Dying inside
Title: Dying inside
Author: Legolas
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: G
Disclaimer: 100% fiction, all characters fake and in no way related to any real life person
Summary: Kris wishes winning American Idol is only about the title and nothing else but....
The night of the finale seems like a distant memory. Winning American Idol might have been the biggest thing to happen to a person but not to Kris Allen. There are far more things going through his mind than being crowned the American Idol. He wished it were all about the title and nothing else.
Now Kris is sitting alone in his new home in Los Angeles, a home that doesn’t feel like home. The silence at night is haunting.
It was 1 month ago when he was crowned the winner. However, he had never felt like he won anything since. Making through every week’s elimination felt more like triumphs than the final winning moment. Of course, it all came down to the fact that he still thinks Adam should have taken the title.
He sincerely wanted Adam to win and it is not because of all the comments he hears from the judges, producers and the general public. Though he had only known Adam for the past 7 months, it felt like a lifetime. And in his interpretation of lifetime, he had come to know Adam inside out. He understands every facial expression, every movement, what is going through his mind and all of his habits. He knows that Adam has got great talents and he meant every word of his in those past repeated interviews, when he said Adam is one of the greatest talents to ever grace the Idol stage. He wanted Adam to win, not just because of the title or the recording contract; it is because he only wanted Adam to be happy and vice versa. Adam had told him that he had a feeling that Kris would win and he wanted Kris to take the title because he only wanted happiness for Kris.
It all felt so wrong and right at the same time. He felt a gush of guilt running through his body. He felt guilty for two things. First, he felt guilty because according to many, he stole the title away from Adam. The second reason he felt guilty as shit has got nothing to do with winning Idol. He felt guilty towards his wife, Katy.
“I hate you, Daniel”, Kris cursing in his mind. Yes, Kris is left with no one to blame but his younger brother. It all started because he agreed to go for the auditions with him. If only they did not turn up for the auditions, none of these would have to take place and he would not have come to know this individual whom he had deeply fallen in love with. It makes him sick to his stomach that he can’t deny it anymore. It is killing him on the inside. He knows that Adam is hurting now, thinking he could never have a life with Kris. He also knows that Katy would hurt like a knife piercing through her in the heart if he tells her that he had fallen out of love with her because of Adam.
Kris is lost. He is being shred to pieces but no one will ever notice. He had no one to confess his feelings or dilemma to. It makes no sense to even talk to any of his family members. At this point, he feels that no one will understand. If he confesses his feelings to him, Adam might not take it seriously. Adam will continue to hurt, thinking that Kris will eventually come to his senses and return to his wife. But for him to prove his feelings are genuine, he would need to break the news to Katy. She will be very hurt and Kris had once vowed never to hurt her but to protect her.
He can no longer protect her. He longed for Adam’s presence. He felt sick and dizzy, he felt like choking, like as if he had meatballs being shoved down his throat! Kris ran to the nearest washroom that he managed to reach, wrapped his hands around the toilet seat and vomited everything he ate. At a distance, he could hear the sound of the television, which he had left on since forever. Piercing through his ears, the reporter said, “Adam’s fans are still crying foul over the American Idol voting results. Many think that Kris Allen does not deserve to beat Danny Gokey, let alone winning the title......”
That announcement is the last thing Kris needs to hear. He is still seated on the cold tiles of his washroom and he wonders what had he done to deserve all these.
Without thinking, he suddenly felt the need to let it all out. He went out to his room, picked up his mobile and started texting Katy. It was short but he knows the message was clear. He knows Katy will be very hurt but it will be a quick kill and hopefully, she will move on and find a better person who deserves her love. Kris did not expect her to reply or call immediately, as she is currently engaged in a church camp in Jamaica.
At this point, his guilt level had reached an all time high. Again, he felt sick to the stomach but there is nothing for him to throw up anymore. He felt the urge to call Adam and without thinking, he pressed dial on Adam’s contact. In a split second after hearing Adam’s voice, Kris cut the call. As much as he wanted to hear his comforting voice, he is just too distressed to think clearly. He doesn’t know what he wanted to do. He just felt disorientated. His head is pounding and the headache he had been suffering for days has become so bad, he felt nothing but numbness.
Kris picked himself up and headed to the kitchen. His was head was pounding hard and he couldn’t even walk straight. The whole room felt like it was spinning around him. When Kris got to the kitchen, he didn’t know what his intention was to go in there. Then, the bottle of whiskey in one of the cabinets caught his eyes and he grabbed it instantly. He was gulping down the hard liquor like water. His headache has reached to the worst level, the liquor felt like heaven to his body in taking away the pain.
As he stood on the kitchen floor, he thought to himself, he can’t go through another day having to deal with all the guilt. The clock is ticking and soon, it will be morning and he would have to wake up to another day of pain. He just couldn’t do it all over again. He didn’t want to hear Katy’s voice, he was afraid to hear or catch a hint of Adam and he certainly didn’t want to deal with every single reporters & news telling him he didn’t deserve to win Idol.
Kris stood up, calmly walked to the medication cabinet and took out a bunch of pills from various bottles.
………………………………………………………………………………
“HELLO?” yelled Adam. “God damn it Kris, you called and you lay off without speaking a word?” yelled Adam again. Allison and Matt were dining with Adam in a famous Chinese restaurant joint in L.A.
Adam felt uneasy after the call from Kris. He knows that Kris had been looking a little down this past week but when he and the rest probe him further, he never reveal anything. Kris will just brush it off by saying he is tired, burnt out and just generally missing home. However, Adam feels there is more. It broke his heart to somehow feel that Kris is sobbing internally and yet, trying hard everyday to put on a smile for the other idols, the crew and the media. As much as Adam wanted to offer his heart to listen to Kris’s problems and as much as he wanted to offer to hold him tight just to take away all his insecurities, Adam knew he can’t allow himself to do that. He didn’t want to scare Kris away and he might just lose a very precious friend. His heart wrenched…..he wanted them to be more than friends but he knows that is not possible.
Adam felt guilty for thinking beyond friendship between him and Kris. He knows at this point, he shouldn’t be thinking about that because Kris is clearly been disturbed by other problems. Adam is well aware of the outcry by some of his fans and the media when Kris won the title. The media has been shredding Kris to pieces since he was announced the winner. Really, fuck them…Adam thought to himself. He adores Kris to death and he knows, as well as the other contestants and the crew, that Kris is talented and gifted. Kris is like magic when it comes to music and songwriting and Adam really felt the emotions in all his performances. He really felt the urge to yell at the media and let them know that Kris is amazing and that people doesn’t get to see that because Kris is so humble. Kris had once told Adam that there is no need to explain to the public. He knew deep down who he is and he doesn’t think there is any need to explain himself. Adam wanted to so much to hug and kiss Kris all over when he heard him saying that. To Adam, Kris is just so pure and beautiful.
Adam felt a sudden jolt and sickening feeling in his stomach. He stood up so fast; it gave Allison and Matt a shock. “I think I want to drop by Kris’s house now. I don’t know why but I feel something is not right. He doesn’t usually call and then hang up without saying a word. You guys can continue and I’ll catch you guys later” said Adam in a very hastily manner. However, both Allison and Matt stood up, disagreed with his proposition and offered to go with him to check on Kris. So, three of them drove to Kris’s house, just a 10 minutes drive up the hills.
…………………………………………………………………………………………
Upon reaching Kris’s house, Adam felt uneasy. The house was dark and there were no lights except from the tiny shades coming from the kitchen window. Adam spotted Kris’s car and knew he is at home. The gate was unlocked and so, they entered the front porch. However, the front door was locked. Adam took out his mobile and dialed Kris’s number, while Matt went peering through the kitchen window.
“Kris, pick up the phone now.....pick it up baby! Just pick it up and tell me you are okay,” Adam mumbling to himself. Allison started to panned around, looking panic. Suddenly, Matt yelled, “Oh my god, Adam……over here! You just called Kris, right. I can see his mobile lighting up on the kitchen floor…over there. There, take a look,” Matt pointing while stepping away to let Adam peep through. Adam dialed Kris’s number again and indeed, the mobile light started shining like a blinding blue star in a dark sky. However, they can’t see Kris.
Adam started feeling sick and felt his intestines all twitching up inside his body. He yelled at Allison to call emergency while he pulled Matt over to the garage. Without thinking, both of them took the spades lying outside of the garage, went back to the kitchen window and started smashing the windows. The sound was piercing high and they were quite sure to have alerted some close by neighbors. But Adam didn’t give a damn. He felt himself fighting back tears which he didn’t even know why. He just felt something bad is happening to Kris and while he kept assuring himself, everything is going to be fine and that tomorrow, they will be gathering and continue to do their usual rounds of rehearsals and interviews, he felt a sickening feeling that he might be losing Kris.
When they managed to break the window free, Adam quickly climbed up the window shield and jump inside the kitchen floor. He is quite familiar with the house and he ran straight to the switches and on the lights. While trying to get his focus around while adjusting to the blinding lights, he spotted something lying behind the island counter and his heart stopped.
It was Kris. His small frame sprawled wide on the kitchen tiles, pale like a white sheet of paper. Adam pull himself together, kneeled down next to Kris lifeless body and shook him violently. Matt, standing above them, was shocked beyond words. He scrambled out of the kitchen to find Allison and to get help.
“Kris, wake up baby! Come on now….youuu..you should be sleeping on the bed, not here you silly boy!”. Adam will not let go and he tried his very best to pick up Kris. However, Kris’s dead weight felt like tones of steel and Adam couldn’t manage to pick him up. Adam yelled, “COME ON, YOU BASTARD! WAKE UP…….DON’T YOU DARE. DON’T YOU DARE KRIS? Argghhhhhh….wake up baby! I can’t live without you……..NO I CAN’T” Adam continued to yell. He was still shaking Kris lifeless body violently and started slapping his face, “You are so selfish….how could you be so heartless!!?”
Flashes of blue and red lights can be seen outside of the house entrance. Adam was still clutching Kris close to his chest when the paramedics came in. Matt and Allison tried to pull Adam away but he refused to let go. “LET HIM GO ADAM, the doctors will take it from here….” said a very helpless Allison, whose face makeup was smudged with all the sweat and tears on her face! Adam let slip of Kris’s cold hands and watch the paramedics stretched him away into the ambulance.
Adam sat motionless on the kitchen floor and mumbled, “Are we losing him?” Allison hugged Adam on that instant and cried. Three of them stayed in the kitchen for a while, which felt like years!
……………………………………………………………………………………………
Everyone was waiting outside of the operation room down the hall. Kris has been wheeled in to the OR for about an hour since coming out of the ER. Adam, Allison and Matt have managed to make their way to the hospital after leaving Kris’s house. They had difficulty in leaving as the police wanted some questioning done. However, 19E lawyers came to their rescue and they were excused for the night.
Adam could not feel his body. He felt numb and even more so when Kris was wheeled out of the ER, with all sorts of tubes connected to his small body.
All of the idols were gathered in the hall, waiting. However, Kris’s family is still on the way, being flown in by private jet from Arkansas, which Kris’s management has arranged. Katy was unreachable when Allison tried her mobile. She continues to try but still no connection.
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
Hours passed and still waiting.
Katy was not reachable still.
Kris’s parents and brother, Daniel has all arrived. Sobbing and stunned.
Adam’s parents were present too. Adam is being sandwiched by his mum and dad. They held him tightly, knowing that he is very emotional at that point because he and Kris are very close friends.
Waiting…………waiting………….
Author: Legolas
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: G
Disclaimer: 100% fiction, all characters fake and in no way related to any real life person
Summary: Kris wishes winning American Idol is only about the title and nothing else but....
The night of the finale seems like a distant memory. Winning American Idol might have been the biggest thing to happen to a person but not to Kris Allen. There are far more things going through his mind than being crowned the American Idol. He wished it were all about the title and nothing else.
Now Kris is sitting alone in his new home in Los Angeles, a home that doesn’t feel like home. The silence at night is haunting.
It was 1 month ago when he was crowned the winner. However, he had never felt like he won anything since. Making through every week’s elimination felt more like triumphs than the final winning moment. Of course, it all came down to the fact that he still thinks Adam should have taken the title.
He sincerely wanted Adam to win and it is not because of all the comments he hears from the judges, producers and the general public. Though he had only known Adam for the past 7 months, it felt like a lifetime. And in his interpretation of lifetime, he had come to know Adam inside out. He understands every facial expression, every movement, what is going through his mind and all of his habits. He knows that Adam has got great talents and he meant every word of his in those past repeated interviews, when he said Adam is one of the greatest talents to ever grace the Idol stage. He wanted Adam to win, not just because of the title or the recording contract; it is because he only wanted Adam to be happy and vice versa. Adam had told him that he had a feeling that Kris would win and he wanted Kris to take the title because he only wanted happiness for Kris.
It all felt so wrong and right at the same time. He felt a gush of guilt running through his body. He felt guilty for two things. First, he felt guilty because according to many, he stole the title away from Adam. The second reason he felt guilty as shit has got nothing to do with winning Idol. He felt guilty towards his wife, Katy.
“I hate you, Daniel”, Kris cursing in his mind. Yes, Kris is left with no one to blame but his younger brother. It all started because he agreed to go for the auditions with him. If only they did not turn up for the auditions, none of these would have to take place and he would not have come to know this individual whom he had deeply fallen in love with. It makes him sick to his stomach that he can’t deny it anymore. It is killing him on the inside. He knows that Adam is hurting now, thinking he could never have a life with Kris. He also knows that Katy would hurt like a knife piercing through her in the heart if he tells her that he had fallen out of love with her because of Adam.
Kris is lost. He is being shred to pieces but no one will ever notice. He had no one to confess his feelings or dilemma to. It makes no sense to even talk to any of his family members. At this point, he feels that no one will understand. If he confesses his feelings to him, Adam might not take it seriously. Adam will continue to hurt, thinking that Kris will eventually come to his senses and return to his wife. But for him to prove his feelings are genuine, he would need to break the news to Katy. She will be very hurt and Kris had once vowed never to hurt her but to protect her.
He can no longer protect her. He longed for Adam’s presence. He felt sick and dizzy, he felt like choking, like as if he had meatballs being shoved down his throat! Kris ran to the nearest washroom that he managed to reach, wrapped his hands around the toilet seat and vomited everything he ate. At a distance, he could hear the sound of the television, which he had left on since forever. Piercing through his ears, the reporter said, “Adam’s fans are still crying foul over the American Idol voting results. Many think that Kris Allen does not deserve to beat Danny Gokey, let alone winning the title......”
That announcement is the last thing Kris needs to hear. He is still seated on the cold tiles of his washroom and he wonders what had he done to deserve all these.
Without thinking, he suddenly felt the need to let it all out. He went out to his room, picked up his mobile and started texting Katy. It was short but he knows the message was clear. He knows Katy will be very hurt but it will be a quick kill and hopefully, she will move on and find a better person who deserves her love. Kris did not expect her to reply or call immediately, as she is currently engaged in a church camp in Jamaica.
At this point, his guilt level had reached an all time high. Again, he felt sick to the stomach but there is nothing for him to throw up anymore. He felt the urge to call Adam and without thinking, he pressed dial on Adam’s contact. In a split second after hearing Adam’s voice, Kris cut the call. As much as he wanted to hear his comforting voice, he is just too distressed to think clearly. He doesn’t know what he wanted to do. He just felt disorientated. His head is pounding and the headache he had been suffering for days has become so bad, he felt nothing but numbness.
Kris picked himself up and headed to the kitchen. His was head was pounding hard and he couldn’t even walk straight. The whole room felt like it was spinning around him. When Kris got to the kitchen, he didn’t know what his intention was to go in there. Then, the bottle of whiskey in one of the cabinets caught his eyes and he grabbed it instantly. He was gulping down the hard liquor like water. His headache has reached to the worst level, the liquor felt like heaven to his body in taking away the pain.
As he stood on the kitchen floor, he thought to himself, he can’t go through another day having to deal with all the guilt. The clock is ticking and soon, it will be morning and he would have to wake up to another day of pain. He just couldn’t do it all over again. He didn’t want to hear Katy’s voice, he was afraid to hear or catch a hint of Adam and he certainly didn’t want to deal with every single reporters & news telling him he didn’t deserve to win Idol.
Kris stood up, calmly walked to the medication cabinet and took out a bunch of pills from various bottles.
………………………………………………………………………………
“HELLO?” yelled Adam. “God damn it Kris, you called and you lay off without speaking a word?” yelled Adam again. Allison and Matt were dining with Adam in a famous Chinese restaurant joint in L.A.
Adam felt uneasy after the call from Kris. He knows that Kris had been looking a little down this past week but when he and the rest probe him further, he never reveal anything. Kris will just brush it off by saying he is tired, burnt out and just generally missing home. However, Adam feels there is more. It broke his heart to somehow feel that Kris is sobbing internally and yet, trying hard everyday to put on a smile for the other idols, the crew and the media. As much as Adam wanted to offer his heart to listen to Kris’s problems and as much as he wanted to offer to hold him tight just to take away all his insecurities, Adam knew he can’t allow himself to do that. He didn’t want to scare Kris away and he might just lose a very precious friend. His heart wrenched…..he wanted them to be more than friends but he knows that is not possible.
Adam felt guilty for thinking beyond friendship between him and Kris. He knows at this point, he shouldn’t be thinking about that because Kris is clearly been disturbed by other problems. Adam is well aware of the outcry by some of his fans and the media when Kris won the title. The media has been shredding Kris to pieces since he was announced the winner. Really, fuck them…Adam thought to himself. He adores Kris to death and he knows, as well as the other contestants and the crew, that Kris is talented and gifted. Kris is like magic when it comes to music and songwriting and Adam really felt the emotions in all his performances. He really felt the urge to yell at the media and let them know that Kris is amazing and that people doesn’t get to see that because Kris is so humble. Kris had once told Adam that there is no need to explain to the public. He knew deep down who he is and he doesn’t think there is any need to explain himself. Adam wanted to so much to hug and kiss Kris all over when he heard him saying that. To Adam, Kris is just so pure and beautiful.
Adam felt a sudden jolt and sickening feeling in his stomach. He stood up so fast; it gave Allison and Matt a shock. “I think I want to drop by Kris’s house now. I don’t know why but I feel something is not right. He doesn’t usually call and then hang up without saying a word. You guys can continue and I’ll catch you guys later” said Adam in a very hastily manner. However, both Allison and Matt stood up, disagreed with his proposition and offered to go with him to check on Kris. So, three of them drove to Kris’s house, just a 10 minutes drive up the hills.
…………………………………………………………………………………………
Upon reaching Kris’s house, Adam felt uneasy. The house was dark and there were no lights except from the tiny shades coming from the kitchen window. Adam spotted Kris’s car and knew he is at home. The gate was unlocked and so, they entered the front porch. However, the front door was locked. Adam took out his mobile and dialed Kris’s number, while Matt went peering through the kitchen window.
“Kris, pick up the phone now.....pick it up baby! Just pick it up and tell me you are okay,” Adam mumbling to himself. Allison started to panned around, looking panic. Suddenly, Matt yelled, “Oh my god, Adam……over here! You just called Kris, right. I can see his mobile lighting up on the kitchen floor…over there. There, take a look,” Matt pointing while stepping away to let Adam peep through. Adam dialed Kris’s number again and indeed, the mobile light started shining like a blinding blue star in a dark sky. However, they can’t see Kris.
Adam started feeling sick and felt his intestines all twitching up inside his body. He yelled at Allison to call emergency while he pulled Matt over to the garage. Without thinking, both of them took the spades lying outside of the garage, went back to the kitchen window and started smashing the windows. The sound was piercing high and they were quite sure to have alerted some close by neighbors. But Adam didn’t give a damn. He felt himself fighting back tears which he didn’t even know why. He just felt something bad is happening to Kris and while he kept assuring himself, everything is going to be fine and that tomorrow, they will be gathering and continue to do their usual rounds of rehearsals and interviews, he felt a sickening feeling that he might be losing Kris.
When they managed to break the window free, Adam quickly climbed up the window shield and jump inside the kitchen floor. He is quite familiar with the house and he ran straight to the switches and on the lights. While trying to get his focus around while adjusting to the blinding lights, he spotted something lying behind the island counter and his heart stopped.
It was Kris. His small frame sprawled wide on the kitchen tiles, pale like a white sheet of paper. Adam pull himself together, kneeled down next to Kris lifeless body and shook him violently. Matt, standing above them, was shocked beyond words. He scrambled out of the kitchen to find Allison and to get help.
“Kris, wake up baby! Come on now….youuu..you should be sleeping on the bed, not here you silly boy!”. Adam will not let go and he tried his very best to pick up Kris. However, Kris’s dead weight felt like tones of steel and Adam couldn’t manage to pick him up. Adam yelled, “COME ON, YOU BASTARD! WAKE UP…….DON’T YOU DARE. DON’T YOU DARE KRIS? Argghhhhhh….wake up baby! I can’t live without you……..NO I CAN’T” Adam continued to yell. He was still shaking Kris lifeless body violently and started slapping his face, “You are so selfish….how could you be so heartless!!?”
Flashes of blue and red lights can be seen outside of the house entrance. Adam was still clutching Kris close to his chest when the paramedics came in. Matt and Allison tried to pull Adam away but he refused to let go. “LET HIM GO ADAM, the doctors will take it from here….” said a very helpless Allison, whose face makeup was smudged with all the sweat and tears on her face! Adam let slip of Kris’s cold hands and watch the paramedics stretched him away into the ambulance.
Adam sat motionless on the kitchen floor and mumbled, “Are we losing him?” Allison hugged Adam on that instant and cried. Three of them stayed in the kitchen for a while, which felt like years!
……………………………………………………………………………………………
Everyone was waiting outside of the operation room down the hall. Kris has been wheeled in to the OR for about an hour since coming out of the ER. Adam, Allison and Matt have managed to make their way to the hospital after leaving Kris’s house. They had difficulty in leaving as the police wanted some questioning done. However, 19E lawyers came to their rescue and they were excused for the night.
Adam could not feel his body. He felt numb and even more so when Kris was wheeled out of the ER, with all sorts of tubes connected to his small body.
All of the idols were gathered in the hall, waiting. However, Kris’s family is still on the way, being flown in by private jet from Arkansas, which Kris’s management has arranged. Katy was unreachable when Allison tried her mobile. She continues to try but still no connection.
…………………………………………………………………………………………….
Hours passed and still waiting.
Katy was not reachable still.
Kris’s parents and brother, Daniel has all arrived. Sobbing and stunned.
Adam’s parents were present too. Adam is being sandwiched by his mum and dad. They held him tightly, knowing that he is very emotional at that point because he and Kris are very close friends.
Waiting…………waiting………….