Good Enough After All Chapter 5/?
American Idol 8 RPF: Good Enough After All Chapter 5/?
Rating: NC 17(overall)
Summary: Kris thinks he isn't good enough for anyone in his life- most of all, Adam.
Beta: Many thanks to the wonderful laurahellomoto
Warnings: Angst, plenty of angst. Mentions of major character suicidal thinking/attempts(don't worry nobody dies). Mentions of Adommy(but no in story scenes of anything above friendship there).
Author's notes: I am breaking a hard and steadfast rule by writing Kradam.This is my first RPF ever, for any fandom. I had said I'd never do it, but too many stories were floating around in my head for me to resist. Be gentle, but honest. Feedback rocks.
Disclaimer: I do not know these people, and this was just done for fun. No offense intended, and no profit. If you got here by googling youself or someone you know, for the love of every deity I don't believe in leave now.
http://community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/1682008.html#cutid1 Chapter 4
Extended Author's Notes: This is the the 5th installment, and I'd like to thank you all for reading, commenting, and taking this journey with me! I know it's dark, but that's necessary to keep a situation like this realistic. Don't worry, you will NEVER see me write a true major character death fic. Also, this one won't get any darker than it already has. Obviously the chapters are now going to get longer, so updates will be a little less frequent. Thanks again for reading my first fanfic ever, and I am super excited to join the prestigious rank of LJ Kradam writers! ILY ALL.
Good Enough After All
Chapter 5/?
Kris awakened in the king sized bed of his hotel suite alone, his head pounding as if someone had hit him with a brick. He was still a little fuzzy, but he remembered the events of the night before in enough detail to know that Adam had saved his life. Furthermore, he remembered that Adam had taken charge of him, and was cleaning up the mess that Kris had made with his lame, feeble attempt at taking the easy way out. Suicide was for cowards. But hadn’t Kris already established that he was a coward?
Kris groaned as he rolled onto his back. His head throbbed, and his wrists throbbed. All he wanted to do was roll over and go back to sleep, but his bladder had other plans for him, so he got out of bed, careful not to put too much pressure on his damaged wrists. As he walked to the bathroom, he heard Adam puttering around out front. After relieving himself and washing his hands, careful not to get his bandages wet, Kris debated whether or not he was ready to face Adam yet. Adam would no doubt be more than a little angry about what Kris had done last night. But, once again, that was the voice of the coward talking. If Kris was about to finally start facing the music and taking control of his life, no matter how difficult that might be, he’d better start now.
When Kris walked into the living room, Adam was waiting for him with two Advil and a bottle of water. Kris accepted them gratefully. After he had swallowed the pills and half the bottle of water in one gulp, he looked at Adam with a question on his face. “Advil?”
“I know you prefer Tylenol, but after the beating you gave your liver last night,it is the last thing you need,” Adam said with a frown. “And good morning to you, too, by the way.”
Kris felt a wave of uneasiness at Adam’s tone. His bad mood was no surprise, after the stunt he had pulled last night, so he had to be on his best behavior for the next little while.
Kris looked around the suite. Adam had taken all the garbage and set it by the door. There were no more days old take out containers, water bottles, or mini bottles littering the tables, kitchen counter, and floor. Kris’s shoes were lined neatly on one wall, and his guitar was back in his case, sitting next to the shoes. Adam had done the dishes, as well as taken all the dirty bath towels and wash cloths and put them in a neat pile by the door.
“Thanks for cleaning for me,” Kris said with a smile, walking over to wrap his arms around Adam’s waist. “And thank you for finding me and taking care of me and for saving me from myself. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Kris, I love you,” Adam said in a shaky voice. Kris was astonished to realize that Adam was in tears. “When I found you like that last night, I thought I had lost you. And to make matters even worse, I was the one that had pushed you over that edge. I never knew that you were so depressed. How did I miss that?”
“Adam, I had been worrying about the PR aspect of everything, as well as what would happen with my family and my church and friends back in Conway. But none of that seemed too bad as long as I had you. But when I found out that I didn’t have you anymore, my whole existence seemed pointless. I knew it was my own fault, for living a lie and making a mess of us. I can’t live without you.” Kris realized that he, too, was on the verge of tears. It seemed he was doing a lot of crying these days.
“Kris, you don’t have to live without me, ever. In fact, I already talked to Tommy. It was much easier than I thought. Apparently, I was completely transparent the entire time I was with him. He knew I didn’t love him. Luckily, he has known that all along. He isn’t even sure he wants to date a guy, because up until recently he’s been living his life as a straight man. It was just mutual convenience because we were both so lonely.” Adam rubbed Kris’s back, burying his face in his hair. “All that’s over now though. It’s just me and you from now on, baby.”
Adam leaned down and kissed Kris, the first proper, passionate kiss they had shared since their reunion the night before. Kris responded instantly, nipping at Adam’s bottom lip and licking into his mouth after he was granted entrance. The kiss went on, getting deeper by the second, tongues tangling in an exquisite dance. Kris could feel Adam’s heat pressing all along his body, and it went straight to his cock. It had been far too long since he had, had this. He hoped that this little interlude meant that they could put Adam’s crazy ideas about three- way relationships and his own ridiculous stunt of the night before behind them. Kris pressed into Adam even closer, running his hands up and down Adam’s bare, sweaty back, sliding his right thigh between Adam’s legs, feeling Adam’s impossibly huge cock harden. Adam was definitely going commando. He reached down, grabbing at the waist band of Adam’s sleep pants, but got a rather rude reminder that he had injured himself pretty badly right now, and his hands were practically useless.
Adam obviously felt Kris falter and wince, because he pulled away, instantly looking at Kris’s wrist to make sure he had done no further damage. Kris didn’t care about his stupid wrists though. He’d improvise. All he cared about was taking Adam’s huge, gorgeous cock as far down his throat as he could and making Adam scream himself hoarse. “Adam, its fine,” he panted. “C’mon, I’m ready, let’s go.” Kris started for the bedroom, but Adam obviously had other ideas.
“Before this goes any further, Kris, we have to talk about last night, and how we are going to handle a few things.” Adam was suddenly serious as Kris turned back to him. “Your basic inability to use your hands just served as a reminder that what you did is very serious. It isn’t a symptom of normal ‘going through a rough time’ depression. If I hadn’t awakened and come up here, I might be making funeral arrangements right now.”
Kris knew Adam was right. He had hoped to weasel out of actually discussing the seriousness of what he had done, but he should have known Adam wouldn’t let him off the hook that easily. So, Kris made his way to the loveseat that they had shared the night before and sat, small and silent, waiting for Adam’s wrath to descend upon him.
However, Adam was surprisingly gentle. “I take full responsibility for what you did last night Kris; or rather, the fact that you felt compelled to go through with it. But obviously you had been feeling off for quite some time. How long?”
Kris couldn’t meet Adam’s eyes. “I dunno, he mumbled. "Months, probably since I realized I was in love with you. I think in the beginning, I felt daring and reckless and free. I was having my cake and eating it too, ya know? Katy was none the wiser, I was living my dream of making music and getting paid for it, and best of all I had you.” Kris looked up at Adam for the first time since he had started talking, looking for apprehension, animosity, or any other negative emotion on his face. All he saw there was love though.
Encouraged, Kris went on, “But then I saw what it was doing to you, and what it was doing to Katy. I saw you fall apart every time I left to go home to her, and I saw her becoming more and more sad, distant, and angry as the distance between us grew. I was hurting the two people that had given me their all, and I knew I couldn’t keep doing it. But I had no idea how to fix it, so I just kept doing what I was doing, digging the hole deeper and deeper.”
Tears were running down Kris’s cheeks now, but he didn’t bother to wipe them away. “I don’t know how or when she figured it out, except maybe that she knew I was gay all along. Katy wanted a husband, a continuation of her perfect high school life and her perfect college life. I don’t think she knows any other way to live. So she married me anyway. She asked me once, when we were just friends, if I was gay. I told her no, of course. But obviously there was something there that made her think that, or she wouldn’t have asked. So, if she already knew, then it probably wasn’t too hard to figure out that I was running around on her, and that the person that I was running around with was more than likely a guy. After that, considering what not just Katy, but the whole world knows about our relationship, it probably wasn’t that big of a leap for her to figure out that the guy was you.”
Adam reached over and cupped Kris’s cheeks, kissing the tears away. “Baby, if she already suspected that you were gay, she shouldn’t have married you. Granted, the blame lies with the both of you there, but seriously? What kind of woman marries a gay man in an effort to keep up some kind of delusion of a perfect life that was never meant to be in the first place?”
Adam was right, of course. But then again, he usually was. Katy loved him, sure, but she had entered into the marriage thinking she could force Kris to be something he wasn’t so that she could continue playing Homecoming Queen: The Grown- Up Version, for the rest of her life. It was true that he never should have proposed, but it was also true that she never should have accepted.
“Well,” Adam said, “after listening to you just now, you seem perfectly sane. I was worried that you were off the deep end, but I don’t think that is the case here. I checked the Ambien bottle, and I realized that you only took two. That’s nowhere close to a lethal overdose, even for someone of your small size and low tolerance. But there is one thing I’d like to ask you, and I want the truth. And remember, you have no poker face, so lying is futile. I’ll know either way, no matter what you try to tell me.” Adam’s gaze was steady and serious, and Kris was more than a little scared. “How much have you been drinking lately? The amount of vodka you consumed should have had you puking all over the place, or at the very least, completely unconscious no matter how hard I shook you and yelled in your ear.”
“Honestly, Adam, that’s the first time I’ve used the Ambien, and I’ve had them for almost the entire last leg of the tour. You know I hate taking shit like that. Hell, I even hate it when you take shit like that. I got reckless, and drunk. And I haven’t been drinking any more than usual, at least until last night. You know, a beer here and there, socially. I think you just underestimated my tolerance for booze in general, because let’s face it, whenever we drink together, you’re the one that gets hammered, while I have one or two and that’s it.” Kris looked at Adam, straight- faced, praying that Adam realized that he was telling the truth.
Adam let out a sigh of relief. “Ok, I believe you. I called a suicide hotline last night,” he confessed. “Don’t be mad,” he hurried on. I just wanted to get some anonymous, professional advice about what kind of help you might or might not need. Whether you go to see someone or not is up to you. I believe you to be lucid and clear- thinking at this point. But I want your word you will never scare me like that again. You gotta remember that no matter what our future holds- and for the record I believe we will grow old together- but no matter what, you’ll never be alone as long as there is breath left in my body.”
Kris looked at Adam, relieved. So Adam hadn’t been up making appointments with shrinks and psych wards like Kris had feared. He really should give his boyfriend more credit. But Adam had a flair for the dramatic, as anyone who knew him- and many who didn’t- well knew. Kris wouldn’t have been surprised if he had awakened in a straight jacket surrounded by men in white coats this morning.
“I swear on our love that you will never have to worry about me doing anything like that again. As long as I have you my life is complete. We can face the press and the fans and the religious nuts together. We’re unstoppable.” Kris leaned over and sealed his oath with a kiss.
Adam returned the kiss, but pulled away before things got too heated again. “Speaking of, the first person I called after putting you to bed last night was, of course, Gina.”
Kris groaned. His notoriously tough handler could not have been happy with anything Adam had had to say to her last night. He braced himself for the worst.
Adam continued, “It actually wasn’t as bad as you think. She was certainly none too happy to hear from me at 2:04 in the morning, and even less thrilled when I refused to let her talk to you. I told her about the divorce that Katy sprung on you out of nowhere. Conveniently, she already knew and was in the process of preparing the press release. She also had already had her suspicions about your relationship with me, and was just waiting for confirmation to alert the rest of 19’s PR team with her plan of action. She wants us on a popular talk show, with a host that likes us both. Ellen is at the top of her list. You know Ellen loves me, all I have to do is say the word and it’s done. You’ll come out during the first part of the segment, then I’ll join you for the second half. Ellen’s audience is, of course, gay friendly, and she’ll calm the skeptics down by spinning this into the most adorable thing ever, you know, Kradam, and I’ll be my charming, articulate self, and by the end we’ve delivered the news to the public with minimal damage control needed.”
Kris stared at Adam, not knowing what to say. On the one hand, he wanted to be angry at Adam for planning his coming out without him, and settling it with the label without consulting him or asking if this was the way he wanted to do it; on the other, he wanted to kiss Adam for doing what he himself was incapable of handling. He decided on the latter. He had the best Prince Charming in the world. Using his forearms instead of his hands and wrists, Kris pushed Adam backwards on the loveseat and proceeded to kiss him senseless.