Fic: All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing (1/2)
Title: All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing (1/2)
Author: alyssand
Rating: Pg-13 for once
Pairing: Friendship only - Kradison.
Beta: none because i couldn't make anyone read this.
Word count: 2,240 ish
Disclaimer: No one except the events that follow belong to me. And even those events I regret to say belong to me. Well not TO me, but yeah you may get what I’m trying to say.
Warning: So this was written because I felt a need to write it. I am sad to say it isn’t happy and involves death so I really suggest not reading it if you hate death fics. It’s the 6-month anniversary of my friend’s death today and this is my way of dealing with it. The events as I wrote them are pretty much exactly the way things happened, and I probably cried buckets writing this but I couldn’t stop. I’m sorry if you don’t like it. This is told from Allison’s point of view because well, that was my point of view.
Allison opened her eyes slowly, taking in the darkness of the room around her. She glanced at the clock on her night stand, the blaring digits on the small screen telling her it was 6 o’clock in the morning. She frowned, wondering what had caused her to wake up this early. Her head spun a little as she sat up, recalling the events of the previous night. They’d had a barbeque night, just a small group of them. Nothing fancy apart from some home-made desserts and a couple of drink mixes. They had gotten slightly tipsy by the end of it and Adam had decided to crash on her floor for the night.
She turned to look at where Adam lay on the floor and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw the pair of eyes open wide, staring back at her.
“Jesus Christ Adam! What the hell is wrong with you?” she demanded, trying to calm her nerves.
Adam looked away for a second and she noticed his phone limp in his hands.
“Alli -” he began, his voice cracking for a second. Allison tensed, unsure of what words were about to leave his lips, but suddenly absolutely certain that whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. The words that came next knocked the wind out of her.
“Kris is gone.” He said tonelessly, staring at her, deadpan and emotionless. Allison suddenly felt the life drain from her.
Her mind went into overdrive and she opened her mouth, but words failed her. Surely she can’t have heard him correctly. Maybe it was just her drowsiness playing tricks on her mind. It had to be. She felt her chest constricting beneath her ribcage, her heartbeat thumping furiously, lungs struggling for air, and the only thing she could think of suddenly was that this was all just some sick joke.
“You-you’re kidding me. R-right?” she finally managed to choke out, looking down at Adam who was now staring down at his phone.
Adam looked up at her now, pain strewn across his face. “He’s gone, Allison, Kris is gone.”
No, no, no, no.This cannot be happening! She thought to herself, suddenly jumping out of bed to grab her phone. She saw the small envelope flashing in the top corner and held her breath, trying her hardest to keep from freaking out.
Fingers shaking, she read the message. It was from a number she didn’t recognise.
‘At 5.40am this morning, Kristopher Neil Allen passed on into the hands of the lord. Please pray for his soul and for his family members and friends in their time of need. Thank you to everyone who has lent their support and prayers. We love you all.’
Allison could have sworn then and there her heart stopped beating. This isn’t happening, she told herself. It was all so surreal. She had no idea what to feel all at once. Was she supposed to cry? Tears weren’t coming anyway. This can’t be real, she repeated to herself. She turned and stared at Adam, her mouth and eyes open in shock. He was watching her, his expression unreadable, and immediately her thoughts switched to Adam and how he must have been feeling. Kris was, after all, his best friend. The three of them had always been close but she knew that Kris and Adam would always have this unspoken deeper connection. She wasn’t sure what to do. It felt like time had come to a complete standstill and here they were, the two of them sitting in the darkness, stunned to silence.
--
Kris had been battling this cancer for an entire year now, and she had known in the last few weeks that things were looking really bad. But still she’d hoped for the best, praying constantly that Kris would get better, because Kris had to get better, it was the only thing that had made sense to her. She couldn’t possibly imagine them living their lives without Kris.
They had stopped being allowed to visit him in hospital in the last 2 weeks, and Kris had asked to spend more time with his family. Adam had been distraught at first, when Kris hadn’t wanted to see him. Kris had become embarrassed of his weak state, unable to do anything himself. "All I can do is keep breathing," he'd said one day, in a text message to Adam. It seemed the machines were doing everything else.
Adam had tried not to let it show much but Allison could tell how badly it was affecting him. He’d started smoking hell of a lot more than usual for someone who almost never smoked.
The last time the three of them had hung out was that picnic in the hospital room Allison had organized 3 weeks ago. Kris had been so happy to see them, trying his hardest to smile at everything despite the obvious pain he was in. Allison had arrived after Adam, and when she’d gotten to the room, Kris had not been in it. She’d found Adam sitting in the corner, curled up in the chair.
“He’s gone for more tests,” he had said, his voice breaking. Allison had run to him, flinging her arms around his neck. He’d held on tight, breathing her in, allowing himself to relax. “I’m so glad you’re here. I was going nuts sitting here by myself. I… I don’t think I could have handled being with him on my own today. It’s too hard.” She’d hugged him tighter and smiled weakly in return, holding up the containers of food she was holding. “I must warn you,” he’d continued, looking into her eyes. “The medications they’ve got him on are really making him bloat up.”
Kris had come back from the tests and Allison was extremely grateful for the warning when she managed to suppress the shock she felt on seeing Kris. His face was so round and bloated and he looked terribly different from the last time she’d seen him. But still, that curve of a smile was there on his face as he’d stared up into the faces of his two best friends. They’d sat there, eating and watching the tiny hospital television, talking about everything and anything, laughing together as though they hadn’t a care in the world.
Allison had stolen constant glances at Adam that day in the hospital ward, making sure her friend was alright. Kris on the other hand had seemed perfectly fine actually. He’d given her hope, not that she needed any. Adam had tried his best to keep that smile on his face, but Allison knew better. She could always see through it. He was hurting, badly. When they left the hospital she’d confronted him about it.
“What’s wrong Adam?” she asked, stared at him till he answered.
“It’s just… everything. I don’t know baby. Things with Drake at the moment are really just fucked up... Sorry,” he added, realizing he’d cursed.
She smiled. “I’m not a little kid Adam, you aren’t the only one that says the word fuck you know?”
“Yeah. Right. Well yeah... things with Drake, and then there’s Kris… I don’t even know what to do anymore Alli, I feel like I’m losing him, and it’s scaring the hell out of me. He’s gonna make it right? Tell me he’s gonna make it.”
Allison stared up at the grown man next to her. He suddenly looked like a little boy, lost and afraid. She put her arms around his waist and pulled him in tight. “I know it’s gonna be alright. Kris has to be alright.” She murmured into his chest before looking up into his eyes. “He will be alright Adam, just you wait and see. Before you know it he’ll be back with us, recording and performing and doing all the things he loves.”
--
Now here they were, three weeks later, sitting in the darkness of what Allison thought had to be the worst day of her life. She felt lost, bewildered, cold, and numb, clueless as to why she was feeling the way she was. Perhaps, she thought to herself, the reality of it all hadn’t sunk in yet. Adam was still silent, staring off into the distance. She wasn’t sure how to approach him, so she got up and went to shower and brush her teeth, hoping that by the time she came back she’d know what to say.
Things didn’t get much better the rest of the day. Adam had received a text from Katy about where the service was going to be that night. The thought of Kris’ body lying in a coffin, the thought of seeing Kris’ face, lifeless, it just scared the hell out of Allison. The rest of the day went by painfully slowly, the both of them receiving numerous text messages from friends asking them if it was true, whether they were okay, wanting to know what happened. It was too much for Allison. She shut off her phone after a while, but Adam kept his switched on.
“Just in case,” he had said when Allison asked. She wasn’t sure what it was in case of, but she chose not to broach the subject further.
They’d both gone about the rest of the day in some sort of daze, neither really saying much, just being there for each other. Her mother gave her the day off to be with Adam, and so there she was, sitting with Adam on his balcony, as he smoked one cigarette after another. She frowned, not wanting to upset him, but at the same time needing to say something about it.
“You really shouldn’t, you know.” She spoke timidly, glancing at Adam out of the corner of her eye. He sighed in return and put out the light. He sat there for awhile, staring out into the distance again. After a couple of moments he finally spoke.
“I just can’t believe he’s gone.”
“I know Adam, me neither. I think… I think it hasn’t hit me yet, y’know?”
“I know baby, I know. I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I suppose you're right, it hasn’t fully sunk in.”
“What time is the thing later?”
“Not too sure, Katy told me it was at five at first, but now I hear it’s been pushed to seven.”
“Oh, okay then.” Allison wasn’t sure what else to say. Adam was sitting there, nodding to himself.
“Drake will meet us there,” he said absently, looking at his phone.
“Kay,” she replied, closing her eyes as she felt the breeze blow by.
That night, they sat in silence at the back of the taxi on their way to the service. Adam sat between Allison and Drake, his left hand squeezing Allison's, his right one in Drake's. The closer they got to the place, the tighter his grip on Allison's hand got. The taxi driver after a moment turned to ask Adam where exactly the place was and Allison stared at him in shock. None of them had ever been there before. "Fuck," Adam swore under his breath, his eyes clearly prickling with tears. "I can't believe I'm going to be late for my best friend's wake." Allison ran her free hand soothingly across Adam's strained white knuckles, calming him down. After a couple of wrong turns the taxi driver finally managed to find the place. Drake pushed Adam out the door after Allison, insisting on paying the driver.
As they approached the function room, they saw a whole crowd of people. Too many people. Allison suddenly realized how bad this night was going to get. This was it. The reality was going to sink in… hard. She was walking down the slope towards the big wooden doors of the place, her hand in Adam’s, his other hand in Drake’s. Together the three of them walked towards the crowd of people. Everyone standing around outside turned around as they approached, and Allison could see their faces lined with pity and sadness as they saw the three walking towards them.
Suddenly the reached level ground and the room came into full view. They could barely see into the place with all the people crowding it, but the closer they got to the bottom of the slope, the thicker the lump in her throat got. It was getting very, very real all of a sudden and she didn’t know what to do. When they reached the end of the slope, the room in sight just at the end of the corridor, she felt Adam squeeze her hand. She tried to stay strong for the both of them, but it was getting harder and harder. She was feeling like her heart was about to burst. It was hurting so much she didn’t know if she could take it much longer.
She heard a sniffle and turned to Adam, knowing this was even harder for him than it was for her. She then realized Adam wasn’t even looking ahead of them, his eyes instead focused on the ground. He looked scared, and Allison understood. If he looked now, he would see all those people there, and it would mean… it would mean that all this was real, and that Kris was really, truly, gone.
That was the final straw for her, and before she realized it the tears were pouring down her face and she was clinging to Adam, her body shaking uncontrollably, wracked with sobs.
“I don’t think I… I…” she tried to say, pulling away from Adam.
She felt a wet drop on her arm and she looked up to see tears streaming silently down Adam’s face. She looked at Drake pleading with him to do something and Adam turned around to look at him. Drake immediately held him tight, rubbing his back gently as Adam quietly sobbed into his boyfriend’s neck. “I can’t… I can’t…” he stammered out, his chest heaving even more with the struggle to speak. “This is not… I…” he couldn’t continue his sentence, far too overwhelmed. Drake gently shushed him, running a thumb across Adam’s cheek, brushing away the tears. He kissed away a stray tear and murmured softly, “It’s okay baby, I’m here, it’s okay, you can do this. We’re all here… I love you.”
The sight made Allison sob even harder, suddenly feeling like she couldn’t breathe, she stepped to the side, clutching the wall for support, suddenly afraid her legs would give way. She tried to breathe, but it was too hard, and she gasped for air, trying to free the tightness in her lungs. Her heart… her heart was exploding in pain and it was unbearable. She finally understood that the term ‘heartache’ was not just a figure of speech. She jumped as she felt a hand on her arm and turned around to see Katy standing there, her eyes red and puffy, arms outstretched. The two girls stood there, clinging to each other, crying for the loss of the man they both loved.
--
Author: alyssand
Rating: Pg-13 for once
Pairing: Friendship only - Kradison.
Beta: none because i couldn't make anyone read this.
Word count: 2,240 ish
Disclaimer: No one except the events that follow belong to me. And even those events I regret to say belong to me. Well not TO me, but yeah you may get what I’m trying to say.
Warning: So this was written because I felt a need to write it. I am sad to say it isn’t happy and involves death so I really suggest not reading it if you hate death fics. It’s the 6-month anniversary of my friend’s death today and this is my way of dealing with it. The events as I wrote them are pretty much exactly the way things happened, and I probably cried buckets writing this but I couldn’t stop. I’m sorry if you don’t like it. This is told from Allison’s point of view because well, that was my point of view.
Allison opened her eyes slowly, taking in the darkness of the room around her. She glanced at the clock on her night stand, the blaring digits on the small screen telling her it was 6 o’clock in the morning. She frowned, wondering what had caused her to wake up this early. Her head spun a little as she sat up, recalling the events of the previous night. They’d had a barbeque night, just a small group of them. Nothing fancy apart from some home-made desserts and a couple of drink mixes. They had gotten slightly tipsy by the end of it and Adam had decided to crash on her floor for the night.
She turned to look at where Adam lay on the floor and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw the pair of eyes open wide, staring back at her.
“Jesus Christ Adam! What the hell is wrong with you?” she demanded, trying to calm her nerves.
Adam looked away for a second and she noticed his phone limp in his hands.
“Alli -” he began, his voice cracking for a second. Allison tensed, unsure of what words were about to leave his lips, but suddenly absolutely certain that whatever it was, it couldn’t be good. The words that came next knocked the wind out of her.
“Kris is gone.” He said tonelessly, staring at her, deadpan and emotionless. Allison suddenly felt the life drain from her.
Her mind went into overdrive and she opened her mouth, but words failed her. Surely she can’t have heard him correctly. Maybe it was just her drowsiness playing tricks on her mind. It had to be. She felt her chest constricting beneath her ribcage, her heartbeat thumping furiously, lungs struggling for air, and the only thing she could think of suddenly was that this was all just some sick joke.
“You-you’re kidding me. R-right?” she finally managed to choke out, looking down at Adam who was now staring down at his phone.
Adam looked up at her now, pain strewn across his face. “He’s gone, Allison, Kris is gone.”
No, no, no, no.This cannot be happening! She thought to herself, suddenly jumping out of bed to grab her phone. She saw the small envelope flashing in the top corner and held her breath, trying her hardest to keep from freaking out.
Fingers shaking, she read the message. It was from a number she didn’t recognise.
‘At 5.40am this morning, Kristopher Neil Allen passed on into the hands of the lord. Please pray for his soul and for his family members and friends in their time of need. Thank you to everyone who has lent their support and prayers. We love you all.’
Allison could have sworn then and there her heart stopped beating. This isn’t happening, she told herself. It was all so surreal. She had no idea what to feel all at once. Was she supposed to cry? Tears weren’t coming anyway. This can’t be real, she repeated to herself. She turned and stared at Adam, her mouth and eyes open in shock. He was watching her, his expression unreadable, and immediately her thoughts switched to Adam and how he must have been feeling. Kris was, after all, his best friend. The three of them had always been close but she knew that Kris and Adam would always have this unspoken deeper connection. She wasn’t sure what to do. It felt like time had come to a complete standstill and here they were, the two of them sitting in the darkness, stunned to silence.
--
Kris had been battling this cancer for an entire year now, and she had known in the last few weeks that things were looking really bad. But still she’d hoped for the best, praying constantly that Kris would get better, because Kris had to get better, it was the only thing that had made sense to her. She couldn’t possibly imagine them living their lives without Kris.
They had stopped being allowed to visit him in hospital in the last 2 weeks, and Kris had asked to spend more time with his family. Adam had been distraught at first, when Kris hadn’t wanted to see him. Kris had become embarrassed of his weak state, unable to do anything himself. "All I can do is keep breathing," he'd said one day, in a text message to Adam. It seemed the machines were doing everything else.
Adam had tried not to let it show much but Allison could tell how badly it was affecting him. He’d started smoking hell of a lot more than usual for someone who almost never smoked.
The last time the three of them had hung out was that picnic in the hospital room Allison had organized 3 weeks ago. Kris had been so happy to see them, trying his hardest to smile at everything despite the obvious pain he was in. Allison had arrived after Adam, and when she’d gotten to the room, Kris had not been in it. She’d found Adam sitting in the corner, curled up in the chair.
“He’s gone for more tests,” he had said, his voice breaking. Allison had run to him, flinging her arms around his neck. He’d held on tight, breathing her in, allowing himself to relax. “I’m so glad you’re here. I was going nuts sitting here by myself. I… I don’t think I could have handled being with him on my own today. It’s too hard.” She’d hugged him tighter and smiled weakly in return, holding up the containers of food she was holding. “I must warn you,” he’d continued, looking into her eyes. “The medications they’ve got him on are really making him bloat up.”
Kris had come back from the tests and Allison was extremely grateful for the warning when she managed to suppress the shock she felt on seeing Kris. His face was so round and bloated and he looked terribly different from the last time she’d seen him. But still, that curve of a smile was there on his face as he’d stared up into the faces of his two best friends. They’d sat there, eating and watching the tiny hospital television, talking about everything and anything, laughing together as though they hadn’t a care in the world.
Allison had stolen constant glances at Adam that day in the hospital ward, making sure her friend was alright. Kris on the other hand had seemed perfectly fine actually. He’d given her hope, not that she needed any. Adam had tried his best to keep that smile on his face, but Allison knew better. She could always see through it. He was hurting, badly. When they left the hospital she’d confronted him about it.
“What’s wrong Adam?” she asked, stared at him till he answered.
“It’s just… everything. I don’t know baby. Things with Drake at the moment are really just fucked up... Sorry,” he added, realizing he’d cursed.
She smiled. “I’m not a little kid Adam, you aren’t the only one that says the word fuck you know?”
“Yeah. Right. Well yeah... things with Drake, and then there’s Kris… I don’t even know what to do anymore Alli, I feel like I’m losing him, and it’s scaring the hell out of me. He’s gonna make it right? Tell me he’s gonna make it.”
Allison stared up at the grown man next to her. He suddenly looked like a little boy, lost and afraid. She put her arms around his waist and pulled him in tight. “I know it’s gonna be alright. Kris has to be alright.” She murmured into his chest before looking up into his eyes. “He will be alright Adam, just you wait and see. Before you know it he’ll be back with us, recording and performing and doing all the things he loves.”
--
Now here they were, three weeks later, sitting in the darkness of what Allison thought had to be the worst day of her life. She felt lost, bewildered, cold, and numb, clueless as to why she was feeling the way she was. Perhaps, she thought to herself, the reality of it all hadn’t sunk in yet. Adam was still silent, staring off into the distance. She wasn’t sure how to approach him, so she got up and went to shower and brush her teeth, hoping that by the time she came back she’d know what to say.
Things didn’t get much better the rest of the day. Adam had received a text from Katy about where the service was going to be that night. The thought of Kris’ body lying in a coffin, the thought of seeing Kris’ face, lifeless, it just scared the hell out of Allison. The rest of the day went by painfully slowly, the both of them receiving numerous text messages from friends asking them if it was true, whether they were okay, wanting to know what happened. It was too much for Allison. She shut off her phone after a while, but Adam kept his switched on.
“Just in case,” he had said when Allison asked. She wasn’t sure what it was in case of, but she chose not to broach the subject further.
They’d both gone about the rest of the day in some sort of daze, neither really saying much, just being there for each other. Her mother gave her the day off to be with Adam, and so there she was, sitting with Adam on his balcony, as he smoked one cigarette after another. She frowned, not wanting to upset him, but at the same time needing to say something about it.
“You really shouldn’t, you know.” She spoke timidly, glancing at Adam out of the corner of her eye. He sighed in return and put out the light. He sat there for awhile, staring out into the distance again. After a couple of moments he finally spoke.
“I just can’t believe he’s gone.”
“I know Adam, me neither. I think… I think it hasn’t hit me yet, y’know?”
“I know baby, I know. I don’t really know what I’m feeling right now. I suppose you're right, it hasn’t fully sunk in.”
“What time is the thing later?”
“Not too sure, Katy told me it was at five at first, but now I hear it’s been pushed to seven.”
“Oh, okay then.” Allison wasn’t sure what else to say. Adam was sitting there, nodding to himself.
“Drake will meet us there,” he said absently, looking at his phone.
“Kay,” she replied, closing her eyes as she felt the breeze blow by.
That night, they sat in silence at the back of the taxi on their way to the service. Adam sat between Allison and Drake, his left hand squeezing Allison's, his right one in Drake's. The closer they got to the place, the tighter his grip on Allison's hand got. The taxi driver after a moment turned to ask Adam where exactly the place was and Allison stared at him in shock. None of them had ever been there before. "Fuck," Adam swore under his breath, his eyes clearly prickling with tears. "I can't believe I'm going to be late for my best friend's wake." Allison ran her free hand soothingly across Adam's strained white knuckles, calming him down. After a couple of wrong turns the taxi driver finally managed to find the place. Drake pushed Adam out the door after Allison, insisting on paying the driver.
As they approached the function room, they saw a whole crowd of people. Too many people. Allison suddenly realized how bad this night was going to get. This was it. The reality was going to sink in… hard. She was walking down the slope towards the big wooden doors of the place, her hand in Adam’s, his other hand in Drake’s. Together the three of them walked towards the crowd of people. Everyone standing around outside turned around as they approached, and Allison could see their faces lined with pity and sadness as they saw the three walking towards them.
Suddenly the reached level ground and the room came into full view. They could barely see into the place with all the people crowding it, but the closer they got to the bottom of the slope, the thicker the lump in her throat got. It was getting very, very real all of a sudden and she didn’t know what to do. When they reached the end of the slope, the room in sight just at the end of the corridor, she felt Adam squeeze her hand. She tried to stay strong for the both of them, but it was getting harder and harder. She was feeling like her heart was about to burst. It was hurting so much she didn’t know if she could take it much longer.
She heard a sniffle and turned to Adam, knowing this was even harder for him than it was for her. She then realized Adam wasn’t even looking ahead of them, his eyes instead focused on the ground. He looked scared, and Allison understood. If he looked now, he would see all those people there, and it would mean… it would mean that all this was real, and that Kris was really, truly, gone.
That was the final straw for her, and before she realized it the tears were pouring down her face and she was clinging to Adam, her body shaking uncontrollably, wracked with sobs.
“I don’t think I… I…” she tried to say, pulling away from Adam.
She felt a wet drop on her arm and she looked up to see tears streaming silently down Adam’s face. She looked at Drake pleading with him to do something and Adam turned around to look at him. Drake immediately held him tight, rubbing his back gently as Adam quietly sobbed into his boyfriend’s neck. “I can’t… I can’t…” he stammered out, his chest heaving even more with the struggle to speak. “This is not… I…” he couldn’t continue his sentence, far too overwhelmed. Drake gently shushed him, running a thumb across Adam’s cheek, brushing away the tears. He kissed away a stray tear and murmured softly, “It’s okay baby, I’m here, it’s okay, you can do this. We’re all here… I love you.”
The sight made Allison sob even harder, suddenly feeling like she couldn’t breathe, she stepped to the side, clutching the wall for support, suddenly afraid her legs would give way. She tried to breathe, but it was too hard, and she gasped for air, trying to free the tightness in her lungs. Her heart… her heart was exploding in pain and it was unbearable. She finally understood that the term ‘heartache’ was not just a figure of speech. She jumped as she felt a hand on her arm and turned around to see Katy standing there, her eyes red and puffy, arms outstretched. The two girls stood there, clinging to each other, crying for the loss of the man they both loved.
--