Do I Really Want to do This?
I'm kinda thinking myself in circles, right now. I'm kinda having a minor crisis of confidence.
I think my inability to find a job so far (with my admittedly... maybe... 3/4-hearted efforts) probably contributes to it.
Maybe I'm just having cold feet here...
As I've said, I've been less than confident in my artistic capabilities as of late.
So I talked to the guy at FIEA. Basically he just said that they want to see work with a lot more polish. The computer graphics industry is extremely competitive, and they want to be sure their students will be able to keep up. He said there was some pretty interesting stuff in there, like the drawing of Professor Hess, but there was also a lot of awkward of sloppy stuff in there(not his words, of course), and... I can definitely see what he means; I've been less than totally confident about the pieces I put in my portfolio (It may not be a good idea to send out a demo reel with your first ever major animation project on it...)
When I talked to him I'd just gotten up from the least restful night of sleep I've had in weeks and was feeling pretty iffy, and I think I came off a lot more awkward than usual. I didn't ask him some questions I should have (like, What do you think of "Moonrise" and my photography?) which I'd feel really silly asking now, considering he asked if I had any more questions, like, three times (he had a tendency to ramble, and then return to previous points and all that). I mean, it'd be pretty much saying outright, "excuse me, I was too scatterbrained/intimidated to ask these questions when we talked earlier." Doesn't exactly make a good impression...
And, well... I'm kinda freaking out, thinking about the future I've been aiming for...
A lot of the persistent artistic problems I've had for the last few years are very, very clearly visible for me right now. I know that's largely from a lack of practice...
I look at this silly little doodle - krail1.deviantart.com/art/An-Expansive-Inventory-105996804 - and think, honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit how much time this took me to draw, touch up, and color. I wasn't counting, but I'll simply say, a few hours. Certainly it's not a "finished" piece, but to seriously polish it would have taken a great deal more time.
And then I go to DA and I see something like this - risachantag.deviantart.com/art/Original-Chasing-Waterfalls-105763501 - and the artist says "Quick sketch, 1 1/2 hours", and she's a year younger than me. I've always looked at these things on DA and felt kinda bad, and I feel worse about it now.
THAT's where the bar is. THAT's what the people I want to hire me are going to be looking at. (I suppose line art is my major thing. The above example shows something I've always really wanted to do, i.e. very nice atmospheric painting, but actually have very little practice in, so it's not an exact comparison, but still...)
*Sigh* and what am I doing about it? Sitting here complaining on my LJ.
It's kinda funny, I think this is a considerably different world than the one my education was preparing me for, and one I've done little to prepare myself for. I feel like any of my art professors could look at a random incredibly detailed and interesting drawing of "Random Space Orc A" and think, "That's very nice, but... is there any significance to this?" Meanwhile, Random Game Company would probably look at it and say, "That's a really nice, polished space orc, come work for us." Seems like there's this huge focus primarily on technical proficiency.
And I look at some of this stuff and I think... Could I ever actually do this? With the speed and proficiency that these people seem to? How do I even go about learning this stuff? I start wondering, am I really up to snuff here?
I start wondering, do I really wanna do this?
Where is my life heading? Do I want to go here? What will this mean? What is the worth of this job? Could I be doing something 'better'? What kind of person will I become? How hard will I have to work to get there, and is there reward enough to merit it? What will my social life and social opportunities be like? How much time will this way of life take out of my life? Do I want to take a slightly different tack at it? Do I want to do something else?
Even if I did decide I didn't want to do this... what would I do instead?
I guess I'm sorta facing how much of a commitment this thing will really be, and... well, I am really scared of actually seriously comitting myself to something. If I really want to do this I will have to jump up to my eyeballs in it. The price of simply trying it out and seeing how I like it is high in time commitment. I don't really want to go off to school being so unsure because, well, $50,000 is a steep price to pay just to find out if I want to do this or not.
In terms of just practicing, keeping up with my art and churning stuff out, building up my skills with constant practice, is a general lack of motivation and... I feel I'm lacking something of an emotional base. Of course... college really screwed with my ability to focus, and these last far-too-many months of idleness have taken those bedgraggled remains, dragged them outside, and beat on them with baseball bats.
It's so hard to find the motivation to keep working. I do one or two nice sketches and then... I stop... I open up photoshop and try to fiddle aorund with it, but... I just fall back into the same set of techniques that I know, and I don't know what to do, and I feel lost, and I have absolutely no idea how to get the beatifully organic feel tons of other artists seem to get out of digital painting. I have no idea where or how to learn, and the more awkward steps I take, the more discouraged I feel.
I know... I know I've let myself fall into a very bad short-term rewards cycle. Reading something for a while, that's nice, keeps me entertained. Read a little here, play a little game here, write a little here. I can work at something for a little while, okay. When I'm with my friends I don't want to be doing something, because I feel like I'll be missing out. I can do one thing in a day and then get to feeling like, "Oh, I did something, I rest now." Diving head first into a huge art project, that takes a lot of time and commitment. That takes a lot more focus, and... what's my reward at the end? I've made a (hopefully) pretty picture, and then... what? Nothing's changed, and I go back to the same stupid cycle. The same dull, awkward home life...
Honestly, it was largely the same way at school. I feel like I mostly just piddled around, and it was only the pacing of classes that kept me progressing in anyway. I never really questioned classes... I just dug into the work because it was what I was supposed to do... Of course, more of a real social life was nice, too. At the end of the day, there was something to come home to.
I think I've had some serious self-motivation problems for a while, now, and they're getting worse...
It's just too damn easy to sit and do nothing around here... I've gotta pick myself up and do stuff, but... I just feel like I have no reason, no goal to shoot for, nothing much emotionally to get from it. I don't get the sense of accomplishment from having completed an assignment that I've learned to rely on so much. I don't get those reaffirmations along the way that I probably rely on far too much... It doesn't feel like it's getting me anywhere...
Gah... I just feel like I'm rambling here.
In summary, cold feet, low confidence, lack of motivation.
I could really use some words of encouragement here...
I think my inability to find a job so far (with my admittedly... maybe... 3/4-hearted efforts) probably contributes to it.
Maybe I'm just having cold feet here...
As I've said, I've been less than confident in my artistic capabilities as of late.
So I talked to the guy at FIEA. Basically he just said that they want to see work with a lot more polish. The computer graphics industry is extremely competitive, and they want to be sure their students will be able to keep up. He said there was some pretty interesting stuff in there, like the drawing of Professor Hess, but there was also a lot of awkward of sloppy stuff in there(not his words, of course), and... I can definitely see what he means; I've been less than totally confident about the pieces I put in my portfolio (It may not be a good idea to send out a demo reel with your first ever major animation project on it...)
When I talked to him I'd just gotten up from the least restful night of sleep I've had in weeks and was feeling pretty iffy, and I think I came off a lot more awkward than usual. I didn't ask him some questions I should have (like, What do you think of "Moonrise" and my photography?) which I'd feel really silly asking now, considering he asked if I had any more questions, like, three times (he had a tendency to ramble, and then return to previous points and all that). I mean, it'd be pretty much saying outright, "excuse me, I was too scatterbrained/intimidated to ask these questions when we talked earlier." Doesn't exactly make a good impression...
And, well... I'm kinda freaking out, thinking about the future I've been aiming for...
A lot of the persistent artistic problems I've had for the last few years are very, very clearly visible for me right now. I know that's largely from a lack of practice...
I look at this silly little doodle - krail1.deviantart.com/art/An-Expansive-Inventory-105996804 - and think, honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit how much time this took me to draw, touch up, and color. I wasn't counting, but I'll simply say, a few hours. Certainly it's not a "finished" piece, but to seriously polish it would have taken a great deal more time.
And then I go to DA and I see something like this - risachantag.deviantart.com/art/Original-Chasing-Waterfalls-105763501 - and the artist says "Quick sketch, 1 1/2 hours", and she's a year younger than me. I've always looked at these things on DA and felt kinda bad, and I feel worse about it now.
THAT's where the bar is. THAT's what the people I want to hire me are going to be looking at. (I suppose line art is my major thing. The above example shows something I've always really wanted to do, i.e. very nice atmospheric painting, but actually have very little practice in, so it's not an exact comparison, but still...)
*Sigh* and what am I doing about it? Sitting here complaining on my LJ.
It's kinda funny, I think this is a considerably different world than the one my education was preparing me for, and one I've done little to prepare myself for. I feel like any of my art professors could look at a random incredibly detailed and interesting drawing of "Random Space Orc A" and think, "That's very nice, but... is there any significance to this?" Meanwhile, Random Game Company would probably look at it and say, "That's a really nice, polished space orc, come work for us." Seems like there's this huge focus primarily on technical proficiency.
And I look at some of this stuff and I think... Could I ever actually do this? With the speed and proficiency that these people seem to? How do I even go about learning this stuff? I start wondering, am I really up to snuff here?
I start wondering, do I really wanna do this?
Where is my life heading? Do I want to go here? What will this mean? What is the worth of this job? Could I be doing something 'better'? What kind of person will I become? How hard will I have to work to get there, and is there reward enough to merit it? What will my social life and social opportunities be like? How much time will this way of life take out of my life? Do I want to take a slightly different tack at it? Do I want to do something else?
Even if I did decide I didn't want to do this... what would I do instead?
I guess I'm sorta facing how much of a commitment this thing will really be, and... well, I am really scared of actually seriously comitting myself to something. If I really want to do this I will have to jump up to my eyeballs in it. The price of simply trying it out and seeing how I like it is high in time commitment. I don't really want to go off to school being so unsure because, well, $50,000 is a steep price to pay just to find out if I want to do this or not.
In terms of just practicing, keeping up with my art and churning stuff out, building up my skills with constant practice, is a general lack of motivation and... I feel I'm lacking something of an emotional base. Of course... college really screwed with my ability to focus, and these last far-too-many months of idleness have taken those bedgraggled remains, dragged them outside, and beat on them with baseball bats.
It's so hard to find the motivation to keep working. I do one or two nice sketches and then... I stop... I open up photoshop and try to fiddle aorund with it, but... I just fall back into the same set of techniques that I know, and I don't know what to do, and I feel lost, and I have absolutely no idea how to get the beatifully organic feel tons of other artists seem to get out of digital painting. I have no idea where or how to learn, and the more awkward steps I take, the more discouraged I feel.
I know... I know I've let myself fall into a very bad short-term rewards cycle. Reading something for a while, that's nice, keeps me entertained. Read a little here, play a little game here, write a little here. I can work at something for a little while, okay. When I'm with my friends I don't want to be doing something, because I feel like I'll be missing out. I can do one thing in a day and then get to feeling like, "Oh, I did something, I rest now." Diving head first into a huge art project, that takes a lot of time and commitment. That takes a lot more focus, and... what's my reward at the end? I've made a (hopefully) pretty picture, and then... what? Nothing's changed, and I go back to the same stupid cycle. The same dull, awkward home life...
Honestly, it was largely the same way at school. I feel like I mostly just piddled around, and it was only the pacing of classes that kept me progressing in anyway. I never really questioned classes... I just dug into the work because it was what I was supposed to do... Of course, more of a real social life was nice, too. At the end of the day, there was something to come home to.
I think I've had some serious self-motivation problems for a while, now, and they're getting worse...
It's just too damn easy to sit and do nothing around here... I've gotta pick myself up and do stuff, but... I just feel like I have no reason, no goal to shoot for, nothing much emotionally to get from it. I don't get the sense of accomplishment from having completed an assignment that I've learned to rely on so much. I don't get those reaffirmations along the way that I probably rely on far too much... It doesn't feel like it's getting me anywhere...
Gah... I just feel like I'm rambling here.
In summary, cold feet, low confidence, lack of motivation.
I could really use some words of encouragement here...