Fic: The Tie [16/66]
Title: The Tie [16/?]
Pairing: Kris/Adam [AU]
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2,792
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I own nothing. None of this happened.
Warnings: This story involves character struggle with trauma and PTSD and may contain material that is triggering or upsetting to readers. Graphic sex in nearly every chapter. Language. Further warnings will be posted in the appropriate chapters.
Summary: Adam is a local singer with a troubled past and Kris, a department store clerk struggling to change his over compliant and passive ways. When the two meet by chance in the most unlikely of places, neither could have known how much they would end up needing the other. Set in Los Angeles in the year 2009-10.
A/N: Thank you all for your patience in waiting for this part after that evil cliffhanger! RL has been managed to some extent :) I went to two Halloween costume parties this weekend and I kept thinking about these boys every time I saw an angel or a vampire, LOL. Thank you so much for your comments and feedback! I appreciate incoherency and thoughtful comments alike ;p <3<3<3 Shout out to adamaddict_rh who seems to be living in my head somehow :O <3
PREVIOUS CHAPTERS HERE
Adam fell back against the bathroom wall and began to weep. “Angel doesn’t want meeeee!” Of course he doesn’t want you. Ugly…fat…freak! He slid down to the floor, body shaking with real sobs now as the words from ten years ago tormented him. “Angel…d-doesn’t…” he choked out.
“Shhhhhh…Adam…”
He felt warm hands on his cheeks and looked up into brown eyes.
“Angel?” He wiped the back of his hand across his nose and sniffed.
“Yes, Adam, angel is going to take care of you.”
Angel…angel… Adam wrapped his arms around the angel tightly and snuggled into his neck, tears starting to subside. He heard another voice now, too.
“Hey the cab is waiting, what’s taking so-- Adam! Kris, what’s going on? Is he okay?”
“I told him I wouldn’t go home with him, Neil, but then he started crying and…”
“Let me take him home then.”
“Noooooo!” Adam clutched the angel harder. Don’t leave me…please don’t leave me!
The angel stood up but held on to Adam’s hand. “Neil, please…let me take care of him tonight, okay? Take the cab, we’ll get our own.”
“I don’t know…are you sure you can handle this? Where are you taking him?”
Adam was starting to feel sick. He tried to follow what they were saying, but the room was suddenly spinning, spinning…he held on tightly to the angel’s hand...what are they saying? He thought he heard the angel…Kris…say, “apartment.” Then the other man…Neil, your brother…left.
“Come on, baby, put your arm around me…that’s right…here we go…it’s going to be alright.” Adam rose slowly from the floor and felt the wing feathers tickle his neck as he tried to walk. “Almost there…a little further, Adam…” The night air was cold and it made his stomach churn harder.
“I…I don’t feel good…” He staggered to the side of the building and threw up all over the ground in front of it. Sturdy hands gripped his shoulders until he was done heaving, then turned him around and guided him towards the street. He heard a loud whistle and yellow car pulled up and stopped in front of them.
“Get in the cab, Adam, we’re going home now.”
His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. “You’re not…leaving me?”
“No, baby, I’m not leaving you. Come on now.”
“Okay, angel.” He let the angel help him into the car and fell asleep almost immediately in the strong arms that encircled him.
A beautiful man with red wings was flying away, high in the sky. “Angel! Come back! Don’t leave me!” Adam ran and ran, stretching out his arms and trying to catch up, but the man looked down at him sadly and said, “I can’t be with you, Adam; you’re just a damaged freak. Good-bye!” “Nooooo! Come back, angel…don’t leave meeee!!! Anggeellllll!!!”
Incoherent screams suddenly pierced the silent night and Kris jumped up from his place on the floor. “Adam! Adam, wake up!” Adam opened his eyes a fraction and saw the blurry outline of a man’s face leaning over him. “Angel,” he whispered and stretched his arms wide. The bed sank a few inches and then Adam felt the angel curl around him completely. He sighed contentedly and fell back to sleep.
A dog was barking incessantly somewhere, a big dog by the sound of those deep, booming noises that were pounding into Adam’s semi-conscious, hung-over brain. Dogs should be banned on…what day is it? Oh my god, if that fucking dog doesn’t shut up…wait a minute, there aren't any dogs around here… Shit, why does it feel like someone drilled holes in my skull? OH.
It was like a hailstorm had suddenly erupted in Adam’s head; images of the night before, feelings, thoughts, and sensations - they all pelted him simultaneously in a chaotic maelstrom until he felt like throwing up. He squeezed his closed eyes tightly as if this would help it all go away. Aren’t people supposed to forget everything they did when they were hammered? He became aware of a warm body covering him…Kris…and the bed beneath him that he knew wasn’t his. I’m naked…and so is he. This fact didn’t alarm Adam as it would have in the past, but he didn’t move, couldn’t move, feeling immobilized by the physical pain in his head and the knowledge of how shamefully he had behaved last night.
You begged him to come home with you. You cried and begged like a baby, completely out of control, totally vulnerable…anything could have happened. But you’re safe. You’re with Kris in his bed and he took care of you. Adam remembered Kris steadying him as he puked his guts out and Kris holding him in the cab. Isn’t that why you let yourself drink in the first place? You knew you’d be safe with him. Adam slowly opened his eyes and saw Kris’ arm wrapped tightly around his waist. He suddenly recalled how terrified he had felt that Kris might leave him and thought about the dream he’d had in the middle of the night. He remembered the stabbing rejection when Kris wouldn’t come home with him, and the voices of his past taunting him, adding fuel to his self-loathing and sense of worthlessness, unworthy to be with Kris.
You put him in a terrible position…what was he supposed to do? Adam listened to the sound of Kris breathing for a minute and tried to figure out if he was upset or grateful that Kris had not come home with him. The feelings of rejection were still fresh, but they were mixed with intense relief that Kris had not taken advantage of the situation. Admit it, you want to let him in. Yes, okay fine, but not like that. Coward…you think you would’ve had the balls to ask if you weren’t drunk?
At least he didn’t leave me. He saw his dream in his mind again, “I can’t be with you, Adam; you’re just a damaged freak.” His whole body clenched in pain at the thought of Kris walking out on him and his head gave a nasty throb. How am I going to face him? What if he hates me after last night? Idiot…does it look like he hates you? Adam knew that Kris would want to talk about it all, but he didn’t have the energy for it and he was still so confused about the feelings that were warring within him. I need to go home.
Carefully, he tried to lift Kris’ arm up so he could roll away, but the arm only gripped him harder around the middle. “Leaving so soon?” said Kris.
“Uh…bathroom?” Coward. Adam sat up quickly and immediately regretted it. His vision swam with the pain in his head and he felt like he was going to be sick again.
“Whoa there…” Kris said softly. He sat up and grabbed Adam’s swaying body. “Let me help you…you need water and aspirin. Lie down and I’ll get you some.”
“You’ve done enough for me already,” Adam said, but he allowed Kris to guide him down onto his back. He hated the feeling of needing help but was comforted by it at the same time; he sighed quietly when Kris pecked him on the forehead before walking out of the room. Adam watched him go and admired his naked form for the thousandth time. Kris was clean and his hair was a little damp. He must have showered last night. Oh god, I bet I look like shit…and my mouth smells like a trash can. Feeling embarrassed at appearing so needy and disheveled, Adam pulled the blankets up to cover himself and ran his hands over his face. My fangs are gone…and my face is clean…wow.
He turned his head, slowly so that the room wouldn’t start spinning again, and saw his clothes folded neatly on a chair and a washcloth streaked with the remnants of his makeup hanging on the back of it. Leaning against the wall beyond the chair were the dark red angel wings. At the sight of them, Adam groaned out loud and his dick twitched. It was too much. There were too many emotions swarming him at the same time. I need to go home.
Kris returned with a huge glass of water and a little bottle of extra strength Tylenol. He sat down on the edge of the bed and smiled. “Good morning, beautiful, or should I say afternoon since it’s one o’clock.”
“Is it really?” Adam asked, trying not to open his mouth too much.
Kris chuckled. “Adam, do you really think I care about your morning breath? Here…” He opened the bottle and tapped out two pills. “Take these and drink that whole glass. I promise it’ll help you feel better.”
Adam took the medicine and the water, raised his head up a little and swallowed them down. He drank all of the water and then really did have to use the bathroom; he squirmed a bit.
Kris studied him for a minute. “I can tell you’re freaking out.”
“No…yes…I mean I am little but I also have to pee like a racehorse.”
“Oh jesus, that is too funny!” Kris said laughing, brown eyes crinkled in mirth.
“What?”
“You probably don’t remember, but you were talking about pee last night, and singing and…oh shit, Adam…I’m sorry,” he said and stopped laughing when he spotted the uncomfortable look on Adam’s face. “Come on, let me help you up.”
I need to go home. All he could think about now was the intense desire to get back to his sanctuary, to shower, call Ali and try to sort through his jumbled thoughts and feelings. Thank god I always ask for Halloween weekend off from work. He let Kris help him to his feet and just stood there a moment, trying to get his balance. Kris put an arm around his waist and kissed his neck, then looked up at Adam with worry.
“Matt is out, so no need to worry about…” Kris indicated their nakedness. Adam shivered and Kris’ brows furrowed even more. He left Adam for a moment and returned with a robe.
“Thanks.” Adam’s brain was still teeming and it was all he could do not to start laughing, crying and yelling all at once. The tension between them was becoming thick, palpable. This is unbearable. “I think I can make it on my own now,” he said putting on the robe, and walked to the hallway alone. He made it to the bathroom and sighed as he relieved himself, pressing his aching head on the cool tile wall above the toilet. Stop pushing him away…remember your dream? Do you want that to happen? Fuck. A tiny voice rose up amidst the storm in his head: maybe I should go back to therapy. Ugh, I can’t even think about that right now.
He turned on the water, splashed his face and rinsed his mouth out thoroughly. He spotted some mouthwash and used that, too, tried to fix his hair and left the bathroom. He felt steadier on his feet and his headache was starting to lessen a bit as the Tylenol kicked in. When he returned to Kris’ room, Adam saw him sitting naked on the bed with his head down, looking sad and cute. Do something, Lambert…reassure him somehow before bolting out of here. Adam walked over, kneeled before Kris and took hold of his hands. Kris lifted his head and Adam saw tears in those beautiful brown eyes. Fuck. You made him cry, you bastard. You better fix this…you can’t lose him.
“Thank you…for taking care of me last night,” he said sincerely. “I’m not mad at you. I’m glad you brought me here. I know I put you in a terrible spot last night and…I’m sorry, Kris.”
“Adam, I would do anything for you…anything. I was so worried that you would feel rejected when I didn’t come home with you, but…” his voice trailed off and he wiped at his eyes.
Adam shook his head and squeezed Kris’ hands. “It’s okay, but listen, I really need to go home now.”
“What? You want to leave? But…but can’t we talk about his some more…please?” Kris asked with a hint of pleading in his voice.
“I…I can’t. My head is still killing me, I need a shower plus I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. It’s too fucking much right now.”
“You could shower here, and then…and then…”
Why is he doing this? Can’t he see that I need some space? We can talk about this later. “Kris, what the hell? I just need to go home and get my shit together, okay?” he said with a stab of annoyance.
“I guess I feel like somehow if you leave right now that…I don’t know…” Kris dropped his head again and whispered, “I’m scared of losing you.”
What? Well that’s backwards. “Why would you be afraid of losing me?”
“Because…I’m worried that this is all going to be too much for you to handle, and you had some kind of nightmare last night and well, you’ve been through so much…” Kris said tentatively.
No…no no no! He stood up and stepped back from Kris. “So what you’re saying is that I’m some kind of damaged freak? Huh?” Adam said harshly, anger springing from the fear of his dream coming true.
Kris looked horrorstruck. “No! Oh my god, Adam, that’s no what I meant! I--”
But Adam was at his limit; his head was pounding again and he was completely overwhelmed. He tore off the robe and grabbed his clothes, pulling them on as he practically ran from the room.
“Adam! Come back! Don’t leave me!”
Adam halted just as his hand was on the handle of the front door. What are you doing? He turned around and saw Kris standing in the living room with a blanket wrapped around him and tears streaming down his face. Shit, Lambert, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? He took two long strides and enveloped Kris’ body in his arms. “Kris, Kris…I don’t understand…why are you so scared? Don’t you know that I’m not going anywhere? Don’t you know that I need you?” He looked down at Kris and kissed his forehead.
“You need me?” Kris asked in a wavering voice.
“Yes, baby, I do.” He ran a thumb under Kris’ eye to catch a tear.
Kris sniffed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve felt so strong, so confident recently, but last night I barely slept…I kept worrying about how you would feel when you woke up. I need you, too, Adam…so much.” He buried his head in the crook of Adam’s neck and choked out a little sob.
Adam stroked his head and whispered, “shhhh…it’s okay, my little rabbit.” He continued to murmur soothing words into Kris’ ear and held him tightly. After a few minutes, he put a finger under Kris’ chin, lifted his face and gazed into his watery eyes. You’re falling for him…you know you are. Adam bent his head and touched his lips gently to Kris’ trembling mouth. They lingered in a simple and sweet kiss -- little brushes and soft presses of lips.
Adam finally pulled back and ran a hand nervously through his hair. He took a deep breath to quell the butterflies in his stomach. Go on, you can do it. “I want you to come home with me, Kris, but I want to do it right. Can you give me some time to plan this?”
Kris’ face lit up with a beautiful smile. “Of course I can.” He pulled Adam’s head down for another kiss, this one more passionate, their tongues sweeping in and out hungrily until Adam let out a moan.
“You know how hot I am for you, baby, but I don’t think I can mange it right now,” Adam said with a small laugh. Well that’s got to be a first. “I think there is a knife in my head somewhere and…” he looked at Kris seriously, “I need a little space to get myself together, okay?”
“Okay, yeah…I can understand that.” Kris said, nodding his head. “Will you call me later though?”
“Absolutely.” Then he grinned slyly. “Maybe by tonight my head will be back to normal and I can make you come over the phone again.”
Kris shuddered. “Yes, please.” Adam chuckled and gave him a last peck on the lips.
“Okay, I’m going to go catch a cab and I’ll call you tonight…angel.” He smiled at the look of glee on Kris’ face and walked out the door. When he reached the sidewalk he pulled out his phone and pushed his speed dial. “Ali, I need your help.”
“You okay, puppy?”
“Yes. Ali…I want to go back to therapy.”
Chapter 17
Pairing: Kris/Adam [AU]
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 2,792
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. I own nothing. None of this happened.
Warnings: This story involves character struggle with trauma and PTSD and may contain material that is triggering or upsetting to readers. Graphic sex in nearly every chapter. Language. Further warnings will be posted in the appropriate chapters.
Summary: Adam is a local singer with a troubled past and Kris, a department store clerk struggling to change his over compliant and passive ways. When the two meet by chance in the most unlikely of places, neither could have known how much they would end up needing the other. Set in Los Angeles in the year 2009-10.
A/N: Thank you all for your patience in waiting for this part after that evil cliffhanger! RL has been managed to some extent :) I went to two Halloween costume parties this weekend and I kept thinking about these boys every time I saw an angel or a vampire, LOL. Thank you so much for your comments and feedback! I appreciate incoherency and thoughtful comments alike ;p <3<3<3 Shout out to adamaddict_rh who seems to be living in my head somehow :O <3
PREVIOUS CHAPTERS HERE
Adam fell back against the bathroom wall and began to weep. “Angel doesn’t want meeeee!” Of course he doesn’t want you. Ugly…fat…freak! He slid down to the floor, body shaking with real sobs now as the words from ten years ago tormented him. “Angel…d-doesn’t…” he choked out.
“Shhhhhh…Adam…”
He felt warm hands on his cheeks and looked up into brown eyes.
“Angel?” He wiped the back of his hand across his nose and sniffed.
“Yes, Adam, angel is going to take care of you.”
Angel…angel… Adam wrapped his arms around the angel tightly and snuggled into his neck, tears starting to subside. He heard another voice now, too.
“Hey the cab is waiting, what’s taking so-- Adam! Kris, what’s going on? Is he okay?”
“I told him I wouldn’t go home with him, Neil, but then he started crying and…”
“Let me take him home then.”
“Noooooo!” Adam clutched the angel harder. Don’t leave me…please don’t leave me!
The angel stood up but held on to Adam’s hand. “Neil, please…let me take care of him tonight, okay? Take the cab, we’ll get our own.”
“I don’t know…are you sure you can handle this? Where are you taking him?”
Adam was starting to feel sick. He tried to follow what they were saying, but the room was suddenly spinning, spinning…he held on tightly to the angel’s hand...what are they saying? He thought he heard the angel…Kris…say, “apartment.” Then the other man…Neil, your brother…left.
“Come on, baby, put your arm around me…that’s right…here we go…it’s going to be alright.” Adam rose slowly from the floor and felt the wing feathers tickle his neck as he tried to walk. “Almost there…a little further, Adam…” The night air was cold and it made his stomach churn harder.
“I…I don’t feel good…” He staggered to the side of the building and threw up all over the ground in front of it. Sturdy hands gripped his shoulders until he was done heaving, then turned him around and guided him towards the street. He heard a loud whistle and yellow car pulled up and stopped in front of them.
“Get in the cab, Adam, we’re going home now.”
His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. “You’re not…leaving me?”
“No, baby, I’m not leaving you. Come on now.”
“Okay, angel.” He let the angel help him into the car and fell asleep almost immediately in the strong arms that encircled him.
A beautiful man with red wings was flying away, high in the sky. “Angel! Come back! Don’t leave me!” Adam ran and ran, stretching out his arms and trying to catch up, but the man looked down at him sadly and said, “I can’t be with you, Adam; you’re just a damaged freak. Good-bye!” “Nooooo! Come back, angel…don’t leave meeee!!! Anggeellllll!!!”
Incoherent screams suddenly pierced the silent night and Kris jumped up from his place on the floor. “Adam! Adam, wake up!” Adam opened his eyes a fraction and saw the blurry outline of a man’s face leaning over him. “Angel,” he whispered and stretched his arms wide. The bed sank a few inches and then Adam felt the angel curl around him completely. He sighed contentedly and fell back to sleep.
A dog was barking incessantly somewhere, a big dog by the sound of those deep, booming noises that were pounding into Adam’s semi-conscious, hung-over brain. Dogs should be banned on…what day is it? Oh my god, if that fucking dog doesn’t shut up…wait a minute, there aren't any dogs around here… Shit, why does it feel like someone drilled holes in my skull? OH.
It was like a hailstorm had suddenly erupted in Adam’s head; images of the night before, feelings, thoughts, and sensations - they all pelted him simultaneously in a chaotic maelstrom until he felt like throwing up. He squeezed his closed eyes tightly as if this would help it all go away. Aren’t people supposed to forget everything they did when they were hammered? He became aware of a warm body covering him…Kris…and the bed beneath him that he knew wasn’t his. I’m naked…and so is he. This fact didn’t alarm Adam as it would have in the past, but he didn’t move, couldn’t move, feeling immobilized by the physical pain in his head and the knowledge of how shamefully he had behaved last night.
You begged him to come home with you. You cried and begged like a baby, completely out of control, totally vulnerable…anything could have happened. But you’re safe. You’re with Kris in his bed and he took care of you. Adam remembered Kris steadying him as he puked his guts out and Kris holding him in the cab. Isn’t that why you let yourself drink in the first place? You knew you’d be safe with him. Adam slowly opened his eyes and saw Kris’ arm wrapped tightly around his waist. He suddenly recalled how terrified he had felt that Kris might leave him and thought about the dream he’d had in the middle of the night. He remembered the stabbing rejection when Kris wouldn’t come home with him, and the voices of his past taunting him, adding fuel to his self-loathing and sense of worthlessness, unworthy to be with Kris.
You put him in a terrible position…what was he supposed to do? Adam listened to the sound of Kris breathing for a minute and tried to figure out if he was upset or grateful that Kris had not come home with him. The feelings of rejection were still fresh, but they were mixed with intense relief that Kris had not taken advantage of the situation. Admit it, you want to let him in. Yes, okay fine, but not like that. Coward…you think you would’ve had the balls to ask if you weren’t drunk?
At least he didn’t leave me. He saw his dream in his mind again, “I can’t be with you, Adam; you’re just a damaged freak.” His whole body clenched in pain at the thought of Kris walking out on him and his head gave a nasty throb. How am I going to face him? What if he hates me after last night? Idiot…does it look like he hates you? Adam knew that Kris would want to talk about it all, but he didn’t have the energy for it and he was still so confused about the feelings that were warring within him. I need to go home.
Carefully, he tried to lift Kris’ arm up so he could roll away, but the arm only gripped him harder around the middle. “Leaving so soon?” said Kris.
“Uh…bathroom?” Coward. Adam sat up quickly and immediately regretted it. His vision swam with the pain in his head and he felt like he was going to be sick again.
“Whoa there…” Kris said softly. He sat up and grabbed Adam’s swaying body. “Let me help you…you need water and aspirin. Lie down and I’ll get you some.”
“You’ve done enough for me already,” Adam said, but he allowed Kris to guide him down onto his back. He hated the feeling of needing help but was comforted by it at the same time; he sighed quietly when Kris pecked him on the forehead before walking out of the room. Adam watched him go and admired his naked form for the thousandth time. Kris was clean and his hair was a little damp. He must have showered last night. Oh god, I bet I look like shit…and my mouth smells like a trash can. Feeling embarrassed at appearing so needy and disheveled, Adam pulled the blankets up to cover himself and ran his hands over his face. My fangs are gone…and my face is clean…wow.
He turned his head, slowly so that the room wouldn’t start spinning again, and saw his clothes folded neatly on a chair and a washcloth streaked with the remnants of his makeup hanging on the back of it. Leaning against the wall beyond the chair were the dark red angel wings. At the sight of them, Adam groaned out loud and his dick twitched. It was too much. There were too many emotions swarming him at the same time. I need to go home.
Kris returned with a huge glass of water and a little bottle of extra strength Tylenol. He sat down on the edge of the bed and smiled. “Good morning, beautiful, or should I say afternoon since it’s one o’clock.”
“Is it really?” Adam asked, trying not to open his mouth too much.
Kris chuckled. “Adam, do you really think I care about your morning breath? Here…” He opened the bottle and tapped out two pills. “Take these and drink that whole glass. I promise it’ll help you feel better.”
Adam took the medicine and the water, raised his head up a little and swallowed them down. He drank all of the water and then really did have to use the bathroom; he squirmed a bit.
Kris studied him for a minute. “I can tell you’re freaking out.”
“No…yes…I mean I am little but I also have to pee like a racehorse.”
“Oh jesus, that is too funny!” Kris said laughing, brown eyes crinkled in mirth.
“What?”
“You probably don’t remember, but you were talking about pee last night, and singing and…oh shit, Adam…I’m sorry,” he said and stopped laughing when he spotted the uncomfortable look on Adam’s face. “Come on, let me help you up.”
I need to go home. All he could think about now was the intense desire to get back to his sanctuary, to shower, call Ali and try to sort through his jumbled thoughts and feelings. Thank god I always ask for Halloween weekend off from work. He let Kris help him to his feet and just stood there a moment, trying to get his balance. Kris put an arm around his waist and kissed his neck, then looked up at Adam with worry.
“Matt is out, so no need to worry about…” Kris indicated their nakedness. Adam shivered and Kris’ brows furrowed even more. He left Adam for a moment and returned with a robe.
“Thanks.” Adam’s brain was still teeming and it was all he could do not to start laughing, crying and yelling all at once. The tension between them was becoming thick, palpable. This is unbearable. “I think I can make it on my own now,” he said putting on the robe, and walked to the hallway alone. He made it to the bathroom and sighed as he relieved himself, pressing his aching head on the cool tile wall above the toilet. Stop pushing him away…remember your dream? Do you want that to happen? Fuck. A tiny voice rose up amidst the storm in his head: maybe I should go back to therapy. Ugh, I can’t even think about that right now.
He turned on the water, splashed his face and rinsed his mouth out thoroughly. He spotted some mouthwash and used that, too, tried to fix his hair and left the bathroom. He felt steadier on his feet and his headache was starting to lessen a bit as the Tylenol kicked in. When he returned to Kris’ room, Adam saw him sitting naked on the bed with his head down, looking sad and cute. Do something, Lambert…reassure him somehow before bolting out of here. Adam walked over, kneeled before Kris and took hold of his hands. Kris lifted his head and Adam saw tears in those beautiful brown eyes. Fuck. You made him cry, you bastard. You better fix this…you can’t lose him.
“Thank you…for taking care of me last night,” he said sincerely. “I’m not mad at you. I’m glad you brought me here. I know I put you in a terrible spot last night and…I’m sorry, Kris.”
“Adam, I would do anything for you…anything. I was so worried that you would feel rejected when I didn’t come home with you, but…” his voice trailed off and he wiped at his eyes.
Adam shook his head and squeezed Kris’ hands. “It’s okay, but listen, I really need to go home now.”
“What? You want to leave? But…but can’t we talk about his some more…please?” Kris asked with a hint of pleading in his voice.
“I…I can’t. My head is still killing me, I need a shower plus I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. It’s too fucking much right now.”
“You could shower here, and then…and then…”
Why is he doing this? Can’t he see that I need some space? We can talk about this later. “Kris, what the hell? I just need to go home and get my shit together, okay?” he said with a stab of annoyance.
“I guess I feel like somehow if you leave right now that…I don’t know…” Kris dropped his head again and whispered, “I’m scared of losing you.”
What? Well that’s backwards. “Why would you be afraid of losing me?”
“Because…I’m worried that this is all going to be too much for you to handle, and you had some kind of nightmare last night and well, you’ve been through so much…” Kris said tentatively.
No…no no no! He stood up and stepped back from Kris. “So what you’re saying is that I’m some kind of damaged freak? Huh?” Adam said harshly, anger springing from the fear of his dream coming true.
Kris looked horrorstruck. “No! Oh my god, Adam, that’s no what I meant! I--”
But Adam was at his limit; his head was pounding again and he was completely overwhelmed. He tore off the robe and grabbed his clothes, pulling them on as he practically ran from the room.
“Adam! Come back! Don’t leave me!”
Adam halted just as his hand was on the handle of the front door. What are you doing? He turned around and saw Kris standing in the living room with a blanket wrapped around him and tears streaming down his face. Shit, Lambert, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? He took two long strides and enveloped Kris’ body in his arms. “Kris, Kris…I don’t understand…why are you so scared? Don’t you know that I’m not going anywhere? Don’t you know that I need you?” He looked down at Kris and kissed his forehead.
“You need me?” Kris asked in a wavering voice.
“Yes, baby, I do.” He ran a thumb under Kris’ eye to catch a tear.
Kris sniffed. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve felt so strong, so confident recently, but last night I barely slept…I kept worrying about how you would feel when you woke up. I need you, too, Adam…so much.” He buried his head in the crook of Adam’s neck and choked out a little sob.
Adam stroked his head and whispered, “shhhh…it’s okay, my little rabbit.” He continued to murmur soothing words into Kris’ ear and held him tightly. After a few minutes, he put a finger under Kris’ chin, lifted his face and gazed into his watery eyes. You’re falling for him…you know you are. Adam bent his head and touched his lips gently to Kris’ trembling mouth. They lingered in a simple and sweet kiss -- little brushes and soft presses of lips.
Adam finally pulled back and ran a hand nervously through his hair. He took a deep breath to quell the butterflies in his stomach. Go on, you can do it. “I want you to come home with me, Kris, but I want to do it right. Can you give me some time to plan this?”
Kris’ face lit up with a beautiful smile. “Of course I can.” He pulled Adam’s head down for another kiss, this one more passionate, their tongues sweeping in and out hungrily until Adam let out a moan.
“You know how hot I am for you, baby, but I don’t think I can mange it right now,” Adam said with a small laugh. Well that’s got to be a first. “I think there is a knife in my head somewhere and…” he looked at Kris seriously, “I need a little space to get myself together, okay?”
“Okay, yeah…I can understand that.” Kris said, nodding his head. “Will you call me later though?”
“Absolutely.” Then he grinned slyly. “Maybe by tonight my head will be back to normal and I can make you come over the phone again.”
Kris shuddered. “Yes, please.” Adam chuckled and gave him a last peck on the lips.
“Okay, I’m going to go catch a cab and I’ll call you tonight…angel.” He smiled at the look of glee on Kris’ face and walked out the door. When he reached the sidewalk he pulled out his phone and pushed his speed dial. “Ali, I need your help.”
“You okay, puppy?”
“Yes. Ali…I want to go back to therapy.”
Chapter 17