Crossover fic of DOOOOOM

[krabapple]

Seriously.

Title: Needles and Feathers
Fandoms House, M.D./Harry Potter
Pairing: Gregory House/Lisa Cuddy/Remus Lupin; mentions of past Remus/Sirius
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I own nothing that has anything to do with House, M.D. or Harry Potter, or anything affiliated with them.
Feedback: Always appreciated.
Summary: House gets talked into taking on a new patient. Antics ensue.
Warnings/Author's Notes: Complete and utter crossover crackfic. I really need to stay away from those character memes. The only real warning is for the threesome aspect, which includes het, of course. Otherwise, there's only exposition!Cuddy, secretive!Remus, and I think Foreman came off as much more of a jerk than I intended. Sorry, Foreman. I love you, I do. Also, many special thanks to dsbs for a terrific beta.



House was halfway to the elevator before he saw Wilson standing in front of it, holding what was clearly a patient chart.

Damn. He was getting slow.

No time to turn back to the door, and he wouldn't make even a fake duck into the clinic if his life depended on it. Besides, Wilson had already seen him, and was smirking.

Shit.

House walked up to Wilson, his face obviously declaring his boredom.

Wilson hit the "up" button, and held up the chart.

"I have a patient for you."

"Nope."

"You only have one patient on your roster right now, and she's scheduled to check out tomorrow."

The two men stepped on the elevator when it opened. "Do you even have a job at this hospital? Other than checking up on me, I mean?"

Wilson ignored the barb. House noted Wilson was getting really good at that. Retorts he could work with; silence was harder. He sensed he was in a bit of trouble with that particular situation.

"This one's a doozy," Wilson said instead.

"So you say."

"Forty-five year old male, brought in this morning. British national. Visiting professor at Princeton. Collapsed during a lecture. Symptoms include shortness of breath, high fever, fluid in the lungs, pain in his joints. He seized once an hour and a half after arrival."

They stepped out of the elevator and headed toward House's office. This time, it was House's turn to smirk. "Sounds like severe and prolonged pneumonia to me. A few complications, maybe. Put him on Levaquin, he should bounce right back."

"But pneumonia doesn't explain the neurological symptoms," Wilson countered.

"It does if he has meningitis as a secondary infection."

"I'm not talking about the seizure."

House stopped in front of his office and turned to Wilson. "So what are you talking about?"

"He's confused, babbles incoherently."

"Meningitis," House repeated. Louder.

"Just because you said it louder doesn't mean it's right," Wilson replied calmly.

House just waited.

"He's going on about 'anti-Apparition wards' and why we have them here."

"So he's crazy," House shrugged and walked into his office. Wilson followed.

"Maybe. Or he could have a clot, or a tumor. He's also talking about how the full moon is in two days. And mumbling about 'Sirius'."

"So he's obsessed with satellite radio. It's a damn fine invention, if I do say so myself."

"House."

House sighed. "What is he, some sort of relative?"

Wilson had the grace to look sheepish.

House dropped heavily into his chair. "Really? Like that other cousin you had?"

"Not exactly."

"What does 'not exactly' mean?"

"It means this time it's true."

House dropped his jaw and widened his eyes, making himself looked shocked. "No, you don't say."

Wilson sighed. "It's true. Third cousin twice removed on my mother's side, or something."

"So you're close then."

Wilson dropped the chart onto House's desk. "Just take the case."

"Fine. You don't have to be pissy about it." House shook his head.

Wilson shot him a look, and then started fumbling in the pocket of his lab coat. "One more thing. He came in with this." Wilson produced a stick and showed it to House.

"It's a stick, Wilson."

"You know any sticks that can do this?" Wilson flipped his wrist and a small group of white and yellow sparks shot out the end of the wood.

"Cool." House took the stick from Wilson. "Let me try." House mimicked Wilson's wrist motion, but nothing happened. He tried again; and again, no sparks.

"Well," House said. He handed the stick back to Wilson. "Put it with the rest of his personal effects."

Wilson nodded, and then started to head out. "Oh. And he refuses to give a history."

House raised an eyebrow. "I'll put Cameron on that. She'll have him sobbing out his life story within the hour."

***

As it happened, not even Cameron was able to get much of a history.

She was sitting at the table along with Foreman and Chase, and she looked a bit devastated. "He wouldn't tell me anything. I barely got out of him what his name was and where he worked."

Chase hid a grin behind the eraser of the pencil he was holding.

House was busy with the whiteboard. He wrote "Remus Lupin" at the top and started listing symptoms underneath that.

Foreman looked bored as he eyed the symptoms. "The man has pneumonia. He's developed meningitis and endocarditis as secondary infections. Lupin's sick, but a strong course of antibiotics and he should be fine."

"That doesn't explain the neurological symptoms," House shot back.

"So he says stuff about Apparition and wards and full moons. That doesn't mean he's sick," Foreman said.

"Doesn't mean he's not," Chase added.

"Ah, a word in from our resident Brit," House pointed to Chase. "I like that."

Chase rolled his eyes. "I told you I'm Australian."

"Whatever. You have a funny accent. I'm putting you onto the case of taking a history; maybe Lupin will respond to his fellow Queen worshiper."

Chase sighed, while Foreman pressed the advantage. "I still don't see why any of this is necessary."

"And yet you're the neurologist. Makes me wonder how you sleep at night."

Foreman looked ready to chuck his coffee across the room, but he didn't back down. "So maybe he's just crazy. Or delirious from the fever. Or on drugs. Whatever it is, there's no reason to do anything but treat the pneumonia and be done with it."

"But I'm also ordering MRI and PET scans in addition to a spinal tap. Amazing. Oh, and we'll try that antibiotic thing with some Levaquin."

Foreman rolled his eyes and shrugged. "You're the boss."

"How kind of you to notice. And I want to know why he's sick, too."

"People pick up pneumonia all the time," Cameron started.

"Good. I needed a volunteer. You and I are going to go break into Mr. Lupin's house." House pointed at Cameron, then at himself. Cameron started to sputter.

"You just like breaking into people's houses," Foreman said.

"I do. I really do," House said, and for a moment, he almost looked wistful. "But pneumonia this bad isn't your garden variety. Foreman, you're on the MRI and PET. Chase, I want a history out of him. The man's got to talk sometime."

"You'd be the first to say that his history probably won't be accurate," Foreman pointed out.

House shrugged. "Gotta start somewhere. There's something about this that doesn't add up."

Foreman and Chase exchanged a look.

House pointed a finger at them. "Get moving." Then he pointed to Cameron. "Let's roll."

***

Remus Lupin kept a small house near the University. Two bedrooms, one bath, and just as tidy as it was small. No television, but many candles, and shelves and shelves of books.

Cameron looked around. "I don't think we'll find anything here."

"Spoilsport," House said, heading straight for the bedroom. Cameron quickly followed.

"Why are you starting in here?"

"Why not?" House asked.

"I just . . ."

"It embarrasses you."

"Excuse me?"

"It embarrasses you, to be in a strange man's bedroom without his knowledge. Disappointing. I was hoping you were a little kinkier than that." House opened the closet door.

"I am not."

House raised an eyebrow at her before starting to rummage through the closet's top shelf. "Embarrassed or kinky?"

"I -- Embarrassed."

House's second eyebrow joined the first.

Cameron flushed a little, and House rolled his eyes. "If you're going to be here, be useful. Start looking under the bed."

"Are we really here looking for what made Mr. Lupin sick?" Cameron asked, dropping to her knees and lifting the bed's dust ruffle.

"Of course."

"Which is why we started in the bedroom." Cameron peered under the bed. "There's nothing here."

House pulled some old boxes off the closet shelf. "A man that secretive has secrets. I want to know what they are."

Cameron frowned. "I thought people shouldn't throw stones in glass houses."

"If that's supposed to subtly imply that I, too, have secrets, I would have gone with a pot/kettle reference," House said, opening up the first box. It had been one of the heavier ones, and House was unsurprised to see it contained books.

"Now. What kind of books does a literature professor not put on his bookshelves?"

"Books he doesn't have room for," Cameron supplied.

"Have you learned nothing? The answer is: books he doesn't want anyone to know he has."

"Like his pornography stash?" Cameron asked.

"You're just getting more and more interesting, Cameron," House said. Cameron put her fists on her hips. House answered her question. "Maybe. Or maybe not."

House scanned the titles of the books. Advanced Potions, Ancient Runes: Their Mystery and Power, Three Hundred and Sixty Five Charms of Practical Purpose, and at least a half dozen volumes that contained Defence and Dark Arts in the titles. House frowned.

Cameron walked over to where House was standing. "So what are they?" she asked, starting to lean over so she could look in the box. Without knowing quite why, House put the lid back on the box before she could really get a good look.

"You were right. Porn. Let's move on."

Cameron looked doubtful, but nodded her head. "I'll try other parts of the house. You seem to have the bedroom covered." House noticed the tone in her voice, but left it alone so that he could pursue what was in the other boxes.

***

It was late afternoon by the time everyone reconvened next to House's office.

"So what did you find at Mr. Lupin's house?" Foreman asked.

"Nothing," House said a little too quickly.

Cameron looked at him suspiciously, but confirmed, "Nothing. Lupin's house is clean; nothing so much as a hint of anything toxic."

"What did the tests show?" House asked Foreman.

Foreman shrugged. "MRI and PET were clean; no clots, tumors, blockage. Normal brain function. Drug test was negative, too. Tests were positive for bacterial pneumonia, meningitis and endocarditis. He's responding to the antibiotics very well; fever's going down and he's resting. No more seizures or incoherent babbling." Foreman folded his hands. "Looks like this one was straightforward, House."

"Nothing's ever straightforward, Foreman," House replied.

Foreman rolled his eyes. House looked at Chase. "What did you find out?"

"Very little," Chase said. "Not much more than we knew before," he shrugged.

"Huh." House furrowed his brow.

"Who cares?" Foreman asked.

"Excuse me?" House brought his head up.

"Who cares if he ever gives us a complete history or not? We know enough about him to make him well; he's getting better. You did a favor for Wilson. So what? Why are you taking such an interest in this patient?"

Cameron looked at Foreman in surprise, but eventually tilted her head in agreement. Chase remained silent, but it was clear he felt the same way.

"I hate it when the patients make me talk to them," House said and left the room, leaving Cameron, Foreman, and Chase looking at each other.

***

When House appeared in the doorway to Remus Lupin's room, it was to find Lisa Cuddy sitting in a chair next to the bed, quietly talking with the patient.

"What, are you related to him, too?" House asked.

Both Lupin and Cuddy looked toward the door. Cuddy gave a little shake of her head and rolled her eyes. "Remus Lupin, meet Doctor House."

"Pleasure," Lupin said from the bed.

"I'm sure," House answered. He turned his attention back to Cuddy.

She answered the unspoken question. "Just trying to take more of a day-to-day interest in the hospital and its patients," she said.

"Great. Mind doing it somewhere else?"

Cuddy looked at Lupin, and to House's surprise, he smiled. "Not to worry. I have some practice dealing with prickly bastards."

Cuddly smiled, too, and rose from her chair. "Well, then, I'll leave you two alone." She walked up to House until she was inches away. "Mind telling me why you're taking such an interest in this patient?"

"Funny. Foreman asked me the same question."

"You didn't answer mine."

House pointed at Lupin, a little viciously. "He refuses to give a history."

"And that bothers you?" Cuddy asked. She continued without waiting for an answer. "This just gets more and more interesting."

"Don't you need to go find your assistant and have a little evening session?"

Cuddy only smiled. "Maybe," she said, turning around to leave the room, the sound of her heels a small click-clack against the floor.

Which left House alone with Lupin. House looked at the man; he was clearly in his mid-forties, though he looked a bit older, and his hair was rapidly becoming gray; brown threads could be seen through the silver, but not as much as House had expected for a man of that age. Lupin's face also seemed prematurely lined, but not enough to hide the restless intelligence in his eyes or the rounded shape of his cheekbones. Faint scars lined the backs of his hands. House started around the far side of the bed, intent on taking the chair Cuddy had exited.

"So who was he?" House asked.

"Excuse me?"

"The prickly bastard you were referring to earlier. I'd guess he was a lover, from the sound of your voice."

Lupin barely blinked, and shrugged. "I believe that's none of your business, Doctor House."

"It is if he left your immune system compromised from an STD or HIV."

"He didn't," Lupin answered calmly.

"But you admit he was your lover."

Lupin shrugged again. "I'm not ashamed of that. I haven't been for a long time," he said calmly.

"Oh-so-admirable, Mr. Lupin." Sarcasm was evident in House's voice. "Who was he? James? Peter?" House watched what little color there was in Lupin's face drain out of it. "I'd bet on Sirius, though, from what you were muttering when you were brought in here."

A hard line came to Lupin's mouth that House wouldn't have anticipated. Good for him.

House continued. "Definitely Sirius. Photos, letters, notes. Weird moving pictures. Strange name, but handsome man. Pity he didn't age well."

Lupin's eyes flashed. "Don't speak of what you don't know about, Doctor House," he said.

House leaned back in the chair. "Well, I might know about it if you'd told me."

"And yet you know anyway," Lupin pointed out. "What did you do, search my house?"

House ignored the question. "Where is he now?"

"Dead," Lupin said simply.

"How?"

At this, Lupin's lips twisted a bit. "Fell through a curtain. Ten years ago."

"And then he dropped thirty stories? No one dies by drapery."

Lupin shrugged.

"Anyone else?"

"Are you really that interested in my sex life, Dr. House?"

This time, House shrugged. "I am if it's what led to you being sick. Otherwise, no."

A noticeable smirk titled the corners of Lupin's mouth. "Right. Of course."

House just waited.

"A couple of blokes over the years. One woman. Nothing serious."

"In ten years."

"In ten years," Lupin confirmed.

"Must have really loved the bastard."

Lupin didn't say anything.

"I think your immune system is compromised somehow. It's what made you susceptible to what caused the pneumonia, and it's what caused the symptoms to go haywire and spread the bacteria around your body. It's likely no one else you know has been sick; just you. Tests for lupus and other diseases of the immune system came back negative. It's not HIV; I ran the test three times, negative all three times."

"I could have told you that," Lupin said.

"But you didn't."

"I told everyone what they needed to know."

"No you didn't. You lied."

"I told the truth about everything."

House shook his head. "You, Mr. Lupin, lie by omission."

"And you, Doctor House, lie through sarcasm and being abrasive. You tell me which one is better."

"I will find out," House rose from the chair.

"You'll have to get it done by the day after tomorrow," Lupin replied.

House stopped. "Why?"

"I'll be leaving then."

House shook his head. "No, you won't."

Lupin didn't argue, just set his jaw. House was beginning to think Lupin knew about prickly bastards because he was one.

"Mr. Lupin, you are extremely ill. You have pneumonia, as well as meningitis and endocarditis. The medication might be making you feel better, but you are by no means healthy enough to go home. It will be at least a week until you can leave here, and you'll have to continue medication even after you leave. Trust me, you're not going anywhere."

Lupin raised an eyebrow. "We'll see about that."

***

Two days later, Remus Lupin was gone. He hadn't checked himself out, and no one saw or remembered him leaving.

***

Three days later, Cameron caught up to where House was walking out of the clinic; Cameron had half-run the distance from the elevator, and was slightly out of breath.

House started to ask what she wanted, but she cut him off.

"Remus Lupin is back."

"Glad to hear it. Let's throw a parade."

Cameron shook her head. "Not like that. He didn't just walk in the front door."

"Of course not." House started toward the elevator. "The man is extremely ill; he probably collapsed again."

Cameron shook her head, keeping pace with him. "No. He was brought in by paramedics this morning, but that's because someone found him in the woods not far from his house. He's . . ." Cameron paused.

House gave her the universal sign for: "do go on before I completely lose patience with this conversation."

They stepped into the elevator together. "He's covered in abrasions. Deep slashes, cuts, bruises, even bite marks. He looks . . . he looks like he was nearly mauled to death by a dog. His kidneys are starting to shut down because the pneumonia bacteria are still spreading. And the delusions are back; he keeps saying that the potion didn't work because of the antibiotics and he keeps going on about the Apparition wards here."

The elevator pinged and stopped. Cameron stepped out, but paused when House didn't. "Maybe not a dog," he said thoughtfully. House put his cane out to stop the elevator doors from closing. "Treat the new abrasions; put him back on the Levaquin. I have an errand to run." He put his cane down, and the doors shut.

***

Cuddy was in a meeting with the head of finance when House swung the door open over the protests of her assistant.

Cuddy put a hand up to stop House and shook her head. "I'm in the middle of something here . . ."

"How do you know Remus Lupin?"

"What?"

"How do you know Remus Lupin? Did you date him? Friend of the family? School chum?" House put the emphasis on chum.

Cuddy sighed, and turned to the head of finance. "Sorry, Jerry, something seems to have come up. Can we reschedule?"

House turned to address Cuddy's current company. "Yes, Jerry, something has come up. It has something to do with an actual patient in this hospital, and not how you can rub two more nickels together by skimping on the price of bed sheets."

Jerry shot a look at Cuddy and left.

"I'll call you," she said in his wake. She sighed and turned to House, who was still standing in front of her desk.

"What is going on now?" she asked.

"Remus Lupin. I want to know what you know about him and how you know it."

"Because you saw me talking to him? I was doing Wilson a favor, visiting his family member. Wilson visited him, too."

"You are an abominable liar, and if you must do it, at least stick to the same lie. The first time I asked you, you said you were trying to take more of a day-to-day interest in the hospital. Now it's a favor for Wilson. I'll ask you again: How do you know Remus Lupin?"

Cuddy sighed. "I went to high school at an all-girls school up in Salem. Mr. Lupin went to a school with a similar curriculum in Scotland. I knew him by reputation, and wanted to meet him in person. Is that so terrible?"

"No, but you lied about it, which means it's important." House paused. "This curriculum wouldn't have anything to do with potions or anti-Apparition wards or pictures that move on their own do they? Or maybe sticks that shoot sparks?"

Cuddy looked at House like his head had just flown off. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I think you know exactly what I'm talking about." House slammed his cane onto Cuddy's desk, hard, and she jumped. "What do you know about Remus Lupin?”

Cuddy sighed and covered her face with her hand. When she looked up again she said, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me. Because the man came in days ago with an aggressive pneumonia with secondary infections. He left yesterday, the day of the full moon." He noticed Cuddy's face flicker at the mention of the full moon. "He's back now, found in the woods, looking like he's near death from a canine attack, and his kidneys are shutting down. I'm pretty sure there's something compromising his immune system, but I can't find out what because the man refuses to give any kind of a normal history. So, you know, I'm willing to give anything a whirl right now."

Cuddy tilted her head and gave him a sharp, measuring look. There was silence until she finally said, "He's a wizard."

"Is that some kind of English cult I've never heard of?"

Cuddy shifted her eyes. "Not exactly. He's . . . a wizard." She stopped, sighed, and looked House in the eye. "The short story: Magic is real. A small section of the population can perform magic; they're called witches and wizards. People who can't do magic are called Muggles by witches and wizards. Schools are set up all over the world to train wizarding children. I went to an academy for girls here in Salem. Remus Lupin went to the school in the UK, called Hogwarts. It's one of the best wizarding schools in the world, if not the best. Britain grew a dark wizard in the late seventies who waged war on the wizarding population of Britain. If he hadn't been stopped, he would have continued onto the rest of Europe, then America, then the rest of the world. Remus Lupin fought in the war to stop him both in the seventies and eighties and then when the wizard resurrected himself in the mid-nineties; he was close friends with key players in the wars, especially the young man who stopped the dark wizard both times, who was the son of one of Lupin's school friends. Lupin kept a low profile, but he taught at Hogwarts for a time, and America is more open to talking about the wizarding wars, so we tend to know as much or more than the Europeans do. As I said, I didn't know him personally, but I knew who he was, certainly."

"So you're a witch?"

"Yes."

"And Lupin's a wizard?"

"Yes."

"So why didn't you just say so?

Cuddy looked aghast. "You think most people would believe that?"

"I just did."

"You, House, are not most people."

House ignored what was either a joke or a compliment. "Why did Lupin leave? Why is he obsessed with the full moon? Those bites were canine . . ." he trailed off, waiting for Cuddy to either prove or disprove his thinking.

"I think Lupin's a werewolf," she said, biting her lip.

"Thanks for mentioning that before."

"I didn't know that before!" Cuddy exclaimed, slamming her palms on the desk. "You don't understand. In the wizarding world, werewolves, lycanthropy - it's considered vile. Not just dangerous, but inhuman. Werewolves must register with the government, get tattooed, and are monitored. It's almost one step away from making them wear yellow stars on their coats. And those are the lucky ones. The unlucky ones are just shot with a silver bullet to the head. There's never been a werewolf at a wizarding school; Lupin must have been the first." She stopped and drew a breath. "It's better here in the States, but not by much. Bigotry takes lots of different forms, House. I'm sure it's a secret Lupin has kept for years; there's no way he would have told anyone. Anyone. There have been rumors, assignments he took during the wars, but nothing ever confirmed."

"The lycanthropy is what is compromising his immune system. It probably has been since he was . . ." House trailed off, not sure what term to use.

"Bitten," Cuddy supplied. "Wizarding is often genetic, but not always. I'm the only witch in my family; wizards call that being Muggle-born. Werewolves are made by being bitten by another werewolf, often as children."

House took this in, his eyes focusing as he thought. "There's no way to cure the lycanthropy."

Cuddy shook her head. "No. In the last decade or so there's been the development of a potion - a brew, a medicine - called Wolfsbane, which stops the symptoms. The werewolf still changes into a wolf, but keeps his or her 'human' mind; the wolf is docile, more reasonable, less dangerous."

"Lupin's been raving since he got here this morning that the antibiotics kept the potion from working."

"That's probably true; not enough has been done to study werewolves and Wolfsbane, its interactions with other medications or possible side effects."

"Your people don't believe in drug testing?"

"It's a complicated culture." Cuddy shrugged. "That's one reason I live in both worlds."

"So a werewolf just ran loose in Princeton last night?" House asked.

"I don't think so. If Lupin is as badly damaged as you say he is, then there probably wasn't much danger. If they have no prey at hand, werewolves will attack themselves. That sounds like what happened last night."

House shuddered involuntarily. "And there's no way to keep the lycanthropy from compromising his immune system." It wasn't a question.

"Not that I know of, if the lycanthropy really is doing what you think it is," Cuddy said. "Wizards don't really care much about the average werewolf; I doubt any studies have been done, and I doubt even more any such studies would have looked like research and not like experimentation. Probably, no one even knows that the lycanthropy does that to the people who suffer from it."

House brought his cane down to the ground again.

Cuddy looked at him sharply. "I know that look."

"What look?" House arranged his face into one of angelic innocence, or at least as close as he could come to it.

"You know what look. That look. The one that says the odds aren't going to stop you from trying."

"I've never cared much about the odds," House said.

Cuddy looked at him sideways, then barked a laugh. "Oh, no. Oh, no. I don't believe it."

"What?"

"If I didn't know better I'd say . . ."

"Say what?"

Cuddy smirked. "He really got to you, didn't he?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"You know exactly what I mean."

"I've only met the man once."

"Apparently that was enough."

"Shouldn't it be Wilson I'm having this part of the conversation with?"

Cuddy laughed again. "Fine. Dodge the issue."

"There is no issue. I'm a doctor. A man of science." House started for the door.

"You're a man alright," Cuddy's voice followed him.

House spun toward her as he reached the door. "Afraid I'll be cutting in on your action, Cuddy?"

Cuddy shrugged, still smiling. "Cut in all you want, House."

They looked at each other for a minute before House said, "I'm off to see my patient now."

"You do that," Cuddy said.

"God, you really are a witch," House said as he left, rolling his eyes at Cuddy's assistant as he passed.

***

House was still sitting in the chair by Remus Lupin's bedside, his chin resting on the top of his cane, when Lupin's eyes finally started to flicker open.

"You're an idiot," House greeted him.

Lupin's forehead furrowed until it dawned on him where he was. He worked his mouth a little bit while the machines beside him beeped continuously. There were bandages all over his hands and torso, though Cuddy had been up to help the worst heal with what House had learned was called a wand. Wow, he was never going to get tired of that and Cuddy/wand jokes. It almost made him look forward to coming to work.

"You're an idiot," he told Lupin again.

Lupin turned his head. "Can have I have some water while you're berating me?"

"Sure." House got up and filled a small plastic cup with water from the pitcher near the bed. He handed it to Lupin and watched him drink.

"You're still an idiot, though."

Lupin's head fell back against the pillow. "Are you going to tell me why, or are you just going to keep saying that?"

"You should have told me about the damn lycanthropy."

Lupin nearly dropped the cup he was holding.

House waved a hand. "Yes, yes, I know all about it. Cuddy even turned a needle into a feather for me. It was all fascinating."

Lupin leaned back against the pillow. "Cuddy."

"Yeah, she sort of guessed some things when you came back here looking more like ground meat than human being."

"And she just told you?"

"No, I guessed, too. I'm kind of smart like that," House said.

Lupin looked up in disbelief.

"Well, not all of it," House clarified. "But enough."

Lupin looked down at himself. "Cuddy healed some of these cuts with magic," he said.

"Yes. That was fun to watch, too. We closed the blinds, though. Didn't want to put on a show. My staff thinks a dog attacked you. What with your already weakened state, Cameron especially bought it pretty quickly. Foreman and Chase just don't care. Wilson's more relieved to see you back here on antibiotics than he is anything else. You should have him over for dinner, that Wilson. He's your cousin and all. Very nice guy."

"I don't know if you're trying to set me up with my cousin or not, but if you are, I don't really do that sort of thing," Lupin said.

"Not with cousins, anyway," came House's reply.

"Right," Lupin drawled.

"Unfortunately, we've strayed from the fact that you're an idiot."

Lupin started to open his mouth, but House was quicker. "The lycanthropy is what's compromising your immune system. It's leaving you susceptible to bacteria and infection. You should have told me about it."

"Now that you know about it, is there anything you can do to stop that?"

House grimaced. "No."

Lupin just looked at him.

"But that doesn't mean I can't try."

"Sorry, doctor. I've been through quite enough already, thank you. I'll just take the antibiotics and go home."

"You're a stubborn son-of-a-bitch. I don't care that you're a werewolf. So far today I've learned that werewolves and magic are real; that people fly on brooms; and that you have some sort of sport that involves whacking balls up in the air with huge sticks. Oh, and that the other sticks are really called wands. I don't care about any of that. I do care that you have something that is compromising your ability to stay healthy, and that will probably kill you in the end."

"You don't even . . ." Lupin stopped, exasperated. "You don't even know what any of this is about. You don't even know how to go about helping."

"Not now, but it's one hell of a puzzle."

"I'm not a puzzle."

"No, you're an idiot."

Lupin paused. "I've been used by better men than you, Dr. House. If you want to find someone to experiment on, go find another werewolf."

"Wow. Someone hurt you pretty badly, didn't they?"

"What?"

"Used you up. Manipulated you. Was it Sirius? I bet it was, because that would really be . . ."

House stopped when Lupin threw his plastic up across the room, and then followed that by knocking the pitcher off the bedside table.

That must have taken all of Lupin's strength, because by the time he spoke again, he was clearly trying to catch his breath. "It wasn't Sirius. Not . . . that."

"I don't really care. But it made you angry; that's good."

"What does that matter?"

"It matters because at least when you're angry you'll care about what happens to you, instead of lying there like a dead fish accepting your tragic fate."

"You did that on purpose."

"Duh," House said. "I wanted to see if you had it in you."

"And?"

"You do. We'll just have to work on it a little." House stood and pressed a button on Lupin's IV machine.

"What did you just do?"

"Gave you some more pain medication. Which reminds me." House took a bottle out of his pocket and dry swallowed about three pills.

"What was that?"

"For me, Vicodin. For you, Morphine."

"Morphine?"

"It's a pain killer. Where in England are you from, anyway?"

"Yorkshire. And I know what Morphine is." Lupin was already less tense. "Where would you start?" he asked.

House wasn't startled but what seemed to be a change in subject. "Different auto-immune drugs to pump up your immune system. See how you respond."

"Hmmmm." Lupin's eyes were beginning to drift shut.

"Speaking of England, your house here seems to be fine, but your tests came back positive for fungal pneumonia. You might want to get wherever you're living in England checked for mold."

Lupin's eyes opened again. "I always knew Grimmauld Place was toxic. Harry should burn it to the ground."

"I'm not advocating arson of any kind, Lupin."

"I am," Lupin said, then fell asleep.

***

Two weeks later, House found Cuddy and Lupin in Lupin's hospital room. Lupin was packing up his things to go home. Cuddy handed him his wand.

House watched as Remus twirled it between his long fingers. "That feels right. Good to have it back. Thank you, Lisa."

Cuddy smiled. "My pleasure."

House pounded the bottom of his cane on the floor, twice.

Cuddy didn't even turn around. "We already know you're there, House."

"Do wizards have telepathy, too?"

"No, but we can hear you coming from forty feet away the way you bang that cane around," Lupin replied.

"I do not!" House put on his best indignant voice.

"Always swinging that stick around," Cuddy said.

"My goodness, Doctor Cuddy! Was that a penis reference?" House sounded shocked and, even to his own ears, a little girlish, which was the intention.

Cuddy finally turned her head so she could see him. "If you can make the wand jokes, I can make the cane jokes."

"Very ha, ha," House said. Lupin stifled a real laugh by biting his lip.

"You're still coming, right?" House winced inwardly; that time, he really had sounded like a girl.

Lupin smiled. "Tuesdays and Fridays, four o'clock. After General Hospital." So far, none of the auto-immune drugs had worked, but that wasn't keeping them from attempting to put the puzzle pieces together.

"I do like people who understand my priorities."

"I didn't think you liked anyone," Lupin said.

"Like, tolerate, don't loathe. It's all the same."

Cuddy and Lupin exchanged a look.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't just see that. It will be very hard, and I expect I might need to go home early to compensate for all the strain."

"Nice try, House," Cuddy replied.

Lupin glanced at Cuddy again. "We were, ah . . . er . . . thinking of other things that might compensate for the pressure we've put you under the last couple of weeks."

House raised his eyebrows. "Oh?"

Lupin stepped from around the bed in two strides and was suddenly standing very, very close. "No one cares about my sex life that much."

House swallowed. "I don't particularly, either."

Lupin raised an eyebrow, and for the first time in years, possibly in his life, House felt a bit outclassed. "Right. Of course not."

Cuddy snorted from where she was standing. "You're scheduling yourself clinic time just to see the man. Twice a week. Clinic time. You. You might as well buy rings and run up to Massachusetts with him."

"I'm just working with a patient." House said. "For once." he added.

Lupin put his palm on House's hip. It was very, very warm. "And since you've been so caring, and so concerned with my sex life . . ."

"A couple of men and a woman. In the last ten years," House recited.

"Doesn't mean I forgot how," Lupin said, then continued, "and since you and Cuddy already . . ."

"Already what?"

Lupin grinned.

House whipped his head around to look at Cuddy. "You told him?"

"Like all of those 'love in the afternoon' jokes are subtle. Or the stripper jokes. Or the cleavage jokes. You might as well flash a neon sign above our heads."

"Wilson doesn't know," House objected.

"Wilson knows," Cuddy said.

"He doesn't . . ." House started.

"Look, I like Wilson, he is family and all, but I'm not sure he belongs in this conversation," Lupin said. House's face turned back toward Lupin's which was, House couldn't help but notice, extremely close to his own. House's breath hitched before he could stop himself.

"If I might go on, Lisa and I were talking and she's not . . . adverse to sharing."

"Oh. Sharing who?"

"You. Me. Both of us. Whatever."

"Are you two suggesting . . .?"

"Is it just me, or has his cognitive functioning diminished in the last thirty seconds?" Lupin asked Cuddy.

"All of the blood has rushed out of his head to his cock. Trust me, it happens," Cuddy replied.

Lupin tilted his head. "That might be a nice bonus to the whole thing."

"I like it," Cuddy affirmed.

"Uh . . . can we get back to what we were talking about?" House asked.

"Lisa and I were thinking that maybe sex with the two of us would help ease the stress you've been under."

"With the two of you."

"With both of us," Remus said.

"At the same time."

"Yes. That's usually how a threesome works. In what you've pointed out is my very little experience, thanks."

House was dead silent for a good minute. Lupin and Cuddy looked at each other. "Is he always like this?" Lupin asked.

"No, this is new," Cuddy said.

"I'm just cataloging symptoms to make sure I'm not hallucinating," House piped up.

"You're not delusional," Lupin assured him.

"At least, not right now," Cuddy added.

"So, when?"

"What?" Cuddy responded.

"This, uh. Threesome. When were you suggesting it for?"

Cuddy's eyes widened, but it was Lupin who answered. "We were thinking we could start now . . . then maybe see how it goes."

"Now?"

"Do you object?"

"No, I just . . . there are people out there. And Cuddy's a screamer."

Cuddy rolled her eyes, but pulled out her wand. The blinds to the room were already closed, but she locked the door with a spell and cast a silencing charm. Lupin quirked an eyebrow at her. "Who do you think put up the anti-Apparition wards for safety reasons?"

"You wizards know all sorts of tricks," House said.

"You haven't seen anything yet," Lupin grinned, and then kissed House. The kiss was slow and soft at first, then Lupin gradually increased the kiss in pressure and intensity, his mouth opening and his tongue reaching in to slide against House's. By the time he pulled away, Lupin's eyes had grown hooded, and House was breathing rapidly. Lupin's lips were glistening with moisture. House looked over at Cuddy, whose own breathing had sped up, a faint blush creeping up her chest and neck.

Lupin gestured to Cuddy and she came forward until Lupin had wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close to kiss her. House watched as their mouths moved, as a strand of Cuddy's hair came out of her clip, as she pressed her breasts to Lupin's chest. When Lupin pulled away House groaned, "Oh, fuck," and he leaned in to kiss Cuddy himself.

Cuddy was familiar territory; he knew her lips, her taste, the way she liked to run her tongue across his teeth when they kissed. He reached his hands inside her white coat, palming the curves right above her hips. She moaned and pushed against him a little harder, like she almost always did.

What was different was that Lupin was at his side, nuzzling along his jaw, a mixture of nose and mouth, lips and kisses and small bites. "Merlin, you have the best stubble," Lupin whispered into House's ear, then licked the rounded shell. House shivered.

Cuddy broke away from the kiss, backing up until she hit the bed, her knees bending to sit on the edge. House followed in front of her, abandoning his cane to the floor with a clatter. Lupin's warmth left his side to move to the other side of the bed. Shoes and socks, heels and hose were discarded. Lupin climbed on the bed behind Cuddy, gently moving her hair over one shoulder so he could massage her neck, shoulders, planting small wet kisses in the wake of his fingers. House stood before her as she shed her coat, unbuttoned and took off her blouse. She was wearing a white lace bra with a front closure, and House could already see the slight darkness of her nipples straining through the material. He reached down and with a flick if his index finger opened the closure to the bra, then slipped the same hand inside the cup, moving the fabric aside as he cupped Cuddy's breast.

Cuddy sighed and leaned back into Lupin, resting her head on his shoulder where he was sitting behind her. Lupin reached over her shoulder to run his palm down the breast House wasn't holding, his palm flat against her nipple and rubbing small circles. House couldn't kneel, but he leaned down as far as he could, which was far enough to take the nipple of the breast he had been holding into his mouth. Cuddy's hips bucked forward instinctively, and House started to suck while Lupin continued to rub and kneed the other breast with his palm.

Panting, Cuddy shifted her hips again, rolling them in a slow circle, and then pushed herself farther back onto the bed. Lupin moved back, allowing her room, and allowing House the room to move forward onto the bed. Lupin continued to back away until he got off the bed, shedding his shirt and belt as he walked around to the side where House was. Cuddy moved back just a little further, allowing House close to her, and Lupin close to House.

After he regained a place on the bed, Lupin leaned over House to kiss Cuddy again. The kiss was hungry and a bit sloppy but not at all awkward, and House felt Lupin's hips rise off the bed a little. When Cuddy and Lupin broke apart, Cuddy quickly discarded her unclasped bra and her skirt, then leaned in to kiss House.

While Cuddy kissed him, Lupin's hands were busy on the button of House's pants. He got the button undone and then pulled the zipper down. Lupin's hand reached inside and he cupped House's erection through his boxers, and then squeezed lightly, which made House squeak and Cuddy laugh at the squeak. House pretended to scowl and then leaned over and kissed Cuddy up her throat, which was thrown back from laughing until he reached her mouth and kissed her fiercely, while Lupin continued to stroke House's cock through the fabric, undeterred.

Cuddy broke the kiss and started trying to shed House of his blazer, unsuccessfully until House shifted his weight and took it off himself. He then chucked his shirt, and Lupin began to tug at his pants until House took those off, too. He rolled forward a little to kiss Cuddy again, pressing his hips into hers, eliciting a soft moan from her as he made a small thrust.

Lupin's hand had left House's cock and was pulling at the back of his boxer shorts, until Lupin's mouth suddenly replaced his fingers as he mouthed the hollow at the end of House's spine. House thrusted again against Cuddy and she moaned again. Her face was flushed now, and House ran his hand down her thigh, rubbing small circles on the inside of her thigh until he reached her panties. He rubbed her a few times against the fabric as Lupin traced patterns against the base of his spine. Cuddy's hips bucked again, and her leg started to tremble. Lupin removed House's boxers the rest of the way, just as House relieved Cuddy of her panties. House turned his head over his shoulder and found Lupin's mouth. The angle was uncomfortable but the kiss was not; Lupin's mouth working against his, his stubble scratching up against House's. House shivered again and his stomach muscles clenched as Lupin's fingers started to trace a path over his belly, down his lower abdomen, and back again, being careful not to touch House's cock.

"Tease," House said into the kiss and Lupin laughed, his warm fingers leaving House's stomach to reach over his body, toward Cuddy's. House broke the kiss and shifted against the bed to allow Lupin better access, watching as Lupin's long fingers made their way first against Cuddy's breasts, then her abdomen, until two of them disappeared inside of her. Cuddy cried out softly and House's own cock twitched as he watched Lupin's fingers slide in and out of Cuddy. He did something that made Cuddy tremble violently, then brushed his thumb along her clit, and she whimpered. After he slid a third finger inside, Cuddy brought her hips up repeatedly, and they circled again and again. She made a noise halfway between a whimper and a sob, and Lupin removed his fingers, placing his palm against House's hip.

"I think that’s your cue," Lupin whispered into House's ear, and House didn't need any further urging. He slipped his cock slowly into Cuddy, rolling her to face him. Her legs spread and she threw one over House's hip, rocking slowly, using her leg to bury him deeper. House felt what seemed like cold air at his back; Lupin must have left or gotten up briefly, but he returned moments later. He had taken off his pants and boxers, and his cock was heavy and hard against the small of House's back.

"Okay?" Lupin whispered and House nodded as Lupin kissed the back of his neck and then moved a little lower, thrusting a bit against House's buttocks.

At the feel of Lupin against him, House thrust into Cuddy as deeply as he could; a few thrusts and Cuddy came with a ragged cry, her heel digging into House's thigh. House closed his eyes against the feel of Cuddy's orgasm against his cock; it would be so easy to follow her, but he wanted to last just a little bit longer . . . to make it . . .

He watched as Cuddy reached her arm out, and she placed her hand over the one Lupin had over House's hip, holding him place. Lupin's hand lifted to entwine Cuddy's fingers with his own, and then they were holding House's hip again, Lupin thrusting a little more rapidly, gently spreading House's cheeks with his free hand until House could feel Lupin's cock between them.

House closed his eyes and saw stars, rocking against Cuddy and thrusting rapidly, his hips slapping a bit against hers. Cuddy buried her face in his neck as her hips met his thrusts until he came inside her in a rush that made his head ache with pleasure. Lupin's orgasm followed House's rapidly, his hips moving frantically until he spent himself, still holding Cuddy's hand against House's hip.

They lay like that for a while, regaining various senses as their breathing slowed to regular intervals. Eventually, House slid out of Cuddy and Remus rolled over onto his back, allowing them all more room on the suddenly too small hospital bed.

House was the first to speak as a practicality dawned on him. "We didn't. We didn't use condoms."

Lupin's arm was thrown over his eyes and he moved it so House could see them clearly. There was warmth, and something close to affection, but no alarm.

It was Cuddy who answered, though. "You're right. We should have. Got carried away. But we can take care of the protection by magic, too. This time, we will. Next time . . ."

"Next time?" House asked.

Lupin grinned. "Tuesdays and Fridays, four o'clock."

"That's about your health, not about this," House protested, feebly even to his own ears.

Cuddy turned her head to face him, and grinned, shooting Lupin a look over House's shoulder. "Tuesdays and Fridays, five o'clock?" she suggested.

House shook his head, and he saw Cuddy's face fall a little, felt Lupin move so there was the barest of space between them. He shook his head again.

"Tuesdays and Fridays, eight o'clock. I expect dinner, too."

Cuddy's snort turned into laughter when she heard Lupin start to laugh, too.

"I'm serious," House protested.

"We know," Cuddy said, and kissed him on the mouth at the same time Lupin kissed him on the shoulder.