Fic: Blind, Chapter 16
Title: Blind
Author: ktwrites
Pairing: Kris/Adam (not for the time being though)
Summary: Kris is not recovering as well as expected
Rating: Hard R for subject matter
Disclaimer: Don't own. Didn't happen.
A/N: If you would like to catch up with the story but don't know how, click the link at the bottom of this entry that says 'author: ktwrites'. Thanks!
WARNING: VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER. This is another hard one, loves. I'm not trying to break your hearts, but the story begs to be told. I think I may have overestimated the number of chapters to the end. We may get there in one + epilogue. We'll see how it goes. I am really enjoying getting to talk to so many of you through the comments, please keep comment loving me :) I appreciate all the time you've taken to read this and comment. I love y'all!
~Start~
Kris sighed and changed the channel. He switched positions on the couch and observed the happy family on the screen for a Target commercial. Look at that father, he told himself, he’s happy, he can do what he has to for his family. He’s living. Unlike Kris. Kris was not living, he was merely surviving. After hearing that Adam was gone for good, he’d fallen into such a deep depression that he’d let Katy talk him into moving back home, temporarily. He was living with his parents, and Katy had an apartment of her own, although she was rarely there. She hovered over him worse than his own mother. He tried to tell her to go home, but it never worked, and somewhere along the line he’d given up trying.
His therapist had explained that the combination of the natural depression someone would feel after being deserted by their lover and the chemical depression he was experiencing as a rebound to his mania had come together like the perfect storm. He was immobilized. For the first couple of months, all he could do was cry, but soon that gave way to something far scarier: the numbness. He couldn’t feel anything. Everything was gray. He might smile and laugh once and a while, but it never parted the curtain of apathy. Katy and his mother begged for him to get engaged in life, his therapist and doctor instructed it, but in the end, Kris just didn’t care enough to fight for himself. If this was all life was going to be - living with his parents and settling for Katy, then he’d really rather not engage in it. He would be content to simply let it pass on by him. He was no longer an active participant in his life, now he was an uninterested spectator.
He went days without showering. He slept on the couch, he ate on the couch, he existed on the couch. Every day he watched people on the TV that had normal, regular, everyday lives and he berated himself because he couldn’t be like them. He’d given up his ability to hope that things would ever change for him. Stuck in an immobilizing depression, he’d lost the ability to be judgmental. And at the seven month mark, his doctors were starting to become frantic. They tried new med after new med, but nothing seemed to work. They didn’t understand what Kris knew - if he had to live his life forever like this, and without Adam, then there was no point in ever coming back to the surface.
Adam’s betrayal had become like a central thesis in his despair. He now understood and fully believed that Adam had been 100% right to walk away from the pathetic and needy, diseased and damned creature he had become. He knew in his heart of hearts that it was all his fault. He’d been the one who’d cheated, after all. Even if he had been manic…he told himself if he’d been a more loyal person, he would never have done something like that. And in that was one of the cruelest jokes of all - until now, Kris had always believed himself to be a loyal person, but when it had really mattered, he had proved everyone wrong. No, he didn’t blame Adam at all. He knew the blame lay directly on him, and he was drowning under the weight of it.
His manager had given up calling. Kris had taken to giving the phone to his father to deal with the calls and the news had been the same since the beginning - no improvement, and no idea when he might return. His manager, in an attempt to snap him out of it, had boomed that he was losing his credibility and his relevance. Kris had just instructed his dad to hang up the phone. He had no energy to defend himself. If his fans stopped caring, so be it. This was his life now. There was no escaping it. This was going to be as good as it got. His therapist had him working on acceptance - to Kris, that was a sure sign that she had given up hope, too.
Allie had given up calling, as well. For the first five months, she’d called once a week, always leaving a nice, chipper voice mail, updating him on what was going on with her life. And then the calls started dwindling to one every two weeks, then one a month, and then nothing. Even his best friend had given up on him, never mind the fact that he’d never returned one of her calls. He knew he was a lost cause.
Katy was presently cooking him lunch, as if he were a five year old with a bad cold. He’d tried to tell her not to cook for him, but she came home every day on her lunch break and made something for him anyway. He’d gotten used to it, and after all, if she was going to cook, that left him free to hold down the couch for another hour or two. He sighed wearily, exhausted as he always was, although he did nothing but lie around. That was another cruel joke to Kris - what he needed to do to get himself out of this trap, so his doctors said, was to get up and move -shower, shave, get out of the house, get some exercise, and yet he had energy for none of it. It was like the most brutal catch-22 of his life. He thought about Adam, how he’d come and gotten him out of the house after the divorce, run the beach with him every day. He was battered by the thought that hammered incessantly in his head day after day: if Adam were here, everything would be OK. He kicked the throw pillow at the end of the couch. He didn’t blame Adam for leaving, but he still couldn’t help but torture himself with thoughts of why, why, why?
Katy brought in the tray of food, chattering happily about work and renewing their vows when he was feeling better. She talked about the ceremony with increasing frequency, as if she sensed his growing desperation and thought the subject would cheer him up. Poor Katy, it wasn’t her fault. Again, he was the scoundrel to blame in this situation. He’d led her on, let her believe that he intended to remarry her when they got the illness under control. He felt thwarted and trapped by her expectation, but he had no one to blame but himself. He dismissed the tray with a frustrated wave of his hand and sent Katy back to work with tears in her eyes from his bitterness and agitation. He just…couldn’t…anymore. He felt like he had been existing at the bottom of a long-forgotten well for what seemed like an eternity with no hope of ever escaping. For the first time in months, his eyes began to defrost the frozen tears he’d held inside and let them cascade down his face. He couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t want to do it anymore. There was only one way out of this conundrum that had become his life.
Kris swallowed. The idea was a welcome one. There was a way out. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it a million times before. But today was different. On all of those other days, he’d been too lethargic, too apathetic to do anything about it. But today, he felt a very slight increase in energy, and mental clarity, just enough to give him the courage to go through with what his darkest dreams called to him.
As if they were acting of their own will, Kris’ legs unfurled from underneath him and led him to his bathroom. He pondered the four bottles of pills arranged in the medicine cabinet, side by side. It would be so easy to just go to sleep and never wake back up. He’d been raised Christian, he knew that God was forgiving and there was a Heaven waiting for him. Would God really blame him for escaping? Didn’t God want him to be happy? Surely God didn’t want him to suffer anymore. He didn’t want to suffer anymore. He couldn’t go on like this anymore. His life was as tangled as a knot of knitting yarn and he didn’t have the first idea how or ounce of energy to untangle it. His heartbeat throbbed the words that repeated over and over in his head like the chorus to some macabre melody: I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t anymore, please forgive me, bring me home.
He methodically tipped each bottle of its contents. Round peach pills and diamond shaped blue pills and oblong white pills and small, round green pills covered the countertop. Kris had just had all the scripts refilled so there were in excess of 120 pills in front of him. If he were going to do this, he wanted to do it right and not have to suffer through the humiliation of a failed attempt. He started swiping handfuls off the counter and downing them with the little paper cups by the sink. He’d gotten nearly through half of them when he began to sway. He forced himself to keep swallowing. His mind was blessedly empty and quiet. He found after several more handfuls that he could no longer stand, but he swept the rest of the pills to the floor on his way down. He took as many as he could, one by one, relying on his own saliva to swallow them with. He knew nothing for a minute or two, and then a loud jangling started in his head. It disturbed him and wouldn’t let him sleep, and he so just wanted to fade away into blessed sleep. He pulled himself to his hands and knees and stumble-crawled his way to the phone in his bedroom. He picked it up and tried to inform the caller that he was unavailable at the moment, but he was afraid he didn’t deliver his message clearly. He dropped the phone and flopped face-first onto the floor. Kris’ world went black.
**
Two days later, bleary-eyed and shell shocked, Kim and Neil Allen sat in their kitchen staring at each other.
“We should call Allison,” Kris’ mother said quietly. Neil Allen just nodded.
The silence stretched between the two for what seemed like minutes, when in actuality was probably more like mere moments.
“What about Adam? Should we call Adam?” She continued.
Kris’ father’s head dropped, and tears slid out of his eyes. His head began to shake from side to side, slowly.
“Kim, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s the Christian thing to do. But that boy, he just walked away from Kristopher. He hurt him so bad, and he just couldn’t get over it. I know that’s why he did this. I don’t think I can have Adam here.”
Kim Allen tapped her foot against the rung of the chair and finally gave a short nod.
It was settled.
**
When Allison received the call, she screamed. She’d been in the middle of a production meeting, but she hastily called it off and let them know that she was going to be unavailable for the next week or so. She ended the call with Kris’ mom and immediately dialed her personal assistant and manager. She let them both know that she would be heading to Arkansas immediately and everything having to do with the album needed to be put on hold. She asked her assistant to book her flight while she went home to hastily throw some things into a suitcase. She made sure to include two of her black dresses.
She was in overdrive, completely overloaded with emotional input. She hadn’t even had time to cry. Every time she slowed down enough to think, Kris’ handsome face filled her mind and his name chanted along with it like a litany. Kris, Kris, Kris. Her manager found a flight that left in a little more than two hours, and her manager called back with some details that she needed Allison to take care of before she left. Kris, Kris, Kris. She spent the time between her fervent packing and her flight tying up loose ends at the studio. She still hadn’t had time to process what had happened, but his name kept up a beat in her head. Kris, Kris, Kris.
Once she was finally settled on the plane, comfortably hidden by the blue and black hounds tooth fedora and the wide, dark sunglasses, she finally let the scalding tears fall. Oh, Kris, you damn idiot, you fool, how could you have done this? She breathed normally and did not sob, but the tears continued to fall. She kept her face toward the window and ignored the flight attendants. She couldn’t believe this had happened to her best friend. And what kind of a friend was she? She had given up, stopped calling when he obviously needed her more than ever. She felt she was as much to blame for the tragedy. She looked down at the photo album she’d carried on with her. Pictures from the Idol days, Kris in nearly every one of them. She traced his face with her fingertip. Oh, Kris, what are we gonna do now?
**
When Allison got off the plane, Kris’ parents were waiting for her with a car. At first they drove in silence, Allison and Kim holding hands in the back seat. Then Kris’ mom began describing what he would look like. Allison hung her head and tried not to dread the coming hours, from what Kris’ mom had told her.
When they reached their destination, Kris’ dad held the car door open for both women. They held hands as they entered the building. When they reached the proper room, Kim let go of Allison and gently nodded her forward. Allison took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
There, in the expensive room of the private care facility, gaunt and ghastly, was her best friend, Kris Allen. He was emaciated and there were circles under his eyes that looked like bruises, but he was alive, thankfully, blessedly alive after the attempt he’d pulled. His eyes opened at the sound of the door opening, and he raised his head. He smiled that slow, Kris Allen smile when he saw his old friend, but only for a moment, and then his face fell. Allison sat on the edge of his bed and pulled him into a sitting position and held him, her hand pressed flush against the back of his head, rocking him gently until the worst of their tears had passed.
He sat with his back against the wall and played with the frayed edges of his sweatpants. He looked childish and sheepish.
“Honey,” she began, “there’s got to be a better way to get me out to Arkansas.”
Kris laughed hollowly and shook his head. “You’re a master with the black humor.”
“Eh…I learned from the best.” She instantly wanted to reach out and pull her words back, for they both knew that it was Adam who had the dark wit. Kris stared at her.
“Allie, can I…talk to you? About…him?”
“You can talk to me about anything you want, babe. But first I want to say something. I don’t know how long we have, your mom didn’t say what the visiting hours were. From what I’ve seen, they seem pretty relaxed.”
Kris waved his hand. “At the prices I’m paying for this stay, you might be able to get a cot set up in here with me.”
“Making jokes. Is this improvement I see?”
“I don’t know, Allie. The doctor here thinks a little differently than my regular doctor. He put me on a low dose of an antidepressant, I think it’s…” Kris’ face scrunched up, “it’s called Effexor, I think. Anyway, they told me that a lot of docs don’t want to put people with my type of Bipolar on antidepressants because they can cause mania. But he believes that with enough mood stabilizers and atypical antipsychotics to act as “insurance”, the antidepressant won’t cause mania, but will do what it’s supposed to do - relieve the depression. It’s only been five days, but I do feel a little better. Each day a little bit better. And I don’t know, maybe there’s something to say for still being alive. Like maybe I’m supposed to be here, or something?”
Allison’s eyes shone with tears. “You. Are definitely supposed to be here. And for a long time to come.” She gave his hand a squeeze. He smiled a genuine smile back. It was the best thing Allison had seen in a long time.
“Kris…I love you. I love you so much. I know you’ve been in pain, you’re still in pain. But honey, please, for god’s sake, the next time you feel like doing something like this, call someone. Call me. Call your mom. Call a hotline. But please, God, Kris, don’t ever put us through this again. Do you know how lucky you are to not have any lasting damage to your liver or kidneys? Kris, I know you may not believe it, but your depression is going to go away. You will get your life back. You will forever be changed for what you’ve gone through, but you’ll also be stronger. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Promise me, Kris.” Tears were streaking down her cheeks.
Kris eyes had also filled with tears. “I promise. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Allie. I just - everything. It was too much. I couldn’t see how I’d ever get my life back. I’d lost everything, my career was plummeting, I’d lost my connection with life. I’d lost the most important person in the world to me.”
Kris paused and let his head fall back against the wall. “Tell me about him, Allison. I mean, I know he never wants to see me again, but, like…is he happy?” There was a tone to Kris’ voice that Allison couldn’t place. She thought about how best to proceed.
“Well, you know, of course, it was really hard for him for a while. A long time. He was really hurt. But I don’t want you to feel bad, Kris,” she rushed, “we all make choices, and people have to deal with our choices. And Adam’s doing fine now. Much better. He, ah…he went on a trip. To Peru, actually.”
Kris’ face screwed up in confusion. “What do you mean, feel bad about my choices? And about it being really hard for him but he’s much better now? Allie, what are you talking about?”
Allison hesitated. This wasn’t right. How could Kris not know that his choice had nearly destroyed Adam?
“Kris,” she began, trying to get a better hold on the situation, “why did you and Adam break up?”
Kris hung his head for a few long moments, and then let it fall back against the wall again.
“You know as well as I do, Al. I cheated on him. He didn’t want anything to do with me after that. He said he didn’t care that I was sick, he said…he said that he wouldn’t want someone he’d have to look after for the rest of his life.”
A new understanding was starting to take hold in Allison. “Who told you that, Kris?”
Kris blinked. “Katy. She said she would call him for me. I was so wiped out from everything. All I wanted to do was get in touch with him and try to make things right, but Katy wanted me to rest. She told me when I woke up that he had said all of that.”
Allison reached out and grabbed Kris and wrapped him into a tight hug. “Oh, Krissy. Baby, I’m sorry.” Allison pulled back from him and stroked the side of his face. “She lied.”
“What?” The look of panic on Kris’ face was unmistakable.
“She lied. God, that bitch, I could kick her ass for what she’s put you two through! She told Adam that you thought your relationship was part of the illness, that you were in….” Allison broke off to think and whipped the air with her hands, “…what’s the word when you’re manic but not really manic?”
“Hypomanic?”
“Yeah, that. She told Adam that you told her to tell him that you thought it was all because of your hypomania that you got together, and that you finally realized with the diagnosis and stuff that you made a mistake and you were going back to her. Kris, I’m not kidding, it almost killed him. And she told you that he didn’t want to take you back. And now look where you are. I am going to kill that fucking…gah! I can’t even think of a word bad enough to call her!”
There was wonder in Kris’ eyes. “You mean, he didn’t desert me? He still loves me?”
Allison frowned. “I don’t know, Kris. He went to Peru to put you behind him. He went to Machu Picchu to leave a necklace you gave him, to leave you behind.”
Kris’ mind was whirling. Adam hadn’t left him. Katy had lied. He’d nearly died because of Katy’s lie. Adam was in their dream vacation spot trying to put him behind him.
“Phone. I need a phone. I’ve got to call him, Allie, before we waste another second!”
“Kris, come on. Think about your condition, try not to get stressed.”
“Damnit!” Kris pounded on the mattress. “This is exactly what happened last time. I just want to talk to Adam!”
“OK, let’s just think for a minute. Adam is in Peru. He’s probably not getting coverage down there. You could leave a voice mail, or…you could wait until he gets home to talk to him. Then you’ll have had more time on your medication, you’ll be feeling more like yourself, you’ll have time to think about what you really want to say.”
“No, I’ll go out there. Back to LA, talk to him face to face. That’s the way it should have been all along. I let Katy come between us and now we’ve lost almost eight months. I’m not going to let anything come between us, ever again.” Kris’ eyes were filled with tears, but Allison suspected they were the happy tears, not the sad.
“He sent me an email to say that he was extending his trip for six more weeks. That was three weeks ago. He should be home in a little less than a month,” Allison was beginning to get excited as well.
“That will give me enough time to get more stabilized and maybe even talk to my manager and set up a meeting while I’m out there. Oh my god, Allison. You don’t know how this feels. I’m so…happy. I swore to myself just five days ago that I would never be happy again, and I tried…you know. And now, with one conversation, you’ve brought me back to life.”
He beamed at Allison as they clasped hands together on the mattress they sat on.
**
Allison sat with Kris for the next hour, catching him up on her life, talking to him about her album, and the various things that were going into the production of it. It was her first time trying her hand at producing and she found it fascinating but challenging. They had mutually agreed that they wanted to handle Katy together when she got there for her nightly visit after work. They passed the time amicably, but as much as Kris tried to keep up with Allison’s spirits, he just wasn’t feeling that well yet, and he grew quiet and withdrawn. Allison sat at the foot of the bed while he dozed and sang every soothing song she knew to pass the time. After Kris had nodded off, she took out her phone and listened to voice mails and replied to texts. She was just getting ready to find out if the facility had a cafeteria when the door slowly swung inward and Katy stepped in. Her eyes went wide and somewhat panicked when she saw Allison at the foot of the bed. Allison rose and grabbed Katy by the arm, dragging her back out into the hall.
“Ow. Allison, what…”
“Shut up,” Allison spat out.
“What did you say to me?” Katy was indignant.
“I said Shut. The Fuck. Up.” Allison’s eyes were mean spheres of angry black.
Katy sniffed and raised her head a notch. “I don’t believe I care to…”
“I don’t care what you believe. Listen to me, bitch. Kris almost died five days ago and I hold you personally responsible.”
“How can you say…”
“You cheat on him, say you’re going to marry some other guy, give him the life stressor that it takes to kick his bipolar into action. And although you leaving him wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened, you had to go farther and completely fuck it up with your lies. How could you lie like that, Katy? Take love away from two people who were so happy together just so you could have what you want? I didn’t think people like you really even existed. You make me sick.” Allison was shooting the words at her in rapid fire, her accent coming out thicker in her anger.
Panic entered Katy’s eyes. “Kris knows?”
“Yes, Kris knows. Looks like your perfect little plans are going to come crumbling down around you. And everyone is going to know what a selfish bitch you are.”
Katy’s face turned nasty. “You have no idea why I did what I did. I suppose it wouldn’t occur to someone like you, but I did it out of love for Kris. Adam couldn’t take care of him with his busy schedule, he couldn’t be there. And I could. I felt bad about hurting them, but come on, how serious could Kris have been, he was sick when he was with Adam.”
“He was not sick. I was with him all the time. He was normal everyday Kris, except he was more in love than anyone I’ve ever seen. I think your ego got in the way. You were jealous that Kris had fallen in love with Adam and you thought you could just cut him out of Kris’ heart that easily. Do you see now how much Kris loved Adam?”
“Kris is not depressed because of Adam, he’s depressed because of his illness.”
“You really are fucking clueless, Katy. God! Of course he’s depressed about Adam. You think to pull Kris’ love away from him was to do the best thing for him? You’re sick.”
“I am Kris’ love!” Katy exclaimed, angrily.
Allison couldn’t help herself. It was as if her hand moved of its own will. She reached out and slapped Katy, hard.
“There. You said it right there. You did this for yourself. You’re not fooling anyone. It’s time for you to go home, Katy. Someone I love once fought for me when I couldn’t do it for myself. That guy in there,” Allison inclined her head toward the door, “is too weak to fight for himself right now, so it’s my turn to repay the favor. I will be here for the next week at least. If you come anywhere near him, I will have security called. I will help Kris do whatever he needs to make sure that you aren’t even permitted in the building. I don’t care how you want to handle Kim and Neil. You can either wait for Kris to tell them, or you can throw yourself at their mercy. My guess is, being the wonderfully loving and accepting people that all the Allens are, you will be forgiven, but I’m also guessing that your presence is not going to be welcome for a while. They’re nice, but they’re not stupid. Now get the hell out of here,” she growled.
Katy blinked several times and stared at Allison. Allison’s eyes dared Katy to challenge her. In the end, Katy neither offered any more explanation nor made a final attempt to see Kris. She simply spun on her heel and marched back to the elevator, defeated.
Author: ktwrites
Pairing: Kris/Adam (not for the time being though)
Summary: Kris is not recovering as well as expected
Rating: Hard R for subject matter
Disclaimer: Don't own. Didn't happen.
A/N: If you would like to catch up with the story but don't know how, click the link at the bottom of this entry that says 'author: ktwrites'. Thanks!
WARNING: VERY SENSITIVE SUBJECT MATTER. This is another hard one, loves. I'm not trying to break your hearts, but the story begs to be told. I think I may have overestimated the number of chapters to the end. We may get there in one + epilogue. We'll see how it goes. I am really enjoying getting to talk to so many of you through the comments, please keep comment loving me :) I appreciate all the time you've taken to read this and comment. I love y'all!
~Start~
Kris sighed and changed the channel. He switched positions on the couch and observed the happy family on the screen for a Target commercial. Look at that father, he told himself, he’s happy, he can do what he has to for his family. He’s living. Unlike Kris. Kris was not living, he was merely surviving. After hearing that Adam was gone for good, he’d fallen into such a deep depression that he’d let Katy talk him into moving back home, temporarily. He was living with his parents, and Katy had an apartment of her own, although she was rarely there. She hovered over him worse than his own mother. He tried to tell her to go home, but it never worked, and somewhere along the line he’d given up trying.
His therapist had explained that the combination of the natural depression someone would feel after being deserted by their lover and the chemical depression he was experiencing as a rebound to his mania had come together like the perfect storm. He was immobilized. For the first couple of months, all he could do was cry, but soon that gave way to something far scarier: the numbness. He couldn’t feel anything. Everything was gray. He might smile and laugh once and a while, but it never parted the curtain of apathy. Katy and his mother begged for him to get engaged in life, his therapist and doctor instructed it, but in the end, Kris just didn’t care enough to fight for himself. If this was all life was going to be - living with his parents and settling for Katy, then he’d really rather not engage in it. He would be content to simply let it pass on by him. He was no longer an active participant in his life, now he was an uninterested spectator.
He went days without showering. He slept on the couch, he ate on the couch, he existed on the couch. Every day he watched people on the TV that had normal, regular, everyday lives and he berated himself because he couldn’t be like them. He’d given up his ability to hope that things would ever change for him. Stuck in an immobilizing depression, he’d lost the ability to be judgmental. And at the seven month mark, his doctors were starting to become frantic. They tried new med after new med, but nothing seemed to work. They didn’t understand what Kris knew - if he had to live his life forever like this, and without Adam, then there was no point in ever coming back to the surface.
Adam’s betrayal had become like a central thesis in his despair. He now understood and fully believed that Adam had been 100% right to walk away from the pathetic and needy, diseased and damned creature he had become. He knew in his heart of hearts that it was all his fault. He’d been the one who’d cheated, after all. Even if he had been manic…he told himself if he’d been a more loyal person, he would never have done something like that. And in that was one of the cruelest jokes of all - until now, Kris had always believed himself to be a loyal person, but when it had really mattered, he had proved everyone wrong. No, he didn’t blame Adam at all. He knew the blame lay directly on him, and he was drowning under the weight of it.
His manager had given up calling. Kris had taken to giving the phone to his father to deal with the calls and the news had been the same since the beginning - no improvement, and no idea when he might return. His manager, in an attempt to snap him out of it, had boomed that he was losing his credibility and his relevance. Kris had just instructed his dad to hang up the phone. He had no energy to defend himself. If his fans stopped caring, so be it. This was his life now. There was no escaping it. This was going to be as good as it got. His therapist had him working on acceptance - to Kris, that was a sure sign that she had given up hope, too.
Allie had given up calling, as well. For the first five months, she’d called once a week, always leaving a nice, chipper voice mail, updating him on what was going on with her life. And then the calls started dwindling to one every two weeks, then one a month, and then nothing. Even his best friend had given up on him, never mind the fact that he’d never returned one of her calls. He knew he was a lost cause.
Katy was presently cooking him lunch, as if he were a five year old with a bad cold. He’d tried to tell her not to cook for him, but she came home every day on her lunch break and made something for him anyway. He’d gotten used to it, and after all, if she was going to cook, that left him free to hold down the couch for another hour or two. He sighed wearily, exhausted as he always was, although he did nothing but lie around. That was another cruel joke to Kris - what he needed to do to get himself out of this trap, so his doctors said, was to get up and move -shower, shave, get out of the house, get some exercise, and yet he had energy for none of it. It was like the most brutal catch-22 of his life. He thought about Adam, how he’d come and gotten him out of the house after the divorce, run the beach with him every day. He was battered by the thought that hammered incessantly in his head day after day: if Adam were here, everything would be OK. He kicked the throw pillow at the end of the couch. He didn’t blame Adam for leaving, but he still couldn’t help but torture himself with thoughts of why, why, why?
Katy brought in the tray of food, chattering happily about work and renewing their vows when he was feeling better. She talked about the ceremony with increasing frequency, as if she sensed his growing desperation and thought the subject would cheer him up. Poor Katy, it wasn’t her fault. Again, he was the scoundrel to blame in this situation. He’d led her on, let her believe that he intended to remarry her when they got the illness under control. He felt thwarted and trapped by her expectation, but he had no one to blame but himself. He dismissed the tray with a frustrated wave of his hand and sent Katy back to work with tears in her eyes from his bitterness and agitation. He just…couldn’t…anymore. He felt like he had been existing at the bottom of a long-forgotten well for what seemed like an eternity with no hope of ever escaping. For the first time in months, his eyes began to defrost the frozen tears he’d held inside and let them cascade down his face. He couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t want to do it anymore. There was only one way out of this conundrum that had become his life.
Kris swallowed. The idea was a welcome one. There was a way out. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it a million times before. But today was different. On all of those other days, he’d been too lethargic, too apathetic to do anything about it. But today, he felt a very slight increase in energy, and mental clarity, just enough to give him the courage to go through with what his darkest dreams called to him.
As if they were acting of their own will, Kris’ legs unfurled from underneath him and led him to his bathroom. He pondered the four bottles of pills arranged in the medicine cabinet, side by side. It would be so easy to just go to sleep and never wake back up. He’d been raised Christian, he knew that God was forgiving and there was a Heaven waiting for him. Would God really blame him for escaping? Didn’t God want him to be happy? Surely God didn’t want him to suffer anymore. He didn’t want to suffer anymore. He couldn’t go on like this anymore. His life was as tangled as a knot of knitting yarn and he didn’t have the first idea how or ounce of energy to untangle it. His heartbeat throbbed the words that repeated over and over in his head like the chorus to some macabre melody: I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t anymore, please forgive me, bring me home.
He methodically tipped each bottle of its contents. Round peach pills and diamond shaped blue pills and oblong white pills and small, round green pills covered the countertop. Kris had just had all the scripts refilled so there were in excess of 120 pills in front of him. If he were going to do this, he wanted to do it right and not have to suffer through the humiliation of a failed attempt. He started swiping handfuls off the counter and downing them with the little paper cups by the sink. He’d gotten nearly through half of them when he began to sway. He forced himself to keep swallowing. His mind was blessedly empty and quiet. He found after several more handfuls that he could no longer stand, but he swept the rest of the pills to the floor on his way down. He took as many as he could, one by one, relying on his own saliva to swallow them with. He knew nothing for a minute or two, and then a loud jangling started in his head. It disturbed him and wouldn’t let him sleep, and he so just wanted to fade away into blessed sleep. He pulled himself to his hands and knees and stumble-crawled his way to the phone in his bedroom. He picked it up and tried to inform the caller that he was unavailable at the moment, but he was afraid he didn’t deliver his message clearly. He dropped the phone and flopped face-first onto the floor. Kris’ world went black.
**
Two days later, bleary-eyed and shell shocked, Kim and Neil Allen sat in their kitchen staring at each other.
“We should call Allison,” Kris’ mother said quietly. Neil Allen just nodded.
The silence stretched between the two for what seemed like minutes, when in actuality was probably more like mere moments.
“What about Adam? Should we call Adam?” She continued.
Kris’ father’s head dropped, and tears slid out of his eyes. His head began to shake from side to side, slowly.
“Kim, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s the Christian thing to do. But that boy, he just walked away from Kristopher. He hurt him so bad, and he just couldn’t get over it. I know that’s why he did this. I don’t think I can have Adam here.”
Kim Allen tapped her foot against the rung of the chair and finally gave a short nod.
It was settled.
**
When Allison received the call, she screamed. She’d been in the middle of a production meeting, but she hastily called it off and let them know that she was going to be unavailable for the next week or so. She ended the call with Kris’ mom and immediately dialed her personal assistant and manager. She let them both know that she would be heading to Arkansas immediately and everything having to do with the album needed to be put on hold. She asked her assistant to book her flight while she went home to hastily throw some things into a suitcase. She made sure to include two of her black dresses.
She was in overdrive, completely overloaded with emotional input. She hadn’t even had time to cry. Every time she slowed down enough to think, Kris’ handsome face filled her mind and his name chanted along with it like a litany. Kris, Kris, Kris. Her manager found a flight that left in a little more than two hours, and her manager called back with some details that she needed Allison to take care of before she left. Kris, Kris, Kris. She spent the time between her fervent packing and her flight tying up loose ends at the studio. She still hadn’t had time to process what had happened, but his name kept up a beat in her head. Kris, Kris, Kris.
Once she was finally settled on the plane, comfortably hidden by the blue and black hounds tooth fedora and the wide, dark sunglasses, she finally let the scalding tears fall. Oh, Kris, you damn idiot, you fool, how could you have done this? She breathed normally and did not sob, but the tears continued to fall. She kept her face toward the window and ignored the flight attendants. She couldn’t believe this had happened to her best friend. And what kind of a friend was she? She had given up, stopped calling when he obviously needed her more than ever. She felt she was as much to blame for the tragedy. She looked down at the photo album she’d carried on with her. Pictures from the Idol days, Kris in nearly every one of them. She traced his face with her fingertip. Oh, Kris, what are we gonna do now?
**
When Allison got off the plane, Kris’ parents were waiting for her with a car. At first they drove in silence, Allison and Kim holding hands in the back seat. Then Kris’ mom began describing what he would look like. Allison hung her head and tried not to dread the coming hours, from what Kris’ mom had told her.
When they reached their destination, Kris’ dad held the car door open for both women. They held hands as they entered the building. When they reached the proper room, Kim let go of Allison and gently nodded her forward. Allison took a deep breath and pushed the door open.
There, in the expensive room of the private care facility, gaunt and ghastly, was her best friend, Kris Allen. He was emaciated and there were circles under his eyes that looked like bruises, but he was alive, thankfully, blessedly alive after the attempt he’d pulled. His eyes opened at the sound of the door opening, and he raised his head. He smiled that slow, Kris Allen smile when he saw his old friend, but only for a moment, and then his face fell. Allison sat on the edge of his bed and pulled him into a sitting position and held him, her hand pressed flush against the back of his head, rocking him gently until the worst of their tears had passed.
He sat with his back against the wall and played with the frayed edges of his sweatpants. He looked childish and sheepish.
“Honey,” she began, “there’s got to be a better way to get me out to Arkansas.”
Kris laughed hollowly and shook his head. “You’re a master with the black humor.”
“Eh…I learned from the best.” She instantly wanted to reach out and pull her words back, for they both knew that it was Adam who had the dark wit. Kris stared at her.
“Allie, can I…talk to you? About…him?”
“You can talk to me about anything you want, babe. But first I want to say something. I don’t know how long we have, your mom didn’t say what the visiting hours were. From what I’ve seen, they seem pretty relaxed.”
Kris waved his hand. “At the prices I’m paying for this stay, you might be able to get a cot set up in here with me.”
“Making jokes. Is this improvement I see?”
“I don’t know, Allie. The doctor here thinks a little differently than my regular doctor. He put me on a low dose of an antidepressant, I think it’s…” Kris’ face scrunched up, “it’s called Effexor, I think. Anyway, they told me that a lot of docs don’t want to put people with my type of Bipolar on antidepressants because they can cause mania. But he believes that with enough mood stabilizers and atypical antipsychotics to act as “insurance”, the antidepressant won’t cause mania, but will do what it’s supposed to do - relieve the depression. It’s only been five days, but I do feel a little better. Each day a little bit better. And I don’t know, maybe there’s something to say for still being alive. Like maybe I’m supposed to be here, or something?”
Allison’s eyes shone with tears. “You. Are definitely supposed to be here. And for a long time to come.” She gave his hand a squeeze. He smiled a genuine smile back. It was the best thing Allison had seen in a long time.
“Kris…I love you. I love you so much. I know you’ve been in pain, you’re still in pain. But honey, please, for god’s sake, the next time you feel like doing something like this, call someone. Call me. Call your mom. Call a hotline. But please, God, Kris, don’t ever put us through this again. Do you know how lucky you are to not have any lasting damage to your liver or kidneys? Kris, I know you may not believe it, but your depression is going to go away. You will get your life back. You will forever be changed for what you’ve gone through, but you’ll also be stronger. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Promise me, Kris.” Tears were streaking down her cheeks.
Kris eyes had also filled with tears. “I promise. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Allie. I just - everything. It was too much. I couldn’t see how I’d ever get my life back. I’d lost everything, my career was plummeting, I’d lost my connection with life. I’d lost the most important person in the world to me.”
Kris paused and let his head fall back against the wall. “Tell me about him, Allison. I mean, I know he never wants to see me again, but, like…is he happy?” There was a tone to Kris’ voice that Allison couldn’t place. She thought about how best to proceed.
“Well, you know, of course, it was really hard for him for a while. A long time. He was really hurt. But I don’t want you to feel bad, Kris,” she rushed, “we all make choices, and people have to deal with our choices. And Adam’s doing fine now. Much better. He, ah…he went on a trip. To Peru, actually.”
Kris’ face screwed up in confusion. “What do you mean, feel bad about my choices? And about it being really hard for him but he’s much better now? Allie, what are you talking about?”
Allison hesitated. This wasn’t right. How could Kris not know that his choice had nearly destroyed Adam?
“Kris,” she began, trying to get a better hold on the situation, “why did you and Adam break up?”
Kris hung his head for a few long moments, and then let it fall back against the wall again.
“You know as well as I do, Al. I cheated on him. He didn’t want anything to do with me after that. He said he didn’t care that I was sick, he said…he said that he wouldn’t want someone he’d have to look after for the rest of his life.”
A new understanding was starting to take hold in Allison. “Who told you that, Kris?”
Kris blinked. “Katy. She said she would call him for me. I was so wiped out from everything. All I wanted to do was get in touch with him and try to make things right, but Katy wanted me to rest. She told me when I woke up that he had said all of that.”
Allison reached out and grabbed Kris and wrapped him into a tight hug. “Oh, Krissy. Baby, I’m sorry.” Allison pulled back from him and stroked the side of his face. “She lied.”
“What?” The look of panic on Kris’ face was unmistakable.
“She lied. God, that bitch, I could kick her ass for what she’s put you two through! She told Adam that you thought your relationship was part of the illness, that you were in….” Allison broke off to think and whipped the air with her hands, “…what’s the word when you’re manic but not really manic?”
“Hypomanic?”
“Yeah, that. She told Adam that you told her to tell him that you thought it was all because of your hypomania that you got together, and that you finally realized with the diagnosis and stuff that you made a mistake and you were going back to her. Kris, I’m not kidding, it almost killed him. And she told you that he didn’t want to take you back. And now look where you are. I am going to kill that fucking…gah! I can’t even think of a word bad enough to call her!”
There was wonder in Kris’ eyes. “You mean, he didn’t desert me? He still loves me?”
Allison frowned. “I don’t know, Kris. He went to Peru to put you behind him. He went to Machu Picchu to leave a necklace you gave him, to leave you behind.”
Kris’ mind was whirling. Adam hadn’t left him. Katy had lied. He’d nearly died because of Katy’s lie. Adam was in their dream vacation spot trying to put him behind him.
“Phone. I need a phone. I’ve got to call him, Allie, before we waste another second!”
“Kris, come on. Think about your condition, try not to get stressed.”
“Damnit!” Kris pounded on the mattress. “This is exactly what happened last time. I just want to talk to Adam!”
“OK, let’s just think for a minute. Adam is in Peru. He’s probably not getting coverage down there. You could leave a voice mail, or…you could wait until he gets home to talk to him. Then you’ll have had more time on your medication, you’ll be feeling more like yourself, you’ll have time to think about what you really want to say.”
“No, I’ll go out there. Back to LA, talk to him face to face. That’s the way it should have been all along. I let Katy come between us and now we’ve lost almost eight months. I’m not going to let anything come between us, ever again.” Kris’ eyes were filled with tears, but Allison suspected they were the happy tears, not the sad.
“He sent me an email to say that he was extending his trip for six more weeks. That was three weeks ago. He should be home in a little less than a month,” Allison was beginning to get excited as well.
“That will give me enough time to get more stabilized and maybe even talk to my manager and set up a meeting while I’m out there. Oh my god, Allison. You don’t know how this feels. I’m so…happy. I swore to myself just five days ago that I would never be happy again, and I tried…you know. And now, with one conversation, you’ve brought me back to life.”
He beamed at Allison as they clasped hands together on the mattress they sat on.
**
Allison sat with Kris for the next hour, catching him up on her life, talking to him about her album, and the various things that were going into the production of it. It was her first time trying her hand at producing and she found it fascinating but challenging. They had mutually agreed that they wanted to handle Katy together when she got there for her nightly visit after work. They passed the time amicably, but as much as Kris tried to keep up with Allison’s spirits, he just wasn’t feeling that well yet, and he grew quiet and withdrawn. Allison sat at the foot of the bed while he dozed and sang every soothing song she knew to pass the time. After Kris had nodded off, she took out her phone and listened to voice mails and replied to texts. She was just getting ready to find out if the facility had a cafeteria when the door slowly swung inward and Katy stepped in. Her eyes went wide and somewhat panicked when she saw Allison at the foot of the bed. Allison rose and grabbed Katy by the arm, dragging her back out into the hall.
“Ow. Allison, what…”
“Shut up,” Allison spat out.
“What did you say to me?” Katy was indignant.
“I said Shut. The Fuck. Up.” Allison’s eyes were mean spheres of angry black.
Katy sniffed and raised her head a notch. “I don’t believe I care to…”
“I don’t care what you believe. Listen to me, bitch. Kris almost died five days ago and I hold you personally responsible.”
“How can you say…”
“You cheat on him, say you’re going to marry some other guy, give him the life stressor that it takes to kick his bipolar into action. And although you leaving him wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened, you had to go farther and completely fuck it up with your lies. How could you lie like that, Katy? Take love away from two people who were so happy together just so you could have what you want? I didn’t think people like you really even existed. You make me sick.” Allison was shooting the words at her in rapid fire, her accent coming out thicker in her anger.
Panic entered Katy’s eyes. “Kris knows?”
“Yes, Kris knows. Looks like your perfect little plans are going to come crumbling down around you. And everyone is going to know what a selfish bitch you are.”
Katy’s face turned nasty. “You have no idea why I did what I did. I suppose it wouldn’t occur to someone like you, but I did it out of love for Kris. Adam couldn’t take care of him with his busy schedule, he couldn’t be there. And I could. I felt bad about hurting them, but come on, how serious could Kris have been, he was sick when he was with Adam.”
“He was not sick. I was with him all the time. He was normal everyday Kris, except he was more in love than anyone I’ve ever seen. I think your ego got in the way. You were jealous that Kris had fallen in love with Adam and you thought you could just cut him out of Kris’ heart that easily. Do you see now how much Kris loved Adam?”
“Kris is not depressed because of Adam, he’s depressed because of his illness.”
“You really are fucking clueless, Katy. God! Of course he’s depressed about Adam. You think to pull Kris’ love away from him was to do the best thing for him? You’re sick.”
“I am Kris’ love!” Katy exclaimed, angrily.
Allison couldn’t help herself. It was as if her hand moved of its own will. She reached out and slapped Katy, hard.
“There. You said it right there. You did this for yourself. You’re not fooling anyone. It’s time for you to go home, Katy. Someone I love once fought for me when I couldn’t do it for myself. That guy in there,” Allison inclined her head toward the door, “is too weak to fight for himself right now, so it’s my turn to repay the favor. I will be here for the next week at least. If you come anywhere near him, I will have security called. I will help Kris do whatever he needs to make sure that you aren’t even permitted in the building. I don’t care how you want to handle Kim and Neil. You can either wait for Kris to tell them, or you can throw yourself at their mercy. My guess is, being the wonderfully loving and accepting people that all the Allens are, you will be forgiven, but I’m also guessing that your presence is not going to be welcome for a while. They’re nice, but they’re not stupid. Now get the hell out of here,” she growled.
Katy blinked several times and stared at Allison. Allison’s eyes dared Katy to challenge her. In the end, Katy neither offered any more explanation nor made a final attempt to see Kris. She simply spun on her heel and marched back to the elevator, defeated.