Memory...
An: I got into one of my moods tonight and this came out. I miss my brother? Who knows.
Warnings: DEATH!fic
Summary: Adam does another Rolling Stone interview, only its under very different circumstances
Pairing: Kradam/None
It had been five years since Adam had been in this room. Five years ago, Adam Lambert had just made runner up on American Idol to his best friend, Kris Allen. Five years ago, he had told the world that he had a crush on the pocket sized country boy that was loved and cherished by the entire nation. It had sent everyone into an uproar and Adam spent the better part of his offstage time on the summer tour explaining himself and cleaning up a mess he didnt mean to make. Now he was back here to talk about the one thing in his life he wished had never happened.
RS: Its a sad time Adam. Thanks for being so willing to share with us.
The normally glittery superstar only nods to acknowledge me and sits in the leather backed chair across the table. Turning his cheek towards the window, he tenses and lets out a sigh. Adam Lambert is obviously trying to keep it together for the benefit of the interview.
Adam continues to stare out the window. Thinking back. Thinking that its wrong. Its so wrong for Kris to have the cover of Rolling Stone this way. With things like "In Tribute to" or "In Remembrance of" splashed across his beautiful features. No, contrary to popular belief and despite thier place in the fabric of pop culture("Kradam?" Kris had questioned. "I have a feeling those arent going to be G rated), Kris and Adam had been completely, albeit lovingly, platonic. There was nothing between them...except maybe shared inside jokes about man crushes and bromances("I have a crush on Adam, can I say that?")
RS: Adam, would you mind sharing with us your fondest memory of Kris?
I watch as the international superstar seems to crumble before my eyes. He allowes himself to get smaller. Folding into himself, he deflates and looks bewildered for a moment before regaining the fierceness he seems to embody so well.
Adam feels as though somebody punched him in the stomach. Memory? But that means that Kris is really dead. Its so final. A sob bubbles in his gut and the silence around him is tangible. He clears his throat just for the noise and wracks his brain for one memory that sticks out. But he cant find one. His whole life from Idol til a few weeks ago had been riddled with Kris....
"I dont know. There are so many. Being on stage with Queen was pretty cool though. we were so high on life at that moment, right where we wanted to be. Or our late nights at the mansion, when Kris would fall asleep while we were talking. I would wake up and he would be sitting on the edge of his bed looking like he'd just seen a dead puppy. He'd apologise for falling asleep until he looked ready to cry and my ears were ringing, no matter how many times I told him it was fine. Then Id hug him--" Adam stopped as a sharp pain rippled through him, cutting him off at the lung. Suddenly feeling like he needed to gasp just to get the air required to speak, Adam forced out the next part of the sentance. "I guess his hugs. Ill miss those" he manages, quiet and forced.
Adam is visibly upset now, hair a mess, eyes brimming with tears on the edge of being shed. I almost want to go and comfort him, but I know that wont help. Not now.
Sitting there in the chair, in front of a staff member from Rolling Stone, Adam allows himself to close his eyes. Succumbing to the memories is perhaps the toughest part. Acknowledging that thats all Kris is now, a memory, is probably the hardest task Adam will ever take on. Its a task he cannot guarantee he will complete. As his mind floods with images and his ears overflow with faint sounds, Adam feels that if he were to just reach out, Kris would be there. He will never stop expecting Kris' 3 am calls and thier random trips to the grocery store for country fried chicken(his) and sushi(Adam's). He will never stop expecting Kris at his door every time the bell rings, dropping bags unceremoniously on Adam's freshly polished floors. It was never going to stop, never. Adam wasnt sure he wanted it to.
Adam is in his own world now, and even as a journalist with a job to do and an article to finish, something in his pained expression makes me want to call the meeting to a close. Something else tells me that Adam wants to show the world his love for Kris as much as the world wants to see it, and so I press on.
RS: We're all greiving, obviously. Kris was a very talented musician and the world will miss him. But your greivance is different from ours, how is the healing process going for you?
There was a healing process? Really? Could a person actually heal from something like this? Adam didnt know. He'd never lost anyone before, not anyone that meant this much. In truth it felt as though his world were crashing. He answers honestly. "It hurts more than anyone could ever imagine. Before this, Id heard stories of loss all the time. Id always felt bad for the person, and could see they were obviously in pain. None of those stories prepared me for what Im going through. I dont even know if its a process. Kris is nothing more than a memory now, and I am forced to deal with that long before I am ready to. There is no process. Im always going to hurt. Weeks ago, I lost a part of myself that Ill never get back. Kris was a greater man, musician and person than I could ever dream of being. Ill always miss him"
--
Adam has the Rolling Stone issue handed to him. Slowly he brushes his hands over the glossy images on the cover. There is a big one in the middle, the publicity photo they took for Idol, surrounding this are pictures of Kris and himself, Kris and Katy, Kris and Alli...
Sitting down, he puts his Ipod on shuffle. "Falling slowly" drones in his ears. Its as if Kris is in the room, saying hello in his slightly accented way. During the bridge, Adam finally grasps the courage to slowly flip the pages, finally succumbing to the fact that Kris is now a bunch of jumbled memories. That he may be, but he would always be there.