki has stops reading from the book entirely, making it up as he goes along so he can focus more on his hand gestures, his voices becoming more defined as he gains confidence. Eunji is giggling up a storm now as Jinki is making each character so unique and real for her, neither of them even noticing Jonghyun as he pushes the door open further.
Jonghyun can hear the happiness, the joy in Jinki’s tone as he loses himself in the act of storytelling, focusing solely on making Eunji enjoy herself to the fullest. She looks so happy, so completely immersed into this fantasy world and Jinki is following right along with her. He looks so happy and content like this. His fears forgotten as he gets wrapped up tales of unicorns and court jesters and her eyes are glowing with the thoughts of dragons and sword fights and talking animals. It’s so real to her because Jinki is making it so real, so full of life. It’s absolutely perfect.
Jonghyun can feel himself falling more in love by the second as he watches his boyfriend bonding with his niece for the first time. In that moment all his fears are put to rest because Jinki is winning her heart more and more with every word. Jinki is perfect with children, just like Jonghyun always knew he would be. Even from a distance, Jonghyun can see that Eunji is fighting her heavy eyelids; stifling yawn after yawn and it’s as if Jinki is born to do this, reading her every move without infringing on his storytelling abilities. He slowly begins to wind the story down, tying up those pesky little loose ends, making everyone have their happy ending and bringing a satisfied smile to the little girl’s face.
“And they all lived happily ever after. The end,” Jinki’s voice is soft, barely even a whisper as he brings the story to a close, snapping the unused book shut and placing it carefully on the bedside table.
“Uncle Jinki?” Eunji mutters, her eyes practically closed as she snuggles down deeper into her blankets.
“Hmm?”
“Will you read me a story again tomorrow night?”
“Sure sweetie,” He responds, that note of happiness in his voice only amplifying by her obvious approval.
“Uncle Jinki?”
“Yes, Eunji?”
“Tuck me in?”
His smile is soft and tender as he smoothes the covers, carefully flattening out every wrinkle and tucking the ends of the blanket tightly around her. He plants a soft, hesitant kiss against her forehead before whispering one last goodnight into her hair. It’s a scene Jonghyun has envisioned in his head so many times before but suddenly he realizes that his imagination could never do this justice. The moment is too perfect, his heart too full. Jinki is absolutely perfect and he is all Jonghyun’s.
As Jinki turns to leave, he finally notices his audience of one hovering outside the open doorway. The two silently creep into the bright hallway and carefully close the door, being sure to leave it open just a crack, and retreating back to the living room.
Jinki looks a bit sheepish, unsure what to say or do but Jonghyun takes away all his uncertainty when he gathers the elder into a firm hug. Jonghyun is pretty sure Jinki is actually shaking a little bit but Jonghyun can also feel the tension leaving Jinki’s shoulders as the elder melts into his arms and Jonghyun kind of finds it precious that is boyfriend who is responsible for killing all the spiders in their apartment, the man who giggles through horror movies and smiles, completely un-phased, through a haunted house is literally quaking with fear over a little girl in a princess-themed pajama set. It was kind of adorable really and it only made Jonghyun fall that much more in love. Jonghyun has everything he never even knew he wanted and needed in another person right here in his arms and he feels like the absolute luckiest person alive. Even if they never has a child to call their own, it’ll be okay, because he has Jinki and that’s all he really needs.
“See? I told you she would like you better than me.”
A/N Sorry, beta was too busy to get to this and I didn’t have time to find a back up. Hope my sorry excuse for editing was okay… :/
Author: kpopforlife
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun
Rating: PG-13 for language
Warnings: N/A
Word Count: 3742
Summary: Babysitting is hard work. So are relationships.
My entry of the Shinee Shorts & Jongyu Duets <3
Jonghyun had been thrilled when his sister asked him to babysit Eunji while her and her husband went on a romantic vacation. A second honeymoon of sorts. Jonghyun adored his niece and he loved to spend time with her so of course he had said yes. He simply loved children and he was already planning out activities to do and fun places to take her to in her short stay.
Jonghyun had always dreamed of having kids of his own but his indifference to the opposite sex made him question if that would ever happen. He was still much too young to worry about it now, but he wasn’t opposed to a surrogate or maybe even adoption once he was settled down with someone he really loved. He just really wanted a house full of kids, but right now, he was happy.
He and Jinki had been together going on four years, two of which had been a slow process of moving all his belongings into Jinki’s apartment without the older man noticing. By the time Jinki broached the subject of moving in together, Jonghyun had already been subletting his apartment for three months. Jinki could be a little oblivious sometimes but it was part of what made him so lovable.
Jinki had never actually met his three-year-old niece though. Jonghyun’s family lived a bit far and Jinki always avoided such meetings somehow, claiming he didn’t want to intrude or having some kind of emergency at work conveniently on the weekend they planned to go visit.
Jonghyun prided himself on how well he and Jinki were able to read each other, their ability to communicate without words. Over the years they had perfected this ability and he liked to think it was evidence of how good they were together.
So he knew better than to ignore that sinking feeling in his gut when he first told Jinki the news about his sister’s trip. Jonghyun had been practically bouncing with excitement the whole day at the prospect of taking care of his niece, resisting the urge to call Jinki in favor of getting to tell him in person. Jinki however, had that smile that looked like it hurt his face and it was making Jonghyun’s enthusiasm plummet. The corners of Jinki’s mouth were pulled tight and his eyes turned emotionless and cold rather than sparkling with happiness like they do when he is truly excited about something. His body language screamed ‘no’ and for the first time in ages Jonghyun is questioning his ability to read Jinki because there was no way he was opposed to this, right? His boyfriend is very much a people-pleaser but he was also honest and was never practiced at hiding his true feelings, so the way the subject was changed so quickly, without any follow-up questions left Jonghyun with a sour taste in his mouth.
~~~
“Hyung, you aren’t being honest with me,” Jonghyun finally blurts out in the middle of breakfast. He’s been holding it in, mulling over it in his mind for the past three days and he just couldn’t take it anymore. Any time he’s brought up the subject Jinki finds some way to steer the conversation away for Eunji. It is actually infuriating how good Jinki is at manipulating him but Jonghyun is done with the subtleties.
“What are you talking about Hyunnie? I said I want orange juice because I want orange juice,” Jinki feigns confusion but the way his shoulders stiffen and the robotic movements of his arms clue that he knows exactly where this conversation is going.
“I’m not talking about the damn juice, Jinki. You aren’t happy about us taking Eunji next week and you don’t want to tell me,” Jonghyun is tired of dancing around the elephant in the room. This week is important to him for so many reasons and Jinki’s nonchalance right now is not making Jonghyun’s temper any better.
“It’s not that I’m unhappy about it, I just…” Jinki trails off, studying the chipped strawberry pattern on his plate with newfound interest rather than meeting Jonghyun’s eyes.
“You just what?” Jonghyun prompts, venom poisoning his tone despite his attempt to remain calm.
“I just wish we had talked about it before,” Jinki mumbles, his head bowed and his whole demeanor screams ‘uncomfortable’ and that just makes Jonghyun more irrationally angry. They have never had issues with communication before. They are both so good about being open and honest with each other the Jonghyun legitimately has no idea what to do in this situation.
“Because you don’t want to do it,” Jonghyun responds pointedly, accusatory and bitter as his annoyance at the situation gets the better of him once again.
“That’s not it,” Jinki argues back, visibly frustrated with the way this conversation is going.
“Then what is it hyung? You’ve never even met my niece before and I’m starting to think that it isn’t on accident. It’s almost like you have avoided it on purpose,” Jonghyun fires back.
“That’s not- fuck. You don’t understand. Quit making it out like I hate Eunji,” Jinki responds, his voice angry as he rises to Jonghyun’s goading.
“How could you hate someone you’ve never met?” Jonghyun responds bitterly.
“Stop it,” Jinki warns.
“Stop what? Caring that my boyfriend apparently hates my baby niece?” Jonghyun says it so flippantly but it’s obvious how angry and hurt he is by the whole situation. “And really, what’s not to hate? She’s only three after all and insists on wearing a princess tiara whenever they leave the house. What’s not to hate? How could I never see it before? She’s absolutely evil, you are so right,” his sarcasm dripping like honey and thickening the tension between the two.
“I don’t hate her; stop being such an ass,” Jinki commands.
“Then what the hell is your problem?” Jonghyun finally asks, completely exasperated.
“You wouldn’t understand,” Jinki mutters.
“Try me.”
“I- kids make me nervous.”
“What does that even mean?” Jonghyun asks, his words clipped as he all but bites back a premature rebuttal.
“It means kids scare the shit out of me because they are tiny and fragile and I just- I don’t have the best track record with delicate things, breathing or otherwise,” For the first time since their little tiff started, Jinki lets his walls down, the core of his insecurities shining through and suddenly Jonghyun feels like a dick for pushing the subject rather than talking it out like the adults they are. He’s been acting like a child this whole time, making assumptions and getting angry without knowing the full story. Ever since this argument began he’s been more focused on cutting into his boyfriend rather than finding answers and his mean words are coming back to bite him in the ass because it’s so clear now, Jinki is hurt and Jonghyun is officially the worst human being on the planet.
“Hyung-“ Jonghyun starts but Jinki isn’t done, his face resolute as he cuts Jonghyun off before he can even decided what to say.
“I had a puppy when I was a child. It was a birthday gift. My fourth. I- I dropped it on accident and it died. It’s my only memory from that day and- I can still remember it, I can still hear it, the way it was whimpering in pain and- god that is just really traumatic and scarring for anyone but for a four year old… ever since I’ve just kind of kept my distance from baby anything.”
“Oh hyung,” Jonghyun breathes out, all anger bleeding out of him at the sight of his boyfriend so broken over an event that happened decades ago. He’s once again hit with that familiar urge to protect Jinki from all the evils in the world, even if right now he is including himself in that category. He would do everything in his power to make Jinki smile and to forgive himself for something that happened so long ago.
“It’s not really something I like to talk about, and I know you adore children and I think that’s great and I know how much you love your niece and it’s not like I would ask you to not take her while they are away and I would love to get to know her because she’s your niece and that pretty much makes her my niece but I just… I’m just fucked up. I guess I was just blindsided. I didn’t really get a chance to work it all out in my head first.”
Jonghyun suddenly feels like he kicked a bunny because Jinki looks so upset and it’s obvious he is trying so hard to keep it together and get over this mental block that makes him shy away from kids. Jonghyun doesn’t really think, he simply finds himself at the other end of the table, pulling Jinki up and out of his chair into a suffocating hug, the older returning the gesture without a second thought.
“I don’t hate Eunji,” Jinki whispers, his voice sounding thick and Jonghyun’s heart is about to shatter because he hears tears and it’s all his fault.
“Jinki, baby, I’m so sorry. God, I feel like such an asshole right now. I should have talked to you first I just… it never even crossed my mind that you didn’t like kids and I just feel awful right now, fuck.”
“It’s not that I don’t like kids. I like kids, just… from a distance,” Jinki says, a half-smile pulling at his lips.
“Baby, I’ve always wanted you to meet Eunji because all I can think about is how much she will love you and how much you will love her. You would be so great with kids. Like, the actual best. She would probably like you more than me actually. You are so fun and silly and really just perfect all around. She would love you and you don’t even understand how great you would be with her,” Jonghyun’s arms are still loosely wrapped around Jinki’s waist but he pulls back enough to look the elder in the eye in hopes that Jinki will realize how serious his words are.
“Do you really think so?” Jinki is really smiling for the first time as if the idea that he would be good with children never even crossed his mind.
“God yes. You would build blanket forts and make play dough sculptures and she would worship the ground you walk on because you’re Uncle Jinki,” Jonghyun smiles softly, in awe at how blindly Jinki sees himself sometimes.
“I know it’s irrational but I’m still just scared. There are just so many things that can go wrong. I just can’t live with myself if she gets hurt and it’s my fault.”
“Well guess what? You aren’t alone. We are in this together, remember?”
“You really think she will like me? You really think I can do this?”
“I never doubted it for a second.”
~~~
After their little breakthrough of sorts Jonghyun had such high hopes for their week with Eunji. He was so excited about Jinki meeting his niece despite everything and he was positive that Jinki would do great. They had talked everything out and Jinki seemed so calm about the whole situation that Jonghyun was sure everything would be great.
Jonghyun was wrong.
Jinki has been nothing more than a breathing statue for most of the week. Jonghyun was running himself exhausted keeping up Eunji and Jinki was focused solely on keeping a three foot buffer between himself and the toddler at all times. Jonghyun had gone as far as to force Jinki to interact with her but the awkward tension was tangible and Eunji, like any child, would eventually get bored with how non-responsive Jinki was towards her and it makes her lose interest quickly. All Jonghyun’s attempts at bringing them all together have been effectively evaded and he is frustrated. Jinki is obviously trying but failing to overcome his issues. Jonghyun isn’t really sure what to do but something has to change.
~~~
“Jonghyun-ah, I’m sorry, I’m really trying. I am! I just-“
“Hyung, close your eyes,” Jonghyun says firmly, cutting him off before he can finish. Jonghyun is fighting his temper back because he can see how upset Jinki is over the whole situation. Jonghyun is frustrated but Jinki is more important right now. Jinki sigh in defeat as he complies, his eyes slipping shut.
His brain is still running a mile a minute, despair and dread all mingled with ever-growing guilt fogging all of his sense and the overwhelming sensation only intensifies as he succumbs to the darkness and seclusion his eyelids provide. Jinki feels like he is going to drown in his own thoughts until he suddenly Jonghyun’s strong arms wrap around his waist and instantly some of the weight that has been burying him the past few days melt away as he instinctively reciprocates the hug, looping his arms around Jonghyun’s broad shoulders, one hand getting lost in his dark brown locks.
“Jinki, relax. It’s okay,” Jonghyun whispers.
Jinki smiles a bit sadly to himself; not bother to respond as he buries his face into Jonghyun’s neck, letting his familiar scent wash away all the negative emotions inside himself until it is just the two of them once again.
“Hyung, I know you are scared. It’s okay. It’s okay to be scared. But I know you are beating yourself up right now and that isn’t okay,” Jonghyun’s words are gentle, the soothing tone melting into Jinki’s bones but those doubts are still lingering.
“I- I don’t know if I can,” Jinki finally breathes out, his voice shaky and weak.
Jonghyun pulls back slowly, staying nose to nose, his hand gently sliding up Jinki’s chest, cupping his face as if Jinki were made of the most delicate and fragile glass. Jonghyun’s thumb flitting tenderly across his cheek while his eyes search out Jinki’s.
Jinki musters up all his strength to meet his eyes and he is taken aback by the tenderness and love he finds staring back at him. Here they are, discussing what a terrible uncle Jinki is turning out to be and still Jonghyun is looking at him like he is the most perfect being in existence. It only serves as another knife deep in his heart because while he has never deserved such affection, today of all days he deserves it even less.
“Hyung, stop thinking about what could go wrong. Stop worrying. She adores you already; you just have to let her in. Just- let yourself,” Jonghyun sounds so confident to Jinki’s tired ears.
Jinki nods even though he isn’t entirely convinced, giving a weak smile in response.
“Eunji’s show is almost over. Why don’t you put her to bed?” Jonghyun suggests, they both know that it isn’t something he is allowed to refuse right now, not that he really wants to. It kills him that his anxiety is keeping him from embracing this precious little girl who looks up at him with joy in her eyes despite how awkward he is around her.
Jinki pulls Jonghyun in for a soft, reassuring kiss, hoping to maybe absorb some of Jonghyun’s self-confidence in the process before breaking away to head into the living room.
Jonghyun stays behind, trying to give Jinki some space and privacy with her; taking away his safety blanket in a sense because Jinki will try to bolt if he knows there is someone else to take the child, he’s been doing it all week after all. Jonghyun is willing to do just about anything to help his boyfriend get over this irrational fear of his niece at this point. Jonghyun knows Jinki can do this, but he can’t help feeling uneasy about it. He had always dreamed of being a father one day, having a son that hopefully inherits the height gene that skipped over himself or maybe a daughter that gets his big brown eyes. In short, he wants a family and he really wants it with Jinki. He wants to be called ‘dad’ and that isn’t going to be possible if Jinki can’t even be in the same room as their child without having a panic attack. He knows that it isn’t fair to put that kind of pressure on Jinki right now. He shouldn’t be judging his parental abilities based on one week of babysitting but he can’t seem to stop using this whole experience as a marker for how they could be in the future. He won’t lie, the picture of them with a little girl makes his heart alight with happiness but it all comes crashing down every time Jinki sidesteps Eunji in an attempt to avoid any kind of physical contact.
He listens at the door, hearing the distinctive sound of the television shutting off and the shuffling of socked feet against carpet. He waits a few minutes until there is nothing but silence before he creeps down the hallway to the spare bedroom where Eunji is sleeping. He isn’t spying, definitely not spying; he just wants to make sure everything is going smoothly.
Thankfully Jinki has left the door cracked, enough that Jonghyun can see inside and what he sees is slowly making his heart melt inside his chest. Eunji is tucked under the blue plaid comforter of their guest bed clutching her stuffed bunny rabbit tightly and Jinki is sitting in the desk chair that he has pulled up beside her; a book propped open on his lap. He’s still in the beginning of the story but already his hands are waving wildly; switching fluidly between his deep narrator voice and his high-pitched squeak of a princess voice. Jonghyun can hear the shakiness of his tone, the note of uncertainty is still very much present but Jinki is pushing through. Judging by the wide-eyed stare from Eunji, she doesn’t notice a thing and is completely enthralled by the story, hanging on his every word. Jinki weaving this elaborate story; a magical new world constructed entirely of words and it’s just perfect. A smile creeps onto Jonghyun’s face and a warm drop of happiness slips into his heart as he watches silently from the doorway. Jinki has stops reading from the book entirely, making it up as he goes along so he can focus more on his hand gestures, his voices becoming more defined as he gains confidence. Eunji is giggling up a storm now as Jinki is making each character so unique and real for her, neither of them even noticing Jonghyun as he pushes the door open further.
Jonghyun can hear the happiness, the joy in Jinki’s tone as he loses himself in the act of storytelling, focusing solely on making Eunji enjoy herself to the fullest. She looks so happy, so completely immersed into this fantasy world and Jinki is following right along with her. He looks so happy and content like this. His fears forgotten as he gets wrapped up tales of unicorns and court jesters and her eyes are glowing with the thoughts of dragons and sword fights and talking animals. It’s so real to her because Jinki is making it so real, so full of life. It’s absolutely perfect.
Jonghyun can feel himself falling more in love by the second as he watches his boyfriend bonding with his niece for the first time. In that moment all his fears are put to rest because Jinki is winning her heart more and more with every word. Jinki is perfect with children, just like Jonghyun always knew he would be. Even from a distance, Jonghyun can see that Eunji is fighting her heavy eyelids; stifling yawn after yawn and it’s as if Jinki is born to do this, reading her every move without infringing on his storytelling abilities. He slowly begins to wind the story down, tying up those pesky little loose ends, making everyone have their happy ending and bringing a satisfied smile to the little girl’s face.
“And they all lived happily ever after. The end,” Jinki’s voice is soft, barely even a whisper as he brings the story to a close, snapping the unused book shut and placing it carefully on the bedside table.
“Uncle Jinki?” Eunji mutters, her eyes practically closed as she snuggles down deeper into her blankets.
“Hmm?”
“Will you read me a story again tomorrow night?”
“Sure sweetie,” He responds, that note of happiness in his voice only amplifying by her obvious approval.
“Uncle Jinki?”
“Yes, Eunji?”
“Tuck me in?”
His smile is soft and tender as he smoothes the covers, carefully flattening out every wrinkle and tucking the ends of the blanket tightly around her. He plants a soft, hesitant kiss against her forehead before whispering one last goodnight into her hair. It’s a scene Jonghyun has envisioned in his head so many times before but suddenly he realizes that his imagination could never do this justice. The moment is too perfect, his heart too full. Jinki is absolutely perfect and he is all Jonghyun’s.
As Jinki turns to leave, he finally notices his audience of one hovering outside the open doorway. The two silently creep into the bright hallway and carefully close the door, being sure to leave it open just a crack, and retreating back to the living room.
Jinki looks a bit sheepish, unsure what to say or do but Jonghyun takes away all his uncertainty when he gathers the elder into a firm hug. Jonghyun is pretty sure Jinki is actually shaking a little bit but Jonghyun can also feel the tension leaving Jinki’s shoulders as the elder melts into his arms and Jonghyun kind of finds it precious that is boyfriend who is responsible for killing all the spiders in their apartment, the man who giggles through horror movies and smiles, completely un-phased, through a haunted house is literally quaking with fear over a little girl in a princess-themed pajama set. It was kind of adorable really and it only made Jonghyun fall that much more in love. Jonghyun has everything he never even knew he wanted and needed in another person right here in his arms and he feels like the absolute luckiest person alive. Even if they never has a child to call their own, it’ll be okay, because he has Jinki and that’s all he really needs.
“See? I told you she would like you better than me.”
A/N Sorry, beta was too busy to get to this and I didn’t have time to find a back up. Hope my sorry excuse for editing was okay… :/