Fic: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest (2/?)
Title: Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13.
Beta: Thank you
cpt_untouchable - :) *squishes*
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which you can find HERE
Notes: Hi :) This would have been up last night but I went out and then ... ahem... fell asleep lol how very rock and roll of me. Thank you for the comments on the first chapter, I literally want to bake each and everyone of you a Kradam cookie but I'd probably just eat them all so you know lol. I guess this is a bit of a filler chapter, but I feel like the story needed it just to set the scene if you will ;) so I hope you enjoy. *huggles you all*
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Two: Said It All
The past week had been unproductive, to say the least. Adam had hours of studio time but that didn't mean he felt inspired enough to actually do anything with it. So, most of the time he had sat alone with his fingers gently hovering above the keys on the piano. Never any sound and absolutely no inspiration. His mind felt cloudy and when he tried to focus on something, a melody, a string of lyrics, nothing fell into place. Days filled with nothing flew by.
He knew why, of course. Ever since Matt had told him, in his half drunken state, that Kris was going to be at the wedding, he seemed unable to think about anything else. It shouldn't have bothered him so much. He had seen Kris before over the years, from afar. They never met each other’s eyes and they never acknowledged each other’s presence. That had been Kris's promise and he had kept it perfectly all these years.
But something about this felt different. He suspected Megan and Anoop had ulterior motives. All of them were going to be locked away together in the middle of nowhere for two weeks. He had listened as Megan excitedly explained to him over the phone that she and Anoop had fallen in love because of this group, so it was only right that the group should celebrate with them. So, one week before the families arrived, they were all being dragged to god knew where to relive the happy days. Except Adam could feel nothing but dread. He knew he had so much to be grateful for -- that he wouldn't be where he was without that time in his life -- but the memories were tainted for him.
Everyone else could look back and think of them all together laughing and smiling, singing and dancing; but all Adam could see when he looked back was Kris - and over time, all of the good memories he had of Kris seemed to have faded. He remembered clearly every rejection, every time his heart broke, as if it was happening all over again. No reunion was going to heal that. In fact, he was pretty sure it would only make things worse.
The problem was that he had absolutely no excuse to bail. Even if he tried to create one it would be blatantly, embarrassingly obvious why he didn't want to go. Plus, he really couldn't miss it because this was Anoop and Megan getting married and he'd really have to be the biggest ass to let his own fucking issues get in the way of being there to celebrate with his friends.
So, here he was driving along the cool breeze in his face welcome through the heat, Danny in the passenger seat singing along quietly to some country radio station he had managed to find. Adam shook his head and stared out the windshield. He wondered sometimes how he and Danny had managed to maintain their friendship, considering they literally disagreed on everything. Maybe it was the compromise they seemed to find on most things. Danny had been listening to his music for five songs, and Adam only had to endure five more before it was his turn with the music.
He hoped that Danny was still navigating because Adam literally had no idea where he was going and he was prone to getting lost in unfamiliar places. He glanced quickly at Danny who was still caught up in the song and nudged him.
“You better be following that map, Gokey...”
“What?”
The map that had been sitting in Danny's lap fell to the floor and Danny scrambled to pick it up before sitting back guiltily in his seat.
“You shouldn't listen to this crap when you’re giving directions, you always get distracted! Damnit, Danny...”
Danny huffed loudly. “Well maybe if you could figure out directions for yourself I wouldn’t need to have this damn map.”
“We'd still need the map. We've never been to this place before, you ass.”
Danny was smoothing the map out with his hands, looking down trying to find exactly where they were. “It would have been easier if you had just let me drive...” he mumbled under his breath, but loudly enough for Adam to hear.
“Considering we needed to get there today I didn't think that was the best idea.”
“There's nothing wrong with being a careful driver, Adam...”
“There's careful and then there’s you.”
Adam heard Danny mumble something else but it wasn't clear enough for him to understand. He really wanted to ask Danny where they needed to head next but he knew he had pissed him off and that it would be at least ten minutes before he talked again. So he carried on in silence while the songs changed and Adam found himself counting down each one until it was his turn to be in charge of the music.
The last song had barely finished before Adam was flicking through stations and settling on one that seemed promising. He glanced across at Danny who was rolling his eyes and looking out his window. Adam let out a laugh and hit Danny on the arm lightly.
“Come on, Gokey... enough of the silence. You know I hate quiet road trips, and besides we still have all those car games you wanted to play...” Heavy sarcasm filled Adam' voice and he laughed again after hearing a slight huff from Danny.
“I think there --” Danny broke off as the song filling the car changed to a soft slow melody. Before the artist had even started singing Adam knew who it was. Then Kris's voice was filling the car, singing of love and broken hearts and Adam didn't even let it get to the chorus before turning the radio off.
It wasn't like he had never heard the voice before, but it had been so long since he had let himself sit and listen to any of it. He still had twenty copies of Kris's album sitting in a pile at home, all of them unplayed. Every now and then he'd walk by a music store, see the poster for Kris's album in the window, and go in and buy it knowing full well it would end up in the same place as the rest of them. It was a stupid, pointless routine and still he continued to do it.
Tension flooded the car. He could literally feel the worry radiating from Danny, and could really do without that. Danny was far too receptive to knowing when Adam was drifting off into a Kris Allen trance. He seemed to pick them up from a mile away. It would be bad enough having to see Kris every day for the next two weeks, let alone having Danny following him around making sure he was okay.
“Adam...”
“Don't fucking start, Danny. I can't deal with that, okay?”
“Oh I know you can't, but at some point you are going to have to deal with it, you know that?”
“There's nothing to deal with. This whole thing is going to be exactly the same as every other time I've seen Kris over the past few years. I'll look at him, he'll look at me and then we'll both walk in opposite directions. We've got it all perfectly played out now.”
Danny shook his head. “I don't mean that. I've seen how he’s been with you over the years and I know that he isn't even going to attempt to talk to you. And while that pisses me off, it’s not what I'm talking about.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“I want you to be happy, Adam.”
Adam sighed heavily and looked at his chipped nails as he tapped them against the steering wheel. “I am. These past few years have been some of the best of my life. All the things I've gotten to do...”
Danny nodded. “I know, I know. But you're not the same, you know? Not exactly the same as you used to be. It's small and subtle but you’re different, and you and I both know why.”
“I really don't. Please, enlighten me.”
Danny turned his head to look out the window and there was a long pause before he spoke again. Adam had been blunt and dismissive. He knew Danny was just trying to help, that literally everything the guy did was to help, and he did appreciate it -- but there were just some things that he was never going to understand, and Adam really wished that he wouldn't try.
It was easy for Danny to throw all his anger at Kris. He had watched as Danny and Matt had grown further away from him. They seemed to blame him for everything, despite Adam protesting that there was no reason for them not to be friends with Kris. They seemed determined to stand by Adam, and he had to admit he liked knowing that he had two people who were sticking by him. But it didn't change the fact that this wasn't Danny’s or Matt's problem. It wasn't their hearts that had been broken, and for that reason alone there was no way either of them was ever going to fully understand how Adam felt.
“I just thought you would have gotten over it, by now.”
Adam knew there was truth in Danny's words, perhaps he should have been over this by now and he wanted to tell him that he was over it, that time had healed everything; but, that would be a lie and there was no use in lying to Danny. Even if he accepted it he'd still see right through it.
Adam shrugged slightly “I think there are certain things that you don't ever get over.”
Adam knew Danny would find no response to that, because they both knew it was true. They had experienced that truth in completely different situations, but it was still true and they remained quiet for most of the journey after that.
Danny only spoke as they grew nearer to their destination, mumbling directions. It was confusing, twisting and turning down narrow roads, with nothing to see but wide open fields. It seemed completely bizarre that Anoop and Megan would pick somewhere like this to get married. Adam was fairly sure he had never felt so isolated in his entire life, but Danny seemed comfortable and happy, his hand stretched out the window catching the breeze.
Then the house came into view and suddenly Adam knew why they had picked it. It was beautiful, secluded and completely perfect for what they needed. The large white house seemed to be out of place in its surroundings. It was almost as if someone had plucked it out of a suburban area and dropped it smack bang in the middle of nowhere. But for Adam, that only made it more perfect, the way it was so out of place and at the same time so completely where it should be.
He could see a couple of cars outside as they drove closer to the house, and immediately recognised Matt's. Why Matt had insisted he drive here on his own instead of coming with him and Danny was beyond Adam --but then Adam remembered how Matt felt about getting in a car with them, and he was fairly sure he remembered Matt saying once that he couldn't stand the bickering.
There was no one out front when they stopped the car and all Adam wanted to do was run into the house and investigate every single room. He saw that decking encircled the entire house with a few steps leading up to it and he was happy that he had somewhere to hide if he needed it. He was the night owl of the group, so at least when he couldn't sleep he could sit out there and listen to music until sleep finally called him.
He was actually starting to look forward to the two weeks here, and stepped out of the car just as another pulled up behind his. Danny was already pulling their cases out of the trunk. Well, Danny's one case and Adam's two. He laughed as Danny struggled with the larger suitcase.
“You know, you could give me a hand...”
“Why would he do that, Gokey? You're the one that needs to get in shape...” He heard Allison's excited voice before he saw her and then she was running up to Danny's side, giggling and poking him in the stomach. Danny couldn't help but laugh, of course, because Allison was just infectious that way. Her bright personality and laugh always managed to get Adam smiling in spite of himself. But then the driver’s side door of her car was opening and he knew before he even saw the person’s face who was getting out.
It would have made things a hell of a lot easier for Adam if Kris didn't look so fucking perfect every time he saw him. It had been a few months since the last time, a premier for some forgettable romantic comedy, and he and Katy had both been there, the picture of fucking perfection. Kris had been dressed in a suit, looking beautiful and completely uncomfortable. He had seen him tug at the jacket and adjust his tie a million times. Perhaps he’d watched Kris too closely that night, but Adam had felt like there was just something off.
He could still see it now. Even though Kris was more in his comfort zone in baggy, ripped jeans and a plain white t-shirt, there was still something different about him, some kind of discomfort. Maybe Kris hated the fact that he had to be in such close proximity to Adam. Maybe he was worried that his perfect little plan of completely cutting Adam out of his life was about to take a serious detour.
Kris’s hair was longer than Adam had ever seen it. It fell across his forehead, nearly covered his eyes, and Kris brushed it off his face. He knew he was staring, he knew he was waiting for that moment when Kris would look up and their eyes would meet, even though he knew better. He had been waiting for years now.
He could hear Danny and Allison chatting excitedly and he tried to avert his gaze from Kris, but as usual his brain wasn't co-operating. His eyes followed Kris as he pulled suitcases from the car and then turned to look in Allison's direction. He seemed to almost step forward when something stopped him and he looked up. Finally, finally he was looking at Adam.
Adam could barely read Kris's expression but every single silence that had passed between them and every angry word and broken promise was suddenly back in full force. Adam knew Kris could read it in his face, and it was as if they were back in Adam's old crappy apartment, Kris's hand hovering over the set of keys, the balance of the moment before everything toppled over. He could hear the sound of the keys crashing against the counter and the door shutting as Kris walked away.
He thought he saw Kris move forward and then stop, as if fighting an urge to break the distance between them. But Adam knew better. He had seen the struggle in Kris before and they both knew Kris wasn't strong enough to be that person. He had made that perfectly clear a long time ago.
Adam broke the gaze before Kris could, and turned his attention to Allison and Danny, eagerly joining in the conversation -- perhaps too much, maybe trying to prove some kind of point. He was sure he could still feel Kris’s eyes on him as they spoke. The only thing pulling them away was the sound of Anoop yelling at them all from the doorway of the house.
Adam fell behind the others as they moved into the house, glancing back at the car, wondering if a quick get away was plausible. When he turned back to the house everyone was inside except for Kris who stood motionless, staring at him from the doorway. It was brief and fleeting and Adam knew he was being weak, but he also knew he was going nowhere.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: PG-13.
Beta: Thank you
cpt_untouchable - :) *squishes*
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Summary: You can convince yourself time has healed, but the scars still show. Sequel to If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It. Which you can find HERE
Notes: Hi :) This would have been up last night but I went out and then ... ahem... fell asleep lol how very rock and roll of me. Thank you for the comments on the first chapter, I literally want to bake each and everyone of you a Kradam cookie but I'd probably just eat them all so you know lol. I guess this is a bit of a filler chapter, but I feel like the story needed it just to set the scene if you will ;) so I hope you enjoy. *huggles you all*
Beat Your Love Out Of My Chest
Chapter Two: Said It All
The past week had been unproductive, to say the least. Adam had hours of studio time but that didn't mean he felt inspired enough to actually do anything with it. So, most of the time he had sat alone with his fingers gently hovering above the keys on the piano. Never any sound and absolutely no inspiration. His mind felt cloudy and when he tried to focus on something, a melody, a string of lyrics, nothing fell into place. Days filled with nothing flew by.
He knew why, of course. Ever since Matt had told him, in his half drunken state, that Kris was going to be at the wedding, he seemed unable to think about anything else. It shouldn't have bothered him so much. He had seen Kris before over the years, from afar. They never met each other’s eyes and they never acknowledged each other’s presence. That had been Kris's promise and he had kept it perfectly all these years.
But something about this felt different. He suspected Megan and Anoop had ulterior motives. All of them were going to be locked away together in the middle of nowhere for two weeks. He had listened as Megan excitedly explained to him over the phone that she and Anoop had fallen in love because of this group, so it was only right that the group should celebrate with them. So, one week before the families arrived, they were all being dragged to god knew where to relive the happy days. Except Adam could feel nothing but dread. He knew he had so much to be grateful for -- that he wouldn't be where he was without that time in his life -- but the memories were tainted for him.
Everyone else could look back and think of them all together laughing and smiling, singing and dancing; but all Adam could see when he looked back was Kris - and over time, all of the good memories he had of Kris seemed to have faded. He remembered clearly every rejection, every time his heart broke, as if it was happening all over again. No reunion was going to heal that. In fact, he was pretty sure it would only make things worse.
The problem was that he had absolutely no excuse to bail. Even if he tried to create one it would be blatantly, embarrassingly obvious why he didn't want to go. Plus, he really couldn't miss it because this was Anoop and Megan getting married and he'd really have to be the biggest ass to let his own fucking issues get in the way of being there to celebrate with his friends.
So, here he was driving along the cool breeze in his face welcome through the heat, Danny in the passenger seat singing along quietly to some country radio station he had managed to find. Adam shook his head and stared out the windshield. He wondered sometimes how he and Danny had managed to maintain their friendship, considering they literally disagreed on everything. Maybe it was the compromise they seemed to find on most things. Danny had been listening to his music for five songs, and Adam only had to endure five more before it was his turn with the music.
He hoped that Danny was still navigating because Adam literally had no idea where he was going and he was prone to getting lost in unfamiliar places. He glanced quickly at Danny who was still caught up in the song and nudged him.
“You better be following that map, Gokey...”
“What?”
The map that had been sitting in Danny's lap fell to the floor and Danny scrambled to pick it up before sitting back guiltily in his seat.
“You shouldn't listen to this crap when you’re giving directions, you always get distracted! Damnit, Danny...”
Danny huffed loudly. “Well maybe if you could figure out directions for yourself I wouldn’t need to have this damn map.”
“We'd still need the map. We've never been to this place before, you ass.”
Danny was smoothing the map out with his hands, looking down trying to find exactly where they were. “It would have been easier if you had just let me drive...” he mumbled under his breath, but loudly enough for Adam to hear.
“Considering we needed to get there today I didn't think that was the best idea.”
“There's nothing wrong with being a careful driver, Adam...”
“There's careful and then there’s you.”
Adam heard Danny mumble something else but it wasn't clear enough for him to understand. He really wanted to ask Danny where they needed to head next but he knew he had pissed him off and that it would be at least ten minutes before he talked again. So he carried on in silence while the songs changed and Adam found himself counting down each one until it was his turn to be in charge of the music.
The last song had barely finished before Adam was flicking through stations and settling on one that seemed promising. He glanced across at Danny who was rolling his eyes and looking out his window. Adam let out a laugh and hit Danny on the arm lightly.
“Come on, Gokey... enough of the silence. You know I hate quiet road trips, and besides we still have all those car games you wanted to play...” Heavy sarcasm filled Adam' voice and he laughed again after hearing a slight huff from Danny.
“I think there --” Danny broke off as the song filling the car changed to a soft slow melody. Before the artist had even started singing Adam knew who it was. Then Kris's voice was filling the car, singing of love and broken hearts and Adam didn't even let it get to the chorus before turning the radio off.
It wasn't like he had never heard the voice before, but it had been so long since he had let himself sit and listen to any of it. He still had twenty copies of Kris's album sitting in a pile at home, all of them unplayed. Every now and then he'd walk by a music store, see the poster for Kris's album in the window, and go in and buy it knowing full well it would end up in the same place as the rest of them. It was a stupid, pointless routine and still he continued to do it.
Tension flooded the car. He could literally feel the worry radiating from Danny, and could really do without that. Danny was far too receptive to knowing when Adam was drifting off into a Kris Allen trance. He seemed to pick them up from a mile away. It would be bad enough having to see Kris every day for the next two weeks, let alone having Danny following him around making sure he was okay.
“Adam...”
“Don't fucking start, Danny. I can't deal with that, okay?”
“Oh I know you can't, but at some point you are going to have to deal with it, you know that?”
“There's nothing to deal with. This whole thing is going to be exactly the same as every other time I've seen Kris over the past few years. I'll look at him, he'll look at me and then we'll both walk in opposite directions. We've got it all perfectly played out now.”
Danny shook his head. “I don't mean that. I've seen how he’s been with you over the years and I know that he isn't even going to attempt to talk to you. And while that pisses me off, it’s not what I'm talking about.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
“I want you to be happy, Adam.”
Adam sighed heavily and looked at his chipped nails as he tapped them against the steering wheel. “I am. These past few years have been some of the best of my life. All the things I've gotten to do...”
Danny nodded. “I know, I know. But you're not the same, you know? Not exactly the same as you used to be. It's small and subtle but you’re different, and you and I both know why.”
“I really don't. Please, enlighten me.”
Danny turned his head to look out the window and there was a long pause before he spoke again. Adam had been blunt and dismissive. He knew Danny was just trying to help, that literally everything the guy did was to help, and he did appreciate it -- but there were just some things that he was never going to understand, and Adam really wished that he wouldn't try.
It was easy for Danny to throw all his anger at Kris. He had watched as Danny and Matt had grown further away from him. They seemed to blame him for everything, despite Adam protesting that there was no reason for them not to be friends with Kris. They seemed determined to stand by Adam, and he had to admit he liked knowing that he had two people who were sticking by him. But it didn't change the fact that this wasn't Danny’s or Matt's problem. It wasn't their hearts that had been broken, and for that reason alone there was no way either of them was ever going to fully understand how Adam felt.
“I just thought you would have gotten over it, by now.”
Adam knew there was truth in Danny's words, perhaps he should have been over this by now and he wanted to tell him that he was over it, that time had healed everything; but, that would be a lie and there was no use in lying to Danny. Even if he accepted it he'd still see right through it.
Adam shrugged slightly “I think there are certain things that you don't ever get over.”
Adam knew Danny would find no response to that, because they both knew it was true. They had experienced that truth in completely different situations, but it was still true and they remained quiet for most of the journey after that.
Danny only spoke as they grew nearer to their destination, mumbling directions. It was confusing, twisting and turning down narrow roads, with nothing to see but wide open fields. It seemed completely bizarre that Anoop and Megan would pick somewhere like this to get married. Adam was fairly sure he had never felt so isolated in his entire life, but Danny seemed comfortable and happy, his hand stretched out the window catching the breeze.
Then the house came into view and suddenly Adam knew why they had picked it. It was beautiful, secluded and completely perfect for what they needed. The large white house seemed to be out of place in its surroundings. It was almost as if someone had plucked it out of a suburban area and dropped it smack bang in the middle of nowhere. But for Adam, that only made it more perfect, the way it was so out of place and at the same time so completely where it should be.
He could see a couple of cars outside as they drove closer to the house, and immediately recognised Matt's. Why Matt had insisted he drive here on his own instead of coming with him and Danny was beyond Adam --but then Adam remembered how Matt felt about getting in a car with them, and he was fairly sure he remembered Matt saying once that he couldn't stand the bickering.
There was no one out front when they stopped the car and all Adam wanted to do was run into the house and investigate every single room. He saw that decking encircled the entire house with a few steps leading up to it and he was happy that he had somewhere to hide if he needed it. He was the night owl of the group, so at least when he couldn't sleep he could sit out there and listen to music until sleep finally called him.
He was actually starting to look forward to the two weeks here, and stepped out of the car just as another pulled up behind his. Danny was already pulling their cases out of the trunk. Well, Danny's one case and Adam's two. He laughed as Danny struggled with the larger suitcase.
“You know, you could give me a hand...”
“Why would he do that, Gokey? You're the one that needs to get in shape...” He heard Allison's excited voice before he saw her and then she was running up to Danny's side, giggling and poking him in the stomach. Danny couldn't help but laugh, of course, because Allison was just infectious that way. Her bright personality and laugh always managed to get Adam smiling in spite of himself. But then the driver’s side door of her car was opening and he knew before he even saw the person’s face who was getting out.
It would have made things a hell of a lot easier for Adam if Kris didn't look so fucking perfect every time he saw him. It had been a few months since the last time, a premier for some forgettable romantic comedy, and he and Katy had both been there, the picture of fucking perfection. Kris had been dressed in a suit, looking beautiful and completely uncomfortable. He had seen him tug at the jacket and adjust his tie a million times. Perhaps he’d watched Kris too closely that night, but Adam had felt like there was just something off.
He could still see it now. Even though Kris was more in his comfort zone in baggy, ripped jeans and a plain white t-shirt, there was still something different about him, some kind of discomfort. Maybe Kris hated the fact that he had to be in such close proximity to Adam. Maybe he was worried that his perfect little plan of completely cutting Adam out of his life was about to take a serious detour.
Kris’s hair was longer than Adam had ever seen it. It fell across his forehead, nearly covered his eyes, and Kris brushed it off his face. He knew he was staring, he knew he was waiting for that moment when Kris would look up and their eyes would meet, even though he knew better. He had been waiting for years now.
He could hear Danny and Allison chatting excitedly and he tried to avert his gaze from Kris, but as usual his brain wasn't co-operating. His eyes followed Kris as he pulled suitcases from the car and then turned to look in Allison's direction. He seemed to almost step forward when something stopped him and he looked up. Finally, finally he was looking at Adam.
Adam could barely read Kris's expression but every single silence that had passed between them and every angry word and broken promise was suddenly back in full force. Adam knew Kris could read it in his face, and it was as if they were back in Adam's old crappy apartment, Kris's hand hovering over the set of keys, the balance of the moment before everything toppled over. He could hear the sound of the keys crashing against the counter and the door shutting as Kris walked away.
He thought he saw Kris move forward and then stop, as if fighting an urge to break the distance between them. But Adam knew better. He had seen the struggle in Kris before and they both knew Kris wasn't strong enough to be that person. He had made that perfectly clear a long time ago.
Adam broke the gaze before Kris could, and turned his attention to Allison and Danny, eagerly joining in the conversation -- perhaps too much, maybe trying to prove some kind of point. He was sure he could still feel Kris’s eyes on him as they spoke. The only thing pulling them away was the sound of Anoop yelling at them all from the doorway of the house.
Adam fell behind the others as they moved into the house, glancing back at the car, wondering if a quick get away was plausible. When he turned back to the house everyone was inside except for Kris who stood motionless, staring at him from the doorway. It was brief and fleeting and Adam knew he was being weak, but he also knew he was going nowhere.