(no subject)
I just got the syllabus for one of my political science courses and apparently, I bought the wrong edition of the textbook so I have to campus tomorrow and buy the correct version because there are two 7th editions of this textbook except the more current version discusses the California recall election of Gray Davis.
I also found out that instead of a few small, minor papers worth 20-25% of my grade, my performance will be based on a midterm, a research paper and an in-class final.
This news wouldn't normally be problematic because I had a class somewhat similar in structure to this class, last quarter and a research paper was sort have required. But this research paper sounds a lot different from any other assignment I have had thus far and I am quietly freaking out at the possibility of getting bad grades for the third straight quarter. My negative reaction to the research paper (which will be discussed on the first day of class) is further proof that I should not consider graduate school as an option after graduation. Passion for political science should be all that is necessary, in some ways, for example, the actual desire to learn more about California politics. Maybe I will feel better after the class meets the first time.
The other thing that freaked me out until I calmed down enough to realize it was a typo was the class meeting times that Professor Robeck listed: T/R 12-2. If that was correct, I missed class today but I immediately saw the mistake though I almost had a heart attack at seeing those two letters next to the correct meeting time.
I think the obvious answer for my continual doubts about my political science classes is that I probably chose the wrong major and have not had the guts to change because I have wanted to be a political science major since I was in middle school or at least, my interest in current events and the news has gone back to elementary school when my 5th grade teacher, Mrs. Caputo had us describe current events we had seen in the news or newspaper each morning. I loved watching the KTVU morning news program on channel 2. Back then, I used to wake up at 6 or 7 each morning and depending on the season, I would get dressed and either sit on the couch or claim the floor heating vent as mine as I watched the news, fascinated by the different stories and relishing the thought of telling my friends interesting, cool, possibly gross stories or facts. I got a sense of empowerment from knowing that information and spitting it out in class each day. I didn't read the newspaper as much, probably because newspapers tend to have much more content than tv news but I was still hooked.
This love of current events carried me throughout middle school, where I participated in a program called, Newscope, a jeopardy structured current events game. I loved newscope and the feeling of kicking people's asses and the team comrarderie that developed between me and the other players whether or not we were on the same team for each competition and in 8th grade, I still remember that in the try-outs for the all-star team (which was a team composed of the best players from each school), in the qualifying rounds, I was the first person to get a spot and was thus named captain of a male dominated team and I still remember how good it felt to kick ass at something, and to beat the guys too- it was total heavan if there ever is such a place.
I think we went on to tie for either first or second place at the allstar competition and everyone on my team did great, including Eric (my next door neighbor who answered a bonus question about one of the Kentucky Derby winners) and I was chosen to represent our school on the team made up of a rep from each school who then played selected faculty members.
I look back on those days because I don't have that same passion or joy toward political science. That wasn't really political science but I always associated the two with each other. I guess I just wish I could feel proud of something and not question whether I am actually good or whether the TA's have helped me too much, or been too easy of a grader- not to imply that I am doing well in my classes but the classes in which I have done well I can never be sure.
Geez, middle school was almost ten years ago and I am still reveling in those small victories.
I want to get straight A's this quarter- I need to get straight A's this quarter to prove that I am not just some slacker who chose this major as a default even though that assessment is pretty much the truth. I chose political science because I got high honors on the California Golden State exams (one of two students in my class who did that), because I thought I liked learning about politics but maybe I have been wrong this entire time because my internal and external political efficacy is pretty low, which is one reason I don't pay much attention to the events around us, which I should be completely engrossed in.
Instead, I sit here typing about my lack of confidence in my abilities when I could be spending quality time further developing the skills that ideally, will be the foundation of whatever career I choose (though hopefully somewhat connected/related to political science).
I guess time will tell if I have chosen the wrong major but I don't think I can afford to wait for time to give me the answers. I need to discover them on my own while I still have time to fuck around wiht my life, when I don't have anyone depending on me (not that I ever will, but maybe).
Screwing up is fine and almost expected as I am human and as long as I have the skills to recover and motivation to be better than I am, then I will be fine in the long run. It is nights like these when I miss my counseling sessions with Chris on Friday mornings. I know that I will be okay.. that is the only assurance I have right now because if I don't believe that my life will be fine in the long run and that my feelings right now are probably just an exaggerated reaction to my predicted workload this quarter (I am only taking 16 units- not that bad), then I might spiral even deeper into the anxiety that can control my life at times.