I Can See the Sudden Stop
Sunday, December 13, 2009: 12:23 p.m.
I’m beyond stressed.
I’m angry.
I’m alone.
I’m pissed.
I’m infuriated.
I’m agonizingly depressed.
I’m exhausted.
I’m so done with all these lies.
Those promises were empty, and only now can I see them for all the air that they were.
It will never cease to amaze me that every time I lessen my usefulness to an individual, they will immediately regress to hostile-acquaintance. I can’t seem to learn to grow into a different person from this point. If I could, I might be less amazed, and might even stop setting myself up for such betrayal.
This quarter has been, more or less, pure hell.
My curriculum is designed with general electives in mind. So that, when you start taking the computer modeling classes, you can buffer them out a bit and practice what you learned for more than just the length of the initial class before you go and take the next one. Well, not me. I’m getting shuttled through these classes because of my lack of ability to take general education classes, on account of the fact that I already have credit for most of them. And the ones I don’t have credit for? Those have to wait until my final quarters to flesh out the 2-credit business/portfolio classes I need to take then.
Here’s an illustration of what I’m talking about:
Last quarter, I took Computer Modeling I. Nice intro class, a teacher who got one-on-one with you and went at a speed that was easy for even me to follow. Since I can’t usually see the visual instructions, I’ve become one hell of a slow follower. Because, you know, I’m a visual learner (like most artists). So I have to rely on hearing, but “then you hit this little button right here” doesn’t carry the same level of instruction without the visual accompaniment. Either way. Computer Modeling I went well. We modeled a room and some items in it over the course of the quarter. One room. One quarter. Well, this quarter I got placed by my Academic Advisor himself into an Introductory-Advanced Game Design class. Designing Interior Spaces and Worlds. I was under the impression that this class was a lot of concept work - drawing, painting, coloring, etc. I was wrong. More than half of this class is computer modeling. One of the assignments? Model a room. IN A WEEK. The next assignment? Texture the room. Then after that? Import it into Unreal. After that? Make normal maps for all of your textures, and light maps for those that need it.
I was set to struggle from the get-go. I went from having 11 weeks to model a room down to 1. And the texturing? I haven’t had that class yet. And they only offer it every two quarters. Guess what? It was offered THIS quarter, so I can’t take it until April. Then Unreal? I’ve never touched the thing, be it the game or the engine, and since it’s a FPS engine, I’m not exactly enamored with it. And I especially have no knowledge of how to fuck with the editor. Then the normal maps and light maps? WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE? I vaguely know what they do - a normal map is supposed to do the equivalent of what a bump map does in Max, and a light map makes it so shadows can be cast on an object - but I have no idea how to make them. Or implement them.
That is just one class. I also have Intro to 3D Animation and Computer Modeling II with a teacher who doesn’t believe in human mortality. I’ve missed 2 classes in Intro to 3D, and 1 in Computer Modeling II, and because of that she told me the best grades I could get were a C- and a B- respectively. As if I chose to get a Staph infection. The only choice I made was to take care of it responsibly and not spread it to half the school population, though at this point I’m wishing I’d made an exception just for her. I’ve done exceptionally well on all my final animations, but she is also a firm believer in “If you don’t learn it my way, and perform my way, then you’re just a failure. I know there are multiple learning and working methods, and that not everyone is the same, but that just sucks for you if you don’t fit into my little box of expectations.” Her expectations are that you start producing physical work immediately, as opposed to the huge concept-base that I’ve been trained to work with. So I get a “slow start” according to her expectations and “miss checkpoints” that earn me 0’s. Never mind that I function on the same time frame as everyone else. I turn them all in at the same time, done just as well as, if not better than, a lot of the other projects. She says it’s to get me prepared for professional jobs. I’m sorry, but professional jobs are more concerned with the final product coming out satisfactorily than the bullshit steps leading up to its final production. In which case, I’m perfectly prepared. Oh, there’s also the fact that she’s requiring texturing, even though it isn’t listed as an official pre-requisite on the school’s degree break-downs (as opposed to the first class, which has it as a pre-req, but Ted put me in it anyway knowing I hadn’t taken it).
I’m not even content with Sims’ class, because he wont give me a straight answer about what my grade will be. I’m suspecting he’s one of those teachers that would tell you, “What are you worried about? You’re doing great!” and then find out you only had a C the whole time. I’ve done all the work in that class, too. I don’t even think I’ve missed a single day. The material isn’t challenging, it’s just work. I’m expecting an A out of that class, and at this point I need it.
Here comes the impact. Get ready.
I’m expecting a 1.5 to a 1.9 GPA this quarter. I’m effectively ruining the rest of my life, right here and now, because I have a dyke for a teacher in half of my classes who doesn’t believe that hard work and dedication and over-compensation are enough to excuse you for indulging in your humanity (aka, getting sick).
This tremendous 2-point drop in my GPA is, of course, going to fuck everything up. My cumulative GPA is going to drop 0.4 points. I’m going to get put on academic probation and will be walking on glass to keep my job and my only scholarship. I’m going to have to re-take the classes to get the grades replaced with a less-of-a-whore teacher, which won’t help my GPA or financial aid, but will at least remove the horrible D/C- grades that she’s hell-bent on burning into my transcript. And in the mean time, I have to continue to perform 100% above expectations just to pull those D/C- grades. I should not be doing 125% completion projects and only earning a fucking D. But that’s apparently how it’s going to go. Because life is terrible, life is a bitch, life is unfair, and nothing ever goes right.
Then, in case things weren’t bad enough, I get friends on my ass telling me I’m just not fucking trying hard enough. I guess I should have put that in quotes. “Friends”. I’ve suddenly been consumed by homework - never get to hang out - don’t go out any more - at school literally all day, every day - and I’m not trying hard enough? Excuse me. No.
Time to go crush my soul and see if Windows managed to save my work yesterday, or if it decided to get on the funny-boat with my “friends” and tell me to try harder, too.
I’m beyond stressed.
I’m angry.
I’m alone.
I’m pissed.
I’m infuriated.
I’m agonizingly depressed.
I’m exhausted.
I’m so done with all these lies.
Those promises were empty, and only now can I see them for all the air that they were.
It will never cease to amaze me that every time I lessen my usefulness to an individual, they will immediately regress to hostile-acquaintance. I can’t seem to learn to grow into a different person from this point. If I could, I might be less amazed, and might even stop setting myself up for such betrayal.
This quarter has been, more or less, pure hell.
My curriculum is designed with general electives in mind. So that, when you start taking the computer modeling classes, you can buffer them out a bit and practice what you learned for more than just the length of the initial class before you go and take the next one. Well, not me. I’m getting shuttled through these classes because of my lack of ability to take general education classes, on account of the fact that I already have credit for most of them. And the ones I don’t have credit for? Those have to wait until my final quarters to flesh out the 2-credit business/portfolio classes I need to take then.
Here’s an illustration of what I’m talking about:
Last quarter, I took Computer Modeling I. Nice intro class, a teacher who got one-on-one with you and went at a speed that was easy for even me to follow. Since I can’t usually see the visual instructions, I’ve become one hell of a slow follower. Because, you know, I’m a visual learner (like most artists). So I have to rely on hearing, but “then you hit this little button right here” doesn’t carry the same level of instruction without the visual accompaniment. Either way. Computer Modeling I went well. We modeled a room and some items in it over the course of the quarter. One room. One quarter. Well, this quarter I got placed by my Academic Advisor himself into an Introductory-Advanced Game Design class. Designing Interior Spaces and Worlds. I was under the impression that this class was a lot of concept work - drawing, painting, coloring, etc. I was wrong. More than half of this class is computer modeling. One of the assignments? Model a room. IN A WEEK. The next assignment? Texture the room. Then after that? Import it into Unreal. After that? Make normal maps for all of your textures, and light maps for those that need it.
I was set to struggle from the get-go. I went from having 11 weeks to model a room down to 1. And the texturing? I haven’t had that class yet. And they only offer it every two quarters. Guess what? It was offered THIS quarter, so I can’t take it until April. Then Unreal? I’ve never touched the thing, be it the game or the engine, and since it’s a FPS engine, I’m not exactly enamored with it. And I especially have no knowledge of how to fuck with the editor. Then the normal maps and light maps? WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE? I vaguely know what they do - a normal map is supposed to do the equivalent of what a bump map does in Max, and a light map makes it so shadows can be cast on an object - but I have no idea how to make them. Or implement them.
That is just one class. I also have Intro to 3D Animation and Computer Modeling II with a teacher who doesn’t believe in human mortality. I’ve missed 2 classes in Intro to 3D, and 1 in Computer Modeling II, and because of that she told me the best grades I could get were a C- and a B- respectively. As if I chose to get a Staph infection. The only choice I made was to take care of it responsibly and not spread it to half the school population, though at this point I’m wishing I’d made an exception just for her. I’ve done exceptionally well on all my final animations, but she is also a firm believer in “If you don’t learn it my way, and perform my way, then you’re just a failure. I know there are multiple learning and working methods, and that not everyone is the same, but that just sucks for you if you don’t fit into my little box of expectations.” Her expectations are that you start producing physical work immediately, as opposed to the huge concept-base that I’ve been trained to work with. So I get a “slow start” according to her expectations and “miss checkpoints” that earn me 0’s. Never mind that I function on the same time frame as everyone else. I turn them all in at the same time, done just as well as, if not better than, a lot of the other projects. She says it’s to get me prepared for professional jobs. I’m sorry, but professional jobs are more concerned with the final product coming out satisfactorily than the bullshit steps leading up to its final production. In which case, I’m perfectly prepared. Oh, there’s also the fact that she’s requiring texturing, even though it isn’t listed as an official pre-requisite on the school’s degree break-downs (as opposed to the first class, which has it as a pre-req, but Ted put me in it anyway knowing I hadn’t taken it).
I’m not even content with Sims’ class, because he wont give me a straight answer about what my grade will be. I’m suspecting he’s one of those teachers that would tell you, “What are you worried about? You’re doing great!” and then find out you only had a C the whole time. I’ve done all the work in that class, too. I don’t even think I’ve missed a single day. The material isn’t challenging, it’s just work. I’m expecting an A out of that class, and at this point I need it.
Here comes the impact. Get ready.
I’m expecting a 1.5 to a 1.9 GPA this quarter. I’m effectively ruining the rest of my life, right here and now, because I have a dyke for a teacher in half of my classes who doesn’t believe that hard work and dedication and over-compensation are enough to excuse you for indulging in your humanity (aka, getting sick).
This tremendous 2-point drop in my GPA is, of course, going to fuck everything up. My cumulative GPA is going to drop 0.4 points. I’m going to get put on academic probation and will be walking on glass to keep my job and my only scholarship. I’m going to have to re-take the classes to get the grades replaced with a less-of-a-whore teacher, which won’t help my GPA or financial aid, but will at least remove the horrible D/C- grades that she’s hell-bent on burning into my transcript. And in the mean time, I have to continue to perform 100% above expectations just to pull those D/C- grades. I should not be doing 125% completion projects and only earning a fucking D. But that’s apparently how it’s going to go. Because life is terrible, life is a bitch, life is unfair, and nothing ever goes right.
Then, in case things weren’t bad enough, I get friends on my ass telling me I’m just not fucking trying hard enough. I guess I should have put that in quotes. “Friends”. I’ve suddenly been consumed by homework - never get to hang out - don’t go out any more - at school literally all day, every day - and I’m not trying hard enough? Excuse me. No.
Time to go crush my soul and see if Windows managed to save my work yesterday, or if it decided to get on the funny-boat with my “friends” and tell me to try harder, too.