(no subject)
Title: Cry (2/4)
Author: me
Rating: pg-13
Summary: "I do it again and this time you kind of crumble in on yourself and there’s a loud sniffle like you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re crying."
Disclaimer: i own none of thisss
Author's Notes: so yes this turned into a 4 part series. the first part is linked below! thanks for the love on the first one. comments are GREATLY appreciated. (idk why it bolded i tried taking it off but it wouldn't work. sorry if it's hard to read) PS-idk how long it will be before the 3rd part is up. ill be a little busy this weekend so maybe saturday night maybe sunday night. no later HOPEFULLY. :)
ONLY ONE (1/4): http://community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/748598.html#cutid1
Cry
“Katy’s in labor,” I huff out while running. Running to Katy, running away from my thoughts.
I hang up before you can respond and shove the phone in my pocket. I desperately hope that you will come to Sedars-Cenai and be here for me. I need you. Even with the baby coming you’re the only one I want right now. You’re the only one I’ve ever really needed.
The hallway is empty save for my parents and Katy’s parents. The doctor is out talking to them so I put on a brave face and hurry over. “The baby doesn’t want to come out, it seems. Katy could be in labor for hours,” I catch him saying and my heart does a back flip. Hours. Katy will be in there for hours.
I swallow hard and turn away, taking off down another hallway. This one is empty. The wall is cold against my forehead but it feels good. I don’t think I’ll be one-hundred percent until you get here. Until you can get here and forget your anger for a moment and be my friend at least, instead of the one who loves me so completely all the time. I’ll settle for a friend right now. Anything that will keep you by my side for the next few hours.
“Kris?”
I bolt upright, going a little dizzy and not figuring out how much time has passed, but it’s real. You’re real and standing there at the bend in the hallway and you’re confused but you’re real. For a moment I believed that you wouldn’t come and that you would leave me here to deal with this all by myself. I can’t do it without you.
“You’re here.” Without reason or thought I barrel straight into your chest and wrap my arms around you, hugging you tightly because you feel solid and here and I know it will keep me grounded…for now.
I know there’s reluctance behind the action but you put your arms around me anyway. “Of course I’m here,” you respond. I give you another squeeze before pulling away, shuffling back to give you room. You stare at me, obviously waiting for me to say or do something, anything. So I stare back, look you up and down because you seem different.
Your hair is shorter in a mess of gelled up tufts and it has a brighter blue streak than the last time I saw you. How long ago was it? Almost six months? Six months of not seeing you. The only reason you came to me six months ago was because I wanted to go out to lunch and give you the news, the sex of the baby. But once I told you, you got up and left and I haven’t heard from you until now. You’re skinnier, more built. Your nails are still painted and your make-up is still flawless and your clothes are still tight and perfect. You’re still perfect.
Yet I can see the anger. I can see it right there behind those eyes that never fail to make a person melt. Like the blue is the hottest part of the flame, so is your anger towards me. It has been since that day I left a little over nine months ago. You kicked me out even though I had already chosen to leave and it stung. It has always stung. Thinking about you hurts but now, seeing you, makes me feel like I’m drowning.
“Are you okay? Is Katy okay?” I nod absently in answer to your questions but you roll yours eyes and grab my hand then start hurrying back to where the parents are waiting. I like how good it feels to have my hand in yours after so long. You drag me along until we’re standing in front of my parents; Katy’s parents are in the room.
“Kris, honey, you look tired.” I wave off my mom’s concerns but she never listens to me anyway. “Let Adam take you home and get some rest. We’ll call if something happens.” Even though I don’t want to leave Katy, I nod anyway and my insides do a flip. I get to be alone with you, hopefully, if you’ll let me.
“Alright. Let me go speak to Katy first.” I give your hand a squeeze and let go. The door opens and Katy’s parents walk out, letting me pass by them into the room.
She’s pale and breathing hard but she’s smiling. She wants this so badly; has since we got married almost three years ago. I want it, too, but I didn’t think it would come so soon. I thought…I thought I would have more time with you. But then Katy called me and told me the news and everything broke so soon and so suddenly.
“Hey,” she mutters and her eyes slip closed. She’s sweaty but she still looks beautiful. This baby will be beautiful. I just know it. I take her hand and tell her that I’m leaving for a while, that I won’t be gone long, and she understands. She tells me to go, that I need it, that I should spend time with you while you’re here.
As I’m leaving she tells me she loves me and that she can’t wait for this baby to be here. I can’t look at her. I have to look away and hurry out the door, telling her goodbye and that I’ll be back later. You’re waiting for me near the end of the hallway, leaning against the wall talking on your cell phone. I absently say goodbye to everyone else, jog to you, and wait for you to notice I’m standing next to you.
You mutter a few words into the phone then hang up and, without a word said to me, you motion to the doors and start walking.
***
The house feels so weird with you standing in the doorway, awkward and shy like I’ve only ever seen a few times. “You can come in, Adam.” You nod and step inside farther, shutting the door behind you.
The silence is killing me. I need you to say something, want you to say something. “I’ll fix you something to eat,” you say suddenly and before I can protest you’re hurrying to the kitchen, stripping your jacket and shoes off along the way. “You go take a bath, relax.” You’re practically ordering me around in my own house but I don’t mind.
“Fine,” I mutter and head for the bathroom.
It doesn’t take long for the tub to fill with steaming hot water. I strip and step in, not really caring that the water stings, and sit until I can rest my head on the rim of the tub. But it’s hard to relax knowing you’re here, just in the kitchen, probably cooking something out of a box or ordering take-out; you never were one to cook much. Sighing, I close my eyes and try not to think about you. It’s so easy to think, though. You’ve been away so long and seeing you, speaking to you, being near you has my feelings going into overdrive.
The door opens and you’re stepping in, drinking from a mug filled to the top with coffee. “You’re way too calm for a guy who’s going to be a father soon,” you state while sitting on the closed toilet seat and staring at me.
“I’m so sorry.” I clamp my mouth closed as soon as the words slip out. But you don’t flinch. You shrug.
“Alright then, I’ll leave.” You make to get up and head for the door and the idea of you leaving me, possibly forever, sends me into a panic.
“NO!” You look surprised at my outburst. Does anything I ever do really surprise you anymore? You’ve always been able to pinpoint my every move; you’ve always been able to read me like an open book. So why do you seem so surprised now? Were you expecting me to tell you to leave, to agree with you, to be nonchalant and just thank you for coming home with me and being civil?
Shaking your head you walk out the open door and I’m afraid, for a moment that I’m going to hyperventilate, panic, because I don’t want you to leave. I never want to see you leave, ever. “I’ll be in the kitchen. The noodles should be finished soon.” Then you’re walking away.
I try to relax for the rest of the bath but it doesn’t work. I’m too wound up from already spending two hours at the hospital with the promise of several more on top of that, the tension between Katy and I, the expectations from my parents, the new album. It’s all becoming too much to handle right now. And now I have a baby coming into the world, soon enough at least, and I have to be there for them. Right now, though, I think I can just wipe it away and focus on you for the amount of time you’ll be here.
I find you standing over the stove after the bath, fork hovering over a pot of boiling noodles and it smells like ramen. “It’s almost ready,” you comment without turning around. Even though you don’t see it I nod. I watch you, standing there, and for the first since we got here see how badly you’re shaking. The fork is tapping against the side of the pot randomly and your other hand, the one that’s clutching the edge of the counter, is white-knuckled and barely still. Something isn’t right.
“Adam? What’s wrong?” You shake your head and turn the stove off. But you don’t move to take the pot off or empty the noodles into the bowl sitting beside the stove-top and you just don’t move. I cautiously step up behind you, touch your shoulder, and you shrug me off in an instant. It hurts but I imagine that the way I left you all those months ago hurt worse.
I do it again and this time you kind of crumble in on yourself and there’s a loud sniffle like you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re crying. I know you though. I’ve seen you cry and break down and suffer through heartbreak. I was there, at the beginning of Idol, when those stupid pictures were leaked and I let you cry on my shoulder. I’ve seen you break over something Brad did or the time Drake broke up with you. This…this is different. This time you’re not turning to me for comfort you’re shying away and trying not to cry.
“Don’t worry about me. Eat and le-“
The phone rings, shrill and loud. I race to get it and it’s my mom on the other end. The baby is coming. You’re right behind me, shoving your feet into your shoes fast and snatching your jacket off the coat rack. You show no trace of tears, no trace of the sniffles, nothing. You’re the picture of cool and collected.
I’m not. I think I break all the road rules on the way to the hospital. You’re in your car behind me, speeding just as fast, and when we both park it’s in a no parking zone but I could care less about tickets right now. I run inside and for the first time tonight I don’t care that you’re here. For a moment.
***
She’s wrapped in a bundle of pink and huddled in her little cubby in the nursery, screaming her lungs out. But she’s beautiful. A nurse smiles and waves at me through the window, pointing to the baby in a questioning manner. I nod and she picks the bundle up and brings her outside into the hallway. “Congratulations daddy.” The nurse grins once more before disappearing into another room.
“Hey there gorgeous.” She gurgles and coos back at me, eyes sleepy and cheeks rosy. “You’ve got your mom’s lungs,” I laugh and the first of the tears brim up.
Anna Grace. Tiny and new and pretty. My little girl. She blows a spit bubble and when it pops she gurgles again. Then her finger wraps around mine and it only takes a tiny baby smile to get the tears flowing.
In her face I see all the times I went behind Katy’s back and lied to her. In her beautiful face I can see all the regret of lying, all the times I spent with you. In her face I can see the future and it’s bright but not as bright as it could be. Because you left as soon as you got to meet the baby and then you were gone. You were gone just like that and didn’t even say goodbye to me. But I have the baby now, and all thoughts of you should be pushed aside and buried until the next time I see you. I’ll deal with them later.
Right now…right now I’m going to stand here and hold baby Anna and stare at her pretty face and cry.
Cry for everything.