Fic: I'll Be Here When You Wake (1/1)
Title: I'll Be Here Where You Wake
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: NC-17
Beta: alyssand
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Word Count: 5700
Summary: Adam doesn't know how things got like this. He doesn't know when Kris Allen formed this complete hold over him.
Notes: guh, guys. This is entirely and completely alyssand 's fault. She prompted me for Adam/Kris pool smut, to which I replied. "I don't write smut." Then she bullied me into writing it anyway. *It's okay I am making her write me Kris/Adam bath smut - squee* anyways. Yeah, so it sort of ended up not being pool smut at all really. It ended up being angsty. Shock. So yeah, I hope you guys like this. And ahm yeah. Oooh super huge major huggles have to be sent to alyssand though, because there is no way this would have been written without her. Song for title and lyrics is: Reindeer Section - I'll Be Here When You Wake. *nervous*
I'll Be Here When You Wake
Adam dipped his feet into the cool water, smiling to himself as he watched them both disappear beneath the surface, blurred and distorted, the chill of the water sending a shiver across his warm skin. He leaned backwards, his palms resting flat against the cold concrete and he lulled his head back closing his eyes, allowing the calm to wash over him as the water lapped gently at his feet.
Right now he probably had over a dozen text messages on his phone from friends who wanted him at some party or another, and he briefly acknowledged the fact that it would have made much more sense to have accepted one of those invites. It would certainly have been healthier than staying in on a Friday night waiting for someone to show up, especially if that someone was most likely not going to.
But now it was no use, he had played this over and over in his mind. What he wanted and what was right just never seemed to fall in line anymore. At least not since Kris Allen had crash-landed in his life -- quite literally because this certainly wasn't normal Adam behaviour. He had never been the person who waited at home by the phone, praying to god some guy would call, and he had never ever in his life been at the beck and call of someone else. Crash, crash, crash. Damn Kris Allen and whatever hold he had over him.
On tour it had been easy, too easy perhaps with everything falling into a routine, the two of them naturally sharing a hotel room. No one thought anything of it now because it was just the way things were, like the two of them waiting up on the tour bus till everyone else had gone to sleep, the two of them huddled together laughing at private jokes no one else would understand and the hugs that lingered too long, because they always lingered too long, that was just the way they were. No one noticed any of the changes between them because on the surface they never let anyone see that there was anything more than just friendship.
They were still just Kris and Adam, friends brought together by the competition, some unseen and inexplicable force linking them in a way that no one- not even themselves- understood. There was no need to question it really, because it was what it had always been.
Adam sensed very early on the feelings that were growing for Kris, building up under the surface of gazes across crowded rooms and one too many lingering touches. Kris had been responsive and eager to them, and to begin with they’d meant nothing more than a simple affection between two friends. It wasn't as if it all had changed in some kind of ‘lightning bolt moment’.
It had been just like any other day, as normal as days could get on Idol anyway, with everyone else turning in early, clearly not suffering from the insomnia that for some reason seemed to only affect him and Kris. It had happened so naturally, they’d barely realised it. One moment they had been at opposite sides of the room, restless in their own beds, and the next they’d found themselves curled up together, arms and legs intertwined, Kris' face burrowed in Adam's neck. And just like that, they’d both drifted off into the first night of uninhibited sleep they’d had in a long time.
Everything else that happened throughout the competition became just a blur of moments for Adam; people leaving, celebrity mentors, group numbers and generic song choices, all clouded by the feelings he was developing for Kris. It all had seemed so irrelevant in comparison to what was happening to him, and by the time he realised what the feeling truly was, it had become too late to stop it. He was falling in love with someone so inappropriate, and the situation so ridiculously beyond the possibility of becoming anything more than what it was. It was all about a connection for Kris, having something solid, a presence that he could hold onto, and Adam had become that quickly, their definition of friendship shifting and changing until they were left with this.
He never really understood how Kris truly felt. Whenever they spoke of the future, all they talked about were daydreams, or how they envisioned the fantasy of their lives playing out. It was mostly dwelling on the surface, never really going deeper as though there was this imaginary line they were afraid of breaching. For a long time it had been enough for Adam, he’d been content in just having Kris with him for the moments he could. They never spoke of Katy and Adam suspected Kris was careful to never bring her up in conversation.
There was of course one night on tour, when Katy had shown up as planned for a few nights, and Adam suddenly found he wasn't needed. He felt cast aside as he watched Kris place his arm around Katy and kiss her softly on the cheek, fingers lightly running through her shiny blonde hair, his fingers twined through hers like it was where he belonged. Kris barely acknowledged his presence. They’d all gone out to a club that night, and Adam's only solution to the pain that shot through his chest every time he watched the two of them together was to drink, drink and drink till he couldn't feel a damn thing. It worked. It worked so well he’d begun flirting with practically every guy in the place, falling over himself and dancing to songs that he was fairly sure were only playing in his mind. That had gotten Kris' attention. It was of course the reason he’d done it in the first place. It was all he wanted really and he was drunk, selfish and jealous enough to admit that he wanted it just for himself.
Kris had nothing to say other than, “She's my wife, Adam.” That had been that, end of discussion. It was what it was, friendship that had turned to sex, comfortable and desperate. He told himself many times over that he would be stronger, and that one day when he got a call or text from Kris, he would find it in himself to say no. Sadly he knew he was fooling himself, and that he would always, always say yes.
Suddenly, dangling his feet in the water isn't enough. He wants to lose himself in the cool weightlessness of the water, to forget who he is waiting for... the man he shouldn’t be waiting for. He pulls his feet out of the water, immediately missing the feeling of the waves tickling his toes. He undresses quickly, removing his t-shirt and the faded jeans he’d rolled up to his knees.
If Kris were here now he is fairly sure there would be a smirk, followed by some comment about him having a kink for swimming naked. “Is it the thought that someone might see?” He knows Kris will ask, in that sweet innocent tone he is somehow able to maintain while insinuating something else entirely. He has a response ready - he has a hundred responses ready - mostly along the lines of “It's my fucking pool, and my fucking house so I'll swim naked if I fucking want to thank you very much.”
He doesn't step into the water slowly but dives in, wanting the harsh coldness of the water to hit him hard. He wants it because it will make him forget for just one second how extremely pathetic it is that he’s conjuring imaginary conversations with Kris, picturing the two of them engaged in their regular banter. As usual, the distraction fades quickly and the shock of the water against his body is gone but he remains under the surface, hidden and silent.
He knows why he does it, why he makes up these conversations. It’s because they are so much better than reality. Lately it seems like Kris has constantly been avoiding discussing the one thing that Adam’s dying to talk about. There are now lulls in their conversations, awkward silences between sentences that never existed before. After every fuck, he swears he can literally see Kris struggling to come up with something else to say in an effort to ignore the fact that they are naked and pressed up against each other, completely spent.
It’s all so Kris can pretend that this thing they’re doing is just part of what they are now and what they will always be, as though if they simply ignore and avoid questioning any of it, Kris won’t have to think about what it means. Adam knows that this is how Kris feels; he can see it clearly every time he looks at Kris and it damn near kills him inside.
He swims slowly, allowing his body to get used to the temperature of the water. It's almost warm now. His body feels relaxed and tired and suddenly out of nowhere something snaps inside him and he propels himself forward through the water, swimming faster, his legs moving quicker, heavy arms pulling through the water. He wants to stay awake, alert. He remembers that he is still waiting, waiting for a call that will most likely never come.
He is losing momentum now, and he can feel his body giving up slowly, the fatigue becoming so incredibly overwhelming. He wants to fight through it, to stay in the water, but he is losing the battle, he is tired in so many ways. He is tired of waiting for someone who isn't even his... of becoming someone he barely recognises. He moves quickly out of the pool, walking over to where his phone sits on the table, not even pausing to pick his clothes up and put them back on. He scrolls through the messages flicking through offers with a sudden resolve and he is determined to pick one randomly because he will not be that guy, sitting at home on a Friday night pathetically feeling sorry for himself.
Then he hears the echo of his name, coming from inside the house. The patio doors are wide open and he can see straight through the front door. He can see Kris, whose eyes are searching quickly across the house. He’s been out tonight, no doubt with Katy seeing as he is dressed in a suit, so unusual and yet so perfect for Kris. Adam watches him silently and Kris still hasn't seen him yet, removing his jacket and throwing it across the sofa, moving across the room, approaching the side doors that lead out to the pool. Adam feels his breath catch and it really is pathetic how one person can have such an effect on him.
Kris sees him finally, his eyes going wide and he is licking his lips, the bottom one catching between his teeth. Adam turns away, because it's just too fucking much to have Kris looking at him like that, looking at him like he knows exactly what he wants, that it’s what he came here for and how he knows he is going to get it. It's only a short time before he feels the warmth of Kris' hands on his shoulders, his tongue on his back licking at the drops of water falling down from his hair.
“You got my message then.”
He wants to say no, that he didn't get his damn message, but his phone is still in his hands, because he’s clutching onto it for dear life. He looks down at it, scrolling to read his new messages and there it is, the one he had been waiting for all fucking night, staring back at him. The words glare back at him, stating Kris is on his way. He hates that Kris just assumed he'd be here, that he knew Adam would just be waiting, and Adam can't figure out when things changed, when Kris became the one with all the power.
Adam can feel Kris' hands drifting lower now, warm fingers at the base of his back and it's almost impossible to think of anything else other than Kris' hands marking out his body, rubbing in the drops of water that still linger on his skin.
Kris lips are on his skin again, trailing kisses across his shoulders, teeth biting softly, and Adam wants to tell him to stop, that he actually has plans. But Kris' hands are moving around trailing across his stomach and down his navel, moving with such excruciating slowness that Adam can't fucking stand it. When he finally takes hold of Adam it’s still too slow, still not enough.
Kris' fingers tighten around his cock, his thumb brushing across the head working Adam exactly the way he knows he likes it, and god he wishes he was strong enough to deny him this, to push Kris away because he knows what the end of the evening will bring. They have been here so many times he’s lost count. He can already see Kris walking away from him... he can already feel the loneliness starting to creep in.
Kris' breath is warm on his neck, his voice close to Adam's ear. “Turn around.” There's not even a small chance that he won't, and when he does it’s with such a deliberate slowness that he can feel the irritation radiating from Kris, the need lingering, hot beneath his skin. Adam looks down at Kris and his eyes are everywhere, following his own hands as they move across Adam's body, curious, as though he is seeing Adam like this for the first time. He has learnt Kris’ moods well by now, and sometimes Kris wants it hard, fast and desperate. But sometimes, like now, he wants to take everything in, wants to really see Adam. There's always an intense look in Kris' eyes like he is trying to memorise every single thing about Adam's body, and it’s as if he is trying to mark Adam's skin whenever he runs his fingers across his body slowly.
It's the worst because in these moments it’s almost easy to believe that Kris wants more than just a quick fuck from Adam, almost easy to believe that way he looks at him is with such intense inexplicably irrevocable love instead of meaningless lust, and Adam has never craved something and hated it so much all at once.
He can feel Kris' lips across his chest now, hands on his waist, fingers digging in as Kris is lowering himself to the ground on his knees and taking Adam into his mouth. Again, everything is so slow. Kris’ cheeks hollow out as he takes more of Adam in his mouth, slowly working his way down a little more with each thrust of his head. Instinctively his fingers find their way into Kris' hair, tugging slightly and urging him on. He hears Kris moan around his cock and it takes everything he has not to just thrust into the willing mouth, and so he holds back, letting Kris set the pace, always letting Kris set the pace.
Kris’ fingers are on his thighs now, moving up massaging into the skin and Adam can feel his legs bucking as Kris works him all the way into his mouth and fuck Kris is too fucking good at this. After so many nights together, just the two of them, Adam showing him exactly what he likes, how to work his tongue, Kris is using it all now, knowing that he has the power to turn Adam into a quivering mess.
He feels Kris lips pull away from him. He’s completely hard now and Kris is licking his lips, staring at his cock like its best fucking thing he has ever seen, kissing the head and pumping it in one hand. Adam wants to see him now, he wants to see those eyes look back into his and it’s almost like Kris is reading his mind because he looks up at Adam, eyes wicked and wanting, his lips pouty and swollen and fuck it, he'll let Kris have his control back later but right now he wants those lips on his.
Adam pulls Kris up with a sudden harshness and crashes their lips together, tongue quickly darting into Kris' mouth. He can taste himself and it is blissful and obscene, but he doesn't fucking care because Kris' tongue is meeting his and it’s the most forceful any one of their kisses has ever been and it is driving him crazy. Kris' reaction is to lean in closer, pressing the full length of his body against Adam’s. He can feel Kris, already hard, pressing up against him, and that this is his way of telling Adam exactly what he wants.
They pull apart, Adam grabbing a fistful of Kris' shirt like he just wants to rip it off his body, but Kris is talking to him again, that damn commanding voice. “Lay down on the chair.”
Adam glances over Kris’ shoulder to the plastic garden furniture they had bought together, the memory of Kris sitting on one of them and bouncing up and down announcing that they seemed sturdy enough suddenly popping into his head. Adam is now wondering if this isn't some kind of sexual fantasy Kris has been planning for a while now.
He is moving quickly though, lying on his back obediently, the cushions on the chair cold against his skin, already knowing what Kris will want. Adam doesn't get embarrassed, and he is certainly not shy but sometimes, when Kris looks at him, like the way he is looking now, he feels like he is exposed in so many ways, like Kris is the only person who will ever really understand him, the only person who will know exactly what he needs before he even knows he needs it. And the feeling of loss is hitting him again, because he can see Kris walking away once it’s over, just like he always does.
Kris' eyes are wandering over his body, and he’s biting as his lip again, looking like someone who has no idea where to start and wants everything all at fucking once. His fingers are working slowly at the buttons on his shirt and Adam hates it when he does this because Kris knows how much Adam loves taking each piece of clothing off Kris slowly, fingers searching his perfect skin, trailing across his body. It’s not like that tonight and as his fingers reach out to take over what Kris has started, they are slapped away. Adam lets out a frustrated sigh, letting his hand wander down his own body instead, taking his cock in hand pumping it slowly.
“Fuck Adam.”
Adam smirks up at him, knowing such profanities from Kris are reserved only for moments like this. Adam can still remember the first time he heard Kris say the word fuck. He had Kris' cock down his throat, working it fast and hard, letting Kris practically fuck his face as he came in his mouth. Of course, Adam being the good friend that he was, told Kris that there would be much reprimanding for using such language.
Kris balls his shirt up in his hand before throwing it to the floor beside them, and then he is leaning over Adam, chest to chest, Kris' skin so fucking warm against Adam’s. He feels Kris’ hand rest over his own that is wrapped around his cock, both pumping his hard length together now and he knows Kris wants him to let go so he can take control back. Adam is willing... too willing. He wishes he had some kind of fight but where Kris Allen is concerned, he has resigned himself.
He wants Kris’ pants off like five minutes ago and he doesn't give a shit that Kris will probably hit his hands away. If it gets them closer to having Kris inside him all that much faster, then he is going to fucking well try. He manages to get the belt unbuckled before Kris is pulling away, and a whimper actually leaves his mouth, a fucking whimper at the loss of contact, yearning for the feel of Kris’ hands on him, and his hands reach out, desperate to pull him back.
“Impatient tonight aren't we?” There's a laugh at the end of the sentence that pisses Adam off. Something about the way Kris is taking some kind of pleasure in letting Adam suffer like this, and he wonders if maybe that's what gets Kris off, knowing that all night Adam has been here, waiting, wanting, thinking about this exact moment, and all of a sudden Adam is angry and strangely even more turned on than he was before.
Words are ready to leave his mouth but then Kris fingers are on his lips, pressing to get in and he opens his mouth willingly, sucking around them and making them wet, biting at Kris' fingertips before he releases them from his mouth.
Kris’ pants and boxers are pooled at his ankles now and he has his cock in his hand, pumping slowly. Adam licks his lips, wanting to lick at the liquid already forming at the head of it but Kris' thumb is already there, smearing the liquid in. He can feel the two wet fingers pushing into him now and he throws his head back against the chair, biting on his lip as Kris pushes into him with more force than usual. It doesn't seem to match Kris’ behaviour; he was expecting slow and shallow thrusts, but instead they’re deep and fast, not that he’s complaining because this isn't enough. It won't ever be enough, and he wants Kris inside him so badly right now it fucking hurts.
He feels Kris' fingers scissor inside him and a noise escapes him that he can’t imagine ever having been able to hold in. His eyes are tightly shut and he can't look at Kris, he can't admit that one look at that face hovering above his, watching him closely, taking in each twitch his body makes and the noises from his mouth, will bring this is all to an end. He doesn’t want this to end so soon. He wants to come with Kris buried inside him, to feel it throughout his entire body.
Kris’ fingers slide out and it’s literally seconds before the head of Kris cock is at his entrance, pushing in, and he wants it fast, just like how it was moments ago but Kris isn't relenting. He’s moving with an excruciating slowness and Adam can't even begin to fathom how he is managing it. He opens his eyes to look up at Kris and immediately regrets it, because Kris is smirking down at him, knowing that Adam wants it hard, but he isn't going to give in.
Adam can't look away now, not now that his eyes are locked on Kris', the two of them connected and bound in this moment, and Adam is pleading with his eyes, trying to shift his body down onto Kris' cock. But damn it, Kris is still in control, and for every movement he makes, Kris pulls out a little, so he gives up and just stares up at him waiting and watching as Kris enjoys the moment.
His fingers are trailing across Adam's chest, pulling at his nipples and resting on his stomach, slowly pushing into Adam a little more. Kris’ head falls back and Adam wants to lick his exposed neck, to bite down hard, marking it, but that goes against the rules. Such a long fucking list of rules, the main one being that Adam is not allowed to mark Kris, despite the fact that it’s the one thing he would fucking love to do the most, to be able to leave tiny bite marks all over Kris body, his favourite parts of Kris body, his hip bone, shoulder blades, his thighs, god, fucking everywhere if he could.
Kris leans his body forward and his cock slides in nearly all the way and Adam can't help but buck down against it. Finally Kris is all the way in, and Adam thinks that if he dare fucking pull out now, screw fucking control, he'll be throwing Kris down and riding his cock so hard he’ll see fucking stars. But whatever restraint Kris had before is gone now and he is moving, thrusting himself in and out of Adam's body, and it feels like he has been waiting for this for so long, that he could live off this feeling alone and be perfectly content.
Kris leans forward further still, pushing Adam's legs back, angling his body in a way that he hits the spot deep inside Adam that has him writhing underneath Kris' firm warm body. Their chests crash together as Kris moves again, wanting to lean closer and press his lips to Adam’s, and it is way more intense this way, having Kris so close, their lips meeting in soft wet kisses, their breaths mingling as they both cling to one another.
Kris is slowing down now, and Adam feels like he is pushing in even deeper if that's possible. One of Kris’ hands moves across his face, brushing away the stray black hair that has fallen over Adam' eyes. Kris has been saying for so long that he needs to get it cut, and the moment that passes now is so tender and beautiful that Adam feels like he might cry, because now Kris is leaning forward to kiss his eyelid, now uncovered where the hair had just been. Kris begins planting soft, achingly sweet kisses all across his face, nose, and chin, and it takes all he has to fight the tears that threaten to fall.
Adam's cock is now craving attention, the friction of being pressed against their stomachs suddenly not enough. He reaches his own hand down between them and pumps away quickly, and it’s slippery, hot, and fucking fantastic when every now and then Kris’ thrusts add even more to the friction.
He knows Kris is close, the shaky murmurs and the urgent increase in speed, the sound of Adam's name broken on his lips, he knows all he has to do is clench around Kris cock and this will all be over for him. So he does just that, watching as Kris' head arches back and his entire body tenses before coming deep inside Adam, and it’s enough for Adam, just seeing Kris so lost in blissful ecstasy that his own orgasm rides out, his own cock spilling out against his stomach.
Kris’ body collapses against his, not caring at all about the mess he is resting against. Adam wants to close his eyes and enjoy the moment, letting his clean fingers linger in Kris' hair, but it would only be part of the illusion and he has about thirty seconds before Kris begins pulling out of him, before this becomes just another fuck, another moment in time that’s simply come and gone.
Right on cue Kris is pulling away, his deflating cock slipping out of Adam. Adam watches him as Kris' eyes wander slowly across the mess that’s on Adam's stomach, hand and cock. He leans forward, that fucking smirk back on his face, and he is licking Adam clean, tongue trailing across his sensitive skin, wiping away every last drop.
He smiles warmly down at Adam, and Adam pulls him close. He wants to taste it, he wants to taste himself in Kris’ mouth before Kris pulls away again like he always fucking does and asks to use the bathroom to freshen up. He pulls Kris down on top of him, crushing their lips together and he expects it to be rough and frantic, because somehow that's what he needs it to be right now. But Kris is moving slowly, his tongue gliding along Adam's bottom lip, teasing him, pausing to dip languidly into his mouth before pulling away again, and Adam bites lightly against Kris’ lip, hoping it will catch Kris of guard so he can deepen the kiss further.
Tonight, like most nights, Kris finally relents, opening his mouth to welcome Adam’s. Kris’ hands are everywhere again, searching, exploring all of Adam's skin, taking breaks in between kisses, murmuring words like. “So fucking beautiful...” Adam just wishes he would shut the fuck up and stop saying things he doesn't mean, stop whispering words like that to him, especially when they both know full well what's going to happen next.
When they finally break apart, their breathing heavy, Kris’ eyes bore down into Adam's and there is no way Adam can break this. There is a heartache in those eyes that has never been there before, a deep feeling of regret that is new, or perhaps just something that he has been hiding so well for so long. Suddenly it's like something clicks inside Kris’ brain because he realises that Adam can see what he is feeling, and immediately the look is gone, replaced by something else, perhaps guilt.
The emptiness Adam feels when Kris pulls away is almost enough to make the tears fall, to release the sobs that have been threatening to come. He has played out so many scenarios in his head, seen himself begging Kris to stay, pleading with Kris to choose him. But he’s certain he won't be that guy, and he wonders if this, saying nothing at all, is any better. He'll let himself be used, he'll let his heart get broken, but he will never let himself ask Kris for that one thing he wants more than anything.
Kris is mumbling words and pulling up his pants, heading into the house like he always does. Adam knows that when Kris comes back, he'll smell like Adam's deodorant and the kiss goodbye will taste of toothpaste, masking any traces of Adam. It shouldn't hurt really, not anymore, not after so long. But still it does, as though a little piece of hope falls away with each kiss goodbye. He yearns for the day Kris will decide to walk out, his hair a mess, his belt still undone and the taste of Adam lingering in his mouth, but Adam fears that day will never come.
He gets up from the chair in Kris' absence and pulls on his clothes from earlier. He'll shower later, wash away another moment with Kris. He has to find ways to pre-occupy himself first though, to hold on for as long as he can to the scent of Kris still lingering on him.
“I have to go.”
He doesn't turn to look at Kris, knowing what he'll see, Kris with his shirt back on and his jacket in one hand, guilt written across his face as he stands in the doorway, unsure of what else to say. It’s all gotten so fucking predictable by now, and he wishes he knew what it was that kept pulling him back in, night after night.
Of course he knows. He can admit it, love has taken a hold of him, and its grip is unrelenting, suffocating him, making him suffer, giving him what he wants and who he wants and then snatching it away because that's what love is. A fucking punch in the stomach just when you think you’re happy, when you think everything is going the way you want it.
“I don't want to go. But I have to.”
Adam shrugs his shoulders and turns to look at Kris. He has said those words before and delivered them a lot better. Adam wonders when it will finally reach a point when there is no longer a need for them to have this conversation at all, no longer a need for this awkward goodbye. He wonders when the day will come that Kris will simply get up and leave, wordlessly, without so much as a backward glance. That will be easier, he thinks. He is willing that time upon them now, hoping it creeps up on him sooner than later.
Adam takes a deep breath and strides towards him, anticipating the goodbye kiss, the taste of toothpaste on his tongue. Except that it isn't there, it still tastes like him, and he pulls away quickly searching Kris’ face for clues, but those brown eyes are still closed and he is pulling Adam back in, clutching at his thick black hair, thrusting his tongue into Adam's mouth letting him know exactly what that taste is.
When they break away Kris' eyes are wide and his mouth is curved into a smile that Adam cannot remember seeing in a long time. It is one from so many years ago, from the first time they met, back when it was all innocent and simply friendship, or at least when he thought it was simple.
He didn't even realise he had missed it until right that fucking moment. And now he has no idea what the smile means, but there's a confirmation in Kris' eyes, like he’s trying to tell Adam everything with just one fucking look. There are so many questions he wants to ask but Kris is walking away, and this time, it feels different.
It's not like all the other times when Kris simply reached the door, never stopping to look back, just shutting it behind him softly. Now he’s lingering there, looking at Adam, the same gorgeous fucking smile spread across his face. It’s left Adam staggered, wanting to run after him, but Adam knows he doesn’t need to. He doesn't even understand how things have shifted so quickly but he knows Kris will be back, and it will be soon, that from this point things are going to be different.
He has no idea what's going to happen next, no idea what either of them are going to do but standing there looking at Kris, he can feel years of wondering turning into an understanding, that everything was leading to this moment. A natural progression just like everything else in their relationship, Kris has been waiting for this moment, waiting to be ready, to know he was strong enough to do this, to really be with Adam.
There's something in Kris' eyes, a confirmation of a promise that Kris is making him, that Kris is going to keep.
.
Author:
claire_kay
Rating: NC-17
Beta: alyssand
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Word Count: 5700
Summary: Adam doesn't know how things got like this. He doesn't know when Kris Allen formed this complete hold over him.
Notes: guh, guys. This is entirely and completely alyssand 's fault. She prompted me for Adam/Kris pool smut, to which I replied. "I don't write smut." Then she bullied me into writing it anyway. *It's okay I am making her write me Kris/Adam bath smut - squee* anyways. Yeah, so it sort of ended up not being pool smut at all really. It ended up being angsty. Shock. So yeah, I hope you guys like this. And ahm yeah. Oooh super huge major huggles have to be sent to alyssand though, because there is no way this would have been written without her. Song for title and lyrics is: Reindeer Section - I'll Be Here When You Wake. *nervous*
I'll Be Here When You Wake
Adam dipped his feet into the cool water, smiling to himself as he watched them both disappear beneath the surface, blurred and distorted, the chill of the water sending a shiver across his warm skin. He leaned backwards, his palms resting flat against the cold concrete and he lulled his head back closing his eyes, allowing the calm to wash over him as the water lapped gently at his feet.
Right now he probably had over a dozen text messages on his phone from friends who wanted him at some party or another, and he briefly acknowledged the fact that it would have made much more sense to have accepted one of those invites. It would certainly have been healthier than staying in on a Friday night waiting for someone to show up, especially if that someone was most likely not going to.
But now it was no use, he had played this over and over in his mind. What he wanted and what was right just never seemed to fall in line anymore. At least not since Kris Allen had crash-landed in his life -- quite literally because this certainly wasn't normal Adam behaviour. He had never been the person who waited at home by the phone, praying to god some guy would call, and he had never ever in his life been at the beck and call of someone else. Crash, crash, crash. Damn Kris Allen and whatever hold he had over him.
On tour it had been easy, too easy perhaps with everything falling into a routine, the two of them naturally sharing a hotel room. No one thought anything of it now because it was just the way things were, like the two of them waiting up on the tour bus till everyone else had gone to sleep, the two of them huddled together laughing at private jokes no one else would understand and the hugs that lingered too long, because they always lingered too long, that was just the way they were. No one noticed any of the changes between them because on the surface they never let anyone see that there was anything more than just friendship.
They were still just Kris and Adam, friends brought together by the competition, some unseen and inexplicable force linking them in a way that no one- not even themselves- understood. There was no need to question it really, because it was what it had always been.
Adam sensed very early on the feelings that were growing for Kris, building up under the surface of gazes across crowded rooms and one too many lingering touches. Kris had been responsive and eager to them, and to begin with they’d meant nothing more than a simple affection between two friends. It wasn't as if it all had changed in some kind of ‘lightning bolt moment’.
It had been just like any other day, as normal as days could get on Idol anyway, with everyone else turning in early, clearly not suffering from the insomnia that for some reason seemed to only affect him and Kris. It had happened so naturally, they’d barely realised it. One moment they had been at opposite sides of the room, restless in their own beds, and the next they’d found themselves curled up together, arms and legs intertwined, Kris' face burrowed in Adam's neck. And just like that, they’d both drifted off into the first night of uninhibited sleep they’d had in a long time.
Everything else that happened throughout the competition became just a blur of moments for Adam; people leaving, celebrity mentors, group numbers and generic song choices, all clouded by the feelings he was developing for Kris. It all had seemed so irrelevant in comparison to what was happening to him, and by the time he realised what the feeling truly was, it had become too late to stop it. He was falling in love with someone so inappropriate, and the situation so ridiculously beyond the possibility of becoming anything more than what it was. It was all about a connection for Kris, having something solid, a presence that he could hold onto, and Adam had become that quickly, their definition of friendship shifting and changing until they were left with this.
He never really understood how Kris truly felt. Whenever they spoke of the future, all they talked about were daydreams, or how they envisioned the fantasy of their lives playing out. It was mostly dwelling on the surface, never really going deeper as though there was this imaginary line they were afraid of breaching. For a long time it had been enough for Adam, he’d been content in just having Kris with him for the moments he could. They never spoke of Katy and Adam suspected Kris was careful to never bring her up in conversation.
There was of course one night on tour, when Katy had shown up as planned for a few nights, and Adam suddenly found he wasn't needed. He felt cast aside as he watched Kris place his arm around Katy and kiss her softly on the cheek, fingers lightly running through her shiny blonde hair, his fingers twined through hers like it was where he belonged. Kris barely acknowledged his presence. They’d all gone out to a club that night, and Adam's only solution to the pain that shot through his chest every time he watched the two of them together was to drink, drink and drink till he couldn't feel a damn thing. It worked. It worked so well he’d begun flirting with practically every guy in the place, falling over himself and dancing to songs that he was fairly sure were only playing in his mind. That had gotten Kris' attention. It was of course the reason he’d done it in the first place. It was all he wanted really and he was drunk, selfish and jealous enough to admit that he wanted it just for himself.
Kris had nothing to say other than, “She's my wife, Adam.” That had been that, end of discussion. It was what it was, friendship that had turned to sex, comfortable and desperate. He told himself many times over that he would be stronger, and that one day when he got a call or text from Kris, he would find it in himself to say no. Sadly he knew he was fooling himself, and that he would always, always say yes.
Suddenly, dangling his feet in the water isn't enough. He wants to lose himself in the cool weightlessness of the water, to forget who he is waiting for... the man he shouldn’t be waiting for. He pulls his feet out of the water, immediately missing the feeling of the waves tickling his toes. He undresses quickly, removing his t-shirt and the faded jeans he’d rolled up to his knees.
If Kris were here now he is fairly sure there would be a smirk, followed by some comment about him having a kink for swimming naked. “Is it the thought that someone might see?” He knows Kris will ask, in that sweet innocent tone he is somehow able to maintain while insinuating something else entirely. He has a response ready - he has a hundred responses ready - mostly along the lines of “It's my fucking pool, and my fucking house so I'll swim naked if I fucking want to thank you very much.”
He doesn't step into the water slowly but dives in, wanting the harsh coldness of the water to hit him hard. He wants it because it will make him forget for just one second how extremely pathetic it is that he’s conjuring imaginary conversations with Kris, picturing the two of them engaged in their regular banter. As usual, the distraction fades quickly and the shock of the water against his body is gone but he remains under the surface, hidden and silent.
He knows why he does it, why he makes up these conversations. It’s because they are so much better than reality. Lately it seems like Kris has constantly been avoiding discussing the one thing that Adam’s dying to talk about. There are now lulls in their conversations, awkward silences between sentences that never existed before. After every fuck, he swears he can literally see Kris struggling to come up with something else to say in an effort to ignore the fact that they are naked and pressed up against each other, completely spent.
It’s all so Kris can pretend that this thing they’re doing is just part of what they are now and what they will always be, as though if they simply ignore and avoid questioning any of it, Kris won’t have to think about what it means. Adam knows that this is how Kris feels; he can see it clearly every time he looks at Kris and it damn near kills him inside.
He swims slowly, allowing his body to get used to the temperature of the water. It's almost warm now. His body feels relaxed and tired and suddenly out of nowhere something snaps inside him and he propels himself forward through the water, swimming faster, his legs moving quicker, heavy arms pulling through the water. He wants to stay awake, alert. He remembers that he is still waiting, waiting for a call that will most likely never come.
He is losing momentum now, and he can feel his body giving up slowly, the fatigue becoming so incredibly overwhelming. He wants to fight through it, to stay in the water, but he is losing the battle, he is tired in so many ways. He is tired of waiting for someone who isn't even his... of becoming someone he barely recognises. He moves quickly out of the pool, walking over to where his phone sits on the table, not even pausing to pick his clothes up and put them back on. He scrolls through the messages flicking through offers with a sudden resolve and he is determined to pick one randomly because he will not be that guy, sitting at home on a Friday night pathetically feeling sorry for himself.
Then he hears the echo of his name, coming from inside the house. The patio doors are wide open and he can see straight through the front door. He can see Kris, whose eyes are searching quickly across the house. He’s been out tonight, no doubt with Katy seeing as he is dressed in a suit, so unusual and yet so perfect for Kris. Adam watches him silently and Kris still hasn't seen him yet, removing his jacket and throwing it across the sofa, moving across the room, approaching the side doors that lead out to the pool. Adam feels his breath catch and it really is pathetic how one person can have such an effect on him.
Kris sees him finally, his eyes going wide and he is licking his lips, the bottom one catching between his teeth. Adam turns away, because it's just too fucking much to have Kris looking at him like that, looking at him like he knows exactly what he wants, that it’s what he came here for and how he knows he is going to get it. It's only a short time before he feels the warmth of Kris' hands on his shoulders, his tongue on his back licking at the drops of water falling down from his hair.
“You got my message then.”
He wants to say no, that he didn't get his damn message, but his phone is still in his hands, because he’s clutching onto it for dear life. He looks down at it, scrolling to read his new messages and there it is, the one he had been waiting for all fucking night, staring back at him. The words glare back at him, stating Kris is on his way. He hates that Kris just assumed he'd be here, that he knew Adam would just be waiting, and Adam can't figure out when things changed, when Kris became the one with all the power.
Adam can feel Kris' hands drifting lower now, warm fingers at the base of his back and it's almost impossible to think of anything else other than Kris' hands marking out his body, rubbing in the drops of water that still linger on his skin.
Kris lips are on his skin again, trailing kisses across his shoulders, teeth biting softly, and Adam wants to tell him to stop, that he actually has plans. But Kris' hands are moving around trailing across his stomach and down his navel, moving with such excruciating slowness that Adam can't fucking stand it. When he finally takes hold of Adam it’s still too slow, still not enough.
Kris' fingers tighten around his cock, his thumb brushing across the head working Adam exactly the way he knows he likes it, and god he wishes he was strong enough to deny him this, to push Kris away because he knows what the end of the evening will bring. They have been here so many times he’s lost count. He can already see Kris walking away from him... he can already feel the loneliness starting to creep in.
Kris' breath is warm on his neck, his voice close to Adam's ear. “Turn around.” There's not even a small chance that he won't, and when he does it’s with such a deliberate slowness that he can feel the irritation radiating from Kris, the need lingering, hot beneath his skin. Adam looks down at Kris and his eyes are everywhere, following his own hands as they move across Adam's body, curious, as though he is seeing Adam like this for the first time. He has learnt Kris’ moods well by now, and sometimes Kris wants it hard, fast and desperate. But sometimes, like now, he wants to take everything in, wants to really see Adam. There's always an intense look in Kris' eyes like he is trying to memorise every single thing about Adam's body, and it’s as if he is trying to mark Adam's skin whenever he runs his fingers across his body slowly.
It's the worst because in these moments it’s almost easy to believe that Kris wants more than just a quick fuck from Adam, almost easy to believe that way he looks at him is with such intense inexplicably irrevocable love instead of meaningless lust, and Adam has never craved something and hated it so much all at once.
He can feel Kris' lips across his chest now, hands on his waist, fingers digging in as Kris is lowering himself to the ground on his knees and taking Adam into his mouth. Again, everything is so slow. Kris’ cheeks hollow out as he takes more of Adam in his mouth, slowly working his way down a little more with each thrust of his head. Instinctively his fingers find their way into Kris' hair, tugging slightly and urging him on. He hears Kris moan around his cock and it takes everything he has not to just thrust into the willing mouth, and so he holds back, letting Kris set the pace, always letting Kris set the pace.
Kris’ fingers are on his thighs now, moving up massaging into the skin and Adam can feel his legs bucking as Kris works him all the way into his mouth and fuck Kris is too fucking good at this. After so many nights together, just the two of them, Adam showing him exactly what he likes, how to work his tongue, Kris is using it all now, knowing that he has the power to turn Adam into a quivering mess.
He feels Kris lips pull away from him. He’s completely hard now and Kris is licking his lips, staring at his cock like its best fucking thing he has ever seen, kissing the head and pumping it in one hand. Adam wants to see him now, he wants to see those eyes look back into his and it’s almost like Kris is reading his mind because he looks up at Adam, eyes wicked and wanting, his lips pouty and swollen and fuck it, he'll let Kris have his control back later but right now he wants those lips on his.
Adam pulls Kris up with a sudden harshness and crashes their lips together, tongue quickly darting into Kris' mouth. He can taste himself and it is blissful and obscene, but he doesn't fucking care because Kris' tongue is meeting his and it’s the most forceful any one of their kisses has ever been and it is driving him crazy. Kris' reaction is to lean in closer, pressing the full length of his body against Adam’s. He can feel Kris, already hard, pressing up against him, and that this is his way of telling Adam exactly what he wants.
They pull apart, Adam grabbing a fistful of Kris' shirt like he just wants to rip it off his body, but Kris is talking to him again, that damn commanding voice. “Lay down on the chair.”
Adam glances over Kris’ shoulder to the plastic garden furniture they had bought together, the memory of Kris sitting on one of them and bouncing up and down announcing that they seemed sturdy enough suddenly popping into his head. Adam is now wondering if this isn't some kind of sexual fantasy Kris has been planning for a while now.
He is moving quickly though, lying on his back obediently, the cushions on the chair cold against his skin, already knowing what Kris will want. Adam doesn't get embarrassed, and he is certainly not shy but sometimes, when Kris looks at him, like the way he is looking now, he feels like he is exposed in so many ways, like Kris is the only person who will ever really understand him, the only person who will know exactly what he needs before he even knows he needs it. And the feeling of loss is hitting him again, because he can see Kris walking away once it’s over, just like he always does.
Kris' eyes are wandering over his body, and he’s biting as his lip again, looking like someone who has no idea where to start and wants everything all at fucking once. His fingers are working slowly at the buttons on his shirt and Adam hates it when he does this because Kris knows how much Adam loves taking each piece of clothing off Kris slowly, fingers searching his perfect skin, trailing across his body. It’s not like that tonight and as his fingers reach out to take over what Kris has started, they are slapped away. Adam lets out a frustrated sigh, letting his hand wander down his own body instead, taking his cock in hand pumping it slowly.
“Fuck Adam.”
Adam smirks up at him, knowing such profanities from Kris are reserved only for moments like this. Adam can still remember the first time he heard Kris say the word fuck. He had Kris' cock down his throat, working it fast and hard, letting Kris practically fuck his face as he came in his mouth. Of course, Adam being the good friend that he was, told Kris that there would be much reprimanding for using such language.
Kris balls his shirt up in his hand before throwing it to the floor beside them, and then he is leaning over Adam, chest to chest, Kris' skin so fucking warm against Adam’s. He feels Kris’ hand rest over his own that is wrapped around his cock, both pumping his hard length together now and he knows Kris wants him to let go so he can take control back. Adam is willing... too willing. He wishes he had some kind of fight but where Kris Allen is concerned, he has resigned himself.
He wants Kris’ pants off like five minutes ago and he doesn't give a shit that Kris will probably hit his hands away. If it gets them closer to having Kris inside him all that much faster, then he is going to fucking well try. He manages to get the belt unbuckled before Kris is pulling away, and a whimper actually leaves his mouth, a fucking whimper at the loss of contact, yearning for the feel of Kris’ hands on him, and his hands reach out, desperate to pull him back.
“Impatient tonight aren't we?” There's a laugh at the end of the sentence that pisses Adam off. Something about the way Kris is taking some kind of pleasure in letting Adam suffer like this, and he wonders if maybe that's what gets Kris off, knowing that all night Adam has been here, waiting, wanting, thinking about this exact moment, and all of a sudden Adam is angry and strangely even more turned on than he was before.
Words are ready to leave his mouth but then Kris fingers are on his lips, pressing to get in and he opens his mouth willingly, sucking around them and making them wet, biting at Kris' fingertips before he releases them from his mouth.
Kris’ pants and boxers are pooled at his ankles now and he has his cock in his hand, pumping slowly. Adam licks his lips, wanting to lick at the liquid already forming at the head of it but Kris' thumb is already there, smearing the liquid in. He can feel the two wet fingers pushing into him now and he throws his head back against the chair, biting on his lip as Kris pushes into him with more force than usual. It doesn't seem to match Kris’ behaviour; he was expecting slow and shallow thrusts, but instead they’re deep and fast, not that he’s complaining because this isn't enough. It won't ever be enough, and he wants Kris inside him so badly right now it fucking hurts.
He feels Kris' fingers scissor inside him and a noise escapes him that he can’t imagine ever having been able to hold in. His eyes are tightly shut and he can't look at Kris, he can't admit that one look at that face hovering above his, watching him closely, taking in each twitch his body makes and the noises from his mouth, will bring this is all to an end. He doesn’t want this to end so soon. He wants to come with Kris buried inside him, to feel it throughout his entire body.
Kris’ fingers slide out and it’s literally seconds before the head of Kris cock is at his entrance, pushing in, and he wants it fast, just like how it was moments ago but Kris isn't relenting. He’s moving with an excruciating slowness and Adam can't even begin to fathom how he is managing it. He opens his eyes to look up at Kris and immediately regrets it, because Kris is smirking down at him, knowing that Adam wants it hard, but he isn't going to give in.
Adam can't look away now, not now that his eyes are locked on Kris', the two of them connected and bound in this moment, and Adam is pleading with his eyes, trying to shift his body down onto Kris' cock. But damn it, Kris is still in control, and for every movement he makes, Kris pulls out a little, so he gives up and just stares up at him waiting and watching as Kris enjoys the moment.
His fingers are trailing across Adam's chest, pulling at his nipples and resting on his stomach, slowly pushing into Adam a little more. Kris’ head falls back and Adam wants to lick his exposed neck, to bite down hard, marking it, but that goes against the rules. Such a long fucking list of rules, the main one being that Adam is not allowed to mark Kris, despite the fact that it’s the one thing he would fucking love to do the most, to be able to leave tiny bite marks all over Kris body, his favourite parts of Kris body, his hip bone, shoulder blades, his thighs, god, fucking everywhere if he could.
Kris leans his body forward and his cock slides in nearly all the way and Adam can't help but buck down against it. Finally Kris is all the way in, and Adam thinks that if he dare fucking pull out now, screw fucking control, he'll be throwing Kris down and riding his cock so hard he’ll see fucking stars. But whatever restraint Kris had before is gone now and he is moving, thrusting himself in and out of Adam's body, and it feels like he has been waiting for this for so long, that he could live off this feeling alone and be perfectly content.
Kris leans forward further still, pushing Adam's legs back, angling his body in a way that he hits the spot deep inside Adam that has him writhing underneath Kris' firm warm body. Their chests crash together as Kris moves again, wanting to lean closer and press his lips to Adam’s, and it is way more intense this way, having Kris so close, their lips meeting in soft wet kisses, their breaths mingling as they both cling to one another.
Kris is slowing down now, and Adam feels like he is pushing in even deeper if that's possible. One of Kris’ hands moves across his face, brushing away the stray black hair that has fallen over Adam' eyes. Kris has been saying for so long that he needs to get it cut, and the moment that passes now is so tender and beautiful that Adam feels like he might cry, because now Kris is leaning forward to kiss his eyelid, now uncovered where the hair had just been. Kris begins planting soft, achingly sweet kisses all across his face, nose, and chin, and it takes all he has to fight the tears that threaten to fall.
Adam's cock is now craving attention, the friction of being pressed against their stomachs suddenly not enough. He reaches his own hand down between them and pumps away quickly, and it’s slippery, hot, and fucking fantastic when every now and then Kris’ thrusts add even more to the friction.
He knows Kris is close, the shaky murmurs and the urgent increase in speed, the sound of Adam's name broken on his lips, he knows all he has to do is clench around Kris cock and this will all be over for him. So he does just that, watching as Kris' head arches back and his entire body tenses before coming deep inside Adam, and it’s enough for Adam, just seeing Kris so lost in blissful ecstasy that his own orgasm rides out, his own cock spilling out against his stomach.
Kris’ body collapses against his, not caring at all about the mess he is resting against. Adam wants to close his eyes and enjoy the moment, letting his clean fingers linger in Kris' hair, but it would only be part of the illusion and he has about thirty seconds before Kris begins pulling out of him, before this becomes just another fuck, another moment in time that’s simply come and gone.
Right on cue Kris is pulling away, his deflating cock slipping out of Adam. Adam watches him as Kris' eyes wander slowly across the mess that’s on Adam's stomach, hand and cock. He leans forward, that fucking smirk back on his face, and he is licking Adam clean, tongue trailing across his sensitive skin, wiping away every last drop.
He smiles warmly down at Adam, and Adam pulls him close. He wants to taste it, he wants to taste himself in Kris’ mouth before Kris pulls away again like he always fucking does and asks to use the bathroom to freshen up. He pulls Kris down on top of him, crushing their lips together and he expects it to be rough and frantic, because somehow that's what he needs it to be right now. But Kris is moving slowly, his tongue gliding along Adam's bottom lip, teasing him, pausing to dip languidly into his mouth before pulling away again, and Adam bites lightly against Kris’ lip, hoping it will catch Kris of guard so he can deepen the kiss further.
Tonight, like most nights, Kris finally relents, opening his mouth to welcome Adam’s. Kris’ hands are everywhere again, searching, exploring all of Adam's skin, taking breaks in between kisses, murmuring words like. “So fucking beautiful...” Adam just wishes he would shut the fuck up and stop saying things he doesn't mean, stop whispering words like that to him, especially when they both know full well what's going to happen next.
When they finally break apart, their breathing heavy, Kris’ eyes bore down into Adam's and there is no way Adam can break this. There is a heartache in those eyes that has never been there before, a deep feeling of regret that is new, or perhaps just something that he has been hiding so well for so long. Suddenly it's like something clicks inside Kris’ brain because he realises that Adam can see what he is feeling, and immediately the look is gone, replaced by something else, perhaps guilt.
The emptiness Adam feels when Kris pulls away is almost enough to make the tears fall, to release the sobs that have been threatening to come. He has played out so many scenarios in his head, seen himself begging Kris to stay, pleading with Kris to choose him. But he’s certain he won't be that guy, and he wonders if this, saying nothing at all, is any better. He'll let himself be used, he'll let his heart get broken, but he will never let himself ask Kris for that one thing he wants more than anything.
Kris is mumbling words and pulling up his pants, heading into the house like he always does. Adam knows that when Kris comes back, he'll smell like Adam's deodorant and the kiss goodbye will taste of toothpaste, masking any traces of Adam. It shouldn't hurt really, not anymore, not after so long. But still it does, as though a little piece of hope falls away with each kiss goodbye. He yearns for the day Kris will decide to walk out, his hair a mess, his belt still undone and the taste of Adam lingering in his mouth, but Adam fears that day will never come.
He gets up from the chair in Kris' absence and pulls on his clothes from earlier. He'll shower later, wash away another moment with Kris. He has to find ways to pre-occupy himself first though, to hold on for as long as he can to the scent of Kris still lingering on him.
“I have to go.”
He doesn't turn to look at Kris, knowing what he'll see, Kris with his shirt back on and his jacket in one hand, guilt written across his face as he stands in the doorway, unsure of what else to say. It’s all gotten so fucking predictable by now, and he wishes he knew what it was that kept pulling him back in, night after night.
Of course he knows. He can admit it, love has taken a hold of him, and its grip is unrelenting, suffocating him, making him suffer, giving him what he wants and who he wants and then snatching it away because that's what love is. A fucking punch in the stomach just when you think you’re happy, when you think everything is going the way you want it.
“I don't want to go. But I have to.”
Adam shrugs his shoulders and turns to look at Kris. He has said those words before and delivered them a lot better. Adam wonders when it will finally reach a point when there is no longer a need for them to have this conversation at all, no longer a need for this awkward goodbye. He wonders when the day will come that Kris will simply get up and leave, wordlessly, without so much as a backward glance. That will be easier, he thinks. He is willing that time upon them now, hoping it creeps up on him sooner than later.
Adam takes a deep breath and strides towards him, anticipating the goodbye kiss, the taste of toothpaste on his tongue. Except that it isn't there, it still tastes like him, and he pulls away quickly searching Kris’ face for clues, but those brown eyes are still closed and he is pulling Adam back in, clutching at his thick black hair, thrusting his tongue into Adam's mouth letting him know exactly what that taste is.
When they break away Kris' eyes are wide and his mouth is curved into a smile that Adam cannot remember seeing in a long time. It is one from so many years ago, from the first time they met, back when it was all innocent and simply friendship, or at least when he thought it was simple.
He didn't even realise he had missed it until right that fucking moment. And now he has no idea what the smile means, but there's a confirmation in Kris' eyes, like he’s trying to tell Adam everything with just one fucking look. There are so many questions he wants to ask but Kris is walking away, and this time, it feels different.
It's not like all the other times when Kris simply reached the door, never stopping to look back, just shutting it behind him softly. Now he’s lingering there, looking at Adam, the same gorgeous fucking smile spread across his face. It’s left Adam staggered, wanting to run after him, but Adam knows he doesn’t need to. He doesn't even understand how things have shifted so quickly but he knows Kris will be back, and it will be soon, that from this point things are going to be different.
He has no idea what's going to happen next, no idea what either of them are going to do but standing there looking at Kris, he can feel years of wondering turning into an understanding, that everything was leading to this moment. A natural progression just like everything else in their relationship, Kris has been waiting for this moment, waiting to be ready, to know he was strong enough to do this, to really be with Adam.
There's something in Kris' eyes, a confirmation of a promise that Kris is making him, that Kris is going to keep.
.