Blind: Chapter 1
Adam Lambert felt stymied. He hated that. He felt that life was too short to waste energy on being frustrated. He liked to get along with people and have a good time, embrace the energies of as many positive people as possible. What he hated most was negative energy.
He sighed and propped one of his heavy leather boots on the counter in front of him, seated in a black director's chair in front of the lighted mirror in his dressing room. He looked deep into his eyes and saw the weariness. He had been on tour for three months, following the massive success of his second album. Every day since his audition for American Idol in San Francisco in 2008 had been more and more challenging, and the pace wasn't letting up. Adam saw all of life as some type of performance, and he loved to perform. Life was a show, and it was a whole lot better with razzle-dazzle and nail polish than it was with cheap sets and shabby costumes. He loved what he did, but there were times when he missed the cozy feeling of his days of riding very slightly under the radar. He couldn't do anything now without being spotted by some crazed paparazzo trying to get a picture of him buying a magazine, and everything he did and said was broken down on the internet every single day by endless fan websites. He was gossip column fodder, and everyone was trying to figure out who the new man in his life was. He was tired of dodging the issue, because the sad truth was that there was no new man in his life. He kept the media off guard by never shying away from going out places with a handful of the cute and charming men that he saw off and on, but none of them was looking for what he was looking for: a partner. He was Adam Lambert, beloved by so many adoring fans, but he couldn't find the one he was looking for. He could never find one that lived up to him.
As Adam gazed at his reflection, his mind was taken back to his American Idol journey, as it frequently was when he was feeling down. He saw bits and pieces of all the days, all the memories of his face along the way. He was there at every moment, always there to help ground Adam. He had been his someone to laugh with, someone to share fear with, someone to spend time with. The night Kris Allen was crowned the winner was heart stopping for Adam, because along the way, Adam had fallen in love with him, and he truly did want him to win. Adam knew that Adam had talent and that just getting to the finals would be enough to catapult his career, so he was happy to have Kris receive the title. He had deserved it, and it had made him happy and all Adam Lambert ever wanted was for Kris Allen to be happy. That's how strong his feelings were for him. The tour had been fun, but it had also been like a slow form of Chinese water torture. Every day that went by was a day that he got to spend with Kris, but every day brought him one day closer to the time that he was going to have to say goodbye to him. Adam knew they'd stay friends, but he knew there would never be another time when they would get to be together so exclusively and as privately as on Idol.
Which is a good thing, he thought to himself. If he had to live everyday with the temptation of wanting Kris so badly, he would surely have gone insane by now. The distance helped. The business, the up at dawn, bed at midnight life-style helped. The distraction of the steady stream of cute guys and great lovers helped. But nothing could change the fact that Adam had to live everyday with the knowledge that the man he loved was married to a woman.
He was very sensitive to the feelings of others and he had an uncanny knack for knowing things about people that they hadn't even realized they felt. Being an artist, he was extremely acute, and the fact that he was so good at what he did gave him an even clearer understanding of his motivations and the energy around others. There had been definite moments when he was sure he saw something in Kris that said he understood, too, the profound impact they were having on each other's lives. Adam was confused about what that meant. If it weren't for all the times that he was sure Kris was feeling what he felt too, Adam would have just left the subject alone. After all, the guy said he was straight, and he was married to a perfectly little adorable woman, and Adam had much more sense than to fall for something he couldn't have. But all Kris had to do was turn his eyes, those calm, warm, sexy eyes to him, let them linger a second or two too long, and Adam was sure Kris was sending him a message with those eyes. Those eyes, oh those eyes. Adam closed his as if afraid he would see their reflection in the mirror in front of him.
He sighed again and raised his eyebrows, eyes still closed. He exhaled through his nostrils and tried to clear his thoughts. He still had a million things he had to do before he could get back on the bus for the night. The show had only ended for the evening; he was still in his costume. He ran the tip of his ring finger under his eyes to wipe away the smudge of eyeliner that had gathered there due to his sweat during the show. He rifled a hand through the mane of black and electric blue on top of his head and stood. He knew what was coming was not going to be easy. That's why he was so weary, so tired, that's why he’d allowed his thoughts to turn back to Kris. 'I'm just tired' he told himself. Normally he was very good at keeping his feelings for Kris at bay. Maybe he sensed Kris now because he had to have one of the hardest talks he'd ever had with someone from their Idol family. Allison.
Allison Iraheta was one of those rare female forces that just sweeps you up and takes you in. He had known by the first day in Hollywood that they would be close. They had the same kind of creative energy surrounding them, they both liked to think a little outside the box. The liked to push edges, they liked to feel dangerous. He felt like a big brother to her because he knew that being a little different, she would need someone to look to, someone to help ease her out of herself. She was so young when he met her, just barely 17, maybe not even. He wanted to make sure that she expressed herself, but that she didn't let that creative edge take her too far, like he'd seen so many in the past. Allison was rock goddess material, and that kind of force can drive a woman to do crazy things. Janis Joplin was a case and point. Adam just did not want to see her go down that road. Since the mad success of his first album, he had been able to pull some strings and get Allison on tour with him as one of his opening acts. The people at 19 loved it, two Idols on tour. Adam had enjoyed instant, overnight stardom, but Allison had not done poorly with her career, either. The fact that she was opening for him was not a comment on how shabby Allison's career was, but rather on how great Adam's was, considering that someone as successful as Allison Iraheta would open for him.
He had thought the tour would be a blast, with the two of them thick as thieves again. He was surprised sparks didn't fly sometimes when they were together. The power of their creativity feeding off each other was intoxicating. They had co-written two songs on Allison's new album, which she was getting ready start recording once the tour was over. At first everything had been Ok, and then, the man she was involved with, Rhys, had hooked up with them at an early stop. Adam didn't see Allison the rest of the night. He thought it was strange, he didn't know why the guy had to have her all to himself. Adam being Adam, he had sensed that something was not quite right with the guy. Allison was different when she spoke of him, more subdued. He had felt the life drain out of her a little when she talked about him, what little she did speak of him. He had seen so many friends through dysfunctional relationships, and he knew the tell tale signs of one. After that night, the boyfriend came to a few more stops, but Adam still hadn’t had a real conversation with the guy. It was like he was avoiding him. As if he had something to hide. Adam didn't like him at all. Rhys had been on his most recent trip out with them just this week. He was heading out tonight after the show because the tour was leaving for a new stop.
The night before, Adam had been backstage when Allison had come off stage. She had been energized, her funny, funky, beautiful face lit up with adrenaline and her pink and purple-spiked hair bouncing with her movement. Her boyfriend had immediately met her and pulled her away toward her dressing room. She had thrown a bewildered, almost frightened look over her shoulder at Adam. In that instant he knew that she was calling out to him as surely as if she had cried out. She may not have known it, but she wanted to be saved from the guy. Adam knew that she would resist what he had to say, and that it might put a crack in their wonderful friendship. The weight of that possibility heaved heavy on Adam's shoulders, and caused him to sigh wearily again.
He hoped he could still catch her in her dressing room and not back on the bus already. He didn't want to have this conversation in front of anyone else.
As he neared her dressing room, suddenly the door popped open with such force that it ricocheted off the wall and came back around to almost hit Rhys in the face as he stormed out.
"Rhys!" came Allison's broken cry from inside the room. He heard the sound of her sobs through the still cracked door.
Adam put a toe to the edge of the door, and peered in, saying her name softly. He saw her sitting on her knees with her head bowed down, one hand to the side of her face, slightly rocking and keening. She hadn't heard his greeting. He watched her, seething, knowing what he would see when she pulled her hand away. The bastard! He was torn between two urges, one to go to her and curl her in his arms and the other to chase after the asshole and show him what he thought of his kind of man, the kind of man that could ever hurt someone so precious. He started to back out of the room, but she caught sight of him and turned, her face crumbling when she saw him. He moved to her and she came up on her knees and wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his torso. As the sobs eventually eased, she leaned into him as though her strength were gone.
"So, is my shirt totally wasted with your snot and stuff?" he teased, gently. His hand rest upon her head, and he lightly stroked down the length of her magenta mane. He tipped a finger under her chin and tilted her face up to him, eyeing the swollen look of her cheek, feeling the red fire burning off of it. True regret entered him as he looked at that face, for the fact that she had to endure this kind of pain at the hands of someone she loved. Love for her filled him up as he pulled her to her feet for a full-length hug.
"Mmmmmm....drama much?" he said, trying to make her laugh. She did softly.
"I know, right?" Her eyes lacked the playful mischief they usually held. Now, even though she smiled thinly, there was nothing but hurt in her eyes.
"Shit, Adam," she said, shaking her head. "What am I going to do?"
Adam was silent a moment, thinking about how to proceed. "What do YOU think you should do, munch?" He frequently used this moniker on her, it was short for his original nickname for her, munchkin.
"Oh, damnit!" she cried, throwing herself off of her hands that were holding her up on the counter in front of her mirror, spinning around to meet him face to face. There was mascara on her cheeks and under her eyes, her eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot. "He's really not this way! It's just that he's been so upset about his album, and how bad it's tanking. I think it pisses him off that my career is better than his, but I'm just trying to do what I love, you know? But with him it's all, why did you say that like that and why are you trying to put me down. I swear, Adam, I would never put him down, I don't, it's crazy, it's like he's just looking for a fight lately. And I know I should tell him to fuck off, especially after this shit tonight, but I've got a year with him. He's really not like this," she finished lamely; leaving her palms up and open, out to the side of her.
Adam snorted. "So, the guy's insecure and this is how he makes himself feel more powerful, like more of a man, by beating up on his girl? Come on, honey. This is not you. If you stay, it will only get worse, I promise you. Been there, seen that. You have to get away from him. Is he still here?"
She shook her head. "No, he said he was going back to the hotel and packing his shit and getting out of here. I think his flight is at 11."
"Good, that will make it easier. You can tell him over the phone. He's not allowed here anymore. I'm going to talk to Joe and Dominic and make sure they know that he doesn't get back here anymore."
"Adam..." Allison began, knowing even before she could protest that he was right.
"Munch, he hit you," he said softly. "That's not what people do to people they love. You need someone that's going to cherish every crazy, funny, spandexed inch of you; you deserve nothing less than that. Don't you believe that?"
She rushed to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, laying her forehead on his collarbone. "Thanks, big bro" she whispered. Adam closed his eyes to the sudden sting and smiled, faintly.
"That'll teach you to go for the pretty, bad boys, little girl," he said with a chuckle, and jostled her by the arms. "Come on," he said, "I'll take you to find some ice for your cheek. We still have a lot to do before we get out of here."
***
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He sighed and propped one of his heavy leather boots on the counter in front of him, seated in a black director's chair in front of the lighted mirror in his dressing room. He looked deep into his eyes and saw the weariness. He had been on tour for three months, following the massive success of his second album. Every day since his audition for American Idol in San Francisco in 2008 had been more and more challenging, and the pace wasn't letting up. Adam saw all of life as some type of performance, and he loved to perform. Life was a show, and it was a whole lot better with razzle-dazzle and nail polish than it was with cheap sets and shabby costumes. He loved what he did, but there were times when he missed the cozy feeling of his days of riding very slightly under the radar. He couldn't do anything now without being spotted by some crazed paparazzo trying to get a picture of him buying a magazine, and everything he did and said was broken down on the internet every single day by endless fan websites. He was gossip column fodder, and everyone was trying to figure out who the new man in his life was. He was tired of dodging the issue, because the sad truth was that there was no new man in his life. He kept the media off guard by never shying away from going out places with a handful of the cute and charming men that he saw off and on, but none of them was looking for what he was looking for: a partner. He was Adam Lambert, beloved by so many adoring fans, but he couldn't find the one he was looking for. He could never find one that lived up to him.
As Adam gazed at his reflection, his mind was taken back to his American Idol journey, as it frequently was when he was feeling down. He saw bits and pieces of all the days, all the memories of his face along the way. He was there at every moment, always there to help ground Adam. He had been his someone to laugh with, someone to share fear with, someone to spend time with. The night Kris Allen was crowned the winner was heart stopping for Adam, because along the way, Adam had fallen in love with him, and he truly did want him to win. Adam knew that Adam had talent and that just getting to the finals would be enough to catapult his career, so he was happy to have Kris receive the title. He had deserved it, and it had made him happy and all Adam Lambert ever wanted was for Kris Allen to be happy. That's how strong his feelings were for him. The tour had been fun, but it had also been like a slow form of Chinese water torture. Every day that went by was a day that he got to spend with Kris, but every day brought him one day closer to the time that he was going to have to say goodbye to him. Adam knew they'd stay friends, but he knew there would never be another time when they would get to be together so exclusively and as privately as on Idol.
Which is a good thing, he thought to himself. If he had to live everyday with the temptation of wanting Kris so badly, he would surely have gone insane by now. The distance helped. The business, the up at dawn, bed at midnight life-style helped. The distraction of the steady stream of cute guys and great lovers helped. But nothing could change the fact that Adam had to live everyday with the knowledge that the man he loved was married to a woman.
He was very sensitive to the feelings of others and he had an uncanny knack for knowing things about people that they hadn't even realized they felt. Being an artist, he was extremely acute, and the fact that he was so good at what he did gave him an even clearer understanding of his motivations and the energy around others. There had been definite moments when he was sure he saw something in Kris that said he understood, too, the profound impact they were having on each other's lives. Adam was confused about what that meant. If it weren't for all the times that he was sure Kris was feeling what he felt too, Adam would have just left the subject alone. After all, the guy said he was straight, and he was married to a perfectly little adorable woman, and Adam had much more sense than to fall for something he couldn't have. But all Kris had to do was turn his eyes, those calm, warm, sexy eyes to him, let them linger a second or two too long, and Adam was sure Kris was sending him a message with those eyes. Those eyes, oh those eyes. Adam closed his as if afraid he would see their reflection in the mirror in front of him.
He sighed again and raised his eyebrows, eyes still closed. He exhaled through his nostrils and tried to clear his thoughts. He still had a million things he had to do before he could get back on the bus for the night. The show had only ended for the evening; he was still in his costume. He ran the tip of his ring finger under his eyes to wipe away the smudge of eyeliner that had gathered there due to his sweat during the show. He rifled a hand through the mane of black and electric blue on top of his head and stood. He knew what was coming was not going to be easy. That's why he was so weary, so tired, that's why he’d allowed his thoughts to turn back to Kris. 'I'm just tired' he told himself. Normally he was very good at keeping his feelings for Kris at bay. Maybe he sensed Kris now because he had to have one of the hardest talks he'd ever had with someone from their Idol family. Allison.
Allison Iraheta was one of those rare female forces that just sweeps you up and takes you in. He had known by the first day in Hollywood that they would be close. They had the same kind of creative energy surrounding them, they both liked to think a little outside the box. The liked to push edges, they liked to feel dangerous. He felt like a big brother to her because he knew that being a little different, she would need someone to look to, someone to help ease her out of herself. She was so young when he met her, just barely 17, maybe not even. He wanted to make sure that she expressed herself, but that she didn't let that creative edge take her too far, like he'd seen so many in the past. Allison was rock goddess material, and that kind of force can drive a woman to do crazy things. Janis Joplin was a case and point. Adam just did not want to see her go down that road. Since the mad success of his first album, he had been able to pull some strings and get Allison on tour with him as one of his opening acts. The people at 19 loved it, two Idols on tour. Adam had enjoyed instant, overnight stardom, but Allison had not done poorly with her career, either. The fact that she was opening for him was not a comment on how shabby Allison's career was, but rather on how great Adam's was, considering that someone as successful as Allison Iraheta would open for him.
He had thought the tour would be a blast, with the two of them thick as thieves again. He was surprised sparks didn't fly sometimes when they were together. The power of their creativity feeding off each other was intoxicating. They had co-written two songs on Allison's new album, which she was getting ready start recording once the tour was over. At first everything had been Ok, and then, the man she was involved with, Rhys, had hooked up with them at an early stop. Adam didn't see Allison the rest of the night. He thought it was strange, he didn't know why the guy had to have her all to himself. Adam being Adam, he had sensed that something was not quite right with the guy. Allison was different when she spoke of him, more subdued. He had felt the life drain out of her a little when she talked about him, what little she did speak of him. He had seen so many friends through dysfunctional relationships, and he knew the tell tale signs of one. After that night, the boyfriend came to a few more stops, but Adam still hadn’t had a real conversation with the guy. It was like he was avoiding him. As if he had something to hide. Adam didn't like him at all. Rhys had been on his most recent trip out with them just this week. He was heading out tonight after the show because the tour was leaving for a new stop.
The night before, Adam had been backstage when Allison had come off stage. She had been energized, her funny, funky, beautiful face lit up with adrenaline and her pink and purple-spiked hair bouncing with her movement. Her boyfriend had immediately met her and pulled her away toward her dressing room. She had thrown a bewildered, almost frightened look over her shoulder at Adam. In that instant he knew that she was calling out to him as surely as if she had cried out. She may not have known it, but she wanted to be saved from the guy. Adam knew that she would resist what he had to say, and that it might put a crack in their wonderful friendship. The weight of that possibility heaved heavy on Adam's shoulders, and caused him to sigh wearily again.
He hoped he could still catch her in her dressing room and not back on the bus already. He didn't want to have this conversation in front of anyone else.
As he neared her dressing room, suddenly the door popped open with such force that it ricocheted off the wall and came back around to almost hit Rhys in the face as he stormed out.
"Rhys!" came Allison's broken cry from inside the room. He heard the sound of her sobs through the still cracked door.
Adam put a toe to the edge of the door, and peered in, saying her name softly. He saw her sitting on her knees with her head bowed down, one hand to the side of her face, slightly rocking and keening. She hadn't heard his greeting. He watched her, seething, knowing what he would see when she pulled her hand away. The bastard! He was torn between two urges, one to go to her and curl her in his arms and the other to chase after the asshole and show him what he thought of his kind of man, the kind of man that could ever hurt someone so precious. He started to back out of the room, but she caught sight of him and turned, her face crumbling when she saw him. He moved to her and she came up on her knees and wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face in his torso. As the sobs eventually eased, she leaned into him as though her strength were gone.
"So, is my shirt totally wasted with your snot and stuff?" he teased, gently. His hand rest upon her head, and he lightly stroked down the length of her magenta mane. He tipped a finger under her chin and tilted her face up to him, eyeing the swollen look of her cheek, feeling the red fire burning off of it. True regret entered him as he looked at that face, for the fact that she had to endure this kind of pain at the hands of someone she loved. Love for her filled him up as he pulled her to her feet for a full-length hug.
"Mmmmmm....drama much?" he said, trying to make her laugh. She did softly.
"I know, right?" Her eyes lacked the playful mischief they usually held. Now, even though she smiled thinly, there was nothing but hurt in her eyes.
"Shit, Adam," she said, shaking her head. "What am I going to do?"
Adam was silent a moment, thinking about how to proceed. "What do YOU think you should do, munch?" He frequently used this moniker on her, it was short for his original nickname for her, munchkin.
"Oh, damnit!" she cried, throwing herself off of her hands that were holding her up on the counter in front of her mirror, spinning around to meet him face to face. There was mascara on her cheeks and under her eyes, her eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot. "He's really not this way! It's just that he's been so upset about his album, and how bad it's tanking. I think it pisses him off that my career is better than his, but I'm just trying to do what I love, you know? But with him it's all, why did you say that like that and why are you trying to put me down. I swear, Adam, I would never put him down, I don't, it's crazy, it's like he's just looking for a fight lately. And I know I should tell him to fuck off, especially after this shit tonight, but I've got a year with him. He's really not like this," she finished lamely; leaving her palms up and open, out to the side of her.
Adam snorted. "So, the guy's insecure and this is how he makes himself feel more powerful, like more of a man, by beating up on his girl? Come on, honey. This is not you. If you stay, it will only get worse, I promise you. Been there, seen that. You have to get away from him. Is he still here?"
She shook her head. "No, he said he was going back to the hotel and packing his shit and getting out of here. I think his flight is at 11."
"Good, that will make it easier. You can tell him over the phone. He's not allowed here anymore. I'm going to talk to Joe and Dominic and make sure they know that he doesn't get back here anymore."
"Adam..." Allison began, knowing even before she could protest that he was right.
"Munch, he hit you," he said softly. "That's not what people do to people they love. You need someone that's going to cherish every crazy, funny, spandexed inch of you; you deserve nothing less than that. Don't you believe that?"
She rushed to him and wrapped her arms around his neck, laying her forehead on his collarbone. "Thanks, big bro" she whispered. Adam closed his eyes to the sudden sting and smiled, faintly.
"That'll teach you to go for the pretty, bad boys, little girl," he said with a chuckle, and jostled her by the arms. "Come on," he said, "I'll take you to find some ice for your cheek. We still have a lot to do before we get out of here."
***
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