Fic: Hearts that Break Still Beat On (1/1)
Title: Hearts that Break Still Beat On (1/1)
Author: Amre (dazzamre)
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just borrowing the boys (and a few other people) for a bit.
Warnings: AU, character death before the start of the story (not Kris or Adam)
Word Count: 7882
Summary: In the wake of a tragedy, Kris tries to pick up the pieces and move on. As with most things in his life, it doesn’t go exactly as planned.
A/N: Many thanks to my fantastic beta norosegarden. Also, a special thanks to anobakitay. She knows why. :) This fic was inspired by the film Back Soon, although I took some liberties with the plot. One line borrowed from the film. Title from the song “Even Now” by Linda Eder. Also, it’s really not as depressing as it sounds.
Hearts that Break Still Beat On
It shouldn't be this hard, Kris thinks. Getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other. It should get easier. Everyone told him it would, assured him, promised him. But they were wrong. Kris doesn't like to think they lied, just that they didn't know any better. How could they?
For the first few weeks, the first month, after the accident, everyone was so understanding. His family and friends constantly around, prodding him to eat, gently steering him through the maze of red tape. Go here, sign this. His mother deftly handling all the decisions he couldn't face. At times it seems like it’s all a blur, but there are moments, almost like snapshots, that are frozen so firmly in his memory that he knows he’ll never forget them.
Six months later, they'd still been giving him a certain amount of leeway, walking on eggshells around him. Once in awhile a careless remark would slip out, followed by a flush of cheeks and a stuttered apology. After awhile, it was easier to just avoid his friends all together. A few refused to let him hide himself away, but even they don’t push like they used to. Kris doesn’t blame them.
It's been a year now. He can see the worry in his parents’ eyes. He knows his mother means well when she tells him he has to let go and move on. He tries not to get frustrated by his dad’s attempts to get him out of the house or his brother inviting himself over for a few hours or days. They want to help, and he understands that, but they all look at him like it's his fault somehow. Like he doesn't want all this pain and hurt to go away. If they only knew that he’d give anything, anything, not to be happy but just to stop feeling like this.
When his mother broaches the subject of selling the house, Kris admits that he’s been thinking the same thing. Maybe being surrounded by all these memories isn't good for him. It's been a year, and he still finds scraps of paper tucked between pages in half-read books; still finds stray earrings behind the dresser. He turns sometimes and catches a glimpse of a shadow out of the corner of his eye and for a split second he forgets. It's a blessing and a curse because as long as he’s here he still has a piece of her, but that's all it is, a shattered fragment of what once was, and it's never going to be more than that.
Kris doesn’t make the decision right away, but he takes the business card his brother offers him and slips it into his wallet. Over the next few weeks he takes it out and looks at it until the edges are frayed and the gold leaf on the raised letters is starting to wear off. It’s a call he doesn’t want to make, a step he's not sure he's ready for.
He tells himself that she’d understand, that if the situation were reversed he would want her to get on with her life. He spends the better part of one night alone in his bedroom, what used to be the guest room, talking to a photograph, trying to convince himself that he’s doing the right thing. The next day, even as he dials the number and schedules an appointment, he’s still not sure that he is.
~*~*~*~
"You want to do what?" Brad asks, stopping what he's doing, which is, as much as Adam can figure out, inexplicably cutting holes in a t-shirt, to stare at him. "A house? A fucking house? Why?"
Adam shrugs. He expects the sudden declaration to cause a commotion, and not just because Brad's been sleeping on his sofa for the last week since he broke up with his boyfriend. "Why not?" he asks. He's bored, but he's really not trying to bait Brad to entertain himself. That’s just an added bonus.
"Why not?" Brad repeats. "Why not? You couldn't commit to a house plant, let alone an actual house. You're talking a 30-year mortgage and living in the same place for longer than six months. Furniture, Adam, not boxes, and lawn maintenance. Shrubbery!" Brad sounds so horrified by the thought that it's hard not to laugh. "Will you help me talk some sense into him?"
Cassidy slowly lowers the magazine he's been reading, obviously trying to stay out of this argument. "I think it's a good idea," he says at last. "It's a buyer's market and real estate is always a good investment. Besides," he adds, directing his words at Adam, "I think it's time you grew up and settled down."
"My god, it's contagious," Brad cringes. "When did you become a real estate guru? And why would you want the hassle?" he asks turning back to Adam. "Buying a house is a big fucking deal. It's not something you can do on a whim and get out of when you realize you're in over your head. Mark my words, you're going to regret this."
Adam half expects him to add “maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow” to the end of his sentence and is a little disappointed when he doesn’t. He appreciates the misplaced, overly dramatic concern, but Brad's not saying anything he hasn't already thought himself. He knows buying a house is a big decision, but he's tired of cramped apartments and thin walls. He's not getting any younger, and he's finally at a place in his life when this doesn't have to be an unattainable dream. He wants roots, and a house is a good place to start.
He ignores Brad and, instead, makes plans with Cassidy to go house hunting. Brad rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and goes back to shredding the shirt.
~*~*~*~
Kris should have listened to his real estate agent when she told him he didn't want to stick around for the open house. He can only take so many snide comments about the wallpaper in the kitchen or the carpet in the living room before he's brushing past a soccer mom and making his way outside. He leans against the side of the house and takes a shaky breath.
"Wow."
Kris groans to himself and turns his head to find a guy standing just outside the door, gazing out at the backyard. He hasn't seen Kris yet, at least he doesn't think so, and Kris takes a minute to size him up. There's something in his voice and demeanor that catches Kris’ attention. It’s totally a gut instinct, but Kris thinks he'd be okay if this guy ends up with the house.
"You like it?" Kris asks, and the guy jerks his head in Kris' direction. He eyes Kris for a second, like he's trying to determine if he's competition, before grinning and nodding. He takes one last lingering look out over the pool before making his way over to Kris.
"It's a great house," the guy says. "Are you planning on making an offer?"
Kris shakes his head. "Nah, I'm looking for something a little different," he says, which isn't a lie. He's already found a smaller house a couple of miles away that he really likes. It's close enough that he can still use the same bank and grocery store, but far enough to give him a little space from his past. Maybe it would be easier if he started over from scratch somewhere new, but he's not ready to make that jump yet.
The guy looks relieved, and Kris can't help but return his smile. "I really like this house," he confides to Kris. "It's pretty much perfect. I've been looking at houses all week, but there's just something special about this one. I haven’t been able to picture myself in any of the other houses, but this just feels right. I probably don’t stand a chance,” he laments looking wistfully back at the house.
“Oh, I don’t know. I think you’ve got a pretty good shot. Kris Allen,” he says, sticking out his hand, mostly because he’s tired of referring to him as “the guy” in his head and wants a name to go with the face. “Homeowner.”
“Shit. Really? Sorry, um, Adam Lambert,” he says shaking Kris’ hand and regaining his composure quickly. “So you’re the one selling the house. I’m sorry, man, but I can’t imagine why you would want to give this up. This house is amazing.” He pauses a second and looks at Kris suspiciously. “Is there something wrong with it? Termites? Dry rot?”
Kris laughs and the sound takes him by surprise. It’s not something he’s heard a lot lately. “No, I promise there’s nothing wrong with it,” he assures Adam. “I just need a change. You know, close one chapter of my life and move on with the next.” It's the first time Kris has been sure of his decision, and he decides then and there that he wants Adam to buy the house.
Three days later his realtor is still trying to convince him not to accept the first offer, that they can get a lot more money for the house. There has been some other interest in it, but Kris doesn't care. It's not about the money. It's about someone living there that loves it as much as he does, as much as they did, and Kris is certain that Adam is the perfect person.
~*~*~*~
Adam drags Brad and Cassidy over to see the house as soon as he can. It looks different with all the furniture gone, but Adam can't wait to move in and make it his own. Brad grudgingly admits that it's awesome, and Cassidy is just relieved he doesn't have to look at any more houses with Adam.
Brad doesn't want to hear about the crown molding in the bedroom or the hardwood floors in the dining room and insists, instead, that Adam tell him about the guy he's buying it from. Again. There's really nothing to tell. Adam barely knows Kris, and he hasn't seen him since that day at the open house. He's pretty sure Kris was instrumental in him getting the house. He's grateful for that and wishes there was some way he could thank him.
A week later Adam gets his chance. He's sorting through a box of books when he's surprised by a knock at the door. He climbs from the floor wondering who it is. He doesn't know anyone in the neighborhood yet, and Brad has flat out refused to come back until he gets settled in. He's had enough of lugging boxes and moving furniture. Adam's not expecting Kris when he opens the door, but he's happy to see him anyway.
"I just wanted to see how you were settling in," Kris explains as Adam moves out of the doorway and insists he come in. Kris hesitates as he looks around the living room, a pained expression flashing briefly across his face before he smiles. "I like what you've done with the place."
It takes a little prodding, but Adam convinces Kris to let him buy him a cup of coffee at the diner two blocks over. It's the least he can do. They find a table near the back and chat while they sip their drinks. Kris all but confirms his suspicions that there had been other, better, offers on the house. He tells Adam about his new place and throws out an open invitation if he's ever in the neighborhood.
Kris is easy to talk to, even if Adam does sense that there's more to him than meets the eye. When they get back to the house, Kris wavers by the front door, saying that he really should go, but not making any effort to actually leave.
"It must be hard," Adam says sympathetically, and Kris looks at him, startled. "Seeing someone else in your house. I think it would be weird. I mean, you must have so many memories here."
Kris nods and sits down on the stoop. "I wasn't completely honest with you before," he says softly. Adam sits beside him and waits for him to continue. He doesn't have any idea what Kris means, but whatever it is, it's obviously not something he wants to talk about. "I didn't just move because I needed a change. This house...it belonged to me and my wife."
Adam wants to ask what happened. He wants to make the smile that's been on Kris' face the last hour come back. More troubling than that, he wants to wrap an arm around his shoulders and hug him. Adam keeps his hands to himself and doesn't say anything.
"She was in a car accident about a year ago, and..."
"I'm sorry," Adam says when Kris lets his sentence trail off without finishing it. He can't begin to imagine what Kris has been through, how hard it must be to lose someone that you love that much. He doesn't know what else to say, so he repeats it again. "I'm sorry, Kris. I’m so sorry."
~*~*~*~
Coffee once a week turns into lunch, and before long they’re going to the movies and hanging out like they’ve known each other forever. Kris can’t really explain why he likes spending time with Adam except that he doesn't have to pretend to be happy around him, not like he does with his family and the few friends who haven't disowned him yet. Somehow that freeness to just be himself makes Kris feel better than he has in a long time.
For the first time since the accident, he feels like he can talk about Katy. Adam doesn't watch him with worried eyes when he mentions her name, doesn't quickly change the subject. It feels good to be able to talk about her again, like he's recaptured some of what he lost. He knows he could talk about her with his family, but they all have their own stories, their own memories, and it’s easier somehow to talk with someone who didn’t know her.
His change in attitude doesn't go unnoticed. His mother casually tells him over the phone one night that he sounds happier, and Kris realizes that he is happier. He still misses her, so much sometimes that it feels like his heart is being ripped out. There are still times when he has to turn off the radio because a song reminds him of her or he wakes up from a nightmare in the middle of the night, but those times are getting fewer and farther between. Not a single day goes by that he doesn't think about her, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
It doesn’t occur to him, at least not right away, that Adam has anything to do with his newfound happiness. There may be a correlation, Kris thinks, but it’s far from cause and effect. When Adam goes out of town with his friends for a couple of days, Kris can’t deny that he misses him. He tries to stay busy and not analyze it too much. It confuses him and makes him think about things he doesn’t want to and isn’t ready for, but lying in bed at night he can’t stop his mind from drifting to Adam. He thinks about where he is and what he’s doing, and Kris scoffs at himself when he wonders fleetingly if Adam misses him, too.
Adam calls and invites him over when he gets back to town, and Kris hesitates before agreeing. Maybe he's spending too much time with Adam. Maybe that's why things have gotten all jumbled up in his head. But Kris doesn't really like the alternative of not seeing Adam, so he goes.
Adam's friends, Brad and Cassidy, are just leaving when he gets there. Adam practically shoves them out the door, but Kris doesn't miss the innuendo in Brad's voice when he tells them to have a good time. Cassidy drags him away from the house towards the car as Adam mutters an apology and shuts the door behind them.
There's a brief, awkward moment that dissolves quickly. Soon they're sprawled on the sofa, half-watching a movie while Adam fills Kris in on his trip. He wants to hear about Kris' weekend, too, but Kris glosses over how embarrassingly dull the last few days have been and tries to make the hour he spent with his brother sound interesting.
It gets later and later and Kris knows he should go, but he doesn't really want to. They end up out by the pool, feet dangling in the water, staring up at the canopy of stars overhead. This has always been one of Kris' favorite places. It's where he would come when he was worried or stressed or just needed a break from the real world. He's spent a lot of time here during the last year.
"Penny for your thoughts," Adam says, and Kris looks at him with a small smile. He's not sure they're worth that much and tells Adam so. Adam grins and nudges him with his shoulder. "You're really quiet tonight. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. No... I don't know," Kris shrugs. He glances at Adam from the corner of his eye, and his words catch in his throat when he sees the way Adam is looking at him. The concern in his eyes isn't the sympathy or pity that Kris is accustomed to. There's understanding and compassion there, but something else that Kris can't readily identify.
He doesn't plan to kiss Adam, doesn't even think about it, but he's leaning forward and Adam's not backing away. They wind up on the grass tangled up in each other, and Kris' heart is beating so fast he thinks he might be having a heart attack. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing, but he doesn't want to stop. When Adam pulls away to look at him questioningly, Kris can't do anything but press his lips to Adam's again hungrily.
There are alarms going off in his head, warning him that he's screwing up the one good thing in his life. Kris knows all the reasons why this is a mistake, why he should just get up and go home now, but despite all of that it feels right. It’s been so long, too long, since Kris has been this close to anyone. Not just physically, but emotionally. He’s never felt more alone than he has this last year, even when he’s been surrounded by friends and family, but he doesn’t feel that way when he’s with Adam. Being with Adam makes him feel like his life makes sense again. He knows it's cliché, but life's too short to pretend he doesn't want this. He'll deal with the consequences later.
Somewhere between the backyard and the bedroom, he stops thinking altogether and just follows his instincts. Adam's hands are everywhere, his mouth hot on Kris' skin. He wants to be touched and held, needs to be, and he clings to Adam until they’re both panting and sweaty, skin slick against skin. Adam’s stroking him, caressing him, gentle and demanding, whispering softly in his ear for Kris’ permission. Kris gives it freely, wanting whatever he offers, and when Adam’s finally inside him, Kris feels like he’s going to shatter into a million pieces. It’s over too soon, and Kris lies in bed next to Adam with a ridiculous grin on his face, exhausted but feeling incredible. It takes a minute before the reality of the situation catches up to him.
Kris feels like his whole world has been turned upside down, like everything he knew or thought he knew has to be reevaluated. The first nagging twinges of guilt begin to surface, and it must show on his face. Adam leans over him, placing a hand on his chest and pressing a kiss to his temple. “You’re allowed to be happy,” he says softly, and Kris wants to believe him. “You deserve to be.”
~*~*~*~
"You totally got laid last night," are the first words out of Brad's mouth when Adam sees him the next day. He demands details and frowns when Adam isn't very forthcoming. "Oh, you are so screwed. Adam, how many times do I have to tell you? You can flirt with straight boys, fuck 'em by all means, but you do not fall in love with them. They'll break your heart."
"I'm not in love with him," Adam denies, although he's not sure who he's trying to convince, Brad or himself. Things with Kris are...complicated. He's not exactly sure where they stand right now. Kris wasn't very talkative this morning, but he wasn't cold and he didn't act like he regretted last night. "And he's obviously not that straight."
Brad sighs in frustration. “You don’t just wake up gay! Look, he was married, happily according to you, and I want you to make sure you know what you’re getting into. He’s clearly got issues, Adam. Just…be careful.”
Adam appreciates his concern, and he gets a similar lecture from Cassidy later in the day. He knows this is all new to Kris. He knows that Kris is confused and a little unsure of what he’s feeling, and Adam is well aware of the fact that Kris comes with a lot of baggage. The last year of his life hasn’t been easy. He’s been to hell and back, but where there could have been hesitation and doubt last night, Adam only saw desire and need.
Adam spends most of the day imagining what Kris is going to say when he sees him tonight. What he’s going to say to Kris. Adam’s known for awhile that his feelings for Kris aren’t quite as innocent as he’s tried to convince himself, but he thought that was just something he’d have to live with if he wanted to be friends with Kris and, hopefully, it would fade over time. Kris has pretty much taken everything Adam thought was true about their relationship and turned it on its head. He doesn’t know what the boundaries are now.
Kris arrives at the house a little before seven looking nervous and carrying a pizza. They eat mostly in silence, letting the TV fill the gaps and making small talk while they avoid the topic at hand. The pizza’s half gone before either of them bring up the night before.
“So, um, last night was…really out of character for me,” Kris says, risking a quick glance at Adam. His fingers tap nervously on the edge of his plate, and he bites his bottom lip. “But it was…good.” He pauses a second, then blushes as he smiles sheepishly. “Amazing.”
“Yeah,” Adam nods, relieved by his words. “It was.”
“I don’t know what all of this means, but…I like you. I like being with you. I always thought I knew exactly where my life was headed, but...well, it obviously hasn't turned out like I thought it would," Kris says, only the slightest hint of bitterness in his words.
“Look, this doesn't have to mean anything. We can just...I mean, if you want to, we can just see what happens. Make up our own rules as we go," Adam tells him. He wants Kris to know that he's not sure exactly what's going on either, but he's willing to find out. When he met Kris, this was the last thing he expected, but he’s in too deep now to run away, no matter how complicated it is.
“I’d like that,” Kris smiles with a nod. They go back to their pizza with plenty still left unsaid between them, but there will be time to figure it all out. They have however long it takes, and there’s no rush to define their relationship right now. Later, when they're curled up in Adam's bed, Kris tries to explain. There’s this connection between them, and even though Kris doesn’t verbalize it very well, Adam understands immediately what he’s talking about because he’s felt it from the first minute he met Kris. It just is.
Kris finally drifts to sleep, but Adam lies awake a long time afterwards stroking his back and staring at the shadows on the ceiling.
~*~*~*~
Kris knows that, on a list of things he never expected, sleeping with a guy should rank pretty high, but maybe it just goes to show how strange his life has been lately that it barely registers with him. It really doesn’t freak him out that he feels this way about another man; it freaks him out that he feels this way about anyone.
For the last six months his friends have been dropping not-so-subtle hints that he should start dating again. He doesn’t even know how to reply to that. Unless asking Mary Beth Turner to marry him in first grade counts, and Kris is highly doubtful that it does, there’s never been anyone other than Katy. Until a year ago, he’d never had any reason to think there ever would be.
But now, well, there's Adam. It's not something he could have predicted or planned, but that's the story of his life. It's still strange sometimes, after being on his own so long, to fall asleep with Adam's arm draped across his hip or to wake up to him singing in the shower, but Kris is happier than he's been in a long time. He likes being part of a couple and having someone else around. "We" and "us" aren't just slips of the tongue anymore.
He has moments, though, when he wonders what Katy would think of this whole situation. If she would like Adam. If she would approve of them. He likes to think that she would want him to be happy and wouldn't care about anything else, but even he knows she wasn’t that much of a saint. He notices the curious, and sometimes scandalized, glances from the people who used to be their neighbors, and he tries not to let it bother him.
Something he can't ignore quite as easily is telling his family about Adam. He's not sure how they're going to react, but he can’t keep hiding this huge, important part of his life from them. His mother keeps hinting about this "nice girl" that's moved in down the street, and Daniel's been trying to set him up on blind dates for the last two months. Kris just doesn't know how to tell them that he's already seeing someone.
Adam has been so open, inviting Kris into his life, introducing him to his friends and family. Kris feels guilty that he's not doing the same. His family has met Adam; it's almost impossible for them not to cross paths when Kris is spending so much time with him. But they assume he's just a friend, and Kris lets them. Adam assures him over and over that he understands and it's okay, but that only makes Kris feel worse.
Kris is feeling particularly guilty when Adam suggests they go out to dinner at a new restaurant they've both been wanting to try. The place is small and intimate, and when Adam greets the waiter by name they're led to a table in the corner. It feels natural for Kris to reach across the table and take Adam's hand while they wait for their food. He toys with one of the rings Adam wears and traces his index finger across the lines on his palm. When Kris glances up at him, Adam's smiling, his blue eyes twinkling, and Kris feels a sudden rush of affection.
"Kris?"
Adam slides his hand away discretely, and Kris frowns as he twists in his chair to see who called his name. His friend Cale is standing next to their table with a woman Kris vaguely recognizes but can’t put a name to. He hasn’t seen Cale since he met Adam, and he hasn’t talked to him in weeks.
Cale is watching them curiously, and Kris knows this has to look exactly like what it is - a date. Kris makes the introductions, not going so far as to say that he and Adam are together, but from the way Cale is looking at him, it’s obvious he's reached that conclusion on his own. When they leave, Adam reaches back across the table and takes Kris’ hand in his.
Kris decides then and there that he can’t put off telling his family any longer. Two days later, Daniel is at his house on the pretense of watching a baseball game, but he’s been quiet and distracted ever since he got there. Kris is expecting it, almost waiting for it, so when his brother tells him he ran into Cale, it’s not a surprise.
Daniel dances around the question he really wants to ask, commenting on how much time he’s spending with Adam and how he’s not seeing his old friends like he used to, even after the accident. He finally gets frustrated with Kris’ shrugs and one word answers. “What’s up with you?” he asks at last.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kris tells him. "If there's something you want to say to me, just say it."
"Fine. Look, I told Cale he was crazy, but he thinks there's something going on with you and Adam. So...is there? I mean are you...Are you and Adam...?" Daniel seems unable to finish his sentence, and Kris isn't sure he's ever seen his brother at such a loss for words. "Forget it. It doesn't matter anyway, but you're not, so...Cale's wrong."
"No," Kris says quietly. His mouth is suddenly dry, but he fights the lump in his throat and keeps going. "He’s not. Not about this. I’ve been seeing Adam for awhile now.”
Daniel just stares at him for a minute. His eyebrows are knitted together as though he's trying to make sense of what Kris just said. He shakes his head looking completely bewildered. “You’re seeing him? What does that mean? Are you sleeping with him? Are you, like, gay now? Kris, what the hell is going on?”
“I don’t know,” Kris says with a shrug. “Maybe I am. All I know is I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone ever again, and I’m not going to run away from it because it doesn’t fit into the tidy little box I’d labeled for myself. I couldn’t care less about all of that. I’m happy, Daniel. Really happy for the first time in a long time.”
Daniel sighs and rubs the back of his neck before glancing at Kris. Kris almost gets the feeling he's looking through him as Daniel peers intently at him for a minute. His face softens and a tiny smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "You are, aren't you?”
Kris nods, holding his breath as he waits for his brother’s reaction. It matters to him, more than he wants to admit, what his family thinks. Maybe not enough to make him give this up, but enough to hurt if they don’t understand. He and Daniel have always been close, and he doesn’t want anything to change that.
“Look, I don't get it, but if you know what you're doing, if that's what you want, then...I don't care. You're still my brother," Daniel says. He hesitates for a second and frowns slightly. "Just one thing. I want to be there when you tell Mom and Dad."
Kris doesn't want to get sappy or sentimental, but Daniel's support means a lot to him. The fact that he wants to be there when Kris tells their parents is a little unexpected but welcomed. It's comforting to know he doesn't have to face them on his own. Kris opens his mouth to thank him, but Daniel interrupts him.
"Dude, this is gonna be better than that time you 'borrowed' Dad's truck while they were out of town and hit the principal's car at Chick-fil-A when you were cutting class," Daniel says almost gleefully. He always conveniently forgets that he was with Kris when that happened, and Kris still thinks the principal shouldn't have been there anyway, not in the middle of a school day. "How long did they ground you? A month?"
Kris should be annoyed with his brother, but he's not. The way Daniel's teasing him means that nothing’s changed between them and that's all he wants. He rolls his eyes and socks him hard in the shoulder. Daniel just laughs and tells him he hits like a girl.
~*~*~*~
Adam offers to go with Kris when he has dinner with his parents, but he's relieved when Kris turns him down. Regardless of their reaction, it's not going to be a fun night, and as much as he wants to be there for Kris, this is really a conversation he should have alone with his family.
When Kris finally shows up at his house a little past nine, he doesn’t say anything right away. He just hugs Adam in the hallway for a minute, holding on to him so tightly that Adam’s sure tonight was a complete disaster. “It’s okay,” he murmurs, “It’ll be okay. They’ll come around, Kris.”
Kris pulls away from him and shakes his head. “No, they were great,” he smiles. They settle on the sofa, and Kris takes him through the whole evening, from his nervousness about telling them to his mom crying because he was worried about how they would react. Kris chokes up a bit on that part and skims over it. “I think Daniel was a little disappointed that it wasn’t more dramatic. It’s going to take them some time to get used to the idea, but they're trying. They want to meet you. I mean, officially, you know? Are you okay with that?”
“Of course,” Adam tells him. “Just tell me when and where.”
Adam, unsurprisingly, loves Kris’ family, and sporadic dinners turn into a weekly event. Kim treats him like a third son, which is a little disconcerting since he is sleeping with Kris, but Adam adores her. He talks music with Neil, and he likes having Daniel around to fill that younger brother void he feels sometimes since he doesn’t get to see his as often as he’d like.
Things are going well, really well, and that's why Adam tries to ignore the tiny pangs he gets from time to time when Kris talks about Katy. He tries not to think too much about the times he wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Kris sitting alone in the living room or out by the pool. He knows Kris is happy and that it’s expecting too much for him to completely let go of his past. It shouldn’t bother Adam, it’s such a tiny thing, really, in the grand scheme of things, but it does.
"Trouble in paradise?" Brad asks one day at lunch, stirring his drink with a straw and raising an eyebrow at Adam in a look that's more curious than sympathetic. Brad's been doubtful about Kris all along, and Adam doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of being right. Not that he is because, really, everything's fine.
"No," Adam says a little too quickly and way too defensively, and Brad's eyebrow arches higher. "I'm serious. We're fine. Things are great." Adam stabs at his food with a fork and glares at Brad as if daring him to argue with him.
It doesn't work, but then it never works on Brad. "Cut the bullshit," he says bluntly, narrowing his eyes at Adam. "What's wrong? And don't say 'nothing'. I know you better than that." He kicks Adam lightly under the table and gives him a stern look as he waits for him to talk.
Adam doesn't know where to start. Things are actually pretty fantastic between him and Kris. They enjoy being together, and they have a lot more in common than Adam initially thought they would. This is the best relationship he’s ever been in. Kris just gets him. They can talk for hours or curl up on the sofa and not say a word. It's easy to be with him, comfortable.
Brad frowns and leans forward when he doesn't say anything. "How's the sex?" he asks quietly, meaning only the tables immediately next to them can hear instead of the whole restaurant. Subtle is not part of Brad’s vocabulary. "Is that it? Is he lousy in bed?"
Adam rolls his eyes. Of course that's Brad's first question. And, okay, yeah, he’s broken up with people before because the chemistry just wasn’t there, but that’s definitely not a problem with Kris. When it comes to the bedroom, Adam doesn’t have any complaints. "It's fine," he says, really not wanting to discuss this with Brad right now. “Everything’s fine.”
“Liar,” Brad accuses. “Okay, if the sex is so great,” he says as if he doesn’t quite believe Adam, “then what’s the problem? Does he snore? Is he a Republican? What is it?”
Adam’s going to tell Brad eventually, he always does, but he hesitates a second because he knows what he’s about to say is going to make him sound like a horrible person. He cares about Kris a lot; he might even love him, and that’s what makes this so hard. “Sometimes,” Adam says softly, “I catch him staring off into space, like he’s a million miles away…and I know he’s thinking about her.”
The exasperated look on Brad's face softens, and he reaches across the table to touch Adam's arm. "Of course that bothers you. It's not like they broke up, and he moved on by choice. There's still a lot of leftover feelings. There probably always will be."
"But how do I compete with that?" Adam asks.
"You don't," Brad says simply with a shrug. He sighs and shakes his head. "It's not a contest. He loved her, but he obviously cares about you, too. One doesn't have anything to do with the other. It's not like his past with her lessens what he has with you. It doesn't work that way."
It’s a nice thought, and it makes Adam feel a little better, but he knows it's not quite that black and white. He also knows this is his problem. Kris hasn't done anything wrong, and Adam has to come to terms with this on his own. He wasn't sure it would, but talking to Brad has actually helped. It's definitely given Adam a different perspective.
Adam nods and picks up the tab for lunch. It's the least he can do.
~*~*~*~
Kris isn’t sure when the dreams started. He just knows they’re not like the dreams he had after the accident. Those left him in a cold sweat as he sat upright, alone in bed, his heart pounding. This is…different.
He wants to tell Adam because Kris knows he’s starting to worry about him, but he just doesn’t know how. He doesn’t want to hurt Adam, and Kris doesn’t see how telling him he’s having dreams about Katy can do anything but that.
Kris is completely head-over-heels in love with Adam. He knows it, and he’s pretty sure anyone that spends more than five minutes with them knows it, too. Just because he hasn’t said the words yet doesn’t mean he feels it any less. There have been times when the words are on the tip of his tongue, and then the guilt hits him full force. Rationally, Kris knows he doesn’t have anything to feel bad about. He’s moving on. He’s with Adam now, he loves Adam, and admitting that shouldn’t make him feel like he’s betraying Katy in some way, but it does. It’s not fair to Adam.
The strange part is Kris is happy, the happiest he’s been in a really long time. He loves being with Adam. They just click, and they have since the first time they met. Most of the time things are great. He can go days without thinking about his past, weeks without having a dream, then suddenly, out of the blue, there it is again, waking him up from a deep sleep and leaving him sitting in the dark on the sofa trying to figure out what it all means.
Adam doesn’t get up anymore and look for him. He did at first, but Kris assumes Adam knows he’ll find his way back to bed eventually. He never asks Kris what’s bothering him, and Kris is mostly thankful for that. He doesn’t want to have to explain but part of him feels like he needs to. If Adam can ignore it, though, so can he.
It’s been a few weeks since the last dream, and Kris is almost beginning to be lulled into a false sense of security. Almost. That night when he goes to bed, he holds Adam a little tighter than normal. Adam doesn’t say anything; he just wraps an arm around Kris and presses a kiss to his temple.
Kris knows he’s dreaming. He always knows, but that doesn’t make it any easier. He’s always in the same location, and there’s something familiar about it, but Kris can’t place it. It takes him a minute to realize that there’s something off about wherever he is. It’s like an Escher print - everything looks normal until he really begins to examine it, and then none of it makes sense. He’s lost, and he doesn’t know how to get out of the building. He knows Katy’s waiting for him; he can hear her calling, but he can’t find her.
That’s usually when Kris wakes up, but not this time. Instead of the panic he usually feels as he tries doors and hallways that lead nowhere, Kris just sits down in the middle of the floor. He calls out to Katy, tells her he’s waiting. It seems like an eternity passes, but then the door, the one Kris has tried a million times, opens, and she’s standing there, looking exactly like she did when she left the house for the last time.
She smiles sadly at him and crosses the room to sit beside him. They don’t look at each other, and they don’t say anything for a long time. Kris is finally the one who breaks the silence. “You said you’d be right back,” he says quietly. “You were just going to the store.”
“I know,” she answers.
“I waited. You said you’d be back soon, so I waited,” Kris tells her.
“I know you did,” she says softly, and Kris can feel her hand on his arm. “But you don’t have to wait anymore. I know you loved me, so much, but it’s okay if you love him, too.” She kisses his cheek, and Kris wants to hold onto her and never let go. She wraps an arm around his shoulders and hugs him. They sit like that for a long time, not saying anything and not moving. Kris is afraid to because he doesn‘t want this to end. “Be happy,” Katy whispers.
Kris finally turns to look at her, but she’s gone. It’s almost like she was never there, except he can still feel her kiss on his cheek and smell her perfume. He thinks he should be sad, but he's not. He glances around the room and realizes that everything's back the way it should be. He still doesn't recognize the place, but it doesn't seem so important.
When Kris wakes up, he knows he won’t have the dream anymore. He can't explain why he's so certain, but he is. Closure is a stupid word, and Kris hates it, but he can't find another way to describe what he feels. He smiles faintly into his pillow and rolls over to wrap his arms around Adam, only he's not there.
Kris fumbles in the dark for his glasses and checks the time. It's a little after two. He's usually the one up wandering around at this hour, not Adam. Kris finds him in the kitchen, leaning on the counter as he looks out over the pool. "Hey," Kris says quietly, trying not to startle him. He slides an arm around Adam's waist and kisses his shoulder. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Adam murmurs. "I just...do you have a picture of Katy?"
The question catches Kris off-guard, but he nods. Adam follows him to the bedroom, turning on a lamp and sitting on the edge of the bed while Kris searches through his wallet for the picture he keeps tucked at the back. He hands it to Adam and watches as he stares down at it. He's never thought to show him before, and Adam's never asked. "Adam?"
"This is Katy," he says quietly. He looks up at Kris, and he can see the confusion in Adam's eyes. "I...I had a dream about her, but...how could I..." Adam trails off and looks back down at the picture. "How is that possible?"
"Tell me about it?" Kris asks, sitting down next to him. He has an odd feeling he already knows what Adam's going to say, but he wants to hear it. He should probably be freaking out, at least a little bit, but he feels strangely calm. "Please?" he says when Adam hesitates.
"She..." Adam takes a deep breath and continues. "She said it was okay if I loved you. She just wants you to be happy. Kris, I've never had a dream like that before. It was just..."
"I know," Kris says softly, and Adam looks at him quickly. Kris nods in answer to his unspoken question. "I've been dreaming about her a lot lately," he admits, "but tonight was different. It was so real."
"Yeah," Adam agrees.
Kris can't explain what happened tonight; he doesn't even want to try. Right now, he just wants to hold Adam and put everything else out of his mind. Most people aren't fortunate enough to find love like this once in their life, and he's found it twice. He slides a little closer to Adam and reaches for his hand, threading their fingers together and squeezing. "I love you," he tells Adam and smiles. He doesn't feel guilty; he doesn't feel anything but deep, overwhelming adoration and love.
Adam only wavers a second. "I love you, too," he says, raising their hands to his lips and planting a kiss on the back of Kris’.
Later, when Adams drifts off again and Kris is watching him sleep, he thinks that maybe all of his friends and family knew what they were talking about after all. It does get easier. The pain will never go away completely, and he’ll never be the person he was before the accident. It’s impossible to go through something like that and not change, but Kris is starting to realize that’s not a bad thing.
He’ll always cherish his past, but he’s ready to build a new life with Adam. Kris is happy and, really, that’s all he can ask for, more than he’d ever dared hope for. He’s been given a second chance, and he intends to make the most of it. Life’s too short to do anything else.
The End
You can download the zip here or individual songs here.
Jennifer Paige - Beautiful
Some days missing you is overwhelming/When it hits me you're not coming back/And in my darkest hours, I have wondered/Was it worth it for the time we had?
Bryan White - You Know How I Feel
Have you ever had one of those days when you really need a friend/The day drags on and on and you think there's no end/Then you know how I feel/Have you ever had one of those nights when you just lie awake/Staring at the ceiling until the dawn breaks/Then you know how I feel
Bryan Adams - Where Do I Go From Here
There's nowhere to go from here/Standin' here cold and shaken/How did I lose my way on this long lonely road that I've taken/Now that I've come to the end of the line/Now that I've run out of chances/Everything I love, it's been left behind/And I don't have any answers
Denison Witmer - What Will Stay?
What will stay? When everything is going, what remains?/When everything is leaving and all has slipped away/What will stay?/And what will change? When everything is different, what's the same?/When everything is leaving and all has slipped away/What will change?
Chase Coy - The Second that You Say
Did you know you have a special way/Of turning around my terrible days/You make all the bad things go away/The second that you say hello/It's the way that you talk, that you laugh, that you smile/If beauty was inches you'd go on for miles/It's the way that you make everything seem worthwhile/The second that you say hello
Josh Kelley - Walk Right In
If you want me and I want you/We should just open up the doors and walk right in/Walk right in/Let's live in this moment for a second/Two hearts plotting out the course/To walk right in/We should just walk right in
Rachel Yamagata & Dan Wilson - You Take My Troubles Away
You take my troubles away/You take my sirens away/You keep my sorrows at bay/Take it all, take it all away/You take my running away/You take my battles away/You take my breath away/Take it all, take it all away
Loudon Wainwright III & Shawn Colvin - A Heart Needs A Home
I came to you when no one could hear me/I'm sick and weary of being alone/Empty streets and hungry faces/The world's no place when you're on your own/A heart needs a home
Mark Erelli - Before I Knew Your Name
I walked these streets before I knew your name/Now you're by my side and nothing seems the same/Has everything turned upside down or am I the one who's changed/I walked these streets before I knew your name
Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home
I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me/And I can almost see/Through the dark there is light/If you knew how much this moment means to me/And how long I've waited for your touch/And if you knew how happy you are making me/I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
Ronan Keating - Scars
Everybody has regrets/Wounds they wish would heal/Clocks that won't reset/But I wouldn't change a thing/They're such a part of me/They make me who I am/No apologies for these scars
Author: Amre (dazzamre)
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just borrowing the boys (and a few other people) for a bit.
Warnings: AU, character death before the start of the story (not Kris or Adam)
Word Count: 7882
Summary: In the wake of a tragedy, Kris tries to pick up the pieces and move on. As with most things in his life, it doesn’t go exactly as planned.
A/N: Many thanks to my fantastic beta norosegarden. Also, a special thanks to anobakitay. She knows why. :) This fic was inspired by the film Back Soon, although I took some liberties with the plot. One line borrowed from the film. Title from the song “Even Now” by Linda Eder. Also, it’s really not as depressing as it sounds.
Hearts that Break Still Beat On
It shouldn't be this hard, Kris thinks. Getting up every day, putting one foot in front of the other. It should get easier. Everyone told him it would, assured him, promised him. But they were wrong. Kris doesn't like to think they lied, just that they didn't know any better. How could they?
For the first few weeks, the first month, after the accident, everyone was so understanding. His family and friends constantly around, prodding him to eat, gently steering him through the maze of red tape. Go here, sign this. His mother deftly handling all the decisions he couldn't face. At times it seems like it’s all a blur, but there are moments, almost like snapshots, that are frozen so firmly in his memory that he knows he’ll never forget them.
Six months later, they'd still been giving him a certain amount of leeway, walking on eggshells around him. Once in awhile a careless remark would slip out, followed by a flush of cheeks and a stuttered apology. After awhile, it was easier to just avoid his friends all together. A few refused to let him hide himself away, but even they don’t push like they used to. Kris doesn’t blame them.
It's been a year now. He can see the worry in his parents’ eyes. He knows his mother means well when she tells him he has to let go and move on. He tries not to get frustrated by his dad’s attempts to get him out of the house or his brother inviting himself over for a few hours or days. They want to help, and he understands that, but they all look at him like it's his fault somehow. Like he doesn't want all this pain and hurt to go away. If they only knew that he’d give anything, anything, not to be happy but just to stop feeling like this.
When his mother broaches the subject of selling the house, Kris admits that he’s been thinking the same thing. Maybe being surrounded by all these memories isn't good for him. It's been a year, and he still finds scraps of paper tucked between pages in half-read books; still finds stray earrings behind the dresser. He turns sometimes and catches a glimpse of a shadow out of the corner of his eye and for a split second he forgets. It's a blessing and a curse because as long as he’s here he still has a piece of her, but that's all it is, a shattered fragment of what once was, and it's never going to be more than that.
Kris doesn’t make the decision right away, but he takes the business card his brother offers him and slips it into his wallet. Over the next few weeks he takes it out and looks at it until the edges are frayed and the gold leaf on the raised letters is starting to wear off. It’s a call he doesn’t want to make, a step he's not sure he's ready for.
He tells himself that she’d understand, that if the situation were reversed he would want her to get on with her life. He spends the better part of one night alone in his bedroom, what used to be the guest room, talking to a photograph, trying to convince himself that he’s doing the right thing. The next day, even as he dials the number and schedules an appointment, he’s still not sure that he is.
~*~*~*~
"You want to do what?" Brad asks, stopping what he's doing, which is, as much as Adam can figure out, inexplicably cutting holes in a t-shirt, to stare at him. "A house? A fucking house? Why?"
Adam shrugs. He expects the sudden declaration to cause a commotion, and not just because Brad's been sleeping on his sofa for the last week since he broke up with his boyfriend. "Why not?" he asks. He's bored, but he's really not trying to bait Brad to entertain himself. That’s just an added bonus.
"Why not?" Brad repeats. "Why not? You couldn't commit to a house plant, let alone an actual house. You're talking a 30-year mortgage and living in the same place for longer than six months. Furniture, Adam, not boxes, and lawn maintenance. Shrubbery!" Brad sounds so horrified by the thought that it's hard not to laugh. "Will you help me talk some sense into him?"
Cassidy slowly lowers the magazine he's been reading, obviously trying to stay out of this argument. "I think it's a good idea," he says at last. "It's a buyer's market and real estate is always a good investment. Besides," he adds, directing his words at Adam, "I think it's time you grew up and settled down."
"My god, it's contagious," Brad cringes. "When did you become a real estate guru? And why would you want the hassle?" he asks turning back to Adam. "Buying a house is a big fucking deal. It's not something you can do on a whim and get out of when you realize you're in over your head. Mark my words, you're going to regret this."
Adam half expects him to add “maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow” to the end of his sentence and is a little disappointed when he doesn’t. He appreciates the misplaced, overly dramatic concern, but Brad's not saying anything he hasn't already thought himself. He knows buying a house is a big decision, but he's tired of cramped apartments and thin walls. He's not getting any younger, and he's finally at a place in his life when this doesn't have to be an unattainable dream. He wants roots, and a house is a good place to start.
He ignores Brad and, instead, makes plans with Cassidy to go house hunting. Brad rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and goes back to shredding the shirt.
~*~*~*~
Kris should have listened to his real estate agent when she told him he didn't want to stick around for the open house. He can only take so many snide comments about the wallpaper in the kitchen or the carpet in the living room before he's brushing past a soccer mom and making his way outside. He leans against the side of the house and takes a shaky breath.
"Wow."
Kris groans to himself and turns his head to find a guy standing just outside the door, gazing out at the backyard. He hasn't seen Kris yet, at least he doesn't think so, and Kris takes a minute to size him up. There's something in his voice and demeanor that catches Kris’ attention. It’s totally a gut instinct, but Kris thinks he'd be okay if this guy ends up with the house.
"You like it?" Kris asks, and the guy jerks his head in Kris' direction. He eyes Kris for a second, like he's trying to determine if he's competition, before grinning and nodding. He takes one last lingering look out over the pool before making his way over to Kris.
"It's a great house," the guy says. "Are you planning on making an offer?"
Kris shakes his head. "Nah, I'm looking for something a little different," he says, which isn't a lie. He's already found a smaller house a couple of miles away that he really likes. It's close enough that he can still use the same bank and grocery store, but far enough to give him a little space from his past. Maybe it would be easier if he started over from scratch somewhere new, but he's not ready to make that jump yet.
The guy looks relieved, and Kris can't help but return his smile. "I really like this house," he confides to Kris. "It's pretty much perfect. I've been looking at houses all week, but there's just something special about this one. I haven’t been able to picture myself in any of the other houses, but this just feels right. I probably don’t stand a chance,” he laments looking wistfully back at the house.
“Oh, I don’t know. I think you’ve got a pretty good shot. Kris Allen,” he says, sticking out his hand, mostly because he’s tired of referring to him as “the guy” in his head and wants a name to go with the face. “Homeowner.”
“Shit. Really? Sorry, um, Adam Lambert,” he says shaking Kris’ hand and regaining his composure quickly. “So you’re the one selling the house. I’m sorry, man, but I can’t imagine why you would want to give this up. This house is amazing.” He pauses a second and looks at Kris suspiciously. “Is there something wrong with it? Termites? Dry rot?”
Kris laughs and the sound takes him by surprise. It’s not something he’s heard a lot lately. “No, I promise there’s nothing wrong with it,” he assures Adam. “I just need a change. You know, close one chapter of my life and move on with the next.” It's the first time Kris has been sure of his decision, and he decides then and there that he wants Adam to buy the house.
Three days later his realtor is still trying to convince him not to accept the first offer, that they can get a lot more money for the house. There has been some other interest in it, but Kris doesn't care. It's not about the money. It's about someone living there that loves it as much as he does, as much as they did, and Kris is certain that Adam is the perfect person.
~*~*~*~
Adam drags Brad and Cassidy over to see the house as soon as he can. It looks different with all the furniture gone, but Adam can't wait to move in and make it his own. Brad grudgingly admits that it's awesome, and Cassidy is just relieved he doesn't have to look at any more houses with Adam.
Brad doesn't want to hear about the crown molding in the bedroom or the hardwood floors in the dining room and insists, instead, that Adam tell him about the guy he's buying it from. Again. There's really nothing to tell. Adam barely knows Kris, and he hasn't seen him since that day at the open house. He's pretty sure Kris was instrumental in him getting the house. He's grateful for that and wishes there was some way he could thank him.
A week later Adam gets his chance. He's sorting through a box of books when he's surprised by a knock at the door. He climbs from the floor wondering who it is. He doesn't know anyone in the neighborhood yet, and Brad has flat out refused to come back until he gets settled in. He's had enough of lugging boxes and moving furniture. Adam's not expecting Kris when he opens the door, but he's happy to see him anyway.
"I just wanted to see how you were settling in," Kris explains as Adam moves out of the doorway and insists he come in. Kris hesitates as he looks around the living room, a pained expression flashing briefly across his face before he smiles. "I like what you've done with the place."
It takes a little prodding, but Adam convinces Kris to let him buy him a cup of coffee at the diner two blocks over. It's the least he can do. They find a table near the back and chat while they sip their drinks. Kris all but confirms his suspicions that there had been other, better, offers on the house. He tells Adam about his new place and throws out an open invitation if he's ever in the neighborhood.
Kris is easy to talk to, even if Adam does sense that there's more to him than meets the eye. When they get back to the house, Kris wavers by the front door, saying that he really should go, but not making any effort to actually leave.
"It must be hard," Adam says sympathetically, and Kris looks at him, startled. "Seeing someone else in your house. I think it would be weird. I mean, you must have so many memories here."
Kris nods and sits down on the stoop. "I wasn't completely honest with you before," he says softly. Adam sits beside him and waits for him to continue. He doesn't have any idea what Kris means, but whatever it is, it's obviously not something he wants to talk about. "I didn't just move because I needed a change. This house...it belonged to me and my wife."
Adam wants to ask what happened. He wants to make the smile that's been on Kris' face the last hour come back. More troubling than that, he wants to wrap an arm around his shoulders and hug him. Adam keeps his hands to himself and doesn't say anything.
"She was in a car accident about a year ago, and..."
"I'm sorry," Adam says when Kris lets his sentence trail off without finishing it. He can't begin to imagine what Kris has been through, how hard it must be to lose someone that you love that much. He doesn't know what else to say, so he repeats it again. "I'm sorry, Kris. I’m so sorry."
~*~*~*~
Coffee once a week turns into lunch, and before long they’re going to the movies and hanging out like they’ve known each other forever. Kris can’t really explain why he likes spending time with Adam except that he doesn't have to pretend to be happy around him, not like he does with his family and the few friends who haven't disowned him yet. Somehow that freeness to just be himself makes Kris feel better than he has in a long time.
For the first time since the accident, he feels like he can talk about Katy. Adam doesn't watch him with worried eyes when he mentions her name, doesn't quickly change the subject. It feels good to be able to talk about her again, like he's recaptured some of what he lost. He knows he could talk about her with his family, but they all have their own stories, their own memories, and it’s easier somehow to talk with someone who didn’t know her.
His change in attitude doesn't go unnoticed. His mother casually tells him over the phone one night that he sounds happier, and Kris realizes that he is happier. He still misses her, so much sometimes that it feels like his heart is being ripped out. There are still times when he has to turn off the radio because a song reminds him of her or he wakes up from a nightmare in the middle of the night, but those times are getting fewer and farther between. Not a single day goes by that he doesn't think about her, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.
It doesn’t occur to him, at least not right away, that Adam has anything to do with his newfound happiness. There may be a correlation, Kris thinks, but it’s far from cause and effect. When Adam goes out of town with his friends for a couple of days, Kris can’t deny that he misses him. He tries to stay busy and not analyze it too much. It confuses him and makes him think about things he doesn’t want to and isn’t ready for, but lying in bed at night he can’t stop his mind from drifting to Adam. He thinks about where he is and what he’s doing, and Kris scoffs at himself when he wonders fleetingly if Adam misses him, too.
Adam calls and invites him over when he gets back to town, and Kris hesitates before agreeing. Maybe he's spending too much time with Adam. Maybe that's why things have gotten all jumbled up in his head. But Kris doesn't really like the alternative of not seeing Adam, so he goes.
Adam's friends, Brad and Cassidy, are just leaving when he gets there. Adam practically shoves them out the door, but Kris doesn't miss the innuendo in Brad's voice when he tells them to have a good time. Cassidy drags him away from the house towards the car as Adam mutters an apology and shuts the door behind them.
There's a brief, awkward moment that dissolves quickly. Soon they're sprawled on the sofa, half-watching a movie while Adam fills Kris in on his trip. He wants to hear about Kris' weekend, too, but Kris glosses over how embarrassingly dull the last few days have been and tries to make the hour he spent with his brother sound interesting.
It gets later and later and Kris knows he should go, but he doesn't really want to. They end up out by the pool, feet dangling in the water, staring up at the canopy of stars overhead. This has always been one of Kris' favorite places. It's where he would come when he was worried or stressed or just needed a break from the real world. He's spent a lot of time here during the last year.
"Penny for your thoughts," Adam says, and Kris looks at him with a small smile. He's not sure they're worth that much and tells Adam so. Adam grins and nudges him with his shoulder. "You're really quiet tonight. Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. No... I don't know," Kris shrugs. He glances at Adam from the corner of his eye, and his words catch in his throat when he sees the way Adam is looking at him. The concern in his eyes isn't the sympathy or pity that Kris is accustomed to. There's understanding and compassion there, but something else that Kris can't readily identify.
He doesn't plan to kiss Adam, doesn't even think about it, but he's leaning forward and Adam's not backing away. They wind up on the grass tangled up in each other, and Kris' heart is beating so fast he thinks he might be having a heart attack. He doesn't know what the hell he's doing, but he doesn't want to stop. When Adam pulls away to look at him questioningly, Kris can't do anything but press his lips to Adam's again hungrily.
There are alarms going off in his head, warning him that he's screwing up the one good thing in his life. Kris knows all the reasons why this is a mistake, why he should just get up and go home now, but despite all of that it feels right. It’s been so long, too long, since Kris has been this close to anyone. Not just physically, but emotionally. He’s never felt more alone than he has this last year, even when he’s been surrounded by friends and family, but he doesn’t feel that way when he’s with Adam. Being with Adam makes him feel like his life makes sense again. He knows it's cliché, but life's too short to pretend he doesn't want this. He'll deal with the consequences later.
Somewhere between the backyard and the bedroom, he stops thinking altogether and just follows his instincts. Adam's hands are everywhere, his mouth hot on Kris' skin. He wants to be touched and held, needs to be, and he clings to Adam until they’re both panting and sweaty, skin slick against skin. Adam’s stroking him, caressing him, gentle and demanding, whispering softly in his ear for Kris’ permission. Kris gives it freely, wanting whatever he offers, and when Adam’s finally inside him, Kris feels like he’s going to shatter into a million pieces. It’s over too soon, and Kris lies in bed next to Adam with a ridiculous grin on his face, exhausted but feeling incredible. It takes a minute before the reality of the situation catches up to him.
Kris feels like his whole world has been turned upside down, like everything he knew or thought he knew has to be reevaluated. The first nagging twinges of guilt begin to surface, and it must show on his face. Adam leans over him, placing a hand on his chest and pressing a kiss to his temple. “You’re allowed to be happy,” he says softly, and Kris wants to believe him. “You deserve to be.”
~*~*~*~
"You totally got laid last night," are the first words out of Brad's mouth when Adam sees him the next day. He demands details and frowns when Adam isn't very forthcoming. "Oh, you are so screwed. Adam, how many times do I have to tell you? You can flirt with straight boys, fuck 'em by all means, but you do not fall in love with them. They'll break your heart."
"I'm not in love with him," Adam denies, although he's not sure who he's trying to convince, Brad or himself. Things with Kris are...complicated. He's not exactly sure where they stand right now. Kris wasn't very talkative this morning, but he wasn't cold and he didn't act like he regretted last night. "And he's obviously not that straight."
Brad sighs in frustration. “You don’t just wake up gay! Look, he was married, happily according to you, and I want you to make sure you know what you’re getting into. He’s clearly got issues, Adam. Just…be careful.”
Adam appreciates his concern, and he gets a similar lecture from Cassidy later in the day. He knows this is all new to Kris. He knows that Kris is confused and a little unsure of what he’s feeling, and Adam is well aware of the fact that Kris comes with a lot of baggage. The last year of his life hasn’t been easy. He’s been to hell and back, but where there could have been hesitation and doubt last night, Adam only saw desire and need.
Adam spends most of the day imagining what Kris is going to say when he sees him tonight. What he’s going to say to Kris. Adam’s known for awhile that his feelings for Kris aren’t quite as innocent as he’s tried to convince himself, but he thought that was just something he’d have to live with if he wanted to be friends with Kris and, hopefully, it would fade over time. Kris has pretty much taken everything Adam thought was true about their relationship and turned it on its head. He doesn’t know what the boundaries are now.
Kris arrives at the house a little before seven looking nervous and carrying a pizza. They eat mostly in silence, letting the TV fill the gaps and making small talk while they avoid the topic at hand. The pizza’s half gone before either of them bring up the night before.
“So, um, last night was…really out of character for me,” Kris says, risking a quick glance at Adam. His fingers tap nervously on the edge of his plate, and he bites his bottom lip. “But it was…good.” He pauses a second, then blushes as he smiles sheepishly. “Amazing.”
“Yeah,” Adam nods, relieved by his words. “It was.”
“I don’t know what all of this means, but…I like you. I like being with you. I always thought I knew exactly where my life was headed, but...well, it obviously hasn't turned out like I thought it would," Kris says, only the slightest hint of bitterness in his words.
“Look, this doesn't have to mean anything. We can just...I mean, if you want to, we can just see what happens. Make up our own rules as we go," Adam tells him. He wants Kris to know that he's not sure exactly what's going on either, but he's willing to find out. When he met Kris, this was the last thing he expected, but he’s in too deep now to run away, no matter how complicated it is.
“I’d like that,” Kris smiles with a nod. They go back to their pizza with plenty still left unsaid between them, but there will be time to figure it all out. They have however long it takes, and there’s no rush to define their relationship right now. Later, when they're curled up in Adam's bed, Kris tries to explain. There’s this connection between them, and even though Kris doesn’t verbalize it very well, Adam understands immediately what he’s talking about because he’s felt it from the first minute he met Kris. It just is.
Kris finally drifts to sleep, but Adam lies awake a long time afterwards stroking his back and staring at the shadows on the ceiling.
~*~*~*~
Kris knows that, on a list of things he never expected, sleeping with a guy should rank pretty high, but maybe it just goes to show how strange his life has been lately that it barely registers with him. It really doesn’t freak him out that he feels this way about another man; it freaks him out that he feels this way about anyone.
For the last six months his friends have been dropping not-so-subtle hints that he should start dating again. He doesn’t even know how to reply to that. Unless asking Mary Beth Turner to marry him in first grade counts, and Kris is highly doubtful that it does, there’s never been anyone other than Katy. Until a year ago, he’d never had any reason to think there ever would be.
But now, well, there's Adam. It's not something he could have predicted or planned, but that's the story of his life. It's still strange sometimes, after being on his own so long, to fall asleep with Adam's arm draped across his hip or to wake up to him singing in the shower, but Kris is happier than he's been in a long time. He likes being part of a couple and having someone else around. "We" and "us" aren't just slips of the tongue anymore.
He has moments, though, when he wonders what Katy would think of this whole situation. If she would like Adam. If she would approve of them. He likes to think that she would want him to be happy and wouldn't care about anything else, but even he knows she wasn’t that much of a saint. He notices the curious, and sometimes scandalized, glances from the people who used to be their neighbors, and he tries not to let it bother him.
Something he can't ignore quite as easily is telling his family about Adam. He's not sure how they're going to react, but he can’t keep hiding this huge, important part of his life from them. His mother keeps hinting about this "nice girl" that's moved in down the street, and Daniel's been trying to set him up on blind dates for the last two months. Kris just doesn't know how to tell them that he's already seeing someone.
Adam has been so open, inviting Kris into his life, introducing him to his friends and family. Kris feels guilty that he's not doing the same. His family has met Adam; it's almost impossible for them not to cross paths when Kris is spending so much time with him. But they assume he's just a friend, and Kris lets them. Adam assures him over and over that he understands and it's okay, but that only makes Kris feel worse.
Kris is feeling particularly guilty when Adam suggests they go out to dinner at a new restaurant they've both been wanting to try. The place is small and intimate, and when Adam greets the waiter by name they're led to a table in the corner. It feels natural for Kris to reach across the table and take Adam's hand while they wait for their food. He toys with one of the rings Adam wears and traces his index finger across the lines on his palm. When Kris glances up at him, Adam's smiling, his blue eyes twinkling, and Kris feels a sudden rush of affection.
"Kris?"
Adam slides his hand away discretely, and Kris frowns as he twists in his chair to see who called his name. His friend Cale is standing next to their table with a woman Kris vaguely recognizes but can’t put a name to. He hasn’t seen Cale since he met Adam, and he hasn’t talked to him in weeks.
Cale is watching them curiously, and Kris knows this has to look exactly like what it is - a date. Kris makes the introductions, not going so far as to say that he and Adam are together, but from the way Cale is looking at him, it’s obvious he's reached that conclusion on his own. When they leave, Adam reaches back across the table and takes Kris’ hand in his.
Kris decides then and there that he can’t put off telling his family any longer. Two days later, Daniel is at his house on the pretense of watching a baseball game, but he’s been quiet and distracted ever since he got there. Kris is expecting it, almost waiting for it, so when his brother tells him he ran into Cale, it’s not a surprise.
Daniel dances around the question he really wants to ask, commenting on how much time he’s spending with Adam and how he’s not seeing his old friends like he used to, even after the accident. He finally gets frustrated with Kris’ shrugs and one word answers. “What’s up with you?” he asks at last.
"I don't know what you're talking about," Kris tells him. "If there's something you want to say to me, just say it."
"Fine. Look, I told Cale he was crazy, but he thinks there's something going on with you and Adam. So...is there? I mean are you...Are you and Adam...?" Daniel seems unable to finish his sentence, and Kris isn't sure he's ever seen his brother at such a loss for words. "Forget it. It doesn't matter anyway, but you're not, so...Cale's wrong."
"No," Kris says quietly. His mouth is suddenly dry, but he fights the lump in his throat and keeps going. "He’s not. Not about this. I’ve been seeing Adam for awhile now.”
Daniel just stares at him for a minute. His eyebrows are knitted together as though he's trying to make sense of what Kris just said. He shakes his head looking completely bewildered. “You’re seeing him? What does that mean? Are you sleeping with him? Are you, like, gay now? Kris, what the hell is going on?”
“I don’t know,” Kris says with a shrug. “Maybe I am. All I know is I never thought I’d feel this way about anyone ever again, and I’m not going to run away from it because it doesn’t fit into the tidy little box I’d labeled for myself. I couldn’t care less about all of that. I’m happy, Daniel. Really happy for the first time in a long time.”
Daniel sighs and rubs the back of his neck before glancing at Kris. Kris almost gets the feeling he's looking through him as Daniel peers intently at him for a minute. His face softens and a tiny smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. "You are, aren't you?”
Kris nods, holding his breath as he waits for his brother’s reaction. It matters to him, more than he wants to admit, what his family thinks. Maybe not enough to make him give this up, but enough to hurt if they don’t understand. He and Daniel have always been close, and he doesn’t want anything to change that.
“Look, I don't get it, but if you know what you're doing, if that's what you want, then...I don't care. You're still my brother," Daniel says. He hesitates for a second and frowns slightly. "Just one thing. I want to be there when you tell Mom and Dad."
Kris doesn't want to get sappy or sentimental, but Daniel's support means a lot to him. The fact that he wants to be there when Kris tells their parents is a little unexpected but welcomed. It's comforting to know he doesn't have to face them on his own. Kris opens his mouth to thank him, but Daniel interrupts him.
"Dude, this is gonna be better than that time you 'borrowed' Dad's truck while they were out of town and hit the principal's car at Chick-fil-A when you were cutting class," Daniel says almost gleefully. He always conveniently forgets that he was with Kris when that happened, and Kris still thinks the principal shouldn't have been there anyway, not in the middle of a school day. "How long did they ground you? A month?"
Kris should be annoyed with his brother, but he's not. The way Daniel's teasing him means that nothing’s changed between them and that's all he wants. He rolls his eyes and socks him hard in the shoulder. Daniel just laughs and tells him he hits like a girl.
~*~*~*~
Adam offers to go with Kris when he has dinner with his parents, but he's relieved when Kris turns him down. Regardless of their reaction, it's not going to be a fun night, and as much as he wants to be there for Kris, this is really a conversation he should have alone with his family.
When Kris finally shows up at his house a little past nine, he doesn’t say anything right away. He just hugs Adam in the hallway for a minute, holding on to him so tightly that Adam’s sure tonight was a complete disaster. “It’s okay,” he murmurs, “It’ll be okay. They’ll come around, Kris.”
Kris pulls away from him and shakes his head. “No, they were great,” he smiles. They settle on the sofa, and Kris takes him through the whole evening, from his nervousness about telling them to his mom crying because he was worried about how they would react. Kris chokes up a bit on that part and skims over it. “I think Daniel was a little disappointed that it wasn’t more dramatic. It’s going to take them some time to get used to the idea, but they're trying. They want to meet you. I mean, officially, you know? Are you okay with that?”
“Of course,” Adam tells him. “Just tell me when and where.”
Adam, unsurprisingly, loves Kris’ family, and sporadic dinners turn into a weekly event. Kim treats him like a third son, which is a little disconcerting since he is sleeping with Kris, but Adam adores her. He talks music with Neil, and he likes having Daniel around to fill that younger brother void he feels sometimes since he doesn’t get to see his as often as he’d like.
Things are going well, really well, and that's why Adam tries to ignore the tiny pangs he gets from time to time when Kris talks about Katy. He tries not to think too much about the times he wakes up in the middle of the night and finds Kris sitting alone in the living room or out by the pool. He knows Kris is happy and that it’s expecting too much for him to completely let go of his past. It shouldn’t bother Adam, it’s such a tiny thing, really, in the grand scheme of things, but it does.
"Trouble in paradise?" Brad asks one day at lunch, stirring his drink with a straw and raising an eyebrow at Adam in a look that's more curious than sympathetic. Brad's been doubtful about Kris all along, and Adam doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of being right. Not that he is because, really, everything's fine.
"No," Adam says a little too quickly and way too defensively, and Brad's eyebrow arches higher. "I'm serious. We're fine. Things are great." Adam stabs at his food with a fork and glares at Brad as if daring him to argue with him.
It doesn't work, but then it never works on Brad. "Cut the bullshit," he says bluntly, narrowing his eyes at Adam. "What's wrong? And don't say 'nothing'. I know you better than that." He kicks Adam lightly under the table and gives him a stern look as he waits for him to talk.
Adam doesn't know where to start. Things are actually pretty fantastic between him and Kris. They enjoy being together, and they have a lot more in common than Adam initially thought they would. This is the best relationship he’s ever been in. Kris just gets him. They can talk for hours or curl up on the sofa and not say a word. It's easy to be with him, comfortable.
Brad frowns and leans forward when he doesn't say anything. "How's the sex?" he asks quietly, meaning only the tables immediately next to them can hear instead of the whole restaurant. Subtle is not part of Brad’s vocabulary. "Is that it? Is he lousy in bed?"
Adam rolls his eyes. Of course that's Brad's first question. And, okay, yeah, he’s broken up with people before because the chemistry just wasn’t there, but that’s definitely not a problem with Kris. When it comes to the bedroom, Adam doesn’t have any complaints. "It's fine," he says, really not wanting to discuss this with Brad right now. “Everything’s fine.”
“Liar,” Brad accuses. “Okay, if the sex is so great,” he says as if he doesn’t quite believe Adam, “then what’s the problem? Does he snore? Is he a Republican? What is it?”
Adam’s going to tell Brad eventually, he always does, but he hesitates a second because he knows what he’s about to say is going to make him sound like a horrible person. He cares about Kris a lot; he might even love him, and that’s what makes this so hard. “Sometimes,” Adam says softly, “I catch him staring off into space, like he’s a million miles away…and I know he’s thinking about her.”
The exasperated look on Brad's face softens, and he reaches across the table to touch Adam's arm. "Of course that bothers you. It's not like they broke up, and he moved on by choice. There's still a lot of leftover feelings. There probably always will be."
"But how do I compete with that?" Adam asks.
"You don't," Brad says simply with a shrug. He sighs and shakes his head. "It's not a contest. He loved her, but he obviously cares about you, too. One doesn't have anything to do with the other. It's not like his past with her lessens what he has with you. It doesn't work that way."
It’s a nice thought, and it makes Adam feel a little better, but he knows it's not quite that black and white. He also knows this is his problem. Kris hasn't done anything wrong, and Adam has to come to terms with this on his own. He wasn't sure it would, but talking to Brad has actually helped. It's definitely given Adam a different perspective.
Adam nods and picks up the tab for lunch. It's the least he can do.
~*~*~*~
Kris isn’t sure when the dreams started. He just knows they’re not like the dreams he had after the accident. Those left him in a cold sweat as he sat upright, alone in bed, his heart pounding. This is…different.
He wants to tell Adam because Kris knows he’s starting to worry about him, but he just doesn’t know how. He doesn’t want to hurt Adam, and Kris doesn’t see how telling him he’s having dreams about Katy can do anything but that.
Kris is completely head-over-heels in love with Adam. He knows it, and he’s pretty sure anyone that spends more than five minutes with them knows it, too. Just because he hasn’t said the words yet doesn’t mean he feels it any less. There have been times when the words are on the tip of his tongue, and then the guilt hits him full force. Rationally, Kris knows he doesn’t have anything to feel bad about. He’s moving on. He’s with Adam now, he loves Adam, and admitting that shouldn’t make him feel like he’s betraying Katy in some way, but it does. It’s not fair to Adam.
The strange part is Kris is happy, the happiest he’s been in a really long time. He loves being with Adam. They just click, and they have since the first time they met. Most of the time things are great. He can go days without thinking about his past, weeks without having a dream, then suddenly, out of the blue, there it is again, waking him up from a deep sleep and leaving him sitting in the dark on the sofa trying to figure out what it all means.
Adam doesn’t get up anymore and look for him. He did at first, but Kris assumes Adam knows he’ll find his way back to bed eventually. He never asks Kris what’s bothering him, and Kris is mostly thankful for that. He doesn’t want to have to explain but part of him feels like he needs to. If Adam can ignore it, though, so can he.
It’s been a few weeks since the last dream, and Kris is almost beginning to be lulled into a false sense of security. Almost. That night when he goes to bed, he holds Adam a little tighter than normal. Adam doesn’t say anything; he just wraps an arm around Kris and presses a kiss to his temple.
Kris knows he’s dreaming. He always knows, but that doesn’t make it any easier. He’s always in the same location, and there’s something familiar about it, but Kris can’t place it. It takes him a minute to realize that there’s something off about wherever he is. It’s like an Escher print - everything looks normal until he really begins to examine it, and then none of it makes sense. He’s lost, and he doesn’t know how to get out of the building. He knows Katy’s waiting for him; he can hear her calling, but he can’t find her.
That’s usually when Kris wakes up, but not this time. Instead of the panic he usually feels as he tries doors and hallways that lead nowhere, Kris just sits down in the middle of the floor. He calls out to Katy, tells her he’s waiting. It seems like an eternity passes, but then the door, the one Kris has tried a million times, opens, and she’s standing there, looking exactly like she did when she left the house for the last time.
She smiles sadly at him and crosses the room to sit beside him. They don’t look at each other, and they don’t say anything for a long time. Kris is finally the one who breaks the silence. “You said you’d be right back,” he says quietly. “You were just going to the store.”
“I know,” she answers.
“I waited. You said you’d be back soon, so I waited,” Kris tells her.
“I know you did,” she says softly, and Kris can feel her hand on his arm. “But you don’t have to wait anymore. I know you loved me, so much, but it’s okay if you love him, too.” She kisses his cheek, and Kris wants to hold onto her and never let go. She wraps an arm around his shoulders and hugs him. They sit like that for a long time, not saying anything and not moving. Kris is afraid to because he doesn‘t want this to end. “Be happy,” Katy whispers.
Kris finally turns to look at her, but she’s gone. It’s almost like she was never there, except he can still feel her kiss on his cheek and smell her perfume. He thinks he should be sad, but he's not. He glances around the room and realizes that everything's back the way it should be. He still doesn't recognize the place, but it doesn't seem so important.
When Kris wakes up, he knows he won’t have the dream anymore. He can't explain why he's so certain, but he is. Closure is a stupid word, and Kris hates it, but he can't find another way to describe what he feels. He smiles faintly into his pillow and rolls over to wrap his arms around Adam, only he's not there.
Kris fumbles in the dark for his glasses and checks the time. It's a little after two. He's usually the one up wandering around at this hour, not Adam. Kris finds him in the kitchen, leaning on the counter as he looks out over the pool. "Hey," Kris says quietly, trying not to startle him. He slides an arm around Adam's waist and kisses his shoulder. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Adam murmurs. "I just...do you have a picture of Katy?"
The question catches Kris off-guard, but he nods. Adam follows him to the bedroom, turning on a lamp and sitting on the edge of the bed while Kris searches through his wallet for the picture he keeps tucked at the back. He hands it to Adam and watches as he stares down at it. He's never thought to show him before, and Adam's never asked. "Adam?"
"This is Katy," he says quietly. He looks up at Kris, and he can see the confusion in Adam's eyes. "I...I had a dream about her, but...how could I..." Adam trails off and looks back down at the picture. "How is that possible?"
"Tell me about it?" Kris asks, sitting down next to him. He has an odd feeling he already knows what Adam's going to say, but he wants to hear it. He should probably be freaking out, at least a little bit, but he feels strangely calm. "Please?" he says when Adam hesitates.
"She..." Adam takes a deep breath and continues. "She said it was okay if I loved you. She just wants you to be happy. Kris, I've never had a dream like that before. It was just..."
"I know," Kris says softly, and Adam looks at him quickly. Kris nods in answer to his unspoken question. "I've been dreaming about her a lot lately," he admits, "but tonight was different. It was so real."
"Yeah," Adam agrees.
Kris can't explain what happened tonight; he doesn't even want to try. Right now, he just wants to hold Adam and put everything else out of his mind. Most people aren't fortunate enough to find love like this once in their life, and he's found it twice. He slides a little closer to Adam and reaches for his hand, threading their fingers together and squeezing. "I love you," he tells Adam and smiles. He doesn't feel guilty; he doesn't feel anything but deep, overwhelming adoration and love.
Adam only wavers a second. "I love you, too," he says, raising their hands to his lips and planting a kiss on the back of Kris’.
Later, when Adams drifts off again and Kris is watching him sleep, he thinks that maybe all of his friends and family knew what they were talking about after all. It does get easier. The pain will never go away completely, and he’ll never be the person he was before the accident. It’s impossible to go through something like that and not change, but Kris is starting to realize that’s not a bad thing.
He’ll always cherish his past, but he’s ready to build a new life with Adam. Kris is happy and, really, that’s all he can ask for, more than he’d ever dared hope for. He’s been given a second chance, and he intends to make the most of it. Life’s too short to do anything else.
The End
You can download the zip here or individual songs here.
Jennifer Paige - Beautiful
Some days missing you is overwhelming/When it hits me you're not coming back/And in my darkest hours, I have wondered/Was it worth it for the time we had?
Bryan White - You Know How I Feel
Have you ever had one of those days when you really need a friend/The day drags on and on and you think there's no end/Then you know how I feel/Have you ever had one of those nights when you just lie awake/Staring at the ceiling until the dawn breaks/Then you know how I feel
Bryan Adams - Where Do I Go From Here
There's nowhere to go from here/Standin' here cold and shaken/How did I lose my way on this long lonely road that I've taken/Now that I've come to the end of the line/Now that I've run out of chances/Everything I love, it's been left behind/And I don't have any answers
Denison Witmer - What Will Stay?
What will stay? When everything is going, what remains?/When everything is leaving and all has slipped away/What will stay?/And what will change? When everything is different, what's the same?/When everything is leaving and all has slipped away/What will change?
Chase Coy - The Second that You Say
Did you know you have a special way/Of turning around my terrible days/You make all the bad things go away/The second that you say hello/It's the way that you talk, that you laugh, that you smile/If beauty was inches you'd go on for miles/It's the way that you make everything seem worthwhile/The second that you say hello
Josh Kelley - Walk Right In
If you want me and I want you/We should just open up the doors and walk right in/Walk right in/Let's live in this moment for a second/Two hearts plotting out the course/To walk right in/We should just walk right in
Rachel Yamagata & Dan Wilson - You Take My Troubles Away
You take my troubles away/You take my sirens away/You keep my sorrows at bay/Take it all, take it all away/You take my running away/You take my battles away/You take my breath away/Take it all, take it all away
Loudon Wainwright III & Shawn Colvin - A Heart Needs A Home
I came to you when no one could hear me/I'm sick and weary of being alone/Empty streets and hungry faces/The world's no place when you're on your own/A heart needs a home
Mark Erelli - Before I Knew Your Name
I walked these streets before I knew your name/Now you're by my side and nothing seems the same/Has everything turned upside down or am I the one who's changed/I walked these streets before I knew your name
Chantal Kreviazuk - Feels Like Home
I'm alright 'cause I have you here with me/And I can almost see/Through the dark there is light/If you knew how much this moment means to me/And how long I've waited for your touch/And if you knew how happy you are making me/I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
Ronan Keating - Scars
Everybody has regrets/Wounds they wish would heal/Clocks that won't reset/But I wouldn't change a thing/They're such a part of me/They make me who I am/No apologies for these scars