Tainted -- Chapter 12
Once he managed to pull himself together again, Kris made his way out of the bathroom. As he passed through the waiting room, his friends cast anxious looks in his direction. Larissa started toward him as if to plead her case again, but Kris held up a halting hand, shaking his head, his jaw set in stubborn refusal to deal with her.
He had more important matters to deal with at the moment.
He gave a rapid, cursory knock on Adam’s door before opening it and walking in, closing the door firmly behind him. Adam was still alone, and looked up at Kris in wary surprise, an unspoken question in his wide, impossibly blue eyes. Kris found himself instantly softening at the unmasked fear and vulnerability he saw there, in that brief instant before Adam had time to guard it.
His voice was weary and a little impatient when he finally spoke. “Kris… what are you doing? I told you…”
“Just… give me a second.” Kris softly cut him off, holding up a hand for silence, his pensive gaze focused somewhere just beyond Adam as he struggled to gather his thoughts. “I have to talk to you. You don’t have to say anything afterwards, and I’ll just go away when I’m done, but… I have something I need to say, and I need to know that you’ve heard it.”
Adam’s lips were already parted to protest Kris’s presence in the room, but he slowly closed his mouth, his eyes troubled and uncertain, waiting in silence for Kris to go on.
“I… I know you don’t want me here. I… don’t have any idea why.” Kris swallowed hard, visibly struggling with his emotions. “But whatever you need, that’s what I want you to have right now. If you need me gone, fine. And I’m not saying that spitefully. I mean it. I am fine with whatever you need.” Kris met Adam’s eyes earnestly, willing him to see his sincerity as he continued in a trembling voice. “But… if you change your mind. If you decide later on that you do want to… to talk to me, or… or anything… you can.”
Adam blinked in surprise, visibly taken aback by the naked devotion in Kris’s words and expression.
“I’m going to give you your… space, or whatever, but… I’m not going far. I don’t want you to think for a second that I’m… mad, or… or would… turn you away. I wouldn’t ever. If you change your mind, no matter how much later… I’ll still be here. I just… needed you to know that.”
Without waiting for a response, Kris nodded once to punctuate his words, then turned and opened the door to leave again.
“Kris… wait…”
Kris froze in the doorway, his heart racing, a knot in his throat, barely daring to hope. He slowly turned to face Adam again, biting his lower lip, gazing up at his friend through lowered, guarded eyes. Adam was silent for so long that Kris began to wonder if he was going to speak at all; and when he did, his voice was hoarse, halting, thick with unshed tears.
“I can’t… change my mind… about this…” Adam hesitated, eyes wide and downcast, blinking back tears. “I… I can’t. But… thank you…” He looked up, meeting Kris’s eyes with an intent, vulnerable gaze, revealing for just an instant how desperately he wanted to say so much more. “Thank you.”
Kris studied his expression, trying to read the dark mysteries Adam was trying so hard to conceal, before Adam broke his gaze, looking down at the bed - making it perfectly clear that Kris was no longer needed here - dismissed. Kris nodded in silent response before turning and slipping out the door.
Over the course of the next few days, as Adam began to recover, Kris stayed at the hospital, wanting to make sure he knew about any improvements or other changes in Adam’s condition; but he didn’t go back to Adam’s room. His mind was constantly in torment, wrestling with the dark questions raised by Larissa’s suggestions. He hoped desperately that it wasn’t true, that Adam hadn’t been subjected to such a level of abuse and degradation - but the horrific idea made too much sense to be dismissed entirely.
He knew that whatever had happened to Adam, Leila Lambert probably held the answers that he desperately wanted.
He respected Adam’s privacy far too much to ask.
Danny, Michael, Matt, and the other Idols all remained close to the hospital, taking their turns waiting with Kris. Those who had heard Larissa’s theories never mentioned them to Kris again. Larissa herself stayed close to Kris, but timidly kept her distance, afraid to try to explain herself again.
She had tried, once, immediately after Kris’s final conversation with Adam, but Kris had dismissed her coldly.
“Leave me alone,” he’d ordered in a quiet, detached voice. “Every time you talk to me about this, it just makes me angrier.”
No one thought that the tension in the waiting room could have risen any higher - until a couple of Idol producers showed up. Kris watched them with resentment as they spoke with the doctors, then with Adam’s family, and finally made their way into his room, accompanied by a very grudging, reluctant Leila Lambert.
Kris felt a rush of protective resentment as he silently watched them, having no doubt as to why they were there.
They don’t care about Adam. They just want to know what’s going to happen to their precious tour. Screw the tour. All that matters is that he’s safe… that he gets better… but to them, all that matters is what they can get from him…
They’re no better than the guys that did this to him.
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By the time the producers left Adam’s room, he was shaking violently, a wreck, overwhelmed with the weight of the expectations upon him - and Leila was in the midst of a quietly seething rage.
“Adam, sweetie, you don’t have to do this,” she declared, ceasing her frenetic pacing at his side to meet his eyes as she reached out and gently grasped his trembling hand. “No matter what they say, they can’t force you to continue the tour. No contract on earth would stand up under circumstances like this.”
Adam’s voice was soft and slightly distracted. “I know.”
“No one would blame you, baby,” Leila insisted, her voice softening as her thumb gently caressed the back of his hand, held up in hers so that it was near the level of his face. “If you want to just… just come home, for a while… you know you can. You know I’d be happy to have you there with me again. You know - for more than just a couple of weeks.”
The plan that Adam had just agreed to allowed him to go home for a couple of weeks following his release from the hospital in a few days, during which time his time would be completely his own. Ideally, it would allow him the freedom to come to terms with what had happened to him, to steady and prepare himself before finishing the rest of the tour. The other Idols would go home as well, to spend time with their families and deal with their own reactions to what had happened.
The shows that had already been missed, and would be missed during the coming weeks, would be rescheduled and added on to the end of the tour.
Adam closed his eyes, leaning his brow against his and his mother’s joined hands, breathing deeply and taking comfort from the simple contact. He was bone tired - physically, emotionally, mentally - and wasn’t sure he could deal with the pressure that seemed to be closing in on him. The idea of simply going home to his mother’s house and allowing her to take care of him for an indefinite period of time was unbelievably appealing.
And yet - he knew that it wouldn’t work.
He knew on a deep, instinctive level that he couldn’t give up and run away from this; it would find him wherever he tried to hide. He had to keep going - had to find a way to get back some of the power and confidence that had been stolen from him. He thought back to the last place he could remember feeling safe and complete and strong - and he desperately needed to feel that way again.
He had to get back on that stage.
Maybe if I can get back there… maybe if I can perform again… I can get back to normal… things can be like they were before… before…
But if I can’t… if they’ve taken that from me… then they’ve taken everything.
Then I’ll never be okay again.
He couldn’t put it into words, but he knew that his mother would get it. He knew that she only wanted to protect him, to help him recover from this nightmare - but he also knew that she’d understand why he couldn’t let her.
“Mom,” he whispered, shaking his head slowly against the back of her hand. “I need this. I know it seems… seems like too much, but… please trust me. I know that this is what I need.”
Leila slowly sank down into the chair beside his bed, raising her free hand to cup his cheek and gently push him back so that she could meet his eyes. Both their faces were streaked with tears, their eyes red-rimmed and unguarded, their emotions laid bare before each other. She studied his expression for a long moment, trying to understand what he was telling her - and finally coming to the conclusion she sought.
“Okay, sweetheart,” she murmured, pressing a tender kiss to his brow before drawing back to brush his loose, disheveled hair back from his face. “If this is what you need, you know I’m behind you all the way. But… you can always come back home… and I’ll fight tooth and nail against anyone who tries to stand in your way.”
Her words brought an affectionate smile to Adam’s face, even through his tears, and he let out a soft, shaky laugh. “Haven’t you always?”
She laughed with him, drawing him into her arms and holding him close, her hand sliding slowly, soothingly, up and down his back, still shaking with silent laughter. Although there was no sound, no difference in the motion, Leila knew instantly when that laughter changed to tears, and wordlessly tightened her embrace, rocking slowly back and forth. She raised one hand to cup the back of Adam’s head, pressing his face into the crook of her neck and whispering soothing shushing sounds into his ear.
“I love you, baby,” she whispered at last, kissing his temple. “And I’m right with you through this… all of this… any time you need me.”
“I know…”
Adam whispered, clinging to her with a desperation that came of knowing that despite her promise, he wouldn’t have her with him forever. As much as he knew that he needed to go back on tour, needed the release that came with pouring his everything into a song, Adam knew that when the tour resumed…
… he would be utterly alone.
Worse than alone, because he would be within sight, within touching distance, of his very best friend - and yet he would be always just out of reach.
TBC...