Relationships - Where I'm at now
Looking back through my LJ, I find that I repeat things a lot. I suppose this should tell me something about how I've been dealing with my issues...
I really miss having a girlfriend.
Lately I've been trying to wrap my head around the idea of dating, and various models of dating, and how different people seem to handle it.
You may have noticed passing mentions of romance in some of my more introspective posts these past few months, and I think I've seriously downplayed how big a part those small mentions actually play in my thoughts. The extent to which I am preoccupied with thoughts of romance, relationships, sex, etc. would probably surprise most of the people I know. I don't talk about any of that stuff because... well... I'm shy about it. I'm worried about actually addressing that part of myself to other people. I always have been. I suppose you can refer back to "Emotional Connections and Such" about how I'm afraid to get close to people and talk about very personal things (esp. in situations in which I'm already close, or said things might affect peoples' opinions of me. Which is to say, primarily people I already know and whose opinions I might care about.) And I've already explained at some length about how I'm overly cautious of intense emotions, and what is romance if not a minefield of intense emotions? (Do you always need a question mark for rhetorical questions?) I suppose that another part of the reason I don't talk about it much is because most of it is just muddled-up thoughts and fantasies. The part of it that seems worth actually discussing is relatively small.
Of course, the fact that I don't talk about it probably lends to more obsession.
I've certainly grown up a great deal since my huge dump of I've-never-talked-about-any-of-this-with-anyone-before four years ago (both in general, and with regards to this particular subject). While I'm still liable to freak out a little, I'm not utterly terrified to talk about things like this anymore. I have fewer romanticized ideas about romance. I'm not nearly so obsessed with or worked up over the subject, though I do still think about it all the time... But then, I'm not entirely sure how much the average person (if there is such a thing) thinks about such things.
*aherm* So, once again, allow me to return to what I still look at as major defining moments from early puberty. I had crushes on three different girls from 5th through 8th grade. These were intense, obsessive crushes that never went anywhere because I was too shy to do anything about them despite glaring opportunities, and they kinda drove me crazy for a while. So, in the transition to high school, I decided that these crushes were rather shallow and based primarily on looks with maybe the vaguest impression of personality, and that I just wasn't going to do that anymore. And I didn't. I didn't have a crush on anyone all throughout high school, and...
Frankly, I haven't really had a crush on anyone since then. Well... okay.... that's not entirely true... but I've no intention to pursue that.
I think I'd say that I haven't "been interested" in anyone on any sort of semi-serious level since then (Erm, I suppose with one obvious and complicated exception)
Whenever I think about any sort of relationship possibility with someone, I sorta just run various personality factors through my head, and I inevitably think, "nah, that wouldn't work". I think; "these general emotional issues here would clash", "this obsessive tendency is a major pet peeve", "this short temper here would just kill me", or "she wouldn't want to deal with my moodiness". And sometimes I think maybe I'm worrying too much about problems and not thinking, say, okay, this will be a problem so what if we address it, how are things then. And I think that perhaps I am relying too heavily on quick judgements before even giving things a try to see how they might work out.
In particular the gradual revelation over the past few years that various girls - some who know me and some who don't - find me attractive sorta makes me feel like perhaps I'm being too picky (though many of the above mentioned sorts of judgements have been agreed upon by the one or two people who I talk with about such things.)
I'd like to think I have a fairly realistic idea of myself and what sorts of general personality traits I would work well with. I suppose maybe I need to concentrate on not worrying so much over specifics and just... follow what strikes my fancy a bit. It's just that I haven't really met many people who (in terms of personality) strike me as particularly attractive. And I guess what I'm getting at is, I have a hard time figuring out what that lack of attraction means. Can I really trust what strikes (or doesn't strike) the emotion of attraction in me? Does it mean that I'm semi-consciously being too picky about what I consider attractive? Is it just me looking for excuses because of my fear of actually pursuing a relationship?
Of course, a major issue in all of this right now is that I have no life... I don't meet new people (and all the new girls I've met in the last few months have boyfriends, or girlfriends, already). I expect this to change somewhat once I finally get a job, get out of the house more, and actually have an income.
So...
How do you decide that you like someone? Do you go on a few dates and start thinking, "hey, this is good"? Do you listen to them talk for ten minutes and decide that they interest you? Does it gradually develop for you over time? Does it catch you by surprise one day? (Not like I expect any one answer to exclusively apply to one person). Okay... stepping back from like a bit. How do you decide that you are interested in someone? That you want to ask them out, (or that you want to ask them out again/on a more serious date) or whatever?
I suppose it's only natural that I would be very cautious of who I ask out, because dating sounds like a potentially very frustrating and discouraging endeavor for me. Y'see, one on one conversation is still a major social stumbling block for me, so I can't help but feel like I wanna make damn sure I can actually talk to a girl before I invite her to dinner. I think it's largely due to these particular problems with personal interaction that I like the idea of getting to know a girl long beforehand... I suppose that approach can accomplish about the same thing as dating. It has its advantages and disadvantages.
Once I actually get out and start meeting new people I kinda hope to push myself forward a little more... To start making more friends on my own.
I think, at this point, I kinda have my mind set on the idea that I want to meet someone new, someone who maybe I don't know so well but I think I could be attracted to on a personal level, and just have a date... Maybe meet a couple someones new, and have a couple dates. Nothing too serious, just... some nice conversation and maybe a touch more... and me actually pursuing my own interest in someone else. That sounds nice. And then maybe I won't totally freak out and freeze up like when it's been someone else pursuing me.
Oh, and to all of you who may be concerned about my opening statement here, I'd like to emphasize that I am not obsessing over the idea that I need to be in a relationship. I'm sure as hell not looking to dive head first into something serious. Certainly a serious relationship is a goal I want to eventually work towards; isn't it for just about everybody? But I'm in no rush.
I still really miss having a girlfriend though.
I really miss having a girlfriend.
Lately I've been trying to wrap my head around the idea of dating, and various models of dating, and how different people seem to handle it.
You may have noticed passing mentions of romance in some of my more introspective posts these past few months, and I think I've seriously downplayed how big a part those small mentions actually play in my thoughts. The extent to which I am preoccupied with thoughts of romance, relationships, sex, etc. would probably surprise most of the people I know. I don't talk about any of that stuff because... well... I'm shy about it. I'm worried about actually addressing that part of myself to other people. I always have been. I suppose you can refer back to "Emotional Connections and Such" about how I'm afraid to get close to people and talk about very personal things (esp. in situations in which I'm already close, or said things might affect peoples' opinions of me. Which is to say, primarily people I already know and whose opinions I might care about.) And I've already explained at some length about how I'm overly cautious of intense emotions, and what is romance if not a minefield of intense emotions? (Do you always need a question mark for rhetorical questions?) I suppose that another part of the reason I don't talk about it much is because most of it is just muddled-up thoughts and fantasies. The part of it that seems worth actually discussing is relatively small.
Of course, the fact that I don't talk about it probably lends to more obsession.
I've certainly grown up a great deal since my huge dump of I've-never-talked-about-any-of-this-with-anyone-before four years ago (both in general, and with regards to this particular subject). While I'm still liable to freak out a little, I'm not utterly terrified to talk about things like this anymore. I have fewer romanticized ideas about romance. I'm not nearly so obsessed with or worked up over the subject, though I do still think about it all the time... But then, I'm not entirely sure how much the average person (if there is such a thing) thinks about such things.
*aherm* So, once again, allow me to return to what I still look at as major defining moments from early puberty. I had crushes on three different girls from 5th through 8th grade. These were intense, obsessive crushes that never went anywhere because I was too shy to do anything about them despite glaring opportunities, and they kinda drove me crazy for a while. So, in the transition to high school, I decided that these crushes were rather shallow and based primarily on looks with maybe the vaguest impression of personality, and that I just wasn't going to do that anymore. And I didn't. I didn't have a crush on anyone all throughout high school, and...
Frankly, I haven't really had a crush on anyone since then. Well... okay.... that's not entirely true... but I've no intention to pursue that.
I think I'd say that I haven't "been interested" in anyone on any sort of semi-serious level since then (Erm, I suppose with one obvious and complicated exception)
Whenever I think about any sort of relationship possibility with someone, I sorta just run various personality factors through my head, and I inevitably think, "nah, that wouldn't work". I think; "these general emotional issues here would clash", "this obsessive tendency is a major pet peeve", "this short temper here would just kill me", or "she wouldn't want to deal with my moodiness". And sometimes I think maybe I'm worrying too much about problems and not thinking, say, okay, this will be a problem so what if we address it, how are things then. And I think that perhaps I am relying too heavily on quick judgements before even giving things a try to see how they might work out.
In particular the gradual revelation over the past few years that various girls - some who know me and some who don't - find me attractive sorta makes me feel like perhaps I'm being too picky (though many of the above mentioned sorts of judgements have been agreed upon by the one or two people who I talk with about such things.)
I'd like to think I have a fairly realistic idea of myself and what sorts of general personality traits I would work well with. I suppose maybe I need to concentrate on not worrying so much over specifics and just... follow what strikes my fancy a bit. It's just that I haven't really met many people who (in terms of personality) strike me as particularly attractive. And I guess what I'm getting at is, I have a hard time figuring out what that lack of attraction means. Can I really trust what strikes (or doesn't strike) the emotion of attraction in me? Does it mean that I'm semi-consciously being too picky about what I consider attractive? Is it just me looking for excuses because of my fear of actually pursuing a relationship?
Of course, a major issue in all of this right now is that I have no life... I don't meet new people (and all the new girls I've met in the last few months have boyfriends, or girlfriends, already). I expect this to change somewhat once I finally get a job, get out of the house more, and actually have an income.
So...
How do you decide that you like someone? Do you go on a few dates and start thinking, "hey, this is good"? Do you listen to them talk for ten minutes and decide that they interest you? Does it gradually develop for you over time? Does it catch you by surprise one day? (Not like I expect any one answer to exclusively apply to one person). Okay... stepping back from like a bit. How do you decide that you are interested in someone? That you want to ask them out, (or that you want to ask them out again/on a more serious date) or whatever?
I suppose it's only natural that I would be very cautious of who I ask out, because dating sounds like a potentially very frustrating and discouraging endeavor for me. Y'see, one on one conversation is still a major social stumbling block for me, so I can't help but feel like I wanna make damn sure I can actually talk to a girl before I invite her to dinner. I think it's largely due to these particular problems with personal interaction that I like the idea of getting to know a girl long beforehand... I suppose that approach can accomplish about the same thing as dating. It has its advantages and disadvantages.
Once I actually get out and start meeting new people I kinda hope to push myself forward a little more... To start making more friends on my own.
I think, at this point, I kinda have my mind set on the idea that I want to meet someone new, someone who maybe I don't know so well but I think I could be attracted to on a personal level, and just have a date... Maybe meet a couple someones new, and have a couple dates. Nothing too serious, just... some nice conversation and maybe a touch more... and me actually pursuing my own interest in someone else. That sounds nice. And then maybe I won't totally freak out and freeze up like when it's been someone else pursuing me.
Oh, and to all of you who may be concerned about my opening statement here, I'd like to emphasize that I am not obsessing over the idea that I need to be in a relationship. I'm sure as hell not looking to dive head first into something serious. Certainly a serious relationship is a goal I want to eventually work towards; isn't it for just about everybody? But I'm in no rush.
I still really miss having a girlfriend though.