Tainted -- Chapter 18
As he left the stage following the finale, Adam forced himself not to look toward the enormous sea of people that surrounded it -- not to scan its numbers for a face that he wouldn't have been able to recognize anyway. That thought alone was terrifying enough -- the knowledge that the only way he would even know his attacker was by his voice.
She said he's here -- but I don't even know who to look out for -- who to avoid...
"Adam. Can we talk?"
Except him.
"No."
Adam replied sharply, immediately turning on his heel and striding away from Kris. Tonight, he remembered as the Idols made their way to the room where the after show meet and greet was being held, he would have to avoid Allison as well. She had seen and heard too much before his set, just as Kris had, and he needed time to think, to figure out what to do, before facing her again.
He sought out one of the handlers and claimed that he wasn't feeling well, and could he please go wait on the bus with one of the bodyguards? The handler agreed immediately; they were all well aware of his recent trauma, and the fact that occasional concessions would have to be made.
Adam retreated to his bunk, taking comfort in the fact that the guard was sitting at the table in the front area of the bus, and would prevent anyone from getting to him. He lay down and pulled the curtain closed, closing his eyes as well and struggling to focus through the sick sensation of fear that filled his chest and clouded his thoughts.
I actually said it out loud -- and Kris and Alli both heard me. 'If he sees us...' God, Lambert, could you be any more stupid?
Adam struggled to control the rapid increase of his breathing, the panic that threatened to overwhelm him, his racing thoughts moving too quickly to come up with any kind of plan. He knew that he had aroused his friends' suspicions with his words, but had no idea what he could possibly do to lay those concerns to rest again.
Kris isn't going to let this go. What if he keeps trying to figure it out? Oh, God, what if he talks to Larissa about it?
Adam wanted to throw up.
He tried to shut out the tormenting cacophony of his own thoughts as he listened to the sound of the other Idols getting onto the bus. He held his breath for a moment, wiping at his face with the back of his hand in a weak attempt to make himself presentable in case any of them should try to talk to him -- but no one did. They just left him alone, probably assuming he was asleep.
Adam didn't think he'd be sleeping at all tonight.
Once in the privacy and quiet of his own hotel room, Adam lay down on the bed, feeling drained and lost and utterly exhausted. All he wanted to do was to sleep and sleep and never wake up again.
Wouldn't that be so easy... just to go to sleep and not wake up... It would all be over...
Adam thought of the bottle of antidepressants prescribed to him at the hospital -- as of yet untouched, but packed in with his things "just in case". He had taken one immediately after receiving them, but didn't like the way they made him feel. They clouded his thoughts and made him feel too relaxed and hazy.
And in his situation, he had to be alert and aware at all times.
He had to know what was going on around him.
But... maybe you don't...
For the first time since his entire ordeal had begun, as the pain and the threats and the terrifying, very real possibility of his friends finding out his secret began to close in on him -- Adam considered another, far darker use for those untouched antidepressants.
It'd be so easy... you'd just go to sleep... and never wake up again...
The phone rang, startling him out of his dark reverie, and Adam stared at it for a moment through wide, frightened eyes. His heart leapt up into his throat as a single thought flooded his mind.
He saw me with Kris. He saw me and he told her and it's her...
He hesitated, biting his lower lip, dreading the thought of answering the phone. Finally, more afraid of Larissa's anger if he didn't answer her call than of the call itself, Adam picked up the receiver in a trembling hand and held it to his ear. His voice was barely a breath as he ventured to speak.
"H-hello?"
"Adam?" His fears faded into short-lived relief as he registered Allison's voice -- and then, with alarm, the fact that she was obviously crying. "Adam, are you there?"
"Yeah." Adam raised his voice, sitting up on the bed, suddenly alert. "Alli, what is it? What's the matter?"
"I need you," she whimpered, her voice cracked and hoarse with tears. "C-can you... can you come here? To my room?"
"Of course, Alli, just a minute," Adam answered without hesitation, leaning down and reaching for a pair of flip flops he'd left under the edge of the bed. "I'll be right there."
It never occurred to him not to go to her. He could hear the desperation in her voice, and knew only that if she needed him, he had no choice but to be there for her. He reached her room less than two minutes later, knocking quickly and waiting with an impatiently tapping foot for her to open the door.
It opened a moment later, and Adam went inside, frowning in confusion at the sight of Allison sitting on the edge of her bed, her arms crossed over her chest -- the picture of composure.
“You… you were crying,” he stated dumbly, shaking his head in confusion.
Allison gave him an apologetic grimace, clarifying quietly, “I was acting. I’m a seventeen-year-old girl, Adam. I’m… pretty good at faking tears.”
Then, unexpectedly, Adam heard the door close behind him… and then it registered.
Allison had not been the one to open the door.
Adam spun around in alarm, dismayed to see Kris standing behind him, leaning up against the door with his arms crossed, his jaw set in determination.
"Adam," he stated softly. "We need to talk."
Adam's mouth was dry, his heart racing, as he shook his head. "No," he whispered. "No, we don't."
"We do," Kris insisted gently. "Something's going on... something that involves me, only you haven't told me about it... and you really need to, Adam. Whatever it is... it's obviously killing you."
"No, this... this isn't fair, you two..." Adam turned and glared at Allison, pointing an accusing finger in her direction before turning back toward Kris. "You tricked me!"
"It was the only way I knew you'd come," Allison softly explained. When Adam looked back at her, she swallowed hard, her eyes round and her expression suddenly self-conscious. She rose to her feet, glancing toward the door to her mother's adjoining room. "And... on that note... I'm gonna leave you two alone for a bit..."
"No!" Adam objected sharply, moving purposefully toward the door. "Kris, get away from the door. I'm going back to my room."
Kris met his gaze with eyes that were gentle but unyielding. His voice was very soft but very certain as he replied without moving an inch.
"No you're not."
"Kris... you can't do this. You can't make me..." Adam's voice broke as he struggled with his own rising panic. "I can't... be here..."
"Why not?" Kris pressed, taking a step forward, his eyes narrowed slightly as he searched Adam's face. "Because... someone will see us together? And... that's bad?"
Adam looked away, despairing, well aware that at this point it was too late to deny what Kris had already heard from his own lips. Kris nodded once in confirmation of the unspoken answer he read in Adam's reaction.
"Okay," he continued slowly. "Then... who? Who isn't supposed to see us together, Adam? What is going on here, and what does it have to do with me?"
Adam swallowed hard, the motion painful as he lowered his head and closed his eyes. His voice was a desperate, aching whisper.
"I can't... tell you," he insisted.
"Adam." He flinched but did not pull away when he felt the light, reassuring touch of Kris's hand on his arm. "Adam, come on. Of course you can. You can tell me anything, remember?"
Adam felt the tears building behind his eyes at the compassionate, caring touch -- just what he needed so badly, and just what he had to make Kris take back. He felt his emotions spinning out of his control, warring with his knowledge of what he had to do to protect them.
"N-not this," he insisted weakly, his voice coming out in a choked, tearful whimper. "I can't... can't tell you this, Kris. I want to, but... I can't..."
Kris edged forward into Adam's space, cautious and wary lest he should frighten his already skittish friend. One of Kris's warm hands rose to rest at the back of Adam's neck, the soft pressure steadying and reassuring. His other arm slid around Adam's waist to tug him gently closer.
"Shhh, it's okay. Come here. It's all right," Kris soothed him.
Adam wanted nothing more than to collapse into the embrace Kris offered, to accept the comfort and closeness he'd been longing for -- but he knew that he couldn't. Abruptly he pushed Kris back with weak, trembling hands.
"N-no, he can't... can't see..."
"That's right, Adam." Kris's voice was softly insistent as he moved with Adam, not letting him pull away, waiting until Adam met his eyes to shake his head and offer a reassuring smile. "He can't see. He can't see us in here, okay? Whoever he is... why ever he's watching... it's safe in here. He can't see."
Adam's eyes widened as he considered that, but then he shook his head again, pulling free and stumbling backward toward the bed. "No, he... he knows I'm in here..."
Kris frowned, troubled, thinking. "Because... he's watching you," he guessed.
Adam nodded hurriedly, drawing in a halting breath that was almost a sob.
"Then... he couldn't possibly have been watching me, too," Kris reasoned, eyebrows raised speculatively as he took a couple of cautious steps toward Adam. "He can't be in two places at once -- and I've been here for nearly an hour. So... he might know you're in here... talking to Alli... but he has no idea I'm here... so... again..." Kris gave an exaggerated nod and smile as he repeated, "... we're safe. Okay?"
Adam glanced toward the door, sick with fear, wanting desperately to believe what Kris was saying. It seemed to make sense; yet he couldn't quite reconcile Kris's reassurances with the omnipotent, omnipresent quality he'd come to associate with his attacker. Despite the logic of Kris's words, there was a very strong part of Adam that couldn't help but believe that somehow, however impossible it might seem, Larissa's guy would know, and would punish him for it.
He shook his head slowly as Kris moved toward him, taking another backward step that caused him to sit down hard on the side of the bed. His shoulders shook with defeated tears, and he covered his face with his hands as Kris reached him and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Kris sat down slowly beside him, reaching up to take Adam's hands in his own and pull them gently away from his face.
"Come here," Kris whispered, wrapping a surprisingly strong arm around Adam and pulling his head down toward Kris's shoulder. "Come on, Adam. It's okay. Come here."
Adam couldn’t resist anymore, not as desperately as he’d longed for this for the past few weeks. He allowed himself to be held, burying his face in the crook of Kris’s neck, his hot tears soaking through the soft fabric of Kris’s t-shirt.
“I can’t,” he insisted still, shaking his head slowly against Kris’s neck. “I c-can’t… tell you…”
Kris was quiet for a moment, his hand stroking slow, soothing lines up and down Adam’s back. Finally he spoke, soft strength in his quiet, soothing voice.
“You don’t have to, Adam. It’s all right. You don’t have to tell me anything. But… you can let me be here with you for a little while, all right? Just let me do this…”
Adam was still for a moment, wrestling with the last remnants of his resolve. At last he nodded slowly, his shaking hands rising to return Kris’s embrace. Kris slid back, pulling Adam with him, until his back was braced against the headboard, then settled in, drawing Adam in close against him and holding him tight.
“It’s all right,” he whispered again and again, stroking Adam’s back, his hair, his face, doing his best to fight a monster he couldn’t see or even identify. “It’s all right. Whatever’s out there… whatever you’re scared of… it can’t get in here. You’re safe, Adam. In here, you’re safe."
TBC...