Tainted -- Chapter 8
“What’s the matter, sweetie?”
Kris didn’t look up, closing his eyes in irrational irritation at the sound of Larissa’s voice.
He wasn’t really sure why he felt so agitated by her concern. Her primary concern seemed to be for his well-being rather than Adam’s in all this, and that bothered him a little - but wasn’t that sort of her job, as his girlfriend? She was only trying to help. He knew it wasn’t fair to take his frustration and hurt out on her.
He opened his eyes and looked up at her with a weak, half-hearted smile, reaching out to take her hand as she reached him and sat down beside him. He knew what was really troubling him, and it didn’t have anything to do with Larissa. It wasn’t her fault that Adam had rejected his attempts at comfort and sent him away.
But he didn’t… not at first…
Kris frowned in confusion as he remembered the way Adam had gratefully received his hug when they’d first talked in his hospital room - the desperation with which Adam had clung to him, as if he was afraid to let go. He had been afraid to put his arms around his friend, but then Adam had just held on to him so tightly, pressing his face against Kris’s neck as if he wanted nothing more than just to hide there forever.
He wanted me there with him then… I know he did. I know I didn’t imagine that. So why the cold shoulder barely an hour later?
“Kris?”
Larissa’s timid voice drew his attention, reminding him that she had asked him a question that he had yet to answer. Kris forced himself to focus on her and squeezed her hand reassuringly, shaking his head as he reluctantly met her gaze.
“It’s nothing. Probably nothing. I… I don’t know.” He sighed, running his free hand down over his face in a gesture of weary frustration. “It’s just… Adam. He… he’s acting weird.”
Larissa frowned, gently stroking the back of Kris’s hand with her thumb in an automatic soothing motion. “Weird, how?”
Kris shook his head, at a loss. “Like he… I don’t know… like he doesn’t want me around, or something.” He let out a sheepish, nearly silent laugh. “I know that’s stupid. This isn’t about me. I know his family’s here, and he probably needs some time alone with them, and I shouldn’t be getting all over-sensitive when Adam’s the one who’s hurting, and whatever he needs, I should just be happy to give it to him, even if it’s for me to go away, but something’s obviously not right, and I just…”
At that point he literally ran out of air and took in a deep, shaky breath, running a trembling hand through his hair before meeting Larissa’s eyes again. His voice was heartbreakingly uncertain when he softly spoke again, searching her gaze for some sign, some answer to the myriad questions that filled his mind.
“I don’t get it. Did I do something wrong?”
“Oh, no, sweetie, no, I’m sure you didn’t.” Larissa leaned in closer to him, rubbing his back slowly, soothingly with her free hand. “It’s just that his family is just getting to talk to him for the first time, and I’m sure he needs a little time with the people closest to him to help him deal with everything he’s been through.”
Kris looked up sharply, stung by the subtle insinuation in her words - that he might not be among said “closest” to Adam. Larissa worried her lower lip with her teeth, her brow furrowed in immediate regret for the careless words.
“I mean,” she backtracked quickly, “I know you two are really close and all… but… really, you’ve only known each other for less than a year, and family… well, family is family, you know? That’s who most people would want to turn to in a situation like this.” She hesitated before continuing, “Besides… we both know how… how Adam feels about you. He probably… doesn’t want you to see him like this. If he’s pushing you away… that’s probably why.”
Kris felt a sick, uneasy sensation in the pit of his stomach as he processed her words, and their less obvious implications. There was something in her tone - some hint of… disapproval? displeasure? - that troubled him, though he couldn’t quite put his finger on exactly what it was.
The thing that he recognized as more distinctly troubling, however, was the suggestion implicit in her comment that Adam’s feelings for him might get in the way of the close friendship they had developed - that Adam’s crush might prevent him from wanting to allow Kris to see his weakness and vulnerability.
Yeah, right. Like I haven’t seen it, and he hasn’t seen mine, a dozen times before…
During their time in the Idol mansion, Kris had lost count of the number of times he had gone to Adam for support when he was freaking out about a song choice, or a fight with Larissa, or some troubling situation back home. Likewise, Adam had gradually begun to open up to him as well, confiding in him about fears and insecurities that Kris had been amazed to discover even existed.
When Adam had made his declaration in Rolling Stone, not only about his sexuality, but more specifically about his feelings for Kris, Kris was open with Adam immediately about what he thought about it, and quick to make sure he understood that it didn’t change anything between them. In return, Adam was very open and honest with him about the way he felt, and it had led to a lengthy, intimate conversation that had only served to strengthen their bond.
Throughout the course of their friendship, their utter honesty with each other had only served to deepen that friendship rather than to tear it apart.
And if Rissa knows me at all, she should know better than to think anything else. Where has she been for the last eight months?
Kris had no idea why Adam had been so cold with him earlier. All he knew was that Adam was hurting - as evidenced by the tears that had streaked his face when last Kris had seen him - and he wanted nothing more than to help him through the ordeal he was experiencing. At the moment, however, Adam’s reaction had left him feeling useless and unwanted, lost and unsure of what to do next.
“Kris?”
Kris looked up, then rose to his feet when he saw who had spoken his name. Adam’s mother was making her way down the hallway toward the waiting area where he and Larissa sat. As she reached them, he took her hand in his, covering it with the other hand and gently shaking it.
“There you are,” Leila Lambert sighed with relief. “I’ve been wanting to speak to you…”
“Mrs. Lambert… how is he?” Kris asked, his voice trembling and uncertain.
She had told him on several occasions to call her Leila, but Kris couldn’t seem to get past the manners he’d acquired from his Southern upbringing. He had always referred to the parents of his friends as “Mr” and “Mrs” out of respect, and it was a difficult habit to break.
At the moment, Leila was far too distracted to correct him on such a minor issue.
“He’s… fragile, right now,” she replied. “I… I don’t know…” Her voice trailed off and she shook her head, her eyes troubled and uncertain.
“You said you were looking for me?” Kris couldn’t keep the hopeful note from his voice. “Does he want to see me?”
A sympathetic grimace passed across Leila’s face as she shook her head again. “I’m sorry, no, sweetie.” She frowned in obvious confusion. “But… I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t. You’re his best friend, Kris. When he calls home, you’re practically all he talks about.”
She glanced a bit self-consciously toward Larissa as she spoke, as if remembering herself a moment too late, and Kris felt his face heat with awkward embarrassement as he realized how that comment might sound to his girlfriend, who was well aware of Adam’s feelings for him. Leila continued, however, not allowing enough time to dwell on the slightly uncomfortable topic.
“I’m sorry, Kris. I’m sorry he spoke to you the way he did, and I can’t imagine why he would,” she said. “I’m sure he didn’t mean…”
“It doesn’t matter.” Kris waved a dismissive hand, shaking his head. “I only care that he’s all right. That’s all I want to know. But… but if he won’t talk to me…” His brow creased in worry as he met Leila’s eyes again, a new concern occurring to him. “Is he alone right now? He shouldn’t be…”
“He’s talking to the police.” Leila seemed troubled by the question as she answered. “He… he asked us to leave the room so he could speak with them.” She paused, her voice small and a little scared as she posed a thoughtful question, as much to herself as to Kris. “What would he have to tell them that he couldn’t tell me? I asked him to tell me what happened, but he won’t really give me any straight answers. Everything he says is very vague. He says he can’t remember anything - how many there were, what they said, voices, looks, anything - and I know he has to remember something. If he didn’t, why would he have asked me to leave?”
Kris was as confused as she was by Adam’s behavior, but strangely, selfishly reassured by the fact that Adam’s mother was noticing the same worrying things that he was noticing.
If he’s shutting her out, too… then maybe it’s not just me… maybe it’s…
“Trauma?” he suggested aloud, his tone distant and thoughtful. “He’s been through so much. Maybe he’s blocked most of it out…”
“No, I don’t think so.” Leila shook her head, dismissing that idea. “There’s something… off… about the way he’s acting.” She raised her pensive gaze to meet Kris’s eyes, a solemn intensity in her own. “My son has never lied to me, Kris. We’ve always been able to talk about everything. That’s why…” She took a deep breath, struggling over the words. “… that’s why I know he’s lying now. I don’t know why, or what it is that he’s trying to cover up, but… but I know Adam remembers more than he’s telling me. There’s some part of the picture we’re not getting here.”
“Maybe Kris is right,” Larissa spoke up hesitantly. “People sometimes react very strangely to trauma. Everyone is different. Maybe this is just his way of coping with…”
“No, I know my son.” Leila cut her off without any hostility, just a firm certainty in her voice. “And I know that something is very wrong here.” She turned her attention toward Kris, taking a step closer to him and reaching out to take his hand, drawing his focus completely onto her.
“Adam might be pushing you away for some reason that we can only guess at… but in the end, I have the feeling that he’s really going to need you, Kris. You may be the only one he’s comfortable enough with to really open up whenever the time comes that he feels ready to do so.” She swallowed hard, struggling for control of her emotions, her eyes welling with tears as she continued in a soft, slightly pleading voice. “Please forgive his behavior. I know he’s trying really hard right now - but please don’t let him push you away.”
Kris studied her expression for a long moment, taking in the love and desperate determination that he felt himself, reassured by the knowledge that they had a common goal in this nightmarish situation - helping Adam. That was the priority, no matter how difficult he was trying to make it, or how much it hurt.
Nothing else matters…
“I won’t, Mrs. Lambert,” Kris assured her, holding her gaze intently, a promise in his own as he silently willed her to see how much he meant it. “I promise, I won’t."
TBC...