The Single Files
Title: The Single Files
Pairing: Onew/Key
Genre: Fluff/Comedy
Rating: PG
Warning(s): n/a
Word count: 1363
Summary:
To Jonghyun: Kill me. Actually kill me.
To Kibum: Date is going well I see…
unbetaed :/
“Can I take your order?” the waiter asked, pencil poised over his notepad.
Kibum sighed, glancing over the menu without enthusiasm. He didn't even like Thai food. What would be the quickest thing to eat? Anything to make this date end as soon as possible. This guy was so awful it felt like he was on some kind of comedy show. It wasn't humanly possible for anyone to be this bad, right? It was official, he was swearing off of men forever. No more dating apps for him, this was one bad date, in a string of bad dates and Kibum just wasn’t having it anymore. There apparently wasn’t a single man in all of South Korea who wasn’t a complete dick, so why bother?
“We’ll have the peanut noodles with a side of dumplings,” Kibum’s date said. The jackass hadn't even bother to ask him what he wanted.
“He will have the peanut noodles, I will have the ginger chicken soup. If you had asked me before trying to order for me, I would have told you that I am allergic to peanuts,” Kibum snapped none too gently. He didn’t have the patience for this.
“Oh.”
“Is that all?” The waiter raised an eyebrow at Kibum, clearly amused by the icy tension permeating from Kibum.
“Yes, thank you,” Kibum sighed, handing him the menu and immediately grabbing his phone once again.
“So… like I was saying. I was very interested in stocks and investing. Taking this tiny amount of money and watching it grow, grow, grow…” Kibum tuned him out again. This idiot had been talking nonstop since they met up.
Was the universe punishing him for something? Kibum didn’t like to think of himself as vain but… he didn’t find himself unattractive. He knew how to use his good qualities to his advantage. He deserved better than this. He was young and hot and a pretty good conversationalist, there was no reason why he was stuck dating this breathing billboards for celibacy.
“And would you believe it! I lost it all! Every last penny!”
Kibum fiddled with his phone, checking and rechecking for messages. Anything to distract himself. He glanced at the man seated across from him, still filling the air between them with useless noise looking happy as a clam and Kibum let go of any and all pretenses.
To Jonghyun: Kill me. Actually kill me.
To Kibum: Date is going well I see…
To Jonghyun: He’s AWFUL. he keeps beckoning me to follow him like i’m a dog or something. it’s so demeaning. and he told me I was lazy because I haven’t joined any clubs after work.
To Kibum: WTF?
To Jonghyun: I’m serious! And he made some comment about how if he had met me a year ago, we would be living together by now.
To Kibum: What does that even mean?
To Jonghyun: I think it was meant as a “this is how much i like you”
To Kibum: na, that’s just creepy
To Jonghyun: I know, okay
To Kibum: why are you still there?
To Jonghyun: idk. how do you just leave… mid date? We haven’t even gotten food yet and I’m already ready to poison his drink.
before Jonghyun could reply, the waiter returned to the table with their drinks. “Excuse me, sir. You have a phone call at the front desk,” The man told him, looking straight at Kibum, adding a quick wink when Kibum frowned at him.
“Oh? Okay…” He muttered, confused. No one knew he was here and it’s not like the waiter knew his name so how would he know it was for him. His date seemed unphased though so Kibum took the bait, following the waiter around to the front desk.
“How did you get stuck with him?” The waiter asked, smiling like they were old friends as he led Kibum around to the servers station, hidden from view.
“Hmm?”
“Oh come on, you knew that phone call line was fake,” He said with an eyeroll.
“Well yeah but... “
“You looked ready to stick a fork through his eye, I figured I could give you a reprieve. Besides, I don’t wanna clean blood off the floor tonight,” He explained with a goodnatured chuckle.
Kibum laughed, really laughed. His whole body relaxing. Not only was this waiter infinitely more attractive than the guy seated at Kibum’s table, his personality was warm and inviting rather than revolting. It was kind of a no-brainer.
“Here, you can sit,” his new friend pointed to a small table just inside the kitchen doors, “What are you drinking?”
“Just a coke is fine,” Kibum responded, taking a seat.
“I’m Jinki by the way,” He said as he filled a glass with ice before plopping in against the soda machine.
“Kibum,” he responded.
“Well Kibum, you didn’t answer my question. How did you get stuck with that gem out there?”
“God, he’s so awful,” Kibum whined, “It was a blind date, obviously.”
“Well i’ll gladly help you sneak out the back if you want?” Jinki offered.
“That’s tempting but I’ll probably just make up a sick relative or something.”
“Roommate lost his key and the landlord is out. That’s my favorite one. That way I don’t have to kill off dear auntie Soobin every time I have a bad date. The fake tears get exhausting,” Jinki suggested, sitting down across from Kibum with his own drink.
“I like that, simple, clean, logical….”
“Exactly.”
“So… tell me Jinki. When do you get your break?” Kibum asked, smiling.
“As soon as your table is finished up,” He responded, a knowing little smirk on his pretty lips.
“Well here’s the thing. I’m hungry. This is a restaurant. You are about to go on break…” Kibum trailed off with a suggestive quirk of his eyebrow.
“You go get rid of the dead weight sitting in the dining room and I’ll go check on our food,” Jinki’s smile promised Kibum everything his current date was lacking.
Kibum returned to the table, a spring in his step. He explained with poorly veiled glee his fictitious predicament.
“What about dinner?” he date asked.
“I’m sorry, I really must go,” Kibum tried to look sad but he just didn’t care enough anymore.
“Well we could get the food to go and go back to your place…”
“No.”
“But there’s a hotel right around the corner I thought we might…”
Kibum’s lip upturned into a sneer. This asshole still had the audacity to suggest sex after this monstrosity of a date? As if. “I said, no.”
Before the asshole could say another word, Jinki was coming towards the table. A fake smile plastered on and a to-go box in hand. “Here you are sir, please pay at the front.”
“I didn’t ask for this to-go,” his date started, clearly agitated.
“I’m sorry I must have…” Jinki started to apologize but Kibum cut him off.
“That’s perfect, thanks,” a sickeningly sweet smile on his face. “Thank you for the lovely time but I really must hurry,” Kibum said to his date, turning on his heel and walking away without a second glance. He ducked behind the kitchen doors where Jinki had hidden him before, watching as his date, fuming, made his way to the front.
“That… was awesome,” JInki announced when he entered the kitchen once again.
“You should have dropped something in his lap. After that date, the jackass still asked me to go to a motel!” Kibum told him, snorting because… how ridiculous.
“You’re kidding!”
“I wish. Hands down, the worst date of my entire life,” Kibum grumbled.
“Well, sit. Let me make it up to you,” JInki motioned to the table, meandering into the kitchen before returning with two plates.
Kibum couldn’t help but smile. Seated in the back of the restaurant, cooks screaming and dishes clanking all around, and it was already shaping up to be the best date he’d ever been on. At the very least, the best first date story he would ever have.
He pulled out his phone, seeing a series of messages for Jonghyun. He would read them later, right now, he was going to enjoy his date.
~~
I wrote this based on an au prompt on tumblr but i can't find the prompt now... whoops....
also, this was 100000% based on my personal experiences of dating in Korea... yes, i really had guys do and say this shit to me :/