Fic: The Tie [10/66]
“Please…come back!” Kris yelled after Adam. He heard the front door slam and tried to get up, but the pain in his groin was still excruciating. He forced himself to stand, put his hands on his knees and took some deep breaths. After he could take a few steps without wincing, he made his way into the living room. What the fuck! It seemed that Adam had suffered some kind of seizure and Kris was extremely worried about him. Why did he look so scared, like I was hurting him? He tried to think if he’d done anything to make Adam afraid of him. Well, you did pounce on him pretty ruthlessly. But why would that scare him? Adam was obviously in favor of rough, passionate sex. He shook his head, utterly bewildered.
He walked outside, saw Adam’s car parked on the street and rushed over to it as quickly as he could, but no one was inside. Looking around the dark, empty streets, Kris knew Adam was probably far enough away by now that he couldn’t catch him on foot. Why didn’t he drive? This made absolutely no sense and only increased Kris’ feeling of panic. He ran back in for his keys, got in his car and drove up and down the streets looking for Adam. There is no way he would’ve walked home and even if he did, he wouldn’t be there yet. Oh my god, what happened to him? His eyes were starting to sparkle with tears.
After an hour of searching, he sped up and took off for Adam’s apartment. Please let him be there. He finally found the club after taking a few wrong turns. It was still crowded despite it being a Monday night; he had to park two blocks away and then half ran, half walked to the club. Heart racing, he took the steps two at a time. He was wheezing by the time he finally reached Adam’s floor and tried to catch his breath while knocking on the door. “Adam!” he called, panting, “please open up if you’re there…please!” There was no response. He hammered at the door again. “I’m not mad at you…I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and I don’t care if I can’t have children now….Adam please!” he cried, “I just want to know if you’re okay…I need to know that you’re okay!”
The heavy beats from the club below were the only sounds Kris could hear. He pressed his ear against the door for a minute, and then finally admitted defeat. Exhausted, he went downstairs. When he reached the first floor, he was suddenly struck with the idea that Adam might be in the club somewhere; he obviously spent a lot of time there if he had keys to a back room. I wonder if he works there. Even though it was highly unlikely that Adam would be working right now, he needed to look anyway, just to be sure.
It was insanely crowded in the club. Kris wove in and out of the mass of bodies and even went back to the room they had been in, searching for any sign of Adam. No sounds came from the locked room and after about thirty minutes of looking everywhere, he gave up. Why didn’t I get his phone number? Shit. His face grew hard and determined as he drove home. I’m going back there every night until I find him.
Adam’s car was still parked outside Kris’ apartment building. Where did he go? Kris felt like a wreck. He was so confused and worried, tired from running all over town and his balls still felt like Adam’s knee had been made of lead. You were hoping to have a hot, sweet night with him and instead you got this. Is he really worth it? He flipped on the lights and dropped his keys in a bowl by the door. Standing there in the small foyer, he thought about how his life had changed in the short time since he met Adam. The attraction he felt towards him was intense, not doubt, but there was more to it than that. For as long as he could remember, Kris had been a passenger in his relationships but never a driving force, always meekly accepting whatever happened to him like a leaf floating downstream. Although he wasn’t sure it was entirely accurate to say that he had a ‘relationship’ with Adam, he knew with a certainty that Adam had changed him forever and that there was no going back. But you can use what you’ve learned with other men now; it doesn’t have to be Adam.
“Yes it does!” he yelled out to the empty room, fists clenched at his side. Whoa. Down boy. He didn’t care. He didn’t care what Adam was hiding, he didn’t care that Adam had kicked him out of his apartment, had flipped out on him and kneed him in the balls. He. Wanted. Adam. And god damn it, he was not going down without a really good fight. “So there!” he told the room.
He had a fitful night. In addition to being worried about Adam, his sleep had been constantly interrupted by dreams of Adam yelling that he never wanted to see Kris again because Kris had hurt him so badly. When his alarm went off at 7am, he seriously considered calling out sick from work, not just because he was tired, but he also couldn’t stand the thought of working while still not knowing where Adam was. He’s probably fine, at home asleep in his bed…but…but what if he’s not? What if he is in a hospital somewhere or… he tried not to think about that. He briefly thought of checking local hospitals but suddenly realized that he didn’t even know Adam’s last name. Shit! You need to stop this. Go to work, you need the distraction. He finally decided he would call the store and say he’d be late this morning so he could go by Adam’s first.
Adam's car was still parked out in front. Where is he and why doesn't he need his car anymore?
Since the club was closed at this early hour, it was easy to listen at Adam’s door for any sounds of movement. He banged on it for ten minutes; Adam was either a very sound sleeper, ignoring him, or not home. If he’s not at home this early…UGH…stop it, you barely even know him…he could be staying with relatives for all you know…this doesn’t mean that he’s in trouble. If he were home, why would he ignore me? He thought again about his dreams and felt tortured that he might have done something to hurt Adam. Just go to work and come back later. Thank god he didn’t have school tonight.
Matt came into work at 11am, looking way too cheerful for Kris’ liking. Crap, he’s going to ask, of course he is.
“Whoa, you look like shit.”
“Good morning to you, too,” Kris muttered.
“What, did you guys pull an…all nighter?” he grinned cheekily, but then looked closer at Kris. “Jesus, Kris, you look like somebody died. What the hell happened last night?”
Kris found that he really didn’t want to talk about it…at all. He was too tired, too worried and confused and he had no energy to try to explain things to Matt. Hell, he wasn’t even sure what he’d tell him anyway. “Matt, I’m really sorry, man, but I just don’t want to talk about it, okay?”
“Hey, no problem. I won’t pry or anything, but let me know if you change your mind.” He looked concerned, but he smiled gently and headed off to start his shift.
Kris checked the clock for what felt like a hundred times that day. It was agonizing, and he was so overly grateful when he had customers to distract himself that he must have appeared slightly manic in his enthusiasm to help them, to keep them talking.
4pm. Finally!! He ran by the shoe department and yelled a quick “see ya later” to Matt on his way out.
He went through the same routine as he had last night…banging on Adam’s door, searching the club…no Adam. Growling, he pounded his fists on a nearby wall, angry tears filling his bloodshot eyes. It was still early enough that the sound echoed in the half empty room, and the bartender in the corner gave him a peculiar glance. Oh my god! Why didn’t I think to ask around? Mentally kicking himself for his stupidity, he hurried over and approached the bar.
“Hey man, do you know a guy named Adam that might work here?”
The bartender looked at him incredulously. “Are you fucking serious?”
Well that’s a strange response. “Yes! Does he work here?”
“Where the fuck have you been for the past year?” he said, continuing to stare at Kris in disbelief.
“Look,” Kris said, thoroughly irritated now, “I’ve been trying to find him, okay, so he definitely works here?”
“Uh, yeah, like four times a week,” he said in a tone that made it clear he thought Kris was an idiot, “but you’re a day early…come back tomorrow around eight.” The bartender scoffed. “You look like exactly his type, too, so your chances should be pretty good.
My chances at what? What kind of work does Adam do here anyway? But before he could ask either of these questions, the bartender disappeared through a door behind the bar. What the hell…my chances? Although he was extremely relieved to know that he might finally be able to see Adam as soon as tomorrow, Kris felt plagued by the bartender’s comment and it only added to his already strung out nerves. Plus, he just remembered that he had class tomorrow until 9pm and he was supposed to get back his demo so he couldn’t miss it. FUCK.
The only way he could get through the rest of the evening was by convincing Matt to do a Back to The Future marathon. Wish I had a time machine. Then he could transport himself to tomorrow night…the not knowing, the waiting was the worst part of it all; it gave him too much time to ruminate on questions he had no answers to.
He was just starting to doze off when Matt spoke up. “Kris?”
“Yeah?” he mumbled.
“I’m kind of worried about you, man,” Matt said, pausing the movie.
Kris sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. He had to tell him something. “Alright listen, last night went really well until Adam had some kind of fit and ran off --”
“A fit?”
“-- and I’ve been looking for him ever since and tonight I found out that he works at the club we were at weeks ago and that he’s supposed to be working tomorrow.” He flopped back against the couch, totally worn out but knowing he was in for another sleepless night.
“Um…so what do you mean, he had a fit?”
“I don’t know, Matt!” he yelled, “he went all rigid and then started thrashing around and then took off.” He drew a deep breath…it wasn’t Matt’s fault, he was just so tired and emotionally overwrought. “I’m sorry…I’ve just been really worried about him and I barely slept last night.”
“Dude…are you, are sure he’s worth all this?”
Kris sat up again and turned to look directly at Matt. “Without a doubt.”
The next day Kris pounded back 5-hour energy drinks like they were water. He wasn’t technically supposed to have food or drinks at his counter at work, but he didn’t care and he wouldn’t have made it any other way. There were huge dark circles under his eyes and his only consolation was that finally, finally he was going to see Adam tonight. Please let him be there. He just prayed that Adam worked all night and would still be there when he got out of school.
Music theory was the only class he was taking this semester, and he was on track to graduate in the Spring. He usually enjoyed it, and even though he was supposed get his demo tonight with notes from the head of the department, all Kris could think about was seeing Adam in a few hours.
“Kris,” the professor called after class was over. “Here’s your demo back from Professor Jenkins. He said it was excellent, but you can read about it yourself in his notes.”
“Thanks!” he said, taking the CD and envelope and shoving them hastily in his bag. He took off without another word. Please let him be there.
The street was packed with cars again, even more than there had been on Monday. After circling impatiently and banging his fists on the steering wheel every so often for fifteen minutes, he finally broke down and parked in a nearby garage that charged $20 for the evening.
The club was eerily devoid of thumping rhythms when he approached it but he could hear the muffled sounds of cheering. He got his hand stamped and walked in just in time to hear a man’s voice reverberating throughout the room.
“Thank you, thank you! For my last song tonight…”
ADAM! Relief flooded Kris’ veins, his hands began to tremble and he stopped listening to what Adam was saying into the microphone. He almost started running toward the stage when he stopped and stood, frozen, against a wall that was cast in shadows. The most amazing sound he had ever heard in his life was coming out of Adam’s mouth. The song was upbeat and catchy, rock fused with pop and some electronic beats and Adam’s voice was…perfect. His range was ridiculous…who hits notes like that?…and there was a clean yet soulful sound to his voice that made Kris shiver right down to his core. Why didn’t he tell me?
He was so lost in Adam’s singing that he wasn’t paying attention to anyone around him, so when two guys started talking only two feet away, he was only half listening.
“Who do you think he’ll pick tonight?” said one of the men.
“Pssht, don’t get your hopes up, you’re too tall,” said the other.
“Yeah, but I have brown eyes and yours are blue…no way Adam will pick you,” countered the taller man.
Kris whipped his head around and stared at them. They caught his movement and then looked him up and down.
“Shit. We’re both done for with that guy in the running,” said the short man with blue eyes.
Oh my god…what the hell is going on? He remembered the bartender’s comment that he was exactly Adam’s type and began really looking around the room for the first time. Brown hair, brown eyes, short stature…they were everywhere he looked, and some of them were walking up to the stage and tossing little pieces of paper on it. Wh-what…
“Adam Lambert, ladies and gentlemen!!” The crowd went wild and Adam took a few bows. Lambert, his last name is Lambert. Kris saw Adam leave the stage and started pushing his way through the masses of men. Adam made a beeline for a man close to the stage, took his hand and walked quickly towards the back of the club.
“Adam!” Kris yelled out, but his voice was drowned out by all the other men screaming the same name. The bodies pressed against him as he tried to muscle through them, now frantic to get at Adam, who hadn’t noticed him from the other side of the room. He saw Adam and the other man…he looks just like me…disappear into the back hallway and started to panic; he did not like where this was going.
After five minutes he had made no progress, so he turned around and headed to the side of the room, where he did better scooting along the walls. At long last he was at the hallway. There were a couple of rooms back there, but Kris remembered exactly which one it had been and he knew in his gut that Adam was in there with the Kris look-a-like. Sure enough, he heard the unmistakable sounds of sex as he drew near the door.
“Adam! Adam! Oh god…YES!!!!”
Kris’ body fell back against the wall opposite the door, breath completely knocked out of him, tears falling thick and fast down his cheeks, hands opening and closing uselessly at his sides. This…this was too much, on top of everything else. Kris’ mind felt numb as he stood there, pain stabbing and twisting his heart.
He heard a lock click and the door before him opened. Adam came out with the bastard and saw Kris against leaning the wall, shaking and crying. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped, “Kris!”
Kris ran…ran just like Adam had run out on him two nights ago, and he tore out of the club, roughly shoving people aside until he reached the open air.
He called out sick the next day. All through the night he had heard the words over and over again in his head: “Adam! Adam! Oh god…YES!!!!” Nothing could drown them out, movies, music, and Matt trying to console him…they had all been completely ineffective. Even his own thoughts telling him to be a man about it all, to realize that he barely knew Adam and that he shouldn’t be so surprised or hurt, none of it lessened the pain or removed the sound of someone else crying out Adam’s name in the heat of passion.
It was just past noon and he was still in bed, clutching the pillow over his head tighter as if this would help. His stomach rumbled but he ignored it, stubbornly gripping the pillow, begging it to make the words and sounds disappear. All it did was muffle the sound of a knock on his door. He sat up, listening hard. He heard it again. Is it Adam? Could it… Kris wasn’t even sure right now how he would feel if it was Adam. What would he say to him? Hi, I thought we had something good going but then you flipped out, ran away and fucked some other guy who looks like me. How are you?
The sound came again, more insistent this time. No matter how conflicted he felt, he couldn’t ignore it, not if there was any chance in hell that they could make things right again. You’re so pathetic.
It wasn’t Adam. A short woman with long brown hair stood there. “Can I help you?” Kris asked her.
The woman looked at him, still in his pjs, and looking like he hadn’t slept in weeks, “no, but I think I might be able to help you. You must be Kris.” Kris nodded. “My name is Alisan. Adam is my best friend and he sent me here to talk to you. Can I come in?”
Unable to find any words to say to her, Kris merely stepped back and let her in. What, so he sends his friend instead of coming himself? Coward.
Kris motioned for her to sit down on the couch. “Can I get you anything?” He may be miserable and unshowered at the moment, but nothing could make him forget the manners his mama had taught him.
“No, thank you. Kris, please sit down.”
He did, wondering what on earth she could possibly say to help the situation.
“I know you are wondering why Adam isn’t here himself. I can see you’re in a great deal of pain after what you saw last night and --”
“How do you know about that?”
“Kris, I’ve been Adam’s best friend since middle school. There is almost nothing he doesn’t tell me about.”
He couldn’t help himself; he was desperate for answers and started throwing them out at her one after another. “Why did he run out on me? What happened to him on Monday?” He got up and started pacing the room. “Why didn’t he contact me again? Why was he having sex with a man who looks like me?”
“Whoa there, one at a time. There’s a lot going on here that you don’t understand yet.”
“Then tell me! Please, Alisan…I…I feel like I’m going crazy.”
Alisan looked at him with sympathy, took his hand and pulled it until he was sitting down again. “Kris, Adam really wants to be with you…”
“Ha! So that’s why he’s fucking some guy in the --”
“Please, let me finish. He wants to be with you, he just isn’t sure how to do that. I’m sure he told you that he doesn’t normally date.”
Kris shrugged, “yeah, he did.”
“Weren’t you curious about that?”
“Of course I was! But he wouldn’t talk about it, he never talked about himself.”
“There’s a reason for that, and Adam wants me to tell you about it.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure if he ever intended on you knowing, but after last night, when he saw you there…” She looked at Kris. “You are obviously really special to him Kris, even if you don’t realize it yet. There’s hardly anyone on this earth who knows what I’m about to tell you.”
Kris didn’t make a sound, hoping against hope that whatever she said would make his pain go away.
She took a deep breath and faced him squarely. “When Adam was a senior in high school, he was gang raped and beaten within an inch of his life by a group of guys that he thought were his friends.”
Kris gaped at her, feeling nauseous and utterly horrorstruck.
“There were eight of them; people that Adam knew and trusted, guys who had drawn him into their circle of friendship over the course of that year. All of them, they raped him anally and orally, and beat him so badly that he lost consciousness and needed intensive care for weeks.” She began to cry a little. “He…he had reconstructive surgery…on the soft palate in his throat and…” She dropped her head, “I thought he was going to die. The damage to his body was so bad…they broke him, Kris, inside and out.”
Tears streamed unchecked down Kris’ face and into his lap. Oh my god…oh my god…Adam…Adam…Adam… he wrapped his arms around himself, wishing he could hug Adam instead. Alisan’s revelation had not taken away his pain at all; instead her words had transformed it into a different kind of pain altogether.
“He was such a carefree, trusting spirit…” She looked at Kris again, “that’s still in there, Kris, but not very many people get to see it.”
Kris wiped his eyes with both his palms. He cast about for something to say to Alisan, but all he could think about was an unsuspecting Adam being raped and beaten unconscious. His shocked brain finally landed on one of his earlier questions. “So, so on Monday…”
“A flashback, sweetie, Adam had a flashback.”
“Oh my god! I did hurt him! I…I made him remember…that…” he leapt of the couch and began to pace again, feeling the worst he had ever felt in his entire life. “Oh my god…oh my god…poor Adam…no wonder he ran away from me!”
“Kris, stop. There is no way you could have known.”
But Kris carried on mentally beating himself up. “What have I done…what have I done…what have I done!”
“Kris!” Alisan stood up, took him by the shoulders and shook him; she was surprisingly strong for such a small woman. “Stop it! It won’t help Adam. He doesn’t blame you, he blames himself.”
“What?” he blinked, surprised. “Why would he do that?”
“Because…he let his guard down…he cared about you, Kris. You have no idea how rare that is for him. Didn’t you hear me earlier? He wants to be with you.”
Could that really be true? “I’m…I’m so confused, Alisan. What…what about last night?”
Alisan sighed heavily. “Adam uses men to feel powerful, but there’s no emotional connection whatsoever. After he had the flashback on Monday, I’m sure he felt the need to regain some semblance of control.”
“But he looked just like me!”
“Kris, surely you can piece that together on your own?”
He sat down slowly and thought for a minute. He glanced at Alisan, “Does he really want me? Even after I…” he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“He does, but I’m not going to lie and say it will be easy, and Kris…” she paused for a moment as if weighing her words, “I’m not going to tell you not to break his heart. You have to do what you think is right for you.”
Kris looked at her in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? You think…you think that I won’t want him now…because of…what you told me about him?”
“That’s not what I meant. You just need to understand that making this work with Adam is going to be…Kris, he hasn’t dated anyone in over eight years. He doesn’t know how to trust men or even be friends with them.”
“I don’t care Alisan. You go and you tell him that I’ll do whatever it takes to be with him. Will you tell him that?”
Alisan smiled for the first time since she had come in. “Yes. Yes, I will.”
After Alisan left, Kris went straight to his guitar case and got out his half of the tie. He sat down on his bed and stroked it lovingly. The silky fabric was pressed firmly to his heart when he finally fell asleep.
Chapter 11
He walked outside, saw Adam’s car parked on the street and rushed over to it as quickly as he could, but no one was inside. Looking around the dark, empty streets, Kris knew Adam was probably far enough away by now that he couldn’t catch him on foot. Why didn’t he drive? This made absolutely no sense and only increased Kris’ feeling of panic. He ran back in for his keys, got in his car and drove up and down the streets looking for Adam. There is no way he would’ve walked home and even if he did, he wouldn’t be there yet. Oh my god, what happened to him? His eyes were starting to sparkle with tears.
After an hour of searching, he sped up and took off for Adam’s apartment. Please let him be there. He finally found the club after taking a few wrong turns. It was still crowded despite it being a Monday night; he had to park two blocks away and then half ran, half walked to the club. Heart racing, he took the steps two at a time. He was wheezing by the time he finally reached Adam’s floor and tried to catch his breath while knocking on the door. “Adam!” he called, panting, “please open up if you’re there…please!” There was no response. He hammered at the door again. “I’m not mad at you…I know you didn’t mean to hurt me and I don’t care if I can’t have children now….Adam please!” he cried, “I just want to know if you’re okay…I need to know that you’re okay!”
The heavy beats from the club below were the only sounds Kris could hear. He pressed his ear against the door for a minute, and then finally admitted defeat. Exhausted, he went downstairs. When he reached the first floor, he was suddenly struck with the idea that Adam might be in the club somewhere; he obviously spent a lot of time there if he had keys to a back room. I wonder if he works there. Even though it was highly unlikely that Adam would be working right now, he needed to look anyway, just to be sure.
It was insanely crowded in the club. Kris wove in and out of the mass of bodies and even went back to the room they had been in, searching for any sign of Adam. No sounds came from the locked room and after about thirty minutes of looking everywhere, he gave up. Why didn’t I get his phone number? Shit. His face grew hard and determined as he drove home. I’m going back there every night until I find him.
Adam’s car was still parked outside Kris’ apartment building. Where did he go? Kris felt like a wreck. He was so confused and worried, tired from running all over town and his balls still felt like Adam’s knee had been made of lead. You were hoping to have a hot, sweet night with him and instead you got this. Is he really worth it? He flipped on the lights and dropped his keys in a bowl by the door. Standing there in the small foyer, he thought about how his life had changed in the short time since he met Adam. The attraction he felt towards him was intense, not doubt, but there was more to it than that. For as long as he could remember, Kris had been a passenger in his relationships but never a driving force, always meekly accepting whatever happened to him like a leaf floating downstream. Although he wasn’t sure it was entirely accurate to say that he had a ‘relationship’ with Adam, he knew with a certainty that Adam had changed him forever and that there was no going back. But you can use what you’ve learned with other men now; it doesn’t have to be Adam.
“Yes it does!” he yelled out to the empty room, fists clenched at his side. Whoa. Down boy. He didn’t care. He didn’t care what Adam was hiding, he didn’t care that Adam had kicked him out of his apartment, had flipped out on him and kneed him in the balls. He. Wanted. Adam. And god damn it, he was not going down without a really good fight. “So there!” he told the room.
He had a fitful night. In addition to being worried about Adam, his sleep had been constantly interrupted by dreams of Adam yelling that he never wanted to see Kris again because Kris had hurt him so badly. When his alarm went off at 7am, he seriously considered calling out sick from work, not just because he was tired, but he also couldn’t stand the thought of working while still not knowing where Adam was. He’s probably fine, at home asleep in his bed…but…but what if he’s not? What if he is in a hospital somewhere or… he tried not to think about that. He briefly thought of checking local hospitals but suddenly realized that he didn’t even know Adam’s last name. Shit! You need to stop this. Go to work, you need the distraction. He finally decided he would call the store and say he’d be late this morning so he could go by Adam’s first.
Adam's car was still parked out in front. Where is he and why doesn't he need his car anymore?
Since the club was closed at this early hour, it was easy to listen at Adam’s door for any sounds of movement. He banged on it for ten minutes; Adam was either a very sound sleeper, ignoring him, or not home. If he’s not at home this early…UGH…stop it, you barely even know him…he could be staying with relatives for all you know…this doesn’t mean that he’s in trouble. If he were home, why would he ignore me? He thought again about his dreams and felt tortured that he might have done something to hurt Adam. Just go to work and come back later. Thank god he didn’t have school tonight.
Matt came into work at 11am, looking way too cheerful for Kris’ liking. Crap, he’s going to ask, of course he is.
“Whoa, you look like shit.”
“Good morning to you, too,” Kris muttered.
“What, did you guys pull an…all nighter?” he grinned cheekily, but then looked closer at Kris. “Jesus, Kris, you look like somebody died. What the hell happened last night?”
Kris found that he really didn’t want to talk about it…at all. He was too tired, too worried and confused and he had no energy to try to explain things to Matt. Hell, he wasn’t even sure what he’d tell him anyway. “Matt, I’m really sorry, man, but I just don’t want to talk about it, okay?”
“Hey, no problem. I won’t pry or anything, but let me know if you change your mind.” He looked concerned, but he smiled gently and headed off to start his shift.
Kris checked the clock for what felt like a hundred times that day. It was agonizing, and he was so overly grateful when he had customers to distract himself that he must have appeared slightly manic in his enthusiasm to help them, to keep them talking.
4pm. Finally!! He ran by the shoe department and yelled a quick “see ya later” to Matt on his way out.
He went through the same routine as he had last night…banging on Adam’s door, searching the club…no Adam. Growling, he pounded his fists on a nearby wall, angry tears filling his bloodshot eyes. It was still early enough that the sound echoed in the half empty room, and the bartender in the corner gave him a peculiar glance. Oh my god! Why didn’t I think to ask around? Mentally kicking himself for his stupidity, he hurried over and approached the bar.
“Hey man, do you know a guy named Adam that might work here?”
The bartender looked at him incredulously. “Are you fucking serious?”
Well that’s a strange response. “Yes! Does he work here?”
“Where the fuck have you been for the past year?” he said, continuing to stare at Kris in disbelief.
“Look,” Kris said, thoroughly irritated now, “I’ve been trying to find him, okay, so he definitely works here?”
“Uh, yeah, like four times a week,” he said in a tone that made it clear he thought Kris was an idiot, “but you’re a day early…come back tomorrow around eight.” The bartender scoffed. “You look like exactly his type, too, so your chances should be pretty good.
My chances at what? What kind of work does Adam do here anyway? But before he could ask either of these questions, the bartender disappeared through a door behind the bar. What the hell…my chances? Although he was extremely relieved to know that he might finally be able to see Adam as soon as tomorrow, Kris felt plagued by the bartender’s comment and it only added to his already strung out nerves. Plus, he just remembered that he had class tomorrow until 9pm and he was supposed to get back his demo so he couldn’t miss it. FUCK.
The only way he could get through the rest of the evening was by convincing Matt to do a Back to The Future marathon. Wish I had a time machine. Then he could transport himself to tomorrow night…the not knowing, the waiting was the worst part of it all; it gave him too much time to ruminate on questions he had no answers to.
He was just starting to doze off when Matt spoke up. “Kris?”
“Yeah?” he mumbled.
“I’m kind of worried about you, man,” Matt said, pausing the movie.
Kris sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. He had to tell him something. “Alright listen, last night went really well until Adam had some kind of fit and ran off --”
“A fit?”
“-- and I’ve been looking for him ever since and tonight I found out that he works at the club we were at weeks ago and that he’s supposed to be working tomorrow.” He flopped back against the couch, totally worn out but knowing he was in for another sleepless night.
“Um…so what do you mean, he had a fit?”
“I don’t know, Matt!” he yelled, “he went all rigid and then started thrashing around and then took off.” He drew a deep breath…it wasn’t Matt’s fault, he was just so tired and emotionally overwrought. “I’m sorry…I’ve just been really worried about him and I barely slept last night.”
“Dude…are you, are sure he’s worth all this?”
Kris sat up again and turned to look directly at Matt. “Without a doubt.”
The next day Kris pounded back 5-hour energy drinks like they were water. He wasn’t technically supposed to have food or drinks at his counter at work, but he didn’t care and he wouldn’t have made it any other way. There were huge dark circles under his eyes and his only consolation was that finally, finally he was going to see Adam tonight. Please let him be there. He just prayed that Adam worked all night and would still be there when he got out of school.
Music theory was the only class he was taking this semester, and he was on track to graduate in the Spring. He usually enjoyed it, and even though he was supposed get his demo tonight with notes from the head of the department, all Kris could think about was seeing Adam in a few hours.
“Kris,” the professor called after class was over. “Here’s your demo back from Professor Jenkins. He said it was excellent, but you can read about it yourself in his notes.”
“Thanks!” he said, taking the CD and envelope and shoving them hastily in his bag. He took off without another word. Please let him be there.
The street was packed with cars again, even more than there had been on Monday. After circling impatiently and banging his fists on the steering wheel every so often for fifteen minutes, he finally broke down and parked in a nearby garage that charged $20 for the evening.
The club was eerily devoid of thumping rhythms when he approached it but he could hear the muffled sounds of cheering. He got his hand stamped and walked in just in time to hear a man’s voice reverberating throughout the room.
“Thank you, thank you! For my last song tonight…”
ADAM! Relief flooded Kris’ veins, his hands began to tremble and he stopped listening to what Adam was saying into the microphone. He almost started running toward the stage when he stopped and stood, frozen, against a wall that was cast in shadows. The most amazing sound he had ever heard in his life was coming out of Adam’s mouth. The song was upbeat and catchy, rock fused with pop and some electronic beats and Adam’s voice was…perfect. His range was ridiculous…who hits notes like that?…and there was a clean yet soulful sound to his voice that made Kris shiver right down to his core. Why didn’t he tell me?
He was so lost in Adam’s singing that he wasn’t paying attention to anyone around him, so when two guys started talking only two feet away, he was only half listening.
“Who do you think he’ll pick tonight?” said one of the men.
“Pssht, don’t get your hopes up, you’re too tall,” said the other.
“Yeah, but I have brown eyes and yours are blue…no way Adam will pick you,” countered the taller man.
Kris whipped his head around and stared at them. They caught his movement and then looked him up and down.
“Shit. We’re both done for with that guy in the running,” said the short man with blue eyes.
Oh my god…what the hell is going on? He remembered the bartender’s comment that he was exactly Adam’s type and began really looking around the room for the first time. Brown hair, brown eyes, short stature…they were everywhere he looked, and some of them were walking up to the stage and tossing little pieces of paper on it. Wh-what…
“Adam Lambert, ladies and gentlemen!!” The crowd went wild and Adam took a few bows. Lambert, his last name is Lambert. Kris saw Adam leave the stage and started pushing his way through the masses of men. Adam made a beeline for a man close to the stage, took his hand and walked quickly towards the back of the club.
“Adam!” Kris yelled out, but his voice was drowned out by all the other men screaming the same name. The bodies pressed against him as he tried to muscle through them, now frantic to get at Adam, who hadn’t noticed him from the other side of the room. He saw Adam and the other man…he looks just like me…disappear into the back hallway and started to panic; he did not like where this was going.
After five minutes he had made no progress, so he turned around and headed to the side of the room, where he did better scooting along the walls. At long last he was at the hallway. There were a couple of rooms back there, but Kris remembered exactly which one it had been and he knew in his gut that Adam was in there with the Kris look-a-like. Sure enough, he heard the unmistakable sounds of sex as he drew near the door.
“Adam! Adam! Oh god…YES!!!!”
Kris’ body fell back against the wall opposite the door, breath completely knocked out of him, tears falling thick and fast down his cheeks, hands opening and closing uselessly at his sides. This…this was too much, on top of everything else. Kris’ mind felt numb as he stood there, pain stabbing and twisting his heart.
He heard a lock click and the door before him opened. Adam came out with the bastard and saw Kris against leaning the wall, shaking and crying. His eyes went wide and his jaw dropped, “Kris!”
Kris ran…ran just like Adam had run out on him two nights ago, and he tore out of the club, roughly shoving people aside until he reached the open air.
He called out sick the next day. All through the night he had heard the words over and over again in his head: “Adam! Adam! Oh god…YES!!!!” Nothing could drown them out, movies, music, and Matt trying to console him…they had all been completely ineffective. Even his own thoughts telling him to be a man about it all, to realize that he barely knew Adam and that he shouldn’t be so surprised or hurt, none of it lessened the pain or removed the sound of someone else crying out Adam’s name in the heat of passion.
It was just past noon and he was still in bed, clutching the pillow over his head tighter as if this would help. His stomach rumbled but he ignored it, stubbornly gripping the pillow, begging it to make the words and sounds disappear. All it did was muffle the sound of a knock on his door. He sat up, listening hard. He heard it again. Is it Adam? Could it… Kris wasn’t even sure right now how he would feel if it was Adam. What would he say to him? Hi, I thought we had something good going but then you flipped out, ran away and fucked some other guy who looks like me. How are you?
The sound came again, more insistent this time. No matter how conflicted he felt, he couldn’t ignore it, not if there was any chance in hell that they could make things right again. You’re so pathetic.
It wasn’t Adam. A short woman with long brown hair stood there. “Can I help you?” Kris asked her.
The woman looked at him, still in his pjs, and looking like he hadn’t slept in weeks, “no, but I think I might be able to help you. You must be Kris.” Kris nodded. “My name is Alisan. Adam is my best friend and he sent me here to talk to you. Can I come in?”
Unable to find any words to say to her, Kris merely stepped back and let her in. What, so he sends his friend instead of coming himself? Coward.
Kris motioned for her to sit down on the couch. “Can I get you anything?” He may be miserable and unshowered at the moment, but nothing could make him forget the manners his mama had taught him.
“No, thank you. Kris, please sit down.”
He did, wondering what on earth she could possibly say to help the situation.
“I know you are wondering why Adam isn’t here himself. I can see you’re in a great deal of pain after what you saw last night and --”
“How do you know about that?”
“Kris, I’ve been Adam’s best friend since middle school. There is almost nothing he doesn’t tell me about.”
He couldn’t help himself; he was desperate for answers and started throwing them out at her one after another. “Why did he run out on me? What happened to him on Monday?” He got up and started pacing the room. “Why didn’t he contact me again? Why was he having sex with a man who looks like me?”
“Whoa there, one at a time. There’s a lot going on here that you don’t understand yet.”
“Then tell me! Please, Alisan…I…I feel like I’m going crazy.”
Alisan looked at him with sympathy, took his hand and pulled it until he was sitting down again. “Kris, Adam really wants to be with you…”
“Ha! So that’s why he’s fucking some guy in the --”
“Please, let me finish. He wants to be with you, he just isn’t sure how to do that. I’m sure he told you that he doesn’t normally date.”
Kris shrugged, “yeah, he did.”
“Weren’t you curious about that?”
“Of course I was! But he wouldn’t talk about it, he never talked about himself.”
“There’s a reason for that, and Adam wants me to tell you about it.” She shook her head. “I’m not sure if he ever intended on you knowing, but after last night, when he saw you there…” She looked at Kris. “You are obviously really special to him Kris, even if you don’t realize it yet. There’s hardly anyone on this earth who knows what I’m about to tell you.”
Kris didn’t make a sound, hoping against hope that whatever she said would make his pain go away.
She took a deep breath and faced him squarely. “When Adam was a senior in high school, he was gang raped and beaten within an inch of his life by a group of guys that he thought were his friends.”
Kris gaped at her, feeling nauseous and utterly horrorstruck.
“There were eight of them; people that Adam knew and trusted, guys who had drawn him into their circle of friendship over the course of that year. All of them, they raped him anally and orally, and beat him so badly that he lost consciousness and needed intensive care for weeks.” She began to cry a little. “He…he had reconstructive surgery…on the soft palate in his throat and…” She dropped her head, “I thought he was going to die. The damage to his body was so bad…they broke him, Kris, inside and out.”
Tears streamed unchecked down Kris’ face and into his lap. Oh my god…oh my god…Adam…Adam…Adam… he wrapped his arms around himself, wishing he could hug Adam instead. Alisan’s revelation had not taken away his pain at all; instead her words had transformed it into a different kind of pain altogether.
“He was such a carefree, trusting spirit…” She looked at Kris again, “that’s still in there, Kris, but not very many people get to see it.”
Kris wiped his eyes with both his palms. He cast about for something to say to Alisan, but all he could think about was an unsuspecting Adam being raped and beaten unconscious. His shocked brain finally landed on one of his earlier questions. “So, so on Monday…”
“A flashback, sweetie, Adam had a flashback.”
“Oh my god! I did hurt him! I…I made him remember…that…” he leapt of the couch and began to pace again, feeling the worst he had ever felt in his entire life. “Oh my god…oh my god…poor Adam…no wonder he ran away from me!”
“Kris, stop. There is no way you could have known.”
But Kris carried on mentally beating himself up. “What have I done…what have I done…what have I done!”
“Kris!” Alisan stood up, took him by the shoulders and shook him; she was surprisingly strong for such a small woman. “Stop it! It won’t help Adam. He doesn’t blame you, he blames himself.”
“What?” he blinked, surprised. “Why would he do that?”
“Because…he let his guard down…he cared about you, Kris. You have no idea how rare that is for him. Didn’t you hear me earlier? He wants to be with you.”
Could that really be true? “I’m…I’m so confused, Alisan. What…what about last night?”
Alisan sighed heavily. “Adam uses men to feel powerful, but there’s no emotional connection whatsoever. After he had the flashback on Monday, I’m sure he felt the need to regain some semblance of control.”
“But he looked just like me!”
“Kris, surely you can piece that together on your own?”
He sat down slowly and thought for a minute. He glanced at Alisan, “Does he really want me? Even after I…” he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“He does, but I’m not going to lie and say it will be easy, and Kris…” she paused for a moment as if weighing her words, “I’m not going to tell you not to break his heart. You have to do what you think is right for you.”
Kris looked at her in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? You think…you think that I won’t want him now…because of…what you told me about him?”
“That’s not what I meant. You just need to understand that making this work with Adam is going to be…Kris, he hasn’t dated anyone in over eight years. He doesn’t know how to trust men or even be friends with them.”
“I don’t care Alisan. You go and you tell him that I’ll do whatever it takes to be with him. Will you tell him that?”
Alisan smiled for the first time since she had come in. “Yes. Yes, I will.”
After Alisan left, Kris went straight to his guitar case and got out his half of the tie. He sat down on his bed and stroked it lovingly. The silky fabric was pressed firmly to his heart when he finally fell asleep.
Chapter 11