Fic: Blind, Chapter 14
Title: Blind
Author: ktwrites
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Disclaimer: I own not. Happen did not (to them).
Summary: Kris and Adam hit a disconnect
Rating: R for language and subject matter
A/N: If you're just tuning in and would like to catch up but don't know how, please click the author's tag at the bottom of this post (that's the link that says author:ktwrites ;) )
***This chapter wrecked me. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful supportive comments about the turn of events in this tale, and for all the love you've shown me all through the fic. I love you guys, and your comments mean so much to me! Please let me hear from you <3 (yes, I am shamelessly begging for comments. And?)
~Start~
Adam slid down the wall and hit the floor with a thud. He laughed dangerously, thinking about what a fool he’d been. So stupid, he told himself. Knew it was too soon. He continued his mirthless laughter as he peeled off the plastic around the neck of the second bottle of vodka. His head wobbled as he bobbed it in time to the countless phrases running through his head like a pinball in a psychotic machine…
I needed to talk to someone, you were the first person I thought of. Seriously man, you always know what to say to make me feel better…
Ding.
Will you come inside for a minute, Adam? I’d like to talk to you...
Ding.
I thought I had shaken you off, but you went deeper inside of me, into a place in my heart that I didn’t know existed until today. And you’ve been there all along…
Tilt.
Don’t you know I don’t care what people think? I’ve been blind to all of that since the beginning, totally blind…
Ding.
Adam, I love you. That’s never going to change. We’ve already wasted three years of our lives, I don’t want to waste anymore! I want you, no one but you, for the rest of my life. Let’s make a home together…
Triple score.
It’s amazing how fast everything’s coming to me. I wish I had my guitar. It’s like the words and the chords are coming so fast I can barely write them down…
Ding.
It’s all happening the way it’s supposed to happen, Adam. I told you. She was what was coming…
Lost ball.
Adam’s laughter strangled as sobs choked him.
“Kris. Kris. Kris. KRIS. KRIS. KRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS!” He bounced his head off the wall with each repetition of the name that was uttered with more despondency and desperation than the one before. Adam swung his fists out at the air in an attempt to fight off the pain that was raining on him like a deluge. The cry that issued from him was one part human, but several parts animal, alien and something far darker, even demonic. For Adam was in hell. On the day that Kris had told him that he was trading him for Katy, Kris had sent him straight to the fires of damnation. He’d been there for eleven days. He hadn’t eaten anything but peanut butter and jelly and he didn’t think he’d really slept at all, except for the fitful blackouts he fell into that he woke from, screaming, having seen Kris and having had him ripped away from him again. He was beginning to understand the state Kris had been in when he left him. But on that day, to Adam, Kris had seemed coherent, confident even.
Maybe, Adam thought, he had gone home and slept for 16 hours and had woken up and realized he had been wrong about it all. How had it happened? Had he called her and told her to come home? What were they doing now? Were they there at his house, picking up where they left off? Were they going home to Arkansas to tell their parents that they were back together? What the fuck did that make him? Was he just Kris’ little gay halftime show? Is that all he’d been to Kris? Damnit, he swore that Kris had been sincere, he’d been there, he’d heard the words from Kris’ mouth, shared a bed with him, made love with him. He just couldn’t understand how it had happened. And Kris’ eyes that day - they had not been the warm, limpid pools of soft chocolate that Adam had loved, they had been cold and hard as iron, glassy as shiny vinyl.
Adam cried out again, tugging at the collar of his t-shirt and bringing the material up to hide his face. He shook his head under the shirt and cackled through his tears. He was half-deranged from the combination of the pain and the alcohol.
“I’m going slightly mad,” he crooned, drunkenly, brokenly, heartbreakingly. “It finally happened, happened. I’m slightly mad…”
Adam slumped further down the wall and brought the bottle up to his lips again. A montage of memories of Kris’ face in a thousand different expressions assaulted Adam and he flinched violently, clutching at his hair and instinctively covering his head. There was nowhere he could go, there was nothing he could do to make it stop. He remembered a time when he’d loved the fact that Kris was so in his head that it made him half crazy. Now he understood the danger of letting someone get that close.
“The fucking problem with soulmates,” he slurred to no one in particular, “is that one isn’t any goddamn good without the other.”
He thought he’d suffered with Drake. That was trifling compared to what he was feeling now. Every day he went through a similar scenario, and every day he was sure he’d hit his breaking point, but instead of settling on the bottom, he continued to sink. He was in a freefall down a dark, endless abyss and the one person who could stop it was lost to him forever.
Adam rose unsteadily to his feet, placing his hand on the wall to steady himself, and walked with slumped shoulders to the bathroom, vodka bottle dangling in his hand. He stumbled and leaned into the wall, and his face sagged as if a weight were attached to his cheeks.
He relieved himself in the bathroom and then inspected his reflection in the mirror. Reddish stubble covered his chin and jaw, his light-colored roots were beginning to show just slightly, his face was red and paunchy, but his eyes were what distressed him the most. It was like he wasn’t there. The once piercing and enlivened blue was now flat as a sea at dead calm. The more he looked at himself, the less he recognized himself and the feeling was as distorting and disorienting as looking in a funhouse mirror. The most disheartening thing was that he didn’t care. All of his adult life he had taken great pains to keep up his appearance, he was proud to be a gorgeous, glamorous rock-god. But now, as far as he was concerned, they could take it all. Take the platinum records, the Grammies, the money, the house, the cars, the fame, the fancy clothes, the Glambert style - take it all. He’d gladly trade it all for just one more day with Kris.
“Yeah, you think you’re such a fucking hard ass. Look at you. You’d take him back in a second if he would only call.” He addressed his reflection. He wiped a disgusted hand over the mirror as if he could erase his appearance and flipped the light off on his way out.
He meandered his way into the living room, stopping halfway to guzzle again from the neck of the bottle. He sank into the couch and put the vodka on the end table. He sat with his elbows braced on his thighs and put his head in his hands. If only there were some way to get away from it. When he’d broken up with Drake, he’d grieved, but within a couple of days, he had been back at work, and while that hadn’t fully made the pain go away, it had helped. But Adam knew it was pointless in this situation, so he didn’t even want to try. The day after Kris had left him, he’d walked into the office of one of the studio execs and told them in no uncertain terms that he was taking some time off and that he didn’t give a shit how far back that pushed the release date of the album. He was willing to pull every pampered-rock-star-diva card he had in this case. He just wanted to be at home to dance with Kris’ ghost, because even though he was gone, Adam’s memories of him haunted him in every room he occupied.
Adam sighed disconnectedly and reached for the remote. He settled back into the couch and propped his feet on the coffee table. He reached sideways and captured the bottle again, taking a long pull on it. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and watched through swollen eyes as the channels flipped before him. He gasped when he stopped on one and saw Kris’ face smiling back. He winced and almost changed it, but something the reporter was saying caught his attention. The image switched to a live feed showing Kris and Katy leaving Cedars-Sinai amongst a throng of reporters. What was that the anchor had just said? An 11-day stay in the psych unit? Unconfirmed reports of a mental illness diagnosis? Adam sat up straighter and tried to focus on what he was seeing and hearing. He was at a loss, he’d consumed too much alcohol in the last week and a half and now his mind was really spinning. Kris had been on a psych unit. There were rumors of mental illness. So that meant…maybe…
He didn’t want to get his hopes up. Even if Kris had a mental illness, that didn’t mean that he didn’t mean what he’d said that day. But he’d been so peculiar…maybe an illness could explain why he’d called her. If he’d been in some kind of delusional state, maybe he would have done something that unexplainable. Adam sat back and ran a hand over his hair and then down his face, pulling down at his mouth. What should he do? Should he call Kris? No. Absolutely not. But if he was sick, if he’d been in the hospital…
No. He’d wait for Kris to call him. If Kris was sick when he made the decision, then once he was well he’d want to set it straight. And Adam would listen. No matter what he’d said that day, he knew he would listen, and he would forgive him everything if what he’d done he’d done because he was sick.
**
As soon as they reached the car and Katy had given the driver the address, Kris reminded her that he wanted to talk to Adam. He’d been asking about Adam all week and no one had really given him any answers. They all just side-stepped the question and asked him about his wife. Ex-wife, he’d always reminded them. It wasn’t that he didn’t remember everything that had happened; every bizarre detail of his delusions haunted him, but nothing more so than the fact that he’d shunned and hurt Adam by choosing his ex-wife over him. As crazy as it seemed, Kris hadn’t been able to find a way to contact him from the psych unit. In the age of cell phones, hardly anyone had people’s numbers memorized, and Katy had said she couldn’t find his cell at home. The nurses couldn’t help him locate Adam’s number because it was, of course, unlisted.
Katy had finally found his phone in an unused drawer in the office (he had no idea what it was doing there) the morning before she came to pick Kris up. Kris just wanted to get home and call Adam, but Katy wasn’t so sure. She reminded him about what the doctor had said about taking it easy and avoiding stress. Katy wanted him to rest for the next couple of days. She said maybe she could call Adam and they would have a chat. Kris nodded his head and leaned it back against the cool leather of the headrest. The medications they’d put him on left him feeling fuzzy-headed and tired, flat and emotionless. Things were still just the slightest bit confusing. Maybe it would be easier to have Katy call Adam. He was pretty sure that she understood that they would not be getting back together, and he thought the fact that she was willing to help patch things up with Adam showed what a wonderful woman she was. He’d always known she was special.
**
Adam was working himself into a state. He’d capped the vodka, taken a lukewarm shower and put on a pot of coffee, and was feeling a little more alert. Ever since the idea had gotten into his head, he hadn’t been able to shake it. He reasoned that since Kris had just gotten out of the hospital, he probably wasn’t up to taking calls. He could still be feeling the symptoms of his illness and would want to rest, and therefore would probably have his phone off. Adam could just call and leave a message, just let him know that he was thinking of him and hoping that he got well soon. But would that be pathetic? He sighed. He just didn’t know. He didn’t know what the protocol was for extending the man who’d broken your heart well wishes after getting out of the psych unit, if there even was a protocol for such a thing. But, if anything, it would show that he hadn’t meant what he’d said, that under the circumstances, he was willing to work things out. His mind was still clouded by too much alcohol. He didn’t know what to do.
He paced while he thought. His gut was telling him to call. He remembered when Kris had invited him inside that day so many months ago, how he’d reacted according to his emotions, listened to his gut, and it had turned out to be the best thing he could do. And generally speaking, in every situation where he was conflicted, listening to his core instinct usually guided him to the right decision.
He’d make the call.
Adam pushed the number one button on his phone, where Kris’ number was stored under speed dial. He held his breath as it rang once, twice, three times and then unexpectedly was answered at the beginning of the fourth ring. Nothing could have prepared Adam for the voice he heard on the other end.
“Hello, Adam,” Katy answered, sedately.
Adam blinked and pulled the phone from his ear, seconds from hanging up, when he heard Katy say, “Adam? Adam? Are you there?”
He shook his head at the fucking irony and hesitantly put the phone back to his ear. Katy Allen was the last person he wanted to talk to right now, but given the situation, he would endure it in order to get to Kris. He fervently hoped that Katy was still only around to help out, and that once they got this all straightened out, she would go back to Arkansas and Adam would be left to take care of Kris. He needed to be able to be a part of this with Kris, he needed to hold him and help him and walk this road with him. Helping Kris find his way to healing would be Adam’s healing as well.
“Yeah, I’m here. I, uh…I was actually calling to…um…well, I saw this news report and I just wanted to… and I figured his phone would be off, so I was gonna…I just wanted to…to leave a message,” he finished feebly.
“Yes, unfortunately Kris’ situation got leaked to the press. They were waiting for us when we left,” she sighed, “as if Kris needs anything else to worry about.”
“What is,” Adam swallowed the thickness gathering in his throat, “the situation?”
Katy paused. “You know, Adam, I’m not sure Kris really wants to share that information with you.”
Adam was nodding.
“Adam?”
“I’m nodding,” he said, with a sigh. “Look, Katy, I’m not sure how much you’ve gotten to talk to Kris, but he and I…were…we are, we were….very close. I’m not sure he would mind if you shared that information with me.”
Katy paused again. “Yes, you’ve always been close friends, and I’m aware of the…relationship you had for the past several months. Adam -“ she suddenly broke off, “just let me go into the other room. Kris is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him.”
Adam waited with a pounding heart on the other end of the phone.
“OK,” Katy began when she’d returned, “the day I came home, Kris was behaving very strangely-“
“He’d been strange for over a week. He wasn’t sleeping, he was all hyped up. I thought it was insomnia. I tried to talk him into seeing a doctor.”
“Yes, well, people that are in the state he was in are very stubborn and easily agitated when pressed to do things they don’t want to do. Anyway,” she continued, “his odd behavior escalated as the night went on. He was talking to people that weren’t there, he believed we were dead and getting ready to make a trip into eternal life, he was seeing angels that obviously weren’t there. Basically, he had a full psychotic break from reality. He was so out of control in the hospital that they had to hold him down and drug him in order to get him upstairs. I had to sign the papers to have him committed since he wouldn’t go on his own free will.”
Adam hung his head and tears immediately began to form. Kris, Kris, Kris, he thought, my baby, I should have been with you. But part of him was strangely comforted. Now that he knew for sure that Kris had been ill, he knew that there was a chance that they could make things right.
“What caused the break?” Adam finally asked, through his tears.
“An acute episode of mania,” Katy exhaled heavily.
“Mania? As in, bipolar? Kris isn’t bipolar,” Adam scoffed.
“Apparently he is. The doctor explained that mental illnesses typically show up in late adolescence to early adulthood. He said that major life changes, big stressors can trigger episodes.”
“But Kris isn’t moody. He’s never been down a day in his life!” Adam exclaimed.
“Adam, you haven’t known him as long as I have. There have been some subtle signs,” she said, a little irritated, “Anyway, Kris’ bipolar is referred to as type 1. They informed me that it’s actually not all that uncommon for people with his type of bipolar to become psychotic if the mania is left untreated for too long. They’ve warned me that he will most likely have a rebounding depression, as is the nature of the illness, but they’ve put him on a fair amount of medication to try their best to avoid that. So, anyway, at least I’ll know what warning signs to look for in the future.”
Adam cleared his throat. “Katy. This is kind of uncomfortable. More than kind of. But don’t you mean I’ll know what to look for in the future? I mean…Kris didn’t really want to be with you if he was psychotic when he made the choice. You heard him, he thought you were sent to him as some kind of messenger or something. He’s in love with me. I love him more than anything. I’m going to spend my life watching over him.” Adam’s voice was forceful, but it was bordering on the line of hysteria. He had to make her understand. He knew Kris would want him back. Kris needed him.
Katy paused for what seemed like a lifetime. “Adam,” she said softly, almost chidingly, and then paused again for several more moments. “I don’t know how to say this. You know I love you, we’ve all been good friends for years. Kris told me, in the hospital…you don’t know how much I blame myself for all of this. If I wouldn’t have left him, I wouldn’t have triggered all of this in him. I know you hate me, and I’m so sorry. Kris is so sorry. He just asked me to call you today when we got home because he didn’t feel he had the strength to do it. He told me when he was in the hospital that…that he thought that your relationship was part of the early stages of the mania. They call it hypomania. It can make you do things that you ordinarily wouldn’t do. You wouldn’t necessarily even notice that someone is hypomanic, not like with full-blown mania, they would just seem more happy, in love with life, maybe in love with someone that they would never be with if they weren’t sick. He’s so incredibly sorry, and so am I, but…he realizes it was a blessing from God that I came back when I did. He wants me to stay. Actually, we’ll be going home to Arkansas, where we can be near his parents while he recuperates. Adam…I…I’m truly sorry…”
Katy continued but Adam couldn’t hear anything over the roaring in his head. Kris thought it was all a lie. All the time they’d spent together, all the love they’d made together, all the plans they’d dreamed together, it was all fake. Not only did Adam have to mourn losing Kris, now he had to contend with the fact that everything he’d thought they had was in his head only. His hand dropped away from his ear and the phone slipped out of his grip, clattering to the floor. Adam’s head swirled and he trembled visibly. He looked around, disoriented, searching for something he would not find - comfort. Adam put his hands to his head, wailed, and dropped to his knees while the familiar sights of Kris’ face swirled around him. He leaned forward and banged his head on the floor, cursing himself for ever letting himself hope. He clawed at his stomach and howled, then finally ended up prostrate on the floor.
Adam thought if he died at that moment he wouldn’t be sorry at all.
**
Kris awoke groggy and disoriented. I’m at home now, he reminded himself. He didn’t know how he was going to deal with this bipolar stuff. The doctors had told him that as long as he took his meds, he should be fine. They really stressed how important it was to stay on the meds, even if they made him feel funny at first. They had assured him that people who had the illness that had once been very high functioning usually returned to that level with the proper medication. They had warned him, however, that finding the right combination could take years. His brain swirled with all the new information he had to take in. The personal humiliation, the public humiliation - he didn’t know how to contend with it all. He was grateful to Katy for being there for him, but he was ready for her to go back to Arkansas. He needed Adam, he yearned for Adam, ached for him. Adam had always made everything better for him, and he needed his strong arms to fall into.
Katy stirred in the chair next to the bed. She was watching the TV quietly, and hadn’t noticed that he was awake yet. As he pondered her, he wondered how it could have been cosmically possible that she had returned to his life at the height of his delusion. It was like a bad joke. If she had never come into the picture, Adam would have been there all along. He shook his head slightly. Nothing he could do about that now, can’t dwell on the past, as the therapist at the hospital had kept reminding him. All he could do was move on with the future.
“Hey,” he said softly. She turned and looked at him, her eyes getting wider.
“Hi,” she peeped, coming onto the bed and running her fingers through his hair. He flinched at her touch and moved his head away.
“Uh, did you get a chance to talk to Adam?” He asked, hopefully.
Katy’s face fell.
“What is it?” Kris demanded.
“It’s…it’s nothing, Kris. Let’s just enjoy your first day home. Remember the doctor said to avoid stress?”
“The only thing that’s causing me stress right now is you not telling me what Adam said,” Kris inflicted his words with enough venom to poison a calf.
“Krissy,” Katy said soothingly, “it doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean, I’m here now, and we can go back to Arkansas while you relax and get back on track. We don’t have to figure all this out now. Let’s just let it be.”
“Goddamnit, Katy, did you talk to him or not? Just fucking tell me what he said!” Kris snapped.
Katy’s head popped back on her neck as if Kris had struck her. He’d never spoken to her like that.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Kris. You don’t need this right now,” she pleaded.
“What did he say?” Kris persisted, although now cold dread was settling into him.
Katy closed her eyes for a long moment, and then opened them again and focused on Kris.
“Kris, I’m sorry. He said…he said it didn’t matter. That he’d meant what he said that day, that it was over and he would never give you the chance to hurt him again. I tried to explain about your illness, but he didn’t want to hear it. He said that he wouldn’t want someone he’d have to watch over the rest of his life anyway.”
The color drained out of Kris’ face. “But surely he was just mad. I mean, he’ll come around, right?”
Katy shook her head sadly. “I really don’t think so, Kris. He told me to erase his number out of your phone and then he said it didn’t matter because he would have it changed anyway. He said something about him planning on moving anyway, and that he would just go through with that. He said he wanted to make sure you never found him again. I’m so sorry, honey,” she finished, stroking Kris’ hand.
Kris began to tremble and he lay back down, curling into himself with his back facing Katy. No, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t. Adam wouldn’t do that, he said he would love him forever, he wouldn’t desert him. Not when he knew Kris needed him, not when he knew that he hadn’t meant any of it, not when he knew that Kris wanted him back. How could he do that? How could he just walk away? Tears began to roll over the bridge of his nose and onto the pillow and he rocked slightly. He can’t leave me, he can’t leave me, he chanted in his head. He felt like such a burden. Adam didn’t want someone he’d have to watch over. How could he be so cruel? Because you broke his heart, a voice inside him said. It wasn’t my fault, he defended, meekly. But maybe it was his fault, maybe he needed to take responsibility for his actions. They’d talked a lot about that in group therapy, taking responsibility for things that you do when you’re manic. You can’t use your illness as a get out of jail free card, they’d said. So this was it. Adam was lost to him forever. As Kris’ shame sank in, he had to admit, he couldn’t really blame him. Who would want a partner who cheats when he’s manic, one that he’d constantly have to worry about, watch, babysit? As all of these realities hit Kris, he felt more and more of his heart clutch and freeze. He felt surely it would shatter if he were to only pound it hard enough. As each second ticked by, his investment in life drained a little more. He wanted to just lay in the bed forever, hide from the world. Silent sobs racked his small frame.
Katy watched all of it with a heavy heart. She bowed her head as a tear escaped her eye and made a track down her cheek. She hated hurting Kris, she hated to have to do this, she really did. She wasn’t this kind of person. But she knew that in order for Kris to get well, he needed her. Adam may have loved Kris, and maybe Kris had even loved Adam, but there was no way Adam could take care of Kris with his busy schedule. Kris would need someone with him who really knew him, understood him, and knew what to look for. That’s what the doctors had explained to her. It was vital that Kris have someone in his life that could spot the early stages of mania and get Kris help, because he wouldn’t be able to recognize them himself until he’d had several episodes, but they couldn’t let him have several episodes, because the illness progressed so much further with each mania. They had to stay on top of it, and Katy knew that Adam couldn’t. She was Kris’ wife (ex-wife, she heard Kris assert in her head) and she had a duty to him. Yes, she’d made a mistake, but she was back and she was going to take care of the man that she’d promised to love in sickness and in health for the rest of her life. She hated that she had to break two hearts to do it, but she’d gladly trade Kris’ health and continued success in life for he and Adam’s temporary heartache.
She placed her hand on Kris’ back and rubbed circles, trying to send him assuring messages through her touch. I’m here now, you’re going to be fine, everything’s going to be fine. You’ll make it through this, and I promise, I’ll never leave you again.
**
Author: ktwrites
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Disclaimer: I own not. Happen did not (to them).
Summary: Kris and Adam hit a disconnect
Rating: R for language and subject matter
A/N: If you're just tuning in and would like to catch up but don't know how, please click the author's tag at the bottom of this post (that's the link that says author:ktwrites ;) )
***This chapter wrecked me. Thank you so much for all of your wonderful supportive comments about the turn of events in this tale, and for all the love you've shown me all through the fic. I love you guys, and your comments mean so much to me! Please let me hear from you <3 (yes, I am shamelessly begging for comments. And?)
~Start~
Adam slid down the wall and hit the floor with a thud. He laughed dangerously, thinking about what a fool he’d been. So stupid, he told himself. Knew it was too soon. He continued his mirthless laughter as he peeled off the plastic around the neck of the second bottle of vodka. His head wobbled as he bobbed it in time to the countless phrases running through his head like a pinball in a psychotic machine…
I needed to talk to someone, you were the first person I thought of. Seriously man, you always know what to say to make me feel better…
Ding.
Will you come inside for a minute, Adam? I’d like to talk to you...
Ding.
I thought I had shaken you off, but you went deeper inside of me, into a place in my heart that I didn’t know existed until today. And you’ve been there all along…
Tilt.
Don’t you know I don’t care what people think? I’ve been blind to all of that since the beginning, totally blind…
Ding.
Adam, I love you. That’s never going to change. We’ve already wasted three years of our lives, I don’t want to waste anymore! I want you, no one but you, for the rest of my life. Let’s make a home together…
Triple score.
It’s amazing how fast everything’s coming to me. I wish I had my guitar. It’s like the words and the chords are coming so fast I can barely write them down…
Ding.
It’s all happening the way it’s supposed to happen, Adam. I told you. She was what was coming…
Lost ball.
Adam’s laughter strangled as sobs choked him.
“Kris. Kris. Kris. KRIS. KRIS. KRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSS!” He bounced his head off the wall with each repetition of the name that was uttered with more despondency and desperation than the one before. Adam swung his fists out at the air in an attempt to fight off the pain that was raining on him like a deluge. The cry that issued from him was one part human, but several parts animal, alien and something far darker, even demonic. For Adam was in hell. On the day that Kris had told him that he was trading him for Katy, Kris had sent him straight to the fires of damnation. He’d been there for eleven days. He hadn’t eaten anything but peanut butter and jelly and he didn’t think he’d really slept at all, except for the fitful blackouts he fell into that he woke from, screaming, having seen Kris and having had him ripped away from him again. He was beginning to understand the state Kris had been in when he left him. But on that day, to Adam, Kris had seemed coherent, confident even.
Maybe, Adam thought, he had gone home and slept for 16 hours and had woken up and realized he had been wrong about it all. How had it happened? Had he called her and told her to come home? What were they doing now? Were they there at his house, picking up where they left off? Were they going home to Arkansas to tell their parents that they were back together? What the fuck did that make him? Was he just Kris’ little gay halftime show? Is that all he’d been to Kris? Damnit, he swore that Kris had been sincere, he’d been there, he’d heard the words from Kris’ mouth, shared a bed with him, made love with him. He just couldn’t understand how it had happened. And Kris’ eyes that day - they had not been the warm, limpid pools of soft chocolate that Adam had loved, they had been cold and hard as iron, glassy as shiny vinyl.
Adam cried out again, tugging at the collar of his t-shirt and bringing the material up to hide his face. He shook his head under the shirt and cackled through his tears. He was half-deranged from the combination of the pain and the alcohol.
“I’m going slightly mad,” he crooned, drunkenly, brokenly, heartbreakingly. “It finally happened, happened. I’m slightly mad…”
Adam slumped further down the wall and brought the bottle up to his lips again. A montage of memories of Kris’ face in a thousand different expressions assaulted Adam and he flinched violently, clutching at his hair and instinctively covering his head. There was nowhere he could go, there was nothing he could do to make it stop. He remembered a time when he’d loved the fact that Kris was so in his head that it made him half crazy. Now he understood the danger of letting someone get that close.
“The fucking problem with soulmates,” he slurred to no one in particular, “is that one isn’t any goddamn good without the other.”
He thought he’d suffered with Drake. That was trifling compared to what he was feeling now. Every day he went through a similar scenario, and every day he was sure he’d hit his breaking point, but instead of settling on the bottom, he continued to sink. He was in a freefall down a dark, endless abyss and the one person who could stop it was lost to him forever.
Adam rose unsteadily to his feet, placing his hand on the wall to steady himself, and walked with slumped shoulders to the bathroom, vodka bottle dangling in his hand. He stumbled and leaned into the wall, and his face sagged as if a weight were attached to his cheeks.
He relieved himself in the bathroom and then inspected his reflection in the mirror. Reddish stubble covered his chin and jaw, his light-colored roots were beginning to show just slightly, his face was red and paunchy, but his eyes were what distressed him the most. It was like he wasn’t there. The once piercing and enlivened blue was now flat as a sea at dead calm. The more he looked at himself, the less he recognized himself and the feeling was as distorting and disorienting as looking in a funhouse mirror. The most disheartening thing was that he didn’t care. All of his adult life he had taken great pains to keep up his appearance, he was proud to be a gorgeous, glamorous rock-god. But now, as far as he was concerned, they could take it all. Take the platinum records, the Grammies, the money, the house, the cars, the fame, the fancy clothes, the Glambert style - take it all. He’d gladly trade it all for just one more day with Kris.
“Yeah, you think you’re such a fucking hard ass. Look at you. You’d take him back in a second if he would only call.” He addressed his reflection. He wiped a disgusted hand over the mirror as if he could erase his appearance and flipped the light off on his way out.
He meandered his way into the living room, stopping halfway to guzzle again from the neck of the bottle. He sank into the couch and put the vodka on the end table. He sat with his elbows braced on his thighs and put his head in his hands. If only there were some way to get away from it. When he’d broken up with Drake, he’d grieved, but within a couple of days, he had been back at work, and while that hadn’t fully made the pain go away, it had helped. But Adam knew it was pointless in this situation, so he didn’t even want to try. The day after Kris had left him, he’d walked into the office of one of the studio execs and told them in no uncertain terms that he was taking some time off and that he didn’t give a shit how far back that pushed the release date of the album. He was willing to pull every pampered-rock-star-diva card he had in this case. He just wanted to be at home to dance with Kris’ ghost, because even though he was gone, Adam’s memories of him haunted him in every room he occupied.
Adam sighed disconnectedly and reached for the remote. He settled back into the couch and propped his feet on the coffee table. He reached sideways and captured the bottle again, taking a long pull on it. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and watched through swollen eyes as the channels flipped before him. He gasped when he stopped on one and saw Kris’ face smiling back. He winced and almost changed it, but something the reporter was saying caught his attention. The image switched to a live feed showing Kris and Katy leaving Cedars-Sinai amongst a throng of reporters. What was that the anchor had just said? An 11-day stay in the psych unit? Unconfirmed reports of a mental illness diagnosis? Adam sat up straighter and tried to focus on what he was seeing and hearing. He was at a loss, he’d consumed too much alcohol in the last week and a half and now his mind was really spinning. Kris had been on a psych unit. There were rumors of mental illness. So that meant…maybe…
He didn’t want to get his hopes up. Even if Kris had a mental illness, that didn’t mean that he didn’t mean what he’d said that day. But he’d been so peculiar…maybe an illness could explain why he’d called her. If he’d been in some kind of delusional state, maybe he would have done something that unexplainable. Adam sat back and ran a hand over his hair and then down his face, pulling down at his mouth. What should he do? Should he call Kris? No. Absolutely not. But if he was sick, if he’d been in the hospital…
No. He’d wait for Kris to call him. If Kris was sick when he made the decision, then once he was well he’d want to set it straight. And Adam would listen. No matter what he’d said that day, he knew he would listen, and he would forgive him everything if what he’d done he’d done because he was sick.
**
As soon as they reached the car and Katy had given the driver the address, Kris reminded her that he wanted to talk to Adam. He’d been asking about Adam all week and no one had really given him any answers. They all just side-stepped the question and asked him about his wife. Ex-wife, he’d always reminded them. It wasn’t that he didn’t remember everything that had happened; every bizarre detail of his delusions haunted him, but nothing more so than the fact that he’d shunned and hurt Adam by choosing his ex-wife over him. As crazy as it seemed, Kris hadn’t been able to find a way to contact him from the psych unit. In the age of cell phones, hardly anyone had people’s numbers memorized, and Katy had said she couldn’t find his cell at home. The nurses couldn’t help him locate Adam’s number because it was, of course, unlisted.
Katy had finally found his phone in an unused drawer in the office (he had no idea what it was doing there) the morning before she came to pick Kris up. Kris just wanted to get home and call Adam, but Katy wasn’t so sure. She reminded him about what the doctor had said about taking it easy and avoiding stress. Katy wanted him to rest for the next couple of days. She said maybe she could call Adam and they would have a chat. Kris nodded his head and leaned it back against the cool leather of the headrest. The medications they’d put him on left him feeling fuzzy-headed and tired, flat and emotionless. Things were still just the slightest bit confusing. Maybe it would be easier to have Katy call Adam. He was pretty sure that she understood that they would not be getting back together, and he thought the fact that she was willing to help patch things up with Adam showed what a wonderful woman she was. He’d always known she was special.
**
Adam was working himself into a state. He’d capped the vodka, taken a lukewarm shower and put on a pot of coffee, and was feeling a little more alert. Ever since the idea had gotten into his head, he hadn’t been able to shake it. He reasoned that since Kris had just gotten out of the hospital, he probably wasn’t up to taking calls. He could still be feeling the symptoms of his illness and would want to rest, and therefore would probably have his phone off. Adam could just call and leave a message, just let him know that he was thinking of him and hoping that he got well soon. But would that be pathetic? He sighed. He just didn’t know. He didn’t know what the protocol was for extending the man who’d broken your heart well wishes after getting out of the psych unit, if there even was a protocol for such a thing. But, if anything, it would show that he hadn’t meant what he’d said, that under the circumstances, he was willing to work things out. His mind was still clouded by too much alcohol. He didn’t know what to do.
He paced while he thought. His gut was telling him to call. He remembered when Kris had invited him inside that day so many months ago, how he’d reacted according to his emotions, listened to his gut, and it had turned out to be the best thing he could do. And generally speaking, in every situation where he was conflicted, listening to his core instinct usually guided him to the right decision.
He’d make the call.
Adam pushed the number one button on his phone, where Kris’ number was stored under speed dial. He held his breath as it rang once, twice, three times and then unexpectedly was answered at the beginning of the fourth ring. Nothing could have prepared Adam for the voice he heard on the other end.
“Hello, Adam,” Katy answered, sedately.
Adam blinked and pulled the phone from his ear, seconds from hanging up, when he heard Katy say, “Adam? Adam? Are you there?”
He shook his head at the fucking irony and hesitantly put the phone back to his ear. Katy Allen was the last person he wanted to talk to right now, but given the situation, he would endure it in order to get to Kris. He fervently hoped that Katy was still only around to help out, and that once they got this all straightened out, she would go back to Arkansas and Adam would be left to take care of Kris. He needed to be able to be a part of this with Kris, he needed to hold him and help him and walk this road with him. Helping Kris find his way to healing would be Adam’s healing as well.
“Yeah, I’m here. I, uh…I was actually calling to…um…well, I saw this news report and I just wanted to… and I figured his phone would be off, so I was gonna…I just wanted to…to leave a message,” he finished feebly.
“Yes, unfortunately Kris’ situation got leaked to the press. They were waiting for us when we left,” she sighed, “as if Kris needs anything else to worry about.”
“What is,” Adam swallowed the thickness gathering in his throat, “the situation?”
Katy paused. “You know, Adam, I’m not sure Kris really wants to share that information with you.”
Adam was nodding.
“Adam?”
“I’m nodding,” he said, with a sigh. “Look, Katy, I’m not sure how much you’ve gotten to talk to Kris, but he and I…were…we are, we were….very close. I’m not sure he would mind if you shared that information with me.”
Katy paused again. “Yes, you’ve always been close friends, and I’m aware of the…relationship you had for the past several months. Adam -“ she suddenly broke off, “just let me go into the other room. Kris is sleeping and I don’t want to wake him.”
Adam waited with a pounding heart on the other end of the phone.
“OK,” Katy began when she’d returned, “the day I came home, Kris was behaving very strangely-“
“He’d been strange for over a week. He wasn’t sleeping, he was all hyped up. I thought it was insomnia. I tried to talk him into seeing a doctor.”
“Yes, well, people that are in the state he was in are very stubborn and easily agitated when pressed to do things they don’t want to do. Anyway,” she continued, “his odd behavior escalated as the night went on. He was talking to people that weren’t there, he believed we were dead and getting ready to make a trip into eternal life, he was seeing angels that obviously weren’t there. Basically, he had a full psychotic break from reality. He was so out of control in the hospital that they had to hold him down and drug him in order to get him upstairs. I had to sign the papers to have him committed since he wouldn’t go on his own free will.”
Adam hung his head and tears immediately began to form. Kris, Kris, Kris, he thought, my baby, I should have been with you. But part of him was strangely comforted. Now that he knew for sure that Kris had been ill, he knew that there was a chance that they could make things right.
“What caused the break?” Adam finally asked, through his tears.
“An acute episode of mania,” Katy exhaled heavily.
“Mania? As in, bipolar? Kris isn’t bipolar,” Adam scoffed.
“Apparently he is. The doctor explained that mental illnesses typically show up in late adolescence to early adulthood. He said that major life changes, big stressors can trigger episodes.”
“But Kris isn’t moody. He’s never been down a day in his life!” Adam exclaimed.
“Adam, you haven’t known him as long as I have. There have been some subtle signs,” she said, a little irritated, “Anyway, Kris’ bipolar is referred to as type 1. They informed me that it’s actually not all that uncommon for people with his type of bipolar to become psychotic if the mania is left untreated for too long. They’ve warned me that he will most likely have a rebounding depression, as is the nature of the illness, but they’ve put him on a fair amount of medication to try their best to avoid that. So, anyway, at least I’ll know what warning signs to look for in the future.”
Adam cleared his throat. “Katy. This is kind of uncomfortable. More than kind of. But don’t you mean I’ll know what to look for in the future? I mean…Kris didn’t really want to be with you if he was psychotic when he made the choice. You heard him, he thought you were sent to him as some kind of messenger or something. He’s in love with me. I love him more than anything. I’m going to spend my life watching over him.” Adam’s voice was forceful, but it was bordering on the line of hysteria. He had to make her understand. He knew Kris would want him back. Kris needed him.
Katy paused for what seemed like a lifetime. “Adam,” she said softly, almost chidingly, and then paused again for several more moments. “I don’t know how to say this. You know I love you, we’ve all been good friends for years. Kris told me, in the hospital…you don’t know how much I blame myself for all of this. If I wouldn’t have left him, I wouldn’t have triggered all of this in him. I know you hate me, and I’m so sorry. Kris is so sorry. He just asked me to call you today when we got home because he didn’t feel he had the strength to do it. He told me when he was in the hospital that…that he thought that your relationship was part of the early stages of the mania. They call it hypomania. It can make you do things that you ordinarily wouldn’t do. You wouldn’t necessarily even notice that someone is hypomanic, not like with full-blown mania, they would just seem more happy, in love with life, maybe in love with someone that they would never be with if they weren’t sick. He’s so incredibly sorry, and so am I, but…he realizes it was a blessing from God that I came back when I did. He wants me to stay. Actually, we’ll be going home to Arkansas, where we can be near his parents while he recuperates. Adam…I…I’m truly sorry…”
Katy continued but Adam couldn’t hear anything over the roaring in his head. Kris thought it was all a lie. All the time they’d spent together, all the love they’d made together, all the plans they’d dreamed together, it was all fake. Not only did Adam have to mourn losing Kris, now he had to contend with the fact that everything he’d thought they had was in his head only. His hand dropped away from his ear and the phone slipped out of his grip, clattering to the floor. Adam’s head swirled and he trembled visibly. He looked around, disoriented, searching for something he would not find - comfort. Adam put his hands to his head, wailed, and dropped to his knees while the familiar sights of Kris’ face swirled around him. He leaned forward and banged his head on the floor, cursing himself for ever letting himself hope. He clawed at his stomach and howled, then finally ended up prostrate on the floor.
Adam thought if he died at that moment he wouldn’t be sorry at all.
**
Kris awoke groggy and disoriented. I’m at home now, he reminded himself. He didn’t know how he was going to deal with this bipolar stuff. The doctors had told him that as long as he took his meds, he should be fine. They really stressed how important it was to stay on the meds, even if they made him feel funny at first. They had assured him that people who had the illness that had once been very high functioning usually returned to that level with the proper medication. They had warned him, however, that finding the right combination could take years. His brain swirled with all the new information he had to take in. The personal humiliation, the public humiliation - he didn’t know how to contend with it all. He was grateful to Katy for being there for him, but he was ready for her to go back to Arkansas. He needed Adam, he yearned for Adam, ached for him. Adam had always made everything better for him, and he needed his strong arms to fall into.
Katy stirred in the chair next to the bed. She was watching the TV quietly, and hadn’t noticed that he was awake yet. As he pondered her, he wondered how it could have been cosmically possible that she had returned to his life at the height of his delusion. It was like a bad joke. If she had never come into the picture, Adam would have been there all along. He shook his head slightly. Nothing he could do about that now, can’t dwell on the past, as the therapist at the hospital had kept reminding him. All he could do was move on with the future.
“Hey,” he said softly. She turned and looked at him, her eyes getting wider.
“Hi,” she peeped, coming onto the bed and running her fingers through his hair. He flinched at her touch and moved his head away.
“Uh, did you get a chance to talk to Adam?” He asked, hopefully.
Katy’s face fell.
“What is it?” Kris demanded.
“It’s…it’s nothing, Kris. Let’s just enjoy your first day home. Remember the doctor said to avoid stress?”
“The only thing that’s causing me stress right now is you not telling me what Adam said,” Kris inflicted his words with enough venom to poison a calf.
“Krissy,” Katy said soothingly, “it doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean, I’m here now, and we can go back to Arkansas while you relax and get back on track. We don’t have to figure all this out now. Let’s just let it be.”
“Goddamnit, Katy, did you talk to him or not? Just fucking tell me what he said!” Kris snapped.
Katy’s head popped back on her neck as if Kris had struck her. He’d never spoken to her like that.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Kris. You don’t need this right now,” she pleaded.
“What did he say?” Kris persisted, although now cold dread was settling into him.
Katy closed her eyes for a long moment, and then opened them again and focused on Kris.
“Kris, I’m sorry. He said…he said it didn’t matter. That he’d meant what he said that day, that it was over and he would never give you the chance to hurt him again. I tried to explain about your illness, but he didn’t want to hear it. He said that he wouldn’t want someone he’d have to watch over the rest of his life anyway.”
The color drained out of Kris’ face. “But surely he was just mad. I mean, he’ll come around, right?”
Katy shook her head sadly. “I really don’t think so, Kris. He told me to erase his number out of your phone and then he said it didn’t matter because he would have it changed anyway. He said something about him planning on moving anyway, and that he would just go through with that. He said he wanted to make sure you never found him again. I’m so sorry, honey,” she finished, stroking Kris’ hand.
Kris began to tremble and he lay back down, curling into himself with his back facing Katy. No, it couldn’t be. It couldn’t. Adam wouldn’t do that, he said he would love him forever, he wouldn’t desert him. Not when he knew Kris needed him, not when he knew that he hadn’t meant any of it, not when he knew that Kris wanted him back. How could he do that? How could he just walk away? Tears began to roll over the bridge of his nose and onto the pillow and he rocked slightly. He can’t leave me, he can’t leave me, he chanted in his head. He felt like such a burden. Adam didn’t want someone he’d have to watch over. How could he be so cruel? Because you broke his heart, a voice inside him said. It wasn’t my fault, he defended, meekly. But maybe it was his fault, maybe he needed to take responsibility for his actions. They’d talked a lot about that in group therapy, taking responsibility for things that you do when you’re manic. You can’t use your illness as a get out of jail free card, they’d said. So this was it. Adam was lost to him forever. As Kris’ shame sank in, he had to admit, he couldn’t really blame him. Who would want a partner who cheats when he’s manic, one that he’d constantly have to worry about, watch, babysit? As all of these realities hit Kris, he felt more and more of his heart clutch and freeze. He felt surely it would shatter if he were to only pound it hard enough. As each second ticked by, his investment in life drained a little more. He wanted to just lay in the bed forever, hide from the world. Silent sobs racked his small frame.
Katy watched all of it with a heavy heart. She bowed her head as a tear escaped her eye and made a track down her cheek. She hated hurting Kris, she hated to have to do this, she really did. She wasn’t this kind of person. But she knew that in order for Kris to get well, he needed her. Adam may have loved Kris, and maybe Kris had even loved Adam, but there was no way Adam could take care of Kris with his busy schedule. Kris would need someone with him who really knew him, understood him, and knew what to look for. That’s what the doctors had explained to her. It was vital that Kris have someone in his life that could spot the early stages of mania and get Kris help, because he wouldn’t be able to recognize them himself until he’d had several episodes, but they couldn’t let him have several episodes, because the illness progressed so much further with each mania. They had to stay on top of it, and Katy knew that Adam couldn’t. She was Kris’ wife (ex-wife, she heard Kris assert in her head) and she had a duty to him. Yes, she’d made a mistake, but she was back and she was going to take care of the man that she’d promised to love in sickness and in health for the rest of her life. She hated that she had to break two hearts to do it, but she’d gladly trade Kris’ health and continued success in life for he and Adam’s temporary heartache.
She placed her hand on Kris’ back and rubbed circles, trying to send him assuring messages through her touch. I’m here now, you’re going to be fine, everything’s going to be fine. You’ll make it through this, and I promise, I’ll never leave you again.
**